UK Cunt Thread: bread and coffee wankers

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > UK Cunt Thread: bread and coffee wankers

«‹›4201 »

hyper from Pixie Sticks: Sep 28, 2004

Looke posted:

but spoons is good?

Not if you work there!

(source: me, 19 years ago)

# ? Aug 6, 2017 17:33

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 19, 2024 21:00

freelop: Apr 28, 2013; Where we're going, we won't need fries to see

DOWN JACKET FETISH posted:

i just made chocolate brownies, and a double IPA, at the same time

they both finish at nearly the same time too

You can brew beer in a day?

# ? Aug 6, 2017 17:37

Inexplicable Humblebrag: Sep 20, 2003

well no but the actual effort is in the boiling of the wort

i've done my bit, now it's time for the yeast to gently caress in it

# ? Aug 6, 2017 17:53

Furia: Jul 26, 2015; Grimey Drawer

But did you make IPA brownies?

# ? Aug 6, 2017 18:03

Whorelord: May 1, 2013; Jump into the well...

Looke posted:

but spoons is good?

# ? Aug 6, 2017 18:04

Inexplicable Humblebrag: Sep 20, 2003

Furia posted:

But did you make IPA brownies?

no. why would you think that? i didn't say that i did, and a moment's thought would indicate that it's not a concept that works

# ? Aug 6, 2017 18:05

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

How much do you drink djf to get through all this beer

# ? Aug 6, 2017 18:07

freelop: Apr 28, 2013; Where we're going, we won't need fries to see

DOWN JACKET FETISH posted:

well no but the actual effort is in the boiling of the wort

i've done my bit, now it's time for the yeast to gently caress in it

drat if it was possible to brew something within a day I'd be brewing every day

# ? Aug 6, 2017 18:09

oh no computer: May 27, 2003

You can brew everyday if you have enough containers/space for it. Each brew will take a couple of weeks though.

# ? Aug 6, 2017 18:27

Inexplicable Humblebrag: Sep 20, 2003

my beer tends to get consumed socially

i assume you're all mostly social drinkers? or is that an unwise assumption

# ? Aug 6, 2017 18:27

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

I've started roasting some sweet potatoes to mash them and just realised I don't have anything to mash them with

# ? Aug 6, 2017 18:39

Inexplicable Humblebrag: Sep 20, 2003

rolling pin? or just gently caress them up with a fork

# ? Aug 6, 2017 18:45

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

I'll use a fork and I've ordered a potato ricer

# ? Aug 6, 2017 18:53

Inexplicable Humblebrag: Sep 20, 2003

is that someone who puts big spoiler fins and massive exhaust pipes on your potatoes

# ? Aug 6, 2017 19:08

Furia: Jul 26, 2015; Grimey Drawer

DOWN JACKET FETISH posted:

my beer tends to get consumed socially

i assume you're all mostly social drinkers? or is that an unwise assumption

If by "social drinker" you mean "alone on a couch when no one else is around" then yes

edit: preferably to the point of tumbling and crashing into walls

# ? Aug 6, 2017 19:12

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

DOWN JACKET FETISH posted:

my beer tends to get consumed socially

i assume you're all mostly social drinkers? or is that an unwise assumption

Idk how long it lasts unless you're also bottling it

# ? Aug 6, 2017 19:16

fridge corn: Apr 2, 2003; NO MERCY, ONLY PAIN

DOWN JACKET FETISH posted:

is that someone who puts big spoiler fins and massive exhaust pipes on your potatoes

# ? Aug 6, 2017 19:21

Inexplicable Humblebrag: Sep 20, 2003

Jose posted:

Idk how long it lasts unless you're also bottling it

i am bottling it; in bottles it's usually good for six months apparently

i normally get about 60 bottles, ish, out of a 5 gallon batch, but the last one i hosed up by putting in loose dryhops so i had to leave about a gallon to prevent getting gunk in the bottles

# ? Aug 6, 2017 19:27

Bobby Deluxe: May 9, 2004

DOWN JACKET FETISH posted:

i assume you're all mostly social

i believe i have spotted the flaw in your reasoning

# ? Aug 6, 2017 19:30

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

DOWN JACKET FETISH posted:

i am bottling it; in bottles it's usually good for six months apparently

i normally get about 60 bottles, ish, out of a 5 gallon batch, but the last one i hosed up by putting in loose dryhops so i had to leave about a gallon to prevent getting gunk in the bottles

Post your setup I want to know how much space it takes

# ? Aug 6, 2017 19:33

Fingerless Gloves: May 21, 2011; ... aaand also go away and don't come back

Sunday spoons sesh is done

Corn why are you brewing ipas instead of stout, god's own drink?

# ? Aug 6, 2017 19:34

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

Stout is bad. Brew sour golden ales

# ? Aug 6, 2017 19:34

Fingerless Gloves: May 21, 2011; ... aaand also go away and don't come back

You're bad, oval office

# ? Aug 6, 2017 19:35

Bobby Deluxe: May 9, 2004

just fyi asking people to post brewing details in highly triggering to fluos gjost

# ? Aug 6, 2017 19:37

Inexplicable Humblebrag: Sep 20, 2003

not to mention fIuo

sour is easy, the ahrdest part is probably getting the drat sour yeast through the post without it dying. stout is hard, because it's generally high abv and you want your yeast to not die in its own boozeshit

my setup is one (1) of these and a big glass carboy, but if i had the choice i'd go with two of these and a bottling bucket instead as the carboy's just a bit of a pain to move and clean tbh. i also have a 15l pot in which to boil the wort, various tubes etc, none of which takes much space

in terms of space i have two drawers in a small chest of drawers full of (full) bottles + bits of equipment, and half a wardrobe full of an active fermenter and the pans, sieve, other bucket etc. i bought a bunch of poo poo i didn't need so if you want i can put together a list of absolutely everything you'd actually want and would end up using, if you didn't want to buy a brew kit. i would advise buying a brew kit though, see how you like it

# ? Aug 6, 2017 19:52

Gaz2k21: Sep 1, 2006; MEGALA---WHO??!!??

Just burnt my tongue on a loving pizza! This Sunday is poo poo

# ? Aug 6, 2017 19:52

fridge corn: Apr 2, 2003; NO MERCY, ONLY PAIN

Fingerless Gloves posted:

Sunday spoons sesh is done

Corn why are you brewing ipas instead of stout, god's own drink?

???

# ? Aug 6, 2017 19:53

Inexplicable Humblebrag: Sep 20, 2003

he means my nickname, CORN JACKET FETISH

# ? Aug 6, 2017 19:54

learnincurve: May 15, 2014; Smoosh

Bobby Deluxe posted:

just fyi asking people to post brewing details in highly triggering to fluos gjost

Poor fluo, getting everyone in this thread into home brew was all he ever wanted and he didn't live to see this day

# ? Aug 6, 2017 20:08

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

DOWN JACKET FETISH posted:

not to mention fIuo

sour is easy, the ahrdest part is probably getting the drat sour yeast through the post without it dying. stout is hard, because it's generally high abv and you want your yeast to not die in its own boozeshit

my setup is one (1) of these and a big glass carboy, but if i had the choice i'd go with two of these and a bottling bucket instead as the carboy's just a bit of a pain to move and clean tbh. i also have a 15l pot in which to boil the wort, various tubes etc, none of which takes much space

in terms of space i have two drawers in a small chest of drawers full of (full) bottles + bits of equipment, and half a wardrobe full of an active fermenter and the pans, sieve, other bucket etc. i bought a bunch of poo poo i didn't need so if you want i can put together a list of absolutely everything you'd actually want and would end up using, if you didn't want to buy a brew kit. i would advise buying a brew kit though, see how you like it

i would and i might do that. i've also been advised in another thread to just get a still and make my own alcohol if i want to make it as calorie free as possible lol

i have finished mashing my sweet potato and roasted garlic and now its back in the oven until my brisket has finished braising

# ? Aug 6, 2017 20:11

Furia: Jul 26, 2015; Grimey Drawer

So if I want in on this brewing racket how do I get in on it? At some point somebody posted like a starter brewing kit for ale but I am interested in IPAs and stuff so I am not sure buying a kit would be a good start

Also can I brew stuff based on milkjugs Y/N

# ? Aug 6, 2017 20:23

feedmegin: Jul 30, 2008

If you want easy mode make cider. Take apple juice, add yeast, no boiling and poo poo or hops needed, yeast technically optional.

Edit: yeah I wouldn't recommend baking yeast either unless v v poor, I usually use champagne.

feedmegin fucked around with this message at 16:37 on Aug 7, 2017

# ? Aug 6, 2017 20:32

oh no computer: May 27, 2003

i have made cider before by putting bread yeast in a 2L bottle of apple juice. i wouldnt recommend it.

if you want to get into it i wouldn't recommend doing all grain (at least not straight away), cos its an unnecessary headache and you need to buy way more equipment than you do for a normal extract+speciality grain brew.

i got into it by buying a beginner's kit but obviously if you're not satisfied with the results of the kit you can reuse the equipment to make fancier ales etc. fwiw my setup is a 10L stockpot (new purchase, used to use 2x 5L stock pots and split everything in half), 30L fermentation bucket, hydrometer, sanitiser, bottle wand and 30x 750ml plastic bottles.

from there just look at extract recipes like this one: https://www.homebrewersassociation.org/homebrew-recipe/victory-and-chaos-ipa/

# ? Aug 6, 2017 20:46

Furia: Jul 26, 2015; Grimey Drawer

Yeah it's not so much easy mode as much as it is cheap mode so I'll just put it on hold for now I guess

Deffo bookmarking post until then

# ? Aug 6, 2017 20:59

Inexplicable Humblebrag: Sep 20, 2003

i'm basically gonna shill brewuk.co.uk because i've used them and they're good, and cheaper than amazon

ipa kits exist but the one i'm seeing seems to literally be "add boiling water to hopped syrup, top up with cold water" - like i don't see that failing but it's not really brewing, it's steeping a teabag. the good thing about this kit is that you get the beer ingredients, a storage barrel, a big fuckoff fermenting bin + airlock (possibly too big?), some steriliser, a hydrometer + thermometer, and some misc handy bits of plastic. it would be a decent start to see if you get workable booze out of it, and if you want to progress then, as per YTC's post above, you can use it as a basis for upgrading your kit

assuming you want to be a retard like me and buy all the kit all at once, you want:

two of these buckets with lids and airlocks; one to ferment in, and one to move your beer into for bottling once fermentation is over
a rubber hose for getting beer out of your bucket and for beating the poo poo out of dogs
a big pot; larger the better, really, but 15l is very workable.
big spoon, for stirring pot
starsan; this poo poo is magic. 5ml goes in 5 litres of water and will sterilise whatever it touches; the diluted form is good for ages, and is also food-safe and tasteless. if used correctly it will last for ages; i, being a retard, get through this like water.
a big sieve
a floaty thermometer
two slap-on therms for your fermenters
two hydrometers; one as a spare. this is essential, as you measure fermentation progress by taking samples and checking density. if you bottle stuff that's still fermenting you have possibly created bombs
turkey baster for taking samples to put the hydrometer in
bottles and caps; buy caps, re-use bottles
a bottle filling stick; this attaches to the other end of your hose
bottle capper
muslin bags for holding grains for steeping

imo, dedicated cleaner is not needed; just use soap and water and rinse.

start with extract brews, get the plan down; you need hops, malt extract, grains for steeping, and yeast. i have not had any issues buying live yeast but it's very possible that you might; maybe stick to dry yeast to start. you will need normal table sugar for carbing the beer when you bottle.

i would advise starting with a simple pale ale that's about 5%, as per the above post. they're hoppy, meaning they're a bit more forgiving of any accidental bacterial contamination, and they use non-insane amounts of pale malt, which means the yeast won't choke and die and fail to ferment everything. yeast doesn't really like complex sugars and you get more of those in dark malts

i will not do a full recipe but the broad strokes are:

start heating ~5l water in pan. boil kettle
sterilise your fermenting bucket and work surfaces while you wait.
once you have 2/3rds of a pan at 75C, add your steeping grains. steep for half an hour; your water is now wort
remove grains. heat to 100C either by adding boiling water or by waiting
add malt extract. add your 60mins hops; start timing
add extra hops when you're meant to
turn off the heat after 1hr. everything that touches the beer after this point must be sterile. everything.
you are supposed to cool your wort by running a wort chiller through it. i simply seal everything up and leave it overnight
once beer is at right temperature, take initial hydrometer sample and record the density. put yeast in it, attach airlock
wait 8hrs; realise yeast is going mental.
wait 3 days for bubbling to die down; take hydrometer sample
take hydrometer samples every couple days until the density levels off, probably at about 1.013 for the above recipe but if it's not that level who cares
when beer has stopped fermenting, prepare to rack it off the yeast into another bucket. work out how much sugar you need to carb it, boil up that much sugar, add to the bucket you're racking into, then put the beer on top of the sugar solution
place in bottles

after your first try you'll realise what else you need to make life easier for yourself. then do brew-in-a-bag all-grain recipes once you've got the hang of things

Inexplicable Humblebrag fucked around with this message at 21:20 on Aug 6, 2017

# ? Aug 6, 2017 21:16

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

i'm going to quote that on the first page so i can come back to it easily

# ? Aug 6, 2017 21:21

oh no computer: May 27, 2003

DOWN JACKET FETISH posted:

after your first try you'll realise what else you need to make life easier for yourself.

yeah definitely this. get an easy brew under your belt to get a feel of what needs to be done and start honing your craft from there.

edit: by "honing" I mean "sperging"

# ? Aug 6, 2017 21:25

Inexplicable Humblebrag: Sep 20, 2003

right above a fluopost...

# ? Aug 6, 2017 21:26

Furia: Jul 26, 2015; Grimey Drawer

That post was the good poo poo right there

# ? Aug 6, 2017 22:00

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 19, 2024 21:00

Furia: Jul 26, 2015; Grimey Drawer

I do find it funny that the company is brewUK and has a .uk adress

# ? Aug 6, 2017 22:01

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > UK Cunt Thread: bread and coffee wankers

«‹›4201 »