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crispix
Mar 28, 2015

Oh globbits


also of note today: when i went to the shops a lady with big hair and wearing several dresses asked me for a pound coin, and when i said i didn't have one she told me, very sternly, that she was an anglo-saxon :catdrugs:

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Ratjaculation
Aug 3, 2007

:parrot::parrot::parrot:

I AM A FREE
I AM NOT MAN
A NUMBER





best man speech guidance pls

Ratjaculation fucked around with this message at 17:57 on Aug 21, 2015

Olympic Mathlete
Feb 25, 2011

:h:



Fraction posted:

official countdown of worst places to live in UK. how the gently caress did Burnley not make the list?

...Burnley didn't make the list because London it seems, outside of Luton, truly is a loving awful place to live. 9/10 is a pretty solid score.

DrWrestling69
Feb 3, 2008

Tracyanne...


Ratjaculation posted:

best man speech guidance pls

Get your cock out.

RedLobster
Nov 19, 2010

Original Character
!DO NOT STEAL!


Get agressivly more nasty and personal with your jokes as the speech goes on, ending it with the revelation that his fiancee is actually pregnant with your child.

DrWrestling69
Feb 3, 2008

Tracyanne...


poo poo in a pint glass and throw it at the brides gran.

JFairfax
Oct 23, 2008

by FactsAreUseless


Ratjaculation posted:

best man speech guidance pls

Email some of the groom's close friends and collect some stories.

Mention how beautiful his bride to be is, throwaway comment early on. Do not dwell. Alternatively do dwell and tell her that she has made a big mistake and should be with you.

Talk about shock at him finding a wife because of ineptness on a date, but not about proper exes.

Be funny.

Get drunk

Fraction
Mar 27, 2010

CATS RULE DOGS DROOL

FERRETS ARE ALSO PRETTY MEH, HONESTLY





Taff you are definitely not as aware of people's facial expressions and thoughts as you claimed to be then :(

Vitamins posted:

poison the dog to save its suffering

Poisoned or repeatedly wanked off, hmm...

Vitamins
May 1, 2012



poisoned or having the UK's morally inpet touching your dilz!

RedLobster
Nov 19, 2010

Original Character
!DO NOT STEAL!


Just to be clear this is taffs wedding right?

gnarlyhotep
Sep 30, 2008

by Lowtax


Oven Wrangler

what?

The Big Taff Man
Nov 22, 2005


Official Manchester United Posting Partner 2015/16


Fan of Britches

Pedricko posted:

What about me


You didnt offer me free sausages



Ratjaculation posted:

best man speech guidance pls

Start the speech asking the bride to put her hand on the table, and the groom to put his hand on top of hers, and to keep it there till the end of the speech. Then at the end say that your final gift to the groom was for him to get the upper hand for the last time ever in their relationship, and point to camera

how are you today

Party Boat
Oct 31, 2007

where did that other dog come from

who is he



The Big Taff Man posted:

Start the speech asking the bride to put her hand on the table, and the groom to put his hand on top of hers, and to keep it there till the end of the speech. Then at the end say that your final gift to the groom was for him to get the upper hand for the last time ever in their relationship, and point to camera

using this

the groom for me is a big wrestling fan so I am debating the use of folding chairs / Undertaker's theme in the speech

The Big Taff Man
Nov 22, 2005


Official Manchester United Posting Partner 2015/16


Fan of Britches

Party Boat posted:

using this

the groom for me is a big wrestling fan so I am debating the use of folding chairs / Undertaker's theme in the speech

Theres only one way to use wrestling in a wedding

Can you get your hands on a snake

Bobby Deluxe
May 9, 2004

this changes nothing, i am still dead inside

just stand up and do a karate montage to 'youre the best' by joe esposito

gnarlyhotep
Sep 30, 2008

by Lowtax


Oven Wrangler

Bobby Deluxe posted:

:britain:the players::britain:

pedricko: sells saussies at markets across europe and is the current thread mvp (has never been stairsed in public)

the big taff man: rugby footie guy, he keeps a notebook on all posters (getting married soon despite being a ginger)

fluo: brews beers which he cums in (major face / heel heat with taff currently)

bozza: trains (like thomas not like arnie), in a good marching band

party boat: northern, mysterious

jose: northern, less mysterious, loves meat

fraction: kills dogs and dates older women, just got a new job so yay

down jacket fetish: classic bants, loves a cheeky nandos

phoon: old man

gnarlyhotep: kills thread every few hundred pages but is a decent fellow otherwise

mfcrocker: kills goons and buries them under a patio

ratjaculation: imagines how good people are at smash bros

vitamins: same av as me so problematic

uncleblazer: has seen taff on the toilet

feedmegin: no av, does not post enough

pistol_pete: previous op he took us places we never thought we would go

drwrestling: i cant remember, occasional poster (will update as knowledge is gleaned)

bobby deluxes fat mam: i am not happy about this trope but what the hey, taff is payin the bills

me: weather wizard but a lot of my sacrifices have failed recently so dont blame me

if i left anyone out please tell me so i may update my records



pro thread notes:

previous thread for reference

:siren: do not give out personal details :siren: someone is killing goons and burying them under his/her patio!!!

our current leader is david cameron who is a human shaped robot incapable of love

we as a nation currently hate immigrants, the unemployed and disableds, but we are strangely ok with the gays right now

a bap and a bun and a cob are mostly the same thing but a stottie is not (its much bigger)

best monster munch = pickled onion (flaming hot in close second, roast beef no)

thread game: rocket league on ps4

lots of us grease up our nipples and run around the park and are happy to answer questions about it!

americans are welcome to post about the uk but just remember you did not win the war for us christopher lee did


here is the uk:



fyi none of this makes any sense

am I supposed to vote for hairy potter now or what

britishbornandbread
Jul 8, 2000

You'll stumble in my footsteps


Do a racism in your speech. Stare into eyes of mother of bride for entire duration.

The Big Taff Man
Nov 22, 2005


Official Manchester United Posting Partner 2015/16


Fan of Britches

gnarlyhotep posted:

fyi none of this makes any sense

am I supposed to vote for hairy potter now or what

Its a bobby P post what did you expect

corn in the fridge
Jan 15, 2012

by Shine


The Big Taff Man posted:

Start the speech asking the bride to put her hand on the table, and the groom to put his hand on top of hers, and to keep it there till the end of the speech. Then at the end say that your final gift to the groom was for him to get the upper hand for the last time ever in their relationship, and point to camera

lol i used this when you suggested it for my best man speech and it was ace

Bobby Deluxe
May 9, 2004

this changes nothing, i am still dead inside

gnarlyhotep posted:

fyi none of this makes any sense

am I supposed to vote for hairy potter now or what
it doesnt really make sense to us and we live here, so vote whichever way your heart leads you

hyper from Pixie Sticks
Sep 28, 2004



Ratjaculation posted:

best man speech guidance pls

Look up best man speeches on youtube, steal the jokes you think will work.
Remember that everyone present wants you to succeed, try not to piss this goodwill away.
Most brides will straight-up murder you if you ruin their wedding day, possibly tell her in advance what you're planning on saying so she can veto any bits involving her that her family shouldn't hear. The groom gets no such veto powers.
Mock the groom, but remember this isn't a night in the pub. Frankie Boyle is very good at his act. You are not. Do not copy him.
Keep it short. This allows you to make a 'speech as long as the groom lasts in bed' joke, which usually goes down well ("Like the bride!!!!1111eleventy")

gnarlyhotep
Sep 30, 2008

by Lowtax


Oven Wrangler

Bobby Deluxe posted:

it doesnt really make sense to us and we live here, so vote whichever way your heart leads you

ah, well I know voting is a joke so I'll treat this thread as such

Phoon
Apr 23, 2010



make suggestive jokes about brides mother then keep making them for way too long and then start openly hitting on her and then have sex with her later

gnarlyhotep
Sep 30, 2008

by Lowtax


Oven Wrangler

Ok I have the answer:

Everybody go BOOP BOOP
Everybody go BEEP BEEP

Everybody say HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

Then go to sleep

sout
Apr 24, 2014



gnarlyhotep posted:

Ok I have the answer:

Everybody go BOOP BOOP
Everybody go BEEP BEEP

Everybody say HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

Then go to sleep

Silly gnarly, it's the morning here in The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

gnarlyhotep
Sep 30, 2008

by Lowtax


Oven Wrangler

sout posted:

Silly gnarly, it's the morning here in The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

Like I give a rat's rear end

The Saurus
Dec 3, 2006

by Smythe


over the black country the map should just say COB

speaking of which those dead cheap lunch places where you get a massive sandwich, with all the fillings in big ice cream tubs, with a salad bar for a few quid are amazing. i miss them

Party Boat
Oct 31, 2007

where did that other dog come from

who is he



The Big Taff Man posted:

Theres only one way to use wrestling in a wedding

Can you get your hands on a snake

The groom was greatly moved by Jake Roberts' struggle with drug addiction following his wrestling career, I am sure he would be honoured if I DDTd him on his big day

Ratjaculation
Aug 3, 2007

:parrot::parrot::parrot:

I AM A FREE
I AM NOT MAN
A NUMBER





JFairfax posted:

Email some of the groom's close friends and collect some stories.

Mention how beautiful his bride to be is, throwaway comment early on. Do not dwell. Alternatively do dwell and tell her that she has made a big mistake and should be with you.

Talk about shock at him finding a wife because of ineptness on a date, but not about proper exes.

Be funny.

Get drunk


The Big Taff Man posted:

Start the speech asking the bride to put her hand on the table, and the groom to put his hand on top of hers, and to keep it there till the end of the speech. Then at the end say that your final gift to the groom was for him to get the upper hand for the last time ever in their relationship, and point to camera



Semprini posted:

Look up best man speeches on youtube, steal the jokes you think will work.
Remember that everyone present wants you to succeed, try not to piss this goodwill away.
Most brides will straight-up murder you if you ruin their wedding day, possibly tell her in advance what you're planning on saying so she can veto any bits involving her that her family shouldn't hear. The groom gets no such veto powers.
Mock the groom, but remember this isn't a night in the pub. Frankie Boyle is very good at his act. You are not. Do not copy him.
Keep it short. This allows you to make a 'speech as long as the groom lasts in bed' joke, which usually goes down well ("Like the bride!!!!1111eleventy")

Thanks for these guys. Cracking on with it today

Bobby Deluxe
May 9, 2004

this changes nothing, i am still dead inside

gnarlyhotep posted:

ah, well I know voting is a joke so I'll treat this thread as such
but i put so much effort into the op

its my lifes work

what will i do now

where will i go

(to the chippy most likely)

gnarlyhotep
Sep 30, 2008

by Lowtax


Oven Wrangler

Bobby Deluxe posted:

but i put so much effort into the op

its my lifes work

what will i do now

where will i go

(to the chippy most likely)

If you never ever use words like "chippy" I will respect you

sout
Apr 24, 2014



frenchfry-y

Ratjaculation
Aug 3, 2007

:parrot::parrot::parrot:

I AM A FREE
I AM NOT MAN
A NUMBER





gnarlyhotep posted:

If you never ever use words like "chippy" I will respect you

where you live g-tep?

tentish klown
Apr 3, 2011


gnarlyhotep posted:

If you never ever use words like "chippy" I will respect you

What is going on here? Why can't we do britishisms in our british thread?

gnarlyhotep
Sep 30, 2008

by Lowtax


Oven Wrangler

tentish klown posted:

What is going on here? Why can't we do britishisms in our british thread?

Hey it's not my fault if your thread sucks real bad.

The Big Taff Man
Nov 22, 2005


Official Manchester United Posting Partner 2015/16


Fan of Britches

corn in the fridge posted:

lol i used this when you suggested it for my best man speech and it was ace

Did you really, its my most hated best man speech thing

Heres some more Top Speech Tips from Taff.

- Make a joke about looking up tips on the internet, but getting side tracked by some other websites, and then say youve listed them on a piece of paper for the groom so he can check them out now hes married (when I gave my mam away at her wedding I said that I'd looked up my role and saw it was called "Brides Escort" so had looked up advice on becoming an escort, everyone loved it)

- For those of you who dont know me, my name is Taff. For those of you who do, I apologise. Not a lot of people know my full name is actually Taff Would-You-Like-A-Drink, and if you do meet me at the bar later I'd prefer you use my full name

- I have never been a best man before, and I am not renowned for public speaking. But I'm doing the best I can today because the grrom said if I do a good job today, I can be Best Man at his next wedding, too

- My advice to the groom is to always remember to tell your wife those three important little words (pause for what seems like an eternity) ‘You’re right dear’.

- Now they are married it's time for us all to see that the groom is really the one that wears the trousers. And luckily for him the bride will always be there to tell him which trousers he has to wear.

- Groom, it's important that you make sure the bride knows who is the boss. The best way to do this is to walk up to her, look her in the eyes and say confidently "you're the boss".

DrWrestling69
Feb 3, 2008

Tracyanne...


Phoon posted:

make suggestive jokes about brides mother then keep making them for way too long and then start openly hitting on her and then have sex with her later

Bantz

corn in the fridge
Jan 15, 2012

by Shine


The Big Taff Man posted:

Did you really, its my most hated best man speech thing

it went over really well though i completely forgot about it by the end of my speech and the groom had to prompt me oops

Bobby Deluxe
May 9, 2004

this changes nothing, i am still dead inside

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Bozza
Mar 5, 2004

"I'm a really useful engine!"


My mate is an estate agent and did his best man's speech entirely in the style of housing sales patter and it was great.

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