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Weener Beater
May 4, 2010


Germstore posted:

Sorry to break it to you but that cow's been talkin' poo poo about your dick ever since.

Not cool. I thought we would never speak of that moment again

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symbolic
Nov 2, 2014

Will you follow me to oblivion to dance among the stars?


Yams Fan

ANIME IS BLOOD posted:

wampa stompa wins the thread on page 1 with a brutal own on cyclists
but...but my childhood dual masturbation story...

LadyAmbien
Oct 22, 2015


symbolic posted:

but...but my childhood dual masturbation story...

It's a beautiful story. You did great.

Nooner
Mar 26, 2007

I am Nooner


what man there is some f*cked up stuff going on in this thread!!!

Big Bowie Bonanza
Dec 29, 2007

please tell me where i can date this cute boy


when i was 19 i got super drunk at someone's apartment and threw up

some dude's wife came into the bathroom and cleaned me up and then for some reason gave me a handjob and then i passed out on a fold out bed in the middle of the party

LOVE LOVE SKELETON
Nov 11, 2007




Lipstick Apathy

one time there was a big rain storm that knocked out power (and thus credit card machines). so i, the man with $40 in cash, was king. i bought two big bottles of flavored vodka to share with my then girlfriend, but i ended up drinking most of it and eventually threw one of the empty glass bottles into the street from the roof. i explained to her upset roommates that i was owed at least one irresponsible bottle toss, but i still feel like it was a real awful thing to do.

the next morning i puked more than i ever had and couldn't sleep because i was having visions of loud things happening that woke me up.

Puppy Galaxy
Aug 1, 2004



Lipstick Apathy

bunch of my friends came over when my parents were gone (this was in high school). like 6 or 7 dudes. at some point everyone decides to sit around naked with the lights off. i don't know who suggested it and i don't know why we all did it. it was hosed up.

Puppy Galaxy fucked around with this message at 23:10 on Nov 2, 2015

old beast lunatic
Nov 2, 2004



Wampa Stompa posted:

Threw an unlocked Citibike off a bridge before realizing that it was probably linked to some poor motherfucker's credit card who didn't put it back in its dock the right way. We felt sort of bad after that, but then again, if you're stupid enough to pay their usurious rates you're either a yuppie or a tourist, so I'm not exactly tearing up over here.


Jim Barris posted:

Once I was drinking heavily alone feeling sorry for myself when some friends showed up unannounced and I was rather teed off about it cause I wanted to be alone with my liquor and misery. So one of them she jokingly says something like 'ha ha wouldn't it be crazy if we all had sex?' and well I said something like "oh yea? well guess what its loving happening". So i start taking off my clothes and I look up and they're both just standing there confused so I bark at them to start stripping cause this is happening. So to make a long story short we had a threesome that nobody really wanted to happen but I made it happen to punish them for interrupting my self-pity party.

I love you both.

Burt Sexual
Jan 26, 2006

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS


Switchblade Switcharoo

Puppy Galaxy posted:

bunch of my friends came over when my parents were gone (this was in high school). like 6 or 7 dudes. at some point everyone decides to sit around naked with the lights off. i don't know who and i don't know why. it was hosed up.

You didn't know ur friends? Confused here . We'll leave the why alone for now.

Aesop Poprock
Oct 21, 2008


Grimey Drawer

FordPRefectLL posted:

when i was 19 i got super drunk at someone's apartment and threw up

some dude's wife came into the bathroom and cleaned me up and then for some reason gave me a handjob and then i passed out on a fold out bed in the middle of the party

women are hosed up

Masturbasturd
Sep 1, 2014




If you get blackout hosed up then there's nothing to speak of in the first place.

Masturbasturd fucked around with this message at 15:25 on Jan 13, 2016

Nooner
Mar 26, 2007

I am Nooner


Champenema posted:



If you get blackout hosed up then there's nothing to speak of in the first place.

yeah id be pretty embarassed too if I was a steelers fan

Vaginal Vagrant
Jan 12, 2007

by R. Guyovich


Zzulu posted:

I've killed fourty finnish men

You must be a Finnish national hero.

Big Bowie Bonanza
Dec 29, 2007

please tell me where i can date this cute boy


Aesop Poprock posted:

women are hosed up

someone told me i got raped but tbh even drunk 19 year old me understood the implications of someone touching his dick

Aesop Poprock
Oct 21, 2008


Grimey Drawer

FordPRefectLL posted:

someone told me i got raped but tbh even drunk 19 year old me understood the implications of someone touching his dick

how old and fat was the wife is the important question

Big Bowie Bonanza
Dec 29, 2007

please tell me where i can date this cute boy


she was like 30 and had 2 kids but wasn't fat or anything just never wore makeup

Big Bowie Bonanza
Dec 29, 2007

please tell me where i can date this cute boy


now that i'm approaching 30 though i probably wouldnt fingerbang a drunk teenager in a bathroom after she just threw up so it was pretty weird

Ride The Gravitron
May 2, 2008

by FactsAreUseless


One time my friend told me that his brother, who I saw on the reg, had molested one of their nephews and give to jail and there was a huge falling out. And we never talked about it again

Jukeboxblues
Jul 29, 2015




Grimey Drawer

This one time I had to kiss this dudes sick mole rat thing. It was pretty hosed up but apparently I was the only one who could fix it? lol he probably couldn't be bothered calling a vet or something so I was happy to help out in the end but 9yo me actually thought I was the only one who could save it. It threw up everywhere when I was done kissing it but he said that means I cured it. Poor little thing didn't even want to come out of the hat!

E: He told me not to tell anyone as he might get in trouble because he didn't take it to the vet but he was a nice dude. He used to watch over me as I played all the time.

Gobblecoque
Sep 6, 2011


Jim Barris posted:

Once I was drinking heavily alone feeling sorry for myself when some friends showed up unannounced and I was rather teed off about it cause I wanted to be alone with my liquor and misery. So one of them she jokingly says something like 'ha ha wouldn't it be crazy if we all had sex?' and well I said something like "oh yea? well guess what its loving happening". So i start taking off my clothes and I look up and they're both just standing there confused so I bark at them to start stripping cause this is happening. So to make a long story short we had a threesome that nobody really wanted to happen but I made it happen to punish them for interrupting my self-pity party.

haha yeah man whenever nerds interrupt my drinking i surprise sex the poo poo outta them

johnny sack
Jan 30, 2004

One day, this team will play to their expectations...

Just not this year..



We had this dog when I was a kid. The dog was mostly an outdoor dog and spent it's days in the (outdoor) kennel when everyone was at work or school. The kennel was something like 10 feet by 8 feet. The bottom of the kennel had brick pavers covering the ground. They weren't mortared together or anything, just arranged neatly to cover the ground. Spending most of its time in that kennel, the dog probably poo poo more in that kennel than anywhere else.

Whenever the dog would poo poo, rather than go into the lovely old kennel and scoop the poo poo into the garbage like normal people, we would take the garden hose and spray the poo poo until it disintegrated. Of course we fed the dog lovely kibble, the kind that makes them take these massive, disgusting shits. So we would spray it, splattering it all over the place. The little poo poo pieces would fall into the cracks of the bricks, forever stinking.

When my buddy and I were about 13 years old, my dad convinced us to move the dog's outdoor kennel from one location to another. We knew about the dog poo poo that forever lurked between the cracks of the bricks. So we moved the kennel and got a bunch of bleach. We dumped it all over the bricks, hosed it off, and did it a second time for good measure. After a while, we put on some gloves and our shittiest shoes and started moving the bricks.

It didn't matter how much bleach we had used. There was so much dog poo poo that had leaked between the bricks over the years. The entire thing became a disgusting, lovely mess.

We moved that loving kennel, cleansed ourselves as best we could, and vowed never to speak of it again.

karma_coma
Apr 18, 2003

budlitemolaram



Clapping Larry

One time I was having sex w/ my gf and my dog got on the bed and licked me in the ahole.

JiveHonky
May 12, 2001

by zen death robot


Grimey Drawer

im a 300lb virgin. let us not speak of it again pls.

A CRAB IRL
May 6, 2009

The Deadliest Crotch



Grimey Drawer

I was on a snowboarding holiday with my friends and took a massive slam off a mogul (mowgul? mohgul?) right onto my tailbone. So hard, in fact, that I poo poo myself. I waddled down to the nearest bar and cleaned myself up and went home to the hotel. I think one of my friends guessed what happened when they saw my loving underarmour hanging out to dry hours later

Hell Yeah
Dec 25, 2012



me and an ex-girlfriend of mine had a three way with a woman we knew and she made these ridiculous animal noises while i banged her. we were both looking at each other almost laughing until i lost my boner.

imandyyo
Mar 19, 2012


Hell Yeah posted:

me and an ex-girlfriend of mine had a three way with a woman we knew and she made these ridiculous animal noises while i banged her. we were both looking at each other almost laughing until i lost my boner.

What kind of animal are talking here? Dolphin, donkey?

Hell Yeah
Dec 25, 2012



weird deep guttural sounds. like the grunting of a lion or bear during sex.

Business Gorillas
Mar 11, 2009






symbolic posted:

oh boy

when i was 8, my friend came over to my house. we'll call him david. david and i decide to play truth or dare because why the hell not. eventually david dares me to run around my room naked. i tell him i will only if he does as well. so we're running around my room naked when he grabs my "weewee" and strokes it, telling me he's powering me up or some poo poo. i do the same, so essentially it was two 8 year olds jerking each other for a few seconds because we didn't know any better. i don't think we ever brought it up again. hell, i haven't seen him since 2009 when he beat the poo poo out of a kid with a skateboard and moved to north carolina.

but yeah, that's the ultimate moment i can think of.

i had something kind of like this happen w/o the jerking off part and the dude later turned out to be gay. i always wonder if i'm the one that made him realize he was a gayboy

Business Gorillas
Mar 11, 2009






i was also doing some sex with a girl i was seeing and there was a headboard with a fan on it. the fan obviously inched its way off the headboard and smacked her right on the forehead and i bust out laughing

the secret is that i saw this slowly happening and i didn't care enough to stop it

Dave_Indeed
Feb 22, 2004

by FactsAreUseless


Jim Barris posted:

Once I was drinking heavily alone feeling sorry for myself when some friends showed up unannounced and I was rather teed off about it cause I wanted to be alone with my liquor and misery. So one of them she jokingly says something like 'ha ha wouldn't it be crazy if we all had sex?' and well I said something like "oh yea? well guess what its loving happening". So i start taking off my clothes and I look up and they're both just standing there confused so I bark at them to start stripping cause this is happening. So to make a long story short we had a threesome that nobody really wanted to happen but I made it happen to punish them for interrupting my self-pity party.

lol you traumatized some folks.

Aesop Poprock
Oct 21, 2008


Grimey Drawer

Business Gorillas posted:

i had something kind of like this happen w/o the jerking off part and the dude later turned out to be gay. i always wonder if i'm the one that made him realize he was a gayboy

my friend rubbed his boner on me in 5th grade when he was staying over for basketball camp and i turned out to be the gay one

Whirlwind Jones
Apr 13, 2013

by Lowtax


I used to suck my cousin's dick on the regular,.

Burt Sexual
Jan 26, 2006

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS


Switchblade Switcharoo

LTs wife makes funnier threads than him. Let's not talk about that again.

Drunk Nerds
Jan 25, 2011

Just close your eyes

Fun Shoe

Jim Barris posted:

Once I was drinking heavily alone feeling sorry for myself when some friends showed up unannounced and I was rather teed off about it cause I wanted to be alone with my liquor and misery. So one of them she jokingly says something like 'ha ha wouldn't it be crazy if we all had sex?' and well I said something like "oh yea? well guess what its loving happening". So i start taking off my clothes and I look up and they're both just standing there confused so I bark at them to start stripping cause this is happening. So to make a long story short we had a threesome that nobody really wanted to happen but I made it happen to punish them for interrupting my self-pity party.

I, for one, would really like to know the genders/weights of all involved parties.

Science Rocket
Sep 4, 2006

Putting the Flash in Flash Man


Me and a few guys beat Kim Jong Il with shovels untill he couldn't move

LadyAmbien
Oct 22, 2015


Hell Yeah posted:

me and an ex-girlfriend of mine had a three way with a woman we knew and she made these ridiculous animal noises while i banged her. we were both looking at each other almost laughing until i lost my boner.

I am betting the woman was my old tenant. That woman sounded like a straight up donkey getting hosed. Also, on our recent trip to Vegas the woman next door to us sounded like a ghost having loud, fast sex against the wall.

symbolic
Nov 2, 2014

Will you follow me to oblivion to dance among the stars?


Yams Fan

Business Gorillas posted:

i had something kind of like this happen w/o the jerking off part and the dude later turned out to be gay. i always wonder if i'm the one that made him realize he was a gayboy
same but i turned out to be bisexual, so who knew?

i tried to find david on facebook but he apparently disappeared off the face of the earth. maybe he's a gay porn star now.

1redflag
Feb 15, 2012

I'm accidentally a suicide bomber!


FordPRefectLL posted:

when i was 19 i got super drunk at someone's apartment and threw up

some dude's wife came into the bathroom and cleaned me up and then for some reason gave me a handjob and then i passed out on a fold out bed in the middle of the party

Think about how much of an rear end in a top hat that woman's husband must be that she felt the urge to give you a handjob. Like, what benefit could she possibly get out of it, other than hate-wanking your dick as some sort of act of defiance against her husband. I just imagine her muttering to herself while jacking it, complaining about how its not her turn to take the trash out, she did it last time!

Deki
May 12, 2008








I'd tell you but I promised to never speak about it again.

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symbolic
Nov 2, 2014

Will you follow me to oblivion to dance among the stars?


Yams Fan

Deki posted:

I'd tell you but I promised to never speak about it again.
your avatar says enough already

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