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  • Locked thread
s7indicate3
Aug 22, 2012

THUNDERDOME LOSER

Chili posted:

I do, and I hope to see you toxx and jump into the fight you've started.

:toxx:

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SkaAndScreenplays
Dec 11, 2013

by Pragmatica


Chili posted:

I gotcha guys. You've got one week to write a story using no more than 1500 words.

Your prompt?

Write a story about con artists. They don't necessarily need to be pulling off a grift in the story, but that's who at least two of your characters are.

Due by noon est, 9/26.

Toxx it up and fight dirty.

I was honestly just about to give this same prompt.

Barnaby Profane
Feb 23, 2012

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2021


in

Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

I'm bokeh, you're bokeh


Next THUNDERTOME book, to fit the season:



Friday, October 15th @ 8PM EST. join us in #thundertome on IRC

Ironic Twist fucked around with this message at 03:55 on Sep 21, 2016

SkaAndScreenplays
Dec 11, 2013

by Pragmatica


[b][I'm Still Working On Crits For This Week/b]
Here's the first batch. Apologies if these are a bit enigmatic. Also if you don't like my crit style brawl me. IDK If I go a little too over the top in what struck a chord or didn't land

OVERALL - I LIKED THIS WEEK.
There wasn't a whole lot I found to be inherently bad. Quite a few missed opportunities but nothing that didn't at least show potential. Here's what I thought posted in the order of read.

DAERES - Tooth Fairy:
This would have nailed the "unsettling" aspect of the prompt if it weren't for some flat exposition. I also kind of felt the whole "First Assignment" scene before heading to the gallows was detrimental to the creep factor. Ambiguity has some serious psychological power when used right. "This is just a job to her" steals the drama and the apprehension. Just a little bit more detail and a little bit more emotion could have pushed this closer to the top. First in a long line of great ideas that were underwhelmingly executed.
I really liked that you were aiming for giving some context to the Capricho as opposed to just drawing inspiration from it.
*****No Promise About It Being Done This Week: But I'm going to try and bang out a line crit on this one*****

MY CAT IS NORRIS - Claudia and the Black Wood:
This suffers from some issues with voice. All in all too much there was just too much telling and not enough showing to really stand out. Until the very end things are just "happening" to Claudia without much in the way of her reactions to it. I didn't get the impression that she ever cared about the opinions of anyone in town. She doesn't really react to her changing environment.
SIDE NOTE: You used a lot of similes. Metaphors and analogies exist too. I think remember hearing/reading somewhere that metaphors and analogies have more narrative value than a simile - not that you should never use them, shaking things up keeps things from getting redundant. As a reader I find that a metaphor paints a picture whereas a simile merely draws a comparison, and the latter can take my head out of a story. That's purely opinion on my part, but if anyone can source the Metaphor (usually) > Simile statement to a legitimate authority on the issue I wouldn't mind the
ALSO I REALLY WANTED TO HEAR THE VOICES, or at the very least FEEL them.

SQUIDTENTACLE - Theophagy
The fairytale/folklore direction you went with was a risk worth taking. Not worrying about pressing on the word count was a good move too, the brevity of the story is definitely one of its strong suits. Your story piles on the creep factor with each "Stanza" the first half is composed pretty well.
Only real gripe is that the last couple of paragraphs don't feel like they narratively "fit" with the rest of the story. The reveal is good, but the tone changes a bit too sharply. I wouldn't mind the changes to the Duke/King/Fuckbird being a little bit more verbose over each step, as there's just something about the word-choice on those last 300 or so words that feels like it came from a different place, maybe a little rushed. A good middle of the pack entry.

THRANGUY - Twenty Questions and a Door Slammed Shut:
Suffers from a total lack of dialogue attribution. Makes it very hard to read. Some of the dialogue would be probably be pretty good given context. The lack of a clear perspective character made this story is super hard to follow. I have no empathy for your PoV character, and worse still, even two-thirds of the way through I have only the SCANTEST idea when your PoV character is the one speaking. I didn't have any idea what you were going for because of the nonexistent narrative. Even a script/transcript version of dialogue attribution would have done wonders for the readability.

FLERP - The Owl:
I liked this one when I first read through it but didn't stand out to me at first. Gave it a reread it and found myself much more into it. Only thing that really hit me as out of place was the flashback, and not because it felt inappropriate, it just wasn't distinct enough from the owl. Other than that Djeser's feedback is basically verbatim to my thoughts on it.

CALIGULA KANGAROO - The World Goes Dark, and I Am Afraid:
Clear voice and PoV that doesn't leave room for confusion. One or two typos but I'm pretty forgiving with spelling errors in most cases. flash-fiction with tight deadlines. Strongest story I've read thus far. Could have suffered from a potentially cliche ending but there was enough callback to the action that kept it fresh and disturbing. If I were out of stories this would be my winner, but I've still got a few to go.

BIGPERM - Hush:
Your descriptions of things rule. Your voice rules. I like your curmudgeonly old lady who hates life, and I love that her story ends in a cacophony of emotion for a lady that seemingly has nothing but contempt. I love that her ending doesn't call back to her frustration with a changing world, and I love that it just ENDS. It's chillingly real and sad with a faint optimistic uptick. Legitimately terrifying. I'm glad I don't know anything of this man in black. The is he an "angel of death" or "THE Angel Of Death had me shaken. Could have done without the "And it ended" but not much other than that I'd think to complain about. I'm pretty sure she dies after this, but I'm glad she remembered a time back before she hated everything. Really good, but you were competing with some powerhouse stories for the top slots.

ELECTRIC OWL - And the House is On Fire:
I had high hopes for this one almost immediately. I was ready for a heartbreaking struggle with the protagonist's own body. It's I had empathy for him from the get go, but it was a slow slide into torpid cliches after the apprehension of the first few sentences. I agree with the current feedback that it was a Goon Character doing goon things. My problem is that it was SO CLOSE to being a real tragedy. I think you were going for the idea that we take our mobility for granted and that we assume that a cam-girl couldn't have legitimate affection for some internet goon that pays to see her naked. If that's the case I wanted more reaction. I wanted to see this guy struggle to save himself, I wanted him to make it even though I new he wouldn't. I wanted Goon's cam-girl to show some emotion. The ending came off as lazy. Also the implied pedophilia was a bit off-putting but not in a way that fit with everything else. Unlikable character does nothing likable.
I could be wrong and this is just a lethargic attempt at an arthouse fat-joke though, it's hard to tell.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

SkaAndScreenplays posted:

[b][I'm Still Working On Crits For This Week/b]
Here's the first batch. Apologies if these are a bit enigmatic. Also if you don't like my crit style brawl me. IDK If I go a little too over the top in what struck a chord or didn't land

I don't like you or how you start your crits from the top to the bottom.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


me judge.

bigperm
Jul 10, 2001
some obscure reference

Wow. Thanks SkaAndScreenplays for the crit. Truly.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME







Oxxidation posted:


Witnesses:

flerp
Thranguy
lite frisk :toxx:
Entenzahn :toxx:
Carl Killer Miller
llamaguccii
Benny Profane

I look forward to you all disappointing me in new ways.

what is this pathetic showing, did a video game come out this week or something

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!







Sitting Here posted:

what is this pathetic showing, did a video game come out this week or something

weird i dont c ur name there either

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME







flerp posted:

weird i dont c ur name there either

I like to give other people a chance sometimes :)

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!







Sitting Here posted:

I like to give other people a chance sometimes :)

true, other people need the losertar 2

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why did you fail Thunderdome?


this week is basically a brawl between thranguy and me

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why did you fail Thunderdome?


lol if you think you can step up to this just lol

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME







flerp posted:

true, other people need the losertar 2

then maybe it is you who should abstain this week

:trumppop:

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010


Entenzahn posted:

lol if you think you can step up to this just lol
lol in

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010


u woke the dragon, son

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!







Sitting Here posted:

then maybe it is you who should abstain this week

:trumppop:

ah yes the classic "no u" own fine work

for a buttface

Boaz-Jachim
Sep 20, 2015

CANERE CORAM LEONE


In. :toxx:

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!







sh only tries to own me through her shitposts but im gonna own her in a gosh darn brawl

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why did you fail Thunderdome?


SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

u woke the dragon, son

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why did you fail Thunderdome?


flerp posted:

sh only tries to own me through her shitposts but im gonna own her in a gosh darn brawl

Dibs

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME







flerp posted:

sh only tries to own me through her shitposts but im gonna own her in a gosh darn brawl

yeah alright, I guess the concussive trauma I gave you last time probably made you forget how hard i routinely own you

:toxx: for whenever the brawl prompt goes up

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.






Sitting Here posted:

yeah alright, I guess the concussive trauma I gave you last time probably made you forget how hard i routinely own you

:toxx: for whenever the brawl prompt goes up

Whenever the second failure of a parent spawn toxxes up, this is what you two will be writing about.

Do I love you?

You have until October 1st, 2359 EST, my marriage anniversary, to write a story of an immortal coming to terms with their love for a mortal soul. Your writing styles do not make me vomit, so you'll have a maximum of 3,000 words. I swear to God if you let me down, I shall be very cross with the two of you.

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.







gently caress you, I'll brawl you, you piece of poo poo

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why did you fail Thunderdome?


Sitting Here posted:

yeah alright, I guess the concussive trauma I gave you last time probably made you forget how hard i routinely own you

:toxx: for whenever the brawl prompt goes up

flerping all over here brawl

those of you who know me know that i love my action, thus, your prompt is as follows: write a depressing literary piece about life in Russia or the Soviet Union. I want unfair. I want struggle. I want a lack of potatoes and winter is coming any day now, holy gently caress I think it's already snowing oh shittttt. Any time period is fine. You don't have to write about potato farmers. Bonus points if you can make me laugh and feel sad at the same time.

:pcgaming: flash rulez :pcgaming:
flerp: needs to incorporate dreams, or narrative elements or events with dreamlike quality
sh: needs to incorporate a bad poster

word count: i'll read until i'm bored (don't bore me)
date: oct 6th, 23.59 CEST

flerp, toxx up

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why did you fail Thunderdome?


Mercedes posted:

gently caress you, I'll brawl you, you piece of poo poo

sure and we can even use that dumb prompt of yours so you didn't spend those thirty seconds actually writing something for nothing :toxx:

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME







Mercedes posted:

Whenever the second failure of a parent spawn toxxes up, this is what you two will be writing about.

Do I love you?

You have until October 1st, 2359 EST, my marriage anniversary, to write a story of an immortal coming to terms with their love for a mortal soul. Your writing styles do not make me vomit, so you'll have a maximum of 3,000 words. I swear to God if you let me down, I shall be very cross with the two of you.

Entenzahn posted:

flerping all over here brawl

those of you who know me know that i love my action, thus, your prompt is as follows: write a depressing literary piece about life in Russia or the Soviet Union. I want unfair. I want struggle. I want a lack of potatoes and winter is coming any day now, holy gently caress I think it's already snowing oh shittttt. Any time period is fine. You don't have to write about potato farmers. Bonus points if you can make me laugh and feel sad at the same time.

:pcgaming: flash rulez :pcgaming:
flerp: needs to incorporate dreams, or narrative elements or events with dreamlike quality
sh: needs to incorporate a bad poster

word count: i'll read until i'm bored (don't bore me)
date: oct 6th, 23.59 CEST

flerp, toxx up

ummmm can i take the parts that i like from these prompts, combine them, and disregard the parts i don't like

mainly i just don't feel like setting a story in Russia because i don't want to fall down a Wikipedia hole trying to sound credible

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME







can we get some arbitration in here, or...?

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!







Sitting Here posted:

can we get some arbitration in here, or...?

yeah

gently caress you ent were using merc's prompt get owned dweeb

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010


Use Merc's prompt. It doesn't suck.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME







:siren: Entenmerc Brawl :siren:

You have to write your respective prompts. That means Merc, you're writing about an immortal coming to terms with their love for a mortal. Ent, you're writing about depressing Russian poo poo hitting the fan. I'm sure you'll write exactly the kind of thing you'd want to read.

Words count: Who cares don't be boring
Due date: October 1st

Judge can be me, or me and flerp if he wants.

If you both agree and :toxx:, I will do my best to write both of your prompts, with the caveat that there is no word limit and the due date for Flerp and I is also on the 1st of October. Flerp can agree or not agree to this i don't care, ur already toxxed fucker

SkaAndScreenplays
Dec 11, 2013

by Pragmatica


IN:
I have crippling insomnia to thank for what I hope is a brilliant way of tackling the prompt. Hopefully it acts as a means by which I'll actually finish a goddamned story for once.

EDIT:
gently caress it... Add a :toxx: for good measure. Maybe a deadline will put me to sleep.

SkaAndScreenplays fucked around with this message at 02:15 on Sep 22, 2016

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.






:toxx:

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why did you fail Thunderdome?


SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

Use Merc's prompt. It doesn't suck.

man remember when you did that megabrawl thing because it sounded like a neat idea to you but then you stopped doing crits like one round in and photoshopped bears instead lol

Entenzahn fucked around with this message at 05:14 on Sep 22, 2016

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why did you fail Thunderdome?


Sitting Here posted:

:siren: Entenmerc Brawl :siren:

You have to write your respective prompts. That means Merc, you're writing about an immortal coming to terms with their love for a mortal. Ent, you're writing about depressing Russian poo poo hitting the fan. I'm sure you'll write exactly the kind of thing you'd want to read.

Words count: Who cares don't be boring
Due date: October 1st

Judge can be me, or me and flerp if he wants.

If you both agree and :toxx:, I will do my best to write both of your prompts, with the caveat that there is no word limit and the due date for Flerp and I is also on the 1st of October. Flerp can agree or not agree to this i don't care, ur already toxxed fucker

I'll need until Oct 3 at least, but I'm in otherwise. Your story doesn't have to be in Russia and research about the place isn't nearly as important to me as a proper story.

this has turned a little chaotic :ironicat: so I won't call in the toxxes. I'm still taking stories so I guess I'll call the brawl based on what I get or don't get and leave it up to a higher power, and if neither of you submits probably nothing will happen but idk these are exciting times who knows whats around the corner. basically if you want a crit write me something, if you dont, dont?? idk

the ideal scenario would be of course that flerp only does mercs prompt so i dont have to read his story

Entenzahn fucked around with this message at 05:31 on Sep 22, 2016

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!







chaos reigns

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME







So how I am envisioning this is: flerp and I will each write one story that incorporates both prompts. For simplicity's sake, I won't ask you to judge together because idk how feasible that would be. Instead, you will each give our stories a score from one to ten. Obviously whoever has the highest score wins.

Since you were both so eager to judge, I don't see why we should deprive you of that :)

Your brawl with each other will work exactly as I explained in my brawl post. Deadline is between October 1 and 3 for the benefit of all combatants.

:sun:

anime was right
Jun 27, 2008

death is certain
keep yr cool


your avatar is so smug it is great

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SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010


Entenzahn posted:

man remember when you did that megabrawl thing because it sounded like a neat idea to you but then you stopped doing crits like one round in and photoshopped bears instead lol
The point of that was fightin, not crittin. Re fightin u didnt even make the 3rd round lol

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