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Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006


Good crits

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newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003

by Nyc_Tattoo


Yes, good crits! Thanks to both of you!

IN with LIEKO

A tree-trunk submerged at the bottom of a lake.

Carl Killer Miller
Apr 28, 2007

This is the way that it all falls.
This is how I feel,
This is what I need:




Titus82 posted:

Flerp your word is: Culaccino (Italian) which means the stain left on a table from a cold glass of water.

Noah, do you want a word or a flash rule? If it is a word then your word is: Mangata (Swedish) The glimmering, road-like reflection that the moon creates on the water.

Hey Titus. I'm in.

Nevermind the flash word, going to do Radioukacz

Carl Killer Miller fucked around with this message at 15:03 on Mar 2, 2016

sparksbloom
Apr 30, 2006


Thanks for the crits!

Meis
Sep 2, 2011



Thanks for the crits (please don't misgender me next time though)! Especially the bits about saying more with less words. That's something I really need to work on, so I appreciate the help!

This experience has taught me one very valuable lesson, which is that if I come up with something that is almost twice as long as the word limit allows, then I should just start over and properly come up with a story that is short, instead of hacking a longer story in half and totally murdering it. I would be proud of myself for not losing, but frankly I just got lucky that someone wrote an even worse story than mine.

I will keep thunderdoming until I become, well, somewhat decent?? Less terrible, at any rate. I think that is an achieveable goal. So I'm in with Won

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


Meis posted:

Thanks for the crits (please don't misgender me next time though)! Especially the bits about saying more with less words. That's something I really need to work on, so I appreciate the help!

This experience has taught me one very valuable lesson, which is that if I come up with something that is almost twice as long as the word limit allows, then I should just start over and properly come up with a story that is short, instead of hacking a longer story in half and totally murdering it. I would be proud of myself for not losing, but frankly I just got lucky that someone wrote an even worse story than mine.

I will keep thunderdoming until I become, well, somewhat decent?? Less terrible, at any rate. I think that is an achieveable goal.
So I'm in with Won

After The War
Apr 12, 2005

to all of my Architects
let me be traitor


Additional crit thanks.

Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

I'm bokeh, you're bokeh


In with Komorebi (Japanese).

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003

by Nyc_Tattoo


Ironic Twist posted:

In with Komorebi (Japanese).

This is so dodgy. You have clearly pre-written a story and then suggested a prompt to fit.

Rathlord
Sep 5, 2015

Angry know-it-all.


I guess now's as good a time as any to lose my Thunderginity.

In with Bakku-shan.

Can I post my submission now or do I need to wait for signups to close?

e: And sorry in advance for the lovely prose.

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003

by Nyc_Tattoo


Rathlord posted:


Can I post my submission now or do I need to wait for signups to close?


You don't have to wait, but why wouldn't you? You have like four days to edit. Then your lovely prose might be slightly less lovely.

A Tin Of Beans
Nov 25, 2013



In with Tingo (Pascuense)!

Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

Yes, the good words are gone.

Why are the good words gone?!





I'm the Wolf-head helmet.

No, wait.

I'm the second judge.

Siddhartha Glutamate
Oct 3, 2005


Titus82 is... Judico Rex

Thranguy is... Judico Grande

And you could be... Judico Venti

Siddhartha Glutamate
Oct 3, 2005


newtestleper posted:

This is so dodgy. You have clearly pre-written a story and then suggested a prompt to fit.

I concur. This is what I think happened: Twist came up with the idea for the prompt, posted the suggestion on the archive page, and then set about writing a story for each and every word so that when it was finally selected he could submit a story no matter if you were restricted to first come first serve or the free for all option I've gone with.

Which means that his story better be loving awesome OR ELSE.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


in with Mamihlapinatapei

QuoProQuid
Jan 12, 2012

Tr*ckin' and F*ckin' all the way to tha
T O P


Titus82 posted:

Titus82 is... Judico Rex

Thranguy is... Judico Grande

And you could be... Judico Venti



If you still need a third judge, I'll willing to volunteer.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006


In with won.

hotsoupdinner
Apr 12, 2007
eat up

In with Mamihlapinatapei (Yagan)

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


hotsoupdinner posted:

In with Mamihlapinatapei (Yagan)

i got my eye on u

Siddhartha Glutamate
Oct 3, 2005


QuoProQuid posted:

If you still need a third judge, I'll willing to volunteer.

I will only accept you as a volunteer if you can pick a better judge title than Judico Venti, but not better than Judico Rex.



OH GOD PLEASE SAY YES! I AM SO DESPERATE FOR ANOTHER JUDGE!

hotsoupdinner
Apr 12, 2007
eat up

crabrock posted:

i got my eye on u

Great. Now we're sharing some sort of meaningful look.

Hug in a Can
Aug 1, 2010

NICE FLAMINGO
kind heart
fierce mind
brave spirit

:h: be good and try hard! :h:



I'm in, but I can't decide between incorporating Aware and Wabi-Sabi - they're both concepts that I've adored for ages. :love:

Is it okay if I use both?

Meis
Sep 2, 2011




Do not crit my posting. I'll post as verbosely as i want to!

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again



Hug in a Can posted:

I'm in, but I can't decide between incorporating Aware and Wabi-Sabi - they're both concepts that I've adored for ages. :love:

Is it okay if I use both?

No one will be upset if you use both well, but if you clearly tried to cram two stories worth of ideas into one story and don't do either one justice, then people are going to be upset.

As a rule of thumb, if you can pull it off, you'll get away with just about anything.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


Meis posted:

Do not crit my posting. I'll post as verbosely as i want to!

:o:

Meis
Sep 2, 2011



"c[s posted:

rabr[/s]ock" post="457050632"]
:o:

villainous rodent! :aaa:

Graviija
Apr 26, 2008

Implied, Lisa...or implode?


College Slice

In with tsundoku.

Bird Tyrant
Apr 21, 2003

THUNDERDOME LOSER

in with fernweh

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







Djeser posted:

No one will be upset if you use both well, but if you clearly tried to cram two stories worth of ideas into one story and don't do either one justice, then people are going to be upset.

As a rule of thumb, if you can pull it off, you'll get away with just about anything.

don't ask permission for things act as you see fit and deal with the consequences.

sebmojo fucked around with this message at 02:52 on Mar 5, 2016

Siddhartha Glutamate
Oct 3, 2005


Djeser posted:

No one will be upset if you use both well, but if you clearly tried to cram two stories worth of ideas into one story and don't do either one justice, then people are going to be upset.

As a rule of thumb, if you can pull it off, you'll get away with just about anything.

Oh is that right, Djeser? I didn't realize that "Djeser" means "Judge" in Anime. OH WAIT Anime isn't a language.

BOOM, burned.

:siren: FLASH RULE :siren:

Djeser gets -69 words and must include the word Honorificabilitudinitatibus which means "I had to google this word so you can go google it too."

sebmojo posted:

don't ask permission for things act as you see fit and deal with the consequences.

Oh so now Sebmojo wants to get in out the Judging action, but did I see him volunteering for the posits? No, I didn't, so you know what?

-1000 words for Seb. Trying winning now ya Hobbit!

Let's get one thing straight people: This is not a democracy, this is a damned dictatorship and I am the King of Dictation.

And I am here ALL WEEK... Well, until Monday at Midnight. But it was all week if you count the time I've already been a judge.

Oh and Hug in a Can? You do you.

I am too lazy to check who is signed up for this week, so Seb if you did sign up ignore the flash rule.

Edit: I used "gently caress" way too much in this post.

Siddhartha Glutamate fucked around with this message at 05:42 on Mar 5, 2016

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







Meis posted:

Do not butt my buttting. I'll butt as buttly as i butt

Siddhartha Glutamate
Oct 3, 2005


Acceptance of new 'Domers is now closed. This weeks roster consists of the following:

Killer of Lawyers with Iktsuarpok (The frustration of waiting for someone to show up.)

Sparksbloom with tsundoku (the act of leaving a book unread after buying it.)

Guiness13 with Wabi-Sabi (Accepting the cycle of growth and decay.)

Grizzled Patriarch with Tingo (Gradually stealing your neighbor's possessions by borrowing and not returning them.)

Ghost Crow with Aware (The bittersweetness of a brief and fading moment of transcendent beauty)

Flerp with Culaccino (the stain left on a table from a cold glass of water.)

Noah with Mangata (the glimmering road-like reflection that the moon creates on the water.)

Newtestleper with Lieko (A submerged tree trunk at the bottom of a lake)

Carl Killer Miller with Radioukacz (telegraphists in the resistance movement in the Soviet Union.)

Meis with Won (The reluctance on a personís part to let go of an illusion.)

Ironic Twist with Komorebi (The effect of sunlight shining through trees.)

Rathlord* with Bakku-shan (a beautiful woman, if she is only viewed from behind.)

A Tin Can of Beans with Tingo (Gradually stealing your neighbor's possessions by borrowing and not returning them)

crabrock with Mamihlapinatapei (A wordless yet meaningful look shared by two people who yearn to initiate something but are reluctant to start.)

Tyrannosaurus Rex with Won (The reluctance on a personís part to let go of an illusion.)

Hotsoupdinner with Mamihlapinatapei (A wordless yet meaningful look shared by two people who yearn to initiate something but are reluctant to start.)

Hug in a Can with Aware and Wabi-Sabi (The bittersweetness of a brief and fading moment of transcendent beauty and Accepting the cycle of growth and decay.)

Graviija with tsundoku (the act of leaving a book unread after buying it)

Bird Tyrant with fernweh (feeling homesick for a place you've never been to.)


*First time domers (that I know of.)



edit: Submissions are still open... I'm pretty dumb, folks.

Siddhartha Glutamate fucked around with this message at 06:52 on Mar 5, 2016

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




Some random crits from week 185 since I'm bored and read a few of the mentions just to see what was up.

crabrock - Whispers

I always do hate when I seem to be critical of winners in weeks I enter because it makes me look salty but this is still a good story, but I have a few issues with it.

First of all, your antagonist makes no sense from pretty much the get-go. Ok, so this guy apparently is a professional, not like super nice, but you know, does his stuff. Then, he somehow sees her bank account (how, exactly? how does the protagonist even knows he saw it?) and then he's like "ok, time for me to be a big old dick bag." Like, if his motivation is to get all the money why the gently caress would he start acting like a dick all of a sudden? That seems counterproductive to his goal, doesn't it? Or at least, doesn't make the slightest sense. "Hmmm, yes, I will start treating this girl w/ a lot of money that I'm going to trick people into believing im going to marry like a piece of human trash even though before she even had money, I was treating her alright." That just makes no sense and in a story where the horror comes from realism, it really takes me out. Your antagonist can be horrible, but it doesn't feel real. It feels backward, like you were like "oh i need to make my antagonist a bad person so ok now he is" but that doesn't make sense.

But yeah, besides that though, this works for the most part. The horror is real and interesting and story itself is cool with the prose being mostly strong. Something about the ending rubs me the wrong way, I wish for maybe something a bit more then just that, but idk, that just might be nitpicky. Your character was believable and strong, and that carried throughout the story, which kept it from getting dull. I feel like if you hammered out some of your logic issues, this could be much stronger. A deserved win, still.

Blue Wher - Deliver Me From Fireflies

The biggest issue here is relevance. Why does any of this poo poo matter, and what does this mean. The whole thing when you create a story about hallucinations and imaginations is that it sucks away all the tension. The horror here could be this uncertainty that the hallucinations are real, but well, they're kind of just explained away. Also, it feels hard to understand exactly what the important elements in a story. Readers have a sort of trust that when they start reading something and a writer brings something up, readers say "ok, this is important." When you give us a lot of scattered hallucinations, for the first few, I'm with you. But then I start to realize that these hallucinations, the minotaurs, the time skips, all of that, they're not really doing anything. They aren't specifically important. So now I'm just reading a bunch of scattered images that don't fit together, don't build up to anything, and I'm bored.

So then you don't have a story. You technically have a conflict. Not a good one, but it's there. Wanting to go to sleep can work, if you made it more interesting, but other then that, not much happens. There's just hallucinations, hallucinations, fireflies, the end. Your protagonist doesn't do anything, doesn't work to achieve a specific goal, and worst of all, he's bland and lifeless. He's pretty much just a camera, something for us to look through, when that's not what I want. What I want is somebody I can relate to, somebody with a personality that I can root for, or at least be interested in. This man is just dull and I don't care for him.

Muffin - The South Sea Shuffle

What the gently caress? How do you spit out a lung, those things are pretty loving big and wouldn't really fit in your throat. And what, how does being on the fifth floor make vertigo more likely?

Jesus christ, I said what the gently caress like five times while reading this. This was body horror in the most gratuitous and stupidest way possible. Like, your protag is bare bones and the little bits of her we make her really unlikable or like, completely unrepeatable whatsoever. It's just... nothing makes any sense in this poo poo. There's blood and guts and things falling and why the gently caress is there a twerking doctor and why did he fart and what the gently caress is all of this poo poo? Like, the doctor really makes no sense, and you bring up things like he swears he's not the devil (where the gently caress did that come from?). Like, I think you gave some details in the body horror and that's kind of cool, but like, there's nothing else to it. It's just blood and guts and eating hands and blah blah blah that this feels like a bad B-movie. But I mean, movies get away with it because theyre visual and can be really fun, but stories can't really get away with that as much. It just gets kind of stupid and incomprehensible.

CANNIBAL GIRLS - Lingering Things


You know what screams horror, 500 words of complaining about a husband and chocolate rain. Much like Blue Wher, where making fireflies scary is probably a near impossible task, I think making chocolate rain scary in the slightest is quite literally impossible. I mean, every time you reference the smell of it, it's positive and nice because it's loving chocolate. That doesn't work in horror. That's not to say you can't subvert chocolate and make it scary. I mean, a lot horror relies on taking something normal and twisting it in such a manner that it becomes perverted and strange. So you could, in essence, make a mundane thing like chocolate and spookify it. But, when it's literal chocolate rain that apparently has monsters for some reason? it just doesn't work. Like, even from a non-horror standpoint, I don't see the point in this. The beginning is dull musing and introspection, where I wasn't even sure she was actually going to rob a bank, and then some action near the end, but the big issue is how does "Robbing a bank because the husband wants to be a DJ" and "chocolate rain comes and has monster" correlate? I mean, in real life, a lot of things don't correlate, but in stories, they kind of have to. Because if you don't, this kind of thing happens where im like "wtf? why is any of this happening?" So maybe you can make a connection between these ideas. Maybe you can't. If you can't, then don't put these two ideas together.

Thranguy - The Mob of Darts: An Oral History

What's the story here? Who's the character? You know what, let's forget about those and ask ourselves the simple questions that should always be answered: What's entertaining about this? The concept itself is initially intriguing, what with paper planes being a tool used to murder people, but after that initial "oh, huh, that's kind of cool," it just devolves into kind of standard apocalypse fare, without anything new or intriguing that comes from it being caused by paper planes. Maybe the eyes thing is something kind of cool, but that gets swept under the rug really quick. It's just, past the concept, what is there? You don't have a character, or an arc, or really a story. Well, you kind of have a story, but it's just not that interesting. There's no real stakes at play because there's no character to latch onto, nothing to make me be invested into this world. I feel like, especially with horror, there has to be a character and interest in a character so as to make me care. Horror doesn't work if I don't care. Hell, is this even horror? Like, maybe the concept is kind of horror, but like, it isn't really. It's just, there's no dread, no fear, no tension. Things happen, they occur, but I don't have any investment, anything that makes me jump out of my seat or feel really anything, least of all fear. Maybe it's kind of scary to imagine the world being take over by paper planes, but the story itself, not spooky, or entertaining, at all.

ghost crow - Sensorium

Honestly, compared to the other DMs, I'm not quite sure why this one was hit. I'm not saying that this was like a masterpiece or anything, but it had some neat concepts and ideas and they felt well articulated enough for me to good general feel for what you were getting at it. It was a bit too "Brave New World" for me, and it was really dumb to make your main character for some reason the creator of the Sensorium. Like, that doesn't really make sense, and it could've been more interesting to have the history of him be more personal rather than just that weird dumb revelation about being the creator. I thought the final scene didn't have the impact that you wanted, and it was really weird that he broke all his fingers for like, no reason but to just prove he felt no pain. Still, while it was world buildy, there was enough concepts and a bit of intrigue and character moments to make me feel like this was a story that was trying to do something interesting and had enough technical merit that it didn't completely fail.

Still, the issue remains that this feels very derivative and not very unique as a story concept. The whole dystopia created by drugs and pleasure is done a lot, and maybe that's just because I love "Brave New World" but I feel like you have to take it in a really interesting and unique direction to avoid the comparisons. Similarly, your character was weak and the intrigue was odd and, now that I think about it, there's nothing your character really does. He sees a lady, she says some stuff, and he's like "huh?" and then the revelation comes not really because he wants to know, but just because it does. That overall hurts your story, since your character is passive and not completely interesting. Still, when I look at the other DMs, I think that this a story that had a goal in mind and the writer wrote in such a way that he got close to what he wanted it to be. It's not perfect, I wouldn't HM this anytime soon, but there's something there, something that made me have some interest rather than making me say "huh?" "what?" or "why the gently caress do I care?"

take the moon
Feb 12, 2011



spectral crit:

The Show by Sitting Here

i think a lot of this works as a good metaphor/whatever for someone who feels like theyre the center of attn. like in an obvious sense, such as an actress or sports figure, but it could also work for a really paranoid person who sees eyes in cameras and stuff. the first paragraph is kind of a setup for this, but also just a really effective execution. nothing escapes the gaze of the fans, even stray bits of hair.

so i didnt relate to this character, but i felt a sense of respect, and even awe, like the type you feel for a carny tightrope walker, everyone watching him up there in heaven, some praying for him to fall. this really worked textually since i felt in synchronicity with the other characters of Ya-chen's world. i could identify really easily with the commenters, not in terms of fandom or anything, but just a reverence for someone who can do something even approximating functioning in front of that many eyes.

the ending, to me, is just a power reversal. not to be cliche or paranoid, but u know, there are a lot of cameras out there these days, and people high above us, looking down, knowing that we'll never look up. in this story the watchers become the watched, and we realize that through being the centre of everyone's attention, Ya-Chen has given us all our freedom. the ending credits are a list of people who never wanted or cared about that freedom in the first place.

nitpick: u used the same name twice at the end, blurring the two characters a lil. some of the names in the credits sound p fake.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME






ty for the crit

Rathlord
Sep 5, 2015

Angry know-it-all.


Baby (Bakku-shan: A beautiful girl... as long as she's being viewed from behind)

Words: 636


He walked past her every night. Well, not right past her- he always stuck to the other side of the street. He was mortified that he might have to speak to her. But every time, she always waved or winked at him from the corner.

He'd seen her for the first time, after work, his first day on the job. It was that smoky night his co-workers told him they'd meet up for drinks at the Solid Gold bar. It was in a seedy neighborhood, but that didnít stand out to him. He didn't think anything of it until he got through the door and realized it wasn't his scene, so to speak. He hurried out into the noisy neon night blushing, and almost ran into her. He caught just a whiff of her sensual perfume amidst the cacophony of back alley vomit and piss smells that constantly assaulted his nose. He was so embarrassed and overwhelmed that he'd just mumbled a tepid apology into the grimy gutter and kept walking.

She was different each night- diverse silky clothes, tasteful jewelry, and groups of people with her- but also somehow also perpetually the same. She was always relaxed, hand on silky hip casually. She was always confident, bright smile charming everyone she glanced at. And she was always breathtaking, obsidian hair framing a perfect face. Aside from the sheer physical beauty, which was almost tangible even from across the street, she had an air about her that spoke of class and comfort. He felt as if they were made for each other. She was opposite him- calm to his nervousness, confidence to his meekness, classiness to his inelegance- but she also reminded him of the life he'd left behind. Just looking at her reminded him of the haut monde he'd once been accustomed to.

Today will be the day, he thought. The boss blustered. Today will be the day. The clerk chattered. Today will be the day. The customers complained. Today will be the day I speak with her!

He staggered out of work, somehow not as exhausted by the slog as normal. The humid air clung to him, so heavy his breathing felt labored as it sucked in the sickly-sweet scents of the smoke, sex, and drugs wafting past. For once, it didn't seem such an offense to his palate. He was electrified and alive! He was going to do it.

And then like a sucker punch to his gut the excitement was all vacuumed out of him. There she was. It was tunnel vision; everything faded but her. She looked transcendent, as always, too perfect to be real. He stayed on her side of the road, just this once. He walked towards her, and she noticed him- smiled, and beckoned! As he approached, the familiar twinge of her perfume struck him again.

"W-would you like to grab a drink?" The words tumbled forth in a jumble. He said it too quietly and from too far away, there's no way she could have heard him!

But her voice purred, as sultry as he'd imagined, "Baby, we can do anything you want if you've got the cash..." His throat constricted. The crushing weight of the cloying alley air suddenly struck him as if it were a physical blow. His mind hung like a skipping record for the briefest moment before all the pieces finally fell into place. He suddenly saw her. The pearls, fake; the perfume, cloying and overbearing; the way she carried herself, not stately, but salacious.

He saw his hand reach out suddenly, fist full of precious bills it had somehow fished from his wallet. She took the money, took his arm, took him away from the street corner.

take the moon
Feb 12, 2011



spectral crit:

Thus Always to Tyrants by Quo Pro Quid

okay so at the core the story seems to be about a mad emperor/tyrant/whatever who's after his own death. the reason is interesting; he wants to die at this moment because it would inconvenience any would be revolutionaries and plotters.

so the human element is really strong here. you can't really call the guy together, but he's too complicated to be called crazy. as i read this story i really want to picture what makes these men different. unfortunately, the descriptions, while ambitious, at times feel cliche. "eyes like fire" are a good example. a weak metaphor seems like, not as good as no metaphor at all. all i get essentially is that theyre dudes wearing togas with the lil laurel halos and i dont know if i read that or just assumed it.

what really bothered me is that this story is steeped in all that greco-roman cultural stuff. that's fine, but it interrupts the story at parts. in the first paragraph you give all the names of the emperor, and he's not even the main character. so i see what you were going for, but dressing everyone down in such historical ways makes me think less that theyre human beings and more that theyre walking busts that just strolled out of the museum. its okay to inflect their speech a bit, but you should remember that these people were just dudes, just people like you or me, and their conversations would be the same, i.e., not needlessly overdramatic.

that being said, i like the idea here a lot, someone who kills himself just to troll an entire empire. i would try not to let the historical furnishings get in the way that much, thats it.

take the moon fucked around with this message at 15:17 on Mar 6, 2016

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flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




spectres of autism challenged me to a brawl because he has a fetish for being owned and i graciously accepted. now who's going to judge this?

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