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  • Locked thread
newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003

by Nyc_Tattoo


Um, guys, do you think it would be okay if I.... I mean, would you mind if... I know it's a bit of an imposition and everything.... but would it be horrible if I... did.. a thing?

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Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why did you fail Thunderdome?


sitting here more like standing here and going "uhm uhm excuse me is this seat already taken? uhm. excuse me? excuse me?"

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why did you fail Thunderdome?


counts as my diss for the megabrawl btw

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







oh and t rex i withdraw my brawl challenge this is where you'll find me



just chillin on the top of a giant fuckin mound of skulls come find me if u want to dance

sebmojo fucked around with this message at 08:24 on May 25, 2016

Loutre
Jan 14, 2004

✓COMFY
✓CLASSY
✓HORNY
✓PEPSI

In for the prompt.

ZeBourgeoisie
Aug 8, 2013

THUNDERDOME
LOSER


Wow, TDome's gotten even dumber after I left.

There's really only one way to fix this.

J.A.B.C.
Jul 2, 2007

There's no need to rush to be an adult.




ZeBourgeoisie posted:

Wow, TDome's gotten even dumber after I left.

There's really only one way to fix this.



There's no fixing Thunderdome. It only works as a bloody club to flagellate oneself with at this point.

Mr Gentleman
Apr 29, 2003

the Educated Villain of London





Jitzu_the_Monk posted:

Free Crits, Week 198 – Buddy Week. Part I: Crits 1-8.

Thanks for the crits!

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME






THE THREAD HAS SPOKEN

:siren: Week 200 will be a prompt takeover. If you win this week, you will judge week 201 :siren:

If this doesn't work for whoever wins this week, tough titties see me and we'll figure something out.

Maugrim posted:

Seriously why the gently caress are you asking politely if you can stage a military coup in your own thread

Worst OP ever

newtestleper posted:

Um, guys, do you think it would be okay if I.... I mean, would you mind if... I know it's a bit of an imposition and everything.... but would it be horrible if I... did.. a thing?


Entenzahn posted:

sitting here more like standing here and going "uhm uhm excuse me is this seat already taken? uhm. excuse me? excuse me?"

Are there any among you who i haven't crushed utterly?

Let them cast the first lol

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


lol

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME







crabrock is too much of a wuss to back this lol up with a fight btw

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




lol

Carl Killer Miller
Apr 28, 2007

This is the way that it all falls.
This is how I feel,
This is what I need:




This is the worst slapfight on the internet. Someone pull out someone's weave already instead of this will they won't they bullshit.

I can't participate in this brawl because my writing is too monumentally lovely and even I'm embarrassed just reading this thread.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME






You're all adorable and I love you

dmboogie
Oct 4, 2013



I'm glad that everyone's getting hyped up for the prompt, but you weren't supposed to make the thread an apocalyptic shithole, people

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




its always been one actually

Grizzled Patriarch
Mar 27, 2014

These dentures won't stop me from tearing out jugulars in Thunderdome.





These guys, uh, they're not very good. *frantically mashes the broken laughtrack cue button* You, uh, read their words, and the impression you get is that they're bad - they're less than ideal words. *breaks into flop sweat*

ZeBourgeoisie
Aug 8, 2013

THUNDERDOME
LOSER


This thread sucks and I hope you all die in a fiery explosion.

Marshmallow Blue
Apr 25, 2010


ZeBourgeoisie posted:

This thread sucks and I hope you all die in a fiery explosion.

Poorly written by yours truly.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




crits last week i guess

marshmallow blues

wtf was this poo poo? seriously. wtf.

ok heres my key points
-capitalize correctly
-use commas correctly
-dont waste half of your story detailing people buying a car
-violence =/= substance. its usually dumb to end on violence and usually lacks substance
-said's a good word. use it more instead of other ones like exclaimed.
-your dialogue's p bad and bland add some character to it
-im happy you added a conflict but there wasnt much else of substance. it needs to say more, be more, do something interesting.
-read more. write more.
absolutely despise it

dmboogie
-too many words in the intro. you can get this conflict across quicker and easier.
-some awkward prose.
-why does the ghost keep going with him. not rly feeling them as buddies atm.
-second scene is an exposition dump (and it smells)
-third scene dialogue hurts. wayyyy 2 on the nose
-jumps in times are odd, probably better if you kept it linear, this story isnt rly worth these weird jumps.
-ending feels unearned. protag never struggles to succeed he just kinda does. neither does Keith struggle eithr, they both just win because, well, you said so.
dont like

jitzu
-kid's an rear end in a top hat wtf
-wtf this is so edgy
-wtf is this kid?
-wtf
-protag did nothing
-edginess for what gain? idk
-story doesnt have a conclusion rly feels like theres more to be said
-really mstly just revolting without anything else to it
hate it

hammer bro
-i dont know
-im so loving confused
-idk what happened this loving sucked
-like... seriously idk where to begin. theres something ur trying to say but jesus does it not come through at all
-600 words and 4(!) characters. you dont have enough words to flesh them
all out.
-the worst part is, even if the world makes no sense, theres no real story. like its a scene, specifically an intro to a fantasy book
confused also hated it

thranguy

-talkimg and talking and talkimg and gently caress gwt on with it
-"start an adventure" gently caress you. fuckkkkkkkkkkk you. a loving prologue jesus christ
-boring nothing happening
-ending wasnt funny
didnt like

mr gentleman
-get on with it
-johnsteinbeck's a stupid loving name
-i hate it when writer's feel the need to reference famous authors/stories. its almost like theyre trying to show off. personal pet peeve tbf
-idgi w/r/t the changing. like it doesnt make sense imho
-ending works kinda
-this was, might i dare say it, ok. not exceptional but its a story w/ words that when put together dont suck.
-like this isnt good, its average. prose is weak. you still got some work cut out for you. but its a story with a conflict and an ending (even if the ending is a little too sequel-ish).
-i think i achieved my goal of "finding a story that is ok this week"
this one. its alright.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006


Good crits

Hammer Bro.
Jul 7, 2007

THUNDERDOME LOSER



Marshmallow Blue

Whoa, extraneous commas.

I like that the parrot is trying to sell things. I'm not sure why Jim Gorges got a full name since I'm assuming he's a minor character.

I totally would buy a used car from a parrot like that, by the way.

Wait who's Brady?

I'm not sure why the normal people aren't still in shock at the intelligent parrot. They got over that awfully quickly for what I'm guessing to be an otherwise normal backdrop.

Heh. I like the detail about the parrot's singing being significantly worse than the dude's. I suspect it would be true.

Nothing to say about the next few scenes. That's generally a good thing.

So I like that the car salesman is sabotaging the car in car-specific ways. Then by the way he pops out and breaks a neck. Whoa is that understated and incongruous.

The action that follows is painfully encyclopedic. Let me quote you the first word of each of those sentences: "Jim. Brady. Jim. Brady. Jim. He." I left out about half the Jims and Bradys that were present there, but it grew monotonous right quick which is not something you want in your action scenes.

Aha, what? Despite being quite trite I'll give you some points for the ending in that it's got nice finality with the up/down/pound/boom which I didn't see coming when it was said earlier.

Overall this piece feels like a generic and forgettable action script (daytime television), with one protagonist swapped out for a parrot.

Siddhartha Glutamate
Oct 3, 2005


SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

I want to judge a bigass slaughterbrawl. I've got a prompt ready and everything.

:siren: IF YOU HAVE WON OR HM'D AT LEAST ONCE, YOU CAN SIGN UP FOR MY BRAWL AND BE ASSIGNED A SHOWDOWN PARTNER. WINNERS GO INTO THE SOUND ROUND AND SO ON AND SO FORTH UNTIL THERE IS ONLY ONE. PLEASE POST AN AMUSING INSULT WHEN YOU SIGN UP, AND IF THERE'S ODD NUMBERS THE PERSON WITH THE WEAKEST BURN AUTOMATICALLY LOSES THE FIRST ROUND. :siren:

I'm as in as your mom should have been at the abortion clinic.

The Saddest Rhino posted:

nobody bothered to read this, just like all of my stories

Holy poo poo, you actually WON a week?

sebmojo posted:

The only ball will be the ball I crush under my cyber boot in

Well, that's still one more ball than you've got between your kiwi legs.

Ironic Twist posted:

In, and I need to go up against Oxxi so I can face him in a Homestuck Fanfiction brawl and still win.

Okay, so this isn't a burn on you, as it is on everybody else... But why the gently caress are you still wasting your time posting here? You handily win practically ever week you enter, so I can only assume that you are afraid of testing your metal in the real world.

GET THE gently caress OUT OF HERE AND PUBLISH FOR REALZIES!

dmboogie posted:

The only reason I won was because everyone else was utter poo poo.

^ Slightly paraphrased.

spectres of autism posted:

my insult is that everyone but me is gay and im only like half gay

poo poo or get off the penis.

Um... I dunno where I was going with that one.

curlingiron posted:

Hi this is your high school Algebra/Geometry/Trig teacher reminding you that you are exactly as stupid and inept as my class made you feel. Megabrawl me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nHwpw4jscQ8

This is just one more reason why we should never trust a school teacher. Not ever.

All I can say is this: you have a degree in mathematics and you decided to become a school teacher. Not an engineer, a scientist, a statistician, or something equally cool, but a lame-rear end school teacher, where you will waste your life trying to reach disinterested youth who will constantly fail you.

Courage.

flerp posted:

no ur all gay 2 but im gay still

Triggered :(

Sitting Here posted:

:siren: kind of important post? :siren:

SH, I am not trying to burn you, and I know this post wasn't your entry into the megabrawl, but I've been holding back for a long time and I've just got to get this out there once and for all.

Your whole goody two-shoe routine is absolute bullshit.

You goddamn well know that you are just as broke brain as the rest of us, wishing for the bittersweet release of death, if not for yourself, then for that rear end in a top hat in front of you in line at Target. I mean, doesn't that jackass know how much of a douchebag he looks like? You know the one I am talking about, the type of guy who twenty years ago would have worn a mullet and quoted racist versions of Jeff Foxworthy jokes, but nowadays a has a pencil beard, tribal tattoos on one arm, and swears he isn't racist because he listens to rap, though his pickup has a Trump sicker on it.

It is perfectly normal, and even the morally right thing, to want that guy to die a horrible death before he can spew anymore of his DNA into some equally trashy woman.

But look, I get it. While in your own mind you are down here in the muck with the rest of us, deep down you know you can't hack it. You tell yourself that you are not creative enough, not fast enough, not funny enough to be able to burn people. So instead you opt out by acting nice. Not a genuine niceness, a pretend niceness, the kind that slowly eats away at your insides and turns you into some Countess from a Jane Austin novel. Oh yes, it is so wonderful that Emily finally managed to get married, after all it can be so difficult to find a man who does not mind a woman with experience.

Just... Let it out. What is the worst thing that could happen? You might sound dumb? Well. you already do!

But seriously, next time, don't ask for permission, just loving take it. This is the Thunderdome, if somebody wants to cry, let 'em.


And everybody else... I don't know who you are and I don't care.

curlingiron
Dec 15, 2006

Come fight terrifying creatures in the THUNDERDOME!



Not now, Honey, the adults are talking.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME






Sitting Here fucked around with this message at 03:26 on May 25, 2016

take the moon
Feb 12, 2011

by sebmojo


POST

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010


hey girl hmu

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010


hey girl u there?

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010


so rude u wont even reply whatever bitch ur probably a fuckin lesbian trash whore smh

Quidthulhu
Dec 17, 2003

Stand down, men! It's only smooching!



what in the world happened here

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




Quidnose posted:

what in the world happened here

love

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010


Y'all got 24 hours to sign up for the Megabrawl before this multi-month poo poo kicks off in earnest, is what's happening.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006


In.

Armack
Jan 27, 2006


Free Crits, Week 198 – Buddy Week. Part II, stories 9-15.

9. sparksbloom – Hold the Bees

Summary

Two prospective mothers seek an audience with The Stork, so that he can bring them babies in accordance with prior agreement.

Crit

-I’d recommend tighter pacing. The plot is kind of meandering.

-So after the prospective mothers’ multiple attempts to meet The Stork were thwarted by the bouncers, the they get so lucky as to chance upon an audience with him right when it counts (i.e., after they’ve developed their plan). It’s kind of a lame coincidence.

-The ending feels like you pretty much threw up your hands and quit.

-All in all this seems like a low-effort story. Had I been judging, I would’ve voted DM.

10. Thranguy – Comrade Rusty and the God

Summary

A spy-turned-kid partners with a two-faced Amazonian god in order to help find the latter’s dick.

Crit

-The modern, bro-like voice you give your Amazonian god hampers your readers’ suspension of disbelief. I get that you tried to be funny with this, but the humor falls flat.

-“King David's tuning fork, the last firebird egg, the map of the inhabited worlds of the Milky Way, all safe in Vault Three miles below Moscow, all thanks to me.” Ehh, this spy is pretty loose with information here.

-“And besides, using one of these would give 'em splinters.” It’s odd that the spy concludes that Sinner’s stick is actually his penis based on this line and very little other information about it.

-The biggest problem is that very little actually develops in the story. Nothing really gets resolved either. After a bunch of joking banter, the spy is still a kid and he’s still being sought by foreign intelligence. Likewise, the god is still looking for his dick and is still traveling with the spy to find it. There really isn’t any development in the story other than the spy finds out stick = dick. Humor is tough to write, so it was a valiant effort, but I’m sorry to say that none of it in this story really packs a comedic punch.

11. Mistaya & Echo Cian – Rattus Nobiles

Summary

A vampire and a “Supernatural” style hunter test the limits of their friendship while thwarting evil cultists.

Crit

This story had more of a buddy cop feel than most of the others. I’m surprised Trex wasn’t thrilled with it; it seems to fit the prompt. The banter was appropriate, the setting worked well, the action was great, the buddies developed as buddies in the sense that their partnership survived their almost killing each other. The characterization was minimal yet distinct. The protagonists work in a kind of Winchester Brothers way, even though they aren’t related to each other. I could imagine someone critting you for relying on too many “buddy story” tropes, but IMO if you hadn’t, the story would’ve lost its endearing feel. Another plus is that your ending was satisfying, and unlike many entries this week, didn’t negate the developments of your story. Good job. I look forward to the judges’ crits of this story, because maybe they noticed problems that I didn’t. But if I were voting, I would’ve pushed for an HM/win.

12. fuschia tude – French Leave

Summary

A WWII era man and woman flee their town in order to meet with a professor and retrieve important documents.

Crit

-My biggest complaint is with the ending. So after a dangerous journey, the document retrieval was all for naught. It doesn’t make for a very satisfying ending; was my decision to read your story equally null?

-On the positive side, bits of your setting descriptions were good. I like the image of the farm house with the broken furniture and sink full of dishes.

-I wonder if you were shooting for Rosario to show character growth insofar as she might have learned something from her optimism not bearing out? If so, it’s too subtle. I don’t detect much plot or character development in your story. It’s two people sneaking from one setting to another, and ultimately all for nothing. Still, in a rough week of stories yours was in the middle of the pack.


13. Carl Killer Miller – The Last Case of Detective Ford and Tumor McCoy

Summary

Some dumb offensive poo poo happens that I don’t even care to repeat. Then it turns out to be a demented delusion anyway (which is almost just as bad).

Crit

-There’s a problematic tone shift at the beginning. A demented, armed, octogenarian on the loose is serious business. Immediately afterward you take something else normally serious, a tumor, and make it cute on some kindergarten poo poo. It’s got spunky nickname, “Tumey,” and a squeaky voice to match.

-“Officer McCoy.” At this point in the story, either the police force put Ford on the beat despite his malignant lung and brain tumors, and the tumor is the deputy, OR (more likely) Ford himself is the demented fellow. I see that you were trying to make the story funny, but it just fell way flat. Offensively so. What kind of humor is this?

-Yep, there’s the predictable ending which makes the story make more sense, but nevertheless doesn’t help the story to become much better. Seriously, what were your readers supposed to like about this story? Its grating glib style? The mere fact that it had a twist ending, albeit one that could be seen a mile away? Had I been judging, I would’ve voted Loss.

14. dmboogie – Teach’s Spirit

Summary

Kid running for student government convinces his ghost teacher friend to quit being so goddamn cynical; the ghost teacher friend crosses over.

Crit

-This story had good prose and a touching ending.

-The ghost’s personal growth was refreshing compared to the lack of anything comparable in a majority of the stories this week.

-Not much else to say about it. Good effort. Had I been judging I would’ve voted HM.

15. Entenzahn - Aftershow

Summary

Strongman and clown burst into a gentleman’s club to get intel on who killed their ringmaster.

Crit

This story is well written and it shows off your usual humor nicely. I particularly like the Bodo shameless plugs. Even the punnery worked well enough “…they drew their guns, and then mine were faster,” and was in keeping with the strongman’s personality. I feel like across many of your stories, you write characters that give no fucks; maybe that’s part of how you make them interesting? It made for an enjoyable read.

Fuschia tude
Dec 26, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019



Jitzu_the_Monk posted:

Free Crits, Week 198 – Buddy Week. Part II, stories 9-15.


Thanku_the_Crit

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003

by Nyc_Tattoo


I'll do this brawl thing if we can get someone who isn't a lefty communist pinko to run it. Muffin will just give it to whoever is the most homeless, like he would with our taxpayer dollars.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







and if you don't meet his dumb entry standards just tell him to go gently caress himself and enter anyway he will respect and even love you for it he is weak like all his kind

Morning Bell
Feb 23, 2006



Illegal Hen

I heard there was a bunch of tykes bawlin so I open this thread and goddamn it's all of you drongos pissing into the loving wind thinking you can brawl

In for the megabrawl fuckers

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Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

I'm bokeh, you're bokeh


Crit for Carl Killer Miller’s story for Week 198:

Before the twist:
Interesting premise, but it’s cheating—they’re basically the same person. And even if they weren’t, the tumor just acts like the young upstart in a buddy cop movie, a.k.a. cliche as gently caress with insufferable dialogue. It would have been at least a smidge more interesting if they had personalities that actually clashed a bit.

After the twist:
Ooof. So you spoil it ahead of time by revealing that the Deputy is a tumor, and more egregiously, by revealing that the tumor’s manipulating everything he sees. That reveal is all you have at this point and you blow it before we see him from Luis’s point of view. I felt a bit scared for Luis’s sake, but ultimately, what’s the point? it’s from the perspective of someone who doesn’t matter and who’s too far gone to be relatable or to garner the reader’s sympathy when he dies. I would have just made Luis and Ford be the buddies in the the story instead of smashing them together. Then you have an actual conflict and an interesting dichotomy. And the ending is about as anti-climactic as it could possibly be. Ruiz provides nothing else to the story other than not getting shot, and Ford just crumples without fanfare.

Sentence-level writing is decent, anyways.

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