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a new study bible!
Feb 1, 2009



BIG DICK NICK
A Philadelphia Legend
Fly Eagles Fly



sparksbloom posted:

In.

A MUSIC TEACHER wants to REGAIN THEIR HEARING.

Sounds good.

A TIME TRAVELER wants THE WORLD'S BEST "DEATH ROW DINNER"

a new study bible! fucked around with this message at 22:04 on Aug 2, 2016

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Carl Killer Miller
Apr 28, 2007

This is the way that it all falls.
This is how I feel,
This is what I need:




In.

A LIAR wants to LOSE WEIGHT

Thx for the invite Cannibal girls.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

OK, so here's my crits for week 208. I asked Muffin to let me jump in and help judge so I could start thinking more critically about how and why things work. This was a fun week to read. As I feel most qualified to just comment on how stories play in the macro sense, most of my criticisms are centered on large-scale/gut impressions.

Carl Killer Miller - Baby, we're Not Defined by Old Times:

Not bad. The character motivations are established quickly, and their actions make sense. My big gripe is in the proofreading. There's some misspellings, missing words, a comma splice here and there, basic stuff. Overall, though, this story worked for me. I was able to read it quickly and I wanted to know what happened next. I'm not sure how much the conversation between the director and your protag helped you. I get that it helps establish a little bit of who this guy is, but this "Harold played a pleated-khaki buffoon who climbed a ladder to reach a spice jar in his kitchen after forgetting to wear adult undergarments. Once, Harold Pennington had shown a thousand people what Shakespeare meant in Pericles." Did a better job of it. The director being a cool, level-headed guy made the ultimate decision feel less important.



My vote - Mid

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a friendly penguin - Conservationist

I didn't follow much of this. It's pretty in parts, namely the way your protag interacts with the environment. On that alone, I didn't mind reading this.

I'm struggling, though, with the conflict. The actions of the characters don't feel important. It seems like something went wrong for Iris, but I'm not sure how it happened or if it's supposed to be earned or tragic.

Errant bother: The man’s eyes became further set and he walked closer to Iris, opening and closing his fists with every step.

I've never seen anyone do this and it made laugh imagining it in my head. Almost feels like a 1930's musical cartoon or something.

My vote - Middle

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Some Strange Flea

Right off the bat, I like the first sentence. Clever way to generate excitement and establish a breakneck pace. I hope this keeps up.

And then it doesn't. Bummer.

This one took me for a loop. It starts off like Mad Max and then it gets reflective and introspective. I know you're going for something with your hard cut but I can hardly tell what it is. What I know is that you 100% have a clear image in your mind of what's going on here, and I'm guessing the picture you've imagined is good, but it's just not terribly clear what's going in beyond the barrier.

Favorite bit: I like the way you handle action and movement.

My vote - Middle
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steel toed sneaker's - Inertia

I like the way you describe the building. Starting with it shaking and then getting into the nitty gritty of the architecture is smart. You're giving a reason to give a poo poo.

And then, almost immediately, your story gets into trouble. The point of view starts to switch, and you go from a sweeping description of a building to a dude's stream of conscious and then back to an outside perspective of his motion and it's just a mess.

More to the point, I just don't care about either of these guys. The building is falling and it just doesn't matter to me at all.


Errant Observation - “H..hey, what do you mean by ‘we’? None of your characters said "we" what are you talking about?

This needed a proofread. It's unclear and messy.

My vote - Bottom, Possibly DM/Loss
-----

CANNIBAL GIRLS - Disassembly

Alrighty, I live in Baltimore. I'm already excited for this one. Let's go.

I love your opening paragraph. Probably my favorite opener so far. I also really am digging that you just went for it and took the prompt literally.

The problem though is that I got way more interested in what's going on with this factory and how it all works and what you ended up with was a story about two interchangeable characters that I don't have any reason to care about going and doing a thing that I don't care about. There's too much left to interpretation here with regards to the rules of this magical factory. It's a testament to how you set everything up that I want to know more (how are the vials used, who is giving these orders etc.) but it's a let down that not much of it is delivered.

My vote - Mid/Bottom
------

Screaming Idiot - Temptation

This was funny. It got several actual chuckles out of me and one really good laugh. That's a hard thing to do. The story obviously is somewhat minimal, but I'm always partial to mixed motivations. You did a good job. I wanted to keep reading. I liked your characterization of the devil, almost felt like the robot devil from Futurama, or the devil from Rick and Morty.

Since there isn't much in the way of a plot to pick apart, the one thing I will say was that the big punchline didn't land for me. Also, the guy's response to the punchline felt a little awkward and cartoonish but I guess that may be keeping in tone with the story.

I liked this.

My Vote - Near Top

----

The Cut of Your Jib - The Lighthouse

Pretty. I get the sense that you had a perfect image in your mind, the two meeting at the rope and went from there. If so, you totally nailed it. The picture was perfect, and that alone made the story worthwhile for me. You lost me a little on how this ties to candy. That may be because it was unclear or because I am dim. I'm not totally sure what the motivation of the characters was all about but you painted a complex picture supremely well, and that was enough for me to enjoy what I read.

My Vote - Mid-Top
-----

Kaishai - Words of Wood and Blood

Good poo poo, this. Rough to read to at the end, but that was no doubt your intention. I'm struggling to find much to gripe with here. I guess the king's motivation is weak? Dude is just a poo poo head, I guess? Also, all we get with regards to how Ansiel feels about the trees is a quick mention of his love for their voice. His connection to the trees could maaayybee have been a little stronger? Also also, I didn't get the impression that the tree was "scared" as was the prompt's charge. Nit Picks. I liked this a lot.

My vote - Top hm for sure/possible win

-----

Jonked - Happyville

Hm. I don't know? I feel like you hardly need the opening vignette for this. There's very little mystery about this happyville place, it's obvious something is going on, and then your protagonist ends up not caring and I'm wondering why I should care either. It was quite a ways to go for a punchline that wobbled a bit on its landing. The motivation of this company is just not doing much more for me. It seems like a bunch of people are blackmailed in this way and to what end? If your protagonist is a clear, level-headed guy and he thinks the whole thing sounds stupid, what do you think our level-headed readers will think?

My Vote - Bottom

------

PALE SPECTRES - Wolf Spider

This needed some cleaning up. Missing words and such. The piece is dizzying and tough to get through; it had nice little pretty moments in it but by the end of it the night section I'm just tired and bored and ready to move on. For what it's worth I love the way it starts, and I love the way it finishes, the last vignette is probably the best part of this. Overall, though, it was hard for me to care about pretty much everything in the middle.

My Vote - Somewhere in the middle

------

flerp - A Flower is a Flower No Matter How Many Petals You Rip Off

Style over substance. This didn't do much for me. Somehow the tone of this felt too casual while it seemed like it was supposed to be flowery and nice. I'm not sure if I have much else to say here. I read it twice and it just didn't grab me.

My vote - mid bottom

------

Ceighk - Crunch Time

Dude, did you even read what you wrote? This thing is such a hot mess. The sentences go on forever, I scarcely know who you're talking about, words are misspelled or missing. You make up new apps and keep the names of some old conventions entirely losing me in the process. It was also awful reading the word Lavio over and over again. I'm sure this was for effect but for that to work the rest of your story can't be a chore to get through. I don't know what is going in this story and I'm not interested in finding out. You lost me pretty quickly here.

My vote - Bottom possible loss/definitely a dm

------

Sitting Here - And so the Orchid

This stood out a lot from the other entries this week. You told a story from a unique perspective without any named characters, and it made sense and was pretty. The short length meant the anaphora didn't get stale and kept it springy throughout. The fact that narration is so objective but the story holds up as evocative is a neat little trick as well.

My vote - Near top/HM

------

Quo Pro Quid - I'm Not Here To Make Friends

Well that was goofy as gently caress. I don't know what I just read but I enjoyed it. The satirical elements of this are fun enough, but you don't give us enough to make it clear as to what's happening here. I'm also not sure how well this addressed the prompt. I wanted to hate the bachelor more and I wanted to care more about the girls. That's probably where you lost my buy in; there wasn't enough tension for me to care. But, it was fun to read.

------

Sebmojo - Self Possessed


I'm a sucker for the dynamic of quiet bar stories. I got into this early. It opened powerfully.

I also cared about the hands not being his own bit which piqued my interest nicely.

That carried me through the action, which I wasn't particularly into, but I cared enough about the outcome that I stayed with you. I dug it.

My vote - mid-top
------

Tunapirates - Linda Who is Bad at Puns

This story did not do anything for me one way or the other. I think it was trying to be funny, but the shock factor ends pretty quickly. Ultimately, I just found this underwhelming, I understood what happened, and it was nice and clear. That's about it, though. The failures of the story weren't so much in the technical writing bits, but in a soggy and weak idea.

My vote - middle

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


crits for week 207 (after-judge-post thoughts in parentheses at the end of your crit).

terre packet: Welcome to the dome. Your moving offices makes me think of portal 2. You have 22 words with “ly” in this story. I didn’t stop to see if they were ALL adverbs, but it feels like it. “Paper from the collision was still flying” go with “papers were,” as paper as a plural verb is a little jarring here. “A tall, strong-looking woman.” this is real lazy. Your blocking in this office is a little confusing, and to be frank, a little unnecessary. I don’t really care about people walking around an office, no matter how shaken up it is. Ok, no idea what is happening with this boss thing. At first this story seemed like a weird dystopian future. Now it’s magical? Wait, the paper fell out? Wtf was he carrying it in? One of those 50cent folders with pictures of neon cities on it that i totally don’t buy at staples every time i make copies? Why are you putting verbs in italics?

OK this story is real weird, and not in a good way. You have some jizzing spider man and an incompetent courier that doesn’t really amount to poo poo cause his ONE JOB he fails at. Why is this story? DM worthy. I don’t like giving newbies a loss, but this is definitely the story to beat in the race for loser. (new judge guy made the point that he’s new so he doesn’t know anybody, so he had no problem in giving a newbie a loss since everything’s the same to him. He hated your story a lot, so them’s the breaks).
-------
sparksy: sweet, engaging, but wholly unsatisfying. Not even using half the word count, so i’m guessing you poo poo this out when you realized the deadline was looming? I hate MOMA and i like working with kids, so it was a little hard for me to relate to this piece. Still, that’s not a prereq for me to like fiction, but there isn’t a lot else to latch onto here. I don’t really understand what you were going for here. Mid. (i argued this one out of a DM/loss btw, but if he had really pushed it, i probably would have let it happen, because this is one of the crappier things you’ve written that i’ve read.)
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dmboogie: caffeine is a stimulant so it seems a little weird to draw the distinction between “uppers” and coffee. It’s not as rigid a term like “weed,” or “crack,” at least to me as a neuro person. Maybe it’s more specific ON DA STREETS. Get a little more detail in there with like, “amphetamines” or something imo. Having a little bit of a hard time suspending my disbelief that a trucker doesn’t know where she is. Wouldn’t she know the road pretty well? Or at least have some maps? “A new monolith?” yeah i don’t really get what’s happening. She’s already dead or something? The transitions are too rough for me to know what is happening in reality. Obviously SOMETHING isn’t normal, but i’m not quite sure what it is. (I didn’t like this nearly as much as the other judges and didn’t vote for it to HM, but I didn’t really argue against it either.)
-------------
Screaming idiot: i read all of this in one go. I thought about saying something about his “surmise” but i was like “gently caress it” and went back to reading. I like the idea of this story a lot more than I like the execution. It borders on a lovely interview with one dude just asking questions. I liked the setup for the murder at the end (i predicted the end, but that doesn’t make it terrible). You could do to be a bit more subtle about it. Just one hint instead of several. Give the vampire slightly more talking time to lament. Make his speeches a little less cliche. Make me feel the pain rather than just telling me about it. This is decentish. High, possible HM. (this too I argued out of a DM, but the other judges’ dislike of it wasn’t unwarranted. A lot of the dialogue was pretty crap. I guess there are other stories out there that are a similar plot to this that I haven’t read but Jibs has).
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Ckm: this interrogation is really boring. Just like, normal police procedural. What makes it YOURS? Why are you telling me this story? What are you trying to say? What thing do you want to make me experience that i’ve never experienced before from a police interrogation? Oh that’s right, the looping. I forgot about it cause the other poo poo was so boring. Now you put in a ton of world building right in the middle. Haha. DON’T. Lol i hate this story. (I wanted this one to lose. I think it’s worse than the new guy’s and you really should be improving beyond this level at this point).
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Thranguy: read it all the way through. I like this, and your writing is getting much better imo. It’s an easy read, a good set up, and a classic ending. Mitch is the weakest character here, as his switch from bully to murderer to backstabber all comes very suddenly. High HM (for some reason at least one other judge HATED this story and I argued it out of a DM. while some of the characters are a little stock, and the ending is a little weak, I didn’t think it even close to a loss with the other poo poo that was thrown at my face this week).
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Muffin: most engaging opening so far. This is ok. Just ok. It is a little too casual, a little too unengaged. What happens for her breaking the rules? Dying? How is she a ghost? Anyway, i like this for what it is, i guess, but i would need a lot more to feel like it accomplished anything. The ending is also a little weird. (while i didn’t like this story as much as the other 2 judges, I didn’t fight at all against its win. Some of the problem I have with judging people I know well is that I’ve read some amazing stuff by you that has blown me away, so your bar is set higher in my eyes. With a little more polish on this thing i think i would like it better)
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Chili: “ and started up the Beach Boy's Pet Sounds.” pandering to the wrong judges. Why does a Ph.D. candidate have multi year contracts? Also she’s working for company? Anyway… this is ok. I like the idea ok, but it centers around a boring conversation with a boss. Replace that with something else. Maybe a memory or something. I dunno, but yeah. Mid. (don’t have much to add to this one other than keep doing better. At least this wasn’t even close to a DM).

ZeBourgeoisie
Aug 8, 2013

THUNDERDOME
LOSER


CANNIBAL GIRLS posted:

Sounds good.

A TIME TRAVELER wants THE WORLD'S BEST "DEATH ROW DINNER"

I'm in and taking this.

A GIANT SPIDER wants to MEET THEIR FAVORITE BOYBAND

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


some week 172 (thunderdome startup) crits

Anon judged this week, so my feelings were forged when I didn’t know who wrote what. Overall I consider this a very weak week. The prompt was challenging, in that you need to come up with most of the inspiration for a story yourself. Many of you failed hard core. It was honestly hard to choose a winner out of the chaff, and the person who won did so because they had a complete story with characters with motivations and conflicts. You know, the basics of a story.

ZeBourgeoisie - I Can’t Believe It’s Mort!

Your opening line is a little boring, but better than most. It doesn’t really instill a sense of wonder or make me want to keep reading, but at least it sets something up. It’s all downhill from there. This story reads like one giant joke. A “Ha-ha! Look at how little I care!” So either you just wasted our time, or you have a severe lack of understanding what people want to read. At the end of the day, what did you want me to get out of this? If it was entertainment, you failed.

First off, it’s not funny. You use a bunch of dumb cliches, starting in your title. The Djinn is a trope, and you didn’t even really use it correctly. But most of all, why butter? What makes the girl licking butter and Mort turning into butter funny? You can’t rely on the inherent funny properties of an object to carry your story. You gotta add stuff like irony and justice and metaphors and all sorts of things. This is just monkey cheese crap. So next time either write a story with some meaning/feelings behind it, or at least make it an original fun adventure that makes sense. I had no qualms giving this the loss.

Ironic Twist & Tyrannosaurus - Extra Time

Your opening line is lacking. I think you wanted to go for emotional weight, but the thing is the dad died a while ago and your protag is just coming to finish up some paperwork or something. With something like that, you have to immediately launch into some emotional turbulence. You could get rid of that first line, and it does pretty much nothing to change the story, because I work out that he’s dead shortly after.

The main problem for me with this story is the conflict. First of all, it takes forever to establish any sort of conflict. It’s just the well-worn topic of somebody coming back home for the first time in a while, and for a death in the family. Seen it tons of times before. Then he has a spat with the bartender… which just kind of ends because he tells him to piss off. Then you drop the bomb of “oh also my dad is a ghost.” cool, I guess, now we’re getting somewhere, but where? what’s the significance of the dad being a ghost? what does that entail for the protag? does he have to free his dad or what? usually this is the part of the story where we’d see the main motivation/conflict emerge, but it’s just sort of missing. You spend too much time on your british banter so that it becomes the whole essence of the story, rather than a vehicle. Finally we get to “you need help moving on.” but he never asks how...then the dad disappears. so he calls random numbers up and… meets a random person? were you trying to say they were brothers? I have no idea… and then the dad comes back for one last “oh yeah, cheer a lot!” and it’s done.

Did the dad move on? Did meeting up with this random dude have something to do with it? I don’t know… the ending leaves it ambiguous. Anyway, i didn’t have a problem with the dialogue, but maybe cause i watch a lot of british TV? anyway, this wasn’t painful to read, just a bit unclear as to what was happening, and what this dude was supposed to be doing. Also i don’t get the title. Who got extra time?

Ventadour - Death Before Bad Reviews

Opening line is a bit meh, but at least it establishes some characters. But it also sets up a terrible pattern that lasts until the very end: Aniela is totally passive. Everything of consequence in this story happens TO her, not BECAUSE of her. All she does is sort of move through the story letting things happen. The main conflict is “should I step on this old witch’s turf?” which she does, and then she thinks about confronting the old lady, only to…. not. Instead, the old lady finds her. And instead of there being some sort of tension leading to climax and resolution, she’s just like “nah, it’s cool.” I don’t even get what the old witch got out of the deal. She just showed up and was like “yeah you can do this i guess.” and the protag just is boring and says “thanks”. This amazingly terrible ending is why you got the dishonorable mention. Look at this wording choice: “As luck would have it” aka BORING AND FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN IT WORKS WELL. Almost all of the situations are contrived and feel forced. Also, there is a long section in the middle that talks about interior design based off yelp reviews, and it made me want to murder somebody.

newtestleper - User Reviews - Ghostview Plus

You’re not the first person to write a story as a series of reviews, and I doubt you’ll be the last. In a better week this probably would have gone unnoticed, but this week you get an HM because two judges enjoyed reading this.

My main gripe about this is all the characters/reviews are so separated. While there is a progression from ok to terrible reviews, they don’t really tell a story. You could have snuck a story in there with a little more planning. Anyway, it was fun. I liked the hacker the best.

Jitzu the Monk - Galen, Free Version

Your first line is bad because it is confusing and boring. I had no idea wtf “yellow” was, and no idea who the listless teenager was. so all this screaming is pointless. Plus starting a story with context-less screaming/action is usually a terrible way to go.

I disliked this story from the get go. I got that they were humors pretty early on, and wasn’t impressed. What really annoyed me is the motivation for this story. Why did they have to download the app? Why couldn’t the brother who created it just run the program himself? The whole “we need to find wifi!” was such a boring conflict. The motivation for Black is he wanted to test theories…. and then his theories were right? Jesus, this is a mess of a story.

Then you go and drag me into it. You’d have to have a very, very good story to justify naming a real life person like that. And especially because what is anybody else supposed to get out of seeing somebody else named? It’s like you wrote that part specifically for one person, which I just can’t fathom. Maybe I should be flattered, but mostly I am just extremely annoyed. I’m guilty of writing a story that mentions judges (which i still find funny), but at least I didn’t say “oh hey sitting here, what’s up?”

Anyway, the story just ends with like, a snot rocket or something. What was the point of all this? I don’t think you even know. I certainly don’t.

Lazy Beggar - Self Reflection

Self-reflection usually has a hyphen. I don’t know if that was on purpose or an error. I’m guessing error, since this story is filled with them. Proof read your poo poo, man. Your first sentence is ok, trending toward bad. i don’t really know what “i was mystified” means. Then you don’t even really explain it. Mystified at what, exactly?

phrases like “guilt had weight my happiness down” are loving lol. And all telling. If you want to have some melodramatic horse poo poo like this, at least do me the courtesy of showing me a guilty man unable to be happy. That’s a pretty big sin of this story: you told me an awful lot about things rather than showing me. The best way to show this stuff is with their interactions with other chars.

Anyway, I did like the premise of this story, and thought that it was one of the better apps of the week. At least one cojudge didn’t realize that the app was an AI of sorts, filled with all the past experiences. They just thought it was an omniscient app like we had a few of this week. You flat out tell us what it is, but that stuff just doesn’t really stick with the reader when it’s just a bunch of expository vomit thrown on the page. If you’d actually shown him working on this thing or something, or maybe having it not work correctly at first, who knows. There’s lots of ways to make it more interesting than just plainly stating THIS IS MY PAST ME!!!!

The whole conflict of this story is lacking. He is an rear end in a top hat and wants to be nicer to his wife…. so he makes an app and is nicer to his wife…. ok cool. Then she finds out and confronts him. Then there’s not really a story I guess, just some demands. In the end he leaves because he wants to be happy, only that’s a really stupid ending. In the end, what does he learn? nothing really, only that he’s failed again. So his character hasn’t changed at all. He created an app that got him to the same spot, which was the same as the opening line but with one more failed marriage. For why? cause he was a jerk…. ok. great thanks. If you’re going to show a person on a futile adventure, at least make us care about them and have something meaningful come out of the failure.

Noah - Just Checking In

First sentence is utilitarian, but ok. I liked your app, and your first few paras made me interested.

Then you have a bunch of boring boilerplate poo poo about ads and clickthrus, which while maybe accurate for a startup, are boring as poo poo. it’s like “here’s a reason to make him alone! he sure is a workaholic!”

The conflict is that he starts getting strange messages, and wants to find out where they come from and stop them.

Enter an antagonist, (maybe?) Mike.

Jim immediately suspects him and then there are some more weird messages and some musings. I’m not really sure what reality is. Is it a grandma ghost, or is it really mike loving with his head? How does mike know about his grandma? You could have axed out all the dumb ad poo poo and put in a little backstory about the relationship with his real grandma, and maybe if he did something mean/bad to her, and how mike might know.

Then there’s the further slide into sanity? or further stalking by grandma ghost? I’m not really sure. It ends with Mike either being a cool guy and supporting his friend, or a jerk who hosed with his mind. I’m not sure, and you didn’t make your clues clear enough for me or any of the other judges to find them, if they were there at all. That gets your story a big “Meh.”

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


week 145 crits (you gonna finish that? / two parters)

1. Gifted and Talented
What does expensive spilling sound like? “we’d got dumber” grammar. “high pressure showerhead” hyphenate. “Locked in with the brown plastic bottles of pills” not really relevant that they’re brown or plastic, and makes the sentence clumsy. “work blouse exposing an” comma. “wiry little hands” odd description for a baby, who usually have fat, pudgy hands. “with the force of her momentum” too technical. “despite the malevolence” axe this line and just SHOW me, which you try in the following paragraph, but you focus more on her malevolence than her cuteness. it sounds more maniacal than cute. “spun it round” round is short for “around” so needs an apostrophe. “ I set to work taking apart the handle,” you can usually only do this from the inside. Also, that’d make a hell of a lot of noise… “rimu veneer” your descriptions are a little too purple, and ultimately pointless. It doesn’t really matter what her head slid down, since the main point of that sentence is her head sliding. punch THAT up, not the surface of the door. “a sad, hollow noise came from her skull when it bounced on the tile-patterned lino of the bathroom floor. She didn’t wake.” she ded? did her husband just let her head smash the ground? what a fuckin’ jerk. “Windows have handles too” uh, not my windows. I think i’m probably nearing the end of the first section here, and I’m not 100% clear what the conflict is. They have a terror baby, but what do they WANT? for her to go to sleep? I think that’s what it is, because of the talk about the sleep consultant, but in all honesty that seems like a bandaid for the problem of them having this crazy kid. one night of sleep won’t really change anything about their situation here. they more feel like they’re out of control and desperate than really having a goal they want to accomplish. Like, I feel like you’ve firmly established the “why can’t they have it” part, but i’m not sure what it is they want in the first place. “No window in the bathroom now” don’t use now in a past tense story. “ next support payment from Sarah's irresponsible client.” huh? this seems like a weird left turn. “in the only room of the house where girls needed to lose their panties, without getting a stack of Benji's for the trouble.” what the gently caress? this is… a whore house now? with super powers? So here’s the thing. You have a baby hovering in the air, and you’re going on about windows and ladies needing to pee. don’t bury the lede. And then the conclusion is to just… hold him? I don’t feel like things got resolved in a meaningful way, but at least there was a semblance of a conclusion.

Opening: A little purple, a little unspecific, a few grammar errors. Didn’t set up the conflict too well.

Ending: Weird, seemed forced and unnecessary, climax was that the guy just picked up the baby and held it.

How the two work together: not well. The opening definitely felt like a mom and dad tired and frustrated, and the second part shoehorned in that it was some alien baby in a whorehouse for superheros. I didn’t much like this story, but thought the first half was better than the second, despite its problems.

Light and fun: first part is kind of stressful, nothing about being a new parent is light and fun, but at least it’s not too serious. The second part is a lot more fun, but at the expense of not fitting with the beginning.

2. Bobbins
The ghost goes to sleep? why doesn’t the ghost haunt when the husband is home? “in which he would display” wtf is this. “make double his daily wage.” doing what? I have no idea what her job is. you should establish this before talking about it. I like the idea of a ghost that fucks with people by doing nice things for them. “But he snuggles with me and everything is all right, until the morning comes” it’s a little weird to have a passage of 8 hours in a single, present-tense sentence. “I stare at the ripples of my tea” they’re in jurassic park? “He shoves toast in my mouth.” this is kind of weird. “echoes flatly off the kitchen’s tiled splashback” the splash back is a very small surface area of the kitchen… and how do you know that’s where it’s echoing from? details like this are kinda weird and pointless. “awful ominous” should have a comma “back of my next” typo. “and a flooding, sentimental value I tell myself “ don’t really understand what this sentence is saying. she’s managed to hold onto it through a flooding sentimental value she tells herself? you need more punctuation here, or more likely to split it up into two separate sentences. “poinillistically” typo? I’m confused as to whether the spider drawing is actually a spider, or actually a drawing that is being animated through supernatural means? also the spiderghost could do things like wash dishes, but needs her hands to write/draw?

Opening: filled with pointless details, but sets up a simple conflict: there is a ghost and she wants there not to be (i’m assuming). also a mini conflict of the husband not really caring that much.

Ending: there is a spider ghost drawing thing that lives in an old desk and thinks the woman is tidy, even though it always has to clean up after her, and it hates the husband, so she gets rid of the desk, and ostensibly, the ghost.

How they work together: Pretty decently, actually. There’s a pretty good flow, and the tone of the two is similar.

light and fun: the whole idea of a ghost that is nice and does nice things, and it’s most evil thought is to wrap the husband in wrapping paper is nice and new. I liked reading it.

3. Leaving it all Behind
“There was an uncertainty in the wind that blew in over the prairies.” this doesn’t actually tell me month, because it reads like uncertainty is blowing in from somewhere else, and you don’t tell me where it’s from. all i know is there is a prairie, and somewhere else, uncertainty. “Jack laughed, despite himself.” this is a cliche. it’s literally the example in the dictionary. (http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/british/despite) “he had given her” who? give more than a pronoun the first time you mention somebody, unless it’s in dialogue, but then explain immediately. “ taken away her mother.” whose mother? the daughter’s or the unspecified “her?” “ mother. She did that herself “ this is saying the mother took herself away. is that what you meant to say? This is the problem with only referring to a character by a gender pronoun, it gets really confusing really quickly. I don’t know if there are two generations or three, and which mother left. The “her’s” mother, or the daugther’s mother. “here now and” needs a comma. “belongings rode” comma. “and it rode in, rolled in / pyroclast or hurricane's wall.” two methods of locomotion seem unnecessary, as do two examples. just pick one. “ rising six stories high or more” seems arbitrary… it’s either 60 feet… or more! so like, 65? or 10000? who knows. If jack had never been to a city, he probably wouldn’t use “stories” as a measurement system, and then sit around and think about how inaccurate it was since he’d never been to the city. “ It was an era of selfishness, of inherited debts but lacking legacy.” what’s this got to do with anything? sounds like you’re pontificating rather than characterizing. “He turned to check. No, still there.” show, don’t tell. I have no idea how old this daughter is or wtf she’s doing. when you said he wondered if she’d gone, i thought “oh, so she’s like 18 then” but now it sounds like she’s just sitting there? is she a baby? a toddler? help! “till you owned it” wrong ‘til. “meaning several thousand investors owned an inch square” I don’t think that’s how bank ownership works. “No... find himself a- or was that it, find himself?” I’m assuming you forgot the “lighthearted fun” part, but regardless, this is pure telling. Show me a man trying to find out his worth through the actions he does and the things he says. A man sitting watching a dust storm and wondering why he sucks is a real boring story. “he'd literally thrown caution to the approaching Easterly wind.” he didn’t literally throw anything. This would only be literal if he picked up a big “caution” sign, and chucked that into the storm. oh. story switched from first person to third person. Assuming that’s where the break was. “Jack spotted a broken axle on one of the wagons and fixed it.” wait, dude is just walking through town and fixes a random wagon while he daughter is standing there? how the gently caress do you just “fix” a broken axle? did he just like, pull on some suspenders, grab an axe, and lumberjack the gently caress out of a tree? was there a spare axle sitting around? “ Her tears fell into it and he tasted the salt of them” ew dude. “Suddenly, the management stopped coming by” how do you suddenly stop doing something over a long amount of time? Like, i’m sure there were hours when nobody said anything to him, but then “suddenly” they just didn’t come for a longer amount of time? “felt his stomach lurch with fear and the last gasps of his illness.” that’s weird. “balanced perfectly” her foot is balanced? like a car’s tires? the ending is sappy cliche.

the beginning: a “woe is me” story about a man losing his farm and not having a wife. Nothing particularly original about it. Overwrought descriptions that added nothing other than to describe “scenes i saw in a movie about the dustbowl.” conflict was a man needed to find himself.

ending: dad gets sick and prays for his daughter. he gets better watching her do a circus act. this is better written, but totally ignores the conflict of the first part, and just uses it as backstory for its own.

how they work together: they don’t really. The second feels like its own story with its own conflict. How did the man find himself? he didn’t. he just got sick instead. Seriously, the second part could stand on its own, and the beginning only serves as “flavor” that I also got from a few lines about the bank and watching the land go bye bye. This wasn’t what I meant by finish the other person’s beginning.

light and fun: noooooooooope.

4. The Fire and the Slave
“that Clavius had heart” ooo, typo right off the bat. never a good sign. “in the past few days” doesn’t work in a past tense story. “took a look another look“ typo another typo. “wide, watery bovine” should be another comma. “were possessed with better fragrance” just ‘possessed’ would work better here. Being possessed is something entirely different. “was full living proof Vicengo.” what? “Clavius' mind raced the streets” huh? a mind racing the streets isn’t a term i’m familiar with, and doesn’t make much sense to me. “an fearsome” neat. “left to him by an uncle and a nuisance” you need a comma here, or it sounds like his uncle and a nuisance both got together to leave him this dude. “Severus who was popular with the girls and actually good at writing…” stop ending poo poo with ellipses. “both his mates and himself both.” this is lovely wording, and mates doesn’t sound Roman at all. “the whole had” typo. “Somehow, Clavius knew no blow would ever break it.” how convenient to “somehow” know that. It reads like “and then the author couldn’t think of a reason, but wanted to make it sound impressive.”

opening: a man with a stinky slave wants to join the army but can’t until he gets a shield. instead, all he has is a stinky slave.

ending: the man decides he can’t sell the stink slave, and a god grants him a super cool shield. Overall a little underwhelming. The first half didn’t really include anything about Clavius’s loyalty or anything, so it felt a bit shoehorned in. also, why didn’t the slave ever get a loving bath.

how they work together: decently. They are both filled with typos and odd phrasing, and i couldn’t spot the switch in the middle. They tell one complete story, and the second half didn’t add any weird poo poo. this is the best pair i’ve seen so far, unfortunately the story was rather bland, and the writing really needs to be proofed.

light and fun: not really. it’s about slavery and holding on to the past and war and how bad somebody smells. not really a fun jaunt.

5. Mercury Rising
“just sit on rear end” has somebody been watching Spartacus? This all seems a little too technical. also why were they storing their passwords in plain text? Well, i managed to read through almost the whole story without getting distracted by typos or errors or weird wording. Problem is, I didn’t enjoy it.

beginning: cora downloads tons of space porn and gets caught. she gets fired. then she hacks into her boss’s account, fries the whole system. she’s told that now the rover will be lost or something.

ending: she sits down at a computer and hax it back together, because luke was busy jacking it to all the space porn and then took a nap and hadn’t been doing poo poo. then they’re like “we will rehire you.”

how they word together: tone wise, it’s excellent. I really don’t know where the switch happened. The characters seem to have the same personalities and motivations.

light and fun: it’s not really light. It’s full of very technical language, that ultimately means very little. so she’s real good at computers…. cool. so what? she mostly just causes trouble, but then when it comes to something serious she saves the day. i like space stuff, but not so much at this level of detail. i don’t even know why they’re on mercury or what was so important to download that she risked her job over it. there’s a lot of details you should have included that would make this more fun and less tedious.

6. Prehistory
“bunched up in his cloaca” ew lol. “some other dinosaur?” judge pandering. i like it. ““Homeless statins? Yeah, they all went under a couple million years ago. Chlora-flora this and Ozone Slayer” not a fan of this. that’s it?

beginning: a fun jaunty trip taken by a space dinosaur and a little gray man. THIS is the type of lighthearted fun i was talking about. WHO DID THIS? chairchucker? tyran? anyway, I like it. the conflict is that he does not know what he will find when he gets back home, but he wants to kill something. cool.

ending: man, did you bumble this. instead of my promised dinosaur slays an elephant or awkward dinosaur meets humans, you have him meet an idiot whale who apparently doesn’t have a word for “humans.” if his language was being translated, he wouldn’t say words that SOUND like what the english words are. then he’s just like “oh we thought you left because of a bird.” and then he laughs and they fly away. not really much of a satisfying resolution. Like, if somebody asks you donde esta el baño, you don’t say “sorry, i don’t know what a bafbroom is.”

how they work together: at first it’s pretty good. all up until they meet the whale. then it just kind of abandons the original plot in order to be like “lol no humans. hey remember that bird thing?!” and then hork flies away. you really should have made him eat that whale. that would have tied things up nicely.

light and fun: yes. even in the way it let me down, it was still fun to read.

7. Trouble, Trouble
“Katy Perry so much and yet want to go to a Taylor Swift gig, which was just crazy because while Katy was just the worst, TayTay” uh, chairchucker? I feel like maybe somebody read me jokingly saying i was a taylor swift fan in IRC and is trying to do a weird pander… +points for bowie anyway. “You’re not gonna come in with me?” i can’t tell if she’s serious or not. “She would need to get backup if she wanted to foil a kidnapping and become TayTay’s BFF.” this is what i was talking about when i said “light hearted fun doesn’t need to be a big joke.” this all feels like a big joke, at my expense. “He watched Violet like a furious pigeon” can’t decide if i like this or hate it. “he didn’t notice the two familiar-looking security guards on either side of the stage.” DON’T DO THIS poo poo. Violet is your POV character. We know what she knows, and we notice what she notices. Don't tell me this omniscient poo poo. “when the smoke filled the,” whoops. “Violet panicked as she remembered” she probably remembered first, THEN panicked. the act of remembering is usually instantaneous, while the act of panicking is a long, drawn out action in comparison. “famous-looking guy” how is somebody “famous looking?” do you just mean a famous guy she doesn’t really know? ugh. this story makes my brain mad at my eyeballs.

beginning: a big joke. why was she in a wheelchair at one point?

end: a big joke

how they worked together: great, as a big joke.

fun and light hearted: yes, at the expense of being interesting or engaging at all. this story feels like it was written for somebody with brain damage, and possibly BY somebody with brain damage.

8. The Monster in the Closet
At first I was a bit annoyed at the voice here, but it kinda grew on me. The second half does a better job of making it believable. The first half sounds like self-doubt/self-pity/self-hatred. I get that. But the second half really makes that voice seem not like just a bad thing. It shows some growth.

beginning: there is a lesbian with anxiety.

ending: she gets laid.

how these work together: pretty dang well, actually. The ending really latched onto the voice and improved it. It told a whole story, and left me wanting to read more.

light and fun: not really. Got a bit more fun toward the end, but somebody wrestling with existential poo poo like god and their sexuality really isn’t lighthearted at all!

9. The Crucible
“Which begged the question:” please learn what this means, and don’t use it this way again.

just some boring fantasy where we don’t really have much sense of the motivation or what’s at risk.

10. Square Pegs Are For Squares

“because we have up too soon?” typo. “walked through the door into the airlock, which quickly shut behind them once they had cleared.” i know how an airlock works, no need to belabor the point. “David sighed, though his demeanor softened. “I’ve been friends with you two fuckers forever, and I wasn’t going to let you do this crazy poo poo alone.” is this where the author’s switched? because all of a sudden there was lots of unnecessary cussing.

this plot is dumb.

11. The Art Lesson
“sharp bony fingers, using it to make thick, bold” too many simple, boring adjectives. “she drew her gun, a revolver, “Mr. Jackon?” typo. “she found instead a toy gun with a flag sticking out of the barrel. It read “Bang.” really? you’re gonna do that? “Things getting grayer now.” seems like this is missing a word or punctuation or something. ugh. that was dumb. first half was something, last half was dumb. also not lighthearted or fun.

12. Sole Survivor: Space Janitor
At first i was like “this isn’t very light hearted” but then it go to the sweeping stuff. The back story is a bit boring and takes way too long to finish. Shoulda just stuck with something about being marooned on a planet and having some bad guys out to get you.

13. Sculpting Perfection
“He would not rest until he could share his bed with the perfect woman of his creation. “ I feel like this is how incest porn gets made. ok. weird dumb story with no real agency. also not really lighthearted now is it?

14. Ring Quest
“lol i’m unreliable, ditzy, AND dishonest. Fred will be lucky to marry me!”

15. Work Experience
“As they helicopter” autobots roll out. “his father quoted that phrase at least twice a month.” yeah, but was he asked to? ““I’d rather not have blood all over the . “ typo

that wasn’t really lighthearted fun, it was like hunger games + dilbert.

16. A Better Place To Be In
“I must be hanging upside-down, he thought. “ this guy doesn’t have a functioning vestibular system? wow so this isn’t lighthearted or fun at all. also this ending is very similar to one of mine a few weeks back.

17. Birdy
What.

18. Ulterior Motives
Time travel. please go back and warn me not to read.

19. The Princess Ball
not really fun. lost its absurdness in the second half.

20. Mummy Got Boned
lol.

21. Thee Tends Well
dumb. DUMB

22. What's Left When It All Goes Wrong
he got caught smoking weed? lol.

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

In, if I have time.

A GRIZZLY BEAR wants to RUN FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010


Flesnolk posted:

In, if I have time.

A GRIZZLY BEAR wants to RUN FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
gently caress yes. In.

an EIGHTH-DIMENSION CONSCIOUSNESS HIVE FLOATING IN FREE SPACE wants to COLONISE A HUMAN BODY.

take the moon
Feb 12, 2011



in

a DEMON wants to TAKE CARE OF YOU

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







PALE SPECTRES posted:

in

a DEMON wants to TAKE CARE OF YOU

in

now tell me about a LIGHT AIRCRAFT that wants to WRITE POETRY

Meeple
Dec 28, 2009


sebmojo posted:

in

now tell me about a LIGHT AIRCRAFT that wants to WRITE POETRY

Man, I haven't done this forever and this sounds like fun.

In.

Write me a story about a ONE OR MORE BEES (swarm optional) that want(s) FAME AND FORTUNE

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why did you fail Thunderdome?


In

the VICE-PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA wants to PAINT THE WHITE HOUSE A DIFFERENT COLOR

oh yeah i failed last time so :toxx: I GUESS

Entenzahn fucked around with this message at 11:21 on Aug 3, 2016

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010


:siren: Much-belated winners of Megabrawl Round 3 :siren:

curlingiron vs PALE SPECTRES
Thranguy vs SittingHere

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

Meeple posted:

ONE OR MORE BEES (swarm optional) that want(s) FAME AND FORTUNE

Wasn't that the plot of Bee Movie

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010


Flesnolk posted:

Wasn't that the plot of Bee Movie
Say that two more times and I hear you can summon TheSaddestRhino.

QuoProQuid
Jan 12, 2012

Tr*ckin' and F*ckin' all the way to tha
T O P


Entenzahn posted:

In

the VICE-PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA wants to PAINT THE WHITE HOUSE A DIFFERENT COLOR

oh yeah i failed last time so :toxx: I GUESS

I'll elect to do that.

Now, tell me about the SPY that wants to win a COUNTY FAIR BAKING COMPETITION

kuribo
Aug 2, 2003

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

QuoProQuid posted:

I'll elect to do that.

Now, tell me about the SPY that wants to win a COUNTY FAIR BAKING COMPETITION



I'll take this one.

I want someone to tell me the story of a WAITER who wants to JOIN THE CIRCUS

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME






:siren: I have two flashrules for the first two goons who are brave enough to quote this post :siren:

The Cut of Your Jib
Apr 23, 2007

THUNDERDOME LOSER

kuribo posted:

I want someone to tell me the story of a WAITER who wants to JOIN THE CIRCUS

Sitting Here posted:

:siren: I have two flashrules for the first two goons who are brave enough to quote this post :siren:

In *gulp*

a CHEESEMONGER wants to ELIMINATE THEIR RIVAL

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


kuribo posted:

I'll take this one.

I want someone to tell me the story of a WAITER who wants to JOIN THE CIRCUS

HI

kuribo
Aug 2, 2003

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.



HIIIII

Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

I'm bokeh, you're bokeh


Ironic Twist posted:

And now, for the next meeting of the THUNDERTOME BOOK CLUB, something a bit less dense, but no less good.



Next meeting tentatively scheduled for Friday, August 5th.

next TTBC meeting is tomorrow at 8PM EST, bring your Sherlock hats

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME






WE HAVE AN ORPHANED PROMPT :smith:

Tyrannosaurus posted:

In. A DOG wants to BE A MAN.



:siren: Your prompt is now: a WAITER who wants to JOIN THE CIRCUS vs A DOG who wants to BE A MAN. :siren:

Sitting Here fucked around with this message at 22:54 on Aug 4, 2016

Lily Catts
Oct 17, 2012

Show me the way to you
(Heavy Metal)


The Cut of Your Jib posted:

a CHEESEMONGER wants to ELIMINATE THEIR RIVAL

In with a :toxx:.

An ACTION STAR wants to RAISE THEIR CUTE DAUGHTER

Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

I'm bokeh, you're bokeh


Schneider Heim posted:

In with a :toxx:.

An ACTION STAR wants to RAISE THEIR CUTE DAUGHTER

In, :toxx:'d.

A LIBRARIAN wants to CREATE A SOVEREIGN STATE.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again



edit: Thanks for crits Some Strange Flea and Flerp, let me know if there's anything you want critted in return

Djeser fucked around with this message at 20:10 on Aug 5, 2016

take the moon
Feb 12, 2011



3 is my magic number

ill crit 3 things that goons have scraped out over the course of their whole existence but the recent digital past is good too

in return i wanna taste the dreams of yr lips. alternately you can overflow me with yr light or hold me like a whisper

Kaishai
Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.

Ironic Twist posted:

A LIBRARIAN wants to CREATE A SOVEREIGN STATE.

Curse you for knowing my weaknesses. In.

A DICTATOR wants to MARRY A WHALE.

Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

I'm bokeh, you're bokeh


Kaishai posted:

Curse you for knowing my weaknesses. In.


knew it

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again



Djeser posted:

edit: Thanks for crits Some Strange Flea and Flerp, let me know if there's anything you want critted in return

Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

I'm bokeh, you're bokeh


recent THUNDERTOME BOOK CLUB meeting was probably the best one yet, but now I'm at a loss as to which book to do next.

here are the three up for the spot at this point:

https://www.amazon.com/Stories-Your-Life-Others-Chiang/dp/1931520720
https://www.amazon.com/City-Glass-New-York-Trilogy/dp/0140097317
https://www.amazon.com/Burning-Chrome-William-Gibson/dp/0060539828/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

look at all three, see which one appeals to you the most and make a post saying so. I'll make an official announcement tomorrow evening.

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010


Second one is not kindle-available outside the US, so not that one. I'm for Chiang, personally.

Screaming Idiot
Nov 26, 2007

JUST POSTING WHILE JERKIN' MY GHERKIN SITTIN' IN A PERKINS!

BEATS SELLING MERKINS.


Fun Shoe

Kaishai posted:

Curse you for knowing my weaknesses. In.

A DICTATOR wants to MARRY A WHALE.

I was gonna duck this week because of prior obligations, but aw shucks, I'm in.

A MECHANIC wants to LEARN TO FLY.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




PALE SPECTRES posted:

3 is my magic number

ill crit 3 things that goons have scraped out over the course of their whole existence but the recent digital past is good too

in return i wanna taste the dreams of yr lips. alternately you can overflow me with yr light or hold me like a whisper

this one plz and tia

http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=4441&title=Halfway+For+Too+Long

or more specifically a slightly reworked version of it

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FAe1CYPyuHxt7cNQ-g9ZXOLcEnHwJ_g624H3K3BLBDs/edit?usp=sharing

Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

I'm bokeh, you're bokeh


Actually, I've just remembered a different suggestion I received for a THUNDERTOME BOOK CLUB submission, one that's probably more widely available than the three posted previously, and judging by the lukewarm response, I think I'm going to take it.

So, if you'll allow me:



Vonnegut's first, and one of his best. Next meeting date: Friday, August 19th. Get to it.

E: Player Piano. The book is Player Piano. Tinypic can go gently caress itself.

Ironic Twist fucked around with this message at 06:00 on Aug 6, 2016

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME






:siren: Signups are closed :siren:

here's to four more years of thunderdome

Armack
Jan 27, 2006


Ironic Twist posted:

Player Piano.

In.

Zerbra23
Jul 31, 2016


A CAVEMAN wants to GO BACK TO SIMPLER TIMES
Breakfast Time


You wonder what happened. What happened that, when you looked into the mirror, you saw a gold armband attached to your left hand, supposedly ‘helping you’. It’s only been a year since the discovery of the underground deposit. You were even one of the people held there. Suppressing your desires, you thought that was a decent trade. At least, you thought.

You walked over to the kitchen and raised your hand to the cupboard door. Accidentally pulling the door off of it’s hinges, you hear it hit the ground. Your nostrils flare up and you almost raise your huge fist down to strike the counter, but a small zap stops you and you go back to grabbing something from there. More specifically, the cereal box.

You slide the cereal box onto the table and rub the tiny amount of sleep from your eyes. You yawn, as you slowly open the fridge door. You see a large amount of boar meat, and directly above that, a container of milk. While twitching, you quickly attempt to take a chunk out of your well-deserve meal, but what happened earlier happened again. Instead, you slowly grab the milk and close the fridge.

You bring the milk container onto the table, and pour the box of cereal onto a dried up bowl your sink didn’t hold. You pour enough and then you begin pouring the milk. As the milk pours, you’re reminded of your enemies, and how they looked as you taught them who was truly the king. As you smile and laugh a little you experience the small shock again and a small amount of milk stains your lovely laminated wooden table.

You reverse all your prior actions and then sit at the table. With the spoon already beside you, you begin spooning up your cereal slowly. This was boring, you thought. You only took a few more sips as you then attempt to grab the bowl with both hands and chug it down. Like before, a small zaps plays with your desires and you accidentally let go of the bowl, making it drop down onto the floor, shattering into hundreds of tiny pieces…

You began to screech and you get zapped. You slam the armband against the table a few dozen times, and despite the pain of the zapping, you keep doing it. You do this for at least 20 seconds, but it was no use. The armband stayed on and your bowl was on the table.

However, you thought to yourself, there was one thing you could do. You went over to your TV from the room across and slammed your hand through it. The TV’s screen cracked, leaving a giant hole, and welcoming an electric shock at least a hundred times worst then the armband. It lasted for almost 30 seconds, but you knew, despite all the pain, it might end your suffering.

You loudly fall onto the floor and lay for a few seconds. The smell of ash and the small electric sounds in your already slightly red vision somehow felt better, as you haven’t felt the feeling of true pain in a while. You tear off your shirt, revealing your very hairy exterior and quickly get up from the floor.

You pound your stomach with both hands and rush towards the kitchen. You quickly open the fridge and grapple the large boar meat and slam it into your mouth. The raw, succulents taste coupled with the blood dripping from your mouth, and the small amount of blood appearing on your hands appearing to accumulate, made you smile. You begin to tear through the house, knocking over the table, your couch and the destroyed TV, until falling to the floor when your adrenaline wore off. It felt good, you liked this feeling. You haven’t experienced it in so long.

You wish it could be like this forever. However, you remember what you saw a while ago. You look onto your arm and you begin to hear a very high pitched sound, with the decibels increasing every second. A few moments later, you experience a small zap...
z]A CAVEMAN wants to GO BACK TO SIMPLER TIMES[/sp]

You wonder what happened. What happened that, when you looked into the mirror, you saw a gold armband attached to your left hand, supposedly ‘helping you’. It’s only been a year since the discovery of the underground deposit. You were even one of the people held there. Suppressing your desires, you thought that was a decent trade. At least, you thought.

You walked over to the kitchen and raised your hand to the cupboard door. Accidentally pulling the door off of it’s hinges, you hear it hit the ground. Your nostrils flare up and you almost raise your huge fist down to strike the counter, but a small zap stops you and you go back to grabbing something from there. More specifically, the cereal box.

You slide the cereal box onto the table and rub the tiny amount of sleep from your eyes. You yawn, as you slowly open the fridge door. You see a large amount of boar meat, and directly above that, a container of milk. While twitching, you quickly attempt to take a chunk out of your well-deserve meal, but what happened earlier happened again. Instead, you slowly grab the milk and close the fridge.

You bring the milk container onto the table, and pour the box of cereal onto a dried up bowl your sink didn’t hold. You pour enough and then you begin pouring the milk. As the milk pours, you’re reminded of your enemies, and how they looked as you taught them who was truly the king. As you smile and laugh a little you experience the small shock again and a small amount of milk stains your lovely laminated wooden table.

You reverse all your prior actions and then sit at the table. With the spoon already beside you, you begin spooning up your cereal slowly. This was boring, you thought. You only took a few more sips as you then attempt to grab the bowl with both hands and chug it down. Like before, a small zaps plays with your desires and you accidentally let go of the bowl, making it drop down onto the floor, shattering into hundreds of tiny pieces…

You began to screech and you get zapped. You slam the armband against the table a few dozen times, and despite the pain of the zapping, you keep doing it. You do this for at least 20 seconds, but it was no use. The armband stayed on and your bowl was on the table.

However, you thought to yourself, there was one thing you could do. You went over to your TV from the room across and slammed your hand through it. The TV’s screen cracked, leaving a giant hole, and welcoming an electric shock at least a hundred times worst then the armband. It lasted for almost 30 seconds, but you knew, despite all the pain, it might end your suffering.

You loudly fall onto the floor and lay for a few seconds. The smell of ash and the small electric sounds in your already slightly red vision somehow felt better, as you haven’t felt the feeling of true pain in a while. You tear off your shirt, revealing your very hairy exterior and quickly get up from the floor.

You pound your stomach with both hands and rush towards the kitchen. You quickly open the fridge and grapple the large boar meat and slam it into your mouth. The raw, succulents taste coupled with the blood dripping from your mouth, and the small amount of blood appearing on your hands appearing to accumulate, made you smile. You begin to tear through the house, knocking over the table, your couch and the destroyed TV, until falling to the floor when your adrenaline wore off. It felt good, you liked this feeling. You haven’t experienced it in so long.

You wish it could be like this forever. However, you remember what you saw a while ago. You look onto your arm and you begin to hear a very high pitched sound, with the decibels increasing every second. A few moments later, you experience a small zap...

Zerbra23 fucked around with this message at 10:46 on Aug 7, 2016

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Kaishai
Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.

:siren: Entrants! :siren:

Kindly don't hide your flash rules, sub-prompts, word counts, or anything else behind spoiler tags unless the judges ask you to do so. This goes for every week.

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