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  • Locked thread
Dec 11, 2013

by Pragmatica

EDIT: Seoul was deemed too tame for my talents, reassigned to Colonial Virginia. Give me a flash-rule for the edit.

SkaAndScreenplays fucked around with this message at 21:02 on Aug 24, 2016


Fuschia tude
Dec 26, 2004



since my first crit of this was basically i dont like eggs here is an

*~!alt crit!~*

of To Make an Omelet

k so the problem with this title tho actually is that it puts the reader in the following mindset. is this story in best friend monster week going to be about an egg monster friend? then hes just like yes. it mite not sound like a big deal but its just like, less anxiety of information or w/e is not helpful to how a story is processed. it just isnt

also its mommy, not mummy. a mummy is an old egyptian dead thing with bandages

geospatially her hiding place is under the porch. this is realistically not far enough from wherever the photo would be taken for cries of her name to grow "quieter and less insistent"

blocking wise "she reached out to touch it and it moved" "it scooted out of her grasp" if it moved before she touched it it would never b in her grasp

having her hurl someth at the egg makes her seem like a dick, espesh since this is someth humankind has never encountered

how does the hand reach out of the egg? does it fold out of like folds of egg shell skin? does it break through in a cracking motion? i suspect you didnt really think about it which is why you didnt describe it

you finally get around to describing the egg halfway thru the story which is bad but even worse is that its literally just an egg making the description pointless

you describe how it transforms which is a pro move but its the sort of description that should have been used throughout the story

ig big dolly and little dolly are dolls? ig they are cuz of their name. theyre not important at all tho

"He never complained, never asked for food or water. She didnít think to ask how he lived. He simply was." this should be an important biological fact or psychological insight into her character but it rly is neither of those things. its rly just a handwave to keep the story going

do "always hid" instead of "always seemed to hid" what do you get out of seemed to?

ig the egg ring thing is foreshadowing that this is time loop messery. if so thats not the most atrocious foreshadowing this week

here it feels like there mite be consequences for standing too much but there never are. ig its cuz of egg magic? w/e

"soon she could walk without it. (She did that sometimes, anyway. But it was too tiring to walk for long without it.)" awkward phrase redundancy

ok so i thought the photograph meant it was a time loop. but like, i mean, this is for school. the mom photograph is someth else. it took me two readings to realize that


the eggs friendship was as disposable as flash fiction stories posted on the internet

this is not a precedent that if you complain about my crit you get another ok?

Thank you again spec :3:

Sailor Viy
Aug 4, 2013

And when I can swim no longer, if I have not reached Aslan's country, or shot over the edge of the world into some vast cataract, I shall sink with my nose to the sunrise.


Feb 25, 2014

flerp posted:

:siren: offering five line by lines for any story :siren:

first come first serve one per customer newbies more than welcome

hi someone take this last crit i have all the rest done and if u ask for it in like the next hour or two ill be able to post them tonight so please take it u dinguses.

Apr 21, 2010

Deceitful and black-hearted, perhaps we are. But we would never go against the Code. Well, perhaps for good reasons. But mostly never.

flerp posted:

hi someone take this last crit i have all the rest done and if u ask for it in like the next hour or two ill be able to post them tonight so please take it u dinguses.

Okay, fine.

Feb 25, 2014
the pact is sealed. chili, echo cian, quid pro quo, muffin and thranguy, your crits are here. i hope you enjoy my ramblings and maybe find them useful who even knows anymore

Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit

Fun Shoe

flerp posted:

the pact is sealed. chili, echo cian, quid pro quo, muffin and thranguy, your crits are here. i hope you enjoy my ramblings and maybe find them useful who even knows anymore

Thanks flerp! Didn't know the dialogue thing was an issue at all. Definitely will work on it.

The Cut of Your Jib
Apr 24, 2007

you don't find a style

a style finds you

Lazy Beggar posted:

Chasing That
787 words
I was listening to the recent IDEOTV podcast about symbolism in the Dan Brownian mindset.

You identified a lot of symbols, but you made absolutely no effort to figure anything out. So, crit for tat, you're lucky that I also said, "ah gently caress it," and decided to really delve into this one.

Your little creature behaves like the dumb, baby ghost thing in the Hulu stoner show Deadbeat or maybe the cartoon version of Slimer. It could have been cute, but you're dealing with addiction (and criminal impulses) so you can't just take your story at face-value as a kiddie adventure. Right out of the gate you drop a c-bomb; so you're inviting, if not a grown-up reading, at least an adolescent one.

It might just be me, and sometimes a man stroking his one-eyed whale is just a man stroking his one-eyed whale. Then again, it might not.

So please enjoy my thoughts along with loads of out-of-context quotes from the er, seminal masterpiece Moby-Dick (and a few Moby lyrics).

Herman Melville posted:

What the white whale was to Ahab, has been hinted; what, at times, he was to me, as yet remains unsaid.

Lazy Beggar posted:

My mind wasnít what it used to be. I had been a scientist.

Melville posted:

is it for these reasons that there is such a dumb blankness, full of meaning, in a wide landscape of snows- a colorless, all-color of atheism from which we shrink?
Real smart kid. I read rather than watched. Science is observation? Even engineering and maths are applied science, which means doing something with the knowledge. So, TV BAD I guess Had friends, knew people when I walked down the street. Now I just tried to stay clean. The council of what? helped me. Well they created something to help. First time I saw it, I thought I was high. if mad science in this world is used as government sanctioned rehabilitation surely your character would know about it. If it's magic, then why did they summon some demon/angel for this moronic reason? Waste of magic Itís about as long as my bony forearm. It has the body of a whale, The baculum of a dwarf sperm whale is about the size and shape of a human ulna but with just one enormous eye covering most of its head. Mike Wazowski, Mike Wazowski, Mike Wazowski No mouth and a pair of feathered wings.

ďWhat is that?Ē I said. I might have peppered my question with some profanities. You donít forget them. you did, apparently
ďYour new best friend,Ē said some double-glazing time to make the donuts oval office from the council. Reference to the sacred feminine. lol, j/k more like Georgia O'Queef, amirite?

Melville posted:

Still, she was tolerably tight, and but little more than the ordinary pumping of a morning served to keep her free.
EAye, but he was right. This little monster was my guardian angel. I didnít want one. Who wants an eye on them all the time? This entire dynamic makes no sense. Is this thing a scarlet letter, or a parole officer looking over your shoulder, or a counselor to help you kick addiction? This eyeball whale is created to do somethingóbut it's never clear what exactly. So it must be a metaphor. I see

I got used to that eye.

Melville posted:

It was not an eye like Harry's tho' Harry's was large and womanly. It shone with a soft and spiritual radiance, like a moist star in a tropic sky;
Had to name it. My parole officer supervisory agent right here, critter not needed suggested Moby.

Melville posted:

In the fishery, they usually go by the generic name of Gay-Headers.
Moby seemed to like it. Sorted. When I watched TV he would land on my lap and lie there all night. He would get frightened when I watched sports. Couldnít help myself. Something about an athlete messing up gets me going. Help, I watched sports-man knock the bar down with his peen and I don't understand these feelings I'm having I would apologise and he would come back, mollified for a while. Until the next mistake made me boil. I stopped watching sport. Wasnít fair on Moby.

Melville posted:

He would hum over his old rigadig tunes while flank and flank with the most exasperated monster.
Mobyís back felt horrible to stroke, but his wings were pleasant to touch. It wasnít long until I was stroking those wings compulsively while my ego was replaced with that craving. OK, I'm working out those feelings, one stroke at a time One time when I almost gave in to it, Moby, flew at me and my poison,

Melville posted:

ďSqueeze! Squeeze! Squeeze! all the morning long; I squeezed that sperm till I myself almost melted into it; I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort of insanity came over me,"
knocking it on the floor. I cursed. I swiped at him. you're such a naughty boy Still regret that.

But before I could get on my knees,

Herman Melville posted:

that-every time my heels went up and my head went down
he had knocked over an open bottle of beer.

Melville posted:

As for the taste of it, I can only describe it as answering to the name itself; which is certainly significant of something vile. But it is drunk in large quantities by the poor people about Liverpool, which, perhaps, in some degree, accounts for their poverty.
No chance of a high now. I had a good greet. oi guv, let's pop down to the pub and get high on a few pints, wot? It took a while before I could talk to him again. When I did, I apologised. And thanked him. He came back to my lap.

Melville posted:

To do her a good, I had periled myself. So down, down, Aleema.

go down in the dark.

Melville quoting Dryden posted:

And give no chance, but swallow in the fry,
Which through their gaping jaws mistake the way."

I worked at a local college in the evenings. Sweeping and the like. Sometimes I would linger at the door of at teaching room when there was a night class on. how do you like them apples? Didnít take long before I felt like an idiot.

Melville posted:

one of those natures, anomalously vicious, which would almost tempt a metaphysical lover of our species to doubt whether the human form be, in all cases, conclusive evidence of humanity,
Especially with Moby about. People knew what he meant. A fall from grace. I guess your character is the only person in the world with DWIs or something? There should be a slew of flying monsters around I tried not to resent him for what others thought. But I did. I also knew he was the only thing stopping me from falling further. how? Aside from allowing you some frenzied wing-stroking it doesn't do anything to help He could tell when I was upset with him. I tried to console him, but he would be sad for days. ♫ Why does my heart feel so bad? ♫ This is a bad guardian angel (or whatever it is)

I walked to work. I wasnít permitted to drive with my record. No harm. One evening, I walked past a group of dolled up girls.

Melville posted:

No wonder that in old times sperm was such a favorite cosmetic. Such a clearer! such a sweetener! such a softener; such a delicious mollifier!

Upon the whole, aided by the resources of the toilet, her appearance at distance was such, that some might have thought her, if anything, rather beautiful, though of a style of beauty rather peculiar and cactus-like.
I avoided looking at them. I didnít want to cause offence, and didnít like the thoughts in my head when I looked. But they saw me.

Melville posted:

all you had to do was to go up and kill them: they were too frightened to resist.
ďDisgusting. Why are they allowed to be out alone?Ē
ďIf only he was alone! People are grossed out by the familiar and not the character, so what is the point? That slimy gremlin is an abomination.Ē
so you added some extra description here. Lesse: bony forearm, whale body, one eye, no mouth, feathered wings for a sportsdude to stroke, moby, slimy, gremlin

That ought to do it

Melville posted:

a being from some other sphere. His tastes were our abominations;
ďTell me about it. I feel sick.Ē qft
I marched past them as quickly as possible. Moby wasnít for it though.

Melville posted:

Rely upon it, he will fight you to the hilt, for his bony blade has never a scabbard.
He stayed behind. He swooped about their faces and tangled himself in one of their nests of hair. She screamed.

Melville posted:

the scene which had just occurred admonished me of the danger of trifling with the wayward and passionate spirits against whom it was vain to struggle, and might even be fatal to do go.
The other two laughed, keeping their distance. Moby struggled to free himself, but couldnít. The girl slapped at him.

Melville posted:

had a strange way of touching, as by accident, the arm or hand of comely young men, and seemed to reap a secret delight from it,
No luck freeing him either. I ran back with a belly full of crushing sickness.

Melville posted:

Beat thy belly, then, and wag thy ears. Jig it, men, I say;
I didnít need any more reminding that I was a low life sack of poo poo.

Melville quoting Plutarch posted:

down it goes all incontinently
I set about freeing Moby from his hirsute prison. hair jail=hair gel= you get the idea

Melville posted:

Her hair was of a deep, rich chestnut, but worn in close, short curls all round her head. Her Indian figure was not without its impairing effect on her bust, while her mouth would have been pretty but for a trace of moustache.
It didnít take long. I swear this never happens
ďDonít touch me! Ugh. Get away from me!Ē
I apologised and fled the scene. Who knows what sort of trouble Iíd get into if I lingered.

Melville posted:

She was almost mortally stabbed;

and, after vaguely lingering a while, with another shower of incomprehensible compliments and apologies, tripped like a fairy from the chamber.
I was furious with Moby. Isn't your flying eyeball supposed to be keeping a literal eye on your character, keeping him out of trouble? Why is it assaulting people, anyway?
ďIt's quite cute actually,Ē one of the laughing girls said before I escaped. ďAbnormal? Yeah, but still cute.Ē

Melville posted:

It was an aromatic sword; like the ancient caliph's, giving out a peculiar musky odor by friction.
I turned around, and she smiled. At me. I know it didnít mean much to her. But god, it meant a lot to me. Probably smiled at Moby actually. Either way it reminded me of kindness. I didnít fall in love with her or anything. But it felt like it. I made a mess in a streetwalker's hair and mistook her pity for validation

Melville posted:

And love, which in the eye of its object ever seeks to invest itself with some rare superiority, love, sometimes induced me to prop my failing divinity; though it was I myself who had undermined it.
EAye, and I remembered those highs too. Those scummy episodes forever intertwined with happiness. I forgot my anger for Moby. I felt lucky for the first time in a long time. You just have to remember it isnít all poo poo, all the time.

Melville posted:

Dunderfunk is made of hard biscuit, hashed and pounded, mixed with beef fat, molasses, and water, and baked brown in a pan.
I wonder if Moby was upset that they thought I was disgusting or he was an abomination? Probably a bit of both. He can be quite sensitive. refractory period And protective.

Melville posted:

assisted by two allies, heavily backs the grandissimus, as the mariners call it,

The mincer now stands before you invested in the full canonicals of his calling. Immemorial to all his order, this investiture alone will adequately protect him,

Melville posted:

For small erections may be finished by their first architects; grand ones, true ones, ever leave the copestone to posterity.

And always remember:

Melville posted:

he who declared he loved a good hater was but a respectable sort of Hottentot

Lazy Beggar
Dec 9, 2011


Thanks for that. Some effort.

More creativity in your dissection of the work than in the work itself.

a friendly penguin
Feb 1, 2007

trolling for fish

For some reason I really hate the idea that there are stories submitted to TD that havenít been critiqued. Because, honestly, if someone didnít want some feedback, there is no reason to suffer the pain of ThunderdomeÖ unless theyíre just some weird person who likes pain.

Anyway, so Iíll be doing critiques over a few days here for people who probably donít care. Deal with walls of text!

Round 1: Zero Year by Canadian Surf Club

While this is definitely better than Rose Wreckís story, who you were brawling against in round 1 of this week, itís still not a great story. First of all, thereís not much in the way of character building and second of all, your grammar and flow go to hell when you start the action sequence. Itís as if you got caught up in the excitement yourself and failed to read your sentences.

ďThe brute wasn't done, closing the distant and thrashing like something primal had opened up within him, his face set stern but his beady eyes open wide and wild.Ē

Beside the distant/distance problem, the opening half of the sentence doesnít go with the second half. And your noir inspired similes donít quite sound natural. I donít believe that theyíre coming from the point of view of a hard bitten PI.

You were obviously limited by story length here and the amount of time you had to write it, but this story is much bigger than 840 words can hold and because of that, we get very little character growth and little explanation of exactly who is who and what they mean in relation to everyone else.

And even though all of this is critical, I think it started off really well. Youíve got just the right amount of cynical reflection and story progressing information to get the reader interested. Just wish you had more space to spread out.

As Gouda Title as Any by Jeza

500 words, had to be amusing and contain cheese in some way: this is a hard prompt. I must admit that I smiled at the really bad Camembert pun (I really, really like puns, even ones that donít quite qualify) but that was about it. Comedy is hard.

I can see this being funny with some visual comedy, some ironic twists to your descriptions of ďman with rakeĒ and so on, but you are working with words here. Because you donít have time to characterize any of the people in your work, theyíre all stock characters and you rely too much on stereotypes to be amusing. But thatís not going to be too amusing with this audience. LOL, British people talk funny isnít going to take you very far.

I think with such a short word count, you needed to choose one aspect of the news story to really delve into for the humor. Thereís probably a ton of comedy gold in a cheese factory explosion that you didnít even touch because you went straight to interviews. It would have been better to do one thing to the point of absurdism than try to cover so many different angles: blaming a misunderstanding of the volatility of American cows vs British cows and using that to delve into the cultural differences of the people might have been interesting and amusing if done right. Not that I could do it right either, but it has potential.

Regardless, I think you tried to do too much with too few words and your story and audience suffered for it.

Coyote Country by Space Godzilla

I think it was a genius idea to write this story from the point of view of Coyote. I would never have thought that way from the prompt, but it works extremely well.

ďIt is I, Coyote, and it seems youíve caught me. For that, I will briefly reward you with my attention.Ē

Pure Coyote! And I love it. I think youíve almost nailed Coyoteís self-indulgent attitude, his pseudo-promises and his greatness. Itís all very succinct and moves the story right along.

Your opening and closing paragraphs are what need work. In coyote stories there usually is a bit of an introduction, but it really only works if you know what kind of story it is ahead of time. Here though, itís almost boring to the reader. I wish you had spent a little more time with the coyotes mauling the woman. This action seems too abrupt and insignificant. Whereas it should have more meaning.

Your folk singer needed to have a little more character to her as well if you wanted her death to have an impact or to make this the ďsad taleĒ you claim it is in your second sentence. We feel as remote from her as Coyote does and so there is no emotion associated with her death.

Your last line is no good. At least I didnít like it and think it was completely extraneous. Overall, amusing and a great idea but needs a bit more detail.

Fat Cat by Bug Bill Murray

I donít get it.
I wouldnít take that as a damning critique because Iím fairly thick when it comes to narratives that arenít straightforward. You set a very good tone and your scene setting is great. I definitely feel as if I am in their house.

But it took me way too long to figure out that this was from the point of view of Langley and I have no idea why he acts the way he does. I did not read the Wikipedia article about the death. I only read the snippet attached to your story. And that should be all I need to get something out of the story. Iím just confused and the descriptions, though engrossing, donít grow the story. In the end, the action is very simple. So youíre resting on your tone a lot.

Your last paragraph changes in tone though. That might have been intentional since the character has entered into a different state of mind, but it doesnít seem to flow naturally.

All of my comments are just disjointed observations since I canít really form a coherent understanding of your story. So take them or leave them.

Thinking Manís End by Manouverable

I think you chose the wrong person to tell this story. In this instance, the person who died was pretty passive in the whole affair. As opposed to some of the other deaths in this prompt where you have to wonder, ďjust what were they thinkingĒ with this death, youíre left with someone just thinking all of the usual things that one would think in this situation. Which makes for a pretty boring story.

It had the potential to be an interesting story told from Chapmanís perspective as long as you did a decent job of juxtaposing his thoughts versus what was about to happen to him. Where the audience knows that he is mere minutes away from the death event, but yet all he can do is think about getting to first base or getting back to his wife. That could have worked. But because thereís no indication that he is about to die (yes, we know he is from the prompt) his thoughts have no weight to them.

Had you told a similar story from the perspective of someone who survived, like the ump or the pitcher, it would have been much easier to make for an interesting narrative. Because they have the luxury of having an after and being able to look back on the occasion.

Your actual prose is fine and works with the quick changing of circumstances and split second decision making. I donít quite buy his thought pattern after getting hit in the head though. I would expect him to be way more confused, both as to what happened and why his body doesnít seem to be functioning normally. Basically, his thought pattern should change at that point rather than stay the same. Dude was just hit in the head such that he is going to die. A change would have made sense here.

The Deactivation of Robot Williams by Truman Sticks

Falls flat and predictable ending. But itís a mostly harmless story. Itís also a concept thatís been tried many times and therefore you have to do something different with it in order for there to be any interest.

It also only slightly addresses the prompt. In fact, if you had spent more time with the robotís account of the killing of Robert Williams and his transfer thereafter, this might have been more compelling. Because the robot seems to remember his life as a C-7000, I think the audience would be more interested in some back story of that, then spend some time on the day of the killing, then his life after transfer.

Instead what you have now is a rudimentary robot plan to go to New York for some reason. Why would a robot want to be in New York just because itís got ďenergy and dynamismĒ? Iím truly interested in that? What makes a robot crave those things moreso than routine work? Why does the robot like art so much? Delving into the preferences of robots might have led in fun directions as well, especially when comparing them to a human who did not like art.

It seems like you could have gotten more value for the words you spent but instead you told the easy story.

Captain Moonlite and the Blue Forest Dragon by Wrageowrapper

Your representation of the Australian accent is too over the top. 1920s 16-year-old playing pretend is a bit of a stretch, though I do like stories of kids just being kids. And after finishing, meh, I just donít believe it. Neither is the narrative from beyond the grave explained.

A mid-teens kid acting like he is 10 or 11, using words like eviscerated, but talking in a slang that isnít consistent. The idea is a good explanation as to why anyone would attack a cassowary with a club. You definitely didnít need 1300 words to tell this story though. Thereís not much conflict before the bird appears either. Itís a lot of words based on pretend fighting that doesnít actually contribute to the narrative. At least in no way that I can see.

Iím sorry I donít have more to say about this, but I donít find your prose worth examining since itís in a pseudo-dialect and I donít like but donít want to judge because I am not Australian.

Aug 2, 2002




New td mascot?

Apr 30, 2006
In with Find Out What Went Down When We Were In the Studio for A loving Eternity in Montenegro.

Mar 22, 2013

it's crow time again

Still time left to jump in if you want to use any of these:

A Chinese Hooker's Guide To Iraq
A Buddhist Pirate's Travels In Iran
Halloween With Stalin And A Polynesian Programmer
Next Month, Dick Cheney Spends Passover With A Needle, Space Blasting Gutter Glitter
I Began Life As A Foe Of The Yakuza
Space Blasting Lsd In The Studio With Bill Clinton

Apr 12, 2006


Dec 17, 2003

Stand down, men! It's only smooching!

Hey thunderdome, can someone link the prompt this week? There's, uh, a lot of bolded words in a lot of posts.

Mar 22, 2013

it's crow time again

Sitting Here posted:

Hundreds of authors. Thousands of stories. Over 4 million words. The blood the blood the bloo

Thunderdome 2012
Thunderdome 2013
Thunderdome 2014
Thunderdome 2015


Dec 17, 2003

Stand down, men! It's only smooching!

wow i'm an idiot. these things always change, these things never change.

Dec 17, 2003

Stand down, men! It's only smooching!

Also can I still sign up? Put me in.

anime was right
Jun 27, 2008

death is certain
keep yr cool
fun fact that link wasn't updated last week so it didnt actually work

Feb 25, 2014

anime was right posted:

fun fact that link wasn't updated last week so it didnt actually work


Mar 22, 2013

it's crow time again

that's why you don't let a goofball hipster make your OP

anime was right
Jun 27, 2008

death is certain
keep yr cool
ugh, plaid and rain and coffee. so gross.

*steps away from mirror*

Hammer Bro.
Jul 7, 2007


Quidnose posted:

Also can I still sign up? Put me in.

Yeah I'm 0 for 2 on the signing up to the prompt blind game.

Pick a headline from here and write 1,500 words about it. It does not have to be from the perspective of a news reporting agency. It's due whenever Tyrannosaurus closes up shop in New York on Sunday.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007

anime was right posted:

fun fact that link wasn't updated last week so it didnt actually work

I accidentally linked the results post instead of the prompt post right below it you unrelenting tittybabies, learn to scroll down

you're all welcome to try to fight me about it instead of taking up space with your feeble pisswords

anime was right
Jun 27, 2008

death is certain
keep yr cool

Sitting Here posted:

I accidentally linked the results post instead of the prompt post right below it you unrelenting tittybabies, learn to scroll down

you're all welcome to try to fight me about it instead of taking up space with your feeble pisswords

im gonna point some evolutionary scientists towards your per-neanderthal brain because i found a missing link.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007

anime was right posted:

im gonna point some evolutionary scientists towards your per-neanderthal brain because i found a missing link.


anime was right
Jun 27, 2008

death is certain
keep yr cool
this is why i never win thunderdome

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007

anime was right posted:

this is why i never win thunderdome

ffs lou you can't get anything right

Feb 25, 2014
stop being mean to lou :angry:

The Cut of Your Jib
Apr 24, 2007

you don't find a style

a style finds you

In with Find Out What Went On When We Were Undercover for 48 Hours in Ukraine

a friendly penguin
Feb 1, 2007

trolling for fish

More crits:

How it stands there by Horrible Butts

This story sounds (at least after the first few paragraphs) as if itís trying to be poetic and have a rhythm. I canít quite pin the rhythm down though. And the images you try to elicit are at once both specific and yet unhelpful in telling the story. Iím not even sure I can tell what sort of plot this story is trying to have.

I wouldnít say that every story needs a plot, but without one itís very easy for someone to read it and ask, ďwhatís the point?Ē And that is what I find myself asking with this. I donít get a clear sketch of a character or action and even the setting, though obvious, is still pretty generic.

I got lost in several places and itís not a long piece, so that takes talent. I want to like some of your sentences. I want to get lost in the sound of your story, but none of them actually work with one another. Some of them look like they might go somewhere, but when you put them all together, they donít make a cohesive whole. I think reading this out loud would have gone a long way toward helping you see this. And that works for all types of writing.

The first few paragraphs, though they arenít that great either, at least were cohesive and I thought I could count on them to carry me through the story, but unfortunately the rest of it does not match. The narrative type changes and though that might be due to the characterís possible death (multiple deaths?) Iím not positive on that, so itís difficult to understand that as an argument.

The Book of Kevin by Overwined

Where do I start? I didnít like this at all. You obviously werenít going for complete biblical verbiage, but it was still jarring the first few times that you broke from it. And itís still inconsistent. None of your internal objectives are met, not even the counseling part. I donít really appreciate any of the characterization in the story and definitely didnít need to read about someone making GBS threads in a barís bathroom in order to know more about them (especially since I donít think it works toward a particular sin).

And you miss the biggest goal of all, which was to write a fable that teaches a moral lesson. What even was it supposed to be? There is no way that this story is going to teach anyone to be virtuous. In the story or out of the story. Not only because without the word of God directly speaking to Kevin, no oneís ever going to realize that God is responsible for the punishment but also because even though he's pretty far up on the heavenly totem pole, Lotís still not that pious a dude, though God seems to be okay with him.

Sometimes I get irrationally irritated at stories and then I critique far harder than is probably necessary. This is likely one of those times. Really didnít like it. The format was probably a good idea but execution was a 0.

The Crescent of Fate by Black Griffon

Well, thank you for not making me slog through 1500 words like the last guy. I actually like this better than The Book of Kevin. In less than 70 words you are already teaching people a lesson about time management. Sins come in many different forms and donít necessarily have to be done in contrast to anyoneís dictates but our own. And you can tell that this submission had merit because it didnít lose, nor did it DM.


Exile by HaitianDivorce

Improper use of a colon in your second sentence. ďask [for] a better companionĒ in 3rd paragraph. Sentences are stilted. No flow. Iím halfway (I think) through this and I have no idea where I am or how I got here (probably similar to your main character). There is already so much wrong with this. I donít think you thought this story out in its entirety. Time just disappears, food and water appear, nothing is happening physically or mentally with this character.

Lots of improper colon use. What do you think a colon is for? What is even happening? You gloss over all of the interesting parts that could possibly be in this storyÖ

Okay, those were thoughts in the midst of reading. Now that Iíve finishedÖ
Learn how to use colons!
What is the sin? What is the lesson? What has anyone learned here?
There could have been action in this story. There could have been introspection in this story. There could have been any sort of conflict at all. But there wasnít.
Only after having read the losing story from this week can I understand why this one didnít lose. It at least made an attempt at originality.

This story is mostly frustrating because you could have taken it in so many directions. You could have developed so many different aspects. You could have told us even one piece of backstory and it would have been much better. But you didnít. Itís a shell of a story.

Gravitation by Chexoid

This story is definitely more what I was expecting for the stories after reading this weekís prompt, so thank you for that. Your story is charming and simply told in the way that fables are, with readers not questioning the basic premise of the story. Your set up is good. You give the reader everything they need in order to know where they are in the story. They know the players, the rules and you take it from there.

After that itís all in the execution which could have been better. Your sentences are a little clunky. You could streamline them a lot and I think that would fit the mode of this story better. Youíre missing apostrophes in a few places and mix up a pronoun or two. Proofreading and reading aloud will help you with these things.

Finally, your moral is spelled out in a way that makes it lose efficacy. Fables are usually pretty blunt about their point, but for some reason this seems almost too much of a lecture. I think a little more time with this and it could be a usable entry in an anthology of fables.

The Horse, the Worm and, the Sloth by Mike Works

I have questions after reading this story. Good questions like ďwho am I that I am nothing like Philip Rain?Ē and ďwhat exactly is the relationship between the two stories sandwiched around one another?Ē

You set a very simple scene but yet itís bursting with meaning and works very well for your narrative. Basically everything is simple except for the concepts behind all of the simplicity. Iím still thinking through everything. Iíve even reread some parts and am making new connections.

Iím sorry that you didnít get more critiques at the time of your writing, especially since this received an HM. But it didnít win which means that there are ways to improve. I can only give you the few things that I can see in that vein though. There were a few typos that would be caught on another read through. And there are a few aspects of your world that might have needed to be included for it to feel whole: the possible lives of others who are like Philip Rain, a little more background in the parenthetical story, and perhaps a little more explanation of this world of grey and white.

But I really appreciate this story.

A Girlís Best Friend by monkeyboydc

Your story tries too hard to explain itself. Itís almost as if you were telling your story and then the further you got along you realized that it wasnít very obvious what ďsinĒ there was in this story so you tried to explain it with a lot of extra words rather than weaving it throughout the story in many tiny ways. And you could easily have done that too. You created another world with several interactable characters (though none of the characters have any character to them) and these interactions could and should have done the explaining.

Iím not quite lured into suspension of disbelief here. I am happy to go along with you into forests and other worlds inside of an abandoned house. I am happy for Claire to age on her journey. But for some reason Iím not willing to go so far as to believe she didnít need food and drink and to go piss. But that may just be me. And had details been different I might not have noticed that even.

I think itís good that you set up the mystery of the mysterious bird/woman at the beginning and then told the story of how it got there afterward, but your break needed something to make a connection. Initially it just felt like you started a second story. Eventually it became clear that they were related, but it was still jarring.

I also donít think that this story is relatable to modern day humans in the world in which we live. There is no lesson here that we can take with us through life. Thereís no didactic moment. And thatís what works the least about this story.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007
WEEK 209 CRITS, ingrates

Yeah, these are my live impressions of your stories from week 209. Many of you saw these as I was writing them. They are very candid, and in some cases sparse. I was varying degrees of drunk throughout writing these. So if you think I didn't give your piece a fair shake, hit me up and I'll do my best to answer any questions you might have. IRC or SA PMs are the best way to do that, though I also keep an eye on the fiction advice thread if you want to talk shop over there.

Bonus feature, all of the weird poo poo goons wrote on my doc wtf guys


You first paragraph doesnít fill me with a lot of optimism. Thereís a typo in the second sentence, and I feel like Iím getting suckerpunched by a bunch of ideas at once. I feel sort of startled awake. Like, NO YOU CANíT WAKE ME UP I WAS IN THE DEPOSIT UNDERGROUND AND THE ARMBAND WAS HELPING ME.

Soldiering on.

Tense shifts all over the place. Second person is a challenging POV to write in, so youíve got to be very clear and spot on with stuff like tense. I mean, you should always be clear with that stuff, but the POV and the meandering tense give this a very off-kilter feeling, and not in a good way.

Yeah ok this protag is wearing some sort of evil fitbit but letís talk about cereal for 400 words

ďThis was boring, you thoughtĒ OH MY GOD HOW DID YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING

The prose level here is...not great. The blocking--the placement of characters and objects in the scene--is really clumsy, like you have a clear image in your head and are only approximating it in your words. It would help if you read your own writing out loud.

Iím following the plot so far, but itís hidden behind a lot of bizarre and tedious ďactionĒ so this story is coming dangerously close to losing my attention.

Aaaand then you pasted your story in twice for some reason. How did you not catch that on a preview? Kaishai pointed out to me (way after judging) that if you look very closely, this story does kind of capture the perspective of a caveman being painfully forced to act like a modern human. Unfortunately, the execution didn't match up with the concept.



Prediction: this will have tight descriptions but a fairly thin plot, and try to do a bunch of character things that would be better suited for a novel. Pls prove me wrong.

Mhmm, Iím enjoying Hisakoís general competence and her commitment to this rivalry, but this whole thing better not be a race.

Iím a little disappointed that my initial prediction was spot-on. I liked that this ended on an upbeat note, and technically it was really clear and tight. But as soon as the narration tells me Ghost is guiding Hisako with her taillights, I was like ďoh, rivals are going to become friends and team upĒ. Not bad, but not exactly earth-shattering flash fiction. This would work as a scene in a longer piece.

Iím really disappointed how the ďcheesemongerĒ part of your prompt was used. It felt pretty tacked on, even though you couldíve done a lot of interesting stuff with it, even within the premise of the story. Oh well.


I guess I like the hook and the banter. I felt a little disgruntled when Anna forced a landing when she's aboard a sentient vehicle. So youíve made me care about your protagonistís autonomy. Pls donít gently caress it up.

Huh, well this sort of derailed in a big smoldering jumble. I guess Anna just...gave up fighting Huey? Or something?

I don't think the conclusion of this story was very satisfying. Realistically, I donít think Anna would try the same flight aboard a sentient aircraft that was not cooperative. Iím not entirely sure what the ending suggests. That they found a way to coexist? That Anna has given up her career and just rides Huey around to various inspiring locations? IDK.

Side note: I didn't like the brackets you used for the autopilot. That's more of a nitpick. I think italics work just as well, though that is purely my opinion.

a friendly penguin

Iím...tentatively okay with this premise so far. Some sort of touring lounge act, and one of the musicians or w/e feels bad that heís living in luxury while poverty stares mournfully through the gates, or something. He better not just sit in the bar and mope about it, though.

...Okay i guess I think the whole ďeverything is beautifulĒ bit is a little bit saccharine, but I like when Ken is instantly like, ďuh no we donít need a white savior tyvmĒ. Still, this is feeling a bit heavy and soapboxy. Youíve set the situation up, now please expand or subvert it in a cool way tia

Okay, this wasÖ.75% satisfying? I think it needed to be more subtle, but that was the best way to end it.


Nitpick: how is a mass of writhing skulls ďformlessĒ??? Donít be lazy with your words IMO. Dig deep.

The first three paragraphs are a little heavy on like, ďhaha this is HELL only wacky and bureaucratic.Ē

This is amusing but whatís-his-face protag demon guy is like...he's all impotent bluster in the face of people who clearly just do not have the time. It got a little bit tiresome after a while. Like, I need his character to do more than be out of touch with modern hell culture, or whatever.

So Iím reading this, and I can see the scrollbar thing is almost to the end of the story, and Iím really getting worried itís only going to be more banter. Pls assuage my worries, o anonymous writer.


So this whole story leads up to the HILARIOUS revelation that a mighty undefeatable demon is being given a janitor job. I dunno man, I dunno. The whole premise is that a guy thinks heís cool and tough, but is actually lame and useless. You must've done something right though, because one judge had this on their HM list.


I think your third paragraph is...not quite a flashback, but itís referring to the last job the protag and his partner were on. The tense makes it seem like the stuff with the ring and etc is happening in the ďpresentĒ of the story, but since Kleio is dead, thatís impossible. Something to watch out for. Or maybe the protag is just reflecting on how he wished heíd given her the ring before she died, but as written, itís not totally clear. Either way, the reminiscing is phrased in a way that takes me away from the immediate conflict, which is: someone has a contract out on a dead assassin.

FINALLY. He accepts the contract on his dead (ďĒĒdeadĒĒĒ) loved one. I didnít reeeeally need the recap on her death; you couldíve done that more gracefully, or just assumed that weíd get the gist. But okay, carrying on.

This got fairly magical and ďwoah manĒ pretty fast. Kleioís dead! Only, no sheís not. Here she is! Iím having trouble visualizing this big magical storm sheís caught in. The way you describe it makes it seem both frozen like a photograph and turbulent like a storm. Not sure if thatís intentional or not.

Oh okay, so they end up in the magical Matrix together. This is one of those stories that sets up a conflict, then immediately sidesteps the conflict and runs face-first into a wall instead. Like, based on the beginning, I couldnít have even remotely projected that they would both end up in some inexplicable magical storm matrix thing. I donít even know how Amon FOUND Kleio. He just does, and then sheís like, ďcome trip like iím trippin babyĒ and heís like ďokayĒ and then the end.

Maybe the girl at the end isnít even Kleio, but actually I donít really care.


Hmm, another werewolf monk? This feels really familiar. I am 100% sure this is a continuation of a story I read in week 200, so Iím going to read it that way.

Oh dang, Thomas has moved up in the world, being considered for abbot. This would not be nearly as interesting if I hadnít read the first story, but alright go on then.

Okay, I finished this without feeling the need to stop for commentary. Thatís good. Iím a fan of Thomas the Werewolf but I think all(both) of his stories would work better in a longer work. You had no word count this week, so like, why not expand this?

The best part of this was the scene where Thomas soothes the wounded deer instead of killing it. And then when it dies anyway, he eats it. That was cool, but itís the kind of thing thatís more meaningful when weíve spent more time with the character. I would read about his hunt for the god of animals, though.


So hereís the thing. Iím a short way into this story, and I think the premise is very sweet. A ghost wants to throw a party for his very old, still-living friend. But thereís got to be an obstacle bigger than ďtheyíre ghostsĒ, or they have to confront that obstacle in a super interesting way. I hope this story does one or both of those things.

Not a super huge fan of the way the narrative is just sort of telling me the rules of ghosts.

This was one of those stories that sort of made up the logic to support its plot as the words went on. Like, THIS happened because of THIS thing about ghosts. In the end, Iím happy two friends are reunited in ghostland, I guess, but itís like you felt like you had to explain the how and why of it in the most sterile terms possible. This was ultimately sweet, but a little clumsy.


ffs goons why do you like to write about donald trump so much

Um, i donít know if male bees have stingers (a quick google suggests no, they donít). In fact, i think that bee just put his penis in trump.

This is...kind of dumb on so many levels. It requires 1) that I donít know anything about bees (only kind of true) 2) that i feel the same about donald trump as the author (probably true, but that doesnít make it a fantastic story) and 3) that the idea of some magical conversation between trump and a bee that results, ironically, in trump crying will amuse me. The answer is: I guess??? But it doesnít make for great flash fiction.


Oh boy, almost 5K *cracks knuckles*

Okay, I instantly like the premise here. Itís weird and Iím interested to find out how/why this boy has a shadow that can be stolen by a skunk.

ďThe world is not at all kind to impossible thingsĒ quotable quote

Haha well this took a turn for the ridiculous, but i like it.

Youíre doing a pretty good job of giving the sense that there is this whimsical, magical world behind the scenes of mundane life, but I hope there isnít too much more of it, if that makes sense. Iím at the point where Iíve got the gist, so now some serious action (ďactionĒ) needs to happen. Itís not quite ďas you know bobĒ, but youíre doing a lot of work to suggest all of these secret connections between seemingly normal people. I like it, but at the same time, i donít want to get tired of it, if that makes sense.

Oh nooooooo youíre explaining it allllllll

I will say, I am enjoying how this story sort of frolics around in its own semi-logic. Like, magic and space travel work exactly how the user needs them to, except where that pesky, unyielding science is concerned. I am starting to feel like the whole shadow theft thing, it seems like this story started out one way, and then quickly spiraled out into something a little different than the tone of the beginning suggested. I thought i was in for some taut suburban magical realism or something, and now Iím getting magical space opera. Iím not mad, but itís something i noticed.

Hmmm well it sure is lucky thereís been an easy solution to every problem so far

So this felt like kind of a very sincere episode of Rick and Morty. Rick and Morty meets like, John Carter, or something. I read the whole thing and was interested, but it had something of a campy serial vibe, which worked at some points and didnít work as well at others. Iím impressed that you wrote almost 5K and kept me engaged, though, so good job.


This is a pretty trip, but itís spent a long time riffing on WHO AM I?! And not adding a whole lot to the handful of ingredients we got in the beginning. I mean, as a description of ego death or something, it works, but so far Iím waiting for something to change up the feel of the piece.

Okay so, while the writing was pretty good, Iím generally not a fan of plots that hinge on ďcharacter remembers/thinks/feels [thing], and then everything is okay. Like, this kid(?) who, as necessitated by the plot, doesnít know anything about themselves decides that itís probably better not to die and instead live on to discover who they are and why theyíre in the forest. Thatís all well and good, but you had no word limit, so Iím really disappointed that this story didnít move beyond this one situation and into an exploration of who the character is and why theyíre alone.

It doesnít really tell me anything new about life, memory, or identity. It sort of just is what it is, which is a bunch of pleasant words about no one.


Okay this character is like Conan the Barbarian meets Rorschach. Which could be good, maybe?

Mostly whatís carrying me through this is curiosity about this tyrantís ďloveĒ.

Ah so the tyrant is perhaps not the total villain he seems to be.

Right so, the ending is almost forcefully uplifting. The tyrant lives on with his love as a benevolent whaledude. Itís frustrating because like, this story is made up of moments that should be satisfying, but because Iím thrown into what is clearly the climactic moment of a longer story, it doesnít feel particularly earned. Like, this mysterious ďprojectĒ somehow turns people into whales.

Again, no word count, so why not flesh this out more?


Thank you for not opening with donald j trump

Iím kind of into the mundane absurdity of the white house being beholden to an HOA

Ouch and then it gets really cynical for a sec, re: shot up daycare. Maybe Iím just a big baby, but i feel like that detail adds an unnecessary bite to this story. Like, i get it, but at the same time, i dunno. This doesnít read like a story thatís meant to be a sharp reminder of the horrors of gun violence, so itís a weird detail to add in so incidentally.

Oh actually, this has kind of veered off into cartoonish cynicism

Okay weíre back in parody town. I dunno. The tone of this is weird. I donít hate it though.

The last line of the story really sums up ďthe jokeĒ. I feel like whoever wrote this didnít trust themselves to get The Joke across.



ďDigging some courage from her bowelsĒ is a weird turn of phrase but okay. I kind of like the tension of this situation, since itís twofold: will the protag bone her teacher? And what does he actually want?

IÖ.I really cannot go along with the logic that, because someone is deft with an instrument, they would be good at surgery. I mean, Isabella seems to share my disbelief, but i just canít believe anyone would ever think this was a good idea.

Valdez is horrible AND crazy. I guess Iím into this, even if I think the rationale is dumb.



Okay then

Thereís a feeling to this like, ďyou know this thing that seemed good? Actually itís bad and sinister.Ē and then the story sort of just leaves you with that and walks away.

BEAR-Y MY DICK IN THE NATIONíS rear end in a top hat

Brb getting more drnk

I guess i shouldíve foreseen political satire being the Thing this week

Or should i say BEARSEEN har har har No


American politics are broken also bears are adorable


So, I read this all in one go, and the feelings are right, and the writing is right, but something about it doesnít hang together. Then, when I looked at the flashrule, I was like, ah, okay. Itís not that the motivation wasnít clear from the prose, it was just muddled in a way that Iím struggling to put my finger on. I think it has something to do with the second scene, in which it seems that Maya has discovered sheís pregnant in a flashback. I think whatís happening is, Tom is berating her for not taking advantage of her success as a stuntwoman/actor? Itís not entirely clear from that scene what their precise relationship is (are they co-actor and co-director? Just costars? Some other combo of those things?) and whether Tom knows sheís preggers. The ending suggests yeah, he did, so itís pretty cruel of him to chastise her for backing away from her career.

I think what is giving me a fuzzy read on this story is that there are all of these little elements to it. And like, I appreciate the attention to detail. The writing is solid. But youíve got the sort of ethical question of filming these stunt-heavy, found footage films with your own daughter (meaning sheís stuck in the set trailer listening to you have arguments with her colleague). And youíve got Tomís dickishness regarding the pregnancy, which he may or may not know about? And then youíve got the issue of performing a dangerous stunt while pregnant. Maya seems set on backing away from her career to look after her kid(s), but then she goes and makes this big, dramatic gesture to...I guess show Tom what-for? Iím still kinda sleepy while writing this crit, but something about all of the feelings and motivations swirling together made it hard to feel like I had a good grasp on why the characters did each thing they did.

LOL I had no clue the daughter was supposed to be a hallucination. After you told me that, it changed my perception of the story significantly. I wish you'd made it just a little more clear.

The Cut of Your Jib

Iíve never seen food service described so jauntily.

I mean yeah who doesnít ninja it up a little on their work breaks? I guess this is normal since the rear end in a top hat dude doesnít seem particularly concerned that she could be hurt. Man what an rear end in a top hat. Iíll bet heís the bad guy.

Well this was mostly fun. I donít know if I particularly feel like Gordie, who is mostly just an idiot, deserved shoe soup. Katie seems good at her job, but at the same time, her preoccupation with circus tricks would be somewhat of a liability. Still, the writing danced along in a way that worked well with Katieís character. I could see every scene really clearly. Itís easy to make stories about everyday jobs kind of tedious and boring, but the descriptions throughout were written in a way that pulled the eye along.

I smiled when I looked at the flashrule. You did a good job of incorporating both. One of your characters was very straightforward, and the other was more subtle. I think that was a good choice that let the piece retain some realism while still waltzing around in its mildly ridiculous premise.


Some early typos tsk tsk

But no seriously, why the makeup? Iím not sure a PI would be terribly effective if they were painted up in clown makeup all of the time. Unless they only took the wackiest of cases i guess. Hmmm.

I donít know if you can just google a license plate and find a car in real time.

Ah, the olí "act like a cowering clown and steal the keys and gun" routine. Truly, this private investigator thought ahead.

Okay this was kind of silly. It was paced well and like, the action was all really clear. But the logic of it, and the big reveal at the end, were sort felt like an idiot plot i guess. Meaning, everyone in the story had to make some sort of dumb decision for the story to work. Bozo is probably the only non-idiot, but heís also a man inexplicably wearing clown makeup. I know, I know, your flashrule, but you spent words having Allen ask about it, and it never comes up again.


Vatican intrigue and an alien cardinal, cool iím intrigued.

Haha, this story sort of begs the question in the best way. This alien wants mass to be broadcast in his home language, but how did they make contact in the first place? Why would they want to adopt a human religion? Iím glad youíre not battering me over the head with worldbuilding. Itís just fun to muse over as Iím reading.

Iím really liking the way that BRV (not typing his full name) sort of livens up every scene just by virtue of being a luminescent membrane. Iím also a sucker for fleshy dudes who communicate via color. I really like octopuses. Anyway. Carry on.

Iím torn on the speeches. On the one hand, theyíre a pretty credible sort of debate on the merits of conservatism vs embracing something that is perhaps dangerously new. On the other hand, it comes off as a little pontificating, but then, thatís kind of hilarious given the context. I think it works, but I reflexively went ooooh nooo when i saw the big chunks of dialog coming. That might be a symptom of reading too much thunderdome, though.

POPE DUEL :black101:

This alienís conception of the virgin is really cool.

Oh my god itís a magical pope duel

This went from being interesting to being pretty dang cool

I like how the virgin mary doesnít actually get involved in this battle. Itís set up to seem like thereís going to be some magical intersession because BRV is so pure of faith~ but in reality he just uses the churchís own iconography against his rival. It works because like...when you already have your characters locked in what is, for all intents and purposes, a magical battle, adding something even more magical/spiritual is like adding more frosting onto a fully-frosted cake. So having BRV use a mundane (ďmundaneĒ, he is an alien after all) trick to get the other dude to yield was a good way to end the battle.

The ending was good, plot-wise, but the last couple paragraphs felt a little sterile. I donít know if the dry, historical tone was the best way to end on, but overall this was a really nice read.


Hmmm, creatures made of sound or song is something Iíve always wanted to play around with in fiction, so letís see how you do.

So I am pretty affectionate toward the idea of something foreign and incomprehensible who just wants to touch and feel, and in the process of doing so, accidentally causes harm. I think what this needed is more action in the ďhumanĒ segments of the story. On a purely mundane level, this is about a woman who hears this all-consuming music and sort of drifts away from her partner and into dementia. There is so much poetic description, but there needs to be some grounding action. Even something like, I dunno, Van and the nameless POV character trying to accomplish banal chores, or something. The best example of what Iím talking about is when sheís like, ďthe neighbor needs to turn down the music,Ē because it gave a pretty concrete illustration of how sheís being affected by these(this?) beings (being?).

The ending feels really inevitable. I wish thereíd been more of a ďfightĒ so to speak. There isnít a formula for like, the ratio of abstract description vs concrete description, but this definitely needed more of one and less of the other. The alien perspective was convincingly alien, buuuuuut the human perspective was also very alien and it was hard to find my footing at times.

Thinking about it more, I wish the POV character had reacted more uh, actively to her situation. Like, when she talks about not hearing words so much as vibes and vibrations, I almost wanted to see this character branch out and try to interact with a world that, to her, is dissolving into this sort of alien cacophony. How would she see people? What might she notice about them in her altered state of mind? You hint at it, but couldíve delved into it further.


I havenít felt much need to break for commentary so far, but I smiled at the bottle of booze stashed in the librarianís desk. Itís just really charming in a weird way.

ďWhy not go for brokeĒ is a question i wish more characters asked themselves this week.

Well this was fun. The only issue is, there isnít a sense of any real danger from the outside? Like, the police chief shows up eventually, but I was sort of envisioning a standoff between a bunch of bookworms and the national guard, or something. It puts me in this weird situation where like, Iím happy for the characters and interested in what theyíre doing, but it seems like the real climactic conflict would happen a couple beats AFTER where this story ends.

I definitely didnít want to read about a standoff like the one that took place in Oregon, but I mean, I feel like seizing government property (and creating a trending hashtag about it) would ruffle a lot of peopleís feathers. Iím not sure what I wanted to happen, but I wouldíve liked to see a bit more of the world outside of the library I guess? It felt very interior.

I thought it was :3 that they had air rifles and not real firearms. There was definitely a safe, cozy feeling to this. Which, for the reasons I mentioned above, both worked and didnít work.



The beginning of this is well done. Introduce a quaint folksy setting like a county fair, then, with a straight face, you introduce us to DOCTOR KILOTON. Who comes complete with a white cat that he strokes evilly.

Ooookay now theyíre spending too much time telling each other about their old exploits. I get it, they were nemeses who did a bunch of James Bond movie antics.

Boy this quickly turned into you explaining the plot to me as itís happening

Huh well that was a thing. Itís not really a good thing when youíre protag is sort of standing in place while a villain (ex or otherwise) explains whoís doing what, how theyíre doing it, why theyíre doing it, and what the history of the whole situation is. I wanted to see more realistic interplay between the two main characters, but the vibe you set up in the beginning didnít really carry through.

Side note, and this has nothing to do with you, but i feel like 9/10 times there is a story about a contest at a county fair, the protag doesnít win but does learn a valuable lesson about friendship, or at least resigns themselves to some consolation prize. I think thatís yet another symptom of reading too many TD stories, though.


This is fun but itís getting rather aimless. Magical tax collectionÖ wait, ridiculous antics in a fragmented pocket dimension. Maybe you can bring it back around but Iím suspicious of this plot, i think it might be drunk.

I think terry gilliam might be a goon

Every scene change leaves me with a resounding ďyeah ok why notĒ


I donít think this is a good metaphor for procrastination tbh. No one procrastinated, it was more like they meandered through the authorís whimsy until the story was over. At least it was funny.

I got kind of excited when mary was like ďyou need to audit realityĒ, and in a story where the author hadnít blatantly been like ďgently caress itĒ, that would be a pretty cool premise. (note: as I was critiquing this, I was about 90% sure it was Sebmojo, which isn't an awful comparison, although this would be mojo on one of his ramblier days)


Another crime-solving clown? Okay. At least this clown seems really committed to his gimmick, as opposed to being a PI with some makeup on inexplicably. I laughed at the jokes in the beginning.

Oh ho ho. The clown is not just a clown. You see, he knows bubbles float up.

Aaaand suddenly heís got the bad guy at his mercy. Why bother to explain how that happened? Heís a clown of many talents so we can just go ahead and assume that he used them in such a way as to make the plot happen. No need to show it, youíve already told us that this guy can do basically anything.

Uh ????? I guess weíre left to assume Limbo smothered the guy. This is a weird little story. Technically all the events happen in order, but I feel like Iím seeing snippets from a longer story. Thereís no real conflict or peril. I mean, obviously these gangsters tried to kill the clown, and the clown obviously is trying to kill Pisani, but these things are all so glossed over they seem almost incidental. Which sounds weird to say, given that theyíre the whole of the plot, but it just doesnít hang together. I donít really know how or why anything happens, so it reads like a bunch of disjointed scenes.


You really carried the lilting, fable-like tone of this piece through the whole thing, which was well done. I donít have much to critique.

The ending feels right, but itís not quite as tight as it wants to be. Thereís this idea of and tradition at the expense of fellowship. Which is a good, subtle topic to explore. I just think the conversation at the end could be tweaked a little to drive that home? Iím not reallly sure what Iím looking for.

Overall this was tight and good.

Bad Seafood

Not sure how I feel about this so far. We know Moiraís about to do something big and flashy, but youíre playing coy with it and giving a lot of backstory. This kind of chronological back and forth works better in movies, IMO, but you havenít lost me yet.

Iím kind of loling at the idea of parents who would rather their child be a musician than a pilot. In what universe is it not respectable to be a talented pilot? Thatís a highly skilled job. I reckon itís meant to be the setup for whatever big artsy thing that Moiraís about to do, but itís not the most credible motivation.

So moira does the thing and chooses to stay anonymous, literally flying off into the sunset. I guess itís meant to be kind of a cathartic gently caress YOU MOM AND DAD moment. Or, if not that, then itís supposed to suggest that Moira is content with her skills and chooses to forgo recognition because of that. Either way, the story feels very linear. Not narratively--it jumps around a lot--but in terms of characterization. Thereís no real change in Moiraís character. The change is in the reader, when we have to adjust our expectations, since it becomes clear that Moira was never interested in the fame or glory or whatever.


Are dragging me away help

Okay, so I was weirdly preoccupied with the imaginary pingpong ball for a while. I thought that was going to be a story thing, but i guess itís just what bored, well-meaning little demons do when theyíre not trying to ďhelpĒ people. Not sure.

Otherwise, this was a cool, alien view into family tragedy. Clearly this household is hosed, but our little friend is only vaguely aware of that.

What Iím left wondering is, whatís the demonís exact effect here? It seems like he might have something to do with Meredithís evident depression, but itís not clear if everything in the story is a result of his misguided interference. Still, hereís fairly likeable in spite of the fact that he doesnít speak much and his presence is vaguely sinister.


This story broke SH, ha


Shouldnít it be ďthe flautistĒ

Nvm, both are acceptable

Omg this is the best I Donít Even Own A Television episode ever and everyone should listen to it

Too many trees. Too few trees.

One time I was a kid and I was at the zoo and this huge bird took a dump right on my dadís head and mind you this was not one of those small bird dumps, not like the little white stuff, no. This was like antelope grade but it came from a bird. And this big scary guy was helpless and covered in bird poo poo and crying and god drat itís good to be alive.


Whatís up everybody Iím TYPING. This document is officially a party. Erogenous Beef can eat a sandwich or some cake.

Boop a doop, schmoop a loop.

One day there was a Moose called Beckinsale. The Moose was like ďI want to go to the shopsĒ but it couldnít fit through the door, so it went home and killed its entire family.

This is why Thunderdome canít have nice things.



If youíre comin at me son, you betta step strong. My poo poo is always calculated never get it wrong, so add it up son, Ďfore I subtract you from the earth, divide your body into bits put them shits in a hearse, my poo poo is radical, like the square root of three. More meticulous than calculus or trigonometry.And Iíll always be on top, cuz I always want more. I want the whole pi, from before? And with the rhymes I spit, so motherfucking complex, get below me son, Iím sittin on the vertex, and thatís where Iím gonna be til the day that I die, making money look imagined just like a+bi. This is the math rap so step back if ur whack, or imma bout to take a poo poo all up ur napsack so get set, you will never best me, Iím the best Thunderdome has to offer, B.

Jan 12, 2012

Tr*ckin' and F*ckin' all the way to tha

in with

13 Reasons Why Lebanon is the Seediest Place in the World

take the moon
Feb 13, 2011

by sebmojo


me and sh, someone step up to judge. either sh or the judge can say that this is story 1 of my Blood Geis

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007



me and sh, someone step up to judge. either sh or the judge can say that this is story 1 of my Blood Geis

lol if someone wants to dignify this by judging, be my guest maybe we can have some fun lols

Dec 15, 2006

b l o o p



me and sh, someone step up to judge. either sh or the judge can say that this is story 1 of my Blood Geis

Sitting Here posted:

lol if someone wants to dignify this by judging, be my guest maybe we can have some fun lols

I have to go back to school in a week and a half. Share my misery.

500 words on the end of summer

Due Tuesday, September 6th, 3 PM Pacific.

I await your :toxx:es

E: Due to length, vignettes are acceptable, but MAKE THEM GOOD.

curlingiron fucked around with this message at 05:47 on Aug 27, 2016

Apr 12, 2006

Sign ups closed! Give me good stories!

take the moon
Feb 13, 2011

by sebmojo

curlingiron posted:

I await your :toxx:es


Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Dec 17, 2003

Stand down, men! It's only smooching!

Can a prompt be given to me? I thought a prompt was gonna be given to me. I can generate until I like one, but, someone give me one.

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