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Filox
Oct 3, 2014



Grimey Drawer

hogmartin posted:

I worked retail back in high school and finally I said "f dealing with these idiots, I'm gonna get a desk job".

So I got a job doing phone support for dial-up internet in 1998.

Small world. 'Cause there was, like, one dial-up internet support guy for the entire world in 1998 and you kept me on hold for six months before I gave up.

New page content: I once had sex. With a human being.

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CROWS EVERYWHERE
Dec 17, 2012

CAW CAW CAW



Dinosaur Gum

Filox posted:



New page content: I once had sex. With a human being.

Hey, you never know, this one could have hap- hahaha no I can't do it

hogmartin
Mar 26, 2007


Filox posted:

Small world. 'Cause there was, like, one dial-up internet support guy for the entire world in 1998 and you kept me on hold for six months before I gave up.

Ugh, sorry about that. Try removing/reinstalling dial-up networks (hope you still have the Windows CD). There are also some modem init codes that we can try, thank you for calling.

CROWS EVERYWHERE
Dec 17, 2012

CAW CAW CAW



Dinosaur Gum

I'm 90% sure only one goon ever has had sex with a human being, and he got demodded for it

oldpainless
Oct 30, 2009

This post brought to you by RAID: SHADOW LEGENDS.
RAID: SHADOW LEGENDS - It's for your phoneTM #ad



Nice

Samizdata
May 14, 2007


Filox posted:

Small world. 'Cause there was, like, one dial-up internet support guy for the entire world in 1998 and you kept me on hold for six months before I gave up.

New page content: I once had sex. With a human being.

Sad. Where's the whole quirky story where you meet (maybe by loaning her a printer), you engage in a mighty battle of wits with an atheist homeless lesbian soldier, and then you let your hair down and take you glasses off, everyone applauds, and you two have the best (and probably only) sex of your life?

evobatman
Jul 30, 2006

it means nothing, but says everything!

Pillbug

I miss the autogenerated STDH retail stories.

FAROOQ
Aug 20, 2014

by Smythe


CROWS EVERYWHERE posted:

I'm 90% sure only one goon ever has had sex with a human being, and he got demodded for it

holy moley

The Sexual Shiite
Apr 11, 2007


CROWS EVERYWHERE posted:

I'm 90% sure only one goon ever has had sex with a human being, and he got demodded for it

Goddamn

MC Nietzche
Oct 26, 2004

by exmarx


CROWS EVERYWHERE posted:

I'm 90% sure only one goon ever has had sex with a human being, and he got demodded for it

Amazing.

However you are forgetting

sweeperbravo
May 18, 2012

AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)


MC Nietzche posted:

Amazing.

However you are forgetting

The key there is

CROWS EVERYWHERE posted:

I'm 90% sure only one goon ever has had sex with a human being

les enfants Terrific!
Dec 12, 2008


There's an entire repository for STDH revenge fantasies!

Mad about littering?



Vandalize their property!


Upset at your parents for reasonably expecting you to take care of your living space?



You sure showed them by doing exactly what they wanted!

Your cat literally doesn't understand any of this!



But congratulations on getting "petty revenge" on an animal, I guess.

Evilreaver
Feb 26, 2007

GEORGE IS GETTIN' AUGMENTED!

Dinosaur Gum

Atasnaya Vaflja posted:


Upset at your parents for reasonably expecting you to take care of your living space?



You sure showed them by doing exactly what they wanted!

Those folks 100% knew their slacker kid was awake.

Khazar-khum
Oct 22, 2008

Cat Army
2nd Battalion


Girls

quote:

My best friend believes his female best friend tries to destroy his love life by giving him bad advice and comments regarding the girls he like so she can date him...despite having rejected him some time ago. This troper likes to believe that she (along with his ex-girlfriend) are plotting against him too.

Coincidences

quote:

Some things That have heppened that I have seen or been told: 1) Two people not only lived in the same town, worked in the same company, but when each moved, without knowing, had moved to within two houses of one another. 2) Someone not making their plane, only to find out that the connector had been canceled and they would have been stranded RIGHT AFTER they bought a new flight the next day. 3) A person's car stalled when they put their foot on the gas. Good thing, too, or they would hev been hit by the ambulance running the lights without its lights/siren on. and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Grandmother

quote:

This troper's retired ex-English teacher grandmother sailed to Greece from England by herself... AFTER having a severe stroke that partially paralysed one arm and one leg. Been to every anti-war march since time immemorial. Once her house was burgled, and an ex-student was the policeman who came to take her statement—but his spelling was so atrocious she refused to sign it until he'd gone back to the station and fixed every error... which he then did. Has burned her own house down twice, wrecked another person's house once, and once climbed in through the second floor bathroom window when this troper's parents were sharing the tub, because she'd forgotten her keys. Top that. I dare you.

Sentient Data
Aug 31, 2011

My molecule scrambler ray will disintegrate your armor with one blow!


quote:

My
It's like they don't even understand why they say "this troper" in the first place

Baba Yaga Fanboy
May 18, 2011



Does anyone have that series of joke STDH where the storyteller always reacts to some slight against him with a terrible pun and then beating the poo poo out of everyone?

3D Megadoodoo
Nov 25, 2010

BENIS


Baba Yaga Fanboy posted:

Does anyone have that series of joke STDH where the storyteller always reacts to some slight against him with a terrible pun and then beating the poo poo out of everyone?

Oh you want those Deadpool scripts?

Khazar-khum
Oct 22, 2008

Cat Army
2nd Battalion


Someone requested more Not Always Right.

Movie

quote:

Acting R-Rated In A PG Movie
MOVIE THEATER | CA, USA | BAD BEHAVIOR, MOVIES & TV, RUDE & RISQUE
(At least one usher is required to stand by the door slightly before the movie ends, to prevent people from going out the emergency exit and setting off the alarm. It is an afternoon showing of a very popular children’s movie, and the entire upper part of the theater is packed with adults and their respective children. The ‘pit’ seats closest to the screen are completely empty, that being too close for most people. I’m scanning the crowd, as the final scene of the movie starts to play, when I notice some arm rests down in the pit have been pushed up. Since we reset them after every show, I head down the steps to see what’s happened, and if there’s going to be any mess to clean up. Laid out across the seats are two teenagers “going at it.” I am shocked, but know the movie is about to end, and an entire slew of children are about to get an eye load when they stand up and the lights come up. I approach the couple, completely at a loss of what to say.)

Me: “Excuse me… can you not?” *not the most professional thing ever, but I have not been trained on how to deal with this*

Boy: *looking up at me, annoyed* “I’m almost finished.”

Me: “Can you not?!”

(I stay crouched right next to their heads, refusing to give them any privacy, though, doing it at a packed performance, I’m not sure privacy is what they were after.)

Girl: “UGH!”

(She pushes the boy off her, and he rolls onto the floor, adjusting his situation and zipping his pants up. She adjusts her skirt, sits up, then walks out of the theater before the movie’s even over.)

Boy: “HMPH!”

(He glared and sat through the entire credits, and didn’t leave until the rest of the usher staff came in. I reported the situation to my managers, but there was nothing we could really do, by then.)


Flight

quote:

Going Off On Flights Of Fancy
BUS COMPANY | REYKJAVIK, ICELAND | CRAZY REQUESTS, CRIMINAL & ILLEGAL
(I work at a sales desk at a bus company and we have to answer the phones as well. We provide an airport shuttle so we follow the landing times at the airport when picking up passengers. One night a woman phones in:)

Me: “[Bus Company]; good evening.”

Customer: “Hi. My friend is flying in from [Country]. When will she be home?”

Me: “Well, according to our information there are two flights coming in today from [Country]. Do you know which airline she is flying with?”

Customer: “No, can’t you look it up for me?”

Me: “No, ma’am. This is a bus company. I have no access to another company’s system, and I am pretty sure that would violate some privacy laws. If you can tell me when you were expecting her, during the day, morning, afternoon, or evening, I could help you make an educated guess, but I still cannot answer for the flight company as I only work for a bus company.”

Customer: “I used to work for your company many years ago and we did this all the time! She is my friend and neighbour! Just look it up for me!”

Me: “I am sorry, ma’am. I really cannot. This company does not have access to passenger lists of other companies nor is it legal even if I had the information.”

(The customer continues with a four-minute rant about poor customer service and this would not have been a problem when she had worked there. I politely suggest that maybe she should take a nice evening stroll over to her friends place and see if she’s home.)

Customer: “Why didn’t I think of that!? Still poor customer service; I still have to get out of my house to be sure!” *slams down phone*

chitoryu12
Apr 23, 2014




I can actually believe this one. The storyteller just keeps saying the same awkward phrase over and over while shoving their head next to a blowjob in action, the management can't do anything about it.

TheMadMilkman
Dec 10, 2007



Atasnaya Vaflja posted:

Upset at your parents for reasonably expecting you to take care of your living space?



You sure showed them by doing exactly what they wanted!

I get so tired of the "I'm taking AP classes" whine. They're not particularly difficult.

Khazar-khum posted:

Grandmother

If this were real, her grandmother would have beaten her six ways from Sunday for writing so poorly.

Stroop There It Is
Mar 11, 2012






chitoryu12 posted:

I can actually believe this one. The storyteller just keeps saying the same awkward phrase over and over while shoving their head next to a blowjob in action, the management can't do anything about it.
It's not a BJ, they're supposedly boning down, which is considerably less believable

chitoryu12
Apr 23, 2014



Stroop There It Is posted:

It's not a BJ, they're supposedly boning down, which is considerably less believable

Okay yeah, good point.

Atmus
Mar 8, 2002


Baba Yaga Fanboy posted:

Does anyone have that series of joke STDH where the storyteller always reacts to some slight against him with a terrible pun and then beating the poo poo out of everyone?

http://forums.somethingawful.com/sh...0#post389773104

tight aspirations
Jul 13, 2009



3D Megadoodoo
Nov 25, 2010

BENIS



And here I thought I was doing my mother a good turn by mowing her lawn.

3D Megadoodoo
Nov 25, 2010

BENIS


Rick_Hunter
Jan 5, 2004

My guys are still fighting the hard fight!
(weapons, shields and drones are still online!)



I expected to see "Robert Hamburger" at the end of every one of those stories.

kimbo305
Jun 9, 2007

He is I, and I am him



The author's Mary Sue can't even correctly bait the opposition in the story:
https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-r...wer/Beth-Peck-2

hyperhazard
Dec 4, 2011

I am the one lascivious
With magic potion niveous

kimbo305 posted:

My regular sitting next to her drat near spit her coffee out! :-))))) It was so peaceful after that exchange! \U0001f602\U0001f602\U0001f602\U0001f602

Jesus christ, she even tried to use emojis.

bulletsponge13
Apr 28, 2010


It seems like a universal rule that only loving morons brag about their IQ.

Khazar-khum
Oct 22, 2008

Cat Army
2nd Battalion


Kiss

]quote]This troper's first-grade teacher loved to put lipsticky kiss marks on all the little boys' cheeks. Sometimes this was for "holiday decoration," like when she used green lipstick on St. Patrick's Day. Other times it was used as punishment for kids who hated it. A few of us refused to be kissed under any circumstances, and learned how to dodge. She stopped doing it halfway through the year, after one particularly stubborn refuser gave her a black eye.
[/quote]

Glock

quote:

This troper has trained in using and caring for several firearms, to the point of being able to make a headshot with a Glock from 20 yards mid-stride (and is drat PROUD of it), all in case this troper is ever in an extreme survival situation (zombies, on run from government, secretly forced into centuries old assassin society, ect.). The current flaw lies in the fact this troper does not own a gun. But seriously, if the poo poo hit the fan, this troper could find one. After all, this troper is a U.S. citizen.

Classmate

quote:

This editor has a classmate at law school who apparently has anything and everything in his bookbag: You need a pen, he has one. Someone else also needs a pen, he takes out a second one. A person needs a red pen, he takes out a red pen. No, wait, you needs a blue pen, here it is. You forget the power adaptor for your computer, he happens to be carrying that exact model of power adaptor with him. A professor once asked if anyone had a print-out of an e-mail she sent us, he takes it out and hands it to her (her response was "I should have seen that coming.") If you say you're hungry, he takes out a bag of jelly babies. The first guess was that he was the Doctor and the bag is his TARDIS but he has demonstrated this is simply because he is crazy-prepared. When a professor was talking about living wills, it turned out this student had one. He then went on to describe it. It covered almost every situation you could think of. It even made several clauses about what should be done if he joined a cult or otherwise was not of sound mind, with notes on how to determine when this had happened. This could explain why he seems to have so many random skills, he's simply prepared in case he needs them.

Non Serviam
Feb 25, 2006

wAstIng 10 bUcks ON an aVaTar iS StUpid

That last one reminds of me this obnoxious rear end in a top hat
https://youtu.be/sqYV-GLnxQU

Tea Bone
Feb 18, 2011

I'm going for gasps.


So what? Like 3 pens, a snack, a print out relevant to the class he's in and a macbook charger? Aren't these all completely normal things to carry in a book bag?

3D Megadoodoo
Nov 25, 2010

BENIS


LIFE HACK



(Although I guess in law school there might be a reason to use a pen instead of a pencil I don't know. I've never been to law school you see.)

3D Megadoodoo
Nov 25, 2010

BENIS


By the way I definitely want the classmate as my lawyer, not that editor.

kimbo305
Jun 9, 2007

He is I, and I am him



Guy on Imgur goes high tech with his "it wasn't me" stories:
http://imgur.com/a/4rZnH

CROWS EVERYWHERE
Dec 17, 2012

CAW CAW CAW



Dinosaur Gum

kimbo305 posted:

The author's Mary Sue can't even correctly bait the opposition in the story:
https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-r...wer/Beth-Peck-2

I "hate" it when people "fail" at "emphasising" things like that

Karma Comedian
Feb 2, 2012

Dr. E/N, PhD



kimbo305 posted:

Guy on Imgur goes high tech with his "it wasn't me" stories:
http://imgur.com/a/4rZnH

404 my friend

kimbo305
Jun 9, 2007

He is I, and I am him



drat, I need to screenshot this stuff. The guy posted a sext selfie of a girl in a low top with a boob hanging out along with a plea for help.
His long caption was (ok, self, you can do this. You've been training forever to write stdh by reading this thread) something like:
----------
DOES ANYONE REMEMBER THIS PICTURE? [posts user-submitted rando nude pic]
Guys, I really need your help.

I was volunteering to upload some training pictures I took at work for our company's Facebook account.
I was outside smoking so I wasn't really paying that much attention, just batch uploading pictures.

But somehow, this picture got uploaded with them! And my girlfriend saw it on Facebook and asked a lot of questions.
I have no idea how this happened. I know I saw this picture posted on usersub. I must have favorited it somehow. [great explanation]

Nobody else has used or touched my phone. Except my brother, but he wasn't uploading any pics.

My girlfriend is very suspicious, so I'm trying to clear my name. I don't know that girl and haven't been cheating.
I'm trying to get anyone else to acknowledge that they saw that picture, too, so my gf will know it has nothing to do with me.
I know how bad this looks BUT I'M COMPLETELY INNOCENT AND HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS. Sorry, I'm getting so upset.

This probably won't work and my gf won't believe me, but I know it's true.

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Bobby Digital
Sep 4, 2009


kimbo305 posted:

drat, I need to screenshot this stuff. The guy posted a sext selfie of a girl in a low top with a boob hanging out along with a plea for help.
His long caption was (ok, self, you can do this. You've been training forever to write stdh by reading this thread) something like:
----------
DOES ANYONE REMEMBER THIS PICTURE? [posts user-submitted rando nude pic]
Guys, I really need your help.

I was volunteering to upload some training pictures I took at work for our company's Facebook account.
I was outside smoking so I wasn't really paying that much attention, just batch uploading pictures.

But somehow, this picture got uploaded with them! And my girlfriend saw it on Facebook and asked a lot of questions.
I have no idea how this happened. I know I saw this picture posted on usersub. I must have favorited it somehow. [great explanation]

Nobody else has used or touched my phone. Except my brother, but he wasn't uploading any pics.

My girlfriend is very suspicious, so I'm trying to clear my name. I don't know that girl and haven't been cheating.
I'm trying to get anyone else to acknowledge that they saw that picture, too, so my gf will know it has nothing to do with me.
I know how bad this looks BUT I'M COMPLETELY INNOCENT AND HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS. Sorry, I'm getting so upset.

This probably won't work and my gf won't believe me, but I know it's true.

I want to believe this did happen because I'm imagining someone pleading to their significant other with "but honey imgur says..."

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