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Bonster
Mar 3, 2007

Keep rolling, rolling

Cash Crab, why don't you have a blue raccoon for your mod star? Is the STDH that you were made a mod? You can tell us.

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Proteus Jones
Feb 28, 2013





Hair Elf

GOTTA STAY FAI posted:

Takeout, breakfast cereal, frozen pizza, ramen, anything with instructions reading "remove film before microwaving"

I (briefly) had an SO in college that ate like that, and one day she invited me over to celebrate an internship that I'd just gotten. Said she'd spent a shitton of time getting everything just right. I get there, and in the middle of her coffee table, flanked by candles, is a serving plate.

I'll give you a chance to guess what this fancypants I-slaved-all-day meal was.

Hamburger Helper

Now I'm no five-star chef, and I've eaten some po-folk/lazy-folk food in my life, but I've never beamed with pride at my ability to brown ground beef and then dump poo poo in the pan. I was floored. At first I thought she was kidding, but nope. If social media had been around back then, there'd definitely be a badly-lit photo of a heaping plate of ground beef box dinner tagged #congratsfai #cookingformyboy #wifeintraining floating around somewhere.

I, too, judge people on their culinary skills.

cash crab
Apr 4, 2015

all the time i am eating from the trashcan. the name of this trashcan is ideology



Bonster posted:

Cash Crab, why don't you have a blue raccoon for your mod star? Is the STDH that you were made a mod? You can tell us.

I'm an Idiot King which means I have half the power and responsibility of a regular mod. Also, I am exempt from the annual Hunger Games-esque event other mods must participate in.

hogmartin
Mar 26, 2007


Absurd Alhazred posted:

Straight out of Facebook:


eh, sounds plausible. Seems more like a 3rd person post for https://forums.somethingawful.com/s...hreadid=3711921

DragQueenofAngmar
Dec 29, 2009

You shall not pass!


flosofl posted:

I, too, judge people on their culinary skills.

...Yeah? Unless you grew up in adverse circumstances there's sort of no excuse for not being able to cook some food for yourself as an adult.

oldpainless
Oct 30, 2009

This post brought to you by RAID: SHADOW LEGENDS.
RAID: SHADOW LEGENDS - It's for your phoneTM #ad



Uhh how about you do what I do and cry that you're hungry like a giant dumb baby until someone else comes along and makes food for you.

Gridlocked
Aug 2, 2014

MR. STUPID MORON
WITH AN UGLY FACE
AND A BIG BUTT
AND HIS BUTT SMELLS
AND HE LIKES TO KISS
HIS OWN BUTT
by Roger Hargreaves


cash crab posted:

I'm an Idiot King which means I have half the power and responsibility of a regular mod. Also, I am exempt from the annual Hunger Games-esque event other mods must participate in.

But you'd be champion of an event with the word Hunger in it.

tacodaemon
Nov 27, 2006





n/m

tacodaemon has a new favorite as of 00:30 on Apr 22, 2016

Ytlaya
Nov 13, 2005

0.000% of Communism has been built. Evil child-murdering billionaires still rule the world with a shit-eating grin.

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

...Yeah? Unless you grew up in adverse circumstances there's sort of no excuse for not being able to cook some food for yourself as an adult.

Also, it's not so much that she couldn't cook as it is someone thinking that hamburger helper is a fancy meal. Like, I'm pretty poo poo at cooking but that doesn't make me think stuff like spaghetti or hamburger helper is fancy cooking.

Samfucius
Sep 8, 2010

And if you gaze long enough into a nest, the nest will gaze back into you.


cash crab posted:

I'm an Idiot King which means I have half the power and responsibility of a regular mod. Also, I am exempt from the annual Hunger Games-esque event other mods must participate in.

I don't know poo poo about the mods here, what is this event?

genetic_knockout
May 8, 2007

Who's a good boy

oldpainless posted:

Uhh how about you do what I do and cry that you're hungry like a giant dumb baby until someone else comes along and makes food for you.

Are you my husband??

RNG
Jul 9, 2009



Samfucius posted:

I don't know poo poo about the mods here, what is this event?

cash crab and the rest of the mods are given a bow and arrows and a freezerful of McCormick mozzarella bites and jalapeno poppers. Whoever is left standing brings glory to their district.

AlbieQuirky
Oct 9, 2012



College Slice

I volunteer as tribute .avi.

Antivehicular
Dec 30, 2011

I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving
And something has got to give


Ultra Carp

It's okay, guys; gnarlyhotep offered his account to the Moddery this year. We'll have a good corn crop soon.

oldpainless
Oct 30, 2009

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RAID: SHADOW LEGENDS - It's for your phoneTM #ad



genetic_knockout posted:

Are you my husband??

I am every husband

AlbieQuirky
Oct 9, 2012



College Slice

oldpainless posted:

I am every husband

Then stop snoring, rear end in a top hat. I'm trying to read forums here.

oldpainless
Oct 30, 2009

This post brought to you by RAID: SHADOW LEGENDS.
RAID: SHADOW LEGENDS - It's for your phoneTM #ad



(Farts loudly and coughs)

davidspackage
May 16, 2007



Exciting Lemon

genetic_knockout posted:

Are you my husband??

Are you Jo Brand?

Khazar-khum
Oct 22, 2008

Cat Army
2nd Battalion


Armor

quote:

This troper once re-told the entire World War II as if it was a Wuxia-like martial arts movie, and mixing it with Dragon Ball Z, to the point the story ended with Super-Churchill fighting Perfect Hitler, destroying the world, and finding the last christmas tree to ask Shenron for a christmas miracle. Also, he had an entire conversation in alliteration, created a suit of armor out of AOL CDs "just in case", spent an entire day practising dramatic poses in front of a mirror and has had friends point out how all of Osaka's antics where done by him in highschool and junior high, sometimes event-for-event or sometimes something that's really analogous but not japanese (Like, opening packets of ketchup with his mouth without making a mess instead of splitting chopsticks neatly), to the point she's considered his race-lifted, fictional, Distaff Counterpart.

Sister

quote:

This troper's little sister's best friend, and to a lesser extent the sister herself. In their defense, they're both ten years old (and this troper's 22. Read into that what you will.). Incidentally, the sister has some... anger issues. This troper shamelessly admits to setting her off on purpose. And reading that makes it look like this troper has some tendencies toward Cloudcuckooland himself.

Tomatoes

quote:

When Cloudcuckoolanders collide: This troper was in a car with Mom, sister, and a friend who is one of the Founding Mothers of Cloudcuckooland. Said friend spontaneously asked, "What's the smallest number that is also a color?" While everyone else just went Huh? in awkward silence, I very quickly came back with "Ver-million!" and we all had a good laugh.
Also, the other day I found that one of the tomatoes I brought to work for snacking purposes had developed a curiously star-shaped patch of mold. So I carried it around to the other people in my department and told them "Tomato says Merry Christmas!" Good thing it's a casual office.

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003

Porpoise noise continues.


hahaha ok

Only registered members can see post attachments!

GOTTA STAY FAI
Mar 24, 2005

~no glitter in the gutter~
~no twilight galaxy~


College Slice


I wanna give this kid a wedgie so fierce that his evolutionary ancestors would feel it.

goose willis
Jun 13, 2015

Get ready for teh wacky laughz0r!

PYF poo poo That Didn't Happen: When Cloudcuckoolanders Collide

Verisimilidude
Dec 20, 2006

Strike quick and hurry at him,
not caring to hit or miss.
So that you dishonor him before the judges





Khazar-khum posted:

Armor


Sister


Tomatoes

1. I told a story once.

2. I have a weird sister.

3. I made a pun one time.

These troper stories are becoming more and more mundane.

Happy-Go-Lilac
Dec 19, 2007

Happy to be here.


Verisimilidude posted:


These troper stories are becoming more and more mundane.

Nah, same amount of mundane. He just can't retell them with the grandiose elaboration like the others. Throw in some life altering confrontation and applause and we'd be right back to normal.

Happy-Go-Lilac has a new favorite as of 15:51 on Apr 22, 2016

Tunicate
May 15, 2012





quote:

Reached His Tee Total
Golf Course | Akron, NY, USA | Bad Behavior, Love/Romance, Popular, Time

(I am working as a ranger on a busy Sunday. All of the tee times are taken for the entire day. Even though the course is full, the pace of play is still at four hours because the course uses ten-minute tee times. As I come up to the eleventh tee, a customer is practice swinging his driver while waiting for the group in front of him move to the green. The customer walks over to me.)

Customer: “I want to play through the group ahead of us.”

Me: *politely* “I am sorry, sir, but that is not an option. The course is full and there is no group that is out of position.”

Customer: “I know the owner of the course and he would let my group play through.”

Me: “I know the owner quite well myself, and your group will not be able to play through.”

(He turns his back to me and starts swearing every swear word known to man. His swearing does not bother me because he’s not directing his comments to me. His three other playing partners never say a word to me and look content drinking a cold beverage while waiting their turn. All of a sudden, he quickly turns around and starts walking towards me in a fast pace with his driver in his hand. He has a crazy look in his eyes as he approaches and I prepare myself for an angry confrontation.)

Customer: *screaming* “I have a date today and if I am late for my date, I am going to have my girlfriend call you to yell at you!”

Me: *without hesitation* “Is your girlfriend hot? If she is, I will give you my number. Have her call me.”

(The three men on the carts busted up laughing. The man with the golf club never said another word for the rest of the day.)

hyperhazard
Dec 4, 2011

I am the one lascivious
With magic potion niveous

https://np.reddit.com/r/legaladvice..._to_sue_me_for/

Person posts on reddit complaining that her ex-fiance wants ownership of the ring that's been in her family for generations. Ex seems cartoonishly douchey (hosed a coworker on a table she built from the remains of his childhood home after it burned down), but it happens.

The update, though...

Update to my ex-fiance attempting to claim my grandmother's wedding ring posted:

I wanted to say thanks for all of the advice and support I got when I posted on here a while back. I was in a pretty lovely place, and I can't describe how awesome it was to have literally hundreds of people telling me what a pathetic douche-chill my ex is.

As my title suggests, I don't have a thrilling update for you. A lot of you warned me to be on the lookout for him trying to take back the ring himself, which my family and friends were also worried about. I'm very blessed to come from a large family, so on Monday afternoon a few of my male cousins/second cousins/concerned family friends (and their firearms) came to my apartment to "keep [me] company". My female cousins didn't want to be left out, so they came, too (several of them also toting firearms). Through a garbled family phone tree, one of my uncles completely misconstrued the purpose of the "family gathering at ringthrowaway1010's house", and arrived bearing a case of liquor and a massive Publix sheet cake. My grandfather eventually showed up with his banjo and some beautiful pictures of my grandmother wearing the ring in question.

As you can imagine, this turned into one of our better parties, and "ringthrowaway 1010's congratulations on not marrying an rear end in a top hat party" will live on in family lore.

Since my original post I've gotten a lot of extremely nice messages and calls from my ex's family, all of whom are currently not speaking to him. (His brother called me the day after the Table Incident to ask what happened, and I told him the truth, which I can only assume was passed around.) His dad assured me that my ex won't be trying to sue me for the ring, and told me that if I ever hear from my ex again, I should call his dad and he will "bring the pain". He also sent me a gift card for several hundred dollars to Home Depot, in case I ever want to "make a better table for a better man". Hopefully, that will be the last thing about this breakup that makes me cry.

I also got an STI screening, which turned out negative. My gyno said that everything looked "perfect, absolutely pristine". So I may not be getting married in three months, but at least I have pristine genitalia.

Tl;dr: Family came to keep me safe in case ex came back for ring, devolved into raucous family party complete with cake and grandpa on banjo. Ex is experiencing full-on Amish shunning from his family, his dad bought me a gift card to HoDep for future carpentry endeavors. Not only am I STI-free, my vagina is "pristine".

LOVE LOVE SKELETON
Nov 11, 2007




Lipstick Apathy


this troper insists that "told a story" implies someone was listening.

Marenghi
Oct 16, 2008


hyperhazard posted:

https://np.reddit.com/r/legaladvice..._to_sue_me_for/

Person posts on reddit complaining that her ex-fiance wants ownership of the ring that's been in her family for generations. Ex seems cartoonishly douchey (hosed a coworker on a table she built from the remains of his childhood home after it burned down), but it happens.

The update, though...

A lot of stdh but a gyno saying a "pristine, perfect vagina" seems up there with top things that didn't happen.

Marius Pontmercy
Apr 2, 2007

Liberte
Egalite
Beyonce


My vagina is the Sistine Chapel of vaginas and let me just repeat that like three times.





Please, someone gently caress me again.

My Lovely Horse
Aug 21, 2010




Spacious, painted, and they select the Pope in it.

Nuclear War
Nov 7, 2012

You're a pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty girl


So, I had cancer a few years ago, and my wife's family (not her or most of her siblings) is SUPER into healing through prayer etc and to this day claim that it was their prayers that healed me and not the chemo and the doctors. Fair enough, they're amazing, charitable people and we get along fine otherwise. I make my views on Healing clear, and they accept that too, even if they do keep trying to show me and the wife evidence of healings so we can see the light.

On that note, my mother in lawsent me this: http://www.thegreaternews.com/blog/...nce-from-doctor as evidence of total cancer healing. Now, I'm not a medical professional, but I'm pretty sure someone just went to town on that first picture in Paint or something and roughly coloured over both kidneys, and what looks like most of the heart and various organs in black? And the scan was allegedly taken in summer 2015 so its a long time to live with that massive amount of tumours!

I'm not looking for a massive rebuttal to throw in my mother in law's face -although an explanation of what I'm actually looking at would be interesting- but I figured it'd be interesting for you guys in this thread. Anyone who's even peripherally involved with someone in evangelical christian circles will have heard stories like this a million times.

Minarchist
Mar 5, 2009

by WE B Bourgeois


Nuclear War posted:

So, I had cancer a few years ago, and my wife's family (not her or most of her siblings) is SUPER into healing through prayer etc and to this day claim that it was their prayers that healed me and not the chemo and the doctors. Fair enough, they're amazing, charitable people and we get along fine otherwise. I make my views on Healing clear, and they accept that too, even if they do keep trying to show me and the wife evidence of healings so we can see the light.

On that note, my mother in lawsent me this: http://www.thegreaternews.com/blog/...nce-from-doctor as evidence of total cancer healing. Now, I'm not a medical professional, but I'm pretty sure someone just went to town on that first picture in Paint or something and roughly coloured over both kidneys, and what looks like most of the heart and various organs in black? And the scan was allegedly taken in summer 2015 so its a long time to live with that massive amount of tumours!

I'm not looking for a massive rebuttal to throw in my mother in law's face -although an explanation of what I'm actually looking at would be interesting- but I figured it'd be interesting for you guys in this thread. Anyone who's even peripherally involved with someone in evangelical christian circles will have heard stories like this a million times.

You may want to put this in the health care stories thread and I'm sure the radiologists and nurses there will explain exactly why this picture is complete bullshit.

CROWS EVERYWHERE
Dec 17, 2012

CAW CAW CAW



Dinosaur Gum

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Post Your Favorite (or Request) > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: at least I have pristine genitalia

Vartiter
Nov 15, 2008




ughhhhh

Brother Entropy
Dec 27, 2009




i can definitely believe that two nerds can be that obnoxious over their tv shows

subpar anachronism
Jan 15, 2005

I think I'll try drinkin' tonight.



Dudes think it's hot when you call their sisters cunts, right? Come and get it boys.


quote:

(My nine-year-old son is a very well-behaved boy and quite smart, which often gets him labeled a “nerd” at school. After a particularly bad bullying incident, I decide to take him to a psychiatrist so he can discuss it with an expert and get some tips on how to cope with bullies.)

Psychiatrist: “Hello. What seems to be the problem?”

(My son is understandably nervous to admit what’s going on and I answer for him.)

Me: “He is getting bullied at school and it’s gotten to the point where there’s nothing I can do about it. I have tried everything I can to help.”

Psychiatrist: “Okay, follow me.”

(She leads my son into a playroom where I and the psychiatrist will observe him through a one-way mirror and then the psychiatrist will enter the room and interview him later. My son gets a book off a shelf and reads it.)

Psychiatrist: “There are so many toys and he wants to read?!”

Me: “Yeah, he reads all the time.”

(My son finishes the book and the psychiatrist enters the room to speak to him. She then goes up to me as if she has something urgent to tell me.)

Psychiatrist: “I’m sorry, but your son is autistic.”

(It should be noted that I’m in college as a psychology major and know my son doesn’t meet the criteria for the diagnosis.)

Me: “What makes you think that?”

Psychiatrist: “He’s very polite and quiet.”

Me: “I’m certain that he isn’t autistic.”

Psychiatrist: “But he said he likes math! I’ll prove he’s autistic. People with the disorder don’t like loud noises.”

(She sneaks up behind my son and screams in his ear which, predictably, scares him.)

Psychiatrist: “See, he’s autistic.”

Me: “My son isn’t autistic, and even if he was, I’m still shocked by how unprofessional you are. Did you even discuss bullying with him?”

Psychiatrist: “This is more important than bullies, and besides, his disorder is most likely the reason he’s being picked on in the first place.”

(I ended up taking my son to a different psychiatrist two-and-a-half hours away, but much better. The new doctor told my son how to deal with bullying and I have noticed he is much happier now. I told this story to the new psychiatrist, who knew her and said she has a reputation for diagnosing anyone she thinks is too much of a goody-two-shoes as autistic.)

Weatherman
Jul 30, 2003

SCREECH



The above parent is a noted Asperger's sufferer, affectionately referred to as a 'Spergling, and their post an example of 'spergin out.

oldpainless
Oct 30, 2009

This post brought to you by RAID: SHADOW LEGENDS.
RAID: SHADOW LEGENDS - It's for your phoneTM #ad



I'm p sure you says a person has autism, not call them autistic.

RNG
Jul 9, 2009




And that child grew up to be... Dexter Morgan.

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davidspackage
May 16, 2007



Exciting Lemon

*AAh!* See, he's autistic.

I think the problem was taking your child to a psychiatrist in an Adam Sandler movie.

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