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Mocking Bird
Aug 17, 2011


Oh my loving god this new netflix doc about Gabriel Fernandez is killing my soul right now. This whole system is a nightmare for so many reasons.

Taking care of these kids can be the one spot of sunshine, seeing kids really thrive in their homes is what keeps me going.

We matched for adoption with a 9 year old boy and he's moving in on March 11th after six weeks of visits, and watching this doc about this eight year old boy is KILLING ME

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Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


Mocking Bird posted:

Oh my loving god this new netflix doc about Gabriel Fernandez is killing my soul right now. This whole system is a nightmare for so many reasons.

I am watching this and it is very sad.


Mocking Bird posted:

We matched for adoption with a 9 year old boy and he's moving in on March 11th after six weeks of visits,

This is very good, nice, good luck

Spikes32
Jul 25, 2013


Was supposed to take my casa kid out last Friday after school and nobody was home and foster mom didn't answer or return my phone calls. She's also done the same for my calls this Monday and Wednesday.

On the bright side I saw the kiddo observing a parental visit on Wednesday and there's a cft at the school tomorrow morning she should at so I can get her in person.

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


Teenager decided he will just stay at home instead of go to school! What a time

Engineer Lenk
Aug 28, 2003

Mnogo losho e!

Mine just got suspended (while I'm away on a business trip). Figuring out how to establish consequences that are appropriately deterrent without being unreasonable is hard.

Mocking Bird
Aug 17, 2011


Our 9 year old moved in just in time for school to be probably cancelled, lol. We're already tired.

Spikes32
Jul 25, 2013


Schools closed in la and San Diego just now. Casa program just banned all in person child visits/trainings /and court dates. Now im supposed to set up Skype visits. With a hyper active attention challenged five year old. With only 3 previous in person visits total.

Tulalip Tulips
Sep 1, 2013

The best apologies are crafted with love.


Yeah all schools in Washington are closed for 6 weeks and we're on emergency planning for my county. Everything except for shelter care/removal hearings and dependecy or termination trials are now supposed to be over the phone. All incoming intakes are now noting if the family has or is suspected of having covid too. I am not eligble for telework since I don't case carry anymore so I suspect I'll spend a lot of time with older kids who are in office and need some supervision. Time to brush up on my Donkey Kong skills since our Super Nintendo is way more popular than the Xbox.

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


Tulalip Tulips posted:

I suspect I'll spend a lot of time with older kids who are in office and need some supervision. Time to brush up on my Donkey Kong skills since our Super Nintendo is way more popular than the Xbox.

How does that work that there may be children or teens who need supervision in an office, I don't remember learning about this but Ive seen news clips or documentaries or something where this happens?
Is that something someone like a foster parent can volunteer to do? That seems so crazy to me that people (social workers?) who already have work to do will also have to do this

Tulalip Tulips
Sep 1, 2013

The best apologies are crafted with love.


Paratan posted:

How does that work that there may be children or teens who need supervision in an office, I don't remember learning about this but Ive seen news clips or documentaries or something where this happens?
Is that something someone like a foster parent can volunteer to do? That seems so crazy to me that people (social workers?) who already have work to do will also have to do this

It can depend. In my part of Washington there's a volunteer program that partners with DCYF where we can request folks to come in and watch kids. Since it's volunteers it can be hit or miss if someone is available and not all kids will be a good fit. Our office also has praticum social work students and a few interns who can help out if they're not doing anything else and are in the office. The covid outbreak will probably effect our volunteer program but we won't really know until next week. As far as we've been told it won't really effect our praticum students or interns since their classes can go online and they haven't been told to stop going to their field sites.

It's just a lot of guessing and anxiety at this point. Covid won't prevent child abuse and kids who are already in foster care still need case workers so we're just trying to batten down the hatches and support each other.

Thaddius the Large
Jul 5, 2006

It's in the five-hole!


Yeah, our response has been to try and stagger people being in the office and maximize working from home, but ultimately stuff’s probably just gonna be delayed or missed, we’re making it all up as we go along, there’s nothing approaching a coordinated effort. Particularly determined folks can probably call up some contact they know, a caseworker or certifier or something, and ask to help out, not sure what there is overall though, our unit is pretty much figuring out our needs and resources amongst ourselves.

Mocking Bird
Aug 17, 2011


I sent around a message that I was willing to help out other families that don't have the luxury of time off with child care, let's see if it happens

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


I know this situation super sucks, but I'm thankful teen won't get in trouble for not going to school now...

Engineer Lenk
Aug 28, 2003

Mnogo losho e!

Just in case your agencies weren't circulating this to everyone, both the love and logic basic course and one of the TBRI basic courses are available for free on a time-limited basis. For us it'll count as training hours.

Mocking Bird
Aug 17, 2011


Engineer Lenk posted:

Just in case your agencies weren't circulating this to everyone, both the love and logic basic course and one of the TBRI basic courses are available for free on a time-limited basis. For us it'll count as training hours.

The online versions? Got a link?

Engineer Lenk
Aug 28, 2003

Mnogo losho e!

Mocking Bird posted:

The online versions? Got a link?

This was the link passed along in my email:
https://www.loveandlogic.com/products/love-and-logic-parenting-online

And the TBRI 101 online 30 days for free is here:
https://child.tcu.edu/sale/#sthash.Y2D116Xm.tPNH1R5c.dpbs

I also just checked out and read 'The explosive child' from the library; that approach is a little different than either L&L or TBRI, but it also looks promising, particularly for older kids and teens.

Right now I'm struggling with how to get my kid to move from bed to shower in the morning. I woke him up at 7:30 AM yesterday and he didn't get into the shower until 11. This is without him falling back asleep (because I kept talking to him and interrupting going back to sleep) or doing anything distracting while in bed, it just takes him that long to motivate himself. Without me pushing hard on him (my previous approach was to annoy him into compliance), he's switched to getting angry at himself for not being willing to get up.

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


Thanks for links

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


Posting while I'm feeling very loving towards Teen right now. He is turning 18 in 2 months! He wanted to go to Kings Dominion but he says in case it's not open still, V-Bucks would have to do lmao

I was able to watch the TBRI thing and sent the certificate to my social worker, thanks for that. Some of it was kind of weird, and some was weirdly helpful. I'm curious about the teen version, but I'll look into it when I'm not paying for a freaking wardrobe because someone grew several sizes since last summer.

Teen has made great strides in living peacefully, which is necessary at all times, everywhere, for the rest of his life. That must be what the first social worker meant when she kept telling me he was doing good.
My negative feelings are about how he will have a hard time in society because he doesn't meet societal expectations in many, many ways. His allowance is based on chores and he got the lowest ever last week, but he earned those 12 dollars GOOD job, man. V-bucks again huh

Mocking Bird
Aug 17, 2011


You're doing such a good job :love: Every time you post I get warm fuzzies

On Mother's Day I got calls from three of my teen girls that I briefly fostered but long term mother-hen'd, which was nice. Two of them were living in group homes and one of them was in juvenile hall before they came to me for a brief period while waiting for housing. They are all young adults now and trying to make it in transitional housing with varying results. It's really hard on my heart to see their ups and downs, but it's part of their growth and I'm trying to respect their autonomy. All of them want to visit for Christmas which I hope will be possible :unsmith:

I hope the rest of the mother-identified goons in this thread had a good Mother's Day

Engineer Lenk
Aug 28, 2003

Mnogo losho e!

Mother's day was pretty good - my mom called and tried to talk my kid into picking flowers, but instead he found a cool map in fortnite creative to play with me.

I'm so proud of how well he's doing with getting up and doing his (very abbreviated) schoolwork. I even made him a custom worksheet today that he complained about for 20 minutes, then worked through, then tore up (because he hates worksheets) but ultimately said was cool.

We also watched a few episodes of avatar weeks ago, which he was only half-listening to. This morning, out of nowhere, he goes 'look at this! I'm waterbending!' while splashing around in the sink. It cracked me up.

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


Engineer Lenk posted:

I'm so proud of how well he's doing with getting up and doing his (very abbreviated) schoolwork. I even made him a custom worksheet today that he complained about for 20 minutes, then worked through, then tore up (because he hates worksheets) but ultimately said was cool.

That's kind of hilarious...

Engineer Lenk
Aug 28, 2003

Mnogo losho e!

Paratan posted:

That's kind of hilarious...

I took a picture of it.

https://imgur.com/a/GnCj5UV

Mocking Bird
Aug 17, 2011



This is amazing

Engineer Lenk
Aug 28, 2003

Mnogo losho e!

Has anyone else dealt with an attachment phase with their older child/teen where they need you to be there to get to sleep?

I think this is developmentally normal for little kids, so it doesn't surprise me that it's popping up out of order. And the aftermath of trauma leads to intrusive thoughts that are louder late at night, particularly since I try to get screens put away by 9 on weeknights and 11 on weekends (wifi cuts off at 8/10 respectively, and offline games aren't as addicting for him). We have a pretty set bedtime routine of meds/brush teeth/read a chapter of Harry Potter/lights out.

I'm having a rough time with not getting to sleep until midnight (yesterday was 2am) when I still wake up by 8 every day.

Mocking Bird
Aug 17, 2011


Yep, when my daughter was sixteen. I used to just let her sleep on the living room couch (right outside my bedroom) with my door open so she could hear me snoring, lol. I was less likely to stay up with her - my presence was reassuring and I wanted to offer that to her, but I couldn't cope staying up so late with her. You've got to take care of yourself too and find options that address your own needs. Can you shift the routine a little earlier? Or offer a soothing option that isn't your direct presence, like doing a "security check" before bed of locking doors and windows and picking a light to leave on?

Mocking Bird
Aug 17, 2011


I babysat a 1 month old baby for 4 hours yesterday (his foster mom has another child in the hospital getting heart surgery) and my child was so green with envy he may as well be a goblin. It was really hard, he spilled hot coffee on me at one point while I was holding the baby because he was trying desperately to ALSO be in my lap (doesn't work as well when he's 10 and pretty big for his age)

He's still adjusting to living with us, and it broke my heart to see. I had to spend all afternoon one on one with him to get him back down to baseline. I'm really worried that his neediness and anxious attachment is going to be front and center for a long time :(

He is mostly this way with babies and toddlers - anyone that he can get to pay attention to him/be his audience/playmate is fine. We are definitely only going to consider other older boys for placement now. It's gonna be rough if my husband and I choose to get pregnant...

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


Teen had IEP meeting with principal of his special school and a special education lady and I where he totally agreed to go ahead and do his last 3 classes except... He can't. lol
He would've done them by now if he could, but it stresses him out too much to even think about logging in. He's so bad at school, he just didn't want to disappoint them on the call because they're trying to be so encouraging.

There's a FAPT Meeting (what does that stand for btw) next week the social education lady wants me to report back at lmao. Ma'am. Computer learning ain't working out for this child at this time.

Suspect Bucket
Jan 14, 2012

SHRIMPDOR WAS A MAN
I mean, HE WAS A SHRIMP MAN
er, maybe also A DRAGON
or possibly
A MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL TEAM
BUT HE WAS STILL
SHRIMPDOR


Can you guys reccomend any resources for international adoption? My partner and I are a mixed race couple, he's a male Indian citizen, I am a white female US citizen. We're interested in adopting a kid down the road (probably in 5-7 years). We would like to start laying the ground work for adoption. I have no desire for biological children (I've always been kinda disgusted by birth?), But we really want a kid and think we can do a good job, and give the kid a good fun loving family brave in the face of adversity and try our hardest and aaaaahhhhhhhhh how do you not sound like an idiot jerk on the internet

We're aware our citizenship, lack of religion, mixed race, and other things will probably throw up stumbling blocks.

What reading and training would you recommend? Any advice beyond "have a lot of money"?

I read the whole thread, y'all are brave as hell dealing with the foster system and these kids. We're interested in giving an older (up to pre-schoolish?) kid a home, and open to the possibility of some special needs. We feel like we could handle that much. We're not after perfect adorable baby here. I'm certainly no super-parent like some of you, holy crap you guys are like super heroes.

Anyhoo, how do you avoid the pitfalls of getting ripped off or enabling the stealing of babies and other fun international adoption hijinks

Engineer Lenk
Aug 28, 2003

Mnogo losho e!

I would expect that you'd want to prepare for a lot of the same things with international adoption as with domestic transracial adoption. Aftermath of trauma (at a minimum, separation from birth parents), as well as the importance of maintaining connections to their birth culture - foods, holidays, religion, language, and community. If you're only looking into international adoption from India (from the same religious background and area as your partner), this may be a little more seamless than picking up a third culture to blend into your household.

Suspect Bucket
Jan 14, 2012

SHRIMPDOR WAS A MAN
I mean, HE WAS A SHRIMP MAN
er, maybe also A DRAGON
or possibly
A MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL TEAM
BUT HE WAS STILL
SHRIMPDOR


Oh yeah. Ideally we would be adopting from his home state, Kerala (where they speak Malayalam). But we would also be open to nearby states, as Mr Bucket is fluent in Hindi and understands a few neighboring languages. We're currently very american in our lifestyle, except in cuisine, that's solidly 50/50 on indian/everything else. But we're hoping to leave the garden apartment for a house in a year or so, and I'm looking for ways to make us more.... International? I dunno. I was going to research it on our month long India honeymoon/ meet the clan in september-october, but COVID has cancelled all of that. We're hoping to go as soon as we can get a vaccine (whenever that will be, possibly years x.x)

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


aw man I had a dream about some elementary school foster kids I know that I haven't seen in a while, obviously. I was accompanying the lil boy back to his foster family and he just flopped down and refused to cooperate with anyone so I sat on the floor and held him and talked with the parents about how we love him.

Mocking Bird posted:

he was trying desperately to ALSO be in my lap (doesn't work as well when he's 10 and pretty big for his age)
*what's the emoji for laughing secretly and not out loud* 🙃

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


Checking because I don't understand confidentiality very well. Like in general. I'm the biggest snitch, so don't tell me anything.

I have never posted online about Teen except here, but ppl irl know him, obviously.

Is it appropriate to post about Teens 18 bday countdown on MY fb since we haven't seen people in months?
Yea or nay

Dawncloack
Nov 26, 2007
ECKS DEE!

Nap Ghost

Paratan posted:

Checking because I don't understand confidentiality very well. Like in general. I'm the biggest snitch, so don't tell me anything.

I have never posted online about Teen except here, but ppl irl know him, obviously.

Is it appropriate to post about Teens 18 bday countdown on MY fb since we haven't seen people in months?
Yea or nay

I imagine you have asked the Teen itself?

amethystbliss
Jan 17, 2006



Paratan posted:

Checking because I don't understand confidentiality very well. Like in general. I'm the biggest snitch, so don't tell me anything.

I have never posted online about Teen except here, but ppl irl know him, obviously.

Is it appropriate to post about Teens 18 bday countdown on MY fb since we haven't seen people in months?
Yea or nay

Over the years, I’ve moved to asking my kids every time before posting anything about them on social media. Always surprised by what they’re okay with and what they’re mortified by.

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


lmao true and understandable.

So it's probably ok if Teen is aware and approves then. I'm thinking only first name + 18bday (no specific date) + poooooossibly a photo?
He loves taking selfies but in my Old Person opinion they're all terrible but I could probably take one.

ty

v edit: ok got you. v

Paratan fucked around with this message at 05:10 on Jun 21, 2020

Mocking Bird
Aug 17, 2011


Generally photos with face in them are discouraged or outright prohibited BUT they can post one themselves and tag you!

Engineer Lenk
Aug 28, 2003

Mnogo losho e!

Any suggestions about building a kid's self-worth and reframing gentle correction as 'this is a learning opportunity' instead of 'you're bad and I need you to be perfect'?

Last night he told me that he deserved to live in a trash can. My heart breaks for him.

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


wouldn't you like to know...

yes.
yes we all would

Mocking Bird
Aug 17, 2011


Our 10 year old son has had a miserable week because of going to summer camp, which on the surface he enjoys and actively gets ready for and looks forward to. However, apparently he's had internal feelings of being unwanted and pushed out of the house :( so we had to talk today about how camp is for him to spend time with other kids and do stuff that isn't video games, not because we don't want him at home. I was already making a production of welcoming him home and how much I missed him but I think I'm gonna have to be dramatic about it every single day.

He did some hitting while he was working through his emotions about it, slapping me and his dad in the face while cuddling in bed with us, and another time running away from us and punching me when I caught up with him. I told him today that I'm not mad, but that hitting isn't ok and he started crying and saying "why aren't you like my other foster parents? Why won't you just send me away after I hit you once?" AND JESUS CHRIST MY HEART

His last pre-adoptive family had him for around 3 months and then after one tantrum had his social worker pick him up from school and move him - no notice, no goodbyes. So he's thinking any day now we're going to drop him off at camp and not pick him up :(

He's my little dude, and we spent a lot of time telling him how much we'd miss him if he weren't here and we're going to adopt him no matter what. And then we watched The Meg and ate popcorn and KitKats because apparently that's how 10 year old boys self soothe.

Anyway, if I get arrested for assaulting some former foster parents, just know they had it coming

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Engineer Lenk
Aug 28, 2003

Mnogo losho e!

Tomorrow I'm driving three hours to drop my dog off with my parents so I have some space to figure out what to do with him. We're on semi-provoked face bite #2 (both with mild broken skin).

The kid is miserable and blaming himself. The dog is slightly possessive of me and doesn't deal well with people lunging at me (this was a hug-tackle, not something aggressive); he's also 10 lbs soaking wet and has put up with a lot from the kid.

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