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Germstore
Oct 17, 2012

A Serious Candidate For a Serious Time


OctoberBlues posted:

But it's already happened... in my heart.

I for one have fully embraced Idaho Spud.

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house of the dad
Jul 4, 2005



I'm glad the guys in porn look more normal these days rather than ugly rear end or oddly muscular dudes who growl the whole time like we want to hear what a good time they're having

Frosted Flake
Sep 13, 2011

by Pragmatica


I'm glad bush is making a comeback.

Gatekeeper
Aug 3, 2003

He was warrior and mystic, ogre and saint, the fox and the innocent, chivalrous, ruthless, less than a god, more than a man.


KakerMix posted:

*bass slap*

Int. MONK'S

GEORGE: "Have you seen this site? Stepbrotherlylove.com? It's the worst!"
JERRY: "Can we not do this right now? I told you, incest porn is not really part of my wheelhouse, George..."
GEORGE: "What the hell is a wheelhouse? It sounds nautical. What does sailing have to do with incest, Jerry? What does sailing have to do with anything?!"
JERRY: "Anyway, you were saying...?"
GEORGE: "This site, Jerry, it's just a bunch of videos of the same guy filming his 'stepsister'. Different girl every video. Same guy, different girl, every video. This guy has a thousand step-sisters! And he always says the same awful lines. 'Oh, I have a date this weekend but I'm afraid she won't like me, can I practice on you?' Like any step-sister is gonna go for that! Then before you know it, he's whippin' out this huge uncircumcised penis-"
JERRY: "Please, can we not do the circumcision thing again?"
GEORGE: "Oh, that's not even the half of it, Jerry! He whips out this firehose and says 'You don't think my girlfriend is gonna laugh at it, do you?' Smug little jerk. He knows he's big! He's just rubbing our faces in it!"
JERRY: "And his sister's, apparently."
GEORGE: "Step-sister, Jerry! STEP! Then he does the same five moves, missionary, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, doggy, moneyshot. No variety. A thousand different step-sisters, same five moves every video. It's obscene."
JERRY: "Well, it's pornography, George. Incest pornography. It's supposed to be obscene!"
GEORGE: "Dammit, Jerry, step isn't incest! It's no more taboo than teachers or cougars or milves!"
JERRY: "You mean milfs?"
GEORGE: "No, Jerry, I mean milves! Unless you've seen a pack of wolfs running around lately?"
JERRY: "OK, OK, milves. So you're saying step isn't taboo."
GEORGE: "Not at all! It's vanilla! And THAT'S what makes it obscene! When we were growing up, incest was a real taboo. A sister would sneak into her parents' room while they were asleep and she'd fellate her dad, who was circumcised, by the way, and pray mom didn't wake up. Or dad would have another late night at the office, so mom would wake up Junior and he'd dive right into that bushy muff! None of this step nonsense!"

Enter KRAMER.

JERRY: "I had no idea this was so important to you, George."
GEORGE: "Someone's gotta stand up against the step! Incest used to mean something in this country, Jerry."
KRAMER: "Just one more area where the Japanese are giving us a spanking! You wouldn't believe what they've accomplished, Jerry! Inter-generational bukkake! Oooh, mama! It's taking those islands by storm!"
JERRY: "Inter-what??"
GEORGE: "You hear that, Jerry?! JAPAN! It's Pearl Harbor all over again, Jerry!"

VendaGoat
Nov 1, 2005


Incest porn is just plot porn.

Take your pick between that or a poorly produced Futurama porn.

Functionally, they are the same.

mind the walrus
Sep 22, 2006



It's almost enough to make you nostalgic for the days when some frat boy with a huge wanger would just bang a girl in a van and film it

Moridin920
Nov 15, 2007

by FactsAreUseless


FIRST TIME posted:

Also, why the gently caress can't porn just be like "here's a hot cougar getting banged" or "here's a cute girl in her early 20s getting banged"? It's gotta be some weird incest poo poo.

I like cougars and I like cute, young girls. I just don't like to pretend that they're my family members.

you know im starting to think you guys are just really loving bad at searching or something bc honestly it's not that hard to find either of those 2 things at all

either that or you all like the incest stuff secretly

WampaLord
Jan 14, 2010





Gatekeeper posted:

"mom is feeling distant from dad so her masseuse brings mom to an orgy so mom decides to bang her son who decides to bang his sister who decides to bang her dad who decides he loves mom again and family is saved also Ron Jeremy is there" is something that could never happen on this lovely internet today

Yea, but on the other hand, we couldn't have had Pirates XXX back in the day without the ability to create cheap CGI.

Gatekeeper posted:

Int. MONK'S

This is a really good post.

H.P. Hovercraft
Jan 12, 2004

I'm brOKedn


Slippery Tilde


i prefer this version

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XX72TBS0_ZU

Gatekeeper
Aug 3, 2003

He was warrior and mystic, ogre and saint, the fox and the innocent, chivalrous, ruthless, less than a god, more than a man.


WampaLord posted:

Yea, but on the other hand, we couldn't have had Pirates XXX back in the day without the ability to create cheap CGI.

wow excellent point, pirates and pirates 2: stagnettis revenge are unironically great

Evan stone is, and I hate using this overused meaningless phrase, a national treasure

Moridin920
Nov 15, 2007

by FactsAreUseless


some more story/context in porn would be nice but I don't think it makes any money really

Wicker Man
Sep 5, 2007

Just like Columbus...




Clapping Larry

Just have the door blow down with the guy fully erect, and a random rear end comes out off screen and pops on.



Jesus people, we're not buildin' watches.

WampaLord
Jan 14, 2010





Moridin920 posted:

some more story/context in porn would be nice but I don't think it makes any money really

The Pirates people tried to release it as an actual movie by editing out all the actual porn.

It...uh...did not go well.

Gatekeeper
Aug 3, 2003

He was warrior and mystic, ogre and saint, the fox and the innocent, chivalrous, ruthless, less than a god, more than a man.


Moridin920 posted:

you know im starting to think you guys are just really loving bad at searching or something bc honestly it's not that hard to find either of those 2 things at all

either that or you all like the incest stuff secretly

who even has to search? out of the 20 or 30 vids on the first page of w/e porn site you use, there's plenty of "hot teen creampied" or "milf teaches paperboy how to gently caress".

Unless you're me, and every suggested video and ad and pop up is all CHICKS W/ DICKS!!!! because you got curious once

VendaGoat
Nov 1, 2005


Gatekeeper posted:

who even has to search? out of the 20 or 30 vids on the first page of w/e porn site you use, there's plenty of "hot teen creampied" or "milf teaches paperboy how to gently caress".

Unless you're me, and every suggested video and ad and pop up is all CHICKS W/ DICKS!!!! because you got curious once

Google Knows.

Moridin920
Nov 15, 2007

by FactsAreUseless


I wish Google could be smart about sharing things across devices so that my phone's search bar doesn't autocorrect to porn poo poo the next day bc I was having a jerk off fest the night before

King Vidiot
Feb 17, 2007

The video arcade made me what I am today!



Gatekeeper posted:

Taboo 2 is problematic af now that I think about it

It makes me miss ridiculous setups in porn movies. Like the aunt and her friend walk in on the nephew sleeping, but oh no his half-hard dick is hanging out of his pants what do we do? Let's tuck it back in for some reason but oh dear, it's too hard to fit back in his pants! Guess we'll have to suck him off until he gets off, what else can we do?

WampaLord
Jan 14, 2010





There's still plot and ridiculous set ups in porn, that's basically Brazzers' whole gimmick.

numberoneposter
Feb 19, 2014



Moridin920 posted:

some more story/context in porn would be nice but I don't think it makes any money really
How about a bunch of attractive people go to a pool party, they get pretty sloshed on margaritas, do a bunch of cannonballs and chicken fights, then about half of them go home hook up, a quarter of them are too drunk to gently caress but try anyways, and the rest go home and get a good nights sleep because it's a Sunday and Monday comes early.

King Vidiot
Feb 17, 2007

The video arcade made me what I am today!



I want some realistic story porn where it's like a whole hour of two people awkwardly getting to know each other and flirting, followed by some kissing and fondling and 10 minutes of sex.

Or the first hour is just them actually Netflixing and chilling, until the guy gets up the nerve to make a move and they gently caress for two minutes before he comes. Then they both fall asleep on the couch in front of the TV.

VendaGoat
Nov 1, 2005


King Vidiot posted:

I want some realistic story porn where it's like a whole hour of two people awkwardly getting to know each other and flirting, followed by some kissing and fondling and 10 minutes of sex.

Or the first hour is just them actually Netflixing and chilling, until the guy gets up the nerve to make a move and they gently caress for two minutes before he comes. Then they both fall asleep on the couch in front of the TV.

Writing your autobiography, King Vidiot?

numberoneposter
Feb 19, 2014



King Vidiot posted:

I want some realistic story porn where it's like a whole hour of two people awkwardly getting to know each other and flirting, followed by some kissing and fondling and 10 minutes of sex.

Or the first hour is just them actually Netflixing and chilling, until the guy gets up the nerve to make a move and they gently caress for two minutes before he comes. Then they both fall asleep on the couch in front of the TV.
Spare me your life story.

Moridin920
Nov 15, 2007

by FactsAreUseless


lol if you aren't still hard after cumming the first time

Laurenz
Dec 21, 2015

They call him little janny hotpockets. He was terrific, he was the best, and he did it for free too.


Moridin920 posted:

lol if you aren't still hard after cumming the first time

je1 healthcare
Sep 29, 2015


I wish indian porn wasn't so universally terrible, sometimes I try to refine my searches but nope, it's all bad. There's always something ruining it, either the poo poo video quality or the guy is creepy and gross, or the woman can't do anything besides stare past the camera with dead eyes

generative grammer
Jul 28, 2010

by FactsAreUseless


je1 healthcare posted:

I wish indian porn wasn't so universally terrible, sometimes I try to refine my searches but nope, it's all bad. There's always something ruining it, either the poo poo video quality or the guy is creepy and gross, or the woman can't do anything besides stare past the camera with dead eyes

and there's always a three hour dance scene between "good hello most beautiful lady would you want a hot sensual erotic sexual intercourse?" and actual loving

King Vidiot
Feb 17, 2007

The video arcade made me what I am today!



Now I just really want to see an Indian porn parody of Robot.

Zzulu
May 15, 2009


Where's my cyborg sex at, i have been waiting for so long

Decrepus
May 21, 2008

In the end, his dominion did not touch a single poster.


King Vidiot posted:

It makes me miss ridiculous setups in porn movies. Like the aunt and her friend walk in on the nephew sleeping, but oh no his half-hard dick is hanging out of his pants what do we do? Let's tuck it back in for some reason but oh dear, it's too hard to fit back in his pants! Guess we'll have to suck him off until he gets off, what else can we do?

I beat off to this like 100 times.

Captain Yossarian
Feb 24, 2011

All new" Rings of Fire"


Gatekeeper posted:

wow excellent point, pirates and pirates 2: stagnettis revenge are unironically great

Evan stone is, and I hate using this overused meaningless phrase, a national treasure

They really are and he really is , it's true

Zzulu
May 15, 2009


For the record, American porn has not come close to Asian porn in terms of "what the gently caress, man"

http://i.imgur.com/ranI2Lg.gif

It starts there, then it escalates

KakerMix
Apr 8, 2004

8.2 M.P.G.


King Vidiot posted:

Now I just really want to see an Indian porn parody of Reboot.

Veshpo
May 23, 2016



Moridin920 posted:

I wish Google could be smart about sharing things across devices so that my phone's search bar doesn't autocorrect to porn poo poo the next day bc I was having a jerk off fest the night before

Use incognito mode you gigantic idiot. It's having one of those memory eraser things in Men and Black and turning it on yourself after every time you jerk off.

mike12345
Jul 14, 2008

"Whether the Earth was created in 7 days, or 7 actual eras, I'm not sure we'll ever be able to answer that. It's one of the great mysteries."







Veshpo posted:

Use incognito mode you gigantic idiot. It's having one of those memory eraser things in Men and Black and turning it on yourself after every time you jerk off.

seriously that's the only thing it was invented for

Moridin920
Nov 15, 2007

by FactsAreUseless


Veshpo posted:

Use incognito mode you gigantic idiot. It's having one of those memory eraser things in Men and Black and turning it on yourself after every time you jerk off.

uh but sometimes i want to go back to some video i was watching why can't google just not share the nsfw stuff it's not like they can't tell what it is 99% of the time

Nigmaetcetera
Nov 17, 2004

Sorry guys, I'm just a donut.



Moridin920 posted:

uh but sometimes i want to go back to some video i was watching why can't google just not share the nsfw stuff it's not like they can't tell what it is 99% of the time

Use bing, it's better for porn and nobody is ever gonna see your Bing history.

Leroy Dennui
Aug 9, 2014

Fuck this gay MOTHER Earth.

I just read a Tijuana bible where Wimpy watches a post-boob job Olive Oyl masturbate and then steps into her room and fucks her. Popeye ends up catching them in the act only to whip out his massive penis and join them, ending the story with Wimpy doing anal on him while Popeye's schlong ends up going through Olive Oyl's mouth all the way from her vagina.

Veshpo
May 23, 2016



Moridin920 posted:

uh but sometimes i want to go back to some video i was watching why can't google just not share the nsfw stuff it's not like they can't tell what it is 99% of the time

Never go back

GreatGreen
Jul 3, 2007

THIS IS HOW YOU REMIND ME OF WHAT I REALLY AM
*stumbles on reload and dies to a Nightstalker Super during Quick Play*


A woman passionately moans and arches her back in ecstasy, running her fingers through her own hair with one hand and gently reaches for the safety and strength of the back of her lover's neck with the other as all her curves bounce and shake in steady, seductive rhythm.

*camera focuses angrily on ultra-closeup of dude's chode the whole time*

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numberoneposter
Feb 19, 2014



Moridin920 posted:

uh but sometimes i want to go back to some video i was watching why can't google just not share the nsfw stuff it's not like they can't tell what it is 99% of the time
just LOL if you dont have a separate hidden CHAMBER only accessible by trap door let alone computer and proxy and hacked wifi for illicit use

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