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Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME







goddammit chili. IN with schizotypal personality disorder.

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The Saddest Rhino
Apr 29, 2009

Behold my brain the golden throne of my consciousness. In here I am seated. Shackled. From here I police the land.



Yeah hit me with anything

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

The Saddest Rhino posted:

Yeah hit me with anything

Same as flerp. If you want random, toxx it up.

Hawklad
May 3, 2003


College Slice

Can't decide so I'll :toxx: for Box 6 or random if it's already taken

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

ThirdEmperor posted:

What's in :toxx: box number ten?

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder!

DSM PARAPHRASE - An incident that leads to PTSD symptoms can be either directly experienced or witnessed. The manifestations of PTSD include; involuntary and intrusive memories of the event. Dissociative reactions (flashbacks) where the person believes they are reliving the event. A person suffering from PTSD may become highly avoidant of activities that could potentially lead them to be triggered into having a flashback.

MY SPIN - We're all pretty familiar with PTSD and what flashbacks are. It's important to note that you don't need to be directly in a situation to acquire symptoms of PTSD. A common example is when someone learns about the death of a loved one they can find that they are triggered into reliving that experience. So, you've got options!

302 BONUS RNG WORDS

Armack
Jan 27, 2006


In with Pedophilic Disorder.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Kaishai posted:

In with pyromania.

DSM PARAPHRASE - The fascination with fire. Not necessarily limited to setting things on fire. Before a fire related incident occurs, a person with Pyromania may find themselves in a state of affective arousal.

MY SPIN - We all know what this is. The DSM does also point out that it's a predominantly male disorder and occurs more frequently in folks who struggle with social skills.


Sitting Here posted:

goddammit chili. IN with schizotypal personality disorder.

DSM PARAPHRASE - A person who carries this diagnosis may display signs of social and interpersonal deficits, high levels of discomfort and diminished capacity for close relationships, as well as eccentric behavior. Benchmark indicators are: Ideas of reference, magical thinking, atypical perceptual experiences, odd thinking and speech, paranoid ideation, poor affect, lack of close friends.

MY SPIN - Another very juicy one. It's commonly thought that this is a precursor to Schizophrenia. That is not often the case. A person with this diagnosis will likely hold on to this diagnosis and not "progress" further towards schizophrenia. This personality disorder is highly hereditary.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Hawklad posted:

Can't decide so I'll :toxx: for Box 6 or random if it's already taken

You open the box to find Dissociative Identity Disorder!

DSM PARAPHRASE - Disruption of one identity characterized by multiple personality states. The entire presentation of a person with DID can change when they are expressing a different personality. When a person is in the dissociative state they will commonly experience massive time lapses. These symptoms must not occur as part of any form of substance abuse.

MY SPIN This most commonly occurs when a highly intelligent child is neglected or abused by their caregivers. They internalize their mistreatment and blame themselves for it. But they don't blame their entire self, rather just a bad "part" of themselves. This leads to the complex formations of distinct personalities within one person. The personalities that are formed do not shift but remain age locked. I've worked with a 17-year-old girl who suffered from this and would, at times in sessions, revert entirely to a sobbing 4-year-old presentation who could do nothing but cry on the carpet.

487 BONUS RNG WORDS!

Chili fucked around with this message at 19:37 on Apr 5, 2017

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

:siren: Quick Thing :siren:

Please don't feel married to any of the things I provide in the blurb. My main goal in providing that information is to dispel any major myths that might lead to a clearly misinformed story in accordance with the DSM. But, I may get carried away.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Jitzu_the_Monk posted:

In with Pedophilic Disorder.

DSM PARAPHRASE - Over a period of at least 6 months, a person with this disorder will experience recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, urges, or behaviors involving prepubescent children. To attain this diagnosis the individual must be at least 16 and have physically engaged with someone at least 5 years younger than them.

MY SPIN - Again, we do know pretty much what we're dealing with here. It is important to note that while abuse early in life may be a predictor of pedophilic disorder, later on, it is not nearly as common as we first thought. I'll have to dig around for the number but it's something like only 20% of people who disclose this disorder claim to have been abused sexually as a child. Doesn't mean it's impossible of course, but just a thing I learned some years ago.

Radical and BADical!
Jun 27, 2010

by Lowtax


Fun Shoe

IN. :toxx: Box 5, please

Radical and BADical! fucked around with this message at 19:52 on Apr 5, 2017

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Radical and BADical! posted:

IN. Box 5, please

You open your Toxx Box and find.... Selective Mutism!

DSM PARAPHRASE - Failure to speak in specific social situations, school being the most common. This must last for at least one month and cannot be physiologically derived. It cannot be explained by stuttering, autism spectrum, or schizophrenia. Often, children with Selective Mutism are painfully shy, withdrawn, prone to temper tantrums, and display at least mild oppositional behavior.

MY SPIN - This is nearly always comorbid. That is to say, it occurs with something else. Pay attention to the other traits mentioned that the DSM outlined if you want more details for the character. Remember, it is SELECTIVE not GENERAL so it could very well be that the child could speak perfectly fine in some places and not in others.

644 BONUS RNG WORDS

Chili fucked around with this message at 20:28 on Apr 5, 2017

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

More :toxx: Boxes, because I hate myself.


:toxx: BOX 11 – I have this
:toxx: BOX 12 – Never worked with this, but I’d love to
:toxx: BOX 13 – Worked with this a bunch, really dig the people who have it
:toxx: BOX 14 – A suppressive tool
:toxx: BOX 15 – A diagnosis that showed up in surprising ways in couples counseling


THAT’S IT THOUGH! Once these are gone ya’ll will have to make do without them.

Chili fucked around with this message at 06:41 on Apr 6, 2017

Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

I'm bokeh, you're bokeh


Kaishai posted:

In with pyromania.

oh boy

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME







Chili posted:

More :toxx: Boxes, because I hate myself.


:toxx: BOX 11 – I have this
:toxx: BOX 12 – Never worked with this, but I’d love to
:toxx: BOX 13 – Worked with this a bunch, really dig the people who have it
:toxx: BOX 14 – A suppressive tool
:toxx: BOX 15 – A diagnosis that showed up in surprising ways in couples counseling


THAT’S IT THOUGH! Once these are gone ya’ll will have to make do without them.

I would like to receive an additional diagnosis from :toxx: box 12

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Sitting Here posted:

I would like to receive an additional diagnosis from :toxx: box 12

You open up Box 12 to find... Gambling Disorder!

DSM PARAPHRASE - Problematic gambling behavior that can lead to clinically significant impairment or distress. Must exhibit some of the following symptoms: 1) Need to gamble in escalating quantities from event to event. 2) Becomes restless or irritable when cutting down gambling frequency. 3) Has tried and failed to stop previously. 4) Attempts to "get even " when losing. 5) Lies to conceal gambling. 6) Has lost relationships or jeopardized them in pursuing gambling.

MY SPIN - I often jokingly refer to myself as a degenerate gambler but I really shouldn't. This presents similarly to a substance based addiction without the obvious chemical component. For this, gambling is a true compulsion.

750 Bonus Words

Kenfucius
Dec 8, 2016


In now that work is a place of peace once more.

Claiming Bipolar I.

sparksbloom
Apr 30, 2006


I'll take those extra words. Thanks, Chili.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Kenfucius posted:

In now that work is a place of peace once more.

Claiming Bipolar I.

DSM PARAPHRASE - In order to attain a Bipol 1 disorder diagnosis one must display signs of a manic episode. If you need further details on what constitutes a manic episode, I can expand on that. Additionally, a Major Depressive Episode must occur.

MY SPIN High's and lows. Since you selected this, I'm guessing you probably have a decent handle on the disorder. The DSM is hugely clunky on it, but I can expand further should you need anything.

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003

Porpoise noise continues.


If it's not too late, :toxx: me with box 15!

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Fleta Mcgurn posted:

If it's not too late, :toxx: me with box 15!

You open up your box to find.... Hoarding Disorder!

DSM PARAPHRASE - Immense difficulty with throwing away, or parting with, possession regardless of their value or lack thereof. This is derived from the need to save things and the distress in discarding said things. Living space must be severely compromised for the diagnosis to apply.

MY SPIN - I mentioned that this occurs in a surprising amount of couples that seek therapy in the description of the box. I didn't expect that at all but it certainly does make sense that if a relationship deteriorates, the environment may too! In fact, we could have a chicken and egg situation here.

323 BONUS RNG WORDS

Beige
Sep 13, 2004


I'm in and I would like to claim :toxx: box 11, please.

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Beige posted:

I'm in and I would like to claim :toxx: box 11, please.

You open your box and find that you've been annoying your wife immensely with your Restless Leg Syndrome!

DSM PARAPHRASE - A persistent urge to move one's leg/s. This occurs with greater frequency when idle or moving slowly, and at night. Movement of the leg will sate the urge. For some, the feelings in the leg prior to the urge to move are; creeping, crawling, tingling, burning, or itching. This cannot occur as a result of physiological problems or due to drug abuse or medication.

MY SPIN - This ain't that big of a deal. But it is kind of annoying. It's troubling when trying to sleep, but also troubling while trying to drive. I actually rest my left foot on the dashboard if I've been driving for more than 30 minutes. Do what you will with it!

753 BONUS RANDOM WORDS

The Saddest Rhino
Apr 29, 2009

Behold my brain the golden throne of my consciousness. In here I am seated. Shackled. From here I police the land.



I'll take Adjustment Disorder

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

The Saddest Rhino posted:

I'll take Adjustment Disorder

DSM PARAPHRASE - Stress, or behavioral/emotional symptoms that are due to a recent, identifiable stressor that has occurred within the past 3 months. For the diagnosis to apply the person must have a marked increase in the severity of their stressful presentation prior to the triggering event. These symptoms cannot be due to bereavement and cannot meet the criteria for a more severe mental health disorder.

MY SPIN - This is the diagnosis most practitioners use when trying to bill insurance and are working with a client that doesn't seem to have any significant mental health concerns. Essentially, the environment or relationships in a person's life are typically the antecedents to this disorder. This is sort of a clinical-catch-all when no other diagnosis seems to apply.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

:siren: Little under 24 hours left to sign up. :siren:

Quick note: Feel free to find me on IRC/PM me if you have any questions about any diagnoses before you sign up. Or I suppose you can post here if you don't mind getting hectored into signing up by other folks. Either way, I'm happy to provide a blurb on any of the listed diagnoses from the DSM if I'm asked.

Uranium Phoenix
Jun 20, 2007


RADIOACTIVE DUST SURGE DETECTED


I'm gonna claim 300 bonus words by having a second character with Bipolar II.

BeefSupreme
Sep 14, 2007

Like most things, I am nothing


Critique of All the Future Behind You, by Sitting Here

Sorry this took me so long to get out. I spent a good bit of time wrestling with this story. I followed my (now) usual pattern of summary, analysis, then comments. If you have any questions or want to discuss deeper or tell me your intentions or any of that, obviously you'll see me on IRC at some point.

Summary: The story, narrated in first person by the protagonist, is a string of thoughts from the narrator as he dances in the middle of a park by himself. He casts aspersions on those who watch him dance by himself (or, as he says, with the ghost of his dead wife). He slowly reveals the story of how he ended up a widower (wife died in the fire that consumed their house), as well as some backstory on them as a couple: emigrated from Germany, where they had been "the fire at the heart of Berlin". He works, she shops. He misses her fine things, and so now he steals laundry from strangers. He wears all of that laundry at once, and dances in it, in a sort of strange attempt to feel his wife again. At the end of the story, he continues to dance as a young couple gets closer, and he revels in their public display of affection.

Analysis: I'm not 100% certain what this story's major theme is. The biggest, I guess, is the strange ways that grief manifests in us. This old man longs so desperately to feel the presence of his wife that he tries to manufacture the sensation by wearing things she might have worn, and dancing in the type of place they might have danced (or once upon a time did dance), feeling his own body as he would hers. He is cognizant of the strangeness of it, as people gawk at him, but seems pretty over it. Or maybe he actually likes it, just a bit? There is a bitterness in the way he addresses them in his inner monologue: "Your world, young gawkers. We watched ascension of the devices that you now use to mock me." "Are you recording now, little spies? Are you laughing at an old manís pathetic crooning?" "Watch from your cowardly shadows as I rest my head on the ghost of my wifeís shoulder. Pah!"

In the end, he actually seems to settle on a measure of happiness, watching the young couple have the sort of moment he might have had with his wife. Or perhaps their encounter reminds him viscerally, in a way that his stolen-laundry-dance can't, of his own night in the park. It actually ends on a hopeful note, as love persists beyond the man's own circumstances. The existence of this young couple turns him to hope.

The story is very sympathetic to the narrator, and attempts to impress on the reader the impossibility of understanding the emotional state of another. What to nearly everyone would appear to be socially unacceptable behavior is to the man a desperate attempt to soothe his broken heart. How could they know, asks the story, and if they did, could they even understand? The man accepts this, and is shameless as a result. He calls out everything they are doing--filming, taking pictures, making little comments... And this makes me think that he's actually not only okay with it, but even enjoying it?

The title is All the Future Behind You. About two thirds of the way into the story, the man hearkens back to "that night in Berlin, when my whole future was still in front of me." The man is effectively saying that he has no more future. His whole future has passed, along with his wife. And so, he looks back on his future, behind him, and is attempting to put himself back in that place and time.

Comments: I think your story works, mostly. It's not perfect. I think the timing of information revelation is critical to this story: when we find out what, and in what order, and all that. I am (once again, as in Mrenda's story) reminded of Manchester by the Sea, which I think nailed this reveal. I am reminded of (massive spoilers, obviously)this scene, in particular. I don't think you nail the info reveal. I think we know too early that his house burned down and his wife with it; I think the longer we think him weird, the more powerful that reveal. We could know earlier that he's a laundry thief.

The perspective is a super important choice, and I'm not positive what the right one is. I think first person probably works. But, again, I think it gives us maybe a little too much information. As I told Chili as I pre-crit his story (sorry, Kaishai!), I think sometimes ambiguity can be tremendously helpful in getting the reader inside the head of a character dealing with chaotic emotions. Of course, I'm a big faulkner nerd, so I'm used to that sort of writing. I think there is a version of this story as told by a knowing outsider that works better. Or perhaps some restructuring of information makes this thing stronger. Sorry I can't give you a definitive answer. I've thought a fair bit about it, but don't have much more concrete to say in that regard.

The level of detail in the relationship is good. It feels like a real couple, with real lives. I can imagine this exact couple. I think if you want it to hit harder, though, the wife needs to be more fully realized. Hard to do, when she's only a ghost (oh yeah your story reminds me of Ghost, duh, which in this regard had the benefit of Patrick Swayze playing the deceased loved one). All I really know about her is that she liked to shop, and buy nice things, and also they danced in parks. I know a good bit about them as a couple, but not about her, or, actually, him, either.

It's a hard story to critique. It is in no way a bad story--that is, there is no obvious "fix this" element. Everything is fine. It's in the subtle shading that this thing ultimately falls short of making me feel the weight of the narrator's loss. Some of that is tone, I think. The switch from slightly bitter, shameless old man to hopeful encourager of young love is a little abrupt. He's a little too wild-eyed to feel the deep sadness he is obviously feeling. Of course the counter-argument to all of this is that how could his tone be consistent in the face of his wildly chaotic emotions? Deep sadness, longing, anger, hope... I don't know. You need a better writing coach than me, I think, to polish this one.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Uranium Phoenix posted:

I'm gonna claim 300 bonus words by having a second character with Bipolar II.

DSM PARAPHRASE - Requires both Hypomanic and a Major Depressive Episode within a 2 week period. Hypomanic includes: inflated self-esteem or grandiosity, decreased need for sleep, more talkative, flight of ideas, distractibility, increase in goal-directed activity. Of the Major Depressive Episode would include: depressed mood most of the day (nearly every day within the episode), diminished interest or pleasure in activities, weight loss, insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day, feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt, recurrent thoughts of suicidal ideation or death in general.

MY SPIN - The highs aren't as high as Bipolar I, we're still looking at highs and lows though. Bipolar II is sometimes misdiagnosed as depression since the manic episode isn't as large scale as in I.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME








:eyepop: thank you for the crit

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Here be week 242 crits. I didnít read these in anonymous mode. As usual, my crits are more focused on story/ideas /big picture and less so on the nitty gritty and the technical because Iím very poorly educated and likely cannot help you there. Iím always happy to talk about your story on IRC. Iím more useful there than here. And again, my reading comprehension isnít amazing. Anyway, enough apologizing for myself, I read your words, here are more words.

Blood and death and all that fun stuff

Lol an off-the-cuff title, youíre a hero.

Run-N-Gun Notes: Strongish opening, you the voice is already a little inconsistent. Seems a little old and a little young in parts.

It walkd over to me, its body and tail lumbering over me. This doesnít sing and you know it.

OK, the burrito line got a chuckle out of me. I hope you capitalize on this.

Good smash cut right after.

Iím kinda confused. It was raining blood and yet a burrito place is open and people are out?
I want to like this so much more but Iím having a bitch of a time reconciling the main guts of this story with that horrific opening. Such a huge clash in tone.
Of COURSE Laser Tag! Why?

Uch ok, fine, whatever this story kinda pisses me off.

Overall: Boy does it feel like you just sorta cobbled this thing together as you went along. Itís annoying cos itís actually a pretty fun read but it really doesnít accomplish much of anything else and your devil-may-care title kinda clued me in to the level of thought and care that went into this. Itís not really a DM but itís annoying cos thereís definitely more that can be done with this.

Did he who Made the Lamb Make Thee?

Run-N-Gun Notes: Wordcount, include it please. Like to know how deeply Iím going to be hosed before I start these things. Would also be nice if you bothered to include your music thing. Be nice to judges plz.
OK, what in the Christ even is this story. I know your Chairchucker and youíre a wild and crazy guy, but jesus. What song could you even have gotten? Iím not looking it up because you didnít bother to paste it in. Uch OK, I know Iím not a big technical expert but there are some real basic things that even I donít gently caress up. You know, like not closing off a quotation. This feels sloppy and poorly thought out, and seems like a waste of my time.

Oh my god this conversation is horrible and is accomplishing nothing. It started out kinda funny but now itís not doing a drat thing.

And then it ends.

Overall: I didnít like this. Thereís nothing in here redeemable and itís not funny.

Nourishment and Fuel

Run-N-Gun - Off to a good start. A clean opening that evokes several different senses 2nd person is weird since the 2nd person is so clearly defined. I think the strength of this approach is leaving the ďyouĒ a little bit more vague so that the reader can jump into the ďyouĒ, with each detail of ďyouĒ that isnít like ďmeĒ this gets more and more inaccessible.

Fair bit of telling going on, but youíre showing to. Iím not quite why you do that. Stuff like: When he stood up to your brothers and told them he was going to look after your mother so you could complete your studies it was his passion that convinced them to back down. It was his love for you that drove him to take on that responsibility.

Thereís not a whole lot happening in the first beat to keep my interest. Lotta dialogue and lotta feelings, needs more stuff.

You start off the second beat with more weird combining of showing and telling.

Not gonna lie, youíre rapidly losing my attention in these two people. A romance is fine, but stuff has to happen imo. The whole second beat is an exercise in minutiae. I suppose thereís a way for this to be more compelling/interesting, but it certainly ainít grabbing me.

And it all comes back full circle in the third beat, and maybe I missed the part of this that was supposed to display some kind of growth or conflict but Iím flummoxed by this one.

Overall: This didnít feel like a story as much as it did some snapshots. That can work if the snapshots peppered with snappy dialogue or compelling images but all I got was a lot of emotions and feelings thrown onto ďyouĒ. I donít know why this story needs to be told from that POV. Iím not entirely sure what you were trying to accomplish. Go read Thranguyís story.

Sable

Run-N-Gun: Great hook. Iím on board right away. Eh, the punchiness of the first line kinda gets lost in the rest of the first graph. I donít think you need much more in there. That being said, I like the voice of this. I can see this dude telling this story.

Iím bounding right along through this, if this were long enough to have many pages, Iíd call it a page turner. One little typo ďthe explosions began the early the next week.Ē You get a pass on that, this is still really good.

Overall: This is my favorite right now and I canít imagine something topping it. What a story. Itís got tons of stuff happening, believable characters and motivations, intrigue, and bombs in stomachs. I already see myself going to the mat for this for a win, but hopefully I wonít have to. If there is a nitpick, I suppose Iím not quite sure how it ties into the music? But the quality of the story proper is great.

Behind Closed Doors

Run-N-Gun: Please include prompt info in your post. Makes it easier on the judges and Kaishai.
Another nice hook.

Hm, and now Iím worried that this protagonist is just a massive douche bag who doesnít care about domestic violence. Hereís hoping he grows, changes, or is punished.

And now he wants to expose him for the monster that he is? Since when does he care about that? He was just selfish about it and not giving a poo poo.
Meh, what is this story?

Overall: Well, at least it was easy to road. The prose is functional and at times good, but ultimately, Iím not seeing a story worth telling here. A guy hears some things and seems to not give a gently caress, then kinda does, then kinda tries to do something about, and then nothing kinda happens. Thatís too much kinda for my taste.

Shredding

Run-N-Gun: And yet ANOTHER great hook. I especially love ambitious ones like this that I canít even imagine making sense. Hereís hoping you pull it off!

OK this is all good fun up front, but Iím not seeing much in the way of story in your first couple of paragraphs.

Some more paragraphs, still fun, still no story.

Overall: I guess the story is the thing thatís happening? Like if this lion dude pitched me all of this, Iíd certainly have a story to tell. But I donít know. I enjoyed the writing, it made me laugh, but I suppose if the part of this guyís rambling where he actually told a story was expanded upon, I wouldíve gotten more into this. Still liked it though.

Out of the Past

Run-N-Gun: For some drat reason you always seem to struggle with formatting. This time, everything is space mored than it should be and sometimes there arenít line breaks. Hereís the thing, even if you have a poo poo word processor when you copy and paste this stuff into the forums, hit preview and see if it looks right. I do this every time I submit and I usually spend like a good 10 minutes or so making it look like the other entries. Just do that.

Anyway, onto your story. That first sentence is a wordy mouthful. Thereís also passive voice which weakens the strength of your message. Especially in an opening: ďThe temple was shaped by the craggy side of the mountainĒ < ďThe craggy side of the mountain shaped the templeĒ. Minor fix and there may be some disagreement, but one is much stronger than the other.

Oh jeez, I was OK with some world building in the first graph, but that it extends into the second is troublesome. I was ready to move on and weíre still onto temple descriptions. ďWhatever secrets he kept made her anxious and she did not like that feeling. The bold is bad for many reasons but the this is some major telling in favor of showing.

Goofy punctuation in your dialogue, like, even worse than my punctuation in dialogue, what is going on here bro? And seriously, what is with the formatting? Itís so horribly distracting and I just have to imagine this is an easy-as-hell fix.

OK, I keep getting distracted by small poo poo and formatting issues. Itís impossible to stay focused in this story as a reader.

Overall: Clean this thing up. It needs a proof pass and it needs a loving preview edit. I donít know why in the world this continues to be a problem for you.

Thereís a Little Beauty, Here and There

Run-N-Gun: I have a feeling that Iím going to be kinder to this than the other judges. This takes a while to get going but Iím a sucker for good nostalgia about grandfatherly old men.

This is falling into the trend of ďnot quite a storyĒ that this week seems to be sporting. Iím still enjoying this enough though.

Oh, I like this, schmaltz and all.

Overall: This was a quick and enjoyable read for me, but again Iím a sucker for this type of thing. I do think you did a nice job of handling your characters. They were believable, and their motivations made sense. The tone of the piece helped you out a lot here; it had warmth and kindness all the way through.

Austrian Acrobatics

Run-N-Gun: I donít love this as a hook because thereís a promise of something greater. If youíre gonna open with the potential for arson, I want to see the arson, not here about someone suppressing the urge.
ďShe hated her partner. He was just so cheerful, and goofy. Sure, she should be glad to still be allowed to work at all, especially after the complaints from her previous partners. It was probably why Interpol put her with the German beanpole, chasing down cocaine runners in the first place. She knew that she was on her last chance, and if half a year of sensitivity and anger training couldn't stop her from punching the worst in the face, she certainly wouldn't ever get to work with the best again.Ē Thatís a lot of exposition this early.

Iím getting kinda lost in this one? Not really following much of what is going on.

It takes a really long time before we see much in the way of action.

I donít get the ending.

Overall: Iím not quite sure what this story is? Thereís way more exposition present in the story than you need and it distracts and causes a significant loss of momentum. I may reread this and provide a better, more thoughtful crit at a later time.

Wise Up Ghost

Run-N-Gun: The hook is cumbersome as hell. Consider how much snappier ďIíve lived all my life with a spectre hanging over meĒ is. Yeah, we donít learn as much but now Iím more curious. The whole opening paragraph is pretty clunky now that Iím looking at it.

Iím going through this now and the prose is falling flat. Objective is the word Iíll use here. Everything is presented in such a way that I donít get the vibe that the voice behind the piece cares all that much about whatís going on.

Also you mention the promise of a spectre early on and this is suddenly feeling very ďPepperidge farm remembersĒ and not so much ghosts. This is really starting to drag about halfway through. Thereís this tangential ghost chat but nothing is happening because of it and I need more. Iím having a hard time with the ghostly elements of this story.

Overall: This got slow, quickly. I found myself glazing over a couple of times as I was reading this because it didnít feel like anyone really gave a poo poo about the proceedings in the story. Raise your stakes.

All the Future Behind You

Run-N-Gun: OK so this feels like a carnival/sideshow presentation from the jump. The first two sentence of the second graph at are odd with one another what itís like/what it is like. Clunky.
OK so this is a goofy blowhard being all blowhardy. I can live with that, but Iím hoping this goes somewhere beyond ďkook in the parkĒ.

Eh, it doesnít really do much beyond kook in the park. But I kinda liked it?

Overall: Not much in the way of story. Like thereís a little one in there. The voice in this is strong. You somehow managed to make this feel like not perfect English without it seeming gratuitous and thatís a significant feat. But otherwise this didnít grab me like I wanted it too.

Violet Fire

Run-N-Gun: Not crazy about the hook, get that itís in-media-resish but thereís not much in the way of attention grabbing going on here.
Couple hundred words into this and Iím kinda lost as to whatís going on. Some kind of coming of age rite of passage thing with punches in the belly?

Couple more hundred and Iím still lost.

Kirta seems to be doing a rumspringa of sorts? Iím unclear of the role that Cauley is playing in all of this. It looked like he was left behind at first but heís really with Kirta? Iím confused.

Overall: It took me a bit but I found my way into understanding what was going on. Overall ,sections like this:

ďThe light topside blasted her eyes despite the hat's broad brim. The remains of the winter fields broke up the land within sight of the ladder's crest, all dead now with summer so close. The rest of the vista was cracked dirt and dust. Despite the filtering of her scarf, the taste of grit soon coated Kirta's tongue and throat. Heat pulsed from the ground in rhythm with her heart.Ē

End up feeling overindulgent to me and make me want more things to happen. When Iím already confused, this type of things makes me lose even more hope in a story.

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


In with GAD.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Gotcha KoL, and I just gabbed a bit over IRC. Find me if you need more info on the diagnosis.

30 minutes left to sign up!

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







Crits for week 243, eurovision the eurovisioning- i'm about halfway through, I'll get them finished over the next few hours.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Sign ups closed, get crackin' you sick bastards.

RandomPauI
Nov 24, 2006




Grimey Drawer

I'm confused, I thought signups were open until November 9th and we had to turn things in on the 11th.

RandomPauI
Nov 24, 2006




Grimey Drawer

Addendum, since editing isn't allowed: I would have requested Disorder of Extreme Stress, Not Otherwise Specified, for my primary, and box 13.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

RandomPauI posted:

I'm confused, I thought signups were open until November 9th and we had to turn things in on the 11th.

This is a very perplexing post. If you go look at my prompt post, you'll find that is not the case.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







lol chili you buffoon, you nonghead, you snuckgobbler

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sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







Chili posted:

Thunderdome Week CCXLIV: Unspecified Word Disorder


Sign Up Deadline is 11/7 1159PM EDT
Submission Deadline is 11/9 11:59PM EDT


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