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Djeser posted:Thunderdome would be easier if we all just had two hours from signup to write because we all do it last minute anyway lmao says you
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Jan 10, 2017 08:02
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also, in.
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Jan 10, 2017 08:02
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sittinghere posted:im a dumb poopy buttbrains fart fart fart, that's the sound my brains makes
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Jan 10, 2017 08:04
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IN 
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Jan 10, 2017 08:05
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 In For Two This Week Because The Blood Queen Demands It on this one too I guess...EDIT: Just a regular toxx on this one though.
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Jan 10, 2017 08:25
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Djeser posted:Wake Up In The Morning Feelin' Like E. Tiddy SkaAndScreenplays posted:
yes good more
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Jan 10, 2017 08:33
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SkaAndScreenplays posted:
hey yeah ill write two stories idgaf and theyll both be better than urs
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Jan 10, 2017 08:39
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great, i can't wait to read more bad words
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Jan 10, 2017 08:54
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haha just kidding, if i were that invested in reading bad words i would just subscribe to lowtax's twitter. anyway pls write some good words
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Jan 10, 2017 08:57
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I'm in. I'm so loving in.
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Jan 10, 2017 10:01
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Mercedes posted:I'm in. I'm so loving in. Aww yisssss
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Jan 10, 2017 10:26
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Oh hey a chance to bloat my wordcount and make SH hate herself. In. I will finish crits for The War, On Christmas week before I submit a story this week.
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Jan 10, 2017 10:39
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rhino finish your loving noir crits or BRAWL ME YOU SON OF A BITCH I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL HUNT YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH FOR THESE CRITS AND THEN I WILL END YOU TOO THREE ROUNDS
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Jan 10, 2017 11:06
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 ALSO IM IN
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Jan 10, 2017 11:07
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Yeah OK I'll write something I guess.
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Jan 10, 2017 13:33
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in Is there a PO box or something for the blood? Also this week we should prolly allow smut.
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Jan 10, 2017 16:39
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katdicks posted:in Lmao In with my gay slashfic
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Jan 10, 2017 16:50
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loving look at these goddamn sexy signups holy cow lol watch this week backfire and we lose half of thunderdome Sitting Here posted:
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Jan 10, 2017 18:31
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Kid Krits The “notes” section is written as I’m going through, “overall” is after I’ve read your story. As per usual, people who submitted stories earlier get more brainpower, and usually more words out of me. Please keep in mind, I judged and critted these stories while I had 2 week old kittens climbing on me. This meant that any given moment I was in a fabulous mood or in excruciating needle-kitty-claw pain. Who knows which story got which chili?! As always, if I didn’t go as in depth as you’d like, feel free to holler at me on IRC, I always enjoy talking shop. Gonna Catch a Big One Notes – Susan is the “rest of the expediton”, not a huge fan of this unless you’re basically saying that she’s the one actually in control. You’re taking for granted that we know these characters are kids. That’s ok, but I’d prefer to see a bit more characterization up front. Imagine that this story was read by a stranger, they wouldn’t understand why you have people who are going on an expedition that would involve bears, but not know what they eat. The whole opening was weak. You basically just established and didn’t tell much of a story or get me interested. You didn’t use a ton of words, so that’s good, but you also didn’t hook me, and that’s bad. “Mum stopped him before he got out the door and made sure he put on a jacket first, because it was cold out there and he would catch a cold, and was also making her cold just looking at him.” I think you’re going for humor here, but it doesn’t really land. This is a story that’s supposed to be focusing on the kids, but in your second beat the humor is mostly derived from how parents see kids. Not a huge fan of that. “Is it purring?” asked Susan. “I don’t think bears cry,” What? She dropped the rest of the sandwiches in front of the bear, and they quickly made their way around to the trap. Susan crammed the stick into the trap. Ew. Oh come on, that’s it? Overall: This was fine I guess, but there were essentially no strong choices in this story. Apart from the cutesy kid stuff, which you did a pretty decent job with, there was no tension and nothing happened that really mattered. The most interesting part of your story is when they find the bear, that happens far too late. Start there. Now you’ve got kids with a trapped bear and maybe 800 words to play with. You can do a lot with that. What I was hoping for was that the momma bear would show up and then you’d shift perspectives to her perception, just like you did with the kid’s moms, which would have been a fun parallel. Something like “Momma bear though that these things with two legs were surely torturing her cub, because that’s what things with two legs generally do… etc” Instead, they find the bear, free it, go home seemingly feeling very little about their accomplishments and the story ends. I get that they were going hunting and they ended up freeing which is like soooooo opposite, but come on, there’s more to tell here. An easy read, but not a particularly riveting one. I wish you went bigger. Scales Notes: “Maddie and I were not supposed to go to the public pool on our own, but this one evening under a summer heat-wave, Dad had hesitantly let us out of his sight.” That don’t sound like no kid. Yeah and in your next few graphs, that problem seems to be continuing, this sounds like a 20-something writing a story. “We carried it with us down the road until we reached the beach with those dunes that glowed like giant pieces of buried amber washed up ages ago.” Oh come on, now it doesn’t even feel like you’re trying. Got an odd parenthetical sentence. Not sure why you did that. The whole thing is her though process. If you were going for something on the backburner dashes would’ve been better here. ” It’d only be a few minutes before I was home, and the desire to be on the couch with Disney Channel on, sitting on a big beach towel as I air-dried, grew overwhelming.” This sentence sucks, read it out loud. Sea-foam came sailing in on chest-high waves - not the common yellowish kind of foam, but pearly white stuff, and Maddie saw it swirl around her legs. Not quite how dashes work. That ending tho…. What? Why does her hearing the latch fall into place matter at all? Overall: I like that you went for the point of view from the actual kid. That is, in my mind, the stronger choice this week. It’s riskier but gives a better opportunity for showcasing kidvoice. Unfortunately, you didn’t do a great job of that. Her voice was uneven. Sometimes she sounded like a kid, sometimes she sounded like an adult writing a story. As for the story proper, for some reason, this feels like it was based off something personal. Whether or not that’s true, it’s good. It feels like it really happened. I believed it. The bad news, however, is that again, not much happens. Kid tries something, it doesn’t work, that’s pretty much the story. Make a bigger choice. What if Maddie got badly injured? You raised the stakes by letting us know there’d be trouble if that happened, and then it doesn’t happen. I’m not trying to rewrite your story, but I’m just bummed that it didn’t have more weight to it. Agua Mala, Agua Pura Notes: Read the prompt hurfdurf. Right off the bat, the point of view is clearly an adult narrator, which is fine, but I’m gonna want some good kid dialogue to make up for it. He saw firsthand, her unending thirst and would take glasses, bowls, cut open milk jugs, and leave them out on the windowsill of their bedroom during rainy days. This is kind of a mess of a sentence. These images would make him melancholy. Thanks for the feelings update. The next statement should do that work for you. And it kinda does. You shouldn’t lead into it by telling us how your character feels. Reading through this, I’m honestly pretty lost. We’re not hearing enough from the kids. Yeah, sorry, I’m continuing on and I’m just having the hardest times grasping what in the Christ is happening with this story. Overall: You lost me. This was just unclear and hardly gave us much in the way of a kid story. Stuff happening to kids doesn’t really cut it so much, needed more agency, early on. The Understudy Notes: Right off the bat, you’re nailing this prompt. This is good kids voice, you set up a really dumb underthought kid plan with great clarity, and I am on board with your story. Very nice. I didn't have a problem with her. I mean, she was totally wrong for Peter Pan, but I didn't think she was disgusting. I like this. "I dare you," Marissa said, as her eyes darted around the room, "to take a sip of that gross stuff Kat always carries around." So happy you’re story went in this direction. Let this be a lesson to everyone. When you set up a scenario with a clear outcome, if the clear outcome happens, you have a lovely story. Tom should drink the poison, not Marissa. Good lesson for stories. Tony unscrewed the cap, and took a sniff. "This smells nasty," he said. We all leaned in close as he moved the bottle to his mouth. I was seriously about to tackle him for it, but then I thought: wouldn't it be fun to play Captain Hook? Yeah, they didn't usually let girls do it, but maybe they'd make an exception for me? Wasn't I villainous, more villainous than any of the boys? Yeah, this is still firing on all cylinders. Funny and good. [ii]I've never been one to turn down a dare. I drank, drank, and drank, making eye contact with Marissa the whole time. My stomach churned as the other campers cheered, and I just kept staring at Marissa, just to make sure, whatever the outcome, one of us would see this to the end.[/i]…. You had me until here. I don’t understand this ending. Overall: So for the most part, mostly everything here worked. Your voice was spot on, the stakes were established quickly and the motivations made sense. I loved how the character kept on referring to people and then mentioning their roles. It was a really nice touch. As for the ending… it doesn’t really feel like an ending? I mean your character wanted something, then didn’t get it, then very quickly rolled with the punches, and then the story kinda ends? Why does it matter that she’s staring at Marissa, Marissa has essentially nothing to do with any of this, she’s even characterized by the protag as not all that bad. This was still a pretty strong entry; I just wanted more out of the ending. Letters Notes: Right of the bat, lose “pouted” in your opening line, we can infer as much. Your first beat doesn’t get me excited to read everything else. You haven’t set up much, except for some curiosity about a letter, and some whiney kids. That’s not much of a hook. The next beat doesn’t do much else either. We learn that Edward is basically a standard big brother, trying then getting frustrated, fine. I don’t see why this is in a story. Richard brought the letters to the window anyways. You didn’t establish this tone, so don’t start up with it now. Good ending. Overall: Your ending saved your bacon here. I’ll admit I’m a little annoyed I didn’t see it coming, because in hindsight, it’s somewhat obvious. Regardless, it ended up being a sweet brother story and those always find my favor easily. The problems with your story start early and make it kind of difficult for there to be enough interest to carry your everyday sort of reader to the end. Really, who wants to read a story about a whiney kid and his lovely older brother? Of course, that’s not how it ends, but we spend the bulk of the story without that good bit of information. I’m not quite sure how to go about fixing that, but my 2 cents tells me that a story where we follow Edward a bit more instead of Richard, and see how he covers things up and has to suffer silently and stay strong for his brother may have overall been more compelling. Resizer Notes: Child narrator using the word embankment…oy vey. Not a great hook overall, haven’t given me much of a reason to care about this story anywhere in your first beat. Second beat is pure characterization, would’ve preferred to have some story happen. Ok, so I may be getting caught up on the prompt, but again, this is just bothering me. Sentences like this: Moments later, I saw the pyramid shaped cabin hovering along the tracks through the narrow cutaway of the birch trees. just don’t sound like they are coming from a kid POV. I’m annoyed with this because writing in a new voice is a fun opportunity and it seems like people are largely blowing it. So at this point, I’m halfway through the story and I have no idea what they’re going to do. They’ve done a lot of walking, and the story has basically been a “let’s round up the posse” type of deal. Now, don’t get me wrong, rounding up the posse is great… in a novel, but you’ve got 1200 words to play with and you’ve spent half of them not telling your story. This is a problem. My dad says that they only use these things on, wood and stone, but he told me that they could work on anything as long as it’s strong. I’ve avoided being pedantic and nitpicking grammar on everyone’s stories up until now. THOSE COMMAS brought me out of that however. What is with THOSE COMMAS 12 year olds don’t say iridescent. So help me, if one of these kids gets “resized” I’m going to very angry with you, authorperson. Oh good, they only squished a hobo. Nobody cares about hobos. Overall: You wrote a story where one thing happened. And that one thing was that a hobo got squished. That’s not very nice. Reconsider your life choices. We’re Not Supposed To (this is the best title so far, gives some idea as to what’s going on and sets a kidlike tone) Oh, and hey, a nice hook that gets things going, if not a little awkwardly phrased. Otherwise though, not bad. And now you're kinda losing me a bit with this description of the injury and the wound. Also, now I’m confused if the character was calling “uncle” as a plea for mercy or for their actual uncle. Oh it seems like it’s the latter. Now your hook is less hooky and promised something that isn’t being delivered. And now there’s blocking galore. This is getting harder to follow. Ok, I may just be a dumb guy, but why is the uncle(who is begrudgingly a real person and not a cry for mercy as your story got me excited for) firing a gun. What is happening? WHAT IS GOING ON?! Alright got to the ending. Still can’t tell you what this is about. Overall: Story starts with an injured person and then an uncle fires a gun. I don’t know. There’s too many kids doing too many things, moving around in too many places. This whole story just kinda loses me quickly. And seriously, I’ve probably said it enough at this point, but consider what it means when a kid shouts UNCLE and then some other kid won’t let them leave. The Treehouse Heist Notes: YAY! Now this is a hook that gets me into the story. Good word choice here, and I know what’s going on. “Sher-iff Devin is a poo-py butt,” came the song. “He eats his poop and he liiiiii-kes it.” I hate that this made me laugh; you’re a bad person. Reading this, I’m getting an Andy-playing-with-his-toys vibe. That is a good thing. Read the rest quickly. Overall: This was a good little action piece. I like that you told it straight. It helped contrast the dialogue. I wanted more, so well done there. I think that you nabbed the spirit of this prompt the best so far, but this was a little light. Play is a good place to explore what’s really going on with character but you didn’t go much below the surface here with that. Not a big deal really, this was strong. The Terrible Truth of (Personal) Space I had to stop and reread a bunch of stuff in your opening graph. he said, his eyes large as a hadron collider particle accelerator. naaaaahhhh 12 year olds analyze Shakespeare, what kinda school are these kids going to? Reading this I’m not quite sure what the deal is? Alright got to the end and I’m having a hard time with this one. Overall: Not really sure what you were going for here. These kids don’t feel like kids, which I think is kinda the point you’re going for but it doesn’t really make for a compelling story. I’m also hung up on what’s real and what’s not. It sure seems like this is imagination station, but these kids are 12 and seemingly doing really advanced schoolwork so that doesn’t really work. The alternative would be that they’re really in some kind of pickle and if that’s the case, I don’t think 12 year olds would be handling the situation with such aplomb. Big duck, little duck Starting your story with a character “not minding” something isn’t exactly a strong choice. Other than though, you painted a nice picture with your opener. Lose the “so” in your second graph. Halfway through and you’ve got me hoping for a good ending. I like this enough so far. Ending was kinda nice but didn’t really do much. Overall: This wasn’t much for story. Kinda similar in theme to what we’ve seen so far in that there’s an older sibling who ultimately does right by their younger sibling. Your whole story boils down to a bullshit mom dragging a 5 year old to a pageant, the kid doesn’t like it and the sister reassures her. Their relationship isn’t highlighted enough for the meat of the story to be that minimal in nature. This wasn’t bad, but it didn’t wow me. The Percussionists Notes: Decent enough opening. You tell us what’s up, the problem is defined nicely, and that attitude of what appears to be your protag is illustrated. Your dialogue is poppin. Making for a quick read. Nitpick point, just a preference thing, but start your character’s names with different letters. Makes for easier reading. He didn't hit his face, not hard, that doesn’t read nicely. Overall: Probably my favorite so far? The relationships are the focus and, fortunately, the highlight of the piece. The characters speak naturally to each other and another glimmer in the story is the comic imagery of the pathetic cannonball. It’s also a refreshing change of pace to have a friendship thing in what appears to be a sibling heavy week. Anyway, good story. Keys to the Kingdom Notes: Nice opening. Got me slightly concerned that it’s going to be hard to keep track of the characters/blocking throughout the story, let’s hope I’m wrong. The characterization of Leslie is solid. Not really much of an ending. Overall: Good little story. Not a whole lot in terms of plot, but that’s OK because, as in the last story, the relationship dynamics work. The kids are good I especially like the “can I edict that?” bit, you used language to decent effect here. Kinda wanted more out of the ending, it all just seems largely out of the protag’s hands. But otherwise, this was solid enough. It’s Not Much to Listen Notes: Oh sheeeeeyit, we got ourselves a heavy story a-brewin! Good opener, and liking the point of view from the kid. We get a ton of information very quickly and the voice is established. This is how it’s done, folks. His dad pushed him along and his dad went with my Mom into the living room. Ew. Read your stuff out loud please. And more pretty glaring proofing errors. This needs a cleanup pass. Ok, read the rest fairly easily, but that’s not so great in this situation. Overall: This is a big old bowl of JEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ. Just a rough ending and I’m not sure what the point of the story was at all. Not sure I get what you were going for. This is a sad story for sadness’s sake. Don’t think you’re accomplishing all that much else. There we some nice touches here and there. The Big Bird blanket, for whatever reason, kinda resonated with me and helped paint the picture. Without a Clue Notes: Lotta unfamiliar stuff going on, hope my little brain can keep up. Alright, well I thought some other stories were avoiding the whole “these should sound like kids” element of the prompt, but you are just wholesale ignoring it entirely. These do not sound like kids. What even is this story? Who are these people and what is going on? I can’t keep track of any of this for the life of me. Overall: I’m kind of at a loss? It ends with a decapitation so that’s…. cool I guess? Oy Vey. The Lost Gold of Old Man Finkelstein Notes: Takes a bit to get going. Don’t really know what the kids are up to from the jump, could use a bit more here. Read the rest pretty quickly. It works kinda but I didn’t care about much of any of it and didn’t find anything particularly funny. Overall: Not sure what you were going for here. Not detecting any good chemistry between the kids that makes for a good story and the dialogue needs a bit of work. There were also some proofing problems. Didn’t dig the ending. Unruined Notes: Good Hook. Boy is this talk-heavy. Problem is, it’s not quite snappy enough to carry the story. I like the skeleton angle, and I like that the story is a bit distant from reality. Apart from that, I’m not getting much here. Overall- Gotta work on making the dialog more meaty, it does sound like it’s coming from kids, I’ll give you that, but it’s not moving the story enough and it’s not telling me enough about who the kids are. I don’t know, this was fine I guess, had a bit of a time following much of it but it kinda worked in parts. Dumb Baby Stuff Notes: First three graphs are worldbuildy and scene setting. Not poorly done or anything but there’s also not a lot to hook me in to the story until that very last bit. The imagery of the kids catching the parent's loving was striking and handled perfectly. I like this. Got through it quickly. Overall: Good story, with a lot of good little moments in it. The dynamic between the kids is solid and the backdrop of their imagination set in contrast to the real world events is nicely balanced. This was also one of the better endings of the week so far. Missing Pieces Notes: Hook has a pop culture reference that I got, but didn’t care for. About a quarter through and your voice is pretty solid, but there ain’t much in the way of a story so far. Halfway through now, still the same issue. And yeah, now we’re at the end and yeah… pretty much the same issue again. Overall: I enjoyed the read enough but not a whole happened that showcased strong choices. Could just be me running out of steam, or maybe the kittens clawing into my thighs, but I guess I’d like to see more. Not a horrible entry, but I wanted more.
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Jan 10, 2017 18:46
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I've been meaning to get involved in some sort of writing group thing, so I'm dipping my toes in for this week.
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Jan 10, 2017 18:46
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War, On Christmas crits Hello youse. Before I begin with the crits proper, let's have a little CYOA. If you're trying to write a story, go to (1). If you're trying to write a vignette, something artsy or otherwise not-a-story, go to (2). (1) For a story to work, you need to pique and hold my interest, and you need to do it fast. Do this in the first twenty percent of your story to leave enough time to deal with plot and character development, tension building, climax and refractory period/denouement. Remember, this isn't a novel, this is flash fiction. If I splash out  for your selfpub werepire gayrotica, you can get away with fifty pages setting up the brilliant plot twist where, despite all protestations to the contrary, Dracuwolf really does want it up the butt from Count Chocula.In your average Thunderdome entry, you have 1000 words. In the first hundred, I want to know at least some of the following: * WHO is involved? * WHAT is at stake? * WHERE is the story set? * WHEN does it take place? * WHY is this moment important? By the third hundred, I should have a good handle of all five, and you'd better've started down the path to your plot development and climax, because poo poo, kid, you've only got seven hundred words left. (2) Go gently caress yourself. And now for our feature presentation...! Boaz-Jachim / Flight: This is a very longwinded way of writing about a guy being chased by another guy, more focused on finding "clever" ways of obliquely describing the action than actually informing the reader about either the runner or the shooter's actions, and it ends with the wet fart of the shooter letting the runner go without so much as a hint of why. Why is this chase interesting? Why does the runner get away? Why do I care about this hazy, gray world you've implied? I have no idea what's at stake, beside the immediate "runner is gonna get shot" -- that sort of thing can work, if I care about the runner, but I don't, so this is kinda like watching a Natural Geographic special where a lion stalks a gazelle, except I'm high on paint thinner and watching it on a smeary black & white TV from the sixties with bad reception. Work on clarity and pacing. Tier: Bad. The Unholy Ghost / System Memory: Like the previous entry, this one commits the sin of trying to be writerly and profound without having earned the privilege. For nearly two thirds of your overly-verbose entry, you bore me with tedious irrelevancies trying to build a dystopian near-future but without so much as a whiff of why this event is interesting. Then a gun gets pulled in an artificial attempt to inject some tension and action, but since I can barely distinguish any of the bland papercraft dolls you're passing off as "characters", it falls flat. Worse, the ending that reveals that this is some guy blandly trying to replay the depicted event over and over again also shows us that this particular iteration had no gravitas -- look, this is an idea that could work in a longer piece, so long as you didn't mind aping the poo poo out of your average Philip K Dick novel, but you haven't the time in 1000-2000 words to convey the horror of being trapped in such a loop, nor the redemption of breaking out or the misery of surrendering to one's fate. Tier: Bad. Mrenda / Christmas to Forget: The cardinal sin this piece commits is withholding information that's crucial to the plot until the end. I cannot sympathize with two characters barfing backstory at me without the contextual information that their Earth is about to get nuked from orbit; hell, up until the final paragraphs, I didn't even know this was a sci-fi story. Really, the characters are sockpuppets through most of the story. Please stop using dialogue as a longwinded substitute for exposition. Tier: Bad. Thranguy / A Snowball's Chance: I got an immediate smile from the juxtaposition of military verbiage with a children's snowball fight. Your story's action and scenario are clear and well-presented. I like the terse, declarative style of your sentences here; it compliments the theme of the piece without jumping up and down screaming "LOOK AT ME" like so many overt styles do in TD stories. Where it falls down is in the final 2-3 paragraphs, this twists around from being a weird, lighthearted snowball fight into something that's attempting to build character, and I don't really quite get the moral you're looking to put forward, unless it's "always wear safety equipment like a square, kids". It feels like you just didn't know how to tie up this piece. Also, there's a few proofing errors. A few turns of phrase (esp. "Geneva-Conventions-violating snowball") are too awkward to come off as cute or clever. Overall, though, I didn't hate this. Tier: Meh+. GenJoe / Eris: For gently caress's sake, leave off the enter key! You do not need to put every loving sentence on a new line; it makes the prose harder to read and immediately distracts me from the actual writing. Which is stilted and muddled. I barely know who these characters are or what they're involved in, but I do know that they love shouting emotionally-charged yet narratively-empty dialogue at one another. When you're writing dialogue, like any other kind of sentence in a story, ask yourself: how does this line reveal character or advance the plot? A bit of flavoring is all right, but your characters do not need to precisely imitate the cadences of a real conversation; we do not need every single "hmm" and "yeah" and "what?", we need meaning. The "don't tell Charlie I'm Santa" device is clever and cute, but the rest of this story is muddled garbage. Tier: Bad. Benny Profane / A Saturnalian Carol: I was originally predisposed to liking this story, because it'd be cool to see a biopiece that delves into Cicero's hatred of Carthage and the politics of the Punic Wars. And then you wrote a whole lot of pretty-but-empty words that depict the literal images of a weird pseudosupernatural rite without any context or tie back to the rest of the story. Too much heady detail, too little character or plot movement. I have no idea how scene two ties into scene one, at all. Tier: Bad. Lead out in Cuffs / The Necessary: Despite the ugly formatting, I'm inclined to enjoy a story about the struggle of a woman to get by during the London Blitz. The dialogue could use some fat-trimming while the descriptions of setting and action could use some fleshing out; I need more meat to really get into the desperation of the characters to really empathize with their struggle. You need more than one minor plot beat where Mary grits her teeth and does the necessary before you really earn the gruesome ending. Good job on making something I didn't immediately hate. Tier: Meh. Baleful Osmium Sea / "Father...": This story is directly in my wheelhouse. The contrast of fantasy-fairytale bombast with wry Pratchettian ridiculousness is exactly what I like. The only thing I wasn't totally sold on was the violence paragraph immediately following the "god of Wha" joke; that violence paragraph is muddled and unfocused and feels out of place. Still, I found the jokes amusing and the pacing good. Only reason this didn't win is that both my co-judges didn't like it. Sorry-notsorry. Tier: Good. Entenzahn / Live the People: The failure of this piece is that it's all action. The characters feel like marionettes instead of people, and the plot like a series of events instead of a meaningful narrative. 'm guessing you were trying for something like this but without a "happy" ending. Without more plot for the action to hang on, it's too hard for me to get invested or interested. Tier: Meh. katdicks / Ashes: Another all-action vignette. There's lots of words spent on motion and noise, but too little on motivation or character. The "crying baby" bit feels like a cheap attempt to tug at the reader's sympathy. There's numerous places where the use of language changes oddly: heartfelt at one moment, mechanistic at the next, and I'm not inclined to say that those choices were intentional. Setting your piece in the Syrian Civil War was a courageous choice, but in the end I still need a good strong character for this narrative to be more than sockpuppets prancing on a stage. Tier: Meh-. Chili / Memories in Blue: This feels like a small part of something larger, and that feeling doesn't help the piece. I feel like I'm expected to know more about these characters than I do; Macy just seems like a slab of cardboard to me, a bland everyman protagonist meant to stand in for the reader, but it doesn't work. I'm really missing a reason to care about these characters. The "Jews" phrase feels tacked on, like you're trying too hard to be edgy. The worst part is that Mama Sue's death really doesn't do much for the plot, and also feels predictable. Perhaps you foreshadowed it a bit too hard? Tier: Bad. sebmojo / Goodwill to all men (and ultramen): I got some good "WTF" chuckles out of this one; its gleeful ridiculousness is its saving grace. Thing is, it's rife with proofing errors that distract from the humor, and there's a few places where the continuity seems out of whack: I did a double-take and had to reread the sentence where a character "flung the twin dogs aside", and Pertinax shows up far too soon after Thraggo for Thraggo's earlier comment to not seem directed at Pertinax. The revelation of their relationship doesn't really feel like it naturally emerges from their earlier behavior; I'd expect more love/hate playacting to really sell it. This feels like something you rammed out without going back to edit for consistency or syntax. It'll win because it's at least second place for all the judges. Tier: Good-. ThirdEmperor / Fifty Years and a Wakeup: This story combines the sins of GenJoe and Mrenda: it willfully and clumsily obscures the information needed to really make sense of its plot and characters while also consisting mostly of tedious dialogue that two characters shout at one another. In the end, I got that you were trying to go for some kind of Forever War thing, but by the time I figured it out, the piece was over and I'd ceased to care. All the shouty dialogue makes this a real slog to read through, and "freezerburn" makes me think Gramps needs to store his dentures in better Ziplocs -- find a different name for the affliction? Work on your clarity, work on your dialogue (see GenJoe's crit for more on this), work on delivering exposition in a timely manner. Tier: Sewage. BeefSupreme / A Christmas Feast: A vignette that's again mostly concerned with delivering action; I see that you're trying to deliver some characterization with the action, but it's spread too thin, and the sausage device is too one-note to work. Gimme more than just "my gramma makes the bestest sausage". Also, who the hell is going to eat sausage that's been rotting in the hold of a military cargo ship for the better part of a year? Dude's going to be hovering over the latrine for days. Anyway, this needs more character for its plot to hang together, or a tighter, better-paced plot than "gotta win back gramma's sausage" to earn its gunplay. Tier: Meh-. SkaAndScreenplays / Throw Another Yule Log On the Ceasefire: The idea of a kid giving a squad of soldiers gifts for Christmas is cute, but it's not executed well enough for this to be a satisfying vignette, and there's no real development -- you spent the entire time going through the presents and not enough building this character up for me to have empathy for your conclusion. Also, I generally dislike vignettes. Give me some plot or development to give this gift-giving scene some impact. Tier: Bad.
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Jan 10, 2017 19:12
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In.
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Jan 10, 2017 19:56
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to do crits for the last two weeks i judged by subs close this week.
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Jan 10, 2017 20:39
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In while listening to Bobby Womack.
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Jan 10, 2017 21:32
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Jan 10, 2017 22:43
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Jan 11, 2017 02:30
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Entenzahn posted:rhino finish your loving noir crits or BRAWL ME YOU SON OF A BITCH I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL HUNT YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH FOR THESE CRITS AND THEN I WILL END YOU TOO what if............... i don't!
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Jan 11, 2017 02:52
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hello. i am your third judge. i have nothing inside me. figuratively. the person who puts something. anything. the biggest thing. the best thing. inside me. will be my choice for winner.
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Jan 11, 2017 03:03
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make me feel anything.
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Jan 11, 2017 03:05
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a new study bible! posted:hello.
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Jan 11, 2017 03:05
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if we're not careful TD will get sick from all this IN
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Jan 11, 2017 05:39
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a new study bible! posted:hello. 
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Jan 11, 2017 05:44
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I ain't no loving bitch.
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Jan 11, 2017 09:13
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The Saddest Rhino posted:what if............... i don't! you're asking me as if I could give you any advice about never writing crits or stories in thunderdome
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Jan 11, 2017 09:13
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Entenzahn posted:rhino finish your loving noir crits or BRAWL ME YOU SON OF A BITCH I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL HUNT YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH FOR THESE CRITS AND THEN I WILL END YOU TOO The Saddest Rhino posted:what if............... i don't! Entenzahn posted:you're asking me as if I could give you any advice about never writing crits or stories in thunderdome wow that is actually a p sweet burn. ok so sounds like a brawl awesome, gimme like 500 words on the magisterial RISE OF THE CHAOS WIZARDS by GLORYHAMMER  may not contain chaos, or wizards due in oh idk high noon nz time on 13 Jan 2016e: you can also pick the also magisterial TONY'S THE SLAP if you want. No tonys, slapping, obv. sebmojo fucked around with this message at 10:22 on Jan 11, 2017 |
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Jan 11, 2017 10:20
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Jan 11, 2017 12:11
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since sittinghere couldnt be bothered to make an appropriate flavor image, i did it
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Jan 11, 2017 21:54
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i crave death
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Jan 11, 2017 21:58
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Sitting Here posted:i crave death me 2
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Jan 11, 2017 21:58
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