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Fuubi
Jan 18, 2015

THUNDERDOME LOSER

Yup, IN for the SIN.

:toxx:

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sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







lolling rich and hearty lols at idiot wizard fool morons who choose to vote for wizard prompt over here fyi

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again



sebmojo posted:

lolling rich and hearty lols at idiot wizard fool morons who choose to vote for wizard prompt over here fyi

well call me mr. idiot wizard fool. mr. moron is my dad.

in for WIZARDS

oh and :toxx: like a cool kid

Uranium Phoenix
Jun 20, 2007


RADIOACTIVE DUST SURGE DETECTED


In for Wizards

all ya'll sindiots better fly like the fools you are because

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again



sins: uhh a bible

wizards: COOL GIFS







Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME







:siren: For people who don't want to :toxx:, you can ALSO get an extra vote if you give a thoughtful critique of a story from last week. :siren:

ThirdEmperor
Aug 7, 2013

BEHOLD MY GLORY

AND THEN

BRAWL ME


punk will never die but punk week is finally fuckin dead cuz here's your crits 3/3


Up-and-up-and-up - SurreptitiousMuffin

I really liked this story-ish thing, and found the voice more funny than annoying, so good job writing from a ten year old's voice without making the reader hate you. Despite being mostly worldbuilding you managed to squeeze recognizable moments of emotion into this, so it felt engaging, and I was put out when it ended so suddenly.

But really, 'fuckface shittyboi' and the general stylishness of the piece was what pushed you over the top.


Mara's Private Diary - Dr. Kloctopussy

This was almost entirely comedy with a lil' worldbuilding, and it did get a laugh, so I'd say that counts as success.

I wouldn't say the story felt very ambitious, so it came short of an honorable mention, but it played off high school stereotypes without lingering so long it got eye-rolling, and having Mara reject Desdemona's apology and go through with her evil plan regardless made setting it in hell pay off in relevance to the actual character arc.


The Revolution Continues - Fuschia tude

I question your whole approach here. Your prompt was 'In a world where everyone's a rebel' and your spin on that was 'nobody is.'

Bleh? You negate the whole prompt by spinning it that way. Your evil 'revolutionaries' are just generic fascist baddies with some electrowhips thrown in to, I guess, spice this up with a dash of cyberpunk? It didn't work.

Your worldbuilding got in the way of good action, and your action wasn't effected at all by the worldbuilding so neither really cohered into anything believable.


Sunstorm - Uranium Phoenix

Boooo. This is the one story this week where the lovely punk teen learns, hey, maybe I should be less a poo poo. You keep that moral lesson junk outta my punk fictions.

This was a worldbuilding-heavy story and I followed along fine, but without great enthusiasm for the kinda ehh world. I liked the voices, the half-baked nihilism, I really liked the sheer stupidity that gets them into the situation and the bittersweet ending a whole lot. What held this back in its later half is the action, which came off as very cliche; the one person sacrificing themselves to hold open a door is just worn-out. Ms. Lorethen can't just collapse from radiation burns there has to be a big ol' bolt of lightning.


The Dragon's Disqualification - Deltasquid

One of my least favorite tropes in YA is 'protagonist encounters obviously stupid tradition, instantly convinces everyone its stupid' so good job on avoiding that and letting the characters just fail.

You did a good job conveying distinct characters despite them sharing a very formal voice, and in echoing that formality in the narration. There was a bit of as-you-know expositioning but them being loudmouth teens bitching about the system covers that up somewhat.

The biggest issue is how qi doesn't really feature much in the story. Besides an offhand mention of the school floating, I don't see how you worked the prompt in outside of a general fantasy-China vibe. I can't say you did the flash rule justice despite the story itself being strong.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!







in sin

Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

Yes, the good words are gone.

Why are the good words gone?!




In it to sin it.

Barnaby Profane
Feb 23, 2012

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2021


Wizards rule, sinners drool, in.

The Saddest Rhino
Apr 29, 2009

Behold my brain the golden throne of my consciousness. In here I am seated. Shackled. From here I police the land.



wizin

Fumblemouse
Mar 21, 2013


STANDARD
DEVIANT


Grimey Drawer

The wages of sIN are death

But the gift of WIZARDS is eternal

Give WIZARDS this generic gift-giving holiday season

WIZARDS

Fuschia tude
Dec 26, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019



ThirdEmperor posted:

punk will never die but punk week is finally fuckin dead cuz here's your crits 3/3

Thank you!

:toxx:in to sin

Killer-Of-Lawyers I picked you to thoughtful-crit because you seem like me but a better writer.

This doesn't feel like a new civilization at all. It already has soldiers with ranks, a city, bows and chariots, priests and kings. These structures do not arise overnight, or even in a single lifetime (or three). It's much more "decline of a person" than "dawn of a civilization". Dipping into creation myth for one paragraph at the end doesn't change that.

This is basically the biography of any no-name soldier of an equally nameless ancient/dark/medieval age society, only the narrator seems much too self-aware for his position. Speaking of the narrator, who is it? I really don't know a thing about them besides a couple of brushstrokes from that biography. I don't see what motivates them, and there's nothing presented that makes them different and worth talking about relative to everyone else in the army. You used less than half your word limit, you had enough to spare for characterization.

The structure itself is confusing. On a reread, was this meant to be 4 separate stories, told by 4 separate narrators? That's not clear at all, and the "pressed into service" repetition suggests not. If not, why does the narrator keep restarting the story at a different place each time?

I can't tell what you were trying to accomplish with this writing.

Fuschia tude fucked around with this message at 15:18 on Jul 4, 2017

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010


Sin sounds like some dumb maths bullshit while Wizz is the sound a car makes when it goes past. Wrap it up, Sinailures.

In for Wizards.

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010


sebmojo posted:

lolling rich and hearty lols at idiot wizard fool morons who choose to vote for wizard prompt over here fyi
look at this fuckin idiot you don't wanna be like him you wanna be sexy and cool with Wizards

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

look at this fuckin idiot you don't wanna be like him you wanna be sexy and cool with Wizards

you are a wizard alright, a wizard of dumb rear end butts

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!







sebmojo posted:

you are a wizard alright, a wizard of dumb rear end butts

ur a dumb rear end butt (that smells as well)

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







flerp posted:

ur a dumb rear end butt (that smells as well)

nice burn did you invent it yourself

e: florp

sebmojo fucked around with this message at 08:27 on Jul 4, 2017

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!







yes actually thank u

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009



In, team Wizard gets my vote.

Never done one of these before and haven't written a story in ages but I need to get back into the habit.

sparksbloom
Apr 30, 2006


In for sin

ThirdEmperor
Aug 7, 2013

BEHOLD MY GLORY

AND THEN

BRAWL ME


:toxx: for wizards

Hawklad
May 3, 2003


College Slice

sIN

Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

Yes, the good words are gone.

Why are the good words gone?!




Sinful Crits of Primitive Storytelling

Noah, Where You Are Now

Ah, a thunderdome staple, the heartwarming story of a dog and his boy next meal. Iím not a fan of this one at all, it felt far too nakedly emotionally manipulative and nihilistic. Not exactly seeing the prompt here, either. And the narrative voice keeps shifting between the dogís point of view and an arch narrator in a jarring manner.

Your sin is gluttony, for piling on excessive amounts of misery as much as the dark feast of an ending.

Chili, Come My Way

And when I got to this story I wondered if there was a secret prompt post I hadnít seen where the week was actually about non-human perspectives of a post-apocalyptic world or something. I can almost see something like the prompt, some kind of birth of ant-corpse-based architecture kind of things maybe (except that ants have been doing that kind of thing centuries before the first circuit board appeared. And beyond that, I donít see anything particularly pointful or charming going on here at all.

Your sin is sloth, for not doing the work to connect your misfit antís story to the prompt, or to a genuine emotion, or much of anything besides itself.

steeltoedsneakers, There is a crack in everything

Good prose here, a competent telling of an interesting creation myth. But...

Your sin is also sloth. partly for adapting an existing myth without adding much to it in the way of new twists or perspectives, but mostly for not properly capitalizing the title and thus spoiling a perfectly good Leonard Cohen allusion...

Benny Profane, The Secret World

Another strong story, prose-wise, with an effective and consistent voice. Hereís the thing, though.

Sometimes a writer can like an idea so much that they donít quite manage to think it all the way through, donít see the problems and at least try to work out fixes for them. Thatís the sin of pride at work. In this case, itís tough to buy, even in a mythic sense, the idea of an early humanity that is so blithely unconcerned with the dark that it does not fear it, neither in the practical sense of guarding against nocturnal predators nor in the primal fear of darkness itself.

Sitting Here, The Origin Voracious

Okay, now this story shouldnít work. Itís got a lot of the problems I just mentioned in the previous one. Itís asking me to believe something even sillier than primitive people unafraid of the dark. some kind of thermodynamically improbable eden of a world before hunger or consumption. But maybe because that impossibility is so absurd and addressed so directly head-on, it somehow does work. (See also the next storyís crit for another thing this story is somehow getting away with.)

So this one gets envy, for making me want to be able to write this kind of thing that well.

Fumblemouse, Sumerian Blue

I liked most of this one. The ending, though, really lost me. And yet I canít readily think of any other good way to end this in the word count. Thereís a thing that a lot of attempts at flash do-Iíve done it myself a time or two- in which you present an inciting incident and a character gets introduced into a wider world than theyíd imagined, and then at the ending theyíve decided to do nothing, to refuse to engage the supernatural. And that ought to work as an ending, but it doesnít, because we have way too much Campbellian Heroís Journey baggage in our zeitgeist that you really canít end on Refusing the Call, explicitly or implicitly (like the previous story did.)

Anyhow, when you top a refuse-the-call ending with an unearned twist, you have an ending that makes me angry, so this story gets wrath.

Killer-of-Lawyers, Troubles

I wouldnít have given this the loss, if Iíd been judging. Iím not a fan of nihilism exactly, but you presented a quick character study that fit the prompt. I didnít have a problem with the chronology, either, and see that you needed to do it that way to end with the mythic part.

My main issue with this is that itís light, having left 300 words on the table that could have been used to good effect. I wouldnít try to do anything more complex in terms of narrative arc with that amount of space, but what you could have really used was more specifics. As is, you could break the story down into three or four short bullet points and not lose anything. So another story gets marked up for sloth

Sebmojo, Bird Dreams

Okay, this is a cute and, yes, charming little story, one of my favorites of the week. But itís still going to score wrath from me. Why?

Because of those first three damned words. You open the story with this huge, deliberate, obviously intentional anachronism that never pays off in any way. Maybe at one point you were going to write something that could be read literally or as kids playing at being cavepeople? Except that never happened here.

Armack
Jan 27, 2006


In. I vote for sin. :toxx:

Sokoban
Feb 16, 2011


In for wizards. God help me.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME







:siren: voting update :siren:

CURRENT VOTES FOR SIN

sebmojo posted:

in for sin


Jay W. Friks posted:

In I vote for [SIN].


Fuubi posted:

Yup, IN for the SIN.

:toxx:




Thranguy posted:

In it to sin it.


Fuschia tude posted:

Thank you!

:toxx:in to sin







Jitzu_the_Monk posted:

In. I vote for sin. :toxx:


CURRENT VOTES FOR WIZARDS

Djeser posted:

well call me mr. idiot wizard fool. mr. moron is my dad.

in for WIZARDS

oh and :toxx: like a cool kid

Uranium Phoenix posted:

In for Wizards

all ya'll sindiots better fly like the fools you are because



Benny Profane posted:

Wizards rule, sinners drool, in.




Fumblemouse posted:

The wages of sIN are death

But the gift of WIZARDS is eternal

Give WIZARDS this generic gift-giving holiday season

WIZARDS


SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

Sin sounds like some dumb maths bullshit while Wizz is the sound a car makes when it goes past. Wrap it up, Sinailures.

In for Wizards.


super sweet best pal posted:

In, team Wizard gets my vote.

Never done one of these before and haven't written a story in ages but I need to get back into the habit.




Sokoban posted:

In for wizards. God help me.


TOTAL AS OF WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON

So uh I realized today I wasn't very clear. I intended to let people :toxx: OR crit to get an extra vote, but not both. You if you did both, you can rescind your :toxx: if you want.

Sin: 13 votes, counting :toxx:es and crits
Wizards: 11 votes12 votes 14 votes, counting :toxx:es and crits

Wizards, if you want to pull ahead you're going to have to muster up a few more crits/:toxx:es or recruit some voters. You have about a day and a half to accomplish this.

Sitting Here fucked around with this message at 02:00 on Jul 6, 2017

Fumblemouse
Mar 21, 2013


STANDARD
DEVIANT


Grimey Drawer

:toxx:

The sin eaters are on the wrong side of history.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME







that makes 12 for wizards. If they can just get a couple more votes, toxxes, or crits, they could still win this.

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010


I'll :toxx: in a full round of crits for all stories written this week, if that'll do it.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME







SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

I'll :toxx: in a full round of crits for all stories written this week, if that'll do it.

that would be cool and you should do that, but only submission :toxx:es or crits of last week count, in this case

Armack
Jan 27, 2006


Would it be sinful blatantly to stuff the ballot box in plain sight? :toxx:

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME







Jitzu_the_Monk posted:

In. I vote for sin. :toxx:


Jitzu_the_Monk posted:

Would it be sinful blatantly to stuff the ballot box in plain sight? :toxx:

:nono:

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010


Okay I regular :toxx: then I guess. I'll try to crit everybody anyway but I won't :toxx: in on it.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!







some crits last week 2 lazy to do the rest

Noah

This had me until the end. I mean sad dog story obv im gonna like this but the premise itself was engaging. Thereís always something heartwarming about an animal and a person struggling together, idk why. And itís an interesting way to do post-apocalypse. But then, the ending comes out of nowhere. Maybe you were trying to foreshadow it at the beginning w/ the whole ďoh they didnt want to eat me too buddyĒ line, but, i dont rly get it. It feels the dog is at least more sentient than normal dogs and possibly magical? With the lines of how the dogs could remember names of the buildings but the person couldnt (which wouldnt make sense since humans live a lot longer than a dog). And so it feels like the dog is eating the person to get his dreams back, but, what? It wasnt very clear that the dog had magic powers or that the dreams were linked to him eating people orÖ i really dont know. Even if thatís the case, the tonal shift is too swift. The dog seemed reasonable, or at least, had some kind of conscience. It didnít feel like a dog dog but a literary dog who had empathy. So, yeah, a dog dog might eat a person who was helping them if the dog got rly hungry, but a literary dog doing that felt out of place. While I was reading this, I thought, well, the only real way for this to conclude is for both of them to die (prob with one dying before the other and the other one being like ďwell shucksĒ). So, I guess im a lil bit glad you didnt have them both die but idk the ending doesnt make any sense.

The first paragraph repeats dog a few too many times imo.

Chili

I can kinda feel what ur going for here. And thereís something I like about this, about an antís completely natural action to sacrifice himself for his colony. But, thereís nothing really substantial here. When it comes to the sacrifice, itís just like, ok neat. Nothing really more to the story. It feels slight overall, and that thereís not really much to gleam from this except, ďants sure are different from humans, huh?Ē And I canít really think of a way to get more out of this while keeping the same major themes, at least, imo. Though, I think this did a decent job at what it was trying to do. The sacrifice was suitably candid. It didnít linger too long or try too hard to make this poignant. It said its piece and left. Was it worth saying? Maybe not.

Thranguy

This really didnt need the frame narrative. Nor did it need the gods to be parodies of gods. Nor did it need the maids. Nor did it really need anything. Nothing felt like the main thrust of the story. It wasnt really about Odd, or about the story, or about Nish and Ur. Thereís so many disparate ideas that are all present, but none of them are given the time to develop. I donít really know what Iím supposed to gleam from this. Itís not really funny, and thereís only a few jokes. Itís not that entertaining, as it comes to folk tales. Itís not really emotional, either. Itís trying to be all of those things, it feels, but it doesnít hit any of them because it focuses on trying to be too many things at once.

steeltoedsneakers

This isnt a bad creation story. The beginning is overly long, thatís for sure. I wouldíve liked to see what the children actually were -- I couldnít tell if they were actually animals or people or what. And clearly, they become the wind, so it wouldíve been nice to see actual animals. Maybe its a bias thing, but I always like to see animals talking in these fables. It adds a nice kind of tone, but it also makes it feel like things are really talking. As it is, the creatures talking are nebulous and we cant put a voice to a face which rly hurts. I always find these stories the hardest to critique, mostly because they just do what they do. Although, I also think there could be some time spent on the earth and the sky to make the split up a bit more tragic.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

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THUDNER-DOME







WE ARE CURRENTLY TIED FOLKS

WHO WILL SAVE US FROM THIS CONUNDRUM???


Nope, flerp just put sin ahead again

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009



I'll bump wizard back up with a :toxx:

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

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THUDNER-DOME







wizards now lead 14-13

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME







j/k, I can't count, it's tied 14-14

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Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME







this is so intense, I'm on the edge of my seat here.

You have a little over one full day to vote.

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