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You're like three minutes late, farchanter, I will pretend you are not.
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Aug 14, 2017 16:20
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Fleta Mcgurn posted:You're like three minutes late, farchanter, I will pretend you are not. I sincerely appreciate this
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Aug 14, 2017 16:24
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Crit for Week #260“To Be Less Than a Queen” By Flerp This story reminds me of fables like “Bluebeard” or “The Emperor's New Clothes” as I can imagine for the most part it being told as a story from long ago, so long ago that the royalty within it is its own character and no one needs a name. This is how I read it at first. If you were going for that “There once a was a king” vibe, you succeed in it halfway with this story. When it comes to stories, I like Grimm's fairy tales and Aesop's Fables just as much as modern day stuff. It’s like, I can watch the Twilight Zone and still be affected even though its plots and narrative structures have been repeated numerous times since it was regularly airing. There’s something about classic forms of storytelling that still makes me want to hear the rest of the tale which to me, is the most important part of any story. The problems I see in this tale is that it gets halfway to being a simple fable but stumbles on mental musings that are left unfinished and unexplained. The baron is paranoid, that much is fine, there’s plenty of kings in fairy tales who are crazed or mad, but there is usually a reason. Bluebeard had an obsession with his privacy, the Sultan from One Thousand and One Nights ritually killed his wives because his first one was unfaithful, the Emperor wore no clothes because his vanity overrode his logic. If the baron is ever to be important within the wife's recollections, there needs to be a reason, not an explanation, but a simple event that the wife might remember that explains his nature phobia. On top of that, I don’t understand why the Baron is leaving, why he is beheaded, why his castle wasn’t routed immediately with his exit. These details already present about the baron being called away to the mainland distract me from the rest of the story. I’m more interested in him being worried about his wife back in the castle and the circumstances leading up to his exodus which leads me to confusion when the rest of the story is about the wife. The idea of a queen left along in a castle (are there no servants after the baron leaves? I thought wanted to spare the servants and the wife by leaving? Where are they in the rest of the narrative?) musing over whether she could stay in opulence, despite its present meaninglessness, or return to her roots would make a good character study. Seeing how she passes the time, her debating with herself about loyalty to the baron or to herself could prove to be an interesting inner conflict that could be allegorical to the castle’s unchanging interior in contrast to the changing world outside. That could be a good short story, but I’m so sure about a fable. Fables don’t take much time to dwell as they are written as they are usually told orally, rather than filled with sentences to describe every facet of a character. In any case, the story is torn between this set up of a nearly empty castle, an abandoned queen and her paranoid husband which screams “fable” to me but instead goes into a half-effort exploration into the queen's relationship with her husband and her being originally from the nature that he despises. When she leaves the castle, I don't ‘feel anything. It doesn’t seem like much time passes, or conflict of any real magnitude before she’s like “gently caress it”. And then the ending goes back to sounding like a fable “When people came back in the years since they searched the castle. They tore through cupboard and dressers, grabbing old rings the baron had bought her. But they never found a body. Just a broken window and an open front door.” this line sounds dramatic, like an ending to a melancholy folktale, but that’s not what preceded it. It's a line that comes off tacked on to try to wrap up two side by side stories into a lumpy present. Like a really nice bow on a crumpled paper bag. There are some good setups here, considering how little is written about the Baron and how much there is about the Queen, I’d cut him out except as a memory. Don’t give him his own musings, let the Queen tell his story by telling hers. This might move you away from a fable into more of a traditional character study, but it's the thickest material here you got to work with.
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Aug 15, 2017 16:31
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I judge the above crit, like all crits, as "nice." Speaking of judging, I've always thought that it should be good and fast. Or fast and good.
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Aug 15, 2017 17:36
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Uranium Phoenix posted:I judge the above crit, like all crits, as "nice." that reminds me of an old phrase, around four letters or something. cant remember how it goes tho 
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Aug 15, 2017 17:53
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flerp posted:that reminds me of an old phrase, around four letters or something. cant remember how it goes tho FJGJ?
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Aug 15, 2017 17:59
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Tyrannosaurus posted:FJGJ? I don't get it, what does that m-- OH
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Aug 15, 2017 19:06
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FJGJ Fat Jesus Gobbled Jam
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Aug 15, 2017 19:21
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Just kidding. JUDGING AND CRITS FOR WEEK 262!!!!!!!!First of all, thanks to anyone who signed up or submitted this week. There were a lot of really batshit prompts because I am mostly a crazy person. I am very impressed. Our failures were magnificent7, Agent355, and Mercedes. I hope you all failed because you were having too much fun elsewhere, and not because of anything bad. Second, let me introduce you to a wonderful little mechanic available in most word processors. It seems this is a little-known feature. Third: This was not a particularly strong week writing-wise, but it was a punch in the pussy in terms of how imaginative and creative you guys are. So without further blathering! The winner is TYRANNOSAURUS for a completely engaging, exciting, and well-constructed time travel story. This was pretty unanimous, judgeywise. We both loved your snappy prose and sense of timing. I'd also like to give great, sticky love to our Hono(u)rable Mentions, Pippin (for one of the best-written stories with some of the most realistic dialogue) and farchanter (this was contentious, but eventually the strength of your imagery carried it through.) Great job, all. Unfortunately, we've awarded two Dishonourable Mentions: fuubi for chucking in a half-baked mess and disappointing us terribly, and Thranguy for not making any sense. Both of these stories ultimately promised a lot and then failed to deliver. Please do pay attention to the link in point 2. Finally, we award this week's loss to development for handing in a story that was as short on proper writing mechanics as it was on sense-makery. "Losers," take heart- all three of your stories had a lot of potential and I hope you all come kick my rear end in the future. To see various crits 'n comments, you can check out the Google doc here. Thanks to everyone for their efforts. Tyrannosaurus, the throne is warm for you PORRRRRRRRRRRRRRMPFT
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Aug 15, 2017 19:23
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i am skeleton prompting
[/list]
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Aug 15, 2017 21:07
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*kramers into thread* so that tyrannosaurus I've heard he's a slow prompter
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Aug 15, 2017 21:18
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Well I heard he smells like mothballs.
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Aug 15, 2017 22:03
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sebmojo posted:*kramers into thread* fast prompting uhhhhhhhhh good prompting?
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Aug 15, 2017 22:04
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 I'm cribbing this week's title and concept from Daniel Jose Ruiz's article of the same name. Read the article. It's cool. For the prompt, you're going to write fantasy but you can't make it about white people, okay? It should probably be high fantasy if you're into semantics and subgenres but I mostly just want to read good words and not bad words. You don't have to include a dragon but you're writing with -250 words if you don't. You may substitute a similarly great creature of fantasy in lieu of a dragon and avoid the word deduction. Most importantly... don't forget to have fun! Deadlines Friday at midnight est for signups Sunday at midnight est for submissions Limits 1250 words Poetry
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Aug 15, 2017 23:10
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Judge: me Writers: Uranium Phoenix Jay W. Friks Wizgot  Fuubi Sitting Here Okua Thranguy Not Nipsy Russell Djeser unwantedplatypus klapman Flesnolk SurreptitiousMuffin sebmojo Captain_Indigo ThirdEmperor Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 17:17 on Aug 18, 2017 |
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Aug 15, 2017 23:11
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Yes, me writer. Me writer in.
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Aug 15, 2017 23:19
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DragIn
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Aug 15, 2017 23:29
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I'm in and because I am a filthy failure.
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Aug 15, 2017 23:45
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Development posted:Jericoh Juice There's no story, you waste too much time on bland dialogue that serves little to no purpose. Your protagonist starts off being likeable by making the objectively correct choice of Moana over Elsa and then suddenly becomes an edgy teen who hates hipsters, a thing that is very un-ten-year-old. 'LOL hipsters' is not a story please don't do that again but please do enter again. Your words aren't terrible except that you don't use enough commas and you use too many exclamation marks and you're bad at writing children and you do a lot of things wrong with dialogue attribution but I feel like a story where you weren't just being mean spirited about hipsters might be worth reading, one about dragons maybe why not try that.
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Aug 15, 2017 23:47
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Yay! Not a loss this time!Fleta Mcgurn posted:To see various crits 'n comments, you can check out the Google doc here. Thx for the crit! Also, I'm in. Fuubi fucked around with this message at 02:18 on Aug 16, 2017 |
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Aug 16, 2017 02:15
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gently caress it, in e: good job fuubi, keep your eye on the prize
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Aug 16, 2017 04:23
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I'm IN.
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Aug 16, 2017 06:03
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in
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Aug 16, 2017 08:33
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Just to clarify, we do have to write poetry, or we don't?
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Aug 16, 2017 08:40
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Don't write poetry.
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Aug 16, 2017 12:28
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Oh, thank god. In.
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Aug 16, 2017 12:56
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I've never done this before, but I'd like to be 'in'. How do I get 'in'?
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Aug 16, 2017 18:29
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Not Nipsy Russell posted:I've never done this before, but I'd like to be 'in'. How do I get 'in'? you're in don't fail
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Aug 16, 2017 18:29
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Aug 16, 2017 19:07
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Not Nipsy Russell posted:I've never done this before, but I'd like to be 'in'. How do I get 'in'? you just did
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Aug 16, 2017 20:26
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Not Nipsy Russell posted:I've never done this before, but I'd like to be 'in'. How do I get 'in'? Your avatar caption is very appropriate.
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Aug 16, 2017 20:56
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I need to write more, count me in for this me
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Aug 17, 2017 03:21
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Sitting Here posted:
definitely don't fail--I don't care if you lose, just turn in a drat story or I will never forgive you
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Aug 17, 2017 04:49
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Not Nipsy Russell posted:I've never done this before, but I'd like to be 'in'. How do I get 'in'? If you gently caress up, there's absolutely no coming back. Ever. By the way I'm back and I'll write something, I'm drunk as gently caress right now but SH found me in a random GBS thread and I'll probably remember this in the morning. If I don't then I'm actively pretending I didn't notice and am, thus, a huge baby with no life/dick. Namaste
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Aug 17, 2017 06:55
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klapman posted:If you gently caress up, there's absolutely no coming back. Ever.  
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Aug 17, 2017 06:56
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Tyrannosaurus posted:
In as the proverbial "motherfucker". If I have two dragons do I get more words. thank you in advance e: btw I still credit this thread, rightfully, as the thing that taught me that I'll is supposed to be spelled with a capital I. I seriously didn't know that until uhhh I forget his name but the dog avatar guy taught me. I'm very grateful and it looks much better anyways so thank you dog man. e2: for the record I lost a star on TextBroker for using too many or too few commas so if anyone's specifically interested in critiquing my poo poo watch out for comma use because I'm a loving comma psychopath. klapman fucked around with this message at 07:17 on Aug 17, 2017 |
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Aug 17, 2017 07:01
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In.
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Aug 17, 2017 07:38
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klapman posted:In as the proverbial "motherfucker". If I have two dragons do I get more words. thank you in advance brb changing your name to comma psychopath
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Aug 17, 2017 08:48
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Psycho comma, qu'est-ce que c'est?
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Aug 17, 2017 09:01
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klapman posted:If I have two dragons do I get more words. thank you in advance No but good question!
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Aug 17, 2017 13:52
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