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sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk





Sham bam bamina! posted:

Nice that my first attempt lands smack in the middle of the rankings. High enough to reassure me that I don't suck, low enough that I don't have anything to live up to next time around.

I like to think that I'd have landed a place higher if I'd been cleaner with my last-minute edits (no way can I forgive myself for repeating "deafening" like that at the end).

fyi posts like this in the thread will get you shouted at, but come on in to irc for all your chit chat/dick joke requirements

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Jan
Feb 26, 2008

The disruptive powers of excessive national fecundity may have played a greater part in bursting the bonds of convention than either the power of ideas or the errors of autocracy.

Did not read prompt, in.

666 number of the prompt editing beast

Jan fucked around with this message at 13:55 on Sep 26, 2017

BeefSupreme
Sep 14, 2007


Quod Erat Demonstrandum

flerp posted:

interprompt: seb sucks

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

mojo disappeared without doing it properly

anime was right
Jun 27, 2008

death is certain
keep yr cool


Exmond posted:

Dragon Problems
1482 words
first 140 words

"Miss Cauldron had a terrible week. Her students brushed off her house-magic courses and, after recently bungling a crystal ward strengthening demonstration, the other teachers would have joked behind her back were they present.

The ward had imprisoned a one thousand pound monstrosity within its stable. The stables themselves shook from the dragon's roar as it shattered the stable doors, rendering them mere planks and splinters. It stared down Miss Cauldron as if to remind her of her failure. Her heart pounded in her chest as her eyes widened and a scream crept up her throat. She snapped her eyes to the panicked screams of her students behind her. She would not allow herself to show weakness, not after her failure.

“I have everything under control," said Miss Cauldron.

She tried to force a smile, but her lips remained still."

why these changes:
cut out passive language where i could
bad to terrible - i don't want to hear about someone's bad week in a short story unless it was particularly interesting as well. freeing a dragon i think qualifies as terrible in terms of dramatic impact, don't you think?
i actually didnt read very far you can remove the "were they present" part if the teachers are actually there but it didn't seem like it so who cares whatever. subtract three words depending on the situation. i think removing teachers is more interesting and makes the conflict more personal.
you could argue that hearing the panicked screams and then reacting is appropriate. it seems like a gut instinct so it can probably pass in that sentence order. i wouldn't do that for other sorts of delayed reactions.
i added a personal moment with the dragon reminding her of her failure because obv she feels lovely about being in this situation and her conflict to overcome it is to display competency by dealing with the dragon. directly connects the interpersonal conflict with the physical one, basically.
teacher flying off the handle remark isn't too necessary as the personal drama seems to be more about her personal failures as a teacher. i combined those two things. obviously this is a debatebale change.
changed the order of the failed smile and made it more of a physical thing. she can't overcome her own ability to control her emotions, again character conflict w/e.
dragon smashing through the doors, i gave them a physical description, giving you an idea of the dragon's power. destroying a door easily makes it scary. obviously being a thousand pounds is also scary!!! but that shows its power and makes the conflict observable

im too lazy to do this to more than a twitter's post worth of content, but you get the idea of what i'm talking about in fa, yeah?

specifically referring to this post:
https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3807739&pagenumber=22#post476772432

countdown till crabrock calls me an idiot for not squeezing this down to 120 words or something.

anime was right fucked around with this message at 05:11 on Sep 26, 2017

anime was right
Jun 27, 2008

death is certain
keep yr cool


i cant sleep what up

llamaguccii
Sep 2, 2016

THUNDERDOME LOSER


I'm IN . Oh, and here's your 6 for attention.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

College kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

If you need a judge, I'm on board.

magnificent7
Sep 22, 2005

THUNDERDOME LOSER




COME loving ON WINNER OF A WEEKLY WRITING CONTEST.


6.

I'm in

magnificent7 fucked around with this message at 05:50 on Sep 26, 2017

anime was right
Jun 27, 2008

death is certain
keep yr cool


i didnt use capitalization when i won deal with it wordnerd

Okua
Oct 30, 2016


I am in. Can I get a flashrule?
6

Fuschia tude
Dec 26, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019



Okua posted:

I am in. Can I get a flashrule?
6

same

Captain_Indigo
Jul 29, 2007

"That’s cheating! You know the rules: once you sacrifice something here, you don’t get it back!"



I a6 in.

Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

The man was stunningly well dressed. He had a smart looking jacket, and a really neat looking cape, the lining of which was shimmering and sparkling in more than Oriental splendour, which is a great deal of splendour indeed, just ask Kipling.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxnN05vOuSM

Also

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfmrHTdXgK4

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk





Marks are out of 10, pipe up if you want some more detail.

Night Dealings 5
competent enough words, and I but i feel like the actual interesting story happens after this one finishes. i'm not grumpy about the exact copy of the card, but think on how much that restricted you - the card wasn't a jumping off point, it was the story. so you ended up with a very static story

Dragon Problems 3
always cut your first para, and put it back if that makes the story worse. you'll find that it barely ever does. unfortunately while that does skip the trudgy sub hogwarts scene setting, it lands us on the phrase . "Her heart pounded in her chest as her eyes widened and a scream crept up her throat. " In the same para there are panicked screams, she snaps to attentions and doesn't fly off the handle. maybe she is magic professor of cliches idk. then, oh, man. This is real bad, sub D&D let's play bad with the ill-described hawkmen taking five-foot steps and unleashing encounter powers on the solo. Then your cliche professor gets coughed up and hey waddaya know it gets ok again! the turnaround is really good, and even a little stirring. This is still a real bad story, don't get me wrong, but it made me smile for a couple of reasons so you may pass with probably not losing this week.

Beetleback Alley 6

i actually liked the beginning of this a lot, weird alien sellers of abstract concepts is a solid furrow and you plough it pretty well with your good words. Then it gets to the end, and just stops in a dispirited puff of cliche - i'm going to charitably guess you ran out of time/words. keep it up.

Augury 7
i thought this was going to be immensely tedious and you did the expectation flickflack on me, gj doing the expectation flickflack dude or lady. the phrase 'augur not an ogre' almost drove me into a killing rage, but y'know what the expectation flickflack won the day

What News of Trilanthol 9
this is an example of doing the picture fairly straight but making it intriguing and surprising because the picture is where we arrive, not the story as a whole. lovely rich, gritty work. end feels a little offhand, but maybe that fits. Oh, and haha nice job with the flashrule. Probably my favourite overall, but we decided it couldn't win because it cocked a snook at the word count. if you must cock snooks, choose a different target imo.

Bearer of the Heavens 5
i'm baffled by this one, a decent use of the picture but so insanely static and absurd that it's hard to care about the nonsensical plight of your bland protagonist.

One Last Job 7
slick piece, with the reiteration of the memories making a cliche interesting. I think the transition to dead Kenzie leaves some drama on the table - it's memorably grotesque but happens too fast for any real impact. also i think the Evil Boss appearing out of nowhere is a little undersold. Still, a well-tooled bit of fantasy noir.

Nocturnal Affliction 5
Ah, a good slice of tdome wacky, first so far this week, nice. And yep, there's the lol at the trellis line. but dude, that lol feels like a giant cheat because that is the lol. it's all about the trellis. trellis is not a strong joke foundation on which to build your joke story. and bland back and forth dialogue isn't the end of the world, but it's at least a two headed calf or a weird looking radish.

Snow Dragon 4
penises are actaully legit funny, only a fool would deny it, so the word dick gets a wee sprinkly of comedy fairy dust but listen carefully my friend you cannot base a story on comedy fairy dust. this is a vaporous puff of fart gas with bland words and bad grammar spray gooped at it like that one gun in Prey

For the People 6
this is fairly effectively gruesome (though: retch not wretch, it's is only short for it is), but the apotheosis of priesty mcdemonpants isn't intrinsically interesting and it basically become D&D at the end for all that there's an enjoyably twisty point in there. the last line is either impressively deadpan or bad, I'm not sure which. but i think you could improve it and with it the story.

Thought Gorger 3
CSI Parasite Town. This is endlessly dull and nothing happens and oh god they just keep yabbering. also possibly dumb but don't understand ending.

Did In 7
i bounced off this first read on account of its endlessly orotund high gygaxian cadences but it's actually quite good and clever, I think you miss a trick not having the eruption being chance instead of the outcome of an endlessly pondered strategm.

Gremlin-Punk 6
not terrible, but forgettable and it's hard to care about the douchey protags predicament

The death Mrs Smith 2
you did a typo in the title and went downhill from there

The Brightest 4
lol wtf

The Salvation Reactor 8
this is some insane golden age sci fi poo poo here, and i like it a lot, it's so goddam pungent and baroque. Various clunkinesses and a bad last para are the only standout problems, both very fixable.

Very Fine People 5
lots of fairly well conveyed detail for all I'm not a big fan of the trump ref, keep your stories self sufficient unless you have a really good reason and I don't think this warrants it

Sparrowflute 6
good kid yarning, but the aunt comes in late and the ending is baffling

Hello World 7
nicely executed but lightweight

Die Young 6
rumpy dumps along and then stops, not having done anything very interesting or surprising along the way

Appley Ever After 7
competently executed, a little lacking in energy at the end maybe?

The Wrong Bar 7
ending a bit rushed but solid booze fantasy

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why did you fail Thunderdome?


i would like some detail

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk





Entenzahn posted:

i would like some detail

Bob 7


these were real late words but i guess they were ok?

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why did you fail Thunderdome?


thx

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016


Got Out.

Grimey Drawer

Chili posted:

If you need a judge, I'm on board.

Thanks Chili

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016


Got Out.

Grimey Drawer

Okua posted:

I am in. Can I get a flashrule?
6

@Okua

You got a C! For Cardinal Sin!


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sloth_(deadly_sin)

(You can whatever you what you want with this Flashrule Okua)

Jay W. Friks fucked around with this message at 14:58 on Sep 26, 2017

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016


Got Out.

Grimey Drawer


@Fuschia tude

You got a G! For Grape Flavored Items!

Somewhere in your story, there should be someone disliking/or loving the taste of a grape flavored SOMETHING.

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016


Got Out.

Grimey Drawer


@Chairchucker

You got an S! Scepter of Dagobert!


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scepter_of_Dagobert

Use this Flashrule however you want.

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016


Got Out.

Grimey Drawer

Jay W. Friks posted:

Week#269 AMBROSE BIERCE SAW HIM FIRST

This week is all about the King in Yellow by Robert. W Chambers, one of my favorite ole-timey horror anthologies. (I know half of the book is more like a romance but I don't count that part)

If you want to read it, go here https://maggiemcneill.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/the-king-in-yellow.pdf

If you want to read a blurb about it, go here, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_King_in_Yellow

What I like most about the anthology is that there is no actual character within any of the stories called "The King in Yellow" or "Hastur" for those familiar with Lovecraft's tweaking of Chambers work.

Instead, the "King in Yellow" is a play that appears as sometimes a central focus of the narrator, an item that causes misfortune like a cursed relic, or is mentioned in the background but causes nothing else important to occur within the plot(but is still focused on for more than a line)

This week, you can write whatever you want barring fan-fiction and erotica but you have to include the King in Yellow somewhere in the narrative.

If you want a flash rule (which will be random, From A-for animal to Z-for Zodiac) just indicate so in your entry post.

Put the number 6 in your entry post to give me more hope you read this.

WORDCOUNT MAX: 1750

Entry deadline is Friday 8:59 pm PST/11:59am EST

Submission deadline is Sunday 8:59 pm PST/11:59am EST

Repairers of Reputations
1. Jay W. Friks
2. Thranguy
3. Chili

Citizens of Lost Carcosa
1. Jonjoe
2. Burkion
3. Jan
4. llamaguccii
5. magnificent7
6. Chairchucker https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scepter_of_Dagobert
7. Okua https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sloth_(deadly_sin)
8. Fuschia tude (Someone in your story must savor/dislike a grape flavored item)
9.
ect...

MockingQuantum
Jan 20, 2012





I am in, news at 6

Barnaby Profane
Feb 23, 2012

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2021


In.

I'd like a flash rule too, please.

the number 6

derp
Jan 21, 2010

when i get up all i want to do is go to bed again



Lipstick Apathy

ty for the crits! sitting out the next couple rounds

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016


Got Out.

Grimey Drawer

Benny Profane posted:

In.

I'd like a flash rule too, please.

the number 6

@Benny Profane You get a Q for Quality song!

https://youtu.be/aNEWovYSC5w?list=PL6kWrBcw9eNeNeLbpES2T1zAks3ztKcqz

Use it how you will.

magnificent7
Sep 22, 2005

THUNDERDOME LOSER


anime was right posted:

i didnt use capitalization when i won deal with it wordnerd
I only have three grammar pet peeves:
- Ect.
- Asterick.
- Your/Yer/You're/Your'n/Urine

Jay W. Friks posted:

^ TDOME WINNER
Hey somebody get this guy a Tdome Winner Avatar. Something with 50s sci-fi coolness. A laser gun or something. Or is that on me? Because I'll do it.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME




magnificent7 posted:


Hey somebody get this guy a Tdome Winner Avatar. Something with 50s sci-fi coolness. A laser gun or something. Or is that on me? Because I'll do it.

hey sebmojo do this thing. our dude jay has earned the hell out of it.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

by sebmojo


I'll design something tonight

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016


Got Out.

Grimey Drawer

Awww. Thanks guys.

Deltasquid
Apr 10, 2013

awww...
you guys made me ink!


THUNDERDOME


Here’s some crits because I felt like doing them. I realize I entered this week and then didn’t even finish my own story for you guys to tear into, but ehh more crits is better amirite.

Kloctopussy first because I told her I’d do it in IRC.

Dr. Kloctopussy, The Wrong Bar

Overall impression: This is a weird story and I personally do not like it very much. The beginning gave me an impression of maybe… You were going for something noir or grounded? And then it introduces the fairies and I thought “oh okay it’s gritty urban fantasy” but then it was just an info dump with an ending tacked on at the end.

quote:

Yes, it’s Wednesday; yes, it’s three in the afternoon; yes, I’m supposed to be at work; and yes. Yes, I’m already hungover. And no, I don’t care.
Too much repetition, I think. You could trim these into a solid one-two punch and it would serve as a better hook.

quote:

I can’t go to my regular bar though, obviously. I’m unquestionably justified in having a drink right now, but I don’t want to justify it to anyone else.
This feels a bit stilted and overbearing. Too much justified, the “though” is redundant, and it simply doesn’t roll very well.
Also is the giant lizard… A literal lizard? I don’t know if it’s slang or if I’m just bad at English but I just wanted to point out this confused me.
I can definitely relate to the desire of finding a dark, dank bar though. We actually have a word for those in Dutch: “Bruine kroeg”. A brown pub. Because it’s got lots of wood and dark things, see. This was your TD Dutch fact of the week.

quote:

“Maybe she’s someone else,” offers the bouncer.

She looks over her glasses, and her gaze is, if anything, even more penetrating. I feel exposed. I’m in the wrong place.
These sentences still work but after this I’m getting a bit confused and miffed. Everything from this until

quote:

“We don’t have time for this,” the bartender says. “Bring her here.”
feels like you’re being coy about who these people are and why they’re so terrifying to our hitherto nameless protagonist. Like the sentence

quote:

Most people know me only as Ann, and he shouldn’t know me as anything.
basically just tells me “wow these guys are mysterious and menacing and also know things about me that they shouldn’t know, except you fail to see how this is relevant because you as a reader have no context to work with, so let me explain to you how this is so menacing.” This sounds harsher than it ought to be but I started losing interest because of this segment mostly.

quote:

And I’m suddenly surrounded by shaggy fur and a muddy, familiar musk hovering on the edge between disgusting and comforting. I’m pinned between the front two hooves of a huge ox, with a tortoise shell on his back, and a heron is peering down at me from atop the bar. I really, really walked into the wrong bar. But isn’t that how this always goes?

“Hello, brother,” I say. “Sister.” Half-brother, half-sister. Don’t forget.

“We need to see your father,” Ava says, the woman’s voice from the bird’s beak still unsettling after all these years.

Aaiight here we go lads. We in full exposition mode now: not only do I have to guesstimate the menace behind the scenes, now I also need to start connecting names to familial relations and their past with regards to each other. I wouldn’t mind this during chapter 1 of a 300-page novel which eases me in, but right now most of my experience with your short story has been “I’m confused, what’s going on” which is not ideal when it’s only 1750 words at most.

quote:

“He will kill us,” Kyland says. His breath is hot on my face, and reminds me of all the times he stood behind me, silent back up against the teasing of crueler children.
I had to re-read this to get it. Backup is one word in this case. “Silent back up” makes me think a location will follow, like “silent, back up the river” or whatever. Again I was dragged out of the story, desperately trying to connect dots and unsure where this was going.

quote:

“You realize this is the plot of like fifty books?”

“Who do you think writes all of them?” Ava says.
What is this quip even? Is Ava a writer? Does she whisper the plot of books into authors’ ears since time immemorial?

Anyway these fairies need a half-fairy, for some reason, to bridge the gap between the fairy and human world. Okay so she has a sword now. After teasing us with Michael’s death for a few paragraphs now you reveal me this sword killed him. Ok cool. I don’t dislike this but the initial “oh this jumping between worlds is what killed Michael” is too coy for a mundane payoff like this one. Admittedly I don’t know how you could have done the infodump more elegantly while also shoehorning this info in, so maybe splitting it up was the right call.

quote:

I hear the fight before I get there, and start running. What were Ava and Kyland thinking? Mother’s charm wouldn’t let any fairything harm father.
Uh, what? Does she mean the sword that also protected her? Heartseeker? Why doesn’t Ann raise this point before leaving them? Why does she care now?
Oh I guess father just has another charm. Where did Ava find heartseeker? I don’t know but I can see we’re approaching the end and I’m just… Still confused as to where this was going. And it’s really jarring that we’re suddenly in a fight and also you even denied me a description of the fight by having Ann go outside and then back inside for some reason.

Okay and then it ends. I don’t dislike the last paragraph but I don’t think Ann seems like the person to cry. Maybe just sit in silence. Idk. Seems like a weird note to end on, and a bit of a convoluted ending.

Things I liked: Pretty much anything where something was happening. The beginning and ending stand out to me as quite good. Not amazing, but enjoyable enough to read.

Things to improve: Everything in between was just confusing and either messy or trying to be coy, I don’t know what you tried here. If I need to know the familial relationship of these people you can just straight up tell me. Who even says “brother” or “sister” to their siblings anyway? I don’t have siblings so maybe I’m out of the loop on these things but I always thought they just called each other by their names.

Everyone is trying to be too drat mysterious here is what I’m saying. Be more upfront, bite the bullet on the expo dump if you need to but do it quick and unambiguous and early in your story. Then I can sit down and enjoy your family drama without having to connect the pieces myself and you can focus on showing action and interesting prose, knowing full well that even a dumb reader like me is on board and primed.

Bottomline: don’t waffle about as much. I felt like I had a vague description of things that happened behind the scenes which went on for too long compared to the pay-off of actually interesting things happening during the story proper. It’s okay to have your protagonist be unaware or confused about something but I’d rather not have you conceal and drip feed info your protagonist knows or ought to know just so I can maybe enjoy your story when you’re halfway through and have filled me in on this history your characters have together.


Gonna crit sham bam bamina now because they’re new.

quote:

Nice that my first attempt lands smack in the middle of the rankings. High enough to reassure me that I don't suck, low enough that I don't have anything to live up to next time around.

I like to think that I'd have landed a place higher if I'd been cleaner with my last-minute edits (no way can I forgive myself for repeating "deafening" like that at the end).

Fyi the boring TD veterans get upset when people discuss crits any more than “ty for the crit”. I guess because allowing this in the thread leads to people defending a story tooth and nail and making GBS threads up the thread with inconsequential banter. Hit us up in IRC for musings, thoughts, further feedback, jokes etc.

Sham bam bamina! Did in

Overall impression: You went for present tense, which I don’t mind. Sometimes you slip into past perfect and it’s a little bit jarring but I generally don’t have an issue with very specific conjugation. I do know some goons start frothing at the first sign of “has had” so be wary of that.

All in all this is a cute story. Basically chock full of clichés and stereotypes (I think “generic fantasy” might be the most depressing description of any setting ever, but people like you and I gotta face it, we love our genre fiction with a dash of cliché) but it presents itself as a light-hearted and jovial piece, so it mostly works out. Your prose is overall fairly good, I’d say: it veers into a bit of bombastic purple prose at times, but it also has some cleverness.

Sham bam bamina! posted:

Mawl barges through the throne-cave's door in a regal clatter, cutting off the argument. "An' anoth'thing!" the goblin king slurs through the stockade of his fangs. "Tell 'at sonnabitch 'e's dead tomorrow morrin' an' 'at's final!" The cowering servant who had followed him in bows low and hurries out, dutifully slamming the door behind himself.
I think this is actually a bit of a bad introduction to the story. You say he cut off “the argument”, but I forgot about that part when we got to the discussion again, so I had to backtrack and wondered who or what I missed. Additionally, I was afraid all the goblins would speak with funny accents. I suppose “slurs” should have tipped me off that he was inebriated, but I somehow thought that was just a saidism. And as I said above, here you have a “had followed” when I think the correct tense would be “has followed”. Either I am confused, or you are, but in any case, neither writer nor audience should raise an eyebrow at your tense usage. I have to say my original expectations, going by this paragraph, were kinda mediocre. It’s fortunate that your prose recovers quickly and strongly.

quote:

Mawl's cauldron of a gut sways as the stout body behind it, laboring beneath a crown of gratuitous dimensions, settles into the thick royal cape, whose red velour serves as unacknowledged upholstery for the solid gold throne. In all fairness, there are better things to make a throne from – its unyielding surface is uncomfortable after more than five minutes (though none who sit on it would ever admit that), and the soft metal has sagged and bowed over its centuries of liberal use – but what goblin king would settle for anything less? A crass folk with crass tastes, the goblins have exactly the throne they want, and they wouldn't give it up for all the other thrones in the land.
The first sentence is still a bit iffy: the prose gets really heavy at the end of the sentence, but I think it fits in this instance because it conveys a mood of royalty and lengthy ceremony. So in a way the heavy, bombastic prose goes hand in hand with the heavy aristocratic allures and the fatness of the funny goblin king. However, “red velour…unacknowledged upholstery…” is pushing it just a tad too much. If your entire story were like this, it would be difficult to read.
The rest of the paragraph I like. It gets a bit more lively.

quote:

They would be much better-off if they traded it for even one.
I was left hanging and thinking “one what?” but when going back fort his line by line crit it seems I am merely bad at reading. It’s clear enough, I think. Maybe.

quote:

Deep in the slumber of drink, the crown having toppled from his little head to join the treasure piled high about the throne-cave's floor, the king is now dead to the world, and the discussion resumes. "Oh, fair enough. You're right. If it didn't count in '43, it doesn't count now." Like most disputes over scoring, this one was short-lived. The enchanted throne's twin ruby-eyed heads have been at this for nearly as long as their home has seen use, and the pace of the game has been smoothed by time into a steady current.
I think you made a mistake here by not introducing who is doing the talking first. I realize this is the equivalent of having off-screen voices talk while the camera pans around the room and reveals the speaker, but having voices in a void made me not really understand what was going on at all. Once I figured out the encrusted heads were talking I could re-read what was said and enjoy it quite a bit more.

I like the next paragraphs a lot. Not much to say here except they’re pleasant to read and the discussion moves at just the right pace.

quote:

As the goblins beat each other, oblivious to all else, a guard on his rounds approaches the entrance to the throne-cave. Seeing an altercation, he follows his rigorous training as a goblin guard and joins in. Baff didn't get to patrol this deep in the mountain by sitting on his goblin hands.
I’m not sure “altercation” works here. It’s a bit too dry for it to be justified in this rather mundane sentence. Maybe there was a funnier word you could have used? Right now it’s distracting in a way that is neither funny nor eventful and “fight” or somesuch could have fit better.
Remember that using embellished prose draws attention. It needs to justify that somehow: either drawing attention to important facts or events, being particularly neat as a sentence at a particularly interesting moment in your story, or to be funny, clever, insightful in some way. Embellishing your prose needs to serve a function of sorts: just dropping a word you saw in a thesaurus in an otherwise mundane sentence or moment just distracts the reader without actually making a point or giving them anything in return. At the very least your special fancy word should evoke a feeling of sorts, and I don’t think “altercation” evokes any specific feelings that another word couldn’t have done better.
Sorry if this is a random point to get hung up on prose. It’s just that this word in particular distracted me in ways your other big, fancy words did not. I think because it’s so meaningless in the sentence.

quote:

There is looting. There is even a bit of loving.


quote:

What a loathsome insult this is! His chamber, his treasure, his kingdom, and these imbeciles are trampling any sense of his authority like dirt in their idiot fight. He's been king for two days, but he feels the wrath of two lifetimes. And despite his contempt for it, he can only join the melee.
I like these sentences a lot. Very goblin way of looking at things, and the last two sentences are neat little contrasts.

There’s not much I want to say about the rest of the story: it reads comfortably, you stick the landing with your parting shot as an ending, and all in all I’m glad I read it.

Things I liked: Your prose was good most of the time, with a few parts where I saw you put in effort and it didn’t feel forced at all.

Things to improve: At a few instances, your prose is a bit too heavy or forced for its own good. Your first paragraph especially is one big false start. Your story is also not particularly original or imaginative with regards to its setting, but I think in this specific case that might have helped. It’s a fun little story and I think trying to be more original might have bogged down the actual story with lore or infodumps. Still, goblins are a bit tired and cliché. I realize you were using the prompt you were dealt, but TD usually allows you to stretch your imagination muscles a bit and go for metaphors or just vague inspiration with regards to the prompt. The point is to get your creative juices flowing, not to constrain you too much.

Bottomline: a fun read, in my humble opinion, but it tries to be too heavy at times. I’d compare your story to a cheap Bordeaux wine bought in a plastic bag at Carrefour: a guilty pleasure for when I don’t care about being fancy, but it tries a bit too hard to be sophisticated and having too much of it gives me a headache the next morning. Fortunately your story is a little sip and it warms my heart. Reading an entire book in this style might be cumbersome.

Welcome to the thunderdome!

Deltasquid fucked around with this message at 22:56 on Sep 26, 2017

Dr. Kloctopussy
Apr 22, 2003

"It's time....to DIE!"


Thanks for the crit Deltasquid, I appreciate the insights.

Sham bam bamina!
Nov 6, 2012

ƨtupid cat


Thanks a ton. Flattered!

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




here's quick and dirty megabrawls results sorry for the delay

crabrock beat jitzu
muffin beat djeser
trex beat thranguy
sitting here won because seafood gave up

next prompt isnt up yet because i have a dumb gimmick

Yoruichi
Sep 21, 2017


Horse Facts

True and Interesting Facts about Horse




In.

6.

Kaishai
Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.

:siren: Thunderdome Recaps! :siren:





It's my dubious pleasure to present you with not one, not two, but three recap episodes in a bid to make up for lost time, starting with the round that proved there's no party like a failure party (because nobody throws parties for failures): Week 261: You Are Cordially Invited to the Dome of a Thousand Doors. Some of what went wrong with Thunderdome's fifth birthday celebration is obvious, but far be it from Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, or myself to turn our eyes from comparatively minor issues like prolonged banter, execrable proofreading, or that one list of matches in a monster tournament we never get to see. Twist brings class and panache to our reading of dmboogie's "i bet one day we'll look back on this and laugh but for tonight could you just buy me a drink."

This proceeded longer than it should have.


Next up we have Week 262: Build Your Own Prompt, a soggy mess of clams and muscles if ever one there was. We take a look at the positive mentions too, rejoicing in the mermen and the Uber, but once we've read Development's "Jericoh Juice" aloud we can't wash the taste of sugared bean water out of our mouths.

“Oh man I feel so woke after this!” He exclaimed.


Finally, the recappers struggle with the monsters of Week 263: dragons are for rich white kids and come to hate any world that includes Week 264: Dystopia With A View. "Does Thunderdome know what winner means?" we ask ourselves. "And was there any point to the dragons?" Listen to the episode to find out our answers. The dramatic-reading portion of the program takes a vacation from standard operating procedure, visiting the yuppy places of this world in Wrageowrapper's "The Drone of the Tower."

With each crimson stain, the community became a better place.


Episodes past can be found here!

Kaishai fucked around with this message at 22:56 on Nov 23, 2017

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016


Got Out.

Grimey Drawer

Jay W. Friks posted:

Week#269 AMBROSE BIERCE SAW HIM FIRST

This week is all about the King in Yellow by Robert. W Chambers, one of my favorite ole-timey horror anthologies. (I know half of the book is more like a romance but I don't count that part)

If you want to read it, go here https://maggiemcneill.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/the-king-in-yellow.pdf

If you want to read a blurb about it, go here, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_King_in_Yellow

What I like most about the anthology is that there is no actual character within any of the stories called "The King in Yellow" or "Hastur" for those familiar with Lovecraft's tweaking of Chambers work.

Instead, the "King in Yellow" is a play that appears as sometimes a central focus of the narrator, an item that causes misfortune like a cursed relic, or is mentioned in the background but causes nothing else important to occur within the plot(but is still focused on for more than a line)

This week, you can write whatever you want barring fan-fiction and erotica but you have to include the King in Yellow (The Play I mentioned within this post, not the Creature "Hastur", or the real-life book. Though, you can write about those as well AS LONG AS THE PLAY ITSELF AS AN OBJECT IS WITHIN THE STORY) somewhere in the narrative. It will help you clarify this if you look at the wiki-article I linked about Chambers book "The King in Yellow" in the synopsis of the story within the Wiki it talks about the book within the book "The King in Yellow."

If you want a flash rule (which will be random, From A-for animal to Z-for Zodiac) just indicate so in your entry post.

Put the number 6 in your entry post to give me more hope you read this.

Bottomline: you're writing a story, any genre except erotica and fan fiction that has the fictional play "the King in Yellow" within the narrative. For those who know nothing about this, read the WIKI page, not the pdf.

WORDCOUNT MAX: 1750

Entry deadline is Friday 8:59 pm PST/11:59am EST

Submission deadline is Sunday 8:59 pm PST/11:59am EST

Repairers of Reputations
1. Jay W. Friks
2. Thranguy
3. Chili

Citizens of Lost Carcosa
1. Jonjoe
2. Burkion (Submitted)
3. Jan
4. llamaguccii
5. magnificent7
6. Chairchucker https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scepter_of_Dagobert
7. Okua https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sloth_(deadly_sin)
8. Fuschia tude (someone in your story must savor/dislike a grape flavored item)
9. MockingQuantum
10. Benny Profane https://youtu.be/aNEWovYSC5w?list=PL6kWrBcw9eNeNeLbpES2T1zAks3ztKcqz
11. Yoruichi (Submitted)
12. Solitair
13.
ect...

Jay W. Friks fucked around with this message at 23:08 on Sep 29, 2017

Deltasquid
Apr 10, 2013

awww...
you guys made me ink!


THUNDERDOME


Ah gently caress it, I'm in. Give me a flash rule. 665, the neighbour of the beast.

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016


Got Out.

Grimey Drawer

Deltasquid posted:

Ah gently caress it, I'm in. Give me a flash rule. 665, the neighbour of the beast.

@Deltasquid

You got a K! For Kid's Saturday Morning Cartoon!

Within your story, there must be a television playing a Saturday Morning Cartoon of the early 80's or early 90's. It doesn't matter what cartoon it is, you can choose that. A character must refer to the cartoon in question within the storyline. The importance of this event to your story beyond that is entirely up to you.

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Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016


Got Out.

Grimey Drawer

FYI@ Everybody

I'm quoting the prompt on purpose. It helps me with keeping track of things by having it not like four pages back when I'm typing a reply. I got a lovely memory and need all the help I can get with some stuff.

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