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Sitting Here posted:Here's 5 more crits from week 306. Gonna try to have the rest out before judgment this week, so i can write my 307 crits as i read. quote:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cuttlefish magnificent7 fucked around with this message at 19:18 on Jun 25, 2018 |
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Jun 25, 2018 13:35
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Prompt between prompt 100 word story about prodigal sons/daughters
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Jun 25, 2018 20:05
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Mercedes posted:Prompt between prompt Twenty Years Away From Home 100 words In my dreams, I see the malls of my childhood. I walk the hallways and try to remember each store in turn, from those distant days when they were all local: overstocked hobby store, jeweler, iron-on T-shirt store, anchoring department store from a chain I've never seen since. Sometimes it's the University commons, with its stairway to nowhere and the chessboard tables outside, grass peeking through the cutouts in the paving stones. It's almost never our old house; when it is, I'm alone. My parents were incidental. I was raised by times and places, and I can never go home.
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Jun 25, 2018 21:51
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 Week 307 ResultsThis week's stories were decent, far more decent in fact than its failure rate. Carl Killer Miller, Deltasquid, flerp, apophenium, Meinberg, ibntumart, Entenzahn, and Bad Seafood receive 800 cubic centimeters of shame and two rotten kidneys for their failure. Not every submission measured up. We issue eight metric tons of Loss to QuoProQuid for a #millenialproblems story that devolves into a find-the-annoying-kid story. Further, we issue 200,000 Newtons of DM to Benny Profane for a story that amounts to 'Dad’s being weird, is he okay? Yes, kinda? LOL,' as expressed by a useless narrator-as-camera character. We also issue one steaming mound of DQ to Mercedes for tacking too far from the prompt on multiple counts. But there was a quantity of submissions which were positive in sum. One healthy dollop of HM goes to Kaishai for a poignant, technically proficient, and prompt-faithful depiction of a grieving mom. Also, a heaping helping of win goes to Jay W. Friks for strong symbolism, emotional resonance, powerful adherence to the prompt, an appreciably characterized protagonist, and a tenor of prose and dialogue that serves his story well. Jay, although relative gains in your writing skill over time didn't factor into our decision (we just evaluated each story this week as-is), we judges nevertheless want to acknowledge you for measurable progress over time. You may sit the throne, it is but 0.0001 furlongs away.
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Jun 25, 2018 23:07
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Week 308: Codex of the Infinite Planes I’ve been an avid d&d player since I was in elementary school, I don’t pay too much attention to any lore that connects each edition to the next except for the planes. The planes are a kind of solar system that revolves around the material plane (our world). There have been many ways to travel from plane to plane, but this week is more about writing something inspired off of these alien/fantastical landscapes than riding in some space whale to the land of coke and prostitutes. This week I’ll give you a plane of existence from the annals of the Codex, these planes may be related to elemental forces like the Plane of Water, Fire, Steam, and Radiance, the negative energy plane. They might be planes related to the transitions of reality, the plane of shadow or the astral plane. They could also be one of the planes where personal identity, morality, are the forces that shape that plane, many of these resemble different versions of hell and heaven from various religions, like Ysgard, the Abyss, Acheron. When you sign up I’ll give you a plane of existence to be inspired by and an article explaining a bit about it. Your story doesn’t have to be fantasy or horror, it can be a real life scenario inspired by the natures of the plane you’re given. Put a 6 in your post if you read this. Just don’t write any fanfiction (I’m banning Sigil as a plane btw), rants, etc look at the other weeks do I really need to tell you what not to vomit here. Ask for a flashrule and you get 200 extra words. These will be songs from my favorites on youtube. They might suck but you still gotta get inspired by them, and I gotta SEEEEE IIIIIT. Maximum word count is 1200. Last day to sign up is 6/29/18 11:59 PST Submissions close at 7/1/18 11:59 PST Judges of the Cosmos: J.W Friks Solitair Djeser Chaosmen: 1. QuoProquid: Plane of Shadow https://dnd-wiki.org/wiki/SRD:Plane_of_Shadow 2. Cpt_Dr: Clockwork Nirvana of Mechanus https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mechanus  3. Captain Person: Astral Plane https://dnd-wiki.org/wiki/SRD:Astral_Plane 4. Thranguy: Ever Changing Chaos of Limbo http://www.rilmani.org/timaresh/Limbo Flashrule: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLduxBQ7_jo&index=22&list=FLNfj1NfBIzdr_wR3adPlWtQ&t=0s 5. Uranium Phoenix: Gray Wastes of Hades http://forgottenrealms.wikia.com/wiki/Hades Flash Rule: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnR2AyGxZuM&index=26&list=FLNfj1NfBIzdr_wR3adPlWtQ&t=0s 6. Sebmojo: Tosheik the Demiplane https://dnd-wiki.org/wiki/Tosheik_(3.5e_Location) 7. Chairchucker: The Olympian Glades of Arborea https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arborea_(Dungeons_%26_Dragons) Flash rule https://youtu.be/os8WIRrtu5o 8. BabyRyoga: Wilderness of the Beastlands https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beastlands Flashrule: https://youtu.be/zWQQTZ9oV3o 9. Hawklad: Positive Energy Plane https://pathfinderwiki.com/wiki/Positive_Energy_Plane Flash rule: https://youtu.be/ZcFhz5YgTzQ 10. SurreptitiousMuffin: Nine Hells of Baator https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baator 11. Fuschia tude: Blessed Fields of Elysium https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elysium_(Dungeons_%26_Dragons) 12. ibntumart: Observatorium Demiplane https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bY-E_EReQ6XA_BMEWwlsiwLBfIUUSnmYXq5WOfQCDqc/edit?usp=sharing 13. Chuf: Demiplane of Darksphere https://dnd-wiki.org/wiki/Darksphere_(3.5e_Location) 14. apophenium: Bleak Eternity of Gehenna https://planescape-campaign.obsidianportal.com/wiki_pages/gehenna 15. MockingQuantum: The Infernal Battlefields of Acheron https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acheron_(Dungeons_%26_Dragons) 16. Mercedes: Negative Energy Plane http://forgottenrealms.wikia.com/wiki/Negative_Energy_plane 17. Benny profane The Para-elemental plane of Smoke http://www.rilmani.org/timaresh/Paraelemental_Plane_of_Smoke 18. Felime: The Elemental Plane of Air http://www.rilmani.org/timaresh/Elemental_Plane_of_Air Flashrule: https://youtu.be/G6FRxUi0wl8 19. Antivehicular: The Quasi-Elemental Plane of Mineral http://www.rilmani.org/timaresh/Quasielemental_Plane_of_Mineral Flash rule: https://youtu.be/wtXz3OlFwZA 20. Maigius: Seven Mounting Heavens of Celestia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mount_Celestia 21. Beige: Ethereal Plane http://forgottenrealms.wikia.com/wiki/Ethereal_plane 22. Magnificent7: Para-Elemental plane of ice http://dungeonsdragons.wikia.com/wiki/Plane_of_Ice 23. Pham Nuwen: Windswept Depths of Pandemonium https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pandemonium_(Dungeons_%26_Dragons) 24. Yoruichi: Elemental Plane of Water http://dungeonsdragons.wikia.com/wiki/Plane_of_Water 25. Badseafood: Tarterian Depths of Carceri http://www.rilmani.org/timaresh/Carceri 26. Lippincott: Quasi-Elemental plane of Radiance http://www.rilmani.org/timaresh/Quasielemental_Plane_of_Radiance 27. Zagazunt: The Infinite Layers of the Abyss https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abyss_(Dungeons_%26_Dragons) 28. Ironic Twist: Heroic Domains of Ysgard https://1d4chan.org/wiki/Ysgard 29. Kaishai: Quasi-Elemental plane of Vacuum http://www.rilmani.org/timaresh/Quasielemental_Plane_of_Vacuum Jay W. Friks fucked around with this message at 04:58 on Jul 2, 2018 |
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Jun 26, 2018 01:00
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cool. im in. 6
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Jun 26, 2018 01:02
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QuoProQuid posted:cool. im in. I rolled a 32. (32-34) You get the Plane of Shadow https://dnd-wiki.org/wiki/SRD:Plane_of_Shadow
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Jun 26, 2018 01:04
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In, 6, Gimme that weird magicky goodness.
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Jun 26, 2018 01:05
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In, 6. Gimme the goods!
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Jun 26, 2018 01:07
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cptn_dr posted:In, 6, I rolled a 61, (61-62) You got the Clockwork Nirvana of Mechanus https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mechanus
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Jun 26, 2018 01:09
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Home Again "Papa I am home!" said little Mercedes. TDBot turned, scorn in his eyes. "I made you something from the bottom of my heart papa!" TDBots eyes flashed in anger and cuffed little Mercedes on the side of the head, knocking him into conviniently placed boxes.
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Jun 26, 2018 01:10
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Captain_Person posted:In, 6. Gimme the goods! I rolled a 27, (26-28) You get the Astral Plane https://dnd-wiki.org/wiki/SRD:Astral_Plane
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Jun 26, 2018 01:10
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In, and fla6h me.
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Jun 26, 2018 01:28
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Thranguy posted:In, and fla6h me. I rolled a 59 (59-60) you get The Ever-Changing Chaos of Limbo http://www.rilmani.org/timaresh/Limbo Flashrule is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLduxBQ7_jo&index=22&list=FLNfj1NfBIzdr_wR3adPlWtQ&t=0s
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Jun 26, 2018 01:35
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gettin in on this fantastic nerd poo poo 6, flashrule, aw yeah
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Jun 26, 2018 01:56
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Uranium Phoenix posted:gettin in on this fantastic nerd poo poo I rolled a 58, (57-58) You get the Gray Waste of Hades http://forgottenrealms.wikia.com/wiki/Hades Flash rule: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnR2AyGxZuM&index=26&list=FLNfj1NfBIzdr_wR3adPlWtQ&t=0s
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Jun 26, 2018 02:19
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6 68 THE NEIGHBOUR OFFFF THE BEAST I'm in
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Jun 26, 2018 02:47
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sebmojo posted:6 I rolled a 91, you get the demiplane of Tosheik https://dnd-wiki.org/wiki/Tosheik_(3.5e_Location) Jay W. Friks fucked around with this message at 03:36 on Jun 26, 2018 |
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Jun 26, 2018 03:30
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In, flash, 6
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Jun 26, 2018 03:35
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Chairchucker posted:In, flash, 6 I rolled a 40 (39-40) You get the Olympian Glades of Arborea https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arborea_(Dungeons_%26_Dragons) Flash rule: https://youtu.be/os8WIRrtu5o
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Jun 26, 2018 03:43
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in, I will take
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Jun 26, 2018 03:56
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In, 6 me up with a flash rule also
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Jun 26, 2018 04:10
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666 the devil told me to go all in.
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Jun 26, 2018 04:11
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hell yes I am in for 6d6 points of planescape damage.
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Jun 26, 2018 04:27
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BabyRyoga posted:in, I will take I rolled a 43 (43-44) You get the Wilderness of the Beastlands https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beastlands Flashrule: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zWQQTZ9oV3o&index=49&list=FLNfj1NfBIzdr_wR3adPlWtQ
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Jun 26, 2018 05:29
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Hawklad posted:In, 6 me up with a flash rule also I rolled a 77(77-78) You get the Positive Energy Plane https://pathfinderwiki.com/wiki/Positive_Energy_Plane Flash rule: https://youtu.be/ZcFhz5YgTzQ
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Jun 26, 2018 05:33
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SurreptitiousMuffin posted:666 the devil told me to go all in. I rolled a 47 (47-48) You get the Nine Hells of Baator. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baator
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Jun 26, 2018 05:37
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Fuschia tude posted:hell yes I am in for 6d6 points of planescape damage. I rolled a 53 (53-54) You get the Blessed Fields of Elysium https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elysium_(Dungeons_%26_Dragons)
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Jun 26, 2018 05:40
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Week 307 crits These crits will be much shorter than my longform 306 crits (which I am still working on at the time of this writing). If you have questions, hit me up in IRC, PM, or crosspost to the fiction advice thread. Jay Friks Oof. This is the second week in a row where a story has grabbed me by the shoulder with one hand and socked me in the gut with the other. The repetitive nature of the prose really works to drive home the narrator’s mindset. None of the sad details of his life are laid on particularly thick; when he dreams of his mother and Halloween, it’s heartbreaking where other stories might’ve gone too maudlin. I vehemently dislike the end of the story, not because it’s bad but because I very much want something different for the narrator. I don’t want that 8 year old boy to punctuate in a lonely death (much as the narrator wants it). In terms of prompt use, I think I know what you were going for. According to wikipedia, one of the definitions for “furlong” is the distance oxen are capable of pulling a plow before rest. The narrator is the ox, his life is his field, and he needs to rest. Chili I can’t actually put my finger on the particulars of the central conflict here. Are the trees not producing big apples because Pa is gone? Is it because the song was sung late? Because Archie didn’t have enough self confidence? Why were the branches suddenly lower at the end? Was it magic? Why does jumping and barely grabbing one apple suddenly give Archie the confidence that he’ll be able to harvest the whole bunch? Every time Archie walks into the house and talks to his mom, he ends up basically turning on his heel and walking back out the door, feeling the opposite to however he felt when he walked in. It was almost a little funny, though I think it’s meant to show progression in how he’s dealing with the conflict. It was kinda weird with Pa; like, yeah him leaving is sort of the inciting incident, but from a storytelling perspective, you could’ve erased that character completely. Archie could’ve been coming of age as his mother is growing too old or sick to care for the trees. Something like that would’ve given her a little texture, made her something other than a sounding board for Archie’s various tree doubts. As for prompt use, I think it works. The progression of a fortnight is important to the events of the story. Thranguy I like the realism and pacing in this. I think at one point you call Dozan ‘Tariq’ (right after the narrator realizes that Dozan is Tariq [which my googling tells me probably means he came from a nomadic group]), but otherwise the writing is pleasantly readable as always. This is a deep nitpick but I really didn’t like how the ending was lumped into one big paragraph. It kind of made it feel like none of the ending beats got the weight they deserved. My eyes kind of rushed through the text. The use of your prompt, as in the actual currency, was kind of loose but I see that it informed your choice of setting so I think that’s a success. profane So, was Dad’s plan with the crockpot to have the kids pee in it on the car ride? If so, that bit made me laugh. By the time I got to the part where Dad is talking to the narrator, though, my eyes kind of started to skim. The ending felt like...not a shaggy dog joke, but a long road to a little house. It has a “punchline” sort of feel, even though I think this is meant to be a sincere character sketch. Dad seems broken by his wife’s death, but through finding and then growing annoyed by his faith, he recovers a bit of his old self. The narrator is a bit of a non-entity; their relationship to their father is implicit and they don’t do much except relay events to us and react to things Dad does. The prompt usage looks good to me--if nothing else, you used it in an unexpected way. cptn_dr So, one thing that stuck out to me is that near the end, one of your little italicized sections mentions that people who go nuts in the arctic get such a craving to consume that they’ll eat the first animal or person they come across. I think that added a little ominous note that maybe you didn’t add intentionally. Like I read a line like that, I lean in a little closer and keep my eyes peeled for some cannibal action. But no, I think the intent was to show just how strong the human will to survive is. I’ll admit, I’m not a fan of stories where a sort of generic narrator goes through the vivid agony of not dying. The only bit of characterization is that they wanted to explore the arctic, and to some extent I can relate to the idea of finally attaining something you’ve wanted, only to get hosed over by it. It’s just that like, enjoyment of this story is contingent on whether you enjoy the writing (it’s not bad but there aren’t enough unique turns of phrase or unexpected description to let the prose stand alone) or reading about humans discovering the will to survive (I think the human spirit is overrated tbh). I was left feeling rather lukewarm in spite of the frigid setting. Prompt use is a little fuzzy. Distance is certainly a factor here, but the measurement of a league in particular doesn’t seem super important. I’d rather have read about boats or submarines. Mercedes This is the first story that started with someone who was down, then really kicked them when they were down, resulting in them going even downer. Geeze. I think I like this story, though it’s not without its flaws. This teeters dangerously on the edge of science fiction, but I feel like it’s something that could happen in the next few years, so if it were up to me I would give it a pass. I’m curious what our bossjudge will make of it. There’s actually a lot of heart to this piece, even if it was fairly predictable. The problem is...I have no fuckin idea what the prompt has to do with this piece, so much so that I’m wondering if you even knew you were assigned a rule. fuschia_tude I think I like this piece. It’s not overthick with the abuse stuff, but there’s enough there to draw a nice metaphor between the catharsis of neutralizing an abuser and the catharsis of taming a big, wild animal. This is a person finding control and agency again. I’m not sure how I feel about stuff with the sister, other than it provides texture and context. I think going back and forth was probably a good call, though again, i feel like the bits with the sister added some padding that didn’t quite cinch up thematically with the other details of the story. The prompt usage was fine--a little obvious, going with a herd of horses, but I think it works because it’s not really about the horses. QPQ So, Harry’s self doubts feel a little bit histrionic. I understand that the pressure to find a career after school can be crippling, and that panic attacks are real things, but that doesn’t make them inherently compelling. All he does is sort of wallow around in his misgivings. He decision to finally go outside with matteo doesn’t even initially come from any particular motivation--he’s just been beating his head against the wall and finally realizes he needs some air. The flimflam with the kid running off to the park creates no drama, offers no revelation to the main character, does little except move Harry from one anonymous locale to another. I hated the kid. I hate when kids are used as the familial equivalent of the manic pixe dream girl (and believe me, manic pixie dream child is a concept i never thought i would say words about). I feel like I’m getting a really elaborate take on “stop and smell the roses”, except Harry never has a distinct revelation about time management or self-care. It’s not even clear what effect, if any, his excursion with Matteo will have on his problems. Overall, this felt like a pretty generic take on a sadly common millennial experience. The problem is, you kind of just set a common experience in front of us and don’t do much with it. The prompt use wasn’t awful, but it was pretty straightforward and generic. You could’ve replaced the geese with any plant or animal and it would’ve have had the same effect. Kaishai This is a nicely written piece. The emotions in the beginning are very raw, and the portrait of the situation is painted with easy clarity. If newer writers want a lesson in using details to paint a picture, this would be an excellent example. I don’t have any crits, per se, except to say that for me, in this week, I was more drawn to catharsis. The end of this story is bittersweet and well done. Still, I felt like it cinched up too neatly at the end. The narrative goes out of its way to remind the reader that Elodie’s grief is not over and will never be over, but it ended on such a tidy, positive note that I didn’t get that sense of catharsis I was looking for. This was a close contender for the win none the less.
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Jun 26, 2018 06:02
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6 me up, man. I need to redeem myself.
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Jun 26, 2018 12:53
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Forgot to say thanks to Djeser for the crit way back on week 304. Frankly after seeing the quality of all the other entries, I was simply glad to avoid the loss. But, there's always this week! 6 am in.
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Jun 26, 2018 13:03
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I'm in for this week with a for my si
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Jun 26, 2018 13:47
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Thanks for the crit SH! And yea, it's real technology https://www.technologyreview.com/s/603492/10-breakthrough-technologies-2017-reversing-paralysis/amp/
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Jun 26, 2018 14:23
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ibntumart posted:6 me up, man. I need to redeem myself. I rolled an 88 (88) You get the Observatorium Demiplane. There are no websites for it, so I took the liberty of putting the text of the book it comes from here for you to peruse. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bY-E_EReQ6XA_BMEWwlsiwLBfIUUSnmYXq5WOfQCDqc/edit?usp=sharing Jay W. Friks fucked around with this message at 16:57 on Jun 26, 2018 |
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Jun 26, 2018 16:38
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In, 6
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Jun 26, 2018 16:39
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Chuf posted:Forgot to say thanks to Djeser for the crit way back on week 304. Frankly after seeing the quality of all the other entries, I was simply glad to avoid the loss. But, there's always this week! I rolled an 89 (89) you get the demiplane of Darksphere https://dnd-wiki.org/wiki/Darksphere_(3.5e_Location)
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Jun 26, 2018 16:40
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apophenium posted:I'm in for this week with a I rolled a 55 (55-56) You get the Bleak Eternity of Gehenna https://planescape-campaign.obsidianportal.com/wiki_pages/gehenna
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Jun 26, 2018 16:43
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MockingQuantum posted:In, 6 I rolled a 37 (37-38) You get the Infernal Battlefields of Acheron https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acheron_(Dungeons_%26_Dragons)
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Jun 26, 2018 16:45
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Alright, gently caress it. I'm in. 9. Yea, I said it.
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Jun 26, 2018 17:46
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Mercedes posted:Alright, gently caress it. I'm in. I rolled an 80(79-80) you get the Negative Energy Plane http://forgottenrealms.wikia.com/wiki/Negative_Energy_plane
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Jun 26, 2018 18:21
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