Register a SA Forums Account here!
JOINING THE SA FORUMS WILL REMOVE THIS BIG AD, THE ANNOYING UNDERLINED ADS, AND STUPID INTERSTITIAL ADS!!!

You can: log in, read the tech support FAQ, or request your lost password. This dumb message (and those ads) will appear on every screen until you register! Get rid of this crap by registering your own SA Forums Account and joining roughly 150,000 Goons, for the one-time price of $9.95! We charge money because it costs us money per month for bills, and since we don't believe in showing ads to our users, we try to make the money back through forum registrations.
 
Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

Yes, the good words are gone.

Why are the good words gone?!




In

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Antivehicular
Dec 30, 2011

I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving
And something has got to give



QuoProQuid posted:

sure. im in.






onsetOutsider posted:

in and i failed my last 2 entries so :toxx:





Antivehicular fucked around with this message at 02:19 on Feb 5, 2019

Sham bam bamina!
Nov 6, 2012

ƨtupid cat


Kickass prompt. In.

Lead out in cuffs
Sep 18, 2012

"That's right. We've evolved."

"I can see that. Cool mutations."






Lead out in cuffs posted:

Moon stuff!

We got 26 of you signed up, and I sent the sheet off to the mad genius dude this morning, who had a design ready within a few hours. He was going to squish it into 2/3 this amount of space, but I persuaded him to sacrifice two more squares of genome to make it not look like rear end.

As he put it, "If the aliens come back and ask for the extra 20 [ed: actually 40!] kb[p], I'll send them to you."

Sanitised to blank out real names so I don't doxx you; those will be included on the final disc. One pixel in the png equals one pixel on the disc. I'm not bothering timging since it isn't big enough to break tables.



This is going to appear as-is inside a whole lot of blocks of digitised human genome. Don't worry too much about the genomic stuff we removed, it's only like 0.0013% of the genome, probably really low-complexity and not super important! :v:


I'll post more updates as I get them.

And now, back to your regular programming.

OK, one last post and I'll stop spamming. From the guy I'm working with:

quote:

We still have a bit of time, so I'd like to make sure everyone is happy with their text.

If you submitted text, please take a look and ensure that it maximises your happiness. If you are desperately unhappy, PM me, or email me at leadout5@gmail.com. We still have some time to fix any errors.

Hawklad
May 3, 2003


College Slice

IN

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







This is great. Typo bottom left, though, begginning (unless that's part of the code)

Saucy_Rodent
Oct 24, 2018

by Pragmatica


Seraphiel's story included a murder underneath an indoor tree with a star on top. The jolliness was implied.

And thanks for the crits. I was really worried that it was unclear that Sk'Kul was supposed to be a skeleton, I'm glad you understood that.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!







Saucy_Rodent posted:

Seraphiel's story included a murder underneath an indoor tree with a star on top. The jolliness was implied.

And thanks for the crits. I was really worried that it was unclear that Sk'Kul was supposed to be a skeleton, I'm glad you understood that.

yeah crits are good

:toxx: in

SlipUp
Sep 30, 2006


In

Sham bam bamina!
Nov 6, 2012

ƨtupid cat


Thunderdome 2019teen: I was really worried that it was unclear that Sk'Kul was supposed to be a skeleton

saladscooper
Jan 25, 2019

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


Thanks for the crit!

cptn_dr
Sep 7, 2011

Seven for beauty that blossoms and dies



Thanks for the Crit!

Also, In for the week.

Beezus
Sep 11, 2018

I never said I was a role model.



Hey here are some late crits from Week 338 - Places of Power

In order of whatever crits had the most complete sentences when I opened my google doc tonight:

Bear Witness

Your story: ďLook at these children who are probably dead, now back to me. Now look at the sky: it's full of dreams. Now look at your man again, and now look back at me. You are now a bear. Iím the megalith.Ē

I see what you did, but I donít think it had the impact you were hoping for. Structurally, this was fine. You introduce some tantalizing stories in the form of vignettes, but you brushed them away without giving me a strong sense of anything. I wanted you to do more with these introductions, and I guess itís saying something that I cared enough to want that. The interjecting commands, however, did nothing for me. Also, if youíre going to make your title a bear pun, go all in on the bear.

Fortune Cookies are Bullshit Anyway

Wow a typo in your second sentence. Not a strong start, champ. I donít know, buddy. Youíre trying to paint this picture of a comfy, hole in the wall, home town Chinese restaurant and Iím just not buying it. Also, is the mom in this just plain insane? A restaurant staffed by ghosts? Is she supposed to be funny? Is the narrator a five year old that would actually be scared by that? I donít think it had quite the punch you think it did. Also, hereís a fun thing to consider when using compound subjects: In a sentence like ďMom and me went to the store,Ē take ďmomĒ out of the sentence. Is ďme went to the storeĒ a good sentence? No it is not.

Last Night

This is just a Simon and Garfunkel song fic. What was the place of power? What was anything? You had one cringeworthy sentence in here, but otherwise it was fine I guess. You throw in bits of exposition like afterthoughts.

Froggy Went A-Portiní

You had an exciting start, but it didnít hold up through to your ending. Basic as gently caress sentence structure. Like third grade reading level. That makes me mad because as soon as I got a whiff of what you were selling, I was on board. There was just no flair to how you did it. Just the color blue. Blue. Over and over again, blue. I should have noted how many times you used ďblueĒ in a single paragraph. You could have broken your sentences up so much better and they wouldn't have been so clunky. Also, itís okay to use a thesaurus once in a while, so long as you use a word you already knew but forgot you knew it.

Carhenge

Thereís an amazing line in here, but it unfortunately ripped me out of your story immediately. Your next colorful line is not so great, and it takes me out of your story more. Also, how silent can it be when a dying car is creaking along, coughing and sputtering? Donít say something is silent when it clearly isnít in your next sentence. Ugh, honestly, your prose hiccups aside, this wasnít a bad story. It wasnít great, but you may stay.

Burden of Faith

If this story was a taste profile, it would be bland. For all the color you mention, it all seems awfully grey. Youíre setting a scene, but building no tension and giving me no real sense of why I should care about Jesse. You allude to a great loss in her life, but she doesnít seem all that moved by it. And just when I think Iím about to care, it ends. And this glowing moment just falls flat. Was the mountain having any effect on her? It just seemed so contrived. Like she would have called her dad anyway - she could have been in the parking lot of a Wendyís and it would have made no difference. Itís a shame because I think this could have actually been a hearty helping of delicious sentiment, but it just ended up a little hollow.

What madness etc etc etc (your title was long or something)

Yep I liked it. Was hoping for something a little more punchy in the end, but the journey was enjoyable. Loved the rubber band scene. I had a good chucklesnort.

Somewhere Else

This was my HM contender, but I backed down before blood was drawn. Rightly so as my co-judges pointed out that absolutely nothing happened here, and they were right. I thought you painted a very good picture of Antarctic life and why someone would go there, and I liked the voice you used, but for gently caress's sake, they were right - it's more like a stream of consciousness. So I like it, but with contempt for you in my heart.

Undeath of the Author

This was nonsense. Decently-written nonsense. It was a mildly fun, Labyrinth-esque romp through some pulpy magical setting that escalated to some even more pulpy-fantasy bullshit. I canít fault you much for your word choice and grammar, but I also have no idea what I just read or why.

A Good Friend, a Guardian Angel

If you want to write archaic speech, make sure it's digestible - what you wrote was unnaturally stilted and awful. Donít load it up with dumb exposition. I wanted the skeletons to win the whole time. You canít drop a reader into the middle of some action within a dense and alienating fantasy setting. This would have worked better as The Road to El Dorado fanfiction. That is why you failed.

Isla de las Munecas

I read all of those words and all I got was a dead bird.

Ok, so your structure was good. You started to set up something really cool and quite unsettling, and I had a strong sense of place, but it just didnít seem like much happened. I liked this, but your execution and diction were lacking.

Come and Thou Shall have whatever (I can't remember the full title)

I was having a mediocre time with this until the very last line. Then I laughed. You may also stay. But learn from this and write something better next time.

Beezus fucked around with this message at 06:15 on Feb 5, 2019

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


In.

Hit me, dollface.

My Shark Waifuu
Dec 9, 2012





A new challenger appears!

I'm in.

selaphiel
Jan 31, 2019

where did all the entwives go?


Saucy_Rodent posted:

Seraphiel's story included a murder underneath an indoor tree with a star on top. The jolliness was implied.

:imunfunny: (I reckoned that was one of the few ways a wolf would be able to imply it was Christmas. Oh well.)

In for the next promt.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Very cool prompt. In.

Simply Simon
Nov 6, 2010

📡scanning🛰️ for good game 🎮design🦔🦔🦔


Thanks a bunch for the crits, anatomi and Beezus!

I'm in for this week. Give me a nice picture to mull about on a plane ride!

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

IN THE GRIM BARKNESS
OF THE FUTURE
THERE ARE ONLY DOGS



Nap Ghost

I'm in. No dead children pls.

Obliterati
Nov 13, 2012

Pain is inevitable.
Suffering is optional.
Thunderdome is forever.


In.

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes



In.

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why did you fail Thunderdome?


In

anatomi
Jan 31, 2015

A quick little mouse!


The drunken masters of this place thought they could silence me. But I am returned, carrying obsidian slabs of infernal crits.

Crits for week 337: Lytton Phrase Prompt

Dolash - The Benefits of Wearing Many Hats
Delightful story. Breezy. Reminded me of the chase in Aladdin. And much like when watching a Disney movie, I was never concerned for the protagonistís well-being or whether theyíd succeed.

Rad-daddio - Bot Builder
Well. This was a story told very bluntly and in way too many words. I donít mind that you didnít do anything unexpected with the Lytton phrase. A simple approach can be nice. But there's a lot of stuff in here that should have been excised. For instance, youíre making GBS threads out a lot of descriptions of various actions, and it fucks up the flow.
And you know, culling stupid poo poo frees up a lot of real estate. Meaning thereís room to add important stuff like characterization. Sarah is marginally less developed than Joel, but thatís damning with faint praise.
Side-note - life in bondage in the factory seems like a horrible enough thing on its own. Why not build on that, instead of tacking on some unnecessary brain infection? Itís like you had to accommodate two Lytton phrases.

Simply Simon - Give Me Love, My Heart
Suffers a bit from too much telling and too little showing. Occasionally the verboseness of the language tangles otherwise neat phrasing.
That said, I donít mind too much. The writing emphasizes the feeling of old sci-fi pulp, which Iíve a soft spot for.
The twist, ridiculous but fittingly so, saved the story for me.

crabrock - This is Dumb
Not so dumb. Actually kinda sweet. But I feel that the characters are too indifferent about all the magical poo poo thatís happening to them.
This conveys a sense of jadedness about love and wonderment, which perhaps is the point. But it made the story, which doesn't really go anywhere, a bit dull. I donít think itís gonna stay with me, you know?
I wonder how a shift to the little girl's naive perspective would change things.
(I love the last sentence.)

onsetOutsider - Hereís something I tried to write
I sympathize with the narrator wanting to get things done. But they are too wordy and glib when perhaps they should be terse.
I find myself not caring where the story's heading - maybe because the narrator doesn't seem to give a poo poo either.
Aside from steering away from a disinterested voice, some kind of device to break up the homogeneity of a long-rear end monologue would have helped. E.g., if the format was an oral account rather than a written report, the narrator could respond/react to prompts beyond the page.
The most developed character is the lieutenant and she's a cardboard cutout. The rest of the crew are just names on a list.
On that note, considering the space it chews up, I was expecting the broken AI-conducted interview to tie into the story somehow. The AI thingy is one of several interesting bits and pieces that unfortunately don't form a coherent whole.

Sham bam bamina! - Forever
Took me a couple of reads, but I ended up liking this a lot. I wrote this in the chat as well, but your story was relentless in a way. It pulls you into a fever dream that has its own set of rules, and itís engaging (and short) enough to get away with it.

Devorum - Thirty Million Credits
I have a hard time putting a finger on why I find this story hard to follow. Perhaps itís the exposition dumps that makes the story trip over itself. Maybe itís the plot oddities. I generally try not to think about plot holes/inconsistencies, butÖ
Using the Gravestone more than once results in horrible death for hundreds of people. Yet attempting a second pass sentences you only to a few years of asteroid-mining?
If itís just a fancy fortune-telling device (that doesnít do its job very well if we believe the narrator), why do people give a poo poo about it?
Why has Aetertech gone to such extents to publicly monetize the Gravestone if itís a huge liability? A hint into why the corps give a poo poo would be nice.
How and why did Kellen survive?
And I hate the word plasteel.

Yoruichi - Escape from the Bandersnortís Lair
I donít have much to say. You turned a phrase overloaded with ridiculous poo poo into a well-written and engaging story. Good.

Chairchucker - Itís Virtual Web 2.0 Or Something
I think the first half is strong. But then itís like you lost faith in your concept and just wanted to end things. I wish I could put this in a better way, but I felt like you never earned the right to ramp up the silliness the way you did.

Pham Nuwen - The Silence of the Lawns
When Iím in the forest I will sit for hours, just listening. So. This was good. I want to give you something useful, but I donít think I can. Deserves a better title.

SlipUp - Drowned Memories
ďWhat woe this foul fog that has clouded my mind, mystified my spirit, and choked my memory has brought me.Ē
Come on, man. Maybe youíre being cute, but it ainít working. Thereís a real story buried beneath the pathetic language. Mow the flowers, turn the soil.
Iíll end this crit with another quote from your story: ďThis was not right. Something was wrong.Ē

Staggy - The Tale of Horick the Elf
This Lytton phrase makes me laugh out loud every time I read it.
I liked your story, but I donít want to read it again. I enjoy fables, but this one isnít strong enough to stand on its own the way itís presented.
I had no idea it was supposed to be an oral recounting until the very end. Perhaps you couldíve actually used that as a storytelling device.

Lippingcott - Checkers
A few of the similes overreach clumsily, taking me out of the story. Some of the sentences are too long, too flourishy. Details are repeated needlessly. I.e., this is how you describe the ceiling light: ďbuzzing out of frequency with the rest of the accompanimentĒ, ďunsynchronized background noiseĒ (these two are in the same paragraph), ďdysfunctional ballastís humĒ. Thatís a lot of words in a short time describing essentially the same thing, despite whatever meaning itís loaded with.
I liked it though.

theblunderbuss - The Relic
A lot of building up to a boring battle. But fine otherwise.

WM Haversham - A Picnic with Daedalus
This felt like a third of a story. Itís only marked as a finished work by the twist at the end, which wasnít particularly poignant or fun.

apophenium - You Can Lead a Bird to Water...
It irritates me that we learn Earlís name first at the end, like thereís some significance to this revelation. But there isnít. A nice story, but not compelling.
Also, what those scientists are doing is very unprofessional and I canít condone it.

Thranguy - Transparency
I want to like this, but I don't. It starts out fine; it has some of that creative non-verbal communication that I think is right at home in a story about telepathy. But then this amazing superpower becomes a vehicle for normal-boring dialogue rather than powerful imagery. Why? In general the structure is too by-the-numbers, too linear, for something as exciting as telepathy.
Thereís hardly any tension being built-up before the shot. And then the end just sort of happens - in a very dragged-out way.
I would have liked to read the dialogue between Stella and the protag, rather than him just summing it up for me at the end.
Final note - the narrator has zero personality. Perhaps that's the point, like itís a survival mechanism, but give me something. Anything.

Bad Seafood - Heavenly Bodies
A bit messy and perhaps too stingy with the details, but fun as poo poo.
Simple and evocative language, delving into fancy phrasing selectively and to great effect.
This story would translate nicely into a stage play, I think.

Bolt Lux - Put Your Heart into It
Colorful. You managed to make your Lytton phrase not feel out of place at all. Some superfluous phrasing and an off-sounding word here and there that another pass couldíve fixed. Strong imagery saves the text.
The "smarter but only supporting/supportive" female partner character has been done to death. Itís boring even as a satire.

EDIT: I think I covered every entry. If I missed anyone and they want some a-this, lemme know.

Oh yeah, my picks:

Winner: Sham bam bamina! - Forever
HM: Bad Seafood - Heavenly Bodies
DM: Rad-daddio - Bot Builder
Loser: SlipUp - Drowned Memories

anatomi fucked around with this message at 14:58 on Feb 5, 2019

Punkreas
May 13, 2013

*chews on head*


Lipstick Apathy

In for this fun prompt.

Edit: also, thank you for the crit, anatomi!

SlipUp
Sep 30, 2006


anatomi posted:

Loser: SlipUp - Drowned Memories

Brawl.

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

If anatomi accepts Iíll judge

anatomi
Jan 31, 2015

A quick little mouse!


Bring it, you limp-necked milk drinker. When we're done a brawlin', you'll be a bawlin'.

ThirdEmperor
Aug 7, 2013

BEHOLD MY GLORY

AND THEN

BRAWL ME


SlipTomi, here be your dread prompt

Write a moment of beauty in the post-apocalypse in 2000 words or less.
but
It has to be the same apocalypse in both stories. Meet and work it out.
Yer poo poo's due on, lessay, Feb 15th 11:59 PM CST

anatomi
Jan 31, 2015

A quick little mouse!


Clever bastard.

Mr. Steak
May 8, 2013

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS


I also :toxx: to write my outstanding week 338 and 339 stories before this weekís sub deadline. Cuz I hate leaving stuff undone. Also I had good ideas for them and I donít want those to go to waste.

QM Haversham
Nov 12, 2018

Postmodern Furniture Enjoyment Society: Where slow is the revolution and apathy is the fuel.


I'm in. And since I didn't even finish a story to submit last week, I'm toxxing myself. :toxx:

And thanks to the people who have given crits. It's equally appreciated and infuriating, you loathsome reprobates.

SlipUp
Sep 30, 2006


anatomi posted:

Bring it, you limp-necked milk drinker. When we're done a brawlin', you'll be a bawlin'.

Cut the flowers and turn the soil indeed, looks like I have a body to bury.

Sorry Fleshy, you get the next one.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



selaphiel posted:

:imunfunny: (I reckoned that was one of the few ways a wolf would be able to imply it was Christmas. Oh well.)

In for the next promt.



yeeeeah my bad

well

Antivehicular
Dec 30, 2011

I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving
And something has got to give



Prompts will be coming as quickly as I can get the images together. Which may be slowly. Sorry.

Also, some of you will get get details from the same scene, because there are only 18 Nutshells and fewer of them have readily-available Internet photography. If this bothers you, just think of it as an extremely tiny brawl, and write that way. If I accidentally give you the exact same image as someone else, though, feel free to let me know and I'll replace it.

Sham bam bamina! posted:

Kickass prompt. In.












cptn_dr posted:

Also, In for the week.

Salgal80
Jan 28, 2019


In for the first time! Bring it.

Antivehicular
Dec 30, 2011

I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving
And something has got to give



Bad Seafood posted:

In.

Hit me, dollface.



Baneling Butts posted:

A new challenger appears!

I'm in.



selaphiel posted:

In for the next promt.



Chili posted:

Very cool prompt. In.



Simply Simon posted:

I'm in for this week. Give me a nice picture to mull about on a plane ride!



Applewhite posted:

I'm in. No dead children pls.

Antivehicular
Dec 30, 2011

I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving
And something has got to give












Bolt Lux posted:

In for this fun prompt.



QM Haversham posted:

I'm in. And since I didn't even finish a story to submit last week, I'm toxxing myself. :toxx:



Salgal80 posted:

In for the first time! Bring it.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







Yeah I'm judge

derp
Jan 21, 2010

when i get up all i want to do is go to bed again



Lipstick Apathy

My deepest apologies for my pathetic failure. Maybe I'll return someday, but if td can't inspire me to write I don't know what will. Good luck, and God speed

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







derp posted:

My deepest apologies for my pathetic failure. Maybe I'll return someday, but if td can't inspire me to write I don't know what will. Good luck, and God speed

Don't flagellate, take your time and come back when the time is right.

  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5