Register a SA Forums Account here!
JOINING THE SA FORUMS WILL REMOVE THIS BIG AD, THE ANNOYING UNDERLINED ADS, AND STUPID INTERSTITIAL ADS!!!

You can: log in, read the tech support FAQ, or request your lost password. This dumb message (and those ads) will appear on every screen until you register! Get rid of this crap by registering your own SA Forums Account and joining roughly 150,000 Goons, for the one-time price of $9.95! We charge money because it costs us money per month for bills, and since we don't believe in showing ads to our users, we try to make the money back through forum registrations.
 
  • Post
  • Reply
flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




in :toxx:

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Crain
Jun 27, 2007

I had a beer once with Stephen Miller and now I like him.

In.

Armack
Jan 27, 2006


In.

Adam Vegas
Apr 14, 2013





In.

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003
Probation
Can't post for 44 minutes!


in

Crain
Jun 27, 2007

I had a beer once with Stephen Miller and now I like him.

Crits for Week CCCLIX: Who we are to one another

Trophy by Derp

This feels like an epilogue to a longer story, but you manage to set up some world building and Berengerís character pretty well. Having the CEO fire an employee for his own stress relief, and establishing that this is a regular thing, feels somewhat hackneyed. It does the job in the same way having a villain kick a dog in the opening scene of a movie. You did a lot of solid establishment with 1000 words to show how Power is the only thing that your main character cares about and what he does with it. It does feel cheap though. Having his main act be killing the last elephant on earth, and having it be pregnant, and having it be live streamed to the impotent masses who he knows canít do anything to stop him felt like emotional overkill.

She and You by Djeser

I liked the format, but it wasnít super clear to me at first so I had to reread the first part a couple times. It also wasnít clear that this was a Jungle Book situation, which lead to another read through. Overall I liked it once I got it. I donít think the pacing of young to child to baby to grow to old works for clarity. It would have been easier to follow going straight through without anything lost.

The Student and The Grandmother by Anomalous Amalgam

The opener is really muddled with made up tech jargon. It was really distracting trying to figure out what was being described by your terms and I donít think you really have the word count needed to establish this kind of writing with this prompt. The opener could have been condensed down by quite a lot since it ultimately just establishes they are stranded in space and need to survive on an alien planet till help arrives. The overall story may be good, but itís clouded with far too much hand waved, ambiguous techno babble to really enjoy. The grandmotherís sacrifice would have held more weight if I had any clue what she had actually done.

Consanguineous by Tyrannosaurus

I like the story you ended up getting to. Grandmaís jokes about being a werewolf/having wolf family turns out to be real is a lot more interesting than dinner scenes and work troubles. They served a purpose but you spent too much time on them for my taste. This story is 1200 words of boring with 200 words of payoff that I donít think fully balance the scales.

Exuviae by Barnaby Profane

I donít feel like anything happened. There is a lot of potential for where this setting can, itís a good establishing shot for something, but that something isnít here. Jothana goes to this hospital after transitioning and suffering from something, two scenes where she meets a friend, and then they sneak out for snacks. For me this piece just leaves me with a lot of questions and not in a satisfying way. Itís a very pretty vignette though.

I also have a general crit for Anomalous Amalgam and Tyrannosaurus: Long strings of dialogue.

I know I had/have this issue and Iíve tried to actively avoid it but these stories seem far too short to be filled up with long strings of dialogue between characters with little development given to them. That isnít to say you didnít develop your characters, just that the amount of page space you have available to give them character means they can only have so much depth. It can be easy and fun to write straight dialogue but most of the time the essence of what is conveyed can be condensed down into a short paragraph or a couple of sentences.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







crimea posted:

Wow, great week everyone. I assume it was great, I haven't actually read any of the stories. But unfortunately there has been an injustice done - and to me, of all people. Not only do I get paired with some foolish lout who's only won once, they don't even show up, meaning that there is but an empty thrill of victory.

I do not enter the dome to play in the gutters. I'm basically one of the best writers in this thread, and frankly perhaps on this entire planet. Neil Gaiman doesn't have poo poo on me. I should be up against a real opponent, like Sitting_Here, and that's why I demand a Brawl. :toxx:

:toxx: tab is coming due on this one

Asteroid Alert
Oct 24, 2012





In.

derp
Jan 21, 2010

when i get up all i want to do is go to bed again



Lipstick Apathy

I've had an epiphany about my writing, and why people don't tend to like or 'get' it. I feel like I've been reborn. I have a feeling my next story will be much more enjoyable. I'm in.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







derp posted:

I've had an epiphany about my writing, and why people don't tend to like or 'get' it. I feel like I've been reborn. I have a feeling my next story will be much more enjoyable. I'm in.

was the epiphany: write better words

derp
Jan 21, 2010

when i get up all i want to do is go to bed again



Lipstick Apathy

sebmojo posted:

was the epiphany: write better words

I've discovered 'the secret' and in about eight month's you won't hear from me anymore, because I'll be sitting at a table in Barns and Noble signing paperbacks and answering the question 'where do you get your ideas?' over and over (from God)

Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

Yes, the good words are gone.

Why are the good words gone?!




Anomalous Amalgam posted:

In, I'll take a flash rule if they're being offered.

I'm judgin'.

Flash: No lines of dialog longer than 10 words.

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003
Probation
Can't post for 44 minutes!


derp posted:

I've discovered 'the secret' and in about eight month's you won't hear from me anymore, because I'll be sitting at a table in Barns and Noble signing paperbacks and answering the question 'where do you get your ideas?' over and over (from God)

fight me u self-assured PERSON

I brawl u so hard

in the eye


And it's BARNES AND NOBLE ugh I'm so offend

derp
Jan 21, 2010

when i get up all i want to do is go to bed again



Lipstick Apathy

Fleta Mcgurn posted:

fight me u self-assured PERSON

I brawl u so hard

in the eye


And it's BARNES AND NOBLE ugh I'm so offend

Okay. I already wrote my story for this week using my new skills. In fact I wrote it yesterday, because I am so potent with these new abilities that words are spilling out of me as if someone tore up a dictionary into small bits and filled a cup with the bits then knocked it over accidentally. I am already a winner by default but you are welcome to also write a story and put it next to mine, just for fun.

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003
Probation
Can't post for 44 minutes!


derp posted:

Okay. I already wrote my story for this week using my new skills. In fact I wrote it yesterday, because I am so potent with these new abilities that words are spilling out of me as if someone tore up a dictionary into small bits and filled a cup with the bits then knocked it over accidentally. I am already a winner by default but you are welcome to also write a story and put it next to mine, just for fun.

Were the dictionary entries for "chump" and "inferior guy" and "bigger chump" because yeah.

Am I not doing brawl challenges right

derp
Jan 21, 2010

when i get up all i want to do is go to bed again



Lipstick Apathy

I think we need to :toxx:

Otherwise, you have done great. Believe in yourself.

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003
Probation
Can't post for 44 minutes!


I believe in us both, I'll toxx if you toxx.

derp
Jan 21, 2010

when i get up all i want to do is go to bed again



Lipstick Apathy

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

Hello madam/sir

I hereby :toxx: that I will enter into a 'brawl' (story writing contest) with forums member Fleta Mcgurn (hereafter referred to as the opponent)

I solemnly swear that a story meeting the requirements to be set by a judge or judges will be met, to be posted by the deadline imposed by same judge.

If the opponent fails to post I preemptively claim the right to call myself the winner, despite perceived quality of my own entry.

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003
Probation
Can't post for 44 minutes!


I agree with this. Also, I get to fart on derp's pillow if he or she fails to submit

Someone judge this majesty.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Fleta Mcgurn posted:

I agree with this. Also, I get to fart on derp's pillow if he or she fails to submit

Someone judge this majesty.


derp posted:

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

Hello madam/sir

I hereby :toxx: that I will enter into a 'brawl' (story writing contest) with forums member Fleta Mcgurn (hereafter referred to as the opponent)

I solemnly swear that a story meeting the requirements to be set by a judge or judges will be met, to be posted by the deadline imposed by same judge.

If the opponent fails to post I preemptively claim the right to call myself the winner, despite perceived quality of my own entry.

Greetings. A judge am I. I find this contest to be frivolous and without merit. Why are you two fighting? Why canít you be friends?

Write me a story about two people who just canít get along. They should! They probably need to! If they got along, the conflict(s) that they both need to deal with would certainly be easier to handle!

BUT THEY CANíT! GOD WHY CANíT THEY?

Take up to 2,000 words if you need them. Get this story posted by July 4th, Noon EDT.

Optional Flash Songs for inspiration upon request. If you ask for that, you get three, and pick one.


Fleta's Flash: The Moon Is Disgusting
derp's Flash: Exogenesis

Chili fucked around with this message at 17:24 on Jun 26, 2019

derp
Jan 21, 2010

when i get up all i want to do is go to bed again



Lipstick Apathy

I will take a flash. Do your worst. Nothing can stop me.

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003
Probation
Can't post for 44 minutes!


I'll take a flash, too.

We're not fighting, we're a family :unsmith:

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Groovy. Since you both jumped in all nice and quick, I'm gonna give you a total of 6 in one post. Claim the one you want, first come first served:

Hip Hop Pick: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JZom_gVfuw
Indie Pick: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JscAwVu2QI
Symphonic Pick: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6gDv-jaUUGw
Folk Pick: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7M8m4LyFSkE
Jamming Pick: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yS2IBMQIjDo
WTF Is This poo poo Chili? Pick: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wGMsOhaPJs

Cop your inspiration from your pick in any way you see fit. It can also be based more on the music video than the song itself (if there is one), I don't care. I'm very very lenient with flashes and the like, so just give me some kind of idea that you used your pick.

Chili fucked around with this message at 17:24 on Jun 26, 2019

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003
Probation
Can't post for 44 minutes!


Wtf please

derp
Jan 21, 2010

when i get up all i want to do is go to bed again



Lipstick Apathy

I will do the symphonic one with the flying brains in space. What a powerful metaphor for the fragility of the human body in the cold deeps of the void. How can humanity ever move beyond the womb of earth? How can consciousness grow to meet the demands of an interstellar species? These and other meaningful and deep questions will be answered in my winning entry.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Well done, the two of you. Now, get out of here and don't come back until you've got them words.

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003
Probation
Can't post for 44 minutes!


butt

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




sebmojo posted:

:siren:crimea river of sitting tears brawl:siren:

hell yeah let's do this, call it two weeks from now (20 June 2359 pst) and 1450 words on CLEANING UP AFTER THE WAR

hello crimea said he's giving up but im not letting sh get another consolation prize for putting in the bare minimum of effort the lazy millenial so im gonna take his place and :toxx: that tomorrow midnight PST ill have a piece in for this brawl

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







flerp posted:

hello crimea said he's giving up but im not letting sh get another consolation prize for putting in the bare minimum of effort the lazy millenial so im gonna take his place and :toxx: that tomorrow midnight PST ill have a piece in for this brawl

:hai:

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME






flerp posted:

hello crimea said he's giving up but im not letting sh get another consolation prize for putting in the bare minimum of effort the lazy millenial so im gonna take his place and :toxx: that tomorrow midnight PST ill have a piece in for this brawl

:swoon: :black101: :swoon:

Antivehicular
Dec 30, 2011

I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving
And something has got to give



In.

Vinny Possum
Sep 21, 2015

THUNDERDOME LOSER


In with :toxx: for Week 360

I need to get rid of this goddamn avatar someday

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




sh brawl

1113 words

Ghosts

flerp fucked around with this message at 01:49 on Oct 11, 2019

Siddhartha Glutamate
Oct 3, 2005


I've been thinking about getting back in, but my last attempts ended mostly in me failing to post any words.

So I'm in with a :toxx:

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006


I'm in

Viscardus
Jun 1, 2011

Thus equipped by fortune, physique, and character, he was naturally indomitable, and subordinate to no one in the world.


All right, I'm in.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again



Two hours left to jump in, and a handy-dandy reminder that subs likewise close on Sunday at 11 PM :siren:not midnight,:frogsiren: Pacific

Yoruichi
Sep 21, 2017


Horse Facts

True and Interesting Facts about Horse




yeah go on then, in

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again



Write em up, folks! Sign ups closed.

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

derp
Jan 21, 2010

when i get up all i want to do is go to bed again



Lipstick Apathy

derp posted:

I will do the symphonic one with the flying brains in space. What a powerful metaphor for the fragility of the human body in the cold deeps of the void. How can humanity ever move beyond the womb of earth? How can consciousness grow to meet the demands of an interstellar species? These and other meaningful and deep questions will be answered in my winning entry.

I have done it. I've finally been able to write the ideas that have been trapped inside me so long. I only hesitate to post them yet, so as not to discourage my opponent.

Now, who's next?

  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
  • Post
  • Reply