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apophenium
Apr 13, 2009


Also in for Lytton redux. Give me a good bad sentence, AV!

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anatomi
Jan 31, 2015


I'm in. I choose this tragedy:
A tear rolled down her face like a tractor. “David,” she said tearfully, “I don’t want to be a farmer no more.”

Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

Yes, the good words are gone.

Why are the good words gone?!




in, I'll take a sentence.

Antivehicular
Dec 30, 2011

I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving
And something has got to give



Pham Nuwen posted:

In, and gimme a sentence please

"Her wit was sharp like a lawnmower blade—​it could cut you down to size (which she could adjust, like a lawnmower)."

apophenium posted:

Also in for Lytton redux. Give me a good bad sentence, AV!

"'It looks like this continent is out of water,' I said in Antarctica, as a rookery of penguins waddled thirstily by."

Thranguy posted:

in, I'll take a sentence.

"'Murder is the most terrible crime of them all,' the police commissioner thought to himself as he loitered purposefully near the deli counter."

Antivehicular fucked around with this message at 22:41 on Jan 15, 2019

Lippincott
Jun 28, 2018

You weren't born to just pay bills and die.

You must suffer.

A lot.


In. Hit me with a sentence - they're all so wonderful I can't choose.

SlipUp
Sep 30, 2006


in

:toxx:

Hit me with one I can't decide.

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

Because I'll be busy with my brawl and arranging the trip back to Boston in the coming week, I'll co-judge instead of entering if you'd like me on board.

Punkreas
May 13, 2013

*chews on head*


Lipstick Apathy

In and would like a sentence!

QM Haversham
Nov 12, 2018

Postmodern Furniture Enjoyment Society: Where slow is the revolution and apathy is the fuel.


I'm In. Pick a sentence for me, please.

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


In.

Do your worst.

Mr. Steak
May 8, 2013

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS


Bad Seafood posted:

In.

Do your worst.

I’ll have what he’s having.

Punkreas
May 13, 2013

*chews on head*


Lipstick Apathy

Thunderdome Week 336 Crits (Part One)

(Please feel free to crit my crits since I'm still learning the ropes. Too negative? Too positive? Not enough specifics? Too many subjective suggestions? Let me know!)

(Rephrased in the spirit of Thunderdome: Don't ruin your keyboards with your garbage-juice baby tears over this.)

-----

Dolash - “The Lion’s Den”

This keeps its action, and pacing, well and is a neat little story of monster slaying and spirit blessings. My mind was asking questions throughout, especially with regards to the buck/doe at the beginning. Did his not shooting the two actually matter? (Does it have any effect on the antlion fight outcome? Would the spirit still save the horse as a favor for killing the antlion?) Did Peter not shoot because he has conflicts about killing animals when not in self-defense? Because the buck showed human-like self-sacrifice and intelligence, knowing what Peter was about to do to the buck?

Tying in motivation and consequence more thoroughly would make this good read better. 6/10


Yoruichi - “Necessary Evil”

A really good story about learning the titular lesson. The twist from gaining the reader’s sympathy for the stoats to making them repulsive and vicious, if not outright alien, is great. (In a good way, it made me think of Gremlins.) My biggest complaint was being disoriented during the first two sentences, as I couldn’t tell if Bram was waking up to someone walking into the house, if he was going inside or outside, and where the skulls were located (I pictured them on walls initially, not outside wherever they were kept - the porch, the ground).

Honestly, though, a minor complaint as I enjoyed this. 7/10


HopperUK - “Salamander”

Oooh, I like this story! The characters are ones you want to know more about - they have plenty enough detail as is, but there are hints of greater facets that a longer format would bring out. (That rich rear end in a top hat had to have some nasty grudge against the mother, and I’d keep reading to find out!) I also really enjoyed the salamanders themselves being aspects of the flames, they themselves bringing fire along with their poison; good use of your prompt.

If I had to search for a gripe, it would be that “woman burned as a witch” is a little tired, but you’ve worked it just fine so it’s barely a gripe at all. 8/10


Simply Simon - “A Nugget of Truth in Every Mouse”

This story was hard to read. The sentence structure is confusing to where I had to reread several to understand it and for a relatively simple story the order of events are convoluted as hell. Did the dying man start the protagonist’s suspicions of his father? Was he suspicious before, and the dying man confirmed them? Why was there training going on before the protagonist offered to join his father, or why was the father surprised at the request if he was training? Details of your prompt were simply regurgitated as facts rather than worked in with any skill or subtlety.

The premise of the story isn’t a bad one, but some heavy work is needed as, again, this gets close to unreadable. 3/10


Auraboks - “Peaceful Cohabitation”

I enjoy ridiculous stories, so one where a manticore is a terrible roommate got me excited as I began reading this. Except… nothing really happens. Barry is a messy jerk, the unnamed protagonist whines a bunch, then Barry kills him for no solid reason. (Why was Barry motivated to kill right then and there?) You could replace Barry with nearly any monster (or sociopath) and the story would remain virtually unchanged.

Even my relatively tame experiences having roommates leave me with better stories to tell than this. Give me some unique manticore moments for normal day-to-day interactions! 4/10


Benny Profane - “The Onocentaur’s Revenge”

The idea of random encounters living in their own pocket dimension complaining about their jobs and fates is neat, though the onocentaur character here really needs more, well, character. The dichotomous nature of the onocentaur is barely used at all - he’s sad, now he’s angry!! But that could be any character reacting to his situation. Were he a goblin, a kobold, a dire beaver, how much of the story would need to be rewritten? (Hint: not very much.)

The ending was fun, and I would have loved to see more leading up to the D100 rolling up a dragon for the onocentaur, particularly the onocentaur playing a larger roll (ha!) in creating that consequence for the haughty adventurers. 5/10

-----

Edits: re-posted after the some accidental mod edits. :P

Punkreas fucked around with this message at 00:53 on Jan 16, 2019

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk





I just lost 15 crits in a freak google spreadsheet accident so I'm real mad right now and it seems right to work that out in a ragecrit of your terrible, terrible story. if it is still unclear to you DO NOT REPLY TO THIS CRIT even if you are sure it's ever so wrong, just take that knowledge and hide it down deep inside like a fistula

SlipUp posted:

Man’s Law, God’s Law, and Fishy Law <=what do fish have to do with any of this, I don't care much about meeting prompts but this is p egregious
Prompt: Echeneis
1000 words


The room was dilapidated, mildew stains running down the walls mixing with the green paint to form a sickly vomit hue. This was reflected in the smell, how do you reflect a smell overplayed what with a heavy lingering not sure what the word lingering is doing here staleness. I had on a black hoodie, ripped jeans, and my lucky looney tunes boxers lolrandom but this is actually ok description. My attorney, Edgar Trout looked decidedly out of place with his three piece suit and full Windsor knot no less, and a glorious feathered haircut. the tone is all over the place here - is this a jolly romp or it a serious crime drama sort of thing? in the first para it is vital to set expectations and either meet them or deliberately break them in the rest of the story We were being eye hosed relentlessly this is a horrific phrase - eye-hosed requires eyes, the 'hosed' leaps out at the reader without in any way justifying itself, adverbs in general should be cut (and replaced if essential, whcih this isn't) by the one way mirror, placed to the side as if a 142”x72” a: why does he know how long it is b: why does he tell us c: why should we care THIS IS THE FIRST PARAGRAPH YOUR WORDS ARE GOLD DUST USE THEM ACCORDINGLY mirror encompassing nearly the entire wall could be inconspicuous. The thing is, in the moment, sometimes, it is. so it's an exactly huge mirror which is conspicuous but it isn't for some reason and it's never brought up again oh god I hate this paragraph so much After a lengthy but strangely comfortable silence as if we were in the eye of some strange storm I really hate the construction 'some x y', it's a grating cliché just keeping you posted on my preferences don't mention it, Ed broke the silence. they are silent when they start because everyone is silent before they start speaking that's how you can tell they aren't speaking because they're silent

you only need one line between paras


“You’ve certainly adverb check: fail come a long way since law school. Most likely to succeed in kappa sigma 2010.” you can always, and should always, put dialogue tags in - it's way more invisible than you think.

“Well, technically adverb check: fail it never said I had to succeed at law.” this is an ok little exchange, but I still have no idea why they're there so I'll have to back track and reread it once I find out, which will make me mad, just fyi

you only need one line between paras

“There’s my roommate. Going after Goerman? Brave.”

finish a para, hit return, hit it again! done!

“Dumb.” I've read this a couple of times and I get roughly what you're doing, but since you never ever tell us why going after goerman is a difficult or dangerous thing to do it falls flat as a pancake, not to mention it's goerman who's going after the protag despite the nonsensical nda plot device so idek wtf

one line: all u need

The two cops entered one after another. One sat down in the chair opposite myself, while the other stood directly behind his partner, giving the impression of a two headed monster, or perhaps a hideously conjoined twin. The shorter head spoke first. this is a decent para

yonolbp

“I’m Detective Rosen, and this is Detective Stone. So are you ready to tell us about what happened to David Goerman?”

you only need one line between paras (etc, assume I'm repeating it at each redundant carriage return if you would)

“Actually my client isn’t at liberty to divulge that information” answered Ed. Detective Stone responded. put different characters in different paras, in dialogue



“Are you aware it is a crime to not cooperate with a police investigation? Or to lie to police investigators?” Detective Rosen waved his hand dismissively adverb check: pass which instantly adverb check: fail gave his partner’s face a surely don't call me shirley tone. a surly tone is something you'd hear in a voice, not see in a face



“I’m sure they have no intention of that. Perhaps you could clarify for us.” this is bibble bobble, don't write like people talk (not that you are) write like people talk in good books



“Of course officer” said Ed “My client signed a non disclosure agreement with Mr. Goerman on the day of the 26th and therefore cannot discuss the events of that night with you.”



“Ah of course.” Answered dialogue is punctuated 'ah, of course," answered Detective Blah Also, avoid said bookisms - use 'said' unless there's a strong and good reason not to Detective Rosen as he reflexively adverb check: fail glanced at the mirror. “I was aware there were some legal discrepancies. However, the thing is that Mr. Goerman is alleging your client committed a crime. NDA’s, as you no doubt are aware, cannot be used to conceal a crime.”

“Well, forcing my client to answer is no doubt a crime in and of itself. Since my client signed the NDA at Goerman’s request, and now is being forced to break it at Goerman’s request, is this not an example of civil entrapment? Surely, this is fraud on Goerman’s behalf.” I'm a literal lawyer and even i find this petifoggery beyond tedious Stone found cause a: new guy, new para, b: wtf does this even mean at this.



“Your scumbag client poisoned him to snare him with that NDA! He should be going down for false imprisonment, reckless endangerment, and impersonating a priest!” these are not very good or (more importantly) very convincing cops



“Surely the fact Goerman was intoxicated and mistook my client for a priest doesn’t necessitate that my client was impersonating one, or that he is responsible for the hallucinogens Goerman apparently felt comfortable enough indulging in, in a place of worship no less.” you're trying to be clever and dripfeed your plot but your hamfisted technique is getting in the way, which would be more annoying if I thought it was in any way clever or intriguing



“Ah” Rosen interjected at this point, “He attests you were ahead of him in line for communion, and that you placed several drops of LSD into the communion chalice after you partook.” LSD takes like 40 minutes to come on



Edgar Trout smiled. “Ah, this should be a simple matter to clear up. Rather than this war of accusations, let’s consult the priest on what he witnessed.”



“He wasn’t forthcoming. Apparently a confession was made and that he claimed has been atoned for under god’s law.”



Ed’s smile remained. “How unfortunate.”



“Well your client was seen entering the confession booth before service ended.” Said ended," said Stone stoically. “That seems to line up. Nervous in church?” He finished said as he stared holes into me.



“Just because my client had a confession to make doesn’t make him guilty.” but it exactly does if you're talking legal confession which is just needlessly confusing but that's basically this whole story so points for staying on brand



“Evidently. However many parishioners claim to have seen Goerman acting strangely during the service and then entering and leaving the confession booth later, before the priest. Did your client not hold a duty to inform him he was not actually a priest?” Asked the sitting man. USE THEIR loving NAMES JESUS CHRIST THIS IS CONFUSING ENOUGH



Ed clicked his tongue and leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms. To the uninitiated, THIS IS A BAD WORD CHOICE THEY ARE NOT MASONS he was calm, cool, confident, and about to deliver the coup-de grace. To those who intimately EYEBROWWIGGLE.GIF knew him, he was screaming on the inside. This was my fault. This was my plan oh for gods sake he's got a plan i hope it makes sense and isn't dumb and I knew it would be folly for me to play this game of chess myself when it came time to play. but he does play Trout's defence was masterful, like a tall bamboo stem bending in the breeze. Its weakness was it’s IT'S IS ONLY EVER SHORT FOR IT IS YOUR BUFFOON root; me. As always in my life, it was about the good I should have done. what They had me dead to rights on that one. what They underestimate underestimated me, however. This is the good I should be doing. WHAT The courts could never accomplish what humiliation could do sometimes. WHAT If the humiliation is one’s own actions made public, did I really do any wrong revealing them? WHAAAAT Well, I did dose him with LSD. WHAT THE gently caress ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT Maybe the truth will set me free. MAYBE IT WILL



“The truth is.” I said IS," I SAID , entering the game for the first time, opening myself up to a checkmate at any moment. With sudden death in effect, the mirror listened closely. “I’m profoundly ignorant. I didn’t know what I was supposed to be doing. I’m not catholic but I know confessing is the right thing to do. When David entered the booth, I sympathized with him immediately. I listened to his story, and then told him mine. It was only after he became agitated I suggested the NDA THIS IS NONSENSE. We could scrap it if he prefers. We’re really very much alike, him and I, after all.” WHO DID WHAT AND WHY AND SWEET JESUS WHY ARE YOU TELLING US THIS STORY (don't answer that, it's your story's job and it failed)



Ed clicked his tongue missing comma relieved, and a bang was heard unnecessary passive construction on the window. Checkmate. I was free and in possession of his secrets. Goerman would live his life wondering if and when the proverbial sword of Damocles would fall on him. I wouldn’t do it, but maybe it will inspire him to seek forgiveness from his fellow man. WTFFFFFF

Right, so not a huge fan of this story. The key issue is that the glaring minor faults completely obscure the even more glaring major faults of the story so unpicking what is supposed to have happened is like knitting cock socks underwater, a really unnecessarily difficult way of doing something that's probably not worth doing in the first place.

You submitted, though which is the first step to submitting something that doesn't lose! Good job!

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


if it's google docs can you just look at the revision history and get it back?

Sham bam bamina!
Nov 6, 2012

ƨtupid cat


Gimme a stinker.

Antivehicular
Dec 30, 2011

I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving
And something has got to give



Lippincott posted:

In. Hit me with a sentence - they're all so wonderful I can't choose.

"'Crime,' declared the police captain, 'is everywhere, crime, crime!'"

SlipUp posted:

in

:toxx:

Hit me with one I can't decide.

"Before I got hit by that ole bus, I never used to think much, but now I think PLENTY."

Bolt Crank posted:

In and would like a sentence!

"His dark heart pulsated with raw evil, as he pumped it, furiously."

QM Haversham posted:

I'm In. Pick a sentence for me, please.

"For centuries, man had watched the clouds; now, they were watching him."

Bad Seafood posted:

In.

Do your worst.

"The cosmonauts were transfixed with wonderment as the sun set — over the Earth — there lucklessly, untethered Comrade Todd on fire."

onsetOutsider posted:

I'll have what he's having.

"Anthony’s eyes bulged as we all watched, with languid, infinite slowness, his skull float across the cockpit."

Sham bam bamina! posted:

Gimme a stinker.

"Leon fell out of the goat."

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk





crabrock posted:

if it's google docs can you just look at the revision history and get it back?

I should be able to, but: Satan.

:toxx: to crit all stories last week by 24 jan 2359 pst - speak up if you want a line by line

curlingiron
Dec 15, 2006

Come fight terrifying creatures in the THUNDERDOME!


sebmojo posted:

I should be able to, but: Satan.

:toxx: to crit all stories last week by 24 jan 2359 pst - speak up if you want a line by line

Yeah, I’ll take one. Thanks, Seb!

Dolash
Oct 23, 2008

aNYWAY,
tHAT'S REALLY ALL THERE IS,
tO REPORT ON THE SUBJECT,
oF ME GETTING HURT,




I'm in, and I'm going to take the unfairly-maligned opening line, "Under Bob’s fez was another."

apophenium
Apr 13, 2009


apophenium posted:

Oh yeah forgot the :toxx:


Me and the rat wanna fight. Someone judge it.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk





curlingiron posted:

Gestalt
623 words


There are only One of Us, and We are in Hell. I know why you did it and it was almost worth the risk, but I don't like the capitals, they make it clunky to read and don't quite pay their way in terms of effect The Worm crawled inside Our mouths and made Us One, a shambling Beast with six billion voices and infinite pain. Heaven trembled with Our screaming. The Light looked down on Us in Our writhing and cut out Our tongues. We are the only ones who can hear Our cries now. course charted, epic cosmic stakes logged, ready for the ride.

We were once not Us; there was a time where We were blissfully alone together, each sharing only what We wished. We were selves, and therefore selfish, and We were not kind to Ourselves. We fueled not sure about this verb i think you could have found another one progress with one another’s corpses, stole and cheated and murdered without a thought. We were a great and terrible beauty, exquisitely autocannibalistic. this word either needs more space around it or you need a different word - also you're reaching for grimy and disgusting but your language isn't supporting it, it's too abstract - you would have done better with incongruously grimy and visceral words

We once traveled through the infinite blackness of the Night sky, spreading Our filthy hands wide, grinding Our sin into the immaculate face of the Cosmos. We thought everything We saw belonged to Us. We donned Our Scaly Hide and scraped Our Teeth against the whetting blade, that We might tear into the flesh of Heaven. yeah, see that's better

Then GOD made Us One.

We did not recognize GOD when We saw them. They were yet another people We did not understand, and We made no attempt to do so. They spoke to Us in gentle voices and We laughed. Their hands were soft and warm, and We cut their palms as they tried to caress Our Scaly Hide. We smiled wide and sank Our Teeth into their throats.

We did not know what We were doing, but We knew enough to deserve Our punishment.

The people of GOD were a ripe Fruit, and We devoured them, flesh and stem and seed alike. We marveled at the spoils of Our conquest, and drank this sits weirdly with the eating talk, mixes the metaphor greedily of their knowledge. We were Snake and Man alike, burning the Garden around Us as We went. and this makes it explicitly Christian which it wasn't quite before, none of these are terrible but this kind of portentous bibble bobble (which I'm enjoying, tbf) needs as much precision as you can manage since you can't rest on human interaction

We did not know the Fruit We consumed held Our undoing. The Worm lived in the heart of the Fruit, and when We ate it we became We. see, this is the justification for the capitals and it doesn't cut it. I do like the fruit => worm thing though that's clever

We did not know what was happening to Us. Our Self reached back out across the Heavens, tracing Our wake through the blackness. The Worm reached through Our ancestral Being and stitched Us together, piece by piece. It was thorough and It was relentless, and It reached Us wherever We hid across the stars.

But Our minds were not made to be One. When the Worm connected Us, We crumpled where We stood. We held an Empire, but the Worm tore holes in Our Scaly Hide, and loosened Our Teeth. GOD reached through the Worm and struck Us down. the story here is p good and weird and vivid

We have returned to Our primordial home, not through retreat, but because the Heavens hmm, not sure about this - it's their enemies that did it saw their opportunity and crushed each Reaching Arm and Seeing Eye We had left throughout the cosmos. Those of Us who were beyond the arch of the sky were slaughtered with the same ruthlessness that We were once known for. Even the Orbiting Bodies that We had littered Our Outer Sphere with were crushed by those We had made Our enemies.

They did not bother to finish Us. We will never recover what We had. We have seen GOD and We have transgressed against Them. Our only solace is to lick Our wounds, and care for those of Us upon whose backs We once trod. We will put aside the tattered remnants of Our Scaly Hide, and place Our once-sharp Teeth where We will not forget what We have done. yeah, there's a nice arc here, though this doesn't quite mesh with the description of their current state as hell

Perhaps one day there will come Another, to cut open Our softened hands, and laugh and mock Our gentled voices. On that day, perhaps, GOD will take pity on Us as We bare Our throats to Our conquerors, another ripened Fruit to unleash the Worm. and you stick the landing, good job - nice turnaround. I liked this, and give you a B+ on managing the fucky hellrule - going all cosmic is acceptable but I'd have been interested to see what you'd have done with something more grounded. overall it's not quite precise enough to clamber out of the soggy middle, you need to nail every word if you're really going to pull this kind of thing off.

sebmojo fucked around with this message at 03:18 on Jan 16, 2019

Kaishai
Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.

Antivehicular posted:

Furthermore, I'll do crits for Week 336 stories for anyone who requests one. These may be later than the deadline above, because I have like 40 crits to write, holy hell, but I'll do my best to be timely.

I'll take you up on this, thank you.

steeltoedsneakers
Jul 26, 2016







apophenium posted:

Me and the rat wanna fight. Someone judge it.

What is going on today? Lotta fightin' words.

I didn't even notice this because of the rest of the challenges being chucked about - so that's what you're gonna write about.

I want interpersonal conflict at the heart of a raging hurricane. I want two people at loggerheads amidst a rolling tavern brawl.

But like, not literally unless that's what you want - it's more of a metaphor.

I want you to write about a conflict between two central characters that unfolds amidst - and for them, overshadows - a broader conflict/event/chaotic upheaval.

Give it to me fast and dirty, 800 words. 1 week 2 weeks from today (let's call it 4.30pm Wednesday, New Zealand Time) - or not if you cats have entered this week, I'm not going to check. I'll tsk and extend it to two weeks if you were foolhardy enough to throw down for a brawl as well as a dome entry.

Edit:

Antivehicular posted:

THUNDERDOME WEEK CCCXXXVII: A Dark and Stormy 2019

Entrants
1. Pham Nuwen
2. crabrock :toxx:
3. apophenium
4. anatomi
5. Thranguy
6. Lippincott
7. SlipUp :toxx:
8. Bolt Crank
9. QM Haversham
10. Bad Seafood
11. onsetOutsider
12. Sham bam bamina!

loving tsk

steeltoedsneakers fucked around with this message at 03:42 on Jan 16, 2019

DJ Dublell
Dec 13, 2008


Thanks for the crit, Yoruichi, that’s very helpful.

Antivehicular posted:

Okay, so, first things first: :toxx: to complete all my outstanding judge crits before submission deadline for week 337.

Furthermore, I'll do crits for Week 336 stories for anyone who requests one. These may be later than the deadline above, because I have like 40 crits to write, holy hell, but I'll do my best to be timely.
I’ll take you up on that offer. Thanks!

apophenium
Apr 13, 2009



Thanks! What can I say, I wanna write this week!

Devorum
Jul 30, 2005


In. Give me a sentence because I'm an indecisive rear end in a top hat.

Antivehicular
Dec 30, 2011

I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving
And something has got to give



Devorum posted:

In. Give me a sentence because I'm an indecisive rear end in a top hat.

"Braille haiku on the gravestone served to excite some while sighted visitors needed only touch the smoothly polished shapes."

SlipUp
Sep 30, 2006


WITNESS ME THUNDERDOME

I am the revolution, here to mark the end of the reign of tyrants. My cause is just. My honour is intact. As I stand before you today, let the losertar bear an omen of what is to come. I'm glad my efforts make you suffer so, for they shall be doubled and redoubled. I will enter every week until I am crowned emperor. I may lose, I may disqualify, but will you all be able to stem the tide? We shall see.

To quote Napoleon: "Quantity is a quality of it's own."

Come tyrants, we must water the tree.

SlipUp fucked around with this message at 06:18 on Jan 16, 2019

Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

The man was stunningly well dressed. He had a smart looking jacket, and a really neat looking cape, the lining of which was shimmering and sparkling in more than Oriental splendour, which is a great deal of splendour indeed, just ask Kipling.



Gimme a sentence so I can make it into a story please.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013


it's crow time again



hey sembojo where's that new losertar i made

Antivehicular
Dec 30, 2011

I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving
And something has got to give



Chairchucker posted:

Gimme a sentence so I can make it into a story please.

"Get ready to take a virtual tour of sydney australia through the backyards of a kangaroo who will punch you in the head fifty times!"

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

SlipUp posted:

WITNESS ME THUNDERDOME

I am the revolution, here to mark the end of the reign of tyrants. My cause is just. My honour is intact. As I stand before you today, let the losertar bear an omen of what is to come. I'm glad my efforts make you suffer so, for they shall be doubled and redoubled. I will enter every week until I am crowned emperor. I may lose, I may disqualify, but will you all be able to stem the tide? We shall see.

To quote Napoleon: "Quantity is a quality of it's own."

Come tyrants, we must water the tree.

Appreciate your enthusiasm, genuinely hope you stick around, but save this stuff for the IRC/Discord.

Staggy
Mar 20, 2008

Said little bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to
These expensive
These is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes



In, I'll take an opener please.

Yoruichi
Sep 21, 2017


Horse Facts

True and Interesting Facts about Horse




Hey Djeser where are your head judge crits from week 332?

Maugrim
Feb 16, 2011

I eat your face



SlipUp posted:

To quote Napoleon: "Quantity is a quality of it's own."

"It's" is only ever short for "it is".

When you master this, you will master Thunderdome.*

* you might have to master some other stuff too

ThirdEmperor
Aug 7, 2013

BEHOLD MY GLORY

AND THEN

BRAWL ME


SlipUp posted:

until I am crowned emperor.

'scuse me just cutting all the useless words off this post

cause it sounds like

what you're really getting at here

is you want to brawl me

:toxx:

Simply Simon
Nov 6, 2010

timeless Ned Flanders style


Yoruichi posted:

Some crits for week 336

A Nugget of Truth in Every Mouse by Simply Simon

This is not a bad effort, but I didn't really get drawn into the relationship between the father and the son, so I didn't feel much satisfaction at the ending. The son just seems like a bit of a dick, and the father needed more character, maybe to foreshadow that he was doing the right thing after all.

I found the poetic style you've written this in distracting. Are you a bard? Some turns of phrase were a bit Yoda-esque. Are you Bard-Yoda?

5/10
If I was a bard, then I'd be better at writing in a pleasing style, I'd hope. Thanks for the crit!

Bolt Crank posted:

Thunderdome Week 336 Crits (Part One)

(Please feel free to crit my crits since I'm still learning the ropes. Too negative? Too positive? Not enough specifics? Too many subjective suggestions? Let me know!)

(Rephrased in the spirit of Thunderdome: Don't ruin your keyboards with your garbage-juice baby tears over this.)

Simply Simon - “A Nugget of Truth in Every Mouse”

This story was hard to read. The sentence structure is confusing to where I had to reread several to understand it and for a relatively simple story the order of events are convoluted as hell. Did the dying man start the protagonist’s suspicions of his father? Was he suspicious before, and the dying man confirmed them? Why was there training going on before the protagonist offered to join his father, or why was the father surprised at the request if he was training? Details of your prompt were simply regurgitated as facts rather than worked in with any skill or subtlety.

The premise of the story isn’t a bad one, but some heavy work is needed as, again, this gets close to unreadable. 3/10
Thank you as well! I appreciate you going into details of what confused you, especially that you were disappointed in me just giving prompt details as facts. I need to get it hammered in my head that I'm not nearly as clever as I think I am, so the tone of your crit is fine imho.
I think I could easily work on the story and make it better using your crit, so it's a good one in my book!

Antivehicular posted:

Okay, so, first things first: :toxx: to complete all my outstanding judge crits before submission deadline for week 337.

Furthermore, I'll do crits for Week 336 stories for anyone who requests one. These may be later than the deadline above, because I have like 40 crits to write, holy hell, but I'll do my best to be timely.
I'd love one if you find the time :)

How does one get on the Thunderdome Discord, by the way?

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

https://discord.gg/MgCGn5

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk





Week 336 crits 1/3 (i'll start at the end next time, last minuters always get screwed on crits)

Dolash: the Lion’s Den

This is competent vaguely gritty sort of fantasy, but there’s a disconnect between the grimy social realist stag hunter and the monster interrupt and fantasy style resolution that grates enough that I’m not convinced by the emotional impact you want the poor stabbed horse friend to have. You’ve got a good touch with the choice of details and your action is clear enough, but next time find a better way to unite your story elements. Not terrible, though

Bolt crank: what’s spine is yours

This made me lol but unfortunately in the at not with way you really want to avoid when producing cultural artefacts for external consumption. First up, you made a bad choice in going for present tense - it has its places, but unless you know what you’re doing (you don’t) stick to third person past tense, at least for a bit. You’ll know when it’s time to try something different. More broadly, this has the air of a story told to a child with idk finger puppets or something and while that’s not intrinsically bad, it’s not actually charming enough to pull it off. Your protag is a deliberate dick, and him and his deadly rival do an end-of-casablanca walk off that’s really un-earned. Also: how do you stick jewels on hedgehog spines? And why does gruyere get the fancy lady when he’s clearly gay? And and, how the gently caress do you cover the entrance to a hedgehog burrow with spines? Mysteries I’m perfectly happy consigning to the dustbin of history as I’m sure you’ll write far better stories that mean we can move on from this one and never speak of it again.

Yoruichi: Necessary Evil
So yeah, some p good little kid sneaking out of his bed to do mischief action, not gonna lie, and all the details in this are strongly and well delineated so nice work on that front but please allow me to ask you: wtf. WTF is with the ear, and the stoat babies coming out from the ear, and the murder snog, and really just wtf. I sort of admire the weirdness but it sits very oddly with the clean-edged realism of the rest of the piece; I thought you were going to take the easy out of a dream and I’m glad you didn’t, but it’s a strange strong drink and while I’m all for the woo nature message you’re sort of purveying here, I’m not at all convinced by the weird rear end mode of travel you have elected.

HopperUk: Salamander

So this is very good in many ways, good words, clean language, the bit with the fire lizards was dope, but I have to say I was nodding and mentally sort of tapping my foot whilst I was reading because this is extremely well-trodden ground for 9/10 of its length, we have the town, we got the witch who’s extremely good and cool, we got the bad man, we got the betrayal, we have the attempted lynching and the ‘screw you guys i’m gonna curse ur asses’. This isn’t an intrinsically terrible thing but if you’re gonig to use these well-worn tropes you need to have something surprising or delightful in there as well - your words really are very strong and the salamanders are cool (ok yes hot) but you needed a little extra, either an interesting development, or a metaphorical layer that the salamanders could have represented or something, toss me a bone here.

Simply simon: a nugget of truth in every mouse
Ok so you’re yoda-ing it up pretty hardcore with the weird word order in teh sentences and I trust you have ESL reasons for that because if not you have a lot of unlearning to do, but fear not; some of the best writers in the dome have english as a second language. So fyi, write not your sentences as though the verb precedes and subject and object or wrathful will be they whom sit in judgment upon you, but that’s not the main issue with this story. The main issue with this story is that it’s 800 words of bibble bobble followed by a twist - he’s not actually after the gold at all, he’s a liverphile! This is great, but also terrible, because why do i care? I think you’d have been better advised to start with the revelation and taken us on from there, I’d be kind of interested in some low down dirty mouse trapping and disembowelling instead of 800 words of fretting about what dad’s doing at night.

Auraboks: Peaceful Cohabitation
So this is what I’d call a chairchuckeresque slab of words and it ploughs that furrow well and amusingly. I like the details of your low affect protag in his room with a manticore and can see any number of ways that it could work as a metaphor for a shut-in, but then you go and kill your low affect protag in a low affect ‘oh well bummer guess i’m poisoned to death’ way and I’m legit disappointed, come now auraboks you know better than to disappoint me

Benny Profane: The Onocentaurs Revenge
I don’t normally give a crap about prompt fulfilment but I guess I make an exception for deliberately fucky hellrules; this was a nasty one and you nailed it, though I confess I hoped you’d go the route of a character that expressed himself by the medium of platonic solids, but no, talking to nerd dice was a brilliant solution. I’m not sure you quite earned the hm though because that end is flatter than a dire pancake (1-3 appearing, 2+1 HD, AC10). If you’re going to do that then save some words for the detail of the smug party’s comeuppance plz. Still, gj.

Pham Nuwen: El Oso
This was an early pick for winner, though I think Anti V’s probably edges it out, and it’s a really nice slab of words. I like the way it drips out the weird and nicely specific details of its world, then gives each moving part something to do that is both interesting in its own right satisfyingly reflects on the flash rule. It’s an instructive one to read for our newbies that like their surprise endings - nothing in it is unheralded, and you haven’t held back any drama for the sake ot THE TWIST, but it’s still surprising at multiple points - when el oso comes down the stairs, when the brothers shoot lucas, and the ending. I also really like the tight economical character drawing you do - viz, lucas on his horse, riding to his death. Nice work.

Flerp: The World is a rat
These were good girl turning into a snake words, and if I ever want to read a story about a girl turning into a snake then it will be in my top three destinations but I think it’s lacking, specifically in anything that isn’t a girl turning into a snake. You gesture at significance with the talk about eating up the mountains, but that’s all it is - the world isn’t a rat, in this story, a rat is a rat and the girl turns into a snake to eat it (the rat).

The blunderbuss: one last job
The mysterious mediaevel animal prompt does seem to have brought out a bunch of stories about mysterious mediaevel animals, which makes sense now I think about it. You give good fantasy here with your gritty thief doing gritty thief things, and it’s clear enough where the story’s going to end with your well-chosen title. I liked this a lot and it’s probably not far off an HM, with the hilarious squawky bird turnaround, the almost but not quite touching relationship between thief guy and his protege, and the reasonably clever ending.

Entenzahn: A series of natural deaths
I like this a lot with its (gritty, mediaeval) characters pulp fictioning each other all the live long day and the conception of badgers as a silent, brutal, booze-focused hit squad is legit hilarious. I’m not 100% sure that the plot makes enough sense, and the story isn’t sure how mysterious these furry dudes are, but it’s good, it works.Good title too.

Hawklad: Goats in teh shell
Ok I hate puns in a robust grinchlike fashion and even I must concede that this one is hella tight. I’m p sure you came up with the name while high, giggled for like ten min then burped out this story to match it but u know what, it’s p ok. I’m not convinced on teh economics of shipping goats to alpha centauri or w/e when apparently there are already goats there, it’s a goats to Goatcastle scenario if you know what i mean, but you manage to make a spaceborne goatpocalypse sort of exciting and the little baby goat at the end is cute af so i’m gonna give you this one, gj (goat job)

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SlipUp
Sep 30, 2006


ThirdEmperor posted:

'scuse me just cutting all the useless words off this post

cause it sounds like

what you're really getting at here

is you want to brawl me

:toxx:

It's on! (Yes. Nailed the it's. The time is nigh.)

One of us will be Napoleon. The other can be Napoleon III.

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