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Also in for Lytton redux. Give me a
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# ? Jan 15, 2019 22:32 |
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# ? Dec 14, 2024 04:56 |
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I'm in. I choose this tragedy: A tear rolled down her face like a tractor. “David,” she said tearfully, “I don’t want to be a farmer no more.”
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# ? Jan 15, 2019 22:36 |
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in, I'll take a sentence.
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# ? Jan 15, 2019 22:38 |
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Pham Nuwen posted:In, and gimme a sentence please "Her wit was sharp like a lawnmower blade—it could cut you down to size (which she could adjust, like a lawnmower)." apophenium posted:Also in for Lytton redux. Give me a "'It looks like this continent is out of water,' I said in Antarctica, as a rookery of penguins waddled thirstily by." Thranguy posted:in, I'll take a sentence. "'Murder is the most terrible crime of them all,' the police commissioner thought to himself as he loitered purposefully near the deli counter." Antivehicular fucked around with this message at 22:41 on Jan 15, 2019 |
# ? Jan 15, 2019 22:39 |
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In. Hit me with a sentence - they're all so wonderful I can't choose.
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# ? Jan 15, 2019 22:40 |
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in Hit me with one I can't decide.
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# ? Jan 15, 2019 22:47 |
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Because I'll be busy with my brawl and arranging the trip back to Boston in the coming week, I'll co-judge instead of entering if you'd like me on board.
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# ? Jan 15, 2019 22:48 |
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In and would like a sentence!
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# ? Jan 15, 2019 22:58 |
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I'm In. Pick a sentence for me, please.
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# ? Jan 15, 2019 23:54 |
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In. Do your worst.
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# ? Jan 15, 2019 23:59 |
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Bad Seafood posted:In. I’ll have what he’s having.
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# ? Jan 16, 2019 00:12 |
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Thunderdome Week 336 Crits (Part One) (Please feel free to crit my crits since I'm still learning the ropes. Too negative? Too positive? Not enough specifics? Too many subjective suggestions? Let me know!) (Rephrased in the spirit of Thunderdome: Don't ruin your keyboards with your garbage-juice baby tears over this.) ----- Dolash - “The Lion’s Den” This keeps its action, and pacing, well and is a neat little story of monster slaying and spirit blessings. My mind was asking questions throughout, especially with regards to the buck/doe at the beginning. Did his not shooting the two actually matter? (Does it have any effect on the antlion fight outcome? Would the spirit still save the horse as a favor for killing the antlion?) Did Peter not shoot because he has conflicts about killing animals when not in self-defense? Because the buck showed human-like self-sacrifice and intelligence, knowing what Peter was about to do to the buck? Tying in motivation and consequence more thoroughly would make this good read better. 6/10 Yoruichi - “Necessary Evil” A really good story about learning the titular lesson. The twist from gaining the reader’s sympathy for the stoats to making them repulsive and vicious, if not outright alien, is great. (In a good way, it made me think of Gremlins.) My biggest complaint was being disoriented during the first two sentences, as I couldn’t tell if Bram was waking up to someone walking into the house, if he was going inside or outside, and where the skulls were located (I pictured them on walls initially, not outside wherever they were kept - the porch, the ground). Honestly, though, a minor complaint as I enjoyed this. 7/10 HopperUK - “Salamander” Oooh, I like this story! The characters are ones you want to know more about - they have plenty enough detail as is, but there are hints of greater facets that a longer format would bring out. (That rich rear end in a top hat had to have some nasty grudge against the mother, and I’d keep reading to find out!) I also really enjoyed the salamanders themselves being aspects of the flames, they themselves bringing fire along with their poison; good use of your prompt. If I had to search for a gripe, it would be that “woman burned as a witch” is a little tired, but you’ve worked it just fine so it’s barely a gripe at all. 8/10 Simply Simon - “A Nugget of Truth in Every Mouse” This story was hard to read. The sentence structure is confusing to where I had to reread several to understand it and for a relatively simple story the order of events are convoluted as hell. Did the dying man start the protagonist’s suspicions of his father? Was he suspicious before, and the dying man confirmed them? Why was there training going on before the protagonist offered to join his father, or why was the father surprised at the request if he was training? Details of your prompt were simply regurgitated as facts rather than worked in with any skill or subtlety. The premise of the story isn’t a bad one, but some heavy work is needed as, again, this gets close to unreadable. 3/10 Auraboks - “Peaceful Cohabitation” I enjoy ridiculous stories, so one where a manticore is a terrible roommate got me excited as I began reading this. Except… nothing really happens. Barry is a messy jerk, the unnamed protagonist whines a bunch, then Barry kills him for no solid reason. (Why was Barry motivated to kill right then and there?) You could replace Barry with nearly any monster (or sociopath) and the story would remain virtually unchanged. Even my relatively tame experiences having roommates leave me with better stories to tell than this. Give me some unique manticore moments for normal day-to-day interactions! 4/10 Benny Profane - “The Onocentaur’s Revenge” The idea of random encounters living in their own pocket dimension complaining about their jobs and fates is neat, though the onocentaur character here really needs more, well, character. The dichotomous nature of the onocentaur is barely used at all - he’s sad, now he’s angry!! But that could be any character reacting to his situation. Were he a goblin, a kobold, a dire beaver, how much of the story would need to be rewritten? (Hint: not very much.) The ending was fun, and I would have loved to see more leading up to the D100 rolling up a dragon for the onocentaur, particularly the onocentaur playing a larger roll (ha!) in creating that consequence for the haughty adventurers. 5/10 ----- Edits: re-posted after the some accidental mod edits. :P Punkreas fucked around with this message at 00:53 on Jan 16, 2019 |
# ? Jan 16, 2019 00:29 |
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I just lost 15 crits in a freak google spreadsheet accident so I'm real mad right now and it seems right to work that out in a ragecrit of your terrible, terrible story. if it is still unclear to you DO NOT REPLY TO THIS CRIT even if you are sure it's ever so wrong, just take that knowledge and hide it down deep inside like a fistulaSlipUp posted:Man’s Law, God’s Law, and Fishy Law <=what do fish have to do with any of this, I don't care much about meeting prompts but this is p egregious Right, so not a huge fan of this story. The key issue is that the glaring minor faults completely obscure the even more glaring major faults of the story so unpicking what is supposed to have happened is like knitting cock socks underwater, a really unnecessarily difficult way of doing something that's probably not worth doing in the first place. You submitted, though which is the first step to submitting something that doesn't lose! Good job!
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# ? Jan 16, 2019 00:36 |
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if it's google docs can you just look at the revision history and get it back?
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# ? Jan 16, 2019 00:45 |
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Gimme a stinker.
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# ? Jan 16, 2019 01:50 |
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Lippincott posted:In. Hit me with a sentence - they're all so wonderful I can't choose. "'Crime,' declared the police captain, 'is everywhere, crime, crime!'" SlipUp posted:in "Before I got hit by that ole bus, I never used to think much, but now I think PLENTY." Bolt Crank posted:In and would like a sentence! "His dark heart pulsated with raw evil, as he pumped it, furiously." QM Haversham posted:I'm In. Pick a sentence for me, please. "For centuries, man had watched the clouds; now, they were watching him." Bad Seafood posted:In. "The cosmonauts were transfixed with wonderment as the sun set — over the Earth — there lucklessly, untethered Comrade Todd on fire." onsetOutsider posted:I'll have what he's having. "Anthony’s eyes bulged as we all watched, with languid, infinite slowness, his skull float across the cockpit." Sham bam bamina! posted:Gimme a stinker. "Leon fell out of the goat."
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# ? Jan 16, 2019 02:05 |
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crabrock posted:if it's google docs can you just look at the revision history and get it back? I should be able to, but: Satan. to crit all stories last week by 24 jan 2359 pst - speak up if you want a line by line
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# ? Jan 16, 2019 02:17 |
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sebmojo posted:I should be able to, but: Satan. Yeah, I’ll take one. Thanks, Seb!
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# ? Jan 16, 2019 02:23 |
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I'm in, and I'm going to take the unfairly-maligned opening line, "Under Bob’s fez was another."
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# ? Jan 16, 2019 02:50 |
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apophenium posted:Oh yeah forgot the Me and the rat wanna fight. Someone judge it.
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# ? Jan 16, 2019 03:11 |
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curlingiron posted:Gestalt sebmojo fucked around with this message at 03:18 on Jan 16, 2019 |
# ? Jan 16, 2019 03:16 |
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Antivehicular posted:Furthermore, I'll do crits for Week 336 stories for anyone who requests one. These may be later than the deadline above, because I have like 40 crits to write, holy hell, but I'll do my best to be timely. I'll take you up on this, thank you.
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# ? Jan 16, 2019 03:17 |
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apophenium posted:Me and the rat wanna fight. Someone judge it. What is going on today? Lotta fightin' words. I didn't even notice this because of the rest of the challenges being chucked about - so that's what you're gonna write about. I want interpersonal conflict at the heart of a raging hurricane. I want two people at loggerheads amidst a rolling tavern brawl. But like, not literally unless that's what you want - it's more of a metaphor. I want you to write about a conflict between two central characters that unfolds amidst - and for them, overshadows - a broader conflict/event/chaotic upheaval. Give it to me fast and dirty, 800 words. Edit: Antivehicular posted:THUNDERDOME WEEK CCCXXXVII: A Dark and Stormy 2019 loving tsk steeltoedsneakers fucked around with this message at 03:42 on Jan 16, 2019 |
# ? Jan 16, 2019 03:26 |
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Thanks for the crit, Yoruichi, that’s very helpful.Antivehicular posted:Okay, so, first things first: to complete all my outstanding judge crits before submission deadline for week 337.
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# ? Jan 16, 2019 04:03 |
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steeltoedsneakers posted:loving tsk Thanks! What can I say, I wanna write this week!
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# ? Jan 16, 2019 04:34 |
In. Give me a sentence because I'm an indecisive rear end in a top hat.
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# ? Jan 16, 2019 05:12 |
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Devorum posted:In. Give me a sentence because I'm an indecisive rear end in a top hat. "Braille haiku on the gravestone served to excite some while sighted visitors needed only touch the smoothly polished shapes."
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# ? Jan 16, 2019 05:34 |
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WITNESS ME THUNDERDOME I am the revolution, here to mark the end of the reign of tyrants. My cause is just. My honour is intact. As I stand before you today, let the losertar bear an omen of what is to come. I'm glad my efforts make you suffer so, for they shall be doubled and redoubled. I will enter every week until I am crowned emperor. I may lose, I may disqualify, but will you all be able to stem the tide? We shall see. To quote Napoleon: "Quantity is a quality of it's own." Come tyrants, we must water the tree. SlipUp fucked around with this message at 06:18 on Jan 16, 2019 |
# ? Jan 16, 2019 06:14 |
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Gimme a sentence so I can make it into a story please.
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# ? Jan 16, 2019 06:20 |
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hey sembojo where's that new losertar i made
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# ? Jan 16, 2019 06:24 |
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Chairchucker posted:Gimme a sentence so I can make it into a story please. "Get ready to take a virtual tour of sydney australia through the backyards of a kangaroo who will punch you in the head fifty times!"
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# ? Jan 16, 2019 06:26 |
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SlipUp posted:WITNESS ME THUNDERDOME Appreciate your enthusiasm, genuinely hope you stick around, but save this stuff for the IRC/Discord.
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# ? Jan 16, 2019 06:50 |
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In, I'll take an opener please.
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# ? Jan 16, 2019 07:23 |
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Hey Djeser where are your head judge crits from week 332?
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# ? Jan 16, 2019 07:31 |
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SlipUp posted:To quote Napoleon: "Quantity is a quality of it's own." "It's" is only ever short for "it is". When you master this, you will master Thunderdome.* * you might have to master some other stuff too
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# ? Jan 16, 2019 07:34 |
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SlipUp posted:until I am crowned emperor. 'scuse me just cutting all the useless words off this post cause it sounds like what you're really getting at here is you want to brawl me
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# ? Jan 16, 2019 07:38 |
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Yoruichi posted:Some crits for week 336 Bolt Crank posted:Thunderdome Week 336 Crits (Part One) I think I could easily work on the story and make it better using your crit, so it's a good one in my book! Antivehicular posted:Okay, so, first things first: to complete all my outstanding judge crits before submission deadline for week 337. How does one get on the Thunderdome Discord, by the way?
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# ? Jan 16, 2019 09:38 |
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https://discord.gg/MgCGn5
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# ? Jan 16, 2019 09:40 |
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Week 336 crits 1/3 (i'll start at the end next time, last minuters always get screwed on crits) Dolash: the Lion’s Den This is competent vaguely gritty sort of fantasy, but there’s a disconnect between the grimy social realist stag hunter and the monster interrupt and fantasy style resolution that grates enough that I’m not convinced by the emotional impact you want the poor stabbed horse friend to have. You’ve got a good touch with the choice of details and your action is clear enough, but next time find a better way to unite your story elements. Not terrible, though Bolt crank: what’s spine is yours This made me lol but unfortunately in the at not with way you really want to avoid when producing cultural artefacts for external consumption. First up, you made a bad choice in going for present tense - it has its places, but unless you know what you’re doing (you don’t) stick to third person past tense, at least for a bit. You’ll know when it’s time to try something different. More broadly, this has the air of a story told to a child with idk finger puppets or something and while that’s not intrinsically bad, it’s not actually charming enough to pull it off. Your protag is a deliberate dick, and him and his deadly rival do an end-of-casablanca walk off that’s really un-earned. Also: how do you stick jewels on hedgehog spines? And why does gruyere get the fancy lady when he’s clearly gay? And and, how the gently caress do you cover the entrance to a hedgehog burrow with spines? Mysteries I’m perfectly happy consigning to the dustbin of history as I’m sure you’ll write far better stories that mean we can move on from this one and never speak of it again. Yoruichi: Necessary Evil So yeah, some p good little kid sneaking out of his bed to do mischief action, not gonna lie, and all the details in this are strongly and well delineated so nice work on that front but please allow me to ask you: wtf. WTF is with the ear, and the stoat babies coming out from the ear, and the murder snog, and really just wtf. I sort of admire the weirdness but it sits very oddly with the clean-edged realism of the rest of the piece; I thought you were going to take the easy out of a dream and I’m glad you didn’t, but it’s a strange strong drink and while I’m all for the woo nature message you’re sort of purveying here, I’m not at all convinced by the weird rear end mode of travel you have elected. HopperUk: Salamander So this is very good in many ways, good words, clean language, the bit with the fire lizards was dope, but I have to say I was nodding and mentally sort of tapping my foot whilst I was reading because this is extremely well-trodden ground for 9/10 of its length, we have the town, we got the witch who’s extremely good and cool, we got the bad man, we got the betrayal, we have the attempted lynching and the ‘screw you guys i’m gonna curse ur asses’. This isn’t an intrinsically terrible thing but if you’re gonig to use these well-worn tropes you need to have something surprising or delightful in there as well - your words really are very strong and the salamanders are cool (ok yes hot) but you needed a little extra, either an interesting development, or a metaphorical layer that the salamanders could have represented or something, toss me a bone here. Simply simon: a nugget of truth in every mouse Ok so you’re yoda-ing it up pretty hardcore with the weird word order in teh sentences and I trust you have ESL reasons for that because if not you have a lot of unlearning to do, but fear not; some of the best writers in the dome have english as a second language. So fyi, write not your sentences as though the verb precedes and subject and object or wrathful will be they whom sit in judgment upon you, but that’s not the main issue with this story. The main issue with this story is that it’s 800 words of bibble bobble followed by a twist - he’s not actually after the gold at all, he’s a liverphile! This is great, but also terrible, because why do i care? I think you’d have been better advised to start with the revelation and taken us on from there, I’d be kind of interested in some low down dirty mouse trapping and disembowelling instead of 800 words of fretting about what dad’s doing at night. Auraboks: Peaceful Cohabitation So this is what I’d call a chairchuckeresque slab of words and it ploughs that furrow well and amusingly. I like the details of your low affect protag in his room with a manticore and can see any number of ways that it could work as a metaphor for a shut-in, but then you go and kill your low affect protag in a low affect ‘oh well bummer guess i’m poisoned to death’ way and I’m legit disappointed, come now auraboks you know better than to disappoint me Benny Profane: The Onocentaurs Revenge I don’t normally give a crap about prompt fulfilment but I guess I make an exception for deliberately fucky hellrules; this was a nasty one and you nailed it, though I confess I hoped you’d go the route of a character that expressed himself by the medium of platonic solids, but no, talking to nerd dice was a brilliant solution. I’m not sure you quite earned the hm though because that end is flatter than a dire pancake (1-3 appearing, 2+1 HD, AC10). If you’re going to do that then save some words for the detail of the smug party’s comeuppance plz. Still, gj. Pham Nuwen: El Oso This was an early pick for winner, though I think Anti V’s probably edges it out, and it’s a really nice slab of words. I like the way it drips out the weird and nicely specific details of its world, then gives each moving part something to do that is both interesting in its own right satisfyingly reflects on the flash rule. It’s an instructive one to read for our newbies that like their surprise endings - nothing in it is unheralded, and you haven’t held back any drama for the sake ot THE TWIST, but it’s still surprising at multiple points - when el oso comes down the stairs, when the brothers shoot lucas, and the ending. I also really like the tight economical character drawing you do - viz, lucas on his horse, riding to his death. Nice work. Flerp: The World is a rat These were good girl turning into a snake words, and if I ever want to read a story about a girl turning into a snake then it will be in my top three destinations but I think it’s lacking, specifically in anything that isn’t a girl turning into a snake. You gesture at significance with the talk about eating up the mountains, but that’s all it is - the world isn’t a rat, in this story, a rat is a rat and the girl turns into a snake to eat it (the rat). The blunderbuss: one last job The mysterious mediaevel animal prompt does seem to have brought out a bunch of stories about mysterious mediaevel animals, which makes sense now I think about it. You give good fantasy here with your gritty thief doing gritty thief things, and it’s clear enough where the story’s going to end with your well-chosen title. I liked this a lot and it’s probably not far off an HM, with the hilarious squawky bird turnaround, the almost but not quite touching relationship between thief guy and his protege, and the reasonably clever ending. Entenzahn: A series of natural deaths I like this a lot with its (gritty, mediaeval) characters pulp fictioning each other all the live long day and the conception of badgers as a silent, brutal, booze-focused hit squad is legit hilarious. I’m not 100% sure that the plot makes enough sense, and the story isn’t sure how mysterious these furry dudes are, but it’s good, it works.Good title too. Hawklad: Goats in teh shell Ok I hate puns in a robust grinchlike fashion and even I must concede that this one is hella tight. I’m p sure you came up with the name while high, giggled for like ten min then burped out this story to match it but u know what, it’s p ok. I’m not convinced on teh economics of shipping goats to alpha centauri or w/e when apparently there are already goats there, it’s a goats to Goatcastle scenario if you know what i mean, but you manage to make a spaceborne goatpocalypse sort of exciting and the little baby goat at the end is cute af so i’m gonna give you this one, gj (goat job)
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# ? Jan 16, 2019 11:34 |
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# ? Dec 14, 2024 04:56 |
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ThirdEmperor posted:'scuse me just cutting all the useless words off this post It's on! (Yes. Nailed the it's. The time is nigh.) One of us will be Napoleon. The other can be Napoleon III.
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# ? Jan 16, 2019 11:51 |