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Chili
Jan 23, 2004

College kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

SlipUp and Third, shut up you worms.

You shall brawl for my pleasure. To confirm your entry into this glorious combat, each of you must select a weapon (you may interpret this as you see fit). Post a picture of your weapon, and then await further instructions.

Chili fucked around with this message at 16:21 on Jan 16, 2019

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Simply Simon
Nov 6, 2010

timeless Ned Flanders style


sebmojo posted:

Simply simon: a nugget of truth in every mouse
Ok so you’re yoda-ing it up pretty hardcore with the weird word order in teh sentences and I trust you have ESL reasons for that because if not you have a lot of unlearning to do, but fear not; some of the best writers in the dome have english as a second language. So fyi, write not your sentences as though the verb precedes and subject and object or wrathful will be they whom sit in judgment upon you, but that’s not the main issue with this story. The main issue with this story is that it’s 800 words of bibble bobble followed by a twist - he’s not actually after the gold at all, he’s a liverphile! This is great, but also terrible, because why do i care? I think you’d have been better advised to start with the revelation and taken us on from there, I’d be kind of interested in some low down dirty mouse trapping and disembowelling instead of 800 words of fretting about what dad’s doing at night.
I will not stand for the slander of my English skills; the word order mangling was a very deliberate choice on my end. I thank you for the advice, but you should have been way more cruel in putting down my hubris.

I also thank you for the crit in general. I will take to heart: nobody gives a poo poo about a 15-year-old's self-inflicted daddy issues.

DJ Dublell
Dec 13, 2008


sebmojo posted:

I should be able to, but: Satan.

:toxx: to crit all stories last week by 24 jan 2359 pst - speak up if you want a line by line

Missed this earlier, but a line by line would be helpful.

a computing pun
Jan 1, 2013


Screw it. It's been almost two months since November, I should be over having failed at a long-story contest already. Maybe failing at a short-story contest is just what I need to get past it.

In, and I'd like a sentence assigned please.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk





Simply Simon posted:

I will not stand for the slander of my English skills; the word order mangling was a very deliberate choice on my end. I thank you for the advice, but you should have been way more cruel in putting down my hubris.

I also thank you for the crit in general. I will take to heart: nobody gives a poo poo about a 15-year-old's self-inflicted daddy issues.

Don't respond to crits even if it's to be all 'ohoho i guess u got me master pip, chortle chortle we'll see next time young whippersnapper'. It clogs up the thread and: noone cares. We can all write better than we just did, so, do it.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk





DJ Dublell posted:

Part of the Forest
(762 words)
Beast: Jaculus


Simple. We get deliveries like this all the time. you're doing the thing where you're ambiguous about what the story is about in the first few paras, (getting a job from an undescribed entity to deliver 'a package' to a nameless person) which you can do but you're robbing the reader of understanding to payoff the twist, and you should be sure it's worth it when you do. this is a simple enough story, and you don't really ring any changes on the formula, so just tell us what we're reading unless you have a reason not to.
Colin and I even talked our way into a little bonus. Told the client that forest jobs take longer, but really, I just hate mosquitoes as much as they love me. If I’m going to be bug-food, I better loving ok so swearing: it totes has a place but it should be considered like words but more so. if you're going to drop a swear, make sure it lands and either conveys character or punctuates a scene, pays its way. in this you use it throughout and there's no real point or texture to it (apart from characterising yr dude as Harry McSwearsalot) so I don't think you get the payoff. Not a huge deal but I remember it annoying me when i judged. get paid for it. so: first para is: we got a job to move a blob from one blob to another blob. You can and should do more with your first para at this length.

But we do take pride in our work: twenty-seven years and not one missed delivery, and we go through a lot. When Colin first taught me the business, he’d frequently stroke his silver beard and growl, “Ye gotta stay in shape and bring a weapon, ‘cause ye never know when some twat’ll try to shank ye from behind.” still don't know what the story's about

He often tells me stories of beasts that sound like fairy tales, and stories of men that keep adults awake at night. those stories sound interesting, you could have told us one of those and used your precious beginning words for that instead of ullage Any other person, I’d swear they’re loving with me, but there’s something earnest about that gruff old man, and I knew—from the start—that I could trust him with my life. He treats me like the kid he never had. Having each other’s backs for so many years makes his stories a lot less terrifying. the beginning of this story is packing foam

After packing basic supplies and readying the package, I check my dagger’s blade with a forefinger; nice and sharp. Colin looks over my shoulder as I sheath it in my belt, miming a stabbing motion in my back. We exchange a few laughs and mimed back stabbings before setting off. dum de doo going to the forest

We reach the forest and my life immediately becomes miserable. Mosquitoes are having their way with me: twenty loving bites in twenty loving minutes. fffuuuccckkk

“How the gently caress do you not get bit? Not once? They come from loving nowhere!” loving fuckin, fuckin, gently caress! eh? eh?

The old bundle of muscles raises a finger to shush me as he leads the way. dum de doo old guy walkin

Though my mosquito bites are legion, there’s something about the forest in the evening that unnerves me enough to forget about the itching. Squeaks and shadows that may or may not be trees or creatures. A thickening canopy that threatens to block out the sky with every step. Closing in. ooh it's creepy

Colin turns around and meets my eyes.

“Places like these, ye’ll see an’ hear many things. Take ‘em all in. Then the things that can really get ye stand out much more.”

I take a moment to ground myself: dried broken sticks in the underbrush, perhaps from other travelers; tree branches disturbed by weakening gusts of wind; leaves shifting from little critters, and shadows shifting with them; the echoing taps of a woodpecker against a distant tree; the creaks of shifting bark, and the bugs beginning their evening squeals. I breathe deeply. this is actually a really nice para and the first that I'm really reading. You could have started the story here, everything up to now is basically irrelevant.

“gently caress you, Colin." FFFFFUUUUCCCKKK

The old man grins and we move forward.

As the evening darkens, Colin lights his torch. Its crackle and orange glow—though not part of the forest—are soothing to me. I lose myself in them. The old man stops suddenly, snapping me out of my trance.

“What’s--”

I see a shadowy bolt of lightning dart towards and away from my mentor. He falls to the ground, limp, his throat a twisted mass of gore soaking the underbrush. LOL and he's gone sorry old mentor guy i guess you kind of sucked after all

I unsheathe my dagger, you know this really seems an impractical weapon to hunt unnamed ferocious fantasy animals with head pounding, blood boiling cliche, when you write this kind of thing always go back and replace it with something a bit surprising. I listen for the sounds of the forest from a few hours earlier, guided by the light of the old man’s fallen torch.

Breathe.

Can’t hear anything. What stands out?

Breathe!

My left leg buckles and pain radiates through my lower body. I look down and catch a glimpse of a serpent, latched onto my thigh.

I swing at it with my dagger. Miss. It darts upwards into the canopy, taking a chunk of leg with it.

Pain roars within my left leg. Shifting my back against a tree and slowly balancing on my good leg, I clutch the dagger with all of my strength.

Breathe…

I drop my dagger as pain screams into my right arm, the snake removing another chunk of my flesh.

Slumping to the ground, I feel a sharp heat spreading from my wounds and roiling through my body. loving venom. FUCKITY gently caress gently caress Fantastic.

My head lands softly onto some leaves as the faint crackle of Colin’s torch enters my awareness. His killer comes into my field of vision, and I notice its wings for the first time. perhaps he should have done a little research on what the story was about back in, oh idk, the first para

Venom claws at my insides. The torchlight reflects on the winged serpent’s eyes, which stare directly into my own.

Of course! I couldn't see or hear it before, but this creature is always part of the forest’s sights and sounds. WHAAAT this is the only actual point of the story apart from guy goes into forest, get kilt, and it's wafer thin Now it waits for the life to leave the bloody mess in front of it. Simple. huh?
so this doesn't have terrible words but it is fatally lacking in a point other than 1. weapon choice and research are both important parts of monster slaying, bro do you even witcher, and 2. FUUUUUUUCCCKKK.

sebmojo fucked around with this message at 20:03 on Jan 16, 2019

theblunderbuss
Jul 4, 2010

I find dead men rout
more easily.


In with:
"General Clap did not understand the way of the ancient warrior. However, the Shadow Wolves did."


Also thanks for this!

Sham bam bamina!
Nov 6, 2012

ƨtupid cat


Simply Simon posted:

I will not stand for the slander of my English skills; the word order mangling was a very deliberate choice on my end. I thank you for the advice, but you should have been way more cruel in putting down my hubris.
Brawl me, twerp.

Simply Simon
Nov 6, 2010

timeless Ned Flanders style


Sham bam bamina! posted:

Brawl me, twerp.
Sure, let's loving do it!

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BwBKjK7Xik0

ThirdEmperor
Aug 7, 2013

BEHOLD MY GLORY

AND THEN

BRAWL ME


Chili posted:

SlipUp and Third, shut up you worms.

You shall brawl for my pleasure. To confirm your entry into this glorious combat, each of you must select a weapon (you may interpret this as you see fit). Post a picture of your weapon, and then await further instructions.


Once my hanzo steel is drawn...

it cannot rest until it has tasted blood...

Mr. Steak
May 8, 2013

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS


Okay here's the thing, Sebmojo. Brawl me.

In your crit of SlipUp's story, you dissed bookisms that tell you to avoid using "said," insisting that the more boring word should always be used, yet you strongly insisted on following an even worse bookism about avoiding adverbs altogether, without giving us any reason to trust one bookism over another.

Also here is a list of adverbs that you used in your crit.
-deliberately
-really
-accordingly
-exactly
-roughly
-importantly
-needlessly
-basically
-completely
-probably
-unnecessarily

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk





onsetOutsider posted:

Okay here's the thing, Sebmojo. Brawl me.


Lol ok :toxx:. Two weeks plz.

Mr. Steak
May 8, 2013

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS


:toxx:

ThirdEmperor
Aug 7, 2013

BEHOLD MY GLORY

AND THEN

BRAWL ME


Brawls will continue until the inkthirst of the Dome is quenched.

quote:

Third 'Jerkface' EmperorToday at 3:57 PM
lippinsteak
your prompt is Eldritch Horror and Tea
2000 words
Due a week from now

Mr. Steak
May 8, 2013

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS


:toxx: again

anatomi
Jan 31, 2015


Gods. Is this dank den usually so brawly?

ThirdEmperor
Aug 7, 2013

BEHOLD MY GLORY

AND THEN

BRAWL ME


No it's quiet for weeks until one brawl gets blood in the water and sets off a whole clusterfuck.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME




Sham bam bamina! posted:

Brawl me, twerp.


Simply Simon posted:

Sure, let's loving do it!

:siren: Simply Shambam brawl :siren:

Your prompt is this quote:

quote:

What am I? What has my will done to make me that I am? Nothing. I have been floated into this thought, this hour, this connection of events, by secret currents of might and mind, and my ingenuity and willfulness have not thwarted, have not aided to an appreciable degree.

You can each, additionally, optionally, request a dumb flashrule from me. But only a dumb one.

Update: Simon gets the flashrule "hipster elves" and sham gets the flashrule "normcore dragons"

Word count maximum: 1200 words
Deadline: Wednesday, January 30th, by 11:59:59PM Pacific Standard Time

Sitting Here fucked around with this message at 00:01 on Jan 17, 2019

Sham bam bamina!
Nov 6, 2012

ƨtupid cat


:toxx:

I'll have a dumb rule.

Simply Simon
Nov 6, 2010

timeless Ned Flanders style


I don't know if it's a handicap or a helpful extra prompt for any of us, but I'll take a dumb rule as well to even the playing field!

Anomalous Blowout
Feb 13, 2006

rock
ice
storm
abyss



It makes no attempt to sound human. It is atoms and stars.

*


Anomalous Blowout posted:



Don’t make me turn this car around, kids.

Write me 1200 words about a nerd on a family vacation who doesn’t want to be there.

Any genre, any destination, any kind of nerd. But I want to feel your feeble, impotent geekrage.

Deadline is one week from the timestamp on this post.

As Antivehicular won and has to crit almost 60 stories by the end of this week, I’m extending this brawl deadline to 11:59 PST on 31st January.

You have til the end of the month, which means if I get poo poo slop words I’ll be even more disappointed than usual.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME




Sham bam bamina! posted:

:toxx:

I'll have a dumb rule.

normcore dragons

Simply Simon posted:

I don't know if it's a handicap or a helpful extra prompt for any of us, but I'll take a dumb rule as well to even the playing field!

hipster elves

Punkreas
May 13, 2013

*chews on head*


Lipstick Apathy

Thunderdome Week 336 Crits (Part Two)

-----

Pham Nuwen - “El Oso”

I love the twist on being able to see the future in this - wondering whether El Oso’s sight is false, partly true and fulfilled by his posse, or completely true (and know it will be fulfilled by his posse) has me hooked. Turning your prompt into the surly El Oso was also neat!

However, while you did well with your flash rule, there was very little from the bestiary description itself. Raul is barely more than a vessel for the observer - why exactly is he there? What help does he seek? And what does he think of El Oso’s predictions after the wrap-up of the carriage robbery? 7/10


flerp - “The World is a Rat”

There’s a lot going on in this story, but none of it gets explored or truly tied in. The protagonist laments the breakup with Sammie initially, but by the end it’s an afterthought. Why exactly did they break up? (Was it the lip biting? Or something more?) The Dad all but thrown in, and what’s with the offhand mention of Mom? (And Dad wanting grandkids - it seems like the protagonist is a teenager, so it’s weird Dad would already be pressuring her about having children at her age.)

And and and and and and and.... There were a lot of these, and I found it distracting, possibly due to their overuse in starting sentences.

The transformation into a snake along with her desire to bite and taste blood and eat rats makes sense, but what of all that “eat the world” buildup? I was got excited thinking this would lead the story into being about the birth of something like a two-headed Jormungandr, but then it simply goes back to wanting to eat rats. You also have an aside about the protagonist being cold, forcing another element of your prompt in the story, then never mentioned again.

There is something interesting here to be written, and to be read, if you can focus on fleshing out (and bringing together) the ideas in it. 5/10


theblunderbuss - “One Last Job”

This story takes too long to get where it needs to go, then when it gets there it doesn’t do anything to make it stand out. They go to find a magic bird, hope it cures Sand, it doesn’t, the story ends. I think you had a whole world swirling around in your head and got stuck telling a chopped-down chapter of it here. Your prompt is not well-integrated (you start to insinuate the bird’s healing powers… then just state it as a fact). Your flash rule feels shoehorned in as a way to end the story rather than being an underlying element. “Good kid, Bari. Did what he was told.” This line not only sounds cliche but then immediately afterwards you have a (much too long) back-and-forth with Bari repeatedly refusing what to do!

Overall, I don’t think this was good flash fiction, but I do believe it has promise for something more. I want to know about alchemist treasures worth steal and the exotic animal guards they employ. I want to know about the other magical creatures in the menagerie and world. I want to know why the Duke seeks the healing properties of the bird himself. I want this story to break free of a word limit. 5/10


Entenzahn - “A series of natural deaths”

A fun use of the flash rule and prompt! However, I’ve read the story twice and am having trouble piecing it together, in part due to the time jumps, in part due to too little information. Cleft gets badgers sicced on him - got it. But then… Karl is the target? By whom? Is it Samsa, upset Karl lied to her about what the badgers would do to Cleft? (She is never shown to be bothered by this, however, even though she implied to have stolen liquor for their services.) Also, and this is trivial, for some reason the badgers creating “mole hills” bothered me, even though there’s likely nothing wrong with it.

The officers seemed unnecessary as well, serving only to hint at a larger world and badger attacks that don’t have relevance to the scope of this story. However, I’d like to see a story that does take on that broader scope, further exploring the mercenary badgers and possibly witchcraft it contains. 7/10


Hawklad - “Goats in the Shell”

Okay, easily my favorite title from this week’s batch stories even if it didn’t have goats getting the essence of their being uploaded into computers. Obviously there’s not a whole lot of story going on, mostly a well-written sci-fi action romp with horny goats, but you clearly had fun writing this - and I had fun reading it! 6/10


Lippincott - “Harnessed Loyalty”

A nice, rounded-out story about a good boy. It’s a complete piece in its own right, yet overall I feel like it’s something I’d read in as a prologue chapter to a novel about this good boy and his new owner. What more could I want from this story? Mainly something to make it truly unique, to make it stand out from other dog/owner stories out there as it felt like standard fare material even if the quality of the work is high, which it is! Also using more of the bestiary details for your prompt, as this was bare minimum in that regard.

It was a good read, and I wish I could think of more to add to this crit! 7/10


Mercedes - “Voice Thief”

First and foremost, the characters in this are lacking. I don’t really care about any of them! Brad is the only one with any detail, and that is limited to his being attacked, then going out against the odds to save his wife. (He also reflects that being brave is against his nature, but this contradicts the only thing we’re given as readers about his nature.) Speaking of too little detail, the world itself is a shamble of random bits that never come together. Voidmart is never explained in the slightest (get rid of that silly “™”, yeesh), and the dangerous wolf world is never given any meat - never a solid reason to be concerned about characters going out into it.

The Brad being voiceless and rock-pounding aren’t supported in any way, clearly forced in to meet the prompt (remove both of them from the story and the story effectively remains unchanged). Everything is over-described (e.g. the silence does not need to be yawning), with too many metaphors/similes being thrown in at every turn. Work on giving personality to your characters and a reason for the world to be scary and dangerous, then you’ll have a solid story on your hands. 5/10

Punkreas
May 13, 2013

*chews on head*


Lipstick Apathy

anatomi posted:

Gods. Is this dank den usually so brawly?

Quit flashing those pearly whites and get in here - brawl me!

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

sebmojo posted:

Lol ok :toxx:. Two weeks plz.



Stand by for prompt

Pham Nuwen
Oct 30, 2010




Thanks for the crits, folks!

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

anatomi posted:

Gods. Is this dank den usually so brawly?

Bolt Lux posted:

Quit flashing those pearly whites and get in here - brawl me!

I jumped the gun because I was excited by all the brawls and put a prompt here. Do you accept the challenge, anatomi? If so toxx up and I've got one ready to go. Welcome to TD!

Flesnolk fucked around with this message at 02:37 on Jan 17, 2019

steeltoedsneakers
Jul 26, 2016







anatomi posted:

Gods. Is this dank den usually so brawly?

Right?

Someone fight me. I dares ya.

Kaishai
Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.

ThirdEmperor posted:

Brawls will continue until the inkthirst of the Dome is quenched.

A brawl needs to be declared in the thread to be official. So I ain't adding this to the roster until a challenge is thrown down here.

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

:siren: Onsetmojo brawl :siren:

Because sebmojo is one of the most experienced and successful domers there is, and onset is literally brand new and possessed with more chutzpah than sense, I'm splitting this prompt up a bit to give each of you a fighting chance.

SEBMOJO
You may not use dialogue. I want you to take this song and use it as inspiration to paint me the most concrete picture you can of family drama and community politics in the face of coming turmoil. You can use all your writerly powers to play with this guideline as much as you like, but I want this community to feel like a real place really coming apart at the seams. To make it a bit harder for you: no onscreen violence. Implied is fine if you must.

ONSETOUTSIDER
Because you picked a fight with one of the biggest goons in the yard on your second week, you get to write about someone completely in over their head. This could run the gamut from fighting someone way out of their weight class to literally defying a hurricane while shirtless and waving an American flag, although if you straight up literally use the exact images/videos here you better have a heck of a fresh take on 'em. I want you to really dig into the head of someone who'd throw themselves into that sort of "I am completely overwhelmed and anyone thinking logically would run" situation and why the hell they'd do it. Determination, defiance, other things with D.

BOTH OF YOU
Must keep the story grounded and realistic. It's okay for it to not strictly be 2019 Earth, but no overt supernatural elements or the like. Neither of you are obligated to use your exact images/videos in their most literal sense, just take inspiration from them. Neither of you may use "how" adverbs; even one will be a DQ loss.

Word count maximum: 1500 words
Additional hellrules: *No explicitly apocalyptic stories; I'm just sick of 'em. So in sebmojo's case, the world can't literally end, be ending, be about to end, or have ended already - this specific community might or might not be hosed, but the rest of the world isn't doing horribly.
* One additional rule per combatant available upon request
Standard rules also apply. So no poetry, erotica, fanfic, quote tags, political screeds, bodily fluids, google docs, etc etc
Deadline: Thursday, January 31st, by 11:59:59PM Pacific Standard Time; if this time doesn't work, and there's a good reason it doesn't, ask me for a one time extension

Flesnolk fucked around with this message at 04:10 on Jan 17, 2019

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME




SOMEONE FIGHT THIS MAN

steeltoedsneakers posted:

Right?

Someone fight me. I dares ya.

and then let's not have any new brawl challenges until the actual signups for this week pick up a bit more.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

I DON'T ALWAYS
HERDY DUR MUR FLERP FLERPITY
FLOOPIN
BUT WHEN I DO
I YER DER FLERPITY
THURN DER DERMIN
BORK! BORK! BORK!




steeltoedsneakers posted:

Right?

Someone fight me. I dares ya.

hello this week's prompt sucks ill fight u :toxx:

steeltoedsneakers
Jul 26, 2016







flerp posted:

hello this week's prompt sucks ill fight u :toxx:

Yeah (I mean, it doesn't, I just didn't want to do it)! :toxx:

Yoruichi
Sep 21, 2017


Horse Facts

True and Interesting Facts about Horse




Sitting Here posted:

SOMEONE FIGHT THIS MAN


and then let's not have any new brawl challenges until the actual signups for this week pick up a bit more.

Yes MUM

In and gimme a ridiculous opener

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME




flerp posted:

hello this week's prompt sucks ill fight u :toxx:

steeltoedsneakers posted:

Yeah (I mean, it doesn't, I just didn't want to do it)! :toxx:

:siren: Flerptoedsneakers Brawl! :siren:

I really want this to be a weekly prompt sometime so your prompts come from The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows! I want you to explore, demonstrate, refute, wallow in, or otherwise engage with your assigned sorrow.

Flerp's prompt:

quote:

flashover

n. the moment a conversation becomes real and alive, which occurs when a spark of trust shorts out the delicate circuits you keep insulated under layers of irony, momentarily grounding the static emotional charge you’ve built up through decades of friction with the world.

Sneakers' prompt:

quote:

hanker sore

adj. finding a person so attractive it actually kinda pisses you off.


You can each, additionally, optionally, request a prohibitive flashrule from me. But only a prohibitive one.


Words: Up to 1200 words of ineffable sorrow
Deadline: Wednesday, January 30th, by 11:59:59 PST

SlipUp
Sep 30, 2006


Chili posted:

SlipUp and Third, shut up you worms.

You shall brawl for my pleasure. To confirm your entry into this glorious combat, each of you must select a weapon (you may interpret this as you see fit). Post a picture of your weapon, and then await further instructions.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk





Anyone who has challenged anyone else to a brawl should also enter this week.

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

quote:

The Thunderduel, one 'domer against his sister. This is the animal show, the occasional naval battle. The off-schedule, off-kilter one-on-one informal contest. The glove of the Thunderduel may be thrown down at any time, for any reason or none at all. A judge can be chosen by the defender or may step up of his own accord. The judge will not be one of the Three for that week. Thunderduel's will last for as many rounds as the challenger offers, but always an odd number.

Don't want my prompts going to waste, so I'm willing to pull out of the week's judge seat if AntiV wants. Will weigh whether my plate is too full to enter.

Flesnolk fucked around with this message at 03:38 on Jan 17, 2019

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Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME




I will judge this week, then. If our glorious bossjudge will have me.

e: because I don't care about an archaic old rule created by the old testament thundergod

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