Idiots Thread - Can't enlist if you are mentally ill, they want to do it themselves

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Internet VFW > Idiots Thread - Can't enlist if you are mentally ill, they want to do it themselves

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Brute Squad: Dec 20, 2006; Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human race

Steezo posted:

I don't think he's trying to order a sandwich.

just a snacc

# ? Jul 12, 2020 21:28

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# ? Jan 24, 2025 14:48

BIG HEADLINE: Jun 13, 2006; "Stand back, Ottawan ruffian, or face my lumens!"

LtCol J. Krusinski posted:

Know how you can tell the smell of poo poo, but can�t really describe it? That�s USAF Intel Ops.

# ? Jul 12, 2020 22:05

Memento: Aug 25, 2009; Bleak Gremlin

This is consistently the best thread on the forums.

# ? Jul 13, 2020 00:54

Softface: Feb 15, 2011; Some things can't be unseen

AF Intel is the only place I've met furries in real life. At DLI, they would walk around with their little tails and whatnot, and complain to the sergeants in charge of us when people stole them. It's the only place in the military where someone as aggressively odd as that can not only survive, but thrive.

# ? Jul 13, 2020 01:01

Guest2553: Aug 3, 2012

I know a combat engineer who, while maybe not technically a furry, enjoyed their porn on the DL. At least up until the point where someone went to move their keyboard and accidentally pressed some media shortcut keys on the non-password protected computer.

We saw some poo poo that day :stonk:

# ? Jul 13, 2020 02:03

Doc Hawkins: Jun 15, 2010; Dashing? But I'm not even moving!

i only know civilian furries but they match with many of the legends i have heard of AF Intel

# ? Jul 13, 2020 02:13

Ugly In The Morning: Jul 1, 2010; Pillbug

Softface posted:

AF Intel is the only place I've met furries in real life. At DLI, they would walk around with their little tails and whatnot, and complain to the sergeants in charge of us when people stole them. It's the only place in the military where someone as aggressively odd as that can not only survive, but thrive.

There was a thread either here or in A/T about the poster�s time at DLI, and it was full of some amazing :stare:

stuff.

# ? Jul 13, 2020 02:28

Cythereal: Nov 8, 2009; I love the potoo,
and the potoo loves you.

Ugly In The Morning posted:

There was a thread either here or in A/T about the poster�s time at DLI, and it was full of some amazing stuff.

Here you go.

# ? Jul 13, 2020 02:31

Ataxerxes: Dec 1, 2011; What is a soldier but a miserable pile of eaten cats and strange language?

How about a historical idiot? Some very very remote ancestor of mine had a father-in-law, a captain in the army of Sweden. The father-in-law was put into court martial and shot for having given an order to shoot rebelling farmers, sometime in the 1690's.

# ? Jul 13, 2020 09:10

Kith: Sep 17, 2009; You never learn anything
by doing it right.

LtCol J. Krusinski posted:

Know how you can tell the smell of poo poo, but can�t really describe it? That�s USAF Intel Ops.

Vincent Van Goatse posted:

The fact he was a furry and Shim's majestic description of married intel life.

Softface posted:

AF Intel is the only place I've met furries in real life. At DLI, they would walk around with their little tails and whatnot, and complain to the sergeants in charge of us when people stole them. It's the only place in the military where someone as aggressively odd as that can not only survive, but thrive.

Amazing.

I haven't really had the pleasure of meeting many Air Force folks - all of my contact has been primarily Navy, with a polite smattering of Army and Marines. I've never been in myself, just adjacent my entire life thanks to my dad, my brother, and their entire social networks.

# ? Jul 13, 2020 10:32

LonsomeSon: Nov 22, 2009; A fishperson in an intimidating hat!

Fellow goons, it has been a long time since I came to the previous thread with the Gospel of Warboy, and at that time I did tell you that I was traveling back home shortly thereafter, and would try to link up with him.

Unfortunately for everyone but himself, he had finally hard-severed from his toxic family the year before, and while he said he was still in Texas, there are of course many places in other states closer to DFW than other major population centers in the state.

Out of the blue, though, his FB account started liking some of my pro-riot shares and pet photos a couple of weeks ago, so I IMed him and we talked on the phone for a couple of hours once we eventually both had time at the same time. I got the full version of one of the stories I had wanted to follow up with, but was too patchy as the result of being related by an incredibly stoned man to an incredibly stoned enby in 2013. I have a write-up going but I�m also digging out my entire lot to plant food and doing mutual aid stuff so it�s not a priority; probably in a week or so unless I wind up visiting the Portland or Eugene cool zones this week.

I WILL after I post this be emailing my story about him, select reactions, and the brilliant Fear and Loathing adaptation to him as soon as he texts me his loving address. He asked me to let everyone know he thinks his burnout name fucks and y�all are loving great

# ? Jul 13, 2020 17:54

canyoneer: Sep 13, 2005; I only have canyoneyes for you

Ataxerxes posted:

How about a historical idiot? Some very very remote ancestor of mine had a father-in-law, a captain in the army of Sweden. The father-in-law was put into court martial and shot for having given an order to shoot rebelling farmers, sometime in the 1690's.

17th century Swedish army officers had more accountability than 21st century American police officers

# ? Jul 13, 2020 17:59

Thoth!: Apr 28, 2014

Ataxerxes posted:

How about a historical idiot? Some very very remote ancestor of mine had a father-in-law, a captain in the army of Sweden. The father-in-law was put into court martial and shot for having given an order to shoot rebelling farmers, sometime in the 1690's.

A very immediate ancestor of mine bribed his alcoholic sergeant equivalent to write off his qualifications so he could escape his conscription term.

...couple decades later I ended up enlisting as infantry. I'm the idiot.

# ? Jul 14, 2020 00:56

Notahippie: Feb 4, 2003; Kids, it's not cool to have Shane MacGowan teeth

The wisdom teeth discussion in the current events thread reminded me of a weird as poo poo experience.

I got a vasectomy a couple of years ago, which they do with you awake. They gave me a valium to take the edge off, so I showed up at the Dr.'s office feeling pretty good and went in. The doc and his assistant came in and got me all set up and got to work on my balls. I'm lying there with my bare rear end on the bed and a blue curtain keeping me from watching them fix me, and the doc starts making conversation while chopping up my nut meats. He asked me what I do for work and I gave him the overview of my job which is defense policy research poo poo. He got all excited and told me about his daughter being a helicopter pilot in the 101st and how she's applying for some MA program at West Point. All of which was pretty standard. But then he goes:

"She asked me to read her application essay and give her comments, so I have it here with me. You mind taking a look at it?"

I can literally smell my burning nuts at this point because he's cauterizing something as he asks this.

So of course I say "uh, sure." After he's done he helps me up off the bed then hands me a printout and a pen and tells me that I have to sit still for 15 minutes in the recovery area, so I can read her essay and make comments on it then. Between the valium, the fact that I just had a bunch of knives in my junk, and the general wtf of the situation i have no memory of this essay at all or what I wrote on it, but I've always wondered whether he told the daughter what had happened.

# ? Jul 14, 2020 15:56

Vengarr: Jun 17, 2010; Smashed before noon

"I can literally smell my burning nuts" for next thread title please

# ? Jul 14, 2020 16:25

Mr. Nice!: Oct 13, 2005; bone shaking.
soul baking.

Vengarr posted:

"I can literally smell my burning nuts" for next thread title please

I didn�t have a shield up for mine and could see what was happening. The tool to cauterize the vas deferens looks like a soldering iron. And yeah, you can not only sed the smoke rise from your junk - you smell it, too.

# ? Jul 14, 2020 16:40

Melthir: Dec 29, 2009; I need to go scrap some money together cause my avatar is just sad.

I was out cold for mine. No burning nut smoke in my memory banks.

# ? Jul 14, 2020 16:49

CainFortea: Oct 15, 2004

I wasn't out cold for mine. I also didn't even get any kind of general sedative.

The doc also lost the tube on my right nut and had to go digging like he was searching for the lost city of loving atlantis.

# ? Jul 14, 2020 16:55

Milo and POTUS: Sep 3, 2017; I will not shut up about the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I talk about them all the time and work them into every conversation I have. I built a shrine in my room for the yellow one who died because sadly no one noticed because she died around 9/11. Wanna see it?

Makes you want to sing christmas songs

# ? Jul 14, 2020 17:30

Godholio: Aug 28, 2002; Does a bear split in the woods near Zheleznogorsk?

# ? Jul 14, 2020 19:55

Wild T: Dec 15, 2008; The point I'm trying to make is that the only way to come out on top is to kick the Air Force in the nuts, beart it savagely with a weight and take a dump on it's face.

I just got my referral approved for my vasectomy and this discussion is making my buddies retreat into my body faster than a polar bear plunge.

# ? Jul 14, 2020 20:28

rifles: Oct 8, 2007; is this thing working

I got a gum graft done when I was a teenager (from genetic weirdness, just never had much gum coverage in that spot) and the periodontist let me check it out with a hand mirror while they did it under local. It was pretty cool but man the scalpel they use looks like a tiny razor sharp garden hoe and when that poo poo went into my gumline oh boy.

# ? Jul 14, 2020 20:37

Notahippie: Feb 4, 2003; Kids, it's not cool to have Shane MacGowan teeth

Wild T posted:

I just got my referral approved for my vasectomy and this discussion is making my buddies retreat into my body faster than a polar bear plunge.

Other than the weirdness of having a dude up to his knuckles in my nutsack ask me to review an essay and about 24 hours of wanting to sleep and be sore, it was really a trivial procedure.

# ? Jul 14, 2020 21:20

Ugly In The Morning: Jul 1, 2010; Pillbug

When I get mine I�m gonna try to wear a P100 respirator half mask. If it can block out the smell of hoarder house, it can block out the smell of burning vas defrens.

# ? Jul 14, 2020 21:26

BIG HEADLINE: Jun 13, 2006; "Stand back, Ottawan ruffian, or face my lumens!"

You'd think there'd be no better application for nitrous than a vasectomy. Blocks out the smell and also makes you not give a poo poo.

# ? Jul 14, 2020 21:46

Ugly In The Morning: Jul 1, 2010; Pillbug

BIG HEADLINE posted:

You'd think there'd be no better application for nitrous than a vasectomy. Blocks out the smell and also makes you not give a poo poo.

Might laugh and make your balls move.

# ? Jul 14, 2020 22:03

CainFortea: Oct 15, 2004

BIG HEADLINE posted:

You'd think there'd be no better application for nitrous than a vasectomy. Blocks out the smell and also makes you not give a poo poo.

I mean, I got mine through a voluntary sterilization program put on by my state so I paid literally nothing, but I was a bit miffed that my request for some kind of sedative was met with "nah you'll be fine"

# ? Jul 14, 2020 22:15

Absurd Alhazred: Mar 27, 2010; by Athanatos

CainFortea posted:

I mean, I got mine through a voluntary sterilization program put on by my state so I paid literally nothing, but I was a bit miffed that my request for some kind of sedative was met with "nah you'll be fine"

# ? Jul 14, 2020 22:20

Vengarr: Jun 17, 2010; Smashed before noon

CainFortea posted:

I mean, I got mine through a voluntary sterilization program put on by my state so I paid literally nothing, but I was a bit miffed that my request for some kind of sedative was met with "nah you'll be fine"

# ? Jul 14, 2020 22:29

LtCol J. Krusinski: May 7, 2013; by Fluffdaddy

CainFortea posted:

I mean, I got mine through a voluntary sterilization program put on by my state so I paid literally nothing, but I was a bit miffed that my request for some kind of sedative was met with "nah you'll be fine"

Which state state has this program?

# ? Jul 14, 2020 22:34

bulletsponge13: Apr 28, 2010

CainFortea posted:

I mean, I got mine through a voluntary sterilization program put on by my state so I paid literally nothing, but I was a bit miffed that my request for some kind of sedative was met with "nah you'll be fine"

Tell me more about this.

# ? Jul 14, 2020 22:36

Icon Of Sin: Dec 26, 2008

at the new thread title.

# ? Jul 14, 2020 22:44

Melthir: Dec 29, 2009; I need to go scrap some money together cause my avatar is just sad.

If you can't you might have COVID

# ? Jul 14, 2020 22:56

Kith: Sep 17, 2009; You never learn anything
by doing it right.

New thread title is good.

Friend of mine requested "the other Steven story", so I wrote it up. Figured y'all would get a kick out of it, given how the first one went over.

quote:

Once again, our story takes place in Pensacola, circa �that awkward period between highschool graduation where you know you�re going to community college but not ready for it yet�, during a get-together at Blade�s house. To set the scene, the house is your standard pseudo-innawoods neighborhood home: large and flat structure, big-rear end yard in the front and back, lots of trees and broadly distributed houses. We typically gathered there to do nerd poo poo because A) we weren�t likely to get noise complaints due to the trees and physical distance between houses and B) we could easily fit two dozen people in and around the premises, which gave us plenty of room to get up to all kinds of dumb nerd mischief.

That particular evening, I had spent a lot of time chatting with Dustin. I liked Dustin a lot - he was an ENORMOUS weapon nerd, but he wasn�t a weeb or a hick like most other weapon nerds, so I could have a conversation with him without hearing about the Flawless Hanzo Steel that he picked up at a flea market or how much he wanted to gently caress his shotgun after shooting a deer. It also helped that he was a boxer, so he actually understood things like physical exertion and endurance instead of having an understanding of martial arts primarily informed by Warhammer 40k or Dragon Ball Z.

Anyway, that evening I was seeking Dustin�s wisdom on the finer points of blunt force trauma because the protagonist of the game I was working on used a baseball bat. Things were going pretty decent until Steven decided to wander over and inject himself into the conversation.

It�s important to keep in mind that this all happened post-�Max door hand bush car door�, so it was not a mystery to anyone (especially Steven) that he wasn�t one of my favorite people. However, I wasn�t interested in enduring a classic Steven Meltdown where he�d declare us all jerks and swear that he�d never hang out with us again, so I didn�t serve him an immediate �gently caress off, idiot� when he showed up like I usually did.

This was a mistake.

I don�t remember the exact details of the conversation (for reasons that will become obvious later), but basically: after we told Steven what we were talking about, he got it in his head that we were trying to decide who was the toughest by measuring how many hits it�d take to knock either one of us down. He proceeded to assert that he could easily knock down either one of us with a single hit.

Now, I feel it�s important that I take a moment to describe our hero: Steven was a ROTC moto fuckhead who did everything he could to stay out of trouble because more than three punishment pushups would give him the shakes for the rest of the day. By contrast, I was a 6�6� guy who just got off of a years� worth of highschool weightlifting courses and Dustin, as mentioned, was a boxer - and a pretty decent one at that. So we laughed, a lot, and Steven stomped away in a huff.

After we were done laughing, I turned back to Dustin to pick up our conversation again. About a minute later, I hear gravel crunching and Dustin goes �oh, what the gently caress?� I turn around to see Steven in his lovely sedan, with the lights off, cutting across the yard to roll up to us. I couldn�t even process what I was seeing, so I just stood there, hands spread in the universal sign language of utter confusion, hoping for some kind of explanation.

Until he tapped the gas and ran me over.

I don�t remember a whole lot about that period of time because, as it turns out, a sedan mounting you is the kind of thing that inspires you to fall down and hit your head. I remember the nose of the car coming halfway up my torso, my feet and chest hurting a lot, and reflexively trying to bench-press the bumper. I also remember Dustin producing a pistol and chanting �GETOUTTHECAR� at the top of his lungs several times, followed by the car slowly backing off of me (I�m told he flung Steven out of the driver seat by the neck, then moved it himself). I was gently helped up into a sitting position by several someones, and I heard someone else call for gramps to play Field Medic (a pretty common occurrence given all of the dumb poo poo we got up to, and a safe bet for medical care given his time spent in Korea). At some point, Steven whined about how it was �just a joke� and he �didn�t really run Max over� and other such bullshit, obviously upset that nobody was paying attention to him.

While gramps was getting mobilized, Dustin and some other folks focused on keeping my attention. The conversation I had with Dustin is about the only thing of the evening that I recall clearly.

�Jesus, dude. Are you alright? Can I get you anything?�
�some water would be nice� (to which someone responded �sure� and disappeared)
�We got you covered, man. Ice water on the way. Hospital?�
�maybe. chest hurts. i�ll ask gramps.�
�Good call, good call.�
�dust, i need a favor though�
�Name it, bro, I got you.�
�i need you to beat steven�s rear end for me.�

Dustin hadn�t even finished turning away before thundering �YO STEVEN, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.� What followed would�ve been hard to watch if it wasn�t so cathartic - Dustin would shout some variation of �What the gently caress were you thinking?� and follow up with a heavy slap when he inevitably didn�t like Steven�s answer. That went on for about three minutes until gramps asked them to keep it down so he could focus on putting me back together.

The resulting diagnosis was:
1 concussion
3 broken toes
1 bruised rib
Various bruises and abrasions associated with bottoming for a 1992 Saturn SL

Gramps recommended going to the hospital to be sure he didn�t miss anything, so I had someone call home to get a ride to the Naval Hospital ER that night. In true blue Military Healthcare tradition, I was prescribed 800 mg of Ibuprofen and told to gently caress off. I recovered a few weeks later with no complications. Unfortunately, Steven had shipped off to boot camp before I could have a personal discussion with him about this incident, but Dustin had handled that pretty well, so I wasn�t too broken up about it. And besides, I gotta hand it to him: Steven did manage knock me over in just one hit.

Kith fucked around with this message at 00:17 on Jul 15, 2020

# ? Jul 14, 2020 23:20

Time Crisis Actor: Apr 28, 2002; by Hand Knit

Man, gently caress Steven

# ? Jul 14, 2020 23:31

Bum the Sad: Aug 25, 2002; by VideoGames; Hell Gem

bulletsponge13 posted:

Tell me more about this.

He lives in Xinjiang. It's "voluntary."

# ? Jul 14, 2020 23:34

Memento: Aug 25, 2009; Bleak Gremlin

Wild T posted:

I just got my referral approved for my vasectomy and this discussion is making my buddies retreat into my body faster than a polar bear plunge.

I got a referral for one in 2015 and was chatting with some other dudes who had had their's done. One said "yeah I had the local and between the fishing around and the burning smell I kinda wish I had gone the general". So I checked, confirmed I was covered for a general, and booked that.

Also, gently caress Steven. Everyone knows someone like him, and they rarely get the rear end-beating they deserve.

# ? Jul 14, 2020 23:43

Vincent Van Goatse: Nov 8, 2006; Enjoy every sandwich.; Smellrose

Kith posted:

New thread title is good.

Friend of mine requested "the other Steven story", so I wrote it up. Figured y'all would get a kick out of it, given how the first one went over.

Jesus Christ

If you had told this story first I would've assumed he was an MP, not Intel, because he's clearly a psychopath.

# ? Jul 14, 2020 23:47

Kith: Sep 17, 2009; You never learn anything
by doing it right.

Memento posted:

Also, gently caress Steven. Everyone knows someone like him, and they rarely get the rear end-beating they deserve.

Dustin did a pretty drat good job. I'll be honest, I hated that dumb son of a bitch, but that beating got hard to watch after the first minute.

There wasn't a soul present that suggested he stop, though. Plus Steven wasn't at all welcome among the group anymore after that poo poo, so I'd say he got every bit of what he deserved.

Vincent Van Goatse posted:

Jesus Christ

If you had told this story first I would've assumed he was an MP, not Intel, because he's clearly a psychopath.

That's the thing, though - he wasn't a psychopath. He was just genuinely that loving stupid. He thought I would fit under the car and be uninjured except for maybe a bit of scuffing and everyone would laugh and it'd be a great joke and we'd be friends again because he outsmarted me and it was all in good fun.

Chaser that I forgot to add to the second story: my buddy asked around and Steven is currently on Wife #3. All three wives have had some common ground shared between them. Can you guess what it is?

They all work at the same "gentleman's club".

# ? Jul 15, 2020 00:26

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# ? Jan 24, 2025 14:48

CainFortea: Oct 15, 2004

bulletsponge13 posted:

Tell me more about this.

It's just a state funded medical care thing. It's part of a whole program of family planning assistance that also helps out with other birth control methods and education.

I don't live in china ya'all.

# ? Jul 15, 2020 00:59

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Internet VFW > Idiots Thread - Can't enlist if you are mentally ill, they want to do it themselves

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