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sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







Killer sneaks brawl

700 words, due 15 feb, 2359 pst

Something inspired by or drawing on: "kicking against the pricks"

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Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

portmp

Azza Bamboo
Apr 7, 2018


FPGP

Anomalous Blowout
Feb 13, 2006

rock
ice
storm
abyss



It makes no attempt to sound human. It is atoms and stars.

*


What's that, an interruption to your regularly scheduled whining for a brawl judgment? K.

First, some crits.


SurreptitiousMuffin - Le Viandier
Incredible opening line. Jimmy is wonderfully, easily detestable. The sudden interjection of Discord and DMs is wonderfully absurd considering the bogan pastiche. Your descriptions are vividly grotesque. The plot is clear and nicely telegraphed from the get-go but that didn’t dull my appreciation or enjoyment of reading it.

My only real issue is that your POV character, Sarah, is just sort of… there. The focus of the piece is on her brother, and even after he dies, we don’t learn a lot about her. Her kitchen has a Michelin star, but even that only comes up in dialogue. She’s run around cleaning up after her brothers her whole life, but who is she when not being compared to them/others?

I liked everything about this except the blank slatey protag, which is of course a tough thing to combat in flash fiction. But you spend so much time dwelling on the detestable twins that we never really get to see anything about her or even why she needed to be the POV character.


Captain Person - Untitled
I’m very amused by how many goons appear to have written stories for this brawl where jelly is only eaten by detestable people. Your narrator is a bit of a blank slate and the voice gets a little rambly/casual, but I like the way you introduce Charlie and I like the incredibly visceral descriptions of his gross rear end bedroom/car garbage. The line about the Countdown is gold.

Overall this is more of a nice vignette than an actual story, but it’s a tasty vignette and I liked it. The last paragraph is great. I think in order for this to take the brawlcrown there would have needed to be a bit more overt conflict between the characters. As-is, everybody just feels like a kind of passive disaster of a person trapped in their own filth. Perhaps that’s what you were going for. Either way, not a bad effort!


Cptn_dr - Lockdown
Oof, instantly relatable. I do what your protag does all the time! Your formatting is a bit bunged fyi, good to double-check these things before posting. All right, I’ve hit the ⅓ or so mark and I’m worried that apart from cancelled flights not a whole lot seems to be happening. You’ve had the strongest and most sympathetic protag of the bunch thus far so I’m hoping things get interesting for him soon!

OHO, they’re in LOCKDOWN now! This is getting exciting! I do think the initial cancellation sequence went on a little long, but you’ve got me hooked now. And… oh, bro. BRO. REALLY? You switch straight to a timeskip rather than focusing on how these people react to being put in sudden lockdown? Shame. Shaaame.

This was my favourite story right up until you took the most interesting bit, timeskipped over it, and then introduced more people waiting in airport terminals. Bad cptn_dr! Bad! You do so many things well here that I’m just so disappointed. There were the beginnings of creeping dread, some chances to drop weird emotional payloads, and you just sort of skim over it. By the time the action picks up again I’m more invested, but the weirdness at the end isn’t quite enough to make up for your grievous, grievous middle-act sins.


Sebmojo - Memory and Desire
Love the imagery in the opening line. Solid start! Holy poo poo, the narrative voice here is hysterical. I love the line about discarding one’s manhood. I worry that you’re leaning too hard on the extremely Sebmojo habit of writing a lot of clever words that only manifest a plot at the ¾ mark, but I’m reserving judgment because I like these goofuses so far. The one-liners are landing. “That’s a big swear” lol.

Around the midway mark and not a whole lot has happened though I am enjoying it on the prose level. You do good dialogue. I don’t need to tell you this. And--

Oh. It ended. That’s it. It just ended. WELL. This was a fun read but it needed a bit of conflict to claim the win, I’m afraid. I don’t know how much effort I want to waste critting the ending of this because ffs you know you copped out.


:siren: :siren: QUIVERING rear end in a top hat FOUR-WAY JELLY BRAWL RESULTS :siren: :siren:
This was honestly pretty tough to call. I liked aspects of every story and I am extremely entertained that none of you thought that jelly was a food to be eaten under pleasant circumstances. What does this say about our culture?

Sebmojo, you definitely had the most entertaining characters. Muffin, yours had the most delightfully stomach-churning prose. Captain Person, your story triggered me in the unironic sense of the word--it captured the bizarre trapped feeling of being stuck in a house with a demented hoarder very well.

But in the end, despite the mid-story belly flop, it was Cptn_dr whose protagonist grabbed me. Please note that this was an absolute skin-of-your-teeth win because that mid-story belly flop WAS HUGE, but the fact that I was so passionate in my dislike of it means that I had strong feelings about the goodness of your story to begin with.

Cptn_dr wins!

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006





Oh my goodness you idiots have had some stupid large wordcounts recently. As a response, I’m going to set this week’s limit to a whopping 500 words -- partially because you, no doubt, need the practice in trimming things up but maybe mostly because I love myself and my time. As for the theme, I want you to write me stories that could be included in a best man or maid of honor speech. Pretty simple stuff here really. I want stories that are short and sweet and maybe a little funny. If you haven’t been to a wedding before and/or you have absolutely no loving clue as to what would be appropriate to write, either use google or don’t participate. I'm not in the mood to be bummed out by your incompetence!

Just so we are absolutely clear: I don’t need an actual speech. I want a story that is short and sweet and maybe a little funny that could be used in a speech. And for the sake of brevity, you can safely assume I am intimately familiar with your characters already so don't feel obligated to include any background information like oh this is my brother this is my best friend yadda yadda yadda it's fine.

Deadline to sign up is Friday at midnight est. Deadline to submit is Sunday at midnight est. My deadlines, as always, are hard.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



proud father of the prompt
Tyrannosaurus, with arbitraryfairy, his guest

wedding party
Sebmojo
Doctor Eckhart
Azza Bamboo
Pththya-lyi
Thranguy
Saucy_Rodent
Carl Killer Miller
Sitting Here
Aesclepia
a friendly penguin
Armack
AstronautCharlie
Entenzahn
Anomalous Amalgam
Yoruichi
Antivehicular
... you?

Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 03:39 on Feb 8, 2020

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







yeah put me on the list don't sit me next to my psycho cousin tia

Doctor Eckhart
Dec 23, 2019

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2020

I’ll RSVP but you know I’ll turn up wearing something totally inappropriate.

arbitraryfairy
Feb 13, 2019



Keen to judge

I will bear the crits to the altar without losing them

cptn_dr
Sep 7, 2011

Seven for beauty that blossoms and dies



Hey.
Now, we like to have a good time here in the Thunderdome. It's all fun and laughs.

But I'm here, atop my jiggling throne, to talk about something that's not funny at all.

Identity Theft.

Sometimes, people go on the internet and pretend to be someone they're not. They post things that are completely out of character and write cheques that someone else's words have to cash. Is was okay this time, because obviously I'm the best at every word. But eventually, your word crimes catch up to you.

Hey, ArbitraryFairy.

Fight me.

arbitraryfairy
Feb 13, 2019



Ha. Without me, there would be no jiggling throne. I made you, and I can unmake you just as easily.

:toxx:

Antivehicular
Dec 30, 2011

I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving
And something has got to give



cptn_dr posted:

Hey.
Now, we like to have a good time here in the Thunderdome. It's all fun and laughs.

But I'm here, atop my jiggling throne, to talk about something that's not funny at all.

Identity Theft.

Sometimes, people go on the internet and pretend to be someone they're not. They post things that are completely out of character and write cheques that someone else's words have to cash. Is was okay this time, because obviously I'm the best at every word. But eventually, your word crimes catch up to you.

Hey, ArbitraryFairy.

Fight me.

arbitraryfairy posted:

Ha. Without me, there would be no jiggling throne. I made you, and I can unmake you just as easily.

:toxx:

I'll judge this thing. Your prompt is "the lake at the bottom of the ocean," which is the title of a lovely creepypasta that I think could be a better story in the hands of people who can actually write. Prove me right.

1200 words, due on Thursday the 13th, the spookiest day of the year. Toxx up, King Cap.

cptn_dr
Sep 7, 2011

Seven for beauty that blossoms and dies



Spooky bullshit is my favourite kind.
:toxx:

Azza Bamboo
Apr 7, 2018


In

SlipUp
Sep 30, 2006


Hey Anomalous Amalgam, we've got unfinished business. AA is a fitting nickname cuz you're gonna be anonymous when I'm done with you!

Brawl me.

SlipUp fucked around with this message at 14:07 on Feb 4, 2020

Pththya-lyi
Nov 8, 2009

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2020

Oh, I love weddings! In

Anomalous Amalgam
Feb 13, 2015

by Nyc_Tattoo


Doctor Rope

SlipUp posted:

Hey Anomalous Amalgam, we've got unfinished business. AA is a fitting nickname cuz you're gonna be anonymous when I'm done with you!

Brawl me.

You left me for dead when last we met, but I've become more powerful in that time. I'm sorry, but I'm going to leave you in the dirt covered with your own bad words.

It's time for ROUND 2

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Good. I am here for round 2.

Go forth, my lovelies, and craft me a story.

A story that, because it's so well written, I can smell it.

Take up to 2000 words and like until 2/19 at 11:59 Eastern.

If you want a flash song for inspiration, request a choice of four and I will supply that as well.

Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

Yes, the good words are gone.

Why are the good words gone?!




In

Saucy_Rodent
Oct 24, 2018

by Pragmatica


in

Carl Killer Miller
Apr 28, 2007

This is the way that it all falls.
This is how I feel,
This is what I need:




In

Pththya-lyi
Nov 8, 2009

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2020

E: VVV No problem, thank you for clarifying.

Pththya-lyi fucked around with this message at 21:05 on Feb 4, 2020

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

h

No story chat in the thread, go to discord or fiction advice.

Wee woo wee woo I'm the TD police apparently.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME







In

Aesclepia
Dec 5, 2013
Next verse same as the first.

Ooh, weddings! I'm in/

a friendly penguin
Feb 1, 2007

trolling for fish



In

Armack
Jan 27, 2006


In

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Chili posted:

Real quick: Game night on the 6th! We'll shoot for 8pm Pacific. All are welcome, new and old domers alike. We'll be in a Google Hangout. If you're interested/available shoot me a PM or find me in irc/discord to let me know. I'll want at least 5 people or so.

:siren: This is still a thing! Come play games with us! :siren:

AstronautCharlie
Jan 13, 2020

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2020

I'll expect my invitation in the mail

Anomalous Amalgam
Feb 13, 2015

by Nyc_Tattoo


Doctor Rope

Chili posted:

Good. I am here for round 2.

Go forth, my lovelies, and craft me a story.

A story that, because it's so well written, I can smell it.

Take up to 2000 words and like until 2/19 at 11:59 Eastern.

If you want a flash song for inspiration, request a choice of four and I will supply that as well.

:toxx: Can I get some inspirational song choices?

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Anomalous Amalgam posted:

:toxx: Can I get some inspirational song choices?

Yeeeep

The song chili can't stop listening to at the moment: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PY2FQ-LgmYo
The song chili's toddler keeps requesting at the moment (weird, I know): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LI_Oe-jtgdI
The song chili thinks is just, objectively, the best song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zYKupOsaJmk
The song chili wants more people to be aware of: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=slm3BcOqMlk

Make your pick soon! Your competitor can snipe you if they arrive first! Or, they can request another batch of four.

Anomalous Amalgam
Feb 13, 2015

by Nyc_Tattoo


Doctor Rope

Chili posted:

The song chili thinks is just, objectively, the best song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zYKupOsaJmk

Probably risky, but I've had a prehistoric persons story rooting around my noggin for a while so I'll take this one.

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why did you fail Thunderdome?


in :toxx:

Anomalous Amalgam
Feb 13, 2015

by Nyc_Tattoo


Doctor Rope

In

Yoruichi
Sep 21, 2017


Horse Facts

True and Interesting Facts about Horse




In

Antivehicular
Dec 30, 2011

I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving
And something has got to give



In.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



Guest list is closed. See ya at the rehearsal dinner.

Saucy_Rodent
Oct 24, 2018

by Pragmatica


The Legend of Cheaty Steve

After a long night of porkin’ broads who weren’t his girlfriend Tina, Cheaty Steve met with his bros for some brewskies at the local breakfast bar.

“What’s wrong, Cheaty Steve?” asked Bret, seeing his bro’s glum expression. “I thought having sex with many women without your girlfriend’s knowledge or permission was your favorite thing in the whole world.”

“Oh, it is,” said Cheaty Steve. “Cheating on my girlfriend is great, but I’m still hunting that white whale: cheating on my wife.”

“I know,” said Chet. “But I know you’ll find a wife to cheat on one day.”

“Why don’t you just propose to Tina and then cheat on her?” asked Brad, taking a swig of his brewsky.

“I would, but I don’t have a perfect way to reveal I’ve been cheating on her this entire time, thus hurting her feelings to my own amusement,” said Cheaty Steve.

The bros mulled over Cheaty Steve’s predicament, pausing only to give their waitress unsolicited compliments about her tits.

Suddenly, Chad’s face lit up. “I’ve got it!” he exclaimed. “Hear me out. What if you didn’t cheat on your wife?”

Cheaty Steve was so shocked that he sprayed brewsky all over his I <3 INFIDELITY T-shirt. After he regained his composure, he said, “Look, Chad, you are known to be the wisest among us bros, so I will give you the benefit of the doubt, but you know I’ve wanted to cheat on my wife since I was three.”

“What if instead of having sexual intercourse with other women after your marriage, what if you revealed yourself to be a cheater on the night of your wedding?” said Chad. “She’ll be so humiliated!”

“Hmmm...I like it,” said Cheaty Steve. “But how will I make my infidelious nature known to maximum hilarity?”

“Hey, I’m your best bro, out of all the bros,” said Brent. “I can tell everyone about your cheating ways during my best man speech!”

“Good idea!” said Chent. “And since I’ve been recording this conversation this entire time, as I do with all of our conversations, you can use the recording as proof of your misdeeds!”

“I love it!” said Cheaty Steve. “Then I can reveal that my real name is Cheaty Steve, and not the name I’ve been using with Tina, ‘Mark.’”

With the ultimate plan finally planned, the bros clinked their brewskies and high-fived repeatedly until their palms bled.

Tina lowered her sunglasses from the other end of the breakfast bar. She smiled so hard her fake moustache almost fell off. Her lifelong fetish was finally being sated. She just hoped that Mark would never know.

Saucy_Rodent
Oct 24, 2018

by Pragmatica


That’s 439 words btw

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Azza Bamboo
Apr 7, 2018


Pressure On Our Pals

497 words

What can I say about my homie, Macaroni? How about I tell you the story of how we came to be together today.

Every day, when we were roommates, Macaroni would curl his biceps at me. He’d say, “FEEL THESE.”

Al dente. Those are the words I'd use to describe the feel. He was a real hard man.

Right up until this one day, that is. I heard water tinkling upstairs. I thought something must have broken. I ran through the door, into our bathroom. It was the first time in my life I saw Macaroni running a bath. Not only that, he was adding salt and oil to the water.

Eventually I said, “bro, what’s this all about?”

The man jumped out of his shell, said, “Pepper, I don’t want any of this heat. I’m just having a little me-time.”

“Uh huh, okay,” I said. “Just don’t forget to put your nuts in a strainer on the way out.”

Right about an hour later he came downstairs in a starched shirt. I said, “Hold up, is something going on tonight?”

“drat, you got me, Pepper,” he said. “I’m meeting a grill tonight.”

“Spill the beans, then!” I said, “go on…”

“She dresses real sharp,” he said, “and she’s really mature.”

“But she’s way cooler than I am,” he said. “I don’t know if it’ll work.”

Now, some of you here might remember old man Crumbs, who lived in the back of the cupboard when Macaroni and I were still on the shelf. He had a long dusty beard, and would always sit in the corner, on his armchair. That evening he heard us talking.

He said, “Macaroni, I think you’ve gone soft.”

I was like, “yeah bro, he sounds cornier than me right now.”

Macaroni said, “no way, I’m still the toughest there is. I’ll show you two.”

So he’s out of the bathtub, in his shirt, heading toward this big ol dish. He opens his arms.

Macaroni yells, “hey Cheese, come on over!”

Cheese leaps into Macaroni. Macaroni slips. They crash onto the bottom of the dish in a pile of Macaroni Cheese mess. They’re laughing, Crumbs and I are laughing too.

But he then said, “You know, Cheese, you fill me up inside. Without you my whole life is hollow.”

Big respect to my homie, Macaroni. To come out with that, while we’re watching, it must be love.

I’m glad we could all be together today, except for Mr. Crumbs, who unfortunately pasta way. He did however want me to share some sage advice with you today.

"Take it from a dried up and mouldy old fool, don't half bake anything you do together, or you'll grow old and you'll come to rue the time you didn’t spend on one another."

And with that said, I have to cut this speech short with an exciting announcement:

Get your swimming clothes on, everyone, because we’re about to push through the anus.

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