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iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT



poo poo it's February and the old thread is still up. What the gently caress happened? Oh, we just haven't had the usual cavalcade of scandals to remind me what time of year it is. A good thing, I guess? I'm not really used to this....

Anyway, this is the NRL (and all rugby league I guess) thread, so post in here for live updates on games, news and views, the latest court reports and sentencing, and all your dog-fancy eroticism. We don't judge, except if you're a Roosters or Storm fan in which case you had better be OK with us calling you the c-word every 5 seconds when you're inevitably beating one of our teams (or most of the rest of the time).

For the uninitiated who've wandered in, welcome! First, very curious what about the thread title drew you in? It's not exactly a beacon of an exciting and fun sport... Anyhoo, your terrible life choices aside, let's get down to what we're about and who we support (also known as OUR terrible life choices). Rugby League is a fast-moving, violent and very skillful sport played mostly in England and Australia (in the good states) which only lasts 80-odd minutes so doesn't allow you to get too blind-drunk during play. Unlike American sports there aren't ads in play, although they are plastered over literally every surface possible and also frequently dropped into conversation by the commentators. It's our trade-off. We'll explain more about how it all works in a bit.

Settle in and Uncle iajanus will get you up to speed. Bathrooms are on the left, drinking fountains are on the right. Try not to get them confused.

Also we have a discord thingy now! It's at https://discord.gg/bqxDStt (if the link doesn't work let me know since copying and pasting is difficult to me).



Rugby League. The greatest game of all

After a wonderful year of trying to be more welcoming and friendly to newcomers in order to spread the love of the game (much like herpes on a Tinder date) we're finally a relaxing and welcoming experience for everyone (much like Rohypnol on a Tinder date)! Hopefully, through the prowess and play of our brilliant young athletes, you too will find yourself morbidly depressed regularly whilst you watch the usual suspects win yet another trophy (much like most people after a Tinder date, wait, did I stretch the metaphor too far?)!

RULES OF THE GAME
Like any sport, Rugby League has rules that govern how the game must go. Like all good sportsmen and women our fair-and-fabulous players always follow the rules, which I'll summarise below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvzUSmoY3sE

In this video, you'll see a few things being demonstrated. Rugby League works a lot like gridiron, but has 6 tackles rather than 4 downs. You also don't get a new set by advancing down the field, only by the other team touching the ball. Every time you get tackled you must play the ball, like in the video. At each tackle the defense must retreat 10m downfield, and the offence must be behind the spot of the tackle. You can also see in the video that the tacklers must give the tacklee some space to play the ball, and if they don't they'll be appropriately punished, as shown. Finally, you'll see the wonderful level of respect that the players have for the referees, who we value and love whether our team wins or loses. Respect is important!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3dRgjY3DT4



This is what our field looks like, although normally we'll get the excitement of more sponsors' markings on the field and sometimes the thrill of varying amounts of sand to make it feel like a day at the beach! Grass is just so boring when it's uniform, right?

To score points:

TRY


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_RaDAHACD4

Tries are the main way teams score points. The idea is to touch the ball to the ground on or behind the goalline, for which you're rewarded 4 points. Whilst this sounds simple, it can sometimes be very complex and hard to discern, so we have a brilliant Bunker system that will be called upon in nearly every circumstance to decide whether the player involved has been good or bad, and reward them with a try if they deserve it! The Bunker is a state-of-the-art technology which is always correct and is routinely lauded in the media for its incredible accuracy and consistency.

CONVERSION

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jjZuRTaBcI

As a bonus for scoring a try you are allowed to kick the ball through the posts, which will get you an additional two points. The kick is taken perpendicular to the point on the field you scored the try (you can take it back as far as you want), which rewards teams who use exciting and skillful play to score under the posts, rather than going for simple and low-effort tries in the corners.

PENALTY GOAL

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHZ5QD07rus

Very similar to conversions, except awarded when a player commits an offence. As Rugby League players are always fair and honest gentlemen this is extremely rare.

FIELD GOALS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kj5CUhVVgDg

The most skillful and exciting form of scoring points, requiring players to dropkick the bapppppll during ongoing play through the posts. As the degree of difficulty is so high, only the most talented proponents of the game dare attempt them, and only in the most extreme circumstances. Fittingly, for such an act of skill, the rewards are massive - one whole point!

POSITIONS

Each team in Rugby League consists of 13 specialised positions on the field, with 4 substitutes on the bench who, whilst equally talented, must wait to ply their trade. The team is seperated into backs and forwards, who each have general jobs to do on the field. Unlike gridiron, but like soccer, each player has the same ruleset - the positions are more to do with their basic tasks on the field.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MTUSJbbzxsA
Look I couldn't find any Beau Knows videos about the other positions because I'm doing this on a Tuesday at 9:34pm after putting my kid to sleep so get off my loving back I'm not getting paid for this you loving jackels
alexa remind me to take that out tomorrow


THE NRL



The premier rugby league competition in the southern hemisphere, consisting of only the most skillful teams from Australia and New Zealand (plus Newcastle, Wests and New Zealand). All of the teams have sordidstoried histories, which I'll get into in a minute, but you can rest assured that no matter who you root for you've got a great chance of both making the finals and competing for the big trophy at the end (except if you support Newcastle, Wests or New Zealand)! Most of the teams have won before (except New Zealand and lol Gold Coast), and because of the financial acumen of their stable boards and their wise and cunning coaching staff you can rest assured success is just over the horizon!

CLUBS

BRISBANE BRONCOS




Supporters: BlackShadow, BCR, GrunZicle, ili, Dirty Frank, Akileese, Airstream Driver, cpaf

New signings for 2020: Jesse Arthars (Titans), Jordan Kahu (Cowboys), Brodie Croft (Storm)

Contracted for 2020: Jack Bird, Darius Boyd, Patty Carrigan, Xavier Coates, Tom Dearden, Herbie Farnworth, David Fifita, Thomas Flegler, Alex Glenn, Payne Haas, Jamil Hopoate, Jamayne Isaako, Richie Kennar, Matt Lodge, Andrew McCullough, Anthony Milford, Corey Oates, Joe Ofahengaue, Sean O'Sullivan, Cory Paix, Keenan Palasia, Tevita Pangai Junior, Izaia Perese, Kotoni Staggs, Jake Turpin, Ilikena Vudogo

2020 Development contracts: Ethan Bullemore, Kobe Hetherington, Jordan Leigh, Fanitesi Niu, Pride Petterson

Unsigned 2019 players: George Fai, Patrick Mago, James Segeyaro

Losses: Troy Dargan (Rabbitohs), Shaun Fensom, Sam Tagataese & Matt Gillett (retired), Gehamat Shibasaki (Knights)

A storied club who hasn't been going through the best few years, recently. As the capital of Queensland they've been able to traditionally draw upon a plethora of Maroon Origin talent, but as a function of a) Queensland going to poo poo, and b) other teams existing for homesick Queenslanders to call home, they're not really able to boast the same threatening line-ups. You look at their team at the moment and see a lot of nobodies filling in the gaps, and as a line-up it doesn't really do anything except scream "mid-table". They might squeak into the finals, depending on how many Courier Mail stories they get to boost their spirits, but it's hard to see anything actually happening for them.

If they were a vehicle of some kind, what would they be? In reality it's a lovely, old and rusty ute, but you've convinced yourself it's actually an incredibly sophisticated machine full of exquisite parts that are the envy of much larger car manufacturers around the country. Truth be told, they think it's a bogan-mobile, but to be fair it's won a lot races in the past.

Last year: 8th

CANBERRA RAIDERS




Supporters: Burn Down Canberra, aejix, TheHeadSage's soft spot, garycoleisgod, BlindSite

New signings for 2020: George Williams (Wigan), Curtis Scott (Storm)

Contracted for 2020: John Bateman, Luke Bateman, JJ Collins, Nick Cotric, Jarrod Croker, Emre Guler, Siliva Havili, Josh Hodgson, Corey Horsburgh, Sebastian Kris, Dunamis Lui, Jack Murchie, Michael Oldfield, Charnze Nicoll-Klokstad, Josh Papali'i, Bailey Simonsson, Harley Smith-Shields, Sia Soliola, Tom Starling, Ryan Sutton, Joe Tapine, Elliott Whitehead, Jack Wighton, Sam Williams, Hudson Young

2020 Development contracts: Darby Medlyn, Andre Niko, Kai O'Donnell, Jarrett Subloo, Matt Frawley

Unsigned 2019 players: Reuben Porter

Losses: Aidan Sezer (Huddersfield), Joey Leilua (Wests Tigers), Jordan Rapana (rugby union), Brad Abbey, Ata Hingano, Royce Hunt (released)

So loving close to making us all happy and possibly either giving BDC a stroke or a neverending orgasm. In truth, while some people like to say one bad call in the Grand Final cost them the match, they just weren't quite experienced enough to close out the game. This is how you learn, apparently (it's not like my team ever gets near the loving finals so how would I know?), so they should be coming out hungrier than ever this year. Hell, they've got nearly all of the same team, and should be able to do a similar job.

However.

The Raiders are not exactly a team that screams "mentally all there" (much like their coach). They've oscillated all over the ladder for the last decade (7th, 15th, 6th, 13th, 15th, 10th, 2nd, 10th, 10th, 4th), and just when you think you've got a bead on them they'll collapse and bottom out. Which team will turn out this year? Only time, and BDC's blood pressure, will tell.

If they were a vehicle of some kind, what would they be? A rocketship to the moon (albeit one built by Elon Musk, so there's a good chance it might explode on the launchpad for no reason).

Last year: 4th (Grand Finalists, good on them!)


CANTERBURY-BANKSTOWN BULLDOGS




Supporters: Dumpstar, Hyperriker, 50% Of FlickingFire (the indecisive parts), Gobbledock, woofbro

New signings for 2020: Dean Britt (Rabbitohs), Joe Stimson (Storm), Sione Katoa (Panthers)

Contracted for 2020: Jake Averillo, Jack Cogger, Christian Crichton, Adam Elliott, Raymond Faitala-Mariner, Kieran Foran, Corey Harawira-Naera, Morgan Harper, Kerrod Holland, Will Hopoate, Josh Jackson, Lachlan Lewis, Jeremy Marshall-King, Nick Meaney, Marcelo Montoya, Dylan Napa, Ofahiki Ogden, Jayden Okunbor, James Roumanos, Chris Smith, Reimis Smith, Sauaso Sue, Isaiah Tass, Aiden Tolman, Renouf To'omaga, Brandon Wakeham, Dallin Watene-Zelenziak

2020 Development contracts: Matt Doorey, Tyrone Harding, Tui Katoa, James Roumanos, Sebastian Winters-Chang

Unsigned 2019 players: Kayne Kalache

Losses: Fa'amanu Brown, Danny Fualalo, Michael Lichaa, John Olive (all released), Connelly Leumelu (Cowboys)

Last year pretty much summed up the Bulldogs of the last few years. Lose to almost everyone, pick off a few joyous wins against the poo poo teams in the comp, and end up near the bottom of the ladder with a heap of late season wins to make everyone think you're doing better than you really are. On paper they've got an OK side, but when you actually pay attention their squad is full of names like Foran and Napa, who have a very good chance of being injured/suspended for most of the year while eating up a massive chunk of the salary cap. You look at their likely halves of Jack Cogger and Lachlan Lewis and it's hard not to think that, well yes, they certainly can make some plays happen, but are they really the two names who will lead this team away from the foot of the ladder? I'd be surprised.

If they were a vehicle of some kind, what would they be? Definitely a family sedan. Certainly a family sedan. No Nonna, it hasn't been lowered, that's just your eyes playing up. What do you mean you think it's got funny lights under the body and it looks like there's no tread on the tyres. That's just your imagination. This car only goes to church every Sunday and then to family dinner in the evening. Certainly it's never doing doughies in the industrial estate. No sirree.

Last year: 12th

CRONULLA SHARKS




Supporters: Lacklustre Hero, Big Steveo, elgarbo

New signings for 2020: Connor Tracey (Rabbitohs), Jesse Ramien (Knights). Cameron King (Featherstone)

Contracted for 2020: Blayke Brailey, Jayson Bukuya, Josh Dugan, Andrew Fifita, Wade Graham, Shaun Johnson, Sione Katoa, Will Kennedy, Billy Magoulias, Kayleb Milne, Josh Morris, Matt Moylan, Ronaldo Mulitalo, Briton Nikora, Scott Sorensen, Cruz Topai-Aveai, Chad Townsend, Brayden Trindall, Braden Hamlin-Uele, Jack Williams, Teig Wilton, Aaron Woods, Bronson Xerri

2020 Development contracts: Josh Carr, Jackson Ferris, Kyle Patterson, Daniel Vasquez, Jack A Williams

Unsigned 2019 players: Aaron Gray

Losses: Sosaia Feki (Castleford), Jayden Brailey (Knights), Kyle Flanagan (Roosters), Paul Gallen (retired), Kurt Capewell (Panthers), Matt Prior (Leeds)

The air is definitely coming out of the balloon. After shocking the world by actually winning something for once, they're slowly slipping down the ladder towards their rightful home near midtable. Shedding their established talent and then bringing in random over-the-hill injury-targets has not been the greatest recruitment strategy, and it may soon be time to start putting the light out for Harold Holt to come home. Moving away from their traditional home for the next two seasons can't help, considering the fetid swamp that is Shark Park is a good part of how they win games. There's always a good chance of someone at the club being caught on drugs (either illegal or performance-enhancing), so there's an outside chance they'll automatically "win" the spoon again.

If they were a vehicle of some kind, what would they be? Look, I'm a dad now, so I have to watch kids movies. That Cars one had the racecar that everyone laughed at because it was shithouse and then it came good and shocked everyone and if the metaphor holds completely it then got arrested for cocaine or some poo poo. I don't know, I drink a lot and zone out of those poo poo movies. If you wanted a better review go to a different forum you loving wankers wait what was I doing here

Last year: 7th

GOLD COAST TITANS




Supporters: oystertoadfish, Redeye Flight, Sojobo, Byolante

New signings for 2020: Jonus Pearson (Dragons), Greg Leleisiuao (Eels), Erin Clark

Contracted for 2020: Jai Arrow, Shannon Boyd, Tanah Boyd, AJ Brimson, Bryce Cartwright, Dale Copley, Darius Farmer, Moeaki Fotuaika, Keegan Hipgrave, Ryan James, Brian Kelly, Tyrone Peachey, Nathan Peats, Kevin Proctor, Mitch Rein, Tyrone Roberts, Phillip Sami, Treymain Spry, Sam Stone, Ash Taylor, Jarrod Wallace, Kallum Watkins, Jai Whitbread

2020 Development contracts: Kea Pere, Ioane Seiuli, Toby Sexton

Unsigned 2019 players: Jack Stockwell

Losses: Michael Gordon, Will Matthews (retired), Jesse Arthars (Broncos), Ryley Jacks, Brenko Lee (Storm), Leilani Latu (Warrington)

Having had the eternal backstop of the Knights removed (by them actually learning how to win a couple of games a year) the Titans have gotten back to their natural habitat of propping up the league. It feels a bit bad to pay them out too much since they're already such a cosmic joke, but only winning 4 games a year and finishing with a 11 game losing streak is only going to have one result. Looking at their (and I use the term loosely) signings, and the quality talent walking out the door, it's going to take a miracle for them to move in an upwards direction, but there's always a chance someone else will completely explode or get caught in a massive cheating or drug scandal and be given the spoon by default. As such, I guess we can say that mathematically there's a chance they won't come last, but I wouldn't be betting much money on it.

If they were a vehicle of some kind, what would they be? The burnt out husk of a wrecked car, lying half-submerged on a beach. The locals have already raided it for anything of value, so not even the most desperate person is going anywhere near it.

Last year: 16th

MANLY SEA-EAGLES




Supporters: The Deadly Hume, Crawfoot, Fanatic

New signings for 2020: Brayden Musgrove (Knights), Danny Levi (Knights)

Contracted for 2020: Morgan Boyle, Daly Cherry-Evans, Lachlan Croker, Cade Cust, Brendan Elliot, Manase Fainu, Addin Fonua-Blake, Tevita Funa, Reuben Garrick, Jack Gosiewski, Albert Hopoate, Sean Keppie, Luke Metcalf, Haumaole Olakau'atau, Brad Parker, Taniela Paseka, Toafofoa Sipley, Curtis Sironen, Sam Smith, Moses Suli, Jorge Taufua, Martin Taupau, Joel Thompson, Jake Trbojevic, Tom Trbojevic, Corey Waddell, Dylan Walker

2020 Development contracts: Jade Anderson, Abbas Miski, Zac Saddler, Josh Schuster, Keith Titmuss, Ben Trbojevic

Losses: Api Koroisau (Panthers), Lloyd Perrett (released), Trent Hodkinson, Kane Elgey (retired)

Talk about a rebound. From madly crashing through their own infighting and hubris in 2018, the team actually played somewhat to their potential in 2019 and did pretty well. They didn't get too far in the finals, but it's still a drat sight better than the 15th place they had the previous year. They've got a good home in Fortress Lottoland (or whatever garbage name it has this year), and if they can get their form to be slightly less inconsistent than last year they're a good shot of making some noise at the pointy end. We all hope that doesn't happen, though, because who wants to live in a world where loving Manly is doing well. I sure as gently caress don't.

If they were a vehicle of some kind, what would they be? They've managed to staple the wings back on the plane as it was nosediving and it's coming back up now, hopefully nothing happens to them as the pressure is pretty high up here...

Last year: 6th

MELBOURNE STORM




Supporters: piss explosion, Franko, I Love Sanchize, TheHeadSage

New signings for 2020: Ryley Jacks, Brenko Lee (Titans)

Contracted for 2020: Josh Addo-Carr, Nelson Asofa-Solomona, Jesse Bromwich, Kenny Bromwich, Sandor Earl, Tom Eisenhuth, Tino Fa'asuamaleaui, Dale Finucane, Harry Grant, Jahrome Hughes, Nicho Hynes, Cooper Johns, Tui Kamikamica, Felise Kaufusi, Max King, Isaac Lumelume, Cameron Munster, Justin Olam, Ryan Papenhuyzen, Marion Seve, Brandon Smith, Cameron Smith, Albert Vete, Suliasi Vuinvalu, Christian Welch

2020 Development contracts: Dean Ieremia, Kelma Tuilagai

Losses: Joe Stimson (Bulldogs), Billy Walters (Wests Tigers), Will Chambers, Solomone Kata (both rugby union), Curtis Scott (Raiders), Brodie Croft (Broncos)

Will they ever loving die? Their big names keep retiring, they just unearth new ones. They sell off decent players who turn into gumbies elsewhere, and the reverse happens to them. I've stopped trying to work out what the gently caress is happening down there, I just celebrate years like last year when I don't have to watch them on Grand Final Day. They'll be up the top again this year, just like they will be every year until climate change kills us all. We can all look forward to that day with anticipation of sweet release. Hell, this year they just went shopping at the Titans (which is the equivalent of buying formalwear from the hobos under the overpass), and they'll still probably slot in as matchwinners.

If they were a vehicle of some kind, what would they be? Whatever type of bus they use when they do those loving victory parades, since that's basically all they ever seem to do.
Last year: 1st (Minor Premiers)

NEWCASTLE KNIGHTS




Supporters: bowmore, Mackay, fuckpot, LuckySevens

New signings for 2020: Jayden Brailey (Sharks), Enari Tuala (Cowboys), Gehamat Shibasaki (Broncos)

Contracted for 2020: Mitch Barnett, Bradman Best, Phoenix Crossland, Herman Ese'ese, Beau Fermor, Lachlan Fitzgibbon, Tim Glasby, Aidan Guerra, Hymel Hunt, Brodie Jones, Josh King, David Klemmer, Edrick Lee, Mason Lino, Kurt Mann, Sione Mata'utia, Tautau Moga, Mitch Pearce, Kalyn Ponga, Nathan Ross, Daniel Saifiti, Jacob Saifiti, Pasami Saulo, Starford To'a, Connor Watson

2020 Development contracts: Matt Croker, Tex Hoy, Luke Huth, Jirah Momoisea, Nathanael Sasagi

Losses: Shaun Kenny-Dowall (Hull KR), Brayden Musgrove, Jamie Buhrer & Zac Woolford (all released), Slade Griffin & Nathan Ross (retired), James Gavet (Huddersfield), Jesse Ramien (Sharks), Danny Levi (Sea Eagles)

We're moving up the ladder! We're making intelligent hiring decisions and wait where's SKD going and who the gently caress is Gehamat? Oh who cares, we got out of the cycle of spoons and are now actually looking like we want to play football professionally again! The Knights are finally rewarding the idioticdevoted fans who've been showing up through the lean times by winning some games, and the mood of the whole town is improving. Note that I said mood, and not soccer or economy. Those are both beyond help. Having to deal with a team of nobodies has crafted a great core of experienced and hungry players, and, if anything, they actually underperformed last year. If they can actually win a few of the close ones this year they might keep improving!

If they were a vehicle of some kind, what would they be? Dad finally managed to get the engine working in the car that he told Mum "is totally an incredible sportscar that I got for a steal, don't worry about the rust or the fact it has no engine or wheels". Will it keep going into the sunset, or explode in a brilliant hue of divorce-letter red? Only time will tell!

Last year: 11th

NEW ZEALAND WARRIORSAUCKLAND VULCANS!






Supporters: Jono C, Ewar Woowar, Smorgasbord, Vagabundo, Thel

New signings for 2020: Wayde Egan (Panthers)

Contracted for 2020: Bunty Afoa, Leeson Ah Mau, Gerard Beale, Adam Blair, Lachlan Burr, Josh Curran, Jackson Frei, David Fusitu'a, Blake Green, Tohu Harris, Chanel Harris-Tavita, Peta Hiku, Patrick Herbert, Eliesa Katoa, Adam Keighran, Karl Lawton, Sam Lisone, Ken Maumalo, Taane Milne, Kodi Nikorima, Agnatius Paasi, Isaiah Papali'i, Hayze Perham, Adam Pompey, Nathaniel Roache, Jazz Tevaga, Roger Tuivasa-Sheck

2020 Development contracts: Tom Ale, Rocco Berry, Israel Ogden, Selesitino Ravutaumada, Tyler Shade, Paul Turner

Losses: Blake Ayshford (retired), Ligi Sao (Hull FC), Issac Luke (Dragons)

Well, there was a brief glimmer of hope in 2018 before it came crashing back to mediocrity in 2019. Back to the normal 13th place, with the typical hilarious brain farts and capitulations that we've come to expect from everyone's favourite Kiwis. The rotating door of coaches in the last decade surely hasn't helped, but an insistence on playing crazy Calvin-ball has kept on bringing the pain that's led their supporters to drinking problems and defections to Rugby (lol jk). With barely any incoming players and almost the same going out the door it's fairly safe to assume their fans are in for the same ride this time, but at least they'll have a new crop of 10 exciting jerseys to set fire to midway through the year when they realise they've got no hope of success.

If they were a vehicle of some kind, what would they be? Picture one of those old bombs that's been on Pimp My Ride. It's exciting. It's colourful. It's got spinnas on dem rims. It's also still a piece of garbage and it'll definitely be breaking down about 100m down the road. It'll look great doing so, though.

Last year: 13th

NORTH QUEENSLAND COWBOYS




Supporters: foolish fool, 50% of FlickingFire (the less-successful indecisive parts)

New signings for 2020: Valentine Holmes (NFL), Reece Robson (Dragons), Esan Marsters (Wests Tigers), Connelly Leumelu (Bulldogs)

Contracted for 2020: John Asiata, Jake Clifford, Ben Condon, Gavin Cooper, Reuben Cotter, Scott Drinkwater, Mitchell Dunn, Kyle Feldt, Tom Gilbert, Jake Granville, Wiremu Greig, Ben Hampton, Coen Hess, Peter Hola, Corey Jensen, Josh McGuire, Jordan McLean, Francis Molo, Michael Morgan, Justin O'Neill, Tom Opacic, Emry Pere, Dan Russell, Tukimihia Simpkins, Garrett Smith, Hamiso Tabuai-Fidow, Murray Taulagi, Jason Taumalolo, Shane Wright

2020 Development contracts: Benjamin Condon, Wiremu Greig, Garrett Smith, Hamiso Tabuai-Fidow

Losses: Matt Scott, Scott Bolton, Te Maire Martin (retired), Carlin Anderson, Nene Macdonald, Javid Bowen, Gideon Gela-Mosby, Kurt Baptiste (all released), Jordan Kahu (Broncos), Enari Tuala (Knights)

Jesus. That's some good recruitment work. Great names coming in the door. Who's leaving to make room for them? Oh. OK, that makes sense now. The Cowboys are a single state team (in their minds) with a legion of bumpkin fans who'll drive 10 hours to watch them lose. That's commitment. To reward that the team decided to specialise in heartbreaking losses all year. They had a ridiculous number of close matches, and if they could have converted them into wins it would have been an extremely interesting ladder. They didn't, though, and as such are in the phase that I like to call "loving sack everyone and buy someone expensive". Wonder how the NFL training will translate this time (lol that's a Hayne/Titans reference if you didn't get it)?

If they were a vehicle of some kind, what would they be? Are horses vehicles? I'm going with yes. This one's had a dozen straight close finishes out of the money positions, so the owner's decided to shoot it and get a shiny new horse. Will it be any better? I don't know, I've lived in cities my whole life. What the gently caress do I know about horses? They have legs and are made of glue or some poo poo. Anyways, they're related to Cowboys in some way.

Last year: 14th

PARRAMATTA EELS




Supporters: Saul Goode, Danoss, spacegoat

New signings for 2020: Reagan Campbell-Gillard (Panthers), Ryan Matterson (Wests Tigers)

Contracted for 2020: Daniel Alvaro, Waqa Blake, Dylan Brown, Nathan Brown, Andrew Davey, Haze Dunster, Kane Evans, Blake Ferguson, David Gower, Clint Gutherson, George Jennings, Michael Jennings, Oregon Kaufusi, Shaun Lane, Reed Mahoney, Mitch Moses, Marata Niukore, Stefano Utoikamanu, Ethan Parry, Junior Paulo, Jaeman Salmon, Maika Sivo, Will Smith, Ray Stone, Brad Takairangi, Peni Terepo

2020 Development contracts: Rhys Davies, Sam Hughes, Brock Lamb

Unsigned 2019 players: Josh Hoffman

Losses: Manu Ma'u (Hull FC), Tepai Moeroa (rugby union), Matt McIlwrick, Tim Mannah (retired), Greg Leleisiuao (Titans)

Finally starting to take advantage of a few years of quality purchasing and a core group of well-established talent, the Eels are quite a threat nowadays. Getting two free home thrashings each year against the Tigers is also a bonus, and they certainly cashed in last year. They've got an incredible new stadium that I want to see burned to the ground along with everyone inside it, and the future looks extremely bright. The only dark spot on the horizon is the Eels' famed ability to fall apart when it matters (such as by being smashed by the Storm in the 2nd week of the finals last year), but with even more excellent players coming in it's an exciting time to be living in Parramatta (which is a loving rare thing to say, which I feel comfortable saying as I am from there and lived in walking distance to the stadium for a good percentage of my life). If they can just play to their potential, they're an exciting team which you can sense is on the cusp of great things. Hopefully they'll be nice posthumous comments.


If they were a vehicle of some kind, what would they be? They were a pretty average car, but steady mechanical work and an awesome new bodykit have moulded them into a pretty exciting racecar that's starting to make some noise at the local meets. Just watch out for the driver, he's got a habit of occasionally steering right into a wall at the most inopportune times.

Last year: 5th

PENRITH PANTHERS




Supporters: Mootallica, Pig in the City

New signings for 2020: Api Koroisau (Sea Eagles), Kurt Capewell (Sharks), Zane Tetevano (Roosters)

Contracted for 2020: Caleb Aekins, Dean Blore, Shawn Blore, William Burns, Matt Burton, Jed Cartwright, Nathan Cleary, Stephen Crichton, Dylan Edwards, Kaide Ellis, James Fisher-Harris, Jack Hetherington, Mitch Kenny, Viliame Kikau, Spencer Leniu, Moses Leota, Jarome Luai, Josh Mansour, Liam Martin, Tyrone May, Braydon McGrady, Brent Naden, James Tamou, Brian To'o, Malakai Watene-Zelezniak, Dean Whare, Isaah Yeo

2020 Development contracts: Shannon Harris, Daine Laurie, Glenn McGrady

Losses: Reagan Campbell-Gillard (Eels), James Maloney (Catalans), Sione Katoa (Bulldogs), Wayde Egan (Warriors), Tim Grant & Sam McKendry (retired), Tyrell Fuimaono (Dragons), Nick Lui-Toso, Paea Pua, Hame Sele, Frank Winterstein (all released)

The reverse of Parramatta. They _had_ a great built team, with a wonderful structure and both an excellent forward pack and backline. Then they decided to put all their money on a Cleary family reunion, and hilariously inherited all the bad play that the Tigers had managed to infect Cleary Snr with in his short tenure. A woeful 2-8 start set them up for failure, and even a decent midseason couldn't pull them out of the fire. They've lost a wealth of talent in the offseason, so it looks like they're heading for a world-famous Cleary rebuild, with the obvious exception of Cleary Jnr who'll never get sacked (even if he fucks the coach's wife, although that might raise some awkward conversation at the dinner table at home). It's not hard to imagine they're in for a rebuilding year, which (as a Tigers fan who holds grudges) I have no loving problem with.

If they were a vehicle of some kind, what would they be? A great little battle tank, which had been custom designed for speed and power. Of course, someone decided to kick out the tank commander and put in the guy who designed the main cannon, even though he had shown no ability to drive a tank. He's now stripping out every other carefully chosen piece, but the big cannon is still there (just being held in by string and prayers now). Wonder how well it fights now?

Last year: 10th

ST GEORGE-ILLAWARRA DRAGONS


ditto the broncos jersey poo poo

Supporters: heladocasero, Gregorio

New signings for 2020: Issac Luke (Warriors), Trent Merrin (Leeds), Brayden Wiliame (Catalans), Tyrell Fuimaono (Panthers)

Contracted for 2020: Euan Aitken, Eddie Blacker, Jack de Belin, Matt Dufty, Jackson Ford, Tyson Frizell, James Graham, Jacob Host, Ben Hunt, Tim Lafai, Josh Kerr, Blake Lawrie, Zac Lomax, Joe Lovodua, Cameron McInnes, Corey Norman, Jordan Pereira, Mikaele Ravalawa, Jason Saab, Tristan Sailor, Korbin Sims, Tariq Sims, Paul Vaughan

2020 Development contracts: Mathew Feagai, Max Feagai, Hayden Lomax, Shaun Sauni-Esau, Jayden Sullivan, Adam Clune

Unsigned 2019 players: Lachlan Timm

Losses: Gareth Widdop (Warrington), Reece Robson (Cowboys), Jeremy Latimore (retired), Mitch Allgood, Jai Field, Patrick Kaufusi, Lachlan Maranta, Darren Nicholls (released), Steven Marsters (Rabbitohs), Luciano Leilua (Wests Tigers), Jonus Pearson (Titans)

The poster-child for underperforming teams. They had Widdop, Aitken, de Belin (lol), Frizell, Graham, Hunt (double lol), Norman and Sims. How the gently caress do you turn that into 2nd last? By having the most insipid gameplans ever seen outside the Gold Coast. Every week the team found new and exciting ways to completely piss away any hope of scoring points, while having paper-thin defence and a non-existent tackling ability. I'm fairly sure that Sydney FC have scored more times at Jubilee than the Dragons have. They've certainly won more times there. Anyway, they've cleaned house this year, so it's hard to get a bead on them - they really should be better than they were, but their coach is still a toadstool so I don't really hold out hope. I also don't give a flying gently caress about one half of the "pride of the league/everyone's 2nd favourite team/spirit of the game/most successful team ever" so they can loving die in a fire for all I care.

If they were a vehicle of some kind, what would they be? A beautiful new luxury yacht that mysteriously sinks whilst not even trying to go anywhere. We've replaced the entire hull this year, so I'm sure it'll float better (although lol at testing anything or even measuring the new parts to see if they'll fit).

Last year: 15th

SOUTH SYDNEY RABBITOHS




Supporters: Mills, Penguin Radar, Antitonic, SeekOtherCandidate, Nimmy

New signings for 2020: Troy Dargan (Broncos), Edene Gebbie (Wynnum Manly), Bryson Goodwin (Warrington), Jaxson Paulo (Titans), Steven Marsters (Dragons), Jaxson Paulo (Titans), Latrell Mitchell (Roosters)

Contracted for 2020: Corey Allan, Tom Amone, Tom Burgess, Braidon Burns, Damien Cook, Joshua Cook, Cory Denniss, Kurt Dillon, Dane Gagai, Campbell Graham, Dean Hawkins, Alex Johnston, Liam Knight, Keaon Kolomatangi, Ethan Lowe, Cameron Murray, Mark Nicholls, Adam Reynolds, James Roberts, Ky Rodwell, Bayley Sironen, Jaydn Su'A, Tevita Tatola, Cody Walker

2020 Development contracts: Brock Gardner, Edene Gebbie, Jack Johns, Jaxson Paulo

Unsigned 2019 players: Billy Brittain, Jacob Gagan, Mawene Hiroti, Kyle Turner

Losses: Dean Britt (Bulldogs), George Burgess (Wigan), Connor Tracey (Sharks), Sam Burgess, John Sutton & Greg Inglis (all retired), Adam Doueihi (Wests Tigers)

As much as I hate to say it, the Bunnies have been pretty consistently good for the last decade. They're slowly getting rid of all their Burgesses, they're starting to get in on the Roosters Salary Sombrero game, and they've got a well-rounded squad with depth and talent. At least they've still got the classic Souths knack of loving up at the last hurdle. The PRIDE OF THE LEAGUEtm is going strong, so everyone get your vomit bags if they keep going as is. Hopefully they'll regress inexplicably back to the bottom of the table rabble they used to be. We can but pray.

If they were a vehicle of some kind, what would they be? A classic and majestic schooner, covered in accolades and deckhands pointing out said accolades. With any luck they'll hit some abandoned WW2 mines or some poo poo and we can all laugh.

Last year: 3rd

SYDNEY ROOSTERS




Supporters: Ribbo, Apollodorus, Green Eggs and Sam

New signings for 2020: Kyle Flanagan (Sharks)

Contracted for 2020: Mitch Aubusson, Fletcher Baker, Egan Butcher, Nat Butcher, Lindsay Collins, Boyd Cordner, Angus Crichton, Poasa Faamausili, Jake Friend, Ryan Hall, Matt Ikuvalu, Luke Keary, Asu Kepaoa, Lachlan Lam, Isaac Liu, Joey Manu, Brett Morris, Victor Radley, Billy Smith, Siosiua Taukeiaho, James Tedesco, Christian Tuipulotu, Daniel Tupou, Sitili Tupouniua, Jared Waerea-Hargraves

2020 Development contracts: Luca Moretti, Daniel Suluka Fifita, Christian Tuipulotu

Unsigned 2019 players: Bernard Lewis

Losses: Cooper Cronk (retired), Zane Tetevano (Panthers), Latrell Mitchell (Rabbitohs)

gently caress yeah! A year without them in the Grand Final, or even anywhere near it! A year without having to watch their fuckwit fans lord over all of us with their lovely colours! It's so wonderful this must be a dreaaaaaaaa.....

gently caress.

Yeah, it didn't happen. The cuntscocks won it again. They'll probably be in yet another two-horse race with the Storm for the whole year, as they always are. I can't even be bothered to pretend I have any optimism that their seemingly endless spending won't buy them another title. Hopefully a meteorite takes out Moore Park or something. We can but pray.


If they were a vehicle of some kind, what would they be? I don't pay attention to F1 but whatever the cars that win every loving year that everyone hates. Those ones. They're cunts too.

Last year: 2nd (Premiers, please kill me)

WESTS TIGERS




Supporters: iajanus, Contra Duck, Abalone Malone, Gorbash, emjayelle, MacDougall, Minisune

New signings for 2020: Billy Walters (Storm), Luciano Leilua (Dragons), Zane Musgrove (held over from 2019), Joey Leilua (Raiders), Adam Doueihi (Rabbitohs)

Contracted for 2020: Josh Aloiai, Luke Brooks, Michael Chee-Kam, Oliver Clark, Matt Eisenhuth, Luke Garner, Robert Jennings, Chris Lawrence, Jacob Liddle, Benji Marshall, Moses Mbye, Sam McIntyre, Chris McQueen, Thomas Mikaele, Paul Momirovski, David Nofoaluma, Russell Packer, Josh Reynolds, Alex Seyfarth, Dylan Smith, Tommy Talau, Elijah Taylor, Corey Thompson, Alex Twal

2020 Development contracts: Kane Bradley, Zac Cini, Reece Hoffman, Jock Madden, Jake Simpkin

Losses: Mahe Fonua (Hull FC), Robbie Farah, Ben Matulino & Robbie Rochow (retired), Esan Marsters (Cowboys), Ryan Matterson (Eels)

OK, we'll get the obvious out of the way. Yet another 9th place finish. Everyone's hopes were built up only to be dashed against the rocks of the inevitable failure that is Tiger supportership. All very funny. Some of us may have even flown interstate for a day trip to Leichhardt only to watch them completely capitulate against a team they only had to beat to make the finals.

Right-o.

Last year was a typical Tigers year, filled with great wins, heart-breaking losses, and complete capitulations against teams they should have romped home over. Now the bus has well and truly been abandoned the team is starting to coalesce around the vision of the new coach, and with some sensible new signings they seem to be actually building some sort of logical attacking/defensive structure. Will it be enough to get the one win that eludes them every year to make the final? Will iajanus finally have a stroke watching them fumble for no reason for the millionth time? Will BJ Leilua ever lose 1kg and fulfil his potential as a destructive weapon? Find out in 2020, otherwise known as "loving hell, will Benji ever loving retire or will he still be failing to throw flick passes when he's 50.

If they were a vehicle of some kind, what would they be? Picture a reliable, mid-tier sportscar. It's got decent handling, an undersized but efficient engine, and pretty good looks. Now picture a timebomb in the passenger seat. You can drive it as well or as badly as you want, but deep-down you know it'll blow up at some point. Amazingly, though how you don't know, the timer is set to explode exactly 100m from the finish line, and precision-designed to make sure you slide to a halt exactly 1m short of glory. Now picture this being every car you ever buy for the rest of your life.

Last year: 9th (hahahahahaha I didn't need to update that this year, as always!)



ERRATA

NORTH SYDNEY OR POSSIBLY PERTH? BEARS



People who still brilliantly hold memberships: aejix, iajanus, quite a few other geniuses

Look I went to school in North Sydney so I'm duty-bound to love them. What's the excuse for the rest of you other morons?

And for our fans of equally awesome northern hemisphere football... here be the details (ps someone please send me a rundown of the teams etc and I'll put them in here)

As always, if you want your name attributed to your millstone/team please let me know. If I've hosed anything up, please let me know too (I've got a very young bub and I'm doing this poo poo at night in Notepad so I don't have a loving clue if I've hosed up somewhere, although as a Tigers fan I know I definitely have somewhere).

iajanus fucked around with this message at 10:51 on Aug 21, 2020

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ili
Jul 26, 2003

AI CUNT CREW FOUNDING MEMBER
there's a certain depth in things like "The fucken dealership cross threaded my bash plate bolts and hit em with the rattle gun, it was an absolute cunt of a job to get them off again" that you just don't get with other words.



Thanks mate, fair bit of work there. Here's a jersey photo to use for us this year.

Antitonic
Sep 24, 2011

Invented By Gandhi

Your OPs are always a joy to read, iajanus.

Vagabundo
Mar 20, 2007

Donncha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
Donncha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?


The Warriors are not a car that'll break down 100m down the road. They'll manage it well before that.

Jono C
Mar 28, 2007

Adam is a wonderful example of how a player should go about his business in the NRL


Vagabundo posted:

The Warriors are not a car that'll break down 100m down the road. They'll manage it well before that.

We're solidly hosed until we can get Adam Blair and Blake Green off our books.

iajanus- great work as always with the OP.

Vagabundo
Mar 20, 2007

Donncha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
Donncha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?


Oh yeah, I have zero expectations this year. I'd say they'd have done well to make the play-offs, regardless of how deep into it they get.

Rastor
Jun 2, 2001



Thanks iajanus

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


Vagabundo posted:

The Warriors are not a car that'll break down 100m down the road. They'll manage it well before that.

Look I'm trying to be nicer in my old age

aejix
Sep 18, 2007

It's about finding that next group of core players we can win with in the next 6, 8, 10 years. Let's face it, it's hard for 20-, 21-, 22-year-olds to lead an NHL team. Look at the playoffs.

That quote is from fucking 2018. Fuck you Jim


Pillbug

Solid OP. Bring on the rugby loig

aejix
Sep 18, 2007

It's about finding that next group of core players we can win with in the next 6, 8, 10 years. Let's face it, it's hard for 20-, 21-, 22-year-olds to lead an NHL team. Look at the playoffs.

That quote is from fucking 2018. Fuck you Jim


Pillbug

Photo quality is atrocious but mate of mine got his annual Parra calendar and literally the ONLY 'key date' highlighted isn't public holidays, not the Easter show, not bank holidays... But dole day.



(Bottom left in extremely tiny writing)

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


aejix posted:

Photo quality is atrocious but mate of mine got his annual Parra calendar and literally the ONLY 'key date' highlighted isn't public holidays, not the Easter show, not bank holidays... But dole day.



(Bottom left in extremely tiny writing)

Story checks out

MiniSune
Sep 16, 2003

Smart like Dodo!

Eternally 9th brother.

garycoleisgod
Sep 27, 2004
Boo

1 Sydney Roosters
2 Melbourne Storm
3 South Sydney Rabbitohs
4 Brisbane Broncos
5 North Queensland Cowboys
6 Manly Warringah Sea Eagles
7 Parramatta Eels
8 Cronulla-Sutherland Sharks
9 Wests Tigers (then, now, forever)
10 Canberra Raiders
11 Newcastle Knights
12 Penrith Panthers
13 New Zealand Warriors
14 Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs
15 St. George Illawarra Dragons
16 Gold Coast Titans

As is footy fan tradition this is my scientific prediction of the ladder at seasons end. My main reasoning is the Cocks, Storm, Souths and Brisbane will probably do well, the Titans are poo poo, the Dragons are coached by Mary and everyone else is ?, they could be good or they could be poo poo so who loving knows? You could honestly just re-order everyone from 5-14 in my list and it would be just as accurate. Raiders could go all the way this year, could miss the finals, I don't know but I'm not optimistic.

Apollodorus
Feb 13, 2010

TEST YOUR MIGHT


Maybe I'll get drunk enough this weekend to research and type out the effortpost to end all effortposts and write up the Super League (already in week 3) for y'all. Or...maybe I'll research and type out my actual scholarly expertise and stop wasting time on this dying forum.

Either way, Leeds will disappoint me for yet another year I'm sure.

bowmore
Oct 6, 2008




Lipstick Apathy

Read semi-positive Knights OP description and was very confused

bowmore
Oct 6, 2008




Lipstick Apathy

garycoleisgod posted:

1 Sydney Roosters
2 Melbourne Storm
3 South Sydney Rabbitohs
4 Brisbane Broncos
5 North Queensland Cowboys
6 Manly Warringah Sea Eagles
7 Parramatta Eels
8 Cronulla-Sutherland Sharks
9 Wests Tigers (then, now, forever)
10 Canberra Raiders
11 Newcastle Knights
12 Penrith Panthers
13 New Zealand Warriors
14 Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs
15 St. George Illawarra Dragons
16 Gold Coast Titans

As is footy fan tradition this is my scientific prediction of the ladder at seasons end. My main reasoning is the Cocks, Storm, Souths and Brisbane will probably do well, the Titans are poo poo, the Dragons are coached by Mary and everyone else is ?, they could be good or they could be poo poo so who loving knows? You could honestly just re-order everyone from 5-14 in my list and it would be just as accurate. Raiders could go all the way this year, could miss the finals, I don't know but I'm not optimistic.
Move the Sharks and Cowboys out of the 8 and Knights and Canberra into the 8 and that's pretty much my ladder prediction

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


bowmore posted:

Read semi-positive Knights OP description and was very confused

After writing their pre-season obituaries for a decade it was very strange to be feeling positive about them

Contra Duck
Nov 4, 2004

#1 DAD


Nap Ghost

MiniSune posted:

Eternally 9th brother.

Fanatic
Mar 9, 2006



Nice OP and hopefully Manly does well this year because everybody wants to live in a world where Manly do well.

Smorgasbord
Jun 18, 2004

Our review identified changes needed to be made and, in Stephen, we have a coach who has a reputation for demanding the highest standards.


So the Nines are on this weekend, starting soon

Burn Down Canberra
Oct 27, 2005

GAME PLANS? We don't need no stinking game plans.



Raiders stink and will fail

But its good the footballs back.

bowmore
Oct 6, 2008




Lipstick Apathy

who’s watching the 9s?

Smorgasbord
Jun 18, 2004

Our review identified changes needed to be made and, in Stephen, we have a coach who has a reputation for demanding the highest standards.


bowmore posted:

who’s watching the 9s?

Warriors start 2020 with the Women forgetting to bring their jerseys

Burn Down Canberra
Oct 27, 2005

GAME PLANS? We don't need no stinking game plans.



bowmore posted:

who’s watching the 9s?

Me

The nz warriors womens team left their jersey at the hotel lmao. Have to wear the mens kit

MiniSune
Sep 16, 2003

Smart like Dodo!

bowmore posted:

who’s watching the 9s?

Me.

Bevarge is at hand.

Men's jerseys is rubbing off. That last dropped ball after a monster kick.

MiniSune fucked around with this message at 08:14 on Feb 14, 2020

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


Question 1

Why the gently caress did the nrl decide to start the 9s mid afternoon on a Friday?

Question 2

Why the gently caress is it on Friday and Saturday rather than Sunday?

Question 3

Who the gently caress thought it was a good idea to start this on Valentine's Day, when a heap of guys will get castrated for taking their partners to the footy instead of other plans?

MiniSune
Sep 16, 2003

Smart like Dodo!

Peak warriors knows no gender.

bowmore
Oct 6, 2008




Lipstick Apathy

iajanus posted:

Question 1

Why the gently caress did the nrl decide to start the 9s mid afternoon on a Friday?

7:30 isn’t mid afternoon

MiniSune
Sep 16, 2003

Smart like Dodo!

bowmore posted:

7:30 isn’t mid afternoon

It's in WA.

Penrith are up for this.

MiniSune fucked around with this message at 08:39 on Feb 14, 2020

Burn Down Canberra
Oct 27, 2005

GAME PLANS? We don't need no stinking game plans.



I know there are mitigating circumstances but the roosters team is pretty bad

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


bowmore posted:

7:30 isn’t mid afternoon

Wonder what the time is for the people (not) at the games

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


Without checking, is this stadium owned by the same people who own the Melbourne one with the same seats?

Burn Down Canberra
Oct 27, 2005

GAME PLANS? We don't need no stinking game plans.



They should have replaced the roosters with like a WA one or something. Its ridiculous that they are supposed to field a team while the squad is in europe for the wcc

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


loving dirty hit at the death there

MiniSune
Sep 16, 2003

Smart like Dodo!

iajanus posted:

Without checking, is this stadium owned by the same people who own the Melbourne one with the same seats?

It's where the glory play isn't it?

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


MiniSune posted:

It's where the glory play isn't it?

Yeah I think so

The seats are just identical.

MiniSune
Sep 16, 2003

Smart like Dodo!

Warriors playing like Tigers

Smorgasbord
Jun 18, 2004

Our review identified changes needed to be made and, in Stephen, we have a coach who has a reputation for demanding the highest standards.


Yeah I don't think I need to bother with this tournament.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


Hey Knights fans

The tigers won the equivalent comp the year before we won the premiership last decade

You guys look awesome

BUILD UP SOME FALSE HOPE

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MiniSune
Sep 16, 2003

Smart like Dodo!

Parra fans went real silent in our work chat.

Good game.

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