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Yoruichi
Sep 21, 2017


Horse Facts

True and Interesting Facts about Horse




:horse: THUNDERDOME WEEK FOUR FOUR FOUR: LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY HORSE :horse:



Ha! I won again! Hooray for me! And hooray for you! Because this week you are getting another writing exercise + horse thing prompt.

This week you will focus on character. Your challenge this week is to write a convincing and memorable protagonist. Make your reader feel like they really get to know who the protagonist is and how they tick. Think about what they like, what they want, how they talk and move, what sort of objects they choose to surround themselves with, etc. If you like writing vignettes or otherwise not having a traditional plot then this is your week.

Your protagonist will be inspired by a horsesona created by one of your fellow Thunderdomers. This is how it's going to work:

1) Go to this website and create a horsesona. There's a random generator if you're a lazy bum.
2) Sign-up, and post a screenshot of your most excellent horse friend.
3) Wait in eager anticipation for the next person to sign-up. The horsesona they post is the inspiration for your protagonist.
4) Write good words.

The last person to sign-up gets the horsesona posted by the first person to sign-up, hence the earlier than usual sign-up deadline. If you sign-up late I will give you a horse using the random generator.

Do you want a flashrule? If yes, you may request any or all of:
- a randomly generated horse to use as a second character
- where your story is set
- the first song lyric that pops into my head.

Do you want a hellrule? If yes, you are a maniac, but I will happily hand out random nonsense if you so desire it.

God help me if any of you choose to literally write about horses.

Word limit: 900 words.

Deadlines:
- Sign-ups by 9am Saturday in NZ (12 hours earlier than usual).
- Submission by 9pm Monday in NZ (midnight Sunday PST).

Trainers
- Me
- Sebmojo
- Curlingiron

Noble steeds:
1. toanoradian :toxx: (Everyone has eyes made of literal fire)
2. Idle Amalgam :toxx: (Your story is a palindrome)
3. Thranguy (There's a fire starting in my heart, Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark)
4. brotherly (When I was a young boy, My father took me into the city, To see a marching band)
5. Simply Simon (Your story takes place in a labyrinth + The labyrinth is sentient)
6. Azza Bamboo
7. Lily Catts
8. sparksbloom (I got this feeling on the summer day when you were gone, I crashed my car into the bridge, I watched, I let it burn)
9. Chairchucker (Your story takes place in a wildlife reserve)
10. Mercedes
11. Casual Encountess
12. Crabrock

Yoruichi fucked around with this message at 01:50 on Feb 6, 2021

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toanoradian
May 30, 2011


...I didn't expect that prompt. In.

Enjoy this horse, lucky sod.

Only registered members can see post attachments!

Idle Amalgam
Mar 7, 2008

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2021



In

Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

Yes, the good words are gone.

Why are the good words gone?!






In. I'll take a flash lyric too.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk









im judge this, toxx for hellrules if you have the stones

toanoradian
May 30, 2011


sebmojo posted:

im judge this, toxx for hellrules if you have the stones

:toxx: for hellrules.

Yoruichi
Sep 21, 2017


Horse Facts

True and Interesting Facts about Horse




Thranguy posted:

In. I'll take a flash lyric too.

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk









toanoradian posted:

:toxx: for hellrules.

Everyone has eyes made of literal fire

brotherly
Aug 20, 2014

DEHUMANIZE YOURSELF AND FACE TO BLOODSHED




In and also lyrics flash please

Simply Simon
Nov 6, 2010

📡scanning🛰️ for good game 🎮design🦔🦔🦔


Sure, you and your writing exercises!



Give me a location flash and a hellrule

Simply Simon fucked around with this message at 11:59 on Feb 2, 2021

Azza Bamboo
Apr 7, 2018


IN

Idle Amalgam
Mar 7, 2008

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2021



:toxx: for hell

Yoruichi
Sep 21, 2017


Horse Facts

True and Interesting Facts about Horse




brotherly posted:

In and also lyrics flash please

When I was a young boy
My father took me into the city
To see a marching band

Yoruichi
Sep 21, 2017


Horse Facts

True and Interesting Facts about Horse




Simply Simon posted:

Give me a location flash

Your story takes place in a labyrinth.

Simply Simon posted:

and a hellrule

The labyrinth is sentient.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk










Your characters are products on a shelf in a shop

Yoruichi
Sep 21, 2017


Horse Facts

True and Interesting Facts about Horse





Your story is a palindrome.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk









Yoruichi posted:

Your story is a palindrome.

Too slow :clint:

Yoruichi
Sep 21, 2017


Horse Facts

True and Interesting Facts about Horse




A truly brave soul would use them both

Lily Catts
Oct 17, 2012

Show me the way to you
(Heavy Metal)


I'm in.

sparksbloom
Apr 30, 2006




i'm in and I'll take a flash lyric

Yoruichi
Sep 21, 2017


Horse Facts

True and Interesting Facts about Horse




sparksbloom posted:

i'm in and I'll take a flash lyric


I got this feeling on the summer day when you were gone
I crashed my car into the bridge, I watched, I let it burn

Yoruichi
Sep 21, 2017


Horse Facts

True and Interesting Facts about Horse




:sparkles: It's a recap! :sparkles:

Join Weltlich, Obliterati and I as we dissect week 441. Featuring a special guest interview with long lost Thunderdomer Morning Bell, a dramatic reading of How Yer Grampa Glaikit Beat Back The Beats, and more!

Stories discussed are:
Advice to a Young Traveler by Antivehicular
And Talking Trees, and Leagues of Grass by Thranguy
Empty by flerp
SMOOTH MOON by Phiz Kalifa
Man Plans; by Nae
Hummingbird Wish Me Luck by Noah

Availble in the archive or wherever you get your podcasts, apparently.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


toanoradian posted:

gently caress

Yoruichi
Sep 21, 2017


Horse Facts

True and Interesting Facts about Horse





So... you're in? You need to make a horse picture. Did you even read the instructions?

Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

The man was stunningly well dressed. He had a smart looking jacket, and a really neat looking cape, the lining of which was shimmering and sparkling in more than Oriental splendour, which is a great deal of splendour indeed, just ask Kipling.



Hello I would like to request a location for a story, also here is horse.

Only registered members can see post attachments!

a friendly penguin
Feb 1, 2007

trolling for fish



Crits Week 443 – Extra crits for lost the plot week

Since Staggy was the only judge this week I figured people might appreciate a few extra words about their stories. But feel free to disregard them because who am I even, not a judge.


Brotherly – The Pipe in the Lake

I read your story last week too and it’s very similar to this one in that it has all of the elements of a story. They’re almost textbook: beginning, middle, end; a character who wants something; world-building descriptions; the trials for the main character; and a resolution that addresses the initial setup. It’s all there and it just needs a little bit of refinement.

Working with such small word limits (though I can easily see this expanded into a longer work with the amount of detail you’ve got), thought needs to be put into how much detail in each part of the story is necessary to engage the reader and then more words can be spent on the parts of the story that deserve more exploration. In this story’s case, I think the first two sections could be done much more efficiently and give more words to the ending.

A lot of the information you deliver can be compacted into a single, more active scene where it begins with the rumor argument, Ellana’s thoughts about what life used to be with the water and then her asking her mother those questions.

More stuff like this: “Each afternoon, after fetching water, she’d climb to the top of the outer walls, ignoring annoyed militiamen and their funny metal hats, and find the place where the aqueduct reached the horizon” That give us a whole lot with just the perfect amount of specific detail.

Doing that leaves more space for answering the bigger and more interesting questions that readers will have. What exactly happened to the people who built the aqueducts? Why didn’t anyone investigate seeing as how the water would have disappeared for everyone along the line? What exactly was plugging the pipe and how did it get there? In fact, (and this is something I’m extremely guilty of) finding the plugged pipe is really the most interesting part and could be the start of its own story.


Sperglord Firecock - Onwards, Babel

That’s a bold first paragraph, let’s see if this story lives up to that tone. It keeps going…

That was hard to read. I am all for omniscient narration and somewhat overwrought telling of these types of tales, but I had a very, very hard time discerning what was going on or what the continuity was exactly. I didn’t understand the individuals’ relationship or how I was supposed to feel about all of them. The story was just too distant for me to have any meaningful reaction to it as a reader.

When I try writing a very specific voice, even if someone isn’t actually telling the story/talking, I still think about why someone would tell this story and why they would tell it in this way. And that helps me understand what they might focus on for their listener. That might help you reconceptualize this if you’re still interested in thinking about it.


Azza Bamboo - In Awe

The priest and sisters being passed by gym goers is a great image to start with.

“Bridget walked merrily in a floating way” – awkward, could easily be shortened to Bridget floated and get the same across.

Trust your reader: “Where she would ordinarily give her natural excuses, she instead pondered for a moment about the fact she was being invited to walk alone into an alleyway with a stranger. She looked at Bridget's weedy arms: Bridget was no threat.” You’ve already established that Jennifer was muscly, so the reader knows that if she does a quick glance at Bridget’s arms, that she has determined there’s no threat. No need to repeat.

The use of omniscient narration, (hopping from person to person to get their Point of View) is difficult on the reader. Just as we’re getting used to how Father Seamus is handling the situation, Marie pops in, then Bridget, then Jennifer. Every time it changes, there’s a small bit of confusion taking the reader out of the story.

You have a good story idea kernel here, a very specific problem needing a very specific solution and the people who care most about solving that problem. But the reader doesn’t get to sit with any of these characters for very long. We jump from action to action to dialogue to next development and we don’t get to see how anyone feels or thinks. Just a few notes on emotions here and there.

If you were to do this again, I’d choose one character who you think would be most interesting to follow throughout (I’d say Bridget) and have her observe the others and the situation. I enjoy the ending, the congregation turning into a spin class and Bridget finding a new way of looking at religion. Though the money thing confused me… is she earning money by cycling somehow? That was unclear.

I also was hoping for some accidental clerical error rapture where angels took all the churches from earth instead of the congregants. There just being some huge confusion in Heaven. A completely different story, but just thought I’d share this amusing thought.


Yoruichi - Most people were quick to embrace new cultural practices around the retention of the deceased after the en masse cessation of posthumous decomposition, but Luke was not emotionally well-equipped to be saddled with his father’s everlasting corpse.

As bizarre a premise as this is, the story is still very simple. Overall not a lot physically happens, all of the development is emotional and the ending works because of that. There any number of hilarious things that I can see happening with this particular character in this particular situation and the only one we get happens off screen and that was a great choice. Though I did have a small fear that Luke was going to get another idea and take the body to be eaten by wolves or something after the Bastard incident. Thank you for not doing that.

This story has all the right details in all the right places to show the reader what kind of world this is and what stage in the disappearance of the thing we are. I particularly like this one: “The flickering of light sabers lit up the faces of Luke’s macabre little family.”


toanoradian - BLUE AMERICA 2050, by Father Benjamin Brady

So this is a very specific vision for the future, one filled with all the ridiculous claims that far right conservative Christian mouthpieces make in order to scaremonger their followers into agitating for the “good” values.

Ignoring the subject matter and looking at this story on a craft level, it’s all world building. There’s no character development or conflict. It most closely resembles a vignette or slice of life, but not even the latter, because there’s still not much to interest the reader in the character.

Adding back in the content, if this story was ever going to work, it needed to actually have Father Benjamin Brady as a character. Because this is his vision of 2050, the reader needs to be able to see why he has this vision of America and what that makes him do as a person/character. Otherwise this is just a shock piece that immediately alienates the reader because there’s no larger meaning to it.


Idle Amalgam – Lab Rats

This is the beginning to a much longer story or a short story with so many details it runs out of words. This is all just setup of the world in which the character is operating and to the character herself. Though we don’t get much of the latter. We see Rebecca as surprised and overwhelmed by her research being funded and her excitement when she gets to the lab. But we don’t get to see how this humble yet eager person reacts to any setbacks or challenges or changes. The reader is introduced to two other characters who have been set up as good support characters that might provide help or even be sources of tension. So there’s potential in this world and the characters.

But they have nothing to do. So far, they just exist. If the initial problem set up in this story is that sharks disappearing has created a worldwide ecological and economic problem, then the ending to that story has to satisfyingly address that setup. It doesn’t have to fix it, but there needs to be meaningful work done to address it or address the characters’ reaction/relationship to it.

It might be an interesting exercise for you to keep writing this story until you think it has done that and then see if you could find a way to fit it in the word count or if this story really did need more space. It’s already got a Jurassic Park start to it. See where that goes.

Or, based on your title, I wonder who the lab rats are in this scenario. Is it the scientists? They seem to be the ones who are being gathered by mysterious investors and “suits” into a gauntlet and put through tests. Perhaps the sharks disappearing is just an excuse to have scientists working on another, more secret problem. If that’s where you were trying to go, the story definitely needed more than the few hints I may be making up in my own head. And it still would have needed more scenes to be considered a fully formed story as well.


flerp – Get It

This piece is a subtle, emotional one where characters explore their relationships with each other. There’s the father who doesn’t get it and the boyfriend who doesn’t get it either. But that might be because this is the first time “You” has tried to talk about dad in a way that’s not the standard “dad was a dick.” Though he really does sound like a dick making his kid pay rent. But how much does the MC “get” in the story as well. The MC clearly had affection for his head or else he wouldn’t have wanted to visit him at the hospital at all or kept his car. On what level do all of these characters “get” the car. What does the car symbolize being a sort of status symbol for the dad? And the image of that status symbol spinning its wheels in a ditch, forever, doing the same thing until it reaches the end of its fuel.

I’m sorry, this isn’t a good critique. It’s me working through why the emotional beats and images work for this story. It has a lot to unpack in the short word count, has characters who feel real. I could see adding a little more about Richard, though he’s already doing what his character needs to do here. It’s a story about a different type of loss than the cars which is the direction many stories took this week. That was merely the set dressing. It’s good.


Noah – A Hunger

Weird world that just drops us right in assuming we know how this works and as a reader I don’t feel at sea. I think it helps knowing ahead of time that there aren’t any birds. Since I don’t remember it being mentioned in the actual story, that could be confusing if this were presented without the prompt.

The body of this story stands up on its own, but it’s missing some connective tissue to work together as a whole piece. Like the conversation between Robin and Vulture seems like it’s taking up well-worn topics that I couldn’t quite pick up all the pieces of. The change from everyday life to swarm of locusts needed a little more prep too since “Kansas City” is the first we hear of anything outside of their orphanage setting.

I’m interested as hell to know more about what this setting is like and I’d like to know a lot more, but just a little more would’ve helped me follow the trajectory of this a little more. It might be that this piece in general just needed more words, because I keep wanting to say that I wanted more characterization, more relationship building, more back story. Not a ton of each, but when all of it needs something then there’s only so much else that can be cut to try to get it down to the assigned word count.


Caligula Kangaroo – Obscura

I think this story wants to be an emotional, interpersonal relationship piece, but it spends a little too much time on the disappearance of the cameras and not enough time on Anna and her Mom. And the kind of emphasis that “Then another idea crosses her mind; an awful idea she can’t stop thinking about.” gives to the story makes it seem that the story wanted to focus on finding a solution to the physical problem rather than the interpersonal/internal problem facing Anna.

If you would like to revisit this story, it might help to pull back and ask what the goal is for the story. Is it to explore a world without cameras? Is it for the MC to figure out how to keep going with her business? Is it to depict how the MC’s attempts at finding a way to make a living, live her own life while supporting another’s? Once this decision is made, then it might become clearer which details are needed to set the story while keeping the focus on the plot you most want to get across.

As of now I can’t quite tell what the ending was supposed to say. Anna accepted that cameras weren’t a thing anymore? Acceptance of the way the world is now? It didn’t bring the rest of the narrative to a satisfying conclusion for me.

If you were going for an emotional relationship piece, maybe read flerp’s story to see how they handled having a premise to develop the characters but keeping the plot focused on the people.


Antivehicular – Thursday Night at the All Saints Zineworks

I love the concept that this story takes with the prompt and how it frames our two characters’ lives and decisions. I want to learn more about each of them and their struggles and desires in life, which is great. This story is one of contrasts between Laura and Jamie, what they value, how they value it and the role in plays in their lives.

It’s very much just a small window into a world. And it’s where the TD formula falls short because so many wonderful ideas can emerge from these prompts but don’t get to be explored as fully as they deserve. There’s the argument that we should choose a different idea, one that can be executed in the word count and save these other ideas for another time. But thanks for sharing this one with us anyway.


Sebmojo – Birds without a Tree

I never would have thought that the disappearance of metaphor could evoke an emotion from me, especially since I’m not very good at them myself. But you bring it home in this sentence exactly what has been lost.
“We were people, together or apart, and nothing meant anything other than exactly what it was.”
And the fact that even as precise as our language can be with describing what is, that doesn’t actually encapsulate our existence.

So awesome job for that mini moment. Satisfying in 440 words.

Thranguy – Breaking the Wheel

A difficult task finding a character who would care if déjà vu stopped existing since most of us wouldn’t really miss it other than a stray “huh” if we noticed it not having happened in a while. But I don’t think I’m entirely clear on how all of the bits and pieces of the story fit together. What did time travelers have to do with the disappearance of the always known past/future? Is the Library just an illustration of what’s been lost? What was our protagonist doing before the disappearance? The story mentions a few things, but not that any of them were directly related to him.

I think the ending works, but for a different setup where we get to see his struggle with the change. If he had been living on the $1000 lottery wins, scraping by or he was a master of pleasing women because he always knew what they wanted and then he had to settle into relationship and job that provided no thrill whatsoever, that might have made for a more engaging contrast. I think also a comparison could be made with the Librarian who is clearly excited by this new development in his work.


Gorka – Indentured

(First, I love a good pun, thank you for that title. It’s absolutely perfect.)

I think I remember you mentioning that English isn’t your first language and I think in this story it really shows. The word choices are all just a little off, especially in the dialogue. The scene descriptions are all a little too straightforward and don’t provide a ton of extra or illuminating information.

“He spoke slowly and with rough diction, as Jack did just before. The other guy stayed quiet, as he often did.”
Rough diction is a very formal way of saying that his words were muffled or garbled or jumbled. And “the other guy” doesn’t help us get to know these characters or even Jack really. Unless the reader is supposed to think that Jack is dismissive of those he works with. They don’t get names or personalities. I don’t think that’s the case, but is something to realize. The way the author of a story describes things from the point of view of a character will generally tell the reader more about the character than the object or person being described.

The plot of the story is a good start. Jack leads a group of desperate, toothless raiders who steel teeth for their own gain but they’re out maneuvered by the fake teeth mafia who force Jack into serving their goals. Now we need to understand what Jack ultimately wants out of his life choices and what this new life will mean for those goals and how maybe a fast thinker like him can make this arrangement suit him.

I encourage you to read more to internalize the way dialogue and smooth prose sounds. It’s a process, even for native speakers. I have bad dialogue all the time.

a friendly penguin fucked around with this message at 19:34 on Feb 3, 2021

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.






I'm in. Gimme the horsey

Yoruichi
Sep 21, 2017


Horse Facts

True and Interesting Facts about Horse




Chairchucker posted:

Hello I would like to request a location for a story, also here is horse.

Your story takes place in a wildlife reserve.

Azza Bamboo
Apr 7, 2018


a friendly penguin posted:

Crits Week 443 – Extra crits for lost the plot week

Thanks for the extra crits.

Yoruichi
Sep 21, 2017


Horse Facts

True and Interesting Facts about Horse




Mercedes posted:

I'm in. Gimme the horsey

I can't belive you're making me do this, what am I your mum

Here is your horse, which is actually Chairchucker's horse

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk









Holy poo poo that horse

Yoruichi
Sep 21, 2017


Horse Facts

True and Interesting Facts about Horse




Yoruichi posted:

:sparkles: WEEK 442 JUDGING SECRETS REVEALED :sparkles:

Well, they're not really secrets, but if you want to listen live to what happened in judge chambers, you can do so here.

We discuss all the stories! There are hot takes! Blistering insights! Judgement!

(This will be available in the archive as soon as I figure out why the upload's not working).

This episode is now in the archive with timestamps in case you are a narcissist and refuse to listen to discussion of anyone's story but your own.

Casual Encountess
Dec 14, 2005

"You can see how they go from being so sweet to tearing your face off,
just like that,
and it's amazing to have that range."


Thunderdome Exclusive



i’m new here and i’m in


here’s a horse

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


Casual Encountess posted:

i’m new here and i’m in


here’s a horse



:eyepop:

Casual Encountess
Dec 14, 2005

"You can see how they go from being so sweet to tearing your face off,
just like that,
and it's amazing to have that range."


Thunderdome Exclusive




u ready bb??

which horse is for me?

curlingiron
Dec 15, 2006

Come fight terrifying creatures in the THUNDERDOME!


Casual Encountess posted:

u ready bb??

which horse is for me?

Yoru says you can have Dragonhorse. Please be kind to her. :3:

curlingiron
Dec 15, 2006

Come fight terrifying creatures in the THUNDERDOME!



Here is Puddle, she is a special lady.



Also I'm judge.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


curlingiron posted:

Here is Puddle, she is a special lady.



Also I'm judge.

gently caress. in.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk









JIM SPACEMAN in an excerpt from ESCAPE FROM THE TERROR MINES OF ZORGO, book 2 in the SPIDERS OF REBIRTH, OF MARS cycle
1028 words

Spaceman Jim was in trouble. Space trouble. Specifically that his spaceship was not in space when it should have been in space. 

“Thank god you’re here Mister Moffin!” he said “my spaceship has a hole in it and only your very big and hard penis can fill it!” 

“This will not be a problem as I have a very big and hard penis,” said Mister Moffin, sexly. “But I am afraid that, because he cannot be left alone, Mojjo the Chimp must join us on this journey. He is not an actual chimpanzee, we call him that because he sucks.” 

James Speceman cried fat tears at these words, zero gravity globules of iridescent liquidity that took flight in the wafterous zephyrs from the air vents. 

“It’s okay,” said Moijo, charmingly and also reassuringly.  His undulating pectoral musculature was thick and firm.  “We simply need to press this button, the one right here.”  With a calm insouciance that belied his devil-may-care swashbuckling pizazz, he extended one finger and depressed it on the button labelled ‘aunch’, the ‘L’ having been worn off because of so many launches.  

Moffin squealed in horror at the sudden thunder and sprawled on the floor, sobbing stupidly. 

Except actually it’s cool, because when men cry a single tear you know they’re sensitive. It was like that but more. It was so masculine that Mojijo said “whoa that’s very masculine, crying so much, I am jj-j-ealous,” he said badly. 

The space ship went up into space which meant the trouble was gone, the trouble being that the space ship was not in space, but now they had a new problem: that they were in space. There was no more air and so they started to die but Mojji was dying faster because he was worse at being alive. 

Moffin was quivering even harder now, like literally spasming on the floor and the motion had broken the seal on the tubes of ceiling paste he kept in his pockets!  It started to ooze out and smeared all over his thick glasses.

Meanwhile, Spaceman jim

Moijo laughed, richly.  “I have a simple solution to all these problems, with the Zeptoids and their ray instructor.  We simpley penetrate their fortress and destroy the heart of their control centre.  Our plasmatic thrustron will suffice to 
accomplish the task.  

In the meantime Moffin had jammed his head into a hole slightly to small for it and had gotten stuck.

It was smart because it stopped space from coming inside.

“You are the most selfless man in the universe, Moffin,” said Captain Jimonthy Spaceman, “they will speak of this for generations, unlike The Chimp’s poo poo plan which I have already forgotten.” 

“Thank you Jim Space man,” said Moffin, who had cleverly smeared his glasses his ceiling paste to focus on his task free of distraction.””I say we simpley penetrate their fortress and destroy the heart of their control centre. Our plasmatic thrustron will suffice to accomplish the task.”

Mojo poo poo himself with rage and some poo went in his eye.

Just then the Zeptons attacked! They had destructor rays that cut through the fragile hull of the spaceship (the SS Munificeptionarialacitylation) like a knife through damp goo.  One hundred holes instantly appeared in the super hard hull metal as if by magic.

“Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” squealed Moffin in a high pitched, girly, but sort of also masculine, but the bad kind of masculine, voice!  “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh”  He was terrified by all the holes.

“Spaceman Jimb, yelled Mojo in a tone of cool icy command.  “Hit the fixer switch there!  We don’t have much time for the cold vacuum of space is about steal our precious oxygen, the necessity for humans such as we!”

And then his piggish eyes flashed like a rocket. “Because you see, I was the bad guy all along, and I am not a man, I am a literal chimp and I was in league with the Zeptons all along!” he said, unzipping his human-suit and revealing an awful slimy space-chimp whose face was a literal butt. Tattooed across his cheeks were the words I M  T H E  B A D D I E. It opened and did a big sloppy poo that went all down his fur and made no difference because he was already covered in poo poo. 

 Mojo laughed like the hero of the story.  These fools had no idea what game they were even playing, they were idiots.  He clicked his fingers and spacmen jim’s eyes widened!  The click of the fingers was a post hypbotic command, and space man jim realised suddenlty that he was a zeptorg too, and peeled off his human suit.  With a convulsive shudder of disgust at having to wear the dumb/stupid human appearance for so long, Jim and Mojo raised they galactic disruptoids and blasted Moffin in one hundred thousand pieces of glittering space dust, each one smaller than an atom!

Okay so like then moffin goes like WHOOOSH and then all his atoms come back together and he’s STRONGER like DOCTOR MANHATTAN and he goes “haha I don’t need to breathe but ur on a spaceship with holes in it you big idiot dumbass gently caress you” and then Mojo and Jim both explode into a thousand thousand teenier tinier bits, smaller than even the little bits that go woosh around an atom and they’re super dead and they can’t come back and if they come back i get to punch you MUFFIN WINS 

he typed with dumb fingers that weren’t very good at typing so he actually inserted a DOESN’T before the WINS and so he got it
wrong and lost and also all the bits that  mojo exploded into where actually nanotechnology and reformed into a galactic mega Titan and when muffin saw that he got so mad and ready to punch that he sweleled up like pumpkin and exploded.  And the spaceship (which was actually a time machine you missed all the hints) went back and made it so he’d never been born and didn’t exist and so nothing he’d ever done had ever HAPPENED.

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SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010


JIM SPACEMAN in an excerpt from ESCAPE FROM THE TERROR MINES OF ZORGO, book 2 in the SPIDERS OF REBIRTH, OF MARS cycle
1028 words

Spaceman Jim was in trouble. Space trouble. Specifically that his spaceship was not in space when it should have been in space.

“Thank god you’re here Mister Moffin!” he said “my spaceship has a hole in it and only your very big and hard penis can fill it!”

“This will not be a problem as I have a very big and hard penis,” said Mister Moffin, sexly. “But I am afraid that, because he cannot be left alone, Mojjo the Chimp must join us on this journey. He is not an actual chimpanzee, we call him that because he sucks.”

James Speceman cried fat tears at these words, zero gravity globules of iridescent liquidity that took flight in the wafterous zephyrs from the air vents.

“It’s okay,” said Moijo, charmingly and also reassuringly. His undulating pectoral musculature was thick and firm. “We simply need to press this button, the one right here.” With a calm insouciance that belied his devil-may-care swashbuckling pizazz, he extended one finger and depressed it on the button labelled ‘aunch’, the ‘L’ having been worn off because of so many launches.

Moffin squealed in horror at the sudden thunder and sprawled on the floor, sobbing stupidly.

Except actually it’s cool, because when men cry a single tear you know they’re sensitive. It was like that but more. It was so masculine that Mojijo said “whoa that’s very masculine, crying so much, I am jj-j-ealous,” he said badly.

The space ship went up into space which meant the trouble was gone, the trouble being that the space ship was not in space, but now they had a new problem: that they were in space. There was no more air and so they started to die but Mojji was dying faster because he was worse at being alive.

Moffin was quivering even harder now, like literally spasming on the floor and the motion had broken the seal on the tubes of ceiling paste he kept in his pockets! It started to ooze out and smeared all over his thick glasses.

Meanwhile, Spaceman jim

Moijo laughed, richly. “I have a simple solution to all these problems, with the Zeptoids and their ray instructor. We simpley penetrate their fortress and destroy the heart of their control centre. Our plasmatic thrustron will suffice to
accomplish the task.

In the meantime Moffin had jammed his head into a hole slightly to small for it and had gotten stuck.

It was smart because it stopped space from coming inside.

“You are the most selfless man in the universe, Moffin,” said Captain Jimonthy Spaceman, “they will speak of this for generations, unlike The Chimp’s poo poo plan which I have already forgotten.”

“Thank you Jim Space man,” said Moffin, who had cleverly smeared his glasses his ceiling paste to focus on his task free of distraction.””I say we simpley penetrate their fortress and destroy the heart of their control centre. Our plasmatic thrustron will suffice to accomplish the task.”

Mojo poo poo himself with rage and some poo went in his eye.

Just then the Zeptons attacked! They had destructor rays that cut through the fragile hull of the spaceship (the SS Munificeptionarialacitylation) like a knife through damp goo. One hundred holes instantly appeared in the super hard hull metal as if by magic.

“Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” squealed Moffin in a high pitched, girly, but sort of also masculine, but the bad kind of masculine, voice! “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh” He was terrified by all the holes.

“Spaceman Jimb, yelled Mojo in a tone of cool icy command. “Hit the fixer switch there! We don’t have much time for the cold vacuum of space is about steal our precious oxygen, the necessity for humans such as we!”

And then his piggish eyes flashed like a rocket. “Because you see, I was the bad guy all along, and I am not a man, I am a literal chimp and I was in league with the Zeptons all along!” he said, unzipping his human-suit and revealing an awful slimy space-chimp whose face was a literal butt. Tattooed across his cheeks were the words I M T H E B A D D I E. It opened and did a big sloppy poo that went all down his fur and made no difference because he was already covered in poo poo.

Mojo laughed like the hero of the story. These fools had no idea what game they were even playing, they were idiots. He clicked his fingers and spacmen jim’s eyes widened! The click of the fingers was a post hypbotic command, and space man jim realised suddenlty that he was a zeptorg too, and peeled off his human suit. With a convulsive shudder of disgust at having to wear the dumb/stupid human appearance for so long, Jim and Mojo raised they galactic disruptoids and blasted Moffin in one hundred thousand pieces of glittering space dust, each one smaller than an atom!

Okay so like then moffin goes like WHOOOSH and then all his atoms come back together and he’s STRONGER like DOCTOR MANHATTAN and he goes “haha I don’t need to breathe but ur on a spaceship with holes in it you big idiot dumbass gently caress you” and then Mojo and Jim both explode into a thousand thousand teenier tinier bits, smaller than even the little bits that go woosh around an atom and they’re super dead and they can’t come back and if they come back i get to punch you MUFFIN WINS

he typed with dumb fingers that weren’t very good at typing so he actually inserted a DOESN’T before the WINS and so he got it
wrong and lost and also all the bits that mojo exploded into where actually nanotechnology and reformed into a galactic mega Titan and when muffin saw that he got so mad and ready to punch that he sweleled up like pumpkin and exploded. And the spaceship (which was actually a time machine you missed all the hints) went back and made it so he’d never been born and didn’t exist and so nothing he’d ever done had ever HAPPEND.

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