Armitag3 posted:

GBS is about boners and farts. And bonerhitlers and loving farting weed straight outta my huge pig balls.

Ben Quebec posted:

You can ban my account but you'll never take my tuggin!!!

HugeGrossBurrito posted:

Armitage wrote a great noir story about the life of a burrito detective. I felt it should get a proper dramatic reading. There are some commercials in between the four parts two recorded by goons and the rest recorded by me talking out of my rear end while very drunk.

A Tug in the Night LINK HERE:
https://soundcloud.com/user-206353104/a-tug-in-the-night

by Armitag3

by Spinz

by The Protagonist

by Armitag3


A big thank you to Armitag3 for writing it and making the title card, Ugly in the Morning and Ventral EggSac for providing commercials, and to Spinz and The Protagonist for the art.

The biggest possible thank you for my wife TeachesOfPeaches for recording, editing, and doing Jeffrey's voice.

The Text as written by Armitag3
When the OP stepped into my office I knew they were trouble from moment one. It's a scummy part of the forums, no place for a poster with a horny AV. I brushed off some horse racing stubs and fished out my lighter and smoldered the tip of their cigarette. Silence hung in my office as we assessed eachother, in between bouts of neon flashes that sunk through my window. Grey, deathly wisps of smoke rose from their cigarette, fading into the background of these dead gay comedy forums. I hate this town.

"Sorry, toots, I don't mod anymore." I leaned back into my creaky chair, stained heavily with chipotle sauce. OP insisted. Tugging threads were being gassed at an alarming rate. No one knew why, and the mods weren't doing anything. Figures. Reports are kept off the books, and QCS was another organized circle-jerk just like the rest of 'em. The only difference between them and FYAD was that they title-cased their usernames. That's why I got out. gently caress, I hate this town. OP showed me a picture of the kid - army helmet, eyes a foot apart, face swollen and featureless, howling at the sky. Poor kid, born autistic. It's not their fault. It's never their fault. I drained my tumbler of ranch dressing to steel myself up and slid open the desk drawer next to my dominant hand - my mod buttons. Haven't wrapped my fingers around those since the accident. "I'll do it." I watched as the tip of their snake tail slithered away slowly. I thought it'd be the last I'd see those non-mammalian tits. I was wrong.

The forums were dark and cold that night as I stepped into a public inbox and PMed my inside contact. "Quiet, Calm, Sincere - the mods certainly didn't know - what's your query?" Aardvark recognized my gross, gravely voice as I asked him for the scoop on the gassed tugging threads. He thought we were even, but I had to call in one last favor. For the kid. It took some doing, but I finally convinced that ratfucker to turn up the goods. I jotted down the thread in Pet Island where we were supposed to meet - a quiet, secluded place where no one goes. I thought I heard a click before Aardvark put the PM down. It's late, and I probably need to lay off the sauce. But gently caress, I hate this town.

We were the only souls there, misted by the light rain. Aardvark buttoned up in a trenchcoat, hiding behind a pair of racist asian-eye goggles. He pushed the manila folder onto my tortilla folds. "Burrito, we're even. I have a family - I can't keep sticking my neck out for you." He looked distressed, scared even. This case had layers. Layers he tried to warm me about. "Piece of advice? Forget the tugging threads. You don't want to go down that rabbit hole. This goes all the way up to--" Tires screeched nearby as a black car careened towards us. A shadowy figure leaned out the window, sporting the chrome length of a drum-fed ban-gun. BRAPPA-BRAPPA-BRAPPA! I dove out of the way, rolling to safety as the car tore through. I pulled out my 6er, ready for the joust, but they kept going, disappearing into the night towards TFR. I heard groans. poo poo, Aardvark. I raced over to him as he watered the ground around him with red ichor. "Burrito..." he gasped, holding onto my lapel. "I... I..." There was nothing I could do. "Sssh, it's ok. You're going to meet Genesplicer now." There was a little smile on his face as the light faded from his eyes. I checked the ban reason on his hole-riddled body. Placeholder. Aardvark shat himself as his sphincter relaxed. I loving hate this town.

It's cold. These forums are cold. I tip some vinaigrette into the back of my throat, emptying what remains of my flask. Here's to you, Aardvark - your death made these forums just a little tad colder. gently caress, he was a week away from retirement too. I look out the window of my car, a deluge washing over these dirty streets. Lit up in its opulence, the mod forums stuck out like a knife in the heart of this town. These bastards are going to pay. The case files were filled with nothingness - half truths and red tape - but to the trained eye a name kept popping up: G. Meggido. And there he was, shuddering the water from his trenchcoat before stepping into his car. I roared my machine alive and killed the lights, tailing him at a safe distance. Rotten to the core, I could smell his stench from thirty feet away. I hate this town.

It was a meandering ride to his destination - the cat was good, but not enough to shake me. Deep into the closed QCS thread subforum, he stopped his car, stepping outside into the gelid, fogged air around the storage containers. The harbor was dead silent, thoroughly unused - no one there but us and all the buried skeletons. I grip my flask again to steel my nerves, sucking whatever dutch courage I could before stuffing it inside my coat - next to my trusty 6er, loaded. I wrench myself from the car seat and step outside, making a b-line towards my mark. I creep up to the side of a closed thread and hug the wall, keeping an eye out for that feline gently caress. The stencil above me reads "please explain why fyad was closed". I hate this town.

"what is it" A figure forms from behind the fog. Tall, built, an impressive frame under the cover of night. Meggido looked uncomfortable, scared even. "I need more money. The heat is turning up. Burrito's asking questions." "lol i took care of burito. hes not going to bother any1" growled the menacing shadow. Interesting conversation - I had to sneak closer. I ditched my shoes and climbed up one of the containers, keeping low to avoid being seen against the starry night. "It's not just him. People are getting restless, on edge - they're looking for the slightest provocation. Damnit, I'm afraid to probe people in the cursed images thread in case they turn en masse!" Meggido paced around visibly disturbed. "This isn't what we agreed. You said it'd be easy! You said it was just tugging shitposting!--" CRACK! With immense speed, the tall figure whipped its arm in an arc, buffeting Meggido straight in the jaw, sending him a foot to the side, his hat and shoes to the other. "calm down bivtch lol. u said you could handle gbs. u said you where the duke. if u cant handle this ill find some1 who will." The figure composed itself, straightening its tie. "now, i have a charity diner to go back to. dont disappoint me again dicksuckr". I stepped closer - I needed to know who this big cheese was. The wet surface of the container betrayed me and my holed sock slipped from the edge, sending me hurtling down a story towards the cement. gently caress, I hate this town.

"wtf????" Snapping around, two googly eyes appraised me as I struggled to get on my feet. The leather of his luchador mask cracked as he grinned deviously, as if his boring evening had just gotten much more entertaining. "lol what we're u step, burrito" "Jeffrey." I greeted him with the aim of my 6er. That YOSPOS fucker pulled out his own piece - bigger, badder, heavier; a modified 24-gauge, certain to rip my cheesy insides in half. "Was it you? You had me retired?" His pupils rolled around in their little plastic discs. "no hard feelings, its just forum busness" I start stepping back, realizing I'm trapped between an admin and the freezing river. "u shouldnt have stuck ur wrap where it doesnt belong" He steps closer, each footfall making my heart race faster. "do u kno how hard it is to keep these loving SAVAGES in line? y do u think i bought this town? so a bunch of goons can keep putting off going outside? lol no." I grip my 6er with both hands, cocking back the clicker. "Take another step and I'll loving probe you." Jeffrey stopped, bemused. His pupils rolled side to side, clacking inside those two unnerving googly circles. Then he lowered his gun. Stupidly, I started lowering mine.

BANG. From my blindspot, Meggido's 6er smoked, aimed straight at my heart. For a moment, everything was a standstill. I couldn't feel my fingers. Soon after I couldn't feel my arms, as my 6er dropped and clacked on the ground. My ears ringed. I forgot how bad it hurt to get owned. I stumbled back and fell into the drink. The black waters enveloped me and all my sense of heat was yanked away from me. As I sunk, I could see Jeffrey's silhouette on the surface of the water. He raised his hand and flipped me off. The light wasn't strong enough to sink as deep as I was, and soon enough -- darkness.

Burritos don't sink. Not even particularly big, nasty ones. They bob on the surface of the water, circling the drain of what their lives used to be. I had it all, once - the prestige, the friends; hell, even a sense of pride. One day you're still steaming, full of half boiled chickpeas, and a moral imperative to keep the forums safe. Then, before you know how, you wake up in a gassed BYOB thread missing half your drat clothes. I hate this town.

"BORF! Cough cough! Gaakh!" I must have puked half a lungful of water onto that gritty, coarse sand. The sun was already peeking out from the horizon, washing the dark blue of night with streaks of sad, cold morning grey. I roll over onto my back, my lungs burning as they desperately clung to what shallow breaths I could muster. My whole body ached. It begged me to give up and just lie there for a century or more. I reached into my coat pocket and fished out my flask, dented in half. The probe reason was still embedded into its metallic face, but my eyes were too unfocused to read it. Couldn't help but let out a pained chuckle - and they said drinking would kill me one day. After what seemed like an eternity, I picked myself up stumbling inwards towards GBS - I had a lot to think about.

When I reached my office the door was ajar. Inside, drawers were strewn about, papers littered the floor, and what paltry furniture I had was thrown about recklessly. I limped towards my desk and slumped onto my chair, surveying my ransacked office. I was done. This case was way above my paygrade. Whatever rotten business festered in these forums was no longer my concern - I was out of that game a long time ago. I opened one of my desk drawers and fished out a bottle of chipotle sauce that mercifully remained intact. The savory liquid burned my insides as I drained four or five fingers of its contents in a few hearty swigs. I let the bottle fall onto my desk and leaned back, still sputtering river water. Looking at nothing in particular, my vision focused on the photograph in my desk drawer. I pinched it and brought it up to my face. "Sorry kid. I let you down." Military helmet, eyes a foot apart, featureless bloated fate and a wide grin - a naive victim of these forums, unaware of the traintracks they happened to step on. Poor kid, it wasn't their fault. It was never their fault. I reach for the bottle, but didn't have the strength to bring the neck to my lips. I furrow my brow, angry. It was just a gimmick, damnit. It was just a loving gimmick. The bottle crashed against the wall as I rebelled against the injustice of these forums. "Nah, this isn't over. Not by a long shot." I grew up in this town - I'll be damned if you can't post about tugging. Over my dead body. I jump out of my chair and stash the photo inside my coat. The cold feeling of my flask greets my fingers. I pull it out and inspect it, with a clearer vision and a clearer mind. CSPAM electrion thread. Back door is unlocked.

Meggido was an absolute shitsucker, but he still cared about GBS. Whatever he thought he was doing, he did it for those forums. And now he wanted out. I approached the square where a large congregation of posters hung on to every word Jeffrey spewed from atop the balcony. "and where gonna make it better and badder! the front page is gunna be top notch lol believe u me. my campaign is gonna pump sum much needed blood into these forums! something awfl 2.0! were gonna bring in the advertisers and im gonna talk them down to 70% make them thing there getting a good deal! new regs?? 20 bux 4 the base sub to all this comedy its gonna be HUGE" The crowd bursts into rapacious cheer, swinging their arms in the air as one massive din. I push my way past the stench of BO and "ironic" AVs as Jeffrey touts his Forums as a Service plan to monetize a new era of Something Awful. I slip by towards the main building and make myself scarce around its side entrance. I place a hand on the knob, the other gripping a 6er, and try the door. It clicks open. The crowd's voice dies out once I close the door behind me, making my way up to the admin's office. Smells like burnt plastic in here.

I drive a foot into Jeffrey's double doors and burst into his office, 6er in hand. Behind a lavish desk is a highback swivel chair, obscuring the admin from sight, but I knew he was there - those little clacky googly eyes gave him away. Clap. Clap. Clap. Slowly the chair swings around, revealing Jeff's shiteating grin. "u really cant keep a gross burrito down can u" He sneered as he golf clapped. "The jig is up, Jeffrey. I know why you're cracking down on the tugging threads." He leaned back, poising his fingers together in a pyramid. "lol go on" Without losing sight of him, I reach back and swing both doors closed to ensure we'd be alone. User, admin, it didn't matter, I was the one with the gun. "You're trying to scrub these forums clean. Make them advertiser friendly. Can't really sell Coke when half the threads on GBS are about boners and farts." He shrugged, mocking defeat. "bubaleh this is business. do u kno how many goldbelly cookies go 4 these days? its loving expensive lol" I take a determined step forward. "GBS is about boners and farts. And bonerhitlers and loving farting weed straight outta my huge pig balls. You're not going to get away with th--" Click.

Meggido's 6er was cold. Real cold. It pushed against the side of my gluten skin. "Drop it." I complied, left with no choice. Jeffrey rose from his chair, rubbing his leather gloved hands together. "burrito burrito lol. u rely dont learn do u" He turned his domineering gaze past the french doors to the balcony and to the unwashed masses below. "i alredy have the users. some johny come latelies would kill to have this userbase. gbs is loving dead lmao" He gathered his hands behind his back and turned back to us, casting a dreaded shadow. "whats one more banned user?" His luchador mask creased as he bared his fangs, delighted. "any last words?" I look him dead in the googly eyes, steeling my tumbling carnitas from quivering as I faced the music. "Yeah." Meggido swung his arm towards Jeffrey, aiming straight for his tiny peanut head. "Deedee Megadoodoo."

BLAM.

"lmaaaao" Jeffrey stood his ground firm. At first I thought Meggido missed, and after a beat he fired off another round. And again. And again. All Jeffrey could do was laugh maniacally, tipping his head back as he bellowed inside the office. Click. Click. Out of rounds. Meggido let the 6er fall to the floor, eyes wide at this unphased fridge of a man. "lol meggido ur what a 03 04? and u still dont know that u cant just probe an admin? wow" Jeffrey twisted his neck to the side, popping a sickening crack. His arms slid forth from behind his back, like two suede-cased pythons, calmly reaching for the inside of his jacket. "let me show u how its done" The admin produced inch after inch of blackened steel, sliding effortlessly - grip, to ludicrously extended barrel - from his holster. Like a predator toying with its meal, Jeffrey held the piece with both hands. His nostrils flared as he took in a deep breath, those dime-sized pupils rolling across the surface of his perma-gun. The room's temperature dropped, the air was heavy, oily. "u dont come back from the 10 $ doctor from this 1" he threatened, looking at us both. I took a step back, almost involuntarily. Meggido's shoulders rose up, his spine bent in like a coiled spring - he was waiting for something. Anything. One wrong move and we'd be both perma'd. Jeffrey looked back up at Meggido and raised his howitzer. I grabbed the belt of my trenchcoat and felt my heart stop.

"Now!" I unwrapped the coat and threw it in Jeffrey's direction. In a split second, the admin cracked a blind shot, right through the tan fabric, and missing my head by a mere inch. Meggido hissed a hellish sound from the very depths of his being as he lunged towards the admin, tackling his rippling form to the ground, making him drop his murderous cannon. Meggido had the element of surprise, managing a few good hits across Jeffrey's masked face, though his foe recovered quickly. The third hook didn't land, and was rather twisted around the boss' arm, leaving Meggido vulnerable to a punishing headbutt to his chin. Doing justice to his mask, Jeffrey rolled over on the cat like a crocodile, pining him down and delivering the full weight of his elbow across his chest. "u suckerpunching bitch lol" I rushed to his aid, but received a knee strong enough to turn some of my rice to slop. The wind got knocked out of me and I crashed against the wall, losing all strength from my limbs.

Jeffrey held up a struggling, bloodied Meggido in a neck hold. I tried to get up, but my legs failed me - I could only drag my heels on the carpet. "this is what happens!!! thus is what happns when u gently caress with me!!" roared the admin, snuffing the light from Meggido's eyes. Too weak to do more than twitch his legs, Jeffrey performatively held the cat high in his hands for imagined staged lights, savoring the moment. Motherfucker looked me dead in the eyes as I gasped, pushing myself against the wall to find some, any, kind of anchor to stay awake. "bye whore" Jeffrey dropped to a knee, slamming Meggido down and breaking him in half. "Meggido!" I was hoarse, crying out as the cat got the lowtax special and simply snapped, going limp in an instant. "now im a loving busy man burrito. i rely dont have time 4 this" Jeffrey brushed away his victim, and stepped assertively towards me. Panic gripped me before he did. Meaty hands dug into me before throwing me against the desk. I managed to hold on to the edge, but the admin gave me no quarters. Vices shut closed around my neck, squeezing the very life away. I tried to pry his fingers away but I couldn't... I just-- couldn't. "ur from a baigone era burrito. itd be better if u just hosed off a die. srsly" I could hear my heart almost bursting my eardrums, red started to bubble up my vision. I tried to escape it, looking at anything other than the rising blood blurring my sight. I saw a pen on the desk surface. I couldn't reach it. By gently caress, I tried so hard, I couldn't move an inch from Jeffrey's choke. The thought of giving up crossed my mind. The pain - it was disappearing. I felt it less and less with each palpitation. I could just fall asleep and just let it... end.

I saw the kid's face. I saw myself too, somehow. I was apologizing. I lied and said there was nothing I could do. In fact, there was nothing anyone could do. I saw my office. I saw bottles. Empty bottles. I saw guilt and sleepless nights. I saw a noose next to the carved letters "burrito was here". It wasn't my future, but it was a future. I didn't come all the way to give up now. No, gently caress that. For the kid. For the kid. For the kid. "For... the... k-kid." "lol what?" A sickening pop loosened my shoulder from its socket as I wrenched my arm as far as it could go and grabbed the pen, immediately plunging it in the side of Jeffrey's neck. "OOOOW gently caress" he howled, pushing himself off me. I tried dropping to my feet and felt my knees buckle as I coughed for air. The admin held his neck as blood gouted down his hands. I got up and planted my heel on the back of his knee, making him drop like a sack of loving rocks. "That is for loving demodding me!" I still had one good haymaker in me, and I clocked him against the side of the head, sending him hurtling towards the french windows. His hefty body crashed through the glass, splintering the goldleaf facade of his reign onto the balcony. "That's for killing Meggido." On his knees, still holding onto his gushing wound, Jeffrey raised his head as I limped onto the balcony, one arm hanging by tortilla alone. One of his googly eyes was missing. "And this..." I produced the perma-gun, aiming it point black at his forehead. "... is for Aardvark, you piece of poo poo." I cocked back the clicker. "lol burrito... u kno a mod cant perma an admin w/o approval lmao"

"I'm not a mod anymore." I swear I saw his one googly eye widen. KAPLOW.

THE END

Thanks for listening nerds.

Bismuth posted:

Inexplicable Humblebrag posted:

Derpies posted:

You can catch this early if you don't engage in regular tuggin

Into The Mild posted:

goldmine!

Into The Mild posted:

goldmine!