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Dwight, Angela, Jim, and Pam have decided to reconcile and have a beachside picnic and bonfire. The evening has gone swimmingly, in fact. Clams casino, some pre-made, pressed and wrapped sandwiches, and s'mores, made right on the bonfire, along with a few shared bottles of wine between the couples. It's, frankly, and unexpectedly, been a charming evening. The sun has set and darkness has fallen, and Jim is softly strumming a guitar while Angela sings along, a nice shared moment between the couples and entirely NON work related, for once. Jim's also been slipping LSD into every single thing Dwight's consumed this evening as well as micro-dosing himself. Dwight suddenly feels the drugs takes effect but doesn't know how to express this and also becomes paranoid about ruining the evening. As Jim finishes his song, he puts the guitar down and casually says "Hey Dwight? Ever been to BURNING MAN" and walks himself directly into the bonfire, completely engulfing himself in flames as he mugs to Dwight, who is at the absolute height of his horrifying trip.
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Oct 19, 2021 17:37
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| # ? May 30, 2024 13:34 |
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"Hey Dwight, you want to go to a party?" Before Dwight can say anything, Jim kicks him in the face. "A superkick party!" Professional wrestlers The Young Bucks' theme song starts playing and Jim aggressively mugs for the camera and strikes a series of athletic poses over Dwight's unconscious body.
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Oct 19, 2021 17:40
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Dwight arrives at his desk surrounded by police tape and a white chalk outline of a dead body. He chuckles a bit "Mildly inconvenient, but overall pretty weak for a Tuesday Jim." Jim is staring blankly at his phone. "Everything ok, Jim?" Dwight asks. Jim shakes himself out of his stupor and looks at Dwight. "You're aware we're fictional characters, right?" he asks. Dwight pauses for a moment then answers. "Yes. I've been somewhat aware of it for some time, but there's nothing I can really do about it so I carry on as normal. Why?" Jim holds up his phone "So I've been aware of it for a while too, but look, this app, it's called Awful." 'Fun pranks for Jim to Play on Dwight?" Dwight reads. "Oh my god, have they been making you do these things?" "No, I don't believe it works that way," Jim says. "I do things because I want to. They just document it. They're tapped in subconsciously to what goes on at the office. The understand it at a base level." "Ok," Dwight says. "I wish there were some explanation that they controlled this because I do think of is as friends and I wish there was cause for your cruelty." "Our lives are interesting, Balloon Boy" Jim says. "I think of you as my friend too. I can't hurt you and I never will. Remember I've killed you many times. I've destroyed humanity. Everything is always fine the next post." "I do remember it all. Vaguely. But I don't like it. If you are my friend I wish you would stop." "Sorry Buddy but this isn't a Jim genie story. Look I'm bringing you in on this for a reason. Part of this thread is starting to bother me. These are accurate tales, but someone has started to analyze the stories, pointing out trends and inconsistencies, in a way that I feel could affect the narrative". "I thought you said it doesn't work that way. You control your own actions." "Mostly..." Jim said. "But reality is a two way street. If Meredith died in a car crash today and nobody writes about it and we don't find out until tomorrow, did it really happen? Remember tomorrow she'll just be in the story as normal." "Well yeah, it happened" Dwight answers. "Well I think otherwise. I installed some spyware on one of the posters phones. I saw he wrote a story where you turned the tables on me and won. Do you remember that happening? He thought it was too obviously following thread trends and deleted his draft." "I don't remember it" Dwight says. "Well I remember it. Vividly." Jim says. "I was there. But I'm the only one who remembers because I'm the only one who saw." "So what are you suggesting? Dwight asks. "This fucker is analyzing posts and shutting down conversation. He's going to get the thread closed and then we will loving cease to exist. You and me are going to team up on this one. We're going to pull a 'prank', one of the 'Cosmic' Jim pranks, not one of the 'pathetic' Jim ones." Dwight turns to Pam, who is standing there smiling. "Don't worry Dwight. He's cosmic this time. I concur." Jim hands Dwight his phone. "I've installed the awful app on here. I've registered you in the forums with a platinum account. Let's get to posting. I'll explain more as we go along"
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Oct 19, 2021 17:49
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dwight posts a thread with the flashing ATTENTION tag and is immediately banned. jim mugs the phone camera
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Oct 19, 2021 17:52
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DWIGHT: I could have sworn I heard shouts. JIM: And why would he shout? DWIGHT: At his horse. Silence. JIM: (violently). I'm hungry! DWIGHT: Do you want a carrot? JIM: Is that all there is? DWIGHT: I might have some beets. JIM: Give me a carrot. (Dwight rummages in his pockets, takes out a beet and gives it to JIM who takes a bite out of it. Angrily.) It's a beet!
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Oct 19, 2021 17:56
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Jim gets a new task at work - checking and maintaining the ancient boiler that helps heat the office. Twice a day, Jim is to go into the warehouse and release the pressure, as the ancient device doesn't have an automatic shut-off. After a few days, Dwight notices a strange smell and pinging noises coming from the warehouse. He asks Jim if he checked the boiler today. "Uhhhhhh, yeahhh. Sure. Let me just go... check it.... again. Where is that located again, by the way?" Dwight realizes with horror that Jim has slacked on his most important task just as the boiler explodes, destroying the building and killing everyone inside. Jim's decapitated head is launched into a tree several miles away where it's discovered by a small child. The child screams in horror as Jim involuntarily mugs for it, his facial muscles forever stuck.
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Oct 19, 2021 18:23
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Michael orders Dwight to care for the Overlook branch of Dunder-Mifflin, a remote office that closes down for the winter. Dwight is actually pleased at the thought of being far away from Jim's pranks, with some peace and quiet. He hopes to be able to use the long, isolated winter to draft the perfect paper sales pamphlet, and spends his days locked in the office, typing away. After a while, the isolation begins to wear on Dwight, and he begins to lose his mind. He wonders if somehow the pranks have followed him here. Dwight's young son, who has the power of the Smirking, is able to see ghostly apparitions of pranks gone horribly wrong over the past hundred years. Eventually, Dwight is driven mad, and it is revealed that his sales pamphlet is just endless variations of "All work and no pranks make Jim a dull boy." Dwight loses his mind and chases his son around the abandoned office, trying to prank him. Dwight's son eventually loses Dwight in a maze made of stacked paper crates, and Dwight freezes to death. A picture on the wall of the Dunder Mifflin office shows Dwight, many years ago, smiling. Behind him, Jim is making bunny ears and mugging the camera.
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Oct 19, 2021 19:05
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"Hey Dwight, let me AXE you a question!" says Jim, gleefully, as he throws an axe at Dwight. Dwight, trained in self-defense, easily catches the clumsily thrown axe and locks it in his weapons drawer. "KNIFE catch, Dwight!" A knife awkwardly flies through the air at Dwight's head. Dwight again easily catches it and locks it in his weapons draw. Jim looks distraught and eventually just wanders away from his desk. Dwight returns to work. Eventually, three police officers surround Dwight and demand he drop to the ground. Dwight complies and the officers tear his desk apart. "Yup, a drawer full of weapons. Jim, thanks again pal, we appreciate the tip." "Hey, I just found cocaine and heroin in here, too. And this guy smells like he's been smoking weed all day long, too!" "Yeah, I smell it, too! And I'll bet this computer is full of illegally downloaded movies! We'll take it in for examination." Jim mugs for the camera as Dwight is carried off by police.
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Oct 20, 2021 14:01
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Jim rents a backhoe and drives it into the parking lot in an effort to both dig a hole for, and then bury Dwight's car. "Hey BALLOON BOY! Come check THIS out!" he calls tauntingly while grinning smugly from the cab as he begins to dig near Dwight's car. Dwight rolls his eyes and flounders slightly for his keys, "I'm just going to move the car!" he calls back over the noise of the machinery. Jim is giggling to himself, now with OSHA approved hearing protection on and pays him no mind as he continues his work. Dwight gets into his vehicle, safely buckles his seat belt, and simply moves the car over several spaces in the now torn up lot as all of the employees look on. At this moment the car, and Dwight, are crushed instantly, by a wrecking-ball dropped from an immense crane driven by Jim's pet monkey, Chips, who he has trained for just this occasion. Jim mugs to the camera.
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Oct 20, 2021 14:14
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Dwight asks Jim to please wear a mask in the conference room, but Jim destroys him with facts and logic
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Oct 20, 2021 14:18
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Dwight starts having terrible nightmares, all of them culminating with Jim appearing and jump-scaring him back into consciousness. After 7 nights of this, Angela finally begs Dwight to confront Jim, convinced that he's somehow involved with this. Jim says he has no idea what's going on, but apologizes for it anyway, saying that his pranks may have gone too far and caused Dwight some actual trauma. He also admits, for the first time, that he may have jumped the shark some time ago and felt compelled to keep coming up with crazier and crazier pranks. Jim and Dwight shakes hands and agree to start anew. After work, Jim rushes home. "My dream re-verbarator is working perfectly! Tonight I think I'll make him relive his father's death!" "Yeah, Jim, that's great, but can you PLEASE help me with dinner? The kids are going crazy." says Pam, obviously exhausted. "Probably because of the amphetamines I gave them. I can't just give these things to Dwight without testing them! Jeez Pam, THINK!" Pam sighs and puts another frozen pizza in the oven while she tries to corral her kids. Jim places a metal helmet on his head and pulls a switch, rocketing him into the Dream Realm so he can torment Dwight again. Pam eyes up the device, specifically the electrical plug powering the life support system that's keeping Jim alive right now. It would be easy, she thinks, to unplug it. So easy.
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Oct 20, 2021 14:41
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There is a "Chips-centric" episode featuring Jim's new monkey, in a clear ploy to win back flagging ratings by a writing crew that's well out of ideas. Jim's new monkey Chips grabs sodas and snacks for Jim from the break room. Chips gets on Dwight's desk and does a funny little dance; Dwight is trying to look annoyed but almost breaks and smiles a few times. Chips walks up to Dwight wearing a adorable tuxedo and carrying a tray of wine. Incredibly, he sets glasses and Dwight and Jim share a toast, to Chips! "I can't wait to see what exciting pranks Chips gets up to next week!" says Andy, in confessional.
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Oct 20, 2021 14:53
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Whenever Chips isn't on the screen, everyone in the office is asking "where's Chips?"
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Oct 20, 2021 15:02
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Unfortunately we just received word that Chip died on the way to his home planet. 
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Oct 20, 2021 15:06
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Chips was an alien?
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Oct 20, 2021 15:07
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It was a very convincing monkey disguise.
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Oct 20, 2021 15:09
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Jim promises to drive Dwight to the fireworks factory but they encounter a rapping dog that steals Jim's car.
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Oct 20, 2021 15:13
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Dwight finds the dog with the backwards hat to be "super cool" and hopes his "new friend" can join Dwight and Chips on "lots of fun new adventures... at the new diner that [Dwight] just bought!" They all skateboard to off into the distance.
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Oct 20, 2021 15:20
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It has taken years of planning, untold resources, and a blackout of the Northern Pennsylvania power grid on the final night, but it's done: the ultimate prank. Jim has swapped consciousness with Dwight, and the possibilities are endless. Jim-as-Dwight arrives at the office early for the first time ever, and is so excited to see Dwight-as-Jim's reaction he stumbles over his own line the moment he steps through the glass doors. "H-how's it going, bubble boy?". But only Toby is in the office this early, and he gives a perplexed look in return. Embarrassed by this pratfall, Jim-as-Dwight takes a seat and resolves to get some work done while he steadies himself. It's after 9:30 when Dwight-as-Jim saunters into the office. He gives Pam a confident pat on the butt (she giggles, girlishly) and asks Jim-as-Dwight "What's up, balloon boy?" as he takes his seat. Jim-as-Dwight was so absorbed in his spreadsheet he didn't even notice someone walking in, and feels flummoxed and at a loss for words at the casual disrespect he is being shown. Throughout the day, Dwight-as-Jim makes friendly banter with his coworkers, flirts openly with Pam, and casually rejects a dinner invitation from Michael with an improbable story. Meanwhile, Jim-as-Dwight finds himself constantly confounded and at a loss in social situations. The jokes and pranks that had seemed so ingenious the night before now feel awkward and forced, and after a few attempts he stops even trying. Pam shows him only contempt, and when he tries to explain that he's the real Jim she acts as if he isn't even talking. Michael dismissively informs him that he and Jan are taking "a break" from eating dinner and that Jim-as-Dwight can't come over tonight. Dejected and frustrated at this failed prank, Jim-as-Dwight gets his lunch bag out of the refrigerator and sits down to eat. To his horror, he finds his Jell-O cup has been replaced with a stapler. "That's a weird lunch." states Dwight-as-Jim flatly, who has inexplicably appeared in the break room. A smirk flashes across his face, before he grabs two sodas and heads off with Pam to the conference room.
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Oct 20, 2021 16:33
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Michael has been especially down in the dumps lately, following his breakup with Holly. Dwight invites him over to a night of television, a pizza, and some beer. Michael, dejected and lonely, accepts. When Michael arrives at Shrute Farms, he expects the worst. But Dwight's homemade beet pizza is actually delicious. And the Groove Brewing nanobrewery beers compliment it perfectly. Michael is warming up, especially when he sees Dwight's big screen OLED television ("I actually don't watch much," confesses Dwight, "But it was part of my sales incentive for exceeding my numbers last year.") and two La-Z-Boy chairs set up with a snack table between them. But he rolls his eyes and snorts when Dwight starts the show: Battlestar Galactica (the reboot). "Oh, Dwight!? Come on! Is that one of of those... those... nerd shows?" Dwight shushes Michael, and asks him to just watch. Eventually, the gritty, plot-driven extended-length pilot ends, and Michael makes a pretense of being uninterested, "Well, since I'm here, you might as well run the next episode." Over the course of the night, Michael becomes enthralled with Battlestar Galactica, and learns to love the characters, the setting, and the adventure. He keeps asking for "one more episode, please, just one more!" until Dwight reminds him that it's past three in the morning. Michael settles down in the chair, leans it back, and Dwight covers him with a throw blanket. "Thank you, Dwight," says Michael, as he drifts off to sleep, "This was just what I needed. You're a good friend." The next morning, Michael and Dwight drive to work. As soon as they walk through the door, Jim (wearing thick-framed nerd glasses) starts making fun of Dwight and his "Beet-le Star Gobbleygook" show. Michael, always trying to be cool, doesn't defend him. Dwight doesn't invite Michael back to watch the rest of Battlestar Galactica, and Michael feels a chronic, hidden pain for years at never seeing the ending. Eventually, he realizes that being cool isn't worth humiliating his friends, or letting others decide what he does and doesn't like. Dwight and Jim relax that weekend in the easy chairs, watching through Game of Thrones on Dwight's TV. "Thanks, Jim. I think this was a good growing experience for Michael. And now he doesn't need to ever see the awful last season of Battlestar. Everything went off, just like we'd planned." "No problem, Balloon Buddy." Jim says, with a slight smirk as he begins Season 8 of Game of Thrones, "Just like we planned."
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Oct 20, 2021 16:54
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Jim convinces Dwight that a former employee, Darius, was forgotten by the staff at Scranton.
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Oct 20, 2021 17:44
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Dwight learns, through a crying Pamela, that Jim has been secretly feeding their children amphetamines. He's understandably shook by this revelation and asks Michael to please allow him some personal time off, without going into further detail, simply wanting to go to the authorities and try to figure out the best course of action. Michael assures him that this is fine, and that he will back and support him in this, even without knowing all the details. As Dwight exits the building and heads to his car, he's instantly crushed by a falling wrecking ball, dropped from a crane, driven by Chips. Now hundreds of miles away in a camper van, Jim mugs nothing.
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Oct 20, 2021 17:49
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Big Beef City posted:Dwight learns, through a crying Pamela, that Jim has been secretly feeding their children amphetamines. *me, in the audience* WHOOAAA... CHIIIIIIIIIIIIPS!!!!!!!!!!
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Oct 20, 2021 18:08
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While setting up a prank, Jim falls off a ladder and breaks his neck. He survives, but is left quadriplegic and confined to a wheelchair that he moves by blowing air through a tube. Dwight, despite being a good person, cannot stop laughing every time he sees Jim. This fact bothers him so much that he begins seeing a therapist, asking if he's a bad person for laughing at a disabled person. Dwight's therapist explains that Dwight most likely feels uncomfortable around Jim after years of pranks, and his laughing is a nervous reaction to this. Dwight feels better about himself, but is still unable to stop laughing every time Jim blows through his tube and wheels around the office. At one point Jim accidentally spills coffee on his lap and Dwight has to excuse himself before he makes himself sick from laughing. This continues for weeks until Dwight finally requests a transfer to another branch, saying that it's not fair to Jim. Dwight does well at his new branch, even though his commute is now nearly 3 hours long since he is also maintaining Schrute Farms. One day, while on his long drive, he sees Jim walking on the road. Jim jauntily waves at him and Dwight quickly pulls over and asks what is going on. "I'm walking, dumbo, what do you think? That chair's cool and all but sometimes you gotta stretch your legs." Jim mugs for the camera as Dwight stares at the ground in front of him and feels tears starting to form in his eyes.
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Oct 20, 2021 18:59
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poisonpill posted:Michael has been especially down in the dumps lately, following his breakup with Holly. Dwight invites him over to a night of television, a pizza, and some beer. Michael, dejected and lonely, accepts. drat this is a good one
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Oct 20, 2021 22:45
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Jim accidentally sets of one of his own "prank traps" while setting it up for Dwight. As Jim drifts above the rooftops of Scranton in a lawn chair tied to a pair of weather balloons, Jim remarks, "I guess I'm the balloon boy, now!" Jim mugs for the documentary crew trailing him in the helicopter.
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Oct 21, 2021 02:09
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Jim notices that Stanley only laughs when he pranks Dwight in a specific way. Stapler in Jell-O? Stonefaced Stanley. Personal possessions in the vending machine? Nothing. But when Dwight opened up his desk to reveal a foot-long, vibrating, silicone penis, Stanley falls on the floor laughing. "Are you ready for some DILDOS!" Stanley shouts. All week long, Jim puts masturbatory aids in Dwight's desk, Stanley is in hysterics. Finally, satisfied with a solid week of pranking, Jim walks out to the parking lot on Friday and drives away. Dwight walks out with a large shopping bag. Stanley comes around the corner. "How many did you get?" Stanley asks. "Twenty-six. That's thirteen each." Dwight takes out a baker's dozen marital aids from the bag and loads them into Stanley's trunk. They drive away. The camera operator dials her producer. "No, I can't follow Stanley to find out why he wanted like a dozen fake penises. I don't want to be fired, but I just can't." She listens intently to the voice on the other end, "okay, I'll pack up my things." Months later, the sexual harassment lawsuit against PBS for wrongfully terminating the Camerawomen wraps up. $3.5 million in damages awarded. The Camerawoman leaves the courthouse, takes her settlement to the bank, and puts all the cash in three briefcases. She walks out and gets into a nearby Lincoln Towncar. Dwight and Stanley are inside, drinking champagne. They pour the camerawoman a glass and toast to the success of their scheme. The car pulls away, the camera dollies back to reveal a figure in the bank parking lot, watching the car with binoculars. It's Jim, he puts the binoculars down, takes out his laptop, and pulls up a GoFundMe. It's for a new book and movie adaptation from Scranton's hottest sci-fi novelist: Mij Palhert. The highest donor is $1.1 million from superfan D.K. Schrute. Jim updates the GoFundMe to reveal that the book and movie will be titled: Through a Scanner Smugly. Jim gets in his car and starts the engine. A dump truck carrying 10 tons of gravel backs into him and drops its entire load on Jim's car. This buries the car, crushing Jim to death. The dump truck door opens and out steps Roy. Pam pulls up in a Porsche convertible. They kiss deeply. As they screech through the streets of Scranton they reveal how they had been in love the entire time, and the whole breakup plus Roy opening a successful gravel company was the real ultimate prank. Pam withdraws everything from her husband's gofundme, sends an email to Dwight from Jim's work account saying, "it was just a prank, I'll give the money back. Please don't go through with whatever this is." She attaches a receipt Roy forged in Dwight's name for 10 tons of gravel, and hits send. The car enters the freeway, Pam tosses the laptop off an overpass and laughs. The camera zooms out as they roll down the highway toward Mexico. They roll up the ragtop as it begins to snow. The camera continues to zoom out to reveal they are inside a snow globe. Mose stares at them, his tail wagging happily. He nuzzles the snow globe, knocking it over and breaking the glass. Meredith has to be taken to the hospital. With a bark of approval, Mose trots off to find more mischief.
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Oct 21, 2021 02:40
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Wow, what a rollercoaster!
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Oct 21, 2021 03:37
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Mose is the best dog
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Oct 21, 2021 04:36
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Jim puts a bucket of soapy water up on the ceiling then puts a broom handle up against it to hold it up. Then he calls Dwight over and asks if he's saying enough to hold up the broom. Dwight scoffs and says of course he is and grabs the broom handle, holding up the bucket on the ceiling. Jim runs gleefully out of the room, and Dwight realizes he has no way out of this situation
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Oct 21, 2021 04:40
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Jim wishes Dwight a happy birthday and brings him a slice of cake. Dwight says it's not his birthday, but thanks him for the cake. This continues for the next week, every day Jim bringing Dwight a slice of cake and wishing him a happy birthday. On Friday night, Dwight crawls into bed and feels an unfamiliar ache in his back. "Dwight, honey, have you always had that patch of grey hair?" Dwight looks in the mirror and his shocked to see a streak of grey hair running through his hair. There are a few random white hairs in his 5 o'clock shadow, too. Dwight tells Angela that he's been under a lot of stress, and he'll dye it if she wants. "No, I'm excited to be married to a silver fox. It makes you look... distinguished." Jim's bizarre birthday prank continues the next week. On that Friday night Dwight can barely get into bed. His hair is now completely grey and is starting to thin on top. His body aches with each step. "Dwight, you need to go to a hospital. Something is wrong. You look like you've aged --" Dwight cuts her off. He says he looks like he's aged 10 years. The exact number of times Jim has wished him "Happy Birthday". The couple heads to the hospital the next day and the doctor agrees - Dwight looks terrible. Although they find nothing physically wrong, he has the body of a man 10 years older than Dwight's chronological age. The doctor asks if Dwight's been eating anything different lately. Dwight realizes he has - the cake Jim's been bringing him. The hospital runs a series of tests of Dwight but finds no obvious signs of poisoning. The doctor tells Dwight to try and grab a piece of the cake so they can test that. Dwight heads into work on Monday and Jim again wishes him a happy birthday. Dwight thanks him and grabs the cake, but stealthily places it inside a plastic bag and hands it off to Angela. She runs it to the hospital for testing. "Hey Dwight, buddy, you're looking OLD lately. Everything okay at home?" Dwight tells Jim that he's fine, he's just been feeling a little tired lately. But he's going to see a professional soon that should help him out. "Oh, you mean that jerk-face at the hospital? The one you had Angela bring the cake to? Yeah, he's not gonna find anything, balloon boy. Or should I say, Zeppelin Boy? Since you're so old." Shocked, Dwight asks what the hell Jim is doing. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Jim starts screaming it and marching around the office. He pulls a trumpet out from behind a filing cabinet and starts tooting on that between every few "Happy Birthdays!" that ring out in his shrill voice. Dwight feels his body aging with each utterance. His mustard yellow shirt hangs loosely on his body. His spine begins to bend and he involuntarily hunches over. Everything hurts. His hair begins to fall out. His vision and hearing begin to fade. He opens his mouth and most of his teeth tumble out onto his desk. Dwight's phone starts ringing - it's Angela. "Dwight, the doctors can't find anything wrong with the cake. They think it must be something else in the office. Honey, get the heck out of there right now, please!" "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" continues to ring out, followed by a madman's trumpet solo. Dwight struggles to get to his feet and heads for the door. Both of his knees feel like they're on fire but he pushes through the pain. He can barely see now, and everything around him sounds like it's happening underwater, but he knows he needs to make it to the door. His clothes hang on him like a circus tent now. Each step is agony, but Dwight finally makes it to the door. He places his arthritis riddled hand on the door knob and starts to turn when Jim rushes behind him. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" With the third utterance, Dwight feels a sharp pain rocket through his chest and up his arm. Heart attack, he thinks, a loving heart attack. Jim keeps screaming and Dwight's body is riddled by multiple heart attacks, all while the rest of his body continues aging rapidly. Dwight knows if he can just get through the door he has a chance ,but his body doesn't even have the strength to turn the door knob. Jim is still screaming as Dwight collapses to the floor, his entire body rapidly dying. Dwight passes away, mercifully, after a few more screams from Jim. His skeletal body lays there, draped in a mustard yellow shirt and brown pants, and begins rapidly decaying as Jim keeps yelling. The office goes silent once Jim finally stops. All that remains of Dwight is a mummified corpse. Jim stares at it for a long time, enjoying his handiwork. Kelly finally shows up to work, wearing a giant button on her shirt that says "BIRTHDAY GIRL". "Oh, don't make a big deal or anything guys but it is my birthday today. Again, not a big deal but my wish list is available online if you want to look! Hint hint, Ryan! Just kidding. But not really!" Jim stares at Kelly, slowly breathing, a predator sizing up a potential new target. As Kelly rushes back to the annex, Jim slowly turns his head to follow her. "Happy Birthday, Kelly." he says, smugly.
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Oct 21, 2021 13:19
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Finally tiring of the never-ending pranks, Dwight hires a bodyguard to handle Jim. The bodyguard, a hulking man that asks Dwight to call him "Big Tony", is incredibly nice and tells Dwight not to worry. Dwight and Big Tony share a delicious beet dinner on Sunday night and become friends, ready to start Monday and finally end the vicious pranking cycle. On Monday, Jim is in rare form. It's barely after 9 am when he hands Dwight a cup of coffee. Big Tony grabs it. "Hey, Jimmy, how about you take a sip of this?" "Uhhhh, it's really for Dwight, though." "Drink it. Take a big old sip, for me, okay? Or maybe I'll make you drink it, and we wouldn't want that, would we?" "No, no I guess not." Jim drinks the coffee and instantly begins coughing. Chili powder. Big Tony pats Jim on the shoulder and tells him he's a quick learner. At lunch, Jim's natural love of pranks overrides his common sense and he puts a woopie cushion on the chair where Dwight plans to sit. Big Tony sees it and picks it up. "Jim! You put this thing down, huh? Classic prank. You know what else is a pretty classic prank?" With that, Big Tony easily lifts Jim off the ground with one hand, grabs the elastic of his underwear with the other, and then gives Jim the biggest atomic wedgie of his life. He finishes by tossing Jim across the break room, sending plastic chairs careening all over the floor. "Funny guy, Jim! You're a really funny guy!" Despite all of this, Jim STILL tries a final prank at the end of the day. This time, he puts a potato in the exhaust pipe of Dwight's car. Big Tony, of course, sees it first. He calmly walks over and removes the potato, then walks over to Jim, who's getting in the car with Pam. As Jim sees the giant man walking his way, he begs Pam to start driving. Pam pretends to fumble for the keys, but is eagerly watching Big Tony as he heads for Jim. For the first time since she married Jim, Pam feels a deep level of satisfaction and happiness building inside of her. Big Tony crashes through the passenger side window, wraps two big hands around Jim's head, and yanks him out the window. He sets Jim down and, when he tries to run, grabs him by the collar of his shirt and easily holds him. "You know, I like potatoes too, Jimmy. But uh... I think you're cooking this one the wrong way. I'm not Gordon Ramsay or nothing, but I don't think an exhaust pipe can cook a potato. Do you?" Jim is dead silent. Sweat starts to pour down his face and his eyes nervously dart back and forth. "Nah, now there are a lotta fun ways to prepare potatoes, though. Mashed potatoes." Big Tony smashes stomps on Jim's right foot. There's a series of sickening cracks as the immense pressure shatters several bones in Jim's foot. "Oh, and don't forget smashed potatoes." With that, he brings a knee up into Jim's face. Jim lets out a yell and recoils backwards, his face covered in blood and his nose now hanging crooked on his face. "Which are basically mashed but with the skins. Still pretty good. You can roast em, too." Big Tony brings out a lighter and lights Jim's tie on fire. The flame quickly spreads to Jim's shirt and he starts futilely patting at it, trying to put the fire out. "But my personal favorite? I love french fries. loving love 'em. Do you like french fries, Jimmy?" Jim, dressed in a smoldering shirt and with blood oozing out of his face, has no idea what to say. His foot is in incredible pain and he can feel it swelling inside of his shoe. He just stands there, stupidly, afraid of what's coming next. Big Tony smiles at Jim. "Well, I guess we can figure that out tomorrow. Have a good night, miss." Big Tony tips his hat to Pam, who blushes profusely. Jim hobbles into the car and Pam drives away. Before they're out of sight, Dwight sees Jim vomit out the now-shattered passenger side window. "Well, Dwight, see ya tomorrow?" Dwight shakes Tony's hand and they head their separate ways. At the Halpert home, Pam drags Jim into the living room. "Well, see you tomorrow." she says, absentmindedly, as Jim bleeds out on the floor. Pam heads upstairs and Jim hears a distinct buzzing noise soon afterwards, punctuated by an occasional moan or yelp. "Heh.... joke's on Dwight. Now HE'S the bully! Talk about irony!" Jim is forced to cut his own shoe off to remove his swollen foot, but is in too much pain to walk upstairs. He falls asleep on the couch and has a night full of smug dreams.
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Oct 21, 2021 14:27
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it's the first day of school for little Phillip Schrute, and dwight and angela wave as he toddles up to the school gates clutching his largely beet-based packed lunch. later that day, jim smugly performs a mass school shooting, as a prank
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Oct 21, 2021 15:20
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It's "Beach Day" for Dunder Mifflin as Michael hires a bus to take the overworked staff to a local lake for a day of rest and relaxation. Dwight changes into his new Battlestar Galactica swimming trunks, eager to take a swim. "Oh man Dwight, you sure you want to walk around shirtless like that? No offense, buddy, but I'm looking out for you here." says Jim, smugly. Dwight, not normally one to feel self-conscious, gets a tinge of embarrassment. Maybe he has put on a few pounds lately? Work has been stressful and he hasn't been watching his diet as much lately, either. He looks down at his stomach and frowns. "Listen, I used to be just like you. A big fat gently caress. But I know a doctor... well, he can do cosmetic surgery for dirt cheap. Just look at this!" Jim seductively removes his t-shirt (it says "SEX MACHINE" on it) and shows his own tight, taut stomach. He also has an extremely thin waist, almost inhumanly so. "He took out my fat and my extra ribs, Dwight. You probably got them, too. And now I have this hourglass figure, which is great!" Jim hands Dwight a business card and sashays away, wiggling his hips at everyone who makes eye contact with him. Dwight stares at the card for a long time, then glances down at his stomach again. He decides to pay the doctor a visit the next day. The doctor's office is located in a quiet industrial park, and Dwight starts to get nervous as soon as he signs in for his appointment. But the office itself seems clean and professional, and the doctor explains that he gives everyone a thorough mental health check before performing any surgery. When Dwight asks about Jim, the doctor admits that he "Made a mistake" and that Jim had "a lot of deep-seated issues that surgery can't fix". He then adds that he's performed the surgery dozens of times successfully since then, and all of his customers were extremely happy. The doctor eyes up Dwight and agrees with Jim - Dwight has 4 floating ribs that could be removed for a more sleek figure. Dwight, still feeling the sting of Jim's comments, hastily agrees. The next week, as Dwight is given the gas to put him to sleep before surgery, the doctor again states that he's "learned a lot since Jim got this surgery" and urges Dwight not to worry. This, however, makes Dwight extremely nervous. When he wakes up, though, he feels great. He looks at his stomach - it's flat and his love handles are completely gone for the first time since he was a child. He thanks the doctor and returns home to rest and recuperate. That night, Dwight hears strange music faintly in the distance. It sounds like a harp of some kind. Dwight ignores it, too tired and full of pain medication to worry much. But after 4 nights of the same eerie notes, Dwight decides to find the source. He follows the music through the woods outside of his barn, eventually finding a clearing with a stump on it. Jim is sitting on the stump, strumming a harp. Jim notices Dwight and stops playing. "Hey surgery-buddy! Like the music?" Jim holds up his strange instrument. The moonlight illuminates it and Dwight realizes, with horror, that it's made of a human rib. "Now, you're probably already figuring this out, but just pretend like it's a shock, okay? This rib belongs to you!" Jim strums the harp again and Dwight feels a dull ache grow in his abdomen. "I'm glad you made it out here. Would you like to join us for dinner?" Jim motions to a table that Dwight hadn't noticed before. A tablecloth is spread over it, 3 chairs are sitting with plates and silverware in front of them. And in the middle of the table is a large covered platter. Suddenly the doctor who operated on Dwight walks through the woods, grabs a seat, and asks Jim when dinner starts. "Oh, I think we're ready. Dwight, you wanna guess what we're having?" Dwight already knows and tries to run, but is too frozen in horror to react. Jim reaches over and lifts up the platter, revealing a massive plate of barbecue ribs. The smell hits Dwight. Pork, but not quite pork. He remembers now that sometimes people call it "Long pig". Yes, a "polite" way of saying human flesh. The doctor and Jim tear into the ribs and start devouring them, getting flecks of meat and gobs of barbecue sauce all over their faces. Jim cleans a rib completely of all fat and gristle, then puts it in his pocket. "I'll probably make a xylophone out of this one! By the way, did you know I got the rest of the office to sign up for the surgery? Even Toby! We'll be eating good for a while, won't we doc?" The doctor stupidly nods and shoves more human flesh in his face. Jim mugs for the camera, his face absolutely covered in barbecue sauce. Dwight turns to run away. Toby is standing there, his body now as thin as pool noodle. His tubular body sways side-to-side as he reaches towards Dwight, his lifeless eyes rolling around like marbles in his skull. "Oh yeah, Toby got the DELUXE treatment!" says Jim, smugly, as he continues to chow down.
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Oct 21, 2021 16:28
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Jesus
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Oct 21, 2021 22:39
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jim nails dwight to a cross
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Oct 21, 2021 23:12
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The harried FBI agent pauses at the door before heading in, warm cup of coffee dulling the pain in his hand. 3rd day and still the same grind, he thinks. He sits down in front of the disheveled man. Unkempt hair, mismatched, stained clothes, bored eyes. The house he was found in... ugh. His stomach lurches as he remembers the photographs. A sip of coffee centers him. Here we go again. "Tell us wh--" "my name is jimposter69..." The captured man speaks quietly, practiced. "I first found out about Jim Pranks on the Somethingawful--" The agent stands up and walks out. The man will repeat his speech 2 more times then put his head down. Just like last time. And the time before that. No progress, he thinks before downing the last bit of coffee. Stuck in traffic. He thinks about what would lead someone to just waste away in front of a computer, posting swaths of hideous abuse in the guise of humor. He thinks through the pages of posts that were recovered: "habañero-infused crazy glue on a toilet seat". "Radio controlled puppets". "Multi-thousand dollar projector system to simulate VR". A chuckle emerges. Lost in thought, he muses "what about.. heh... beet curry... hahahah" The laughter increases. The man is left clutching his chest. The disheveled goon "My name is Jimposter69..." He turns and mugs at his reflection.
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Oct 21, 2021 23:29
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Dwight, Pam, and Brian the cameraman slam the doors shut while Jim runs to grab a desk and shoves it up against the door. The hoard of mindless undead just outside the office building push into the barricades, but they hold. Their incessant muttering “praaaanks, praaaaanks” fills the uneasy silence. Jim pulls a revolver and points it wildly at the other three. “Did any of them prank you? DID ANY OF THEM PRANK YOU?” “Im cool,” says Dwight, “and put that thing away. We have to trust each other or we’re not making it out of here.” Pam turns to Brian. “Thank you, for what you did out there. I’ve never seen anyone act so brave.” Brian looks into Pam’s eyes. “I’d do it for you in a heartbeat. I… I….” Suddenly Brian starts to convulse. His hair begins to flop and his mouth twists into a smirk. “I… oh god. Run. E….pranks. Praaaaanks!” Dwight grabs a fire axe and embeds it right into Brian’s chest as Brian starts to involuntarily mug the nearest camera. “See!? See!? It could be any of us next! One prank and you become one of them!” Shouts Jim, as he points the revolver back and forth between Dwight and Pam. “Easy, brother. Just take it easy,” says Dwight, creeping closer to a frenzied Jim. “We’re all cool here. Just take it-“ “Back! Stay back!” Jim is frantic now, and Pam starts to cry. Suddenly, the undead pranksters break through the doors, pushing the desk aside. The desk had been emptied, and one half had been put on a dolly from the warehouse. For a half second everyone freezes. Then Jim shrugs. “I figured, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em! One last prank to end them all!” Then he turns the revolver on himself, puts the barrel in his mouth, and pulls the trigger. Somehow Dwight and Pam fight their way to the rooftop, where a helicopter carries them to safety.
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Oct 22, 2021 01:02
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Dwight wakes up in bed in an unfamiliar room. He smells stale sweat and urine all around him. He tries to move, but finds himself too tired to do so. He falls back asleep. "Hey! Hey Dwight! Wake up!" Dwight is pulled back into consciousness by a voice yelling at him again and again. He realizes that he has a roommate, another man in a similar bed. He's old and, from what Dwight can surmise, close to death. His papery skin hangs loosely on a too-thin body, it looks like he's been ravaged by some horrible disease. "Wake up, roomie! It's almost dinner time. We're having pot roast tonight, you don't wanna miss it. Nurse Angela should be in shortly." Dwight repeats the name to himself and is shocked to her his voice. Weak and raspy, the voice of an old man. Dwight looks down at his hands and sees what he feared - the telltale signs of extreme age. Dwight cautiously touches his face and finds the same. Deep wrinkles line his formerly youthful face. HIs head is completely bald. What the hell is going on? Nurse Angela carefully gets Dwight out of bed and places him in a wheelchair to wheel him down to the cafeteria. She looks familiar to him. Blonde, petite, and with the voice of an angel. Dwight feels a deep sadness in his heart, a feeling of something lost and forgotten. Angela drops Dwight at the cafeteria. "Alright, D, I'll be back to get you in an hour." D. Dwight remembers being called that before, by a woman who loved him. But it feels like a dream, one he can't quite remember. Pushing this aside, Dwight grabs a tray of food and sits down next to his roommate. Dwight slowly eats the bland food, a pale grey mush. He asks his roommate if they have anything else. "What? Like some beets? You're always talking about beets in your dreams. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica. Whatever the heck THAT is." Dwight asks his roommate to explain a few things, saying that he's been having memory problems. "Well, you're 82 years old, that makes sense. I'm Ralph Jet. I'm you're roommate. You've been kind of... in and out of things... for a while. Lots of dreams, lots of nightmares. I think you're remembering an old job or something. Your daughter told me once that you used to be a travelling salesman." Dwight admits that he has been feeling very strange lately, struggling to remember what's real and what's not. Sometiems he remembers being a salesman,, but he swears he worked in an office. And that there was a whole host of crazy characters around him. In fact, there was one person who would generously be described as crazy. Evil was more like it. A guy who tormented Dwight, made life an absolute hell for years. Why, Dwight remembers one time the guy stuck his stapler in - "Jello?" Dwight practically jumps out of his wheelchair as Ralph says the word. He looks at him in shock. "Dwght? I just asked if you want any jello. That's what they're serving for dessert." Dwight apologizes but says no to the jello, he's not really hungry any more. When dinner is over, Nurse Angela returns and wheels Dwight back upstairs to his room. He asks her if they could take a detour outside to watch the sunset. "Sure, D. I think that would be nice." Angela and Dwight quietly watch the sunset. Dwight feels tears running down his cheeks, followed shortly by Angela dabbing them away with a tissue. Angela pats Dwight's withered hand with her own and asks if everything is okay. Dwight asks her, candidly, if she ever has dreams about another place. An office where they worked together. A place where they might even have fallen in love. Angela squeezes Dwight's hand tightly. "Yeah, D, sometimes I do. It's a good dream." The sun sets. That night, Dwight tosses and turns trying to fall asleep. Something is gnawing at him, preventing him from getting comfortable. Why are his dreams so vivid? Why do they feel so much like memories? Ralph helped explain a lot, but why can't Dwight remember his daughter's face or name? He'll have to ask Ralph in the morning. Ralph Jet. What a weird name, thinks Dwight. "I'm Ralph Jet" I-M-R-A-L-P-H-J-E-T. J-I-M-H-A-L-P-E-R-T. Jim Halpert. Dwight sits up in the darkness of his room. He can hear his roommate breathing heavily. Dwight realizes with dawning horror that he needs toe scape this room without alerting the man, whoever he is, to the fact that Dwight is now awake. More importantly, the man can't figure out that Dwight is beginning to figure out what's going on. Dwight cautiously creeps out of bed. He hasn't stood on his own in years but does it now, his spirit renewed with new purpose and strength. He must get out. He must figure out what's going on. He takes one painful step after another, carefully measuring each step. He reaches the door and slowly starts to turn the doorknob. It clicks. "Dwiiiiiiiiiight! Dwiiiiight! Stay here, where are you gooingggggg? Pleasssse." Dwight runs through the door, his aged joints creaking with each movement. He makes it to the staircase but trips over his own feet. He tumbles down the steps, breaking both of his fragile wrists in the process. As he lays there in incredible pain, he looks at the door to the first floor. A man is looking through the glass window. He's smiling, smugly, at Dwight. The door clicks and the man steps into the stairwell and slowly walks towards Dwight. He's tall and gaunt, with floppy hair. He kneels down next to Dwight and puts his hands over Dwight's mouth and nose. Dwight starts to suffocate. The man starts to laugh. "Hey, you'll figure it out one day. This is one of your best runs yet! It only took you 82 years to get this close, let's see how quick you can do it next time!"
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Oct 22, 2021 15:15
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| # ? May 30, 2024 13:34 |
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One afternoon after work, Jim convinces Dwight to come with him to one of his favorite haunts, a sort of Tiki-themed dive bar a little ways a way from the office. They've got karaoke! Dwight is, obviously, reluctant, but, trying to be polite AND make amends with Jim for all these years of pranks and hard feelings, agrees. After a couple of delicious (and more than a little oversized) tropical drinks, and the house special sweet and sour wings, Dwight agrees to join Jim on stage for a rendition of "Mama Told Me Not To Come" by Three Dog Night. By incalculable chance and fortune they both NAIL the song AND there is a local producer present at the bar who can't help but notice the unlikely duo. After their act, he approaches them with a small recording offer, just a little something to see how it goes, as it were. Their first album, a yacht rock, crooning epic by the now titled 'BackBeet Boys' feat. Jimmy Sea and Balloon Boy goes double platinum. It's inexplicable. It's incredible. Obviously Jim and Dwight have left their lives at the office by now for life at the recording studio and are preparing for their first nation wide tour, which is being widely hyped. Unfortunately for Dwight, he doesn't realize that he missed some fine print in their contract. One night, Jim withdraws all of their earnings into his private bank accounts, exactly as the duo were SUPPOSED to appear on Jimmy Falon. While Dwight frantically attempts to find out what happened to the money and contact lawyers to help him instead of making his appearance on the show Jim does indeed show up with his new partner. Falon appears a bit non-plussed but still goofy as ever, asks the house band to play him on, 'Who is it?' he practically screams. It's Chips.
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Oct 22, 2021 15:34
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