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Feb 21, 2003

Today was one of the worst days I've ever had at work. Allow me to explain.

I work as deck crew for a sightseeing boat company in Chicago that does architecture tours on the river downtown. I had already worked two 15 hour days Friday and Saturday and intentionally showed up a half hour late this morning to try and squeeze another half hour of sleep in (I knew what had to be done in the morning on the boatthat I was on, because I left it eight hours previous, and knew how long setup would take). Needless to say, I was already ready to go home.

Then came the 1 o'clock architecture ride. 117 ticketed passengers on board plus an extra four who showed up on Michigan Avenue for a boat ride that actually launches out of Navy-loving-Pier, whom we were nice enough to let on for free.

We're puttering down the river, we turn north at the junction and proceed, as we do on every tour, beneath the Kinzie Street bridge. Now, the bridges all have grated decking. You can look up and see the sky through them. In the Captain's pre-tour safety announcements it's usually mentioned one should not look up with your mouth open in wonder, since a car might go by and you might get an unpleasant "Taste of Chicago" ha ha ha. (The Taste of Chicago is an annual summer food festival held in Grant Park.)

Now, that really never actually ever happens. Not that I've ever seen. Today, of course, had to be different.

I'm relaxed in the pilot house with a crossword (since during the rides themselves I just sit while the people get their tour from the volunteer docent, and the crossword kept me awake) when I hear this splattering noise, like a heavy rain, and a few scattered yelps. I get up, go outside, and look out over the passengers seated on the deck.

The passengers on the left side are all wet, and appear horrified. Something behind the boat is raining through the bridge into the river.
"poo poo," I think, "some idiot Streets & San employee just went over with a street sweeper and soaked our passengers."
Then I notice the passengers appear a lot more horrified than that.

"Oh my god!"
"It got in my mouth!"
"It's urine!"

The smell hits me. It's old urine.

Ah, poo poo.

I look up onto the bridge and see a black coach bus, like the kinds old ladies take group vacations on, disappearing past the buildings. They had gone over the bridge, and being ignorant fucks probably decided they could skip a pisstank pumpout by just opening it into the river, through the bridge. Talk about the wrong place at the wrong time.

I said to the captain, "Turn the boat around. Now."

Now, being the assigned deck crew on this ride, I have to handle this. The captain has to drive. Needless to say, I'm not entirely sure how to handle 60 people who all need to be sanitized and given antibiotic shots at once. We train to handle people falling into the water, heat stroke, poo poo like that, not a torrential downpour of human waste beneath Kinzie street.

All I can do at this point is hold my breath and give away every paper towel and work rag on the boat, and wait until I have a clear idea of exactly what to tell them as a whole. Some passengers are of course visibly distressed. Women have hair matted to their face, peoples clothing is sticking to them, babies are crying. I'm close to being sick all over the deck, and really worried that someone else is going to, because I know as soon as someone does it's just going to be a domino wave of barfing that will sweep across the boat like a sickly sweet stomach shockwave.

Nobody did. Thank God for small favors (you know, the ones He thinks make up for poo poo like this).

These people, to put it bluntly, were very pissed off. Now I also get to be the company PR face, so like a good little worker bee I try and balance being as helpful and understanding and apologetic as I can, with helping to maintain the balance of the Bureaucratic Tower of poo poo looming above me.

The captain's already on the cell phone doing damage control. I'm to tell everyone they are, of course, granted full refunds, and anybody that needs anything extra on top of it because of what happened will get it. I'm specifically told to mention that while we can't call ten ambulances down because the situation is not life threatening, a lot of them are going to want to visit a hospital sometime soon. What I don't mention is some of the poo poo these people will now have to worry about, ranging from tetanus to hepatitis. The best we can do for them is pay for a cab to Northwestern Hospital for anyone who needs it.

Then come the usual asshats.

"We want a representative on the dock, to take names of everyone involved in this."
"How is all this stuff of mine going to be replaced? There's no way I'm going to pay for this."
"You coming out here and telling us that we can have refunds and cab fare to a hospital is downright loving insulting. I want a bus for these people."
( You want a bus? Excuse me, then, Spartacus, while I pull one out of my rear end. )
"Refunds? A lot of us have jewelry on that's now soaked in urine."
( I wasn't aware gold could be used to soak up liquids. )
"I have a flight to catch at five, and now I've got urine in my phone, in my clothes."
You have three loving dots on your sleeve, and let me remind you this is not our fault. It's not as if the captian saw that poo poo pouring down and drove under it anyway.

The problem, of course, was that little bridge joke. It's funny only if it doesn't happen. Now that they've all got that "Taste of Chicago", people have the idea in their heads this poo poo happens all the time and that we know about it, and are therefore to be held accountable for what is in reality a rather hosed up act of God (see above).

We're back at the dock, and an army of urine-soaked people march on the ticket office. Great, they're gone and now they're Diane's problem.

"Well," I thought, "The dock guys are gonna help clean up the boat, and I get to go home early."

Nope. No such luck. As the five of us, including the bartender on the boat, are scrubbing off all 104 chairs and the deck, The captain reappears.

"Who's been telling people there's no 3 o'clock?"
"Not I," says I, then I stop in mid scrub. "Wait ... there's a 3 o'clock?"
"Yeah, they want to send us back out on the 3, and then the 5 after it."
Ah, poo poo.

"Are you kidding me? My shoes and pants legs are soaked in piss and boat soap and they want us to turn the boat around in a half hour for another god damned ride?"
"Yep, 'fraid so."

The Bureaucratic Tower of poo poo, I think, is defined as people at the top having no idea what's actually going on at the bottom, and vice versa.

A call is placed to my father, who now has to make a forty minute drive into the city with a change of clothes for me. (He didn't make it by 3, and I had to spend the next 90 minutes trapped on the boat in loving nasty clothes thanks to the main office and their money.)

Meantime, though, as I scrub my way to the back end (stern), I'm basically running the hose directly into the all-weather speaker to try and get rid of the smell back there. It won't go away. I then look up at the American flag flying off the pole on the stern.

Ah, poo poo. It's soaked too.

We cut it down, I take it and make sure I fold it proper, with the triangles and poo poo, and then of course we smuggle it around past the pilot house where the passengers won't see us placing it into a trash bag to deal with later. :ninja:

Cleanup continues, until a guy on the dock wants to talk to me. I've had people coming up constantly and asking things, what do I do about this, where do I go for that, and I just point at the ticket office and say "Talk to them."

Before I can do that to him he says, "Hi. I'm a photographer for the Chicago Tribune."

Ah, poo poo.

Company policy is that all press stuff has to be directed to our main office. The main office is out in Palatine and nobody there knows a god damned thing about what goes on on the dock anyway besides how much money we make them.

He adds, "I've been getting some good shots of you all cleaning up the boat, and I thought it was touching the way you still folded the flag properly. :911: Can I get your name?"


A 3 o'clock, huh? Yeah, you can get my name. I'll spell the son of a bitch.

So now at least it's over, I'm showered, and I may be in the paper tomorrow.

Any Chicagoons have any ideas as to who might have shat on our boat? Black coach bus, gold letters (nobody got a chance to read them). A few people independently described it as a "Rock and Roll bus," which I can't really explain the meaning behind but it seems important.

I finished the crossword except for 7 letters too. :cool:

EDIT: I took out the name of my captain, at their request, and other employees on my own. The internet apparently made this all popular enough that she saw it, and seeing how badly slanted it is I don't want her catching any more hell for it, since she's already got plenty. So, for the record, all of the above is my own.

Updates: News on page 6, but read the thread, jerk.

Lunaran fucked around with this message at 17:32 on Aug 10, 2004


Mar 30, 2003

If I had a daughter, she'd probably be pregnant by the time she turned 12.

Man, that would have pissed me off. Yer in some deep trouble there.

Edit: part of me wonders if you would have folded the flag up like that if I didn't make such a big deal about it when we lived in the same house. I want to take some credit for this if I can weasle it out somehow :P

scholzie fucked around with this message at 04:15 on Aug 9, 2004

Jun 25, 2002

I'd have been pissed.




Jul 18, 2003

Well, isn't that a pisser.

Edit: No need to get all pissy about it.

Lemons fucked around with this message at 04:06 on Aug 9, 2004

stone soup
Jul 8, 2004


Bob The Ripper
Jan 20, 2004

You can run.
You can hide.
Gonna get ya.

I think you're pissing time away writing this.

The Human Cow
May 24, 2004

hurry up

Man, you'd think a Rock and Roll Bus would be cooler than that.

The Duke
May 18, 2004

The Angel from my Nightmare

Man I wish I could've seen that.

Mormon Juggernaut
Nov 5, 2003

what a t e r r i b l e world

what a b e a u t i f u l world

Wow, that just loving sucks.

Jun 5, 2002
Dude, this title is because you sound like a fucking pompous douche every time you open your mouth. I bet you have shitty tattoos like GodsMullet. PS. Thai food sucks.

I wonder if it was salty.

Feb 21, 2003

Apparently when the poo poo went down, one of the passengers called a friend at the Trib and leaked the story.

Oct 7, 2003

benny with the good hair

You're gonna get sued hardcore. Even if nobody gets remotely sick.

Jun 8, 2004

Queen of Battle

Best non-fiction story ever.

Jun 30, 2004

The Idea Guy


Sorry you had to go through that poo poo.. umm literally.

Magic Underwear
May 14, 2003

Young Orc

Man, you sure got urine on you, if you catch my meaning.

Feb 12, 2004

i dont know any more piss puns :(

May 16, 2004

The difference between confinement and rest is a shift in perspective

I don't suppose you could just find out if any buses were going along that route that day. Do you see that sort of bus often going along that bridge? I'd keep an eye out for it in the future.

.....And maybe a spare set of clothes..


Inspector_71 came out of the closet to say:
You're gonna get sued hardcore. Even if nobody gets remotely sick.

That's a given. I'D loving sue. If i'm COVERED head to toe in urine, and I didnt pay an asian prostitute to do it, you can be drat sure some bad legal poo poo is going to go down.

Jun 1, 2000

Was there poop in the pee-pee?

Mike Barnes
Sep 23, 2003

Karate's Bad Boy

I take delight in your misfortune. Thanks for sharing it!

I guess I'll be on my way then... nice meeting everybody.

Sep 23, 2002
Patience is a virtue.

lol dude ur in deep piss ;) :lol: lol

Wait, what?

Feb 12, 2002

MiG-15 Fagot


Inspector_71 came out of the closet to say:
You can sue your company hardcore. Even if you don't remotely get sick.

Fixed. Them sending you to work in urine-soaked clothes knowing full well the dangers to your health I think can bring you some serious $$$.

I'm normally really against all sorts of frivolous lawsuits, but if I was ever treated like that by my employer, I'd be discussing this with a lawer RIGHT NOW instead of posting this on SA.

Jun 1, 2003

by Ozma

Man I would have told them the what to and where loving fore about that whole going out in urine stained clothes.

This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

Aug 14, 2003

wow, what a story

Nov 20, 2003

I just put money in the Magic Fingers!

So these people know what urine tastes like? I think this trip was doomed from the get go.

Feb 21, 2003


Inspector_71 came out of the closet to say:
You're gonna get sued hardcore. Even if nobody gets remotely sick.

Bring them on, the company's not responsible. Any of the other two dozen+ tour boats on the river that day would have gotten the same treatment had they been in our place.

The CPD are I'm told tracking down the bus in question. If nothing else they're to be held accountable to very strict city laws against polluting the river. They hit you hard for just trash - human waste is a huge no-no.

Hardbody Jones
Dec 14, 2002

Yeah, you really need to talk to a lawyer.

Mar 24, 2003

The Leper Messiah

If it came from the bus's septic tank, be glad that piss was all that was in there.

Jun 29, 2003
The Verbal Herman Munster

I've been on that tour. Sucks about the piss.

May 6, 2002

Me reading your posts

Come on man, it's better to be pissed off than pissed on.


poo poo

Feb 20, 2004
The Guy

Piss happens.

Mar 14, 2003


Thats preety screwed up. Id find that bus driver and beat the piss out of him. Then proced to soak it up with his head.


Aug 18, 2000

The Tribune scooped!

this sig is mmade of RANDOM ok so if u dont like it then just diddle you're button

Wizard of Wang
Aug 8, 2004

Just thinking about this makes my skin crawl, ugh, should of got some pics man.

This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

Aug 18, 2000


Opanami came out of the closet to say:
Just thinking about this makes my skin crawl, ugh, should of got some pics man.
Don't worry, the newsies got more than enough, I'm sure. :c00l:

this sig is mmade of RANDOM ok so if u dont like it then just diddle you're button

Jan 31, 2004

by Earwicker

I think this is the time to let go of your mystifying allegiance to and defense of your company and to start thinking about getting :10bux:

This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

Mar 5, 2004

Well that sure does send your entire day down the crapper.

Jun 18, 2004
dreamer on the run

That is loving disgusting and you should really speak to a lawyer/your company as well as try and locate the fuckers in the bus.

Mar 1, 2002

I have so many things on my social calendar these days, it is difficult to know which you are making reference to, in particular.

From now on, whenever I'm unhappy, I shall say to myself "at least I didn't get pissed on today".

Unless, of course, I did. In which case I will write a thread about it.

Aug 20, 2003

Feasting on the flesh of a recently killed zombie probably wasn't the smartest of moves


Lunaran came out of the closet to say:
Bring them on, the company's not responsible. Any of the other two dozen+ tour boats on the river that day would have gotten the same treatment had they been in our place.

That won't stop a lawyer. You only really have to worry about corporate getting sued. I really can't think of a way anyone could link it to you (plus you probably don't have enough money / equity). Hopefully corporate already has their lawyers working on this already (depending on how large your company is of course).


Aug 13, 2003

I am one hot chick!

Nap Ghost


Luthier came out of the closet to say:

Fixed. Them sending you to work in urine-soaked clothes knowing full well the dangers to your health I think can bring you some serious $$$.

I'm normally really against all sorts of frivolous lawsuits, but if I was ever treated like that by my employer, I'd be discussing this with a lawer RIGHT NOW instead of posting this on SA.

There is the problem there that if he likes his job he would probably be better off just laughing it off - nothing would make your job suck more than launching legal action against your employers. Sure they are not supposed to make your life a living hell, but odds are they will. If the job sucks however, well enjoy getting about 3 months pay for one day of being covered in urine. :)