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Mortimer McMire
Nov 22, 2006

by Ozma


I originally wrote this story as a reply in one of those "funny drinking stories" threads a couple of months ago. It is a very embarrassing story about me when I was a stupid teenager, not that much different from a lot of people's drinking stories, but with a twist of lemon. Lots of people seemed to like it, so I thought I would illustrate and narrate the story in its own thread for maximum hilarity.

This all happened when I was 18 years old. I had dropped out of highschool twice by this point, ditched a lot of my friends because I was a selfish idiot and generally didn't give a gently caress about anything. I hardly ever ate anything and was skinny as gently caress, showered maybe once every three days, took a poo poo load of drugs and smoked like a chimney. I didn't have any prospects for the future. I just followed every impulse I had. I stole hundreds of dollars of stuff from the gas station I worked at. I stole poo poo from my parents. I shop lifted. I'm sure lots of people have been through a phase like this and I feel very sorry for all of you.

Basically, I was a creepy, disgusting and smelly gently caress that almost no one would ever let their daughter be friends with. Upon getting to know me, you would probably never want to see me again.

However, there was one exception to this rule. My ex-girlfriend who I had broken up with about 4 years earlier was my only (and best) friend. It seemed like no matter how strange, hosed up, depressed or disgusting I ever became, she loved me for who I was. Yes, it was one of those "You are the best guy in the universe but I'm not dating you" type moments where we were best friends and single, yet nothing seemed to happen. For simplicity's sake, we'll call her Alice. She was a bit shorter than me, had huge tits, amazing red hair, a great figure and was just wonderful. And I loved her and always wanted to be with her.

Now, the trouble was that I hardly ever saw or talked to Alice, because I was a sociopathic nut case. I hadn't seen her for about three months, until one day, I get a call from her. She told me how she was sad we hadn't seen eachother for a long time and that I should come to an 18th birthday party with her. One of her friends who I didn't know was the birthday girl.

Now, 18th birthday parties mean booze, so I had no reason not to go.

On the other hand, I was trying to clean myself up at this point, so I thought it would be a good opportunity to show Alice how organized and motivated I had become (actually I hadn't changed at all). Even though she loved me (so she said), I always thought the reason that we weren't together was because I was smelly and gross. I decided that at this party, I would straighten my act up, look clean and act as charismatic and sociable as I could, and hopefully impress her friends as well.

So really, all I actually did was shower, shave, do my hair up and wear some nice clothes. BUT no one would see the truth about me, that truth being that i was a creepy piece of poo poo. At least I wasn't wearing some pants stained with mustard and semen or a singlet with cigarette burn holes in it.

So anyway, I showed up at Alice's house about 3 hours before we had to go to the party and she is all "Ooh how I've missed you," and "Wow you look really good tonight!" I was feeling optimistic at this point. Hopefully tonight would be the night when my boyish charms would finally get through to her and we could gently caress like rabbits.

So, we are hanging around Alice's house for the next couple of hours when her mom shows up. Now, Alice's mom is simply awesome. She liked to cook awesome food, tell us funny stories, but most of all, she liked to drink. So she comes storming in in this great mood telling us how great we look together and that we should have some alcohol. She brings out two bottles of wine.

So we started drinking.

We talked about a lot of funny poo poo and laughed a lot. Between the three of us, we drank four bottles of wine. This was a great start to the evening.

Eventually, the time came around where we had to go to the party. So off we went.

We were a bit more than tipsy by the time we got to the party. When we got there, I realized that there was not a single man there. I was the only one. Most of the girls there were quite attractive, contrary to my drawing abilities. What do you call the opposite of a sausage festival? I don't know, but this was one of those. And I had a sausage.

If I didn't end up getting the chance to bed Alice after tonight, then I could move on to the twenty or so other girls that were there.

So anyway, I was at a party with my best friend, lots of hot teenage girls and plenty of alcohol. It was drinking time.



Oh poo poo, now I was really drunk.

I was having a really good time at this point. I was chatting a lot to the girls, feeling super confident and was well pissed.

Now, this is when the poo poo started to hit the fan. I'm sure a lot of you now are thinking, "I go out drinking with hot babes all the time? What's so interesting about all this?" or "I DRINK 8 GALLONS OF ABSINTHE A DAY!" Just be patient.

A girl shows up late to the party. She looks like some kind of a hippie, with pretty loose clothes and some armpits hairs. After greeting everyone and exchanging some chit chat, she sits down in a chair and starts rolling a joint.

I have a bit of a history with marijuana and other illicit substances. Most of the people I've seen that smoke weed seem to chill out and have a good time. Although occasionally when I smoked it that would happen, half the time I would become extremely anxious and start freaking out inside of my own head. I'm one of those guys that has problems with marijuana. Yet, despite this, I continued to smoke it whenever I got the chance. As pissed as I was at that point in time, I figured that I would be ok if had some.

Now, lots of you crackheads out there will know that smoking marijuana after getting drunk is a bad idea. You are right. But that wasn't the real issue here. The real issue was that I was host to several mental problems at this point of time in my life, most notably a profound anxiety which was the cause (or consequence) of a lot of my life problems. Smoking weed didn't help out in this department. In fact, it really hosed my head up a lot.

Actually, being drunk was a bit of an issue too. Uh oh!

I asked her if I could have some and she said yes.

After I'd finished smoking, I sat down into my chair and relaxed for about five minutes. I didn't seem to notice anything going on at this point in time. I'm sure people were chatting and having a great time, but I was totally lost within my own head. Yup, I was getting stoned. And I'm drunk. This is bad.

About ten minutes after I had smoked my joint, I started to feel the drunk/stoned sickness mixture starting to come on. Everything in my field of vision started swirling, and everything i saw looked like it had colored sparks flying out of them. I felt that something was really wrong, and this is the point where I started to freak out. I looked at my hand at the sparks were coming out. I felt like if I didn't do something immediately, then I was going to die.

I desperately pulled myself up out of my chair and stumbled my way across the room. I knocked over a chair as I tried to move past it. I ran outside and started pacing back and forth, not being able to shift my conscious thought away from something very bad happening. I felt like I was going to fall to the ground and be absorbed into it as my body melted. I was very, very afraid.

I felt like an idiot for smoking that joint. Oh how I wish I wish I wish I didn't smoke that joint. That was very bad.

Eventually I got to a point where I knew that I was going to throw up eventually, so I tried to make my way to the bathroom. I found it with great difficulty, flung open the door and ran towards the toilet, getting a firm grip around it in preparation for the vomit.

I sat there for one minute... then two... then five minutes. Nothing happened. There was something amazingly comfortable about sitting there with my hands on that filthy toilet seat, and my chin hanging over the edge of it into the bowl. I sat there for quite a while and all of my fears and anxiety started to disappear into nothingness. All I wanted to do was sit there with my head in that toilet bowl.

Now, being extremely anxious, drunk and stoned at the same time is pretty difficult to describe. After sitting there trying to avoid the outside world for a long time by keeping my head inside the toilet bowl, I was starting to feel like I needed to take a poo poo. So I slowly took my head out of the toilet bowl, pulled my pants down and sat down on the seat. It felt like there was a football up my rear end, and I tried to squeeze it out, but I was feeling way to weird from all of the drunkeness and stonedness to be able to squeeze it out. I sat there for a while, staring at my crotch and tripping out. None of this was at all pleasant.

I apologize if the story frightens you after this point.

While sitting there in that toilet seat and my brain failing to rationally think properly, I remembered that one of my favorite things to do while stoned was to masturbate. Masturbating stoned (and I'm sure doing any sort of sexual activity stoned) just feels totally amazing. It was something I made a point of doing every time I smoked some weed. As creepy as it sounds, at every party I've ever been to and gotten stoned, I've gone to the toilet to have a wank. If I was discrete about it, no one would ever know. Seeing as I was already in the toilet, I decided that I'd have a tug while I was there.

As I was sitting there tugging away and drooling, I started to feel the stoned/drunk sickness coming on again. It must have had something to do with putting all the effort into vigorously jerking off while I was barely able to stay balanced on the toilet seat. Everything started to spin again. Yet, at the same time, I was having the best jerk in the universe and nothing was going to stop me.

So there I was on that toilet seat, drunk, stoned, feeling like I was going to vomit, with a huge poo poo up my rear end and jerking off.

I came. And vomitted. At the same time. All over my crotch.

On top of feeling very strange by all of the chemicals in my brain, the resulting sensations of ejaculating while vomitting sent a shockwave through my body which cause me to spasm with such intensity that I pushed myself off of the toilet seat. As I was doing this, my bowels let loose and the stickiest, thickest poo poo I have ever had in my rectum forced it's way out like in a long segment of Play-Doh coming out of the the cookie cutter mold. Combined with my launch from the toilet seat, the poo poo smeared itself all over the seat and on my bare rear end.

To conclude this ultimate act of humilation, I fell to the tiled bathroom floor drunk, stoned, drooling, unconscious, covered in my own poo poo and vomit, with visible dribblets of semen on the bathroom floor and on my crotch and penis mixed with vomit. At an all girl party.

And that concludes the story of the single most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.

Actually, I'm just kidding. It gets worse.

I didn't close the door.

It was open the entire time.

By the time I was finished covering myself in filth, every girl at the party was either watching through the door, or screaming in horror in the next room about how horrible this was.

Apparently, some of the girls were yelling at me while I was busy, but I was too intoxicated to notice. I shiver to think what they were yelling at me that entire time.

To say that everyone's evening was ruined is an understatement.

Depending on how you look at it, I should either be feeling :clint: or :suicide: about this whole fiasco.

In the meantime, :ssh:


Sep 13, 2003

Contrarian Dick

Bad At Everything

I don't know what to say other then well done.

Aug 20, 2005
renovating. please excuse our mess.

But did you get laid? :psyduck:

Black Griffon
Mar 12, 2005

Well gently caress me, this is just about as far as it gets, nicely told, I guess.

Oct 11, 2005
>.> It wasn't me!

That has to be the most brilliant body fluids story I have heard. Bravo.

million dollar mack
Aug 20, 2006
Larson ain't getting this cow.

Wear it like a badge of honour, that story's way too hosed up to be taken any other way.

Napoleon I
Oct 31, 2005

Goons of the Fifth, you recognize me. If any man would shoot his emperor, he may do so now.

Wait, where did you get absinthe? I didn't know you could get it in the US, and I've always wanted to try it.

Mar 14, 2005

Life's not fair, but at least it has a sense of humor.

Mortimer McMire posted:

What do you call the opposite of a sausage festival?

'Round these parts we call it a tuna party. And your story was pretty :awesome: - it's been my experience that once humiliation and defeat have been suffered, at the very least we can get something back from it by sharing the experience in an entertaining fashion with others.

Mortimer McMire
Nov 22, 2006

by Ozma

Napoleon I posted:

Wait, where did you get absinthe? I didn't know you could get it in the US.

I live in Australia. Apparently the absinthe was from South Africa.

Dec 28, 2003

Sad story, but I loved the perspective on some of the drawings.

Sgt. Shaved Balls
Sep 6, 2006

by Lowtax


You are a true samurai.

Jan 10, 2006
I know this corner of the earth, it smiles at me

:clint: definitely

Great story.

Nothus Infelix
Jan 1, 2006
Scelesti vulgus superstitiosus ignavusque sunt.

Napoleon I posted:

Wait, where did you get absinthe? I didn't know you could get it in the US, and I've always wanted to try it.

Supposedly one can import it from a number of web sites. And if one were to do that, one should get the good stuff, not one of those radioactive green oil blends. Never tried it myself -- anise sounds yucky.

Wonderful story, Mort. The twist at the end blew my mind like ... well, take your pick.

Napoleon I
Oct 31, 2005

Goons of the Fifth, you recognize me. If any man would shoot his emperor, he may do so now.

Mortimer McMire posted:

I live in Australia. Apparently the absinthe was from South Africa.

Ah, cool. Amazing story, by the way.

Fake Edit: Importation ahoy!

Dec 2, 2002

Sit perfectly still. Only I may dance.

Haha oh man, the vomit/poo poo/jizz combo picture is so loving hilarious. Congratulations on your black-affrontedness.

Jan 27, 2007

Rx Suicide emailed me and all I got was this amazingly awesome forum account.

Tortured By Flan


How's the relationship with any/all females involved since then?

Mar 21, 2003

That is why you are the Champ.

Mortimer McMire
Nov 22, 2006

by Ozma

Lothire posted:


How's the relationship with any/all females involved since then?


Nov 13, 2005

It's Yummy and Delicious With Big Breast!

You made my night =]

May 15, 2002

well there that was

May 13, 2006

Rollin' with big Murdog

Your picture prove that there really is nothing funnier than poo stories. That last frame is so great it's almost surreal.

Dec 26, 2006

Itís not your fault, sweetie. Youíre just not pretty enough.

Fantastic story! You had me and my roommate busting.

Mar 31, 2005

going places

Are you even still friends with the redhead anymore or did you avoid her out of shame?

Feb 5, 2004

Weed anxiety, been there. Not as bad as that but I know where you're coming from


Dec 16, 2006
Grim Raper

This story transcends the boundaries for embarrassment. I applaud your effort, and thank you for sharing it with us mortals.

loose slacks
Jul 9, 2006

This looks delicious, I should eat it.

I was completely sure that the story wouldn't live up to its awesome title, but there you have it. There it is indeed.

edit: I mean, wow. I am still crying with laughter.

Mortimer McMire
Nov 22, 2006

by Ozma

gogobunny posted:

Are you even still friends with the redhead anymore or did you avoid her out of shame?

No, but that's because of some other unrelated garbage. We were still friends after this incident.

Dec 12, 2004

You tried to destroy it once before, Commodore.
The result was a wrecked ship and a dead crew.

Fun Shoe

An entertaining tale, lavishly illustrated. But

Mortimer McMire posted:

huge tits

just how big are we talking about here?

Oct 7, 2006

by Lowtax

I vote :clint:, if only for the pics.
How'd it go with the girl afterwards?
edit: I'm slow. :'(

Jun 27, 2005


That's... that's loving priceless. I thought I got drunk last night- I've been trumped.

Mortimer McMire
Nov 22, 2006

by Ozma

shadok posted:

An entertaining tale, lavishly illustrated. But

just how big are we talking about here?


Oct 14, 2004

Fucking gholas.

Wasn't this exact same story posted a while ago, sans MSPaint?

Either way, the images made it 100x better. Awesome read :)

blogging enthusiast
Dec 23, 2005


A respectable effort. :c00lbert:

I salute you.

(ps: where in Australia?)

Apr 25, 2006

by Ozma

Holy loving lol, batman. And here I thought the time I got drunk and pissed on my friends cabinets was embarrassing...

Mortimer McMire
Nov 22, 2006

by Ozma

splintax posted:

A respectable effort. :c00lbert:

I salute you.

(ps: where in Australia?)


Mar 10, 2006



Apr 13, 2005

That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth.

Nothus Infelix posted:

Supposedly one can import it from a number of web sites. And if one were to do that, one should get the good stuff, not one of those radioactive green oil blends. Never tried it myself -- anise sounds yucky.

Wonderful story, Mort. The twist at the end blew my mind like ... well, take your pick.

I don't know if I've had the real stuff, but anise indeed. Gag.

Who the hell decided to use anise?

Void of Infinite Nothing
Mar 26, 2001

I wasn't expecting the jerking off part and sort of spat food when I scrolled down

then again when you fell down
fantastic story

Jun 27, 2002

Carrion Fairy

I think you forgot to mention the part where you moved to Paraguay to escape your fate as a living urban legend.


Nov 25, 2006

by Fistgrrl

Hahahaha, wow.

Spasming, puking, jerking off, and making GBS threads
in front of a allgirl birthday party.

How long did the shame from that night suffocate your life?