|
Directed by: Uwe Boll Starring: Jonathan Cherry, Ona Grauer, Jurgen Prochnow, Clint Howard House of the Dead It's time like this I wish I was a 5 year old with leukemia so I could contact the Make-A-Wish Foundation(tm) and ask them for one thing: for all copies of "House of the Dead" to be destroyed and for the director to be strung up by his privates. Ok, so that's two things, but I'm a dying 5 year old, cut me some slack. Now, I could actually talk about the movie. I could talk about how the acting was sub-sub-sub-par, how the "plot" was laughable and how the director actually put footage of the VIDEO GAME into the MOVIE. Not to mention the myriad of other problems, such as the supposed "Rave of the Year" having maybe 20 people in attendance or the teenagers suddenly becoming sharpshooting ninjas. I could discuss all that and more, but I think I make my point when I say that I've had dental surgery that's been more fun than watching this movie. Plot - teenagers, woods, zombies. Blah blah blah. There is a crusty sea captain-type character, the role of which was sleepwalked by Jürgen Prochnow, who is usually good, even in lovely movies. There was even an inexplicable government/DEA/whatever agent who apparently was very prone to seasickness or something, because we saw her on the island, but when her boat was chasing Prochnow's ship, we only heard her in voiceover and saw a helicopter shot of her ship. Of course, since Prochnow's character (whose name was Kirk. Yes, he was Captain Kirk. Bad, stupid joke, and I refuse to reference it ever again) was smuggling guns, he's going to take time to take these spoiled rich kids to a island party. This is how they set it up so the characters survive more than 5-10 minutes on the island. Wait a minute... isn't the movie called "HOUSE of the Dead"? There is a house, and they're in it for, oh, about 10 minutes (or about 3 days, subjective time). I know, I know, it's a movie based on a video game, what did I expect? Hell, even Tomb Raider wasn't as bad as this, and Tomb Raider was BAD. In fact, the only other movie I can think of as bad as this would be Wing Commander, which Jürgen Prochnow also happened to be in. Coincidence? I really don't know anymore. PROS (expanded): Ending - it eventually ended. Not the actual ending, which was a lame twist/sequel thing, but the fact that the movie ended. Characters dying - I hated everyone in this movie, and they couldn't die fast enough. Yes, I can separate the actor from the character, and don't actually wish bodily harm on the actors as people... well... ok, maybe a little bodily harm CONS(expanded): Everything - See above. Also... Zombies - Normally, the zombies are a high point of movies like this. For the most part, they looked like guys with gray makeup on. Lame. Video Game Footage IN THE drat MOVIE - I mentioned this above, but I REALLY think you need to understand. Characters would shoot zombies. Cut to a shot of a video game zombie getting shot. Words fail me, and I have to resort to random characters: &()*&@$LKJ:FS*(&RWOIH::#@R*(ED!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Final Thoughts: You know, I didn't even get to mention the really bad rock/rap song that sounded like it was "written" for this movie, or the seemingly inconsistent logic, like why the character who had her legs ripped off didn't become a crawling-around zombie. I also forgot to mention the main bad guy, and his fuzzy, non-developed reasoning for being bad. Also, if he was supposedly able to live forever, why did the zombies die, again? It's best not to think too much about this movie. It joins the ranks of "Batman & Robin" as an insult to the film stock it was shot on. RATING: 0 PROS: It eventually ended. Lots of characters died. CONS: Video game footage in the movie. Everything else ADDITIONAL INFORMATION:
|
#
?
May 4, 2004 18:46
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 20, 2024 01:08 |
|
|
Since you can tell by the trailer this was going to suck and every message board was filled with lamentations and gnashing of teeth, I thought it would be a funny bad movie. It was, for about 20 minutes, and then the laughter just stopped. I've watched all kinds of bad horror movie imaginable and I enjoy laughing at many of them, but this was so bad it wasn't funny. Somewhere between the actual video game shots and the gunfight that was composed only of posing gangsta style for 20 minutes, everyone else in the room left and I was alone. I realize it's based on a video game where all you do is shoot zombies for 20 minutes, but that doesn't make good viewing or make it any less retarded when the camera pans around each of the fallen heroes to imitate the game's death screens. 0/5, and may god have mercy on your souls
|
|
#
?
May 4, 2004 18:53
|
|
|
I must vote this movie a half star if only because I laughed quite a bit at it. It's so ridiculously bad (and naturally I went into it expecting that, but was still surprised) that I recommend it to people on that basis. The video game footage, the one mile gun fight to the house with the bonus 'bullet time' sequences, and the excessive re-use of footage (in the boat attack)... There's lots of entertainment to be found in this movie. .5/5
|
|
#
?
May 8, 2004 01:02
|
|
|
quote:Funkyboss came out of the closet to say: jeeves fucked around with this message at 03:43 on May 8, 2004 |
|
#
?
May 8, 2004 03:39
|
|
|
I voted .5/5 because this movie is honestly the worst movie I have ever seen. The problem with the movie wasn't so much that it was bad, per se, but because (I think) they were making an honest attempt at a good movie and completely failed in every single possible aspect. This movie, to me, is a physical incarnation of everything inside of myself that wills me to unleash pure carnage onto this Earth, because I know that I somehow indirectly funded it to be made. It's not funny. It's not creative. It's not thrilling. It isn't even scary. It's just worthless.
|
|
#
?
May 8, 2004 04:47
|
|
|
One time, a friend asked me to explain how bad House of the Dead was. I put my thumb and forefinger a centimeter apart and said, 'Slow motion bullet-time cg, video game footage, and horror movie dialogue are interesting for this long.' I then put my arms as wide apart as I could and said, 'House of the Dead is this long.' .5/5
|
|
#
?
May 8, 2004 05:17
|
|
|
The worst part about the video game footage is that it is from the Saturn era, so it is horribly outdated. This movie made me question life. I really wish I could vote 0, but since .5 is as low as it goes, that's what it gets.
|
|
#
?
May 8, 2004 06:07
|
|
|
Whenever me and my friends talk about the the worst movies we've ever seen, this one comes up. It is SO horrible that the only meaningfull thing to be gotten out of this movie was the fact that you surived it and lived to tell the tale. It wasn't even funny bad. voted 0 FUNTOWN fucked around with this message at 08:38 on May 8, 2004 |
|
#
?
May 8, 2004 08:34
|
|
|
This movie does one thing that's really important: it shows that talent has little to do with success, especially now that this hack director has been re-signed for another video game movie. This should be shown in film schools because you learn more from bad movies than good ones, and that makes this one a fuckin wealth of knowledge. Even the few bucks for the rental just seem so wasted.
limehouse fucked around with this message at 12:11 on May 8, 2004 |
|
#
?
May 8, 2004 12:08
|
|
|
quote:HobbitGrease came out of the closet to say: Like you, a friend asked me to summarize this movie. I immediately told him the gripping climax: "Every character has at least 2 slow-motion bullet-time sequences in the span of 5 minutes." He stopped asking. If anyone gives this man the rights to another video game (and yes, I realize that he either has, or is thinking about doing more), I will go on a psycho rampage, killing all involved... Bullet-time sequences will be had, mind you. Edit: .5/5 Boom316 fucked around with this message at 02:56 on May 11, 2004 |
|
#
?
May 11, 2004 02:49
|
|
|
I rented this movie expecting a good horror flick. I didnt not know anything about it (I didnt even know thats its a movie about the game). I was treated with 90 mins of indirect assrape. The story was all over the place; -kids discovered empty "rave" -zombies arrive -Police officer out of loving nowhere arrives, dies later -kids take shelter in zombie headquarters -Captain Kirk (LoL!) brings guns -Sailor keeps bald man in bondage -Remaining kids venture into zombie factory -Last remaining survivors somehow escaped from zombie leader -Sword fight There was a good example of bullet-time abuse during the agonizingly long walk to the zombie house, showing off some lame "discovered" martial arts moves and epic narrow-misses. The videogame footage took me by surprise. When they started showed more of it during the ending, I honestly felt like I was given IcyHot enema. I hate this movie with a passion. .5/5
|
|
#
?
May 11, 2004 03:54
|
|
|
This movie was loving terrible. The filmwork was OK. 1 sickly AIDS diseased manbaby out of 5
|
|
#
?
May 11, 2004 18:17
|
|
|
My friends and I used to say, "yeah, but is it 'Mission to Mars' bad?" Now we say, "Is it 'House of the Dead' bad?" There's just no excuse for a movie this awful. Sadly, it's not even good as an unintentional comedy. The only way it could be worse is if there was someone sticking shards of broken glass in your eyes while simultaneously poking out your eardrums with an icepick. No wait, that might actually be better....
|
|
#
?
May 11, 2004 22:23
|
|
|
The scariest part about this movie was that I wasted money actually seeing it. I recommend borrowing it from a friend. Although if you have friends that have this movie, they shouldn't be your friends. Not even for a good laugh. And I didn't even rate this movie. A 0.5 would be a compliment. Ryan fucked around with this message at 00:04 on May 13, 2004 |
|
#
?
May 12, 2004 23:47
|
|
|
I just viewed this movie since it was free and I wanted to see how bad it really was. All the 0.5 votes it recieved were well deserved. Absolutely terrible movie that failed on all levels and had no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
|
|
#
?
May 13, 2004 09:23
|
|
|
this does have to be the worst movie i've ever seen. attempted bullet time... terrible dialouge... stupid video game clips... to paraphrase billy madison: your movie is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever seen. at no point in your rambling, incoherent movie were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. everyone in this room is now dumber for having seen it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.... 0/5
|
|
#
?
May 28, 2004 17:41
|
|
|
This is a hard movie to rate, while it deserves a 0.5 as a movie I could almost give it a 5.5 for entertainment. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard while watching a sorry excuse for a movie before in my whole life. It's one of those movies that is so god drat awful you can't do anything but laugh your rear end off. The DIREctor is a true master at comedy, unfortunatly he's trying to make a horror film. I'm confused at how this movie got a cinema release, and a wide one to boot, should of been shot DTV where it belonged! It doesn't help that before the movie was released Uwe Boll (The DIREctor) boasted how the movie was going to be a success and would stand along side Dawn Of The Dead (78) as a classic movie of the genre. Also according to the commentary Uwe gutted the script, taking out character development and plot points and replaces them with pointless action scenes. Someone could write a book on the amount of film errors the movie manages to pull off. Not to mention the "House" looks more like a shack. Also Island Of The Dead would of been a better title. Although I admite the movie has good production values. I could rant all day but I won't. I give this flick a 2.5, it's a terrible movie but a drat funny terrible movie. Slasherfan fucked around with this message at 22:34 on Jun 11, 2004 |
|
#
?
Jun 11, 2004 22:30
|
|
|
This movie is complete, and utter poo poo. Without a doubt one of the worst movies ever made. Nothing is good about this movie. Plot, acting, action, special effects. Everything completely sucks. The direction and editing is crap as scenes jump together and very rarely do action sequences flow together. How Uwe's allowed to make another loving movie I'll never know. I'd vote it 0/5 but I don't think you can actually vote that low. So 0.5/5 will have to do.
|
|
#
?
Jun 12, 2004 04:30
|
|
|
this was an awful, awful, awful movie. there's nothing redeeming about it, and if you like anything related to this film --say, for example, you like zombie films-- this film will offend you because it drags something you love down into the realm of "lovely loving cinema" with it. also, Uwe Boll should be napalmed. that is all. 0.5.
|
|
#
?
Jun 12, 2004 07:56
|
|
|
Uwe Boll should be killed, and anyone else involved in this movie is tainted enough that they should just kill themselves. The absolute worst movie I've ever seen.
|
|
#
?
Jul 16, 2004 13:49
|
|
|
I've never been so close to leaving the theatre. The last hour was one continuous fight scene, complete with techno music and in-game footage. The plot was very thin and the characters were cardboard. I hated every aspect of the movie, and was glad that the characters died, because that meant that the movie would be over soon. Worst horror movie I've ever seen. I enjoyed "Dark Harvest" and "Nine Lives"(With Paris Hilton) more than this piece of crap. 0/5
|
|
#
?
Jul 16, 2004 14:42
|
|
|
My "favorite part", was when people would die they would get a cool pose, and the camera would pan around them holding a gun (which they werent holding earlier) and they are somehow not surrounded by zombies. Oh yea, on the DVD they have a little short about the women of the house of the dead practicing with paintball guns. You'd think they would put more T&A in it, but they didnt.
|
|
#
?
Jul 16, 2004 20:52
|
|
|
this movie was terrible. i could not stop laughing. like heart attack stomach entering my throat laughing. 5/5
|
|
#
?
Jul 17, 2004 11:20
|
|
|
My friends and I cracked up the first time the in-game footage came up (after the opening credits). I'll give it a 1 because the Uwe Boll commentary is worth an extra 0.5. On the game footage: 'You have to appeal to the hardcore gamers.'
|
|
#
?
Jul 23, 2004 15:33
|
|
|
If I had seen this earlier, I would've sent him a vial full of ebola instead of the Alone in the Dark script  0.5
|
|
#
?
Jul 23, 2004 20:08
|
|
|
Just watched this tonight. My god you were all right. I didn't think it could be THAT bad, but sweet combustible porcelin Jesus was that movie bad. I felt like turning it off a good 5 times, but I was tired and didn't want to have to get up, plus that one chick with the black tank top was kind of hot. (You know the one, the dumbass that flings herself into the air so she can come into the path of the flying zombie axe, narrowly miss, and heroicly blast a zombie in half with some buckshot to the chest.) Also, the underwear model dumbfuck getting blasted with zombie acid spooge after kicking it a couple times made me  . But other than that, stay far, far away from this shitfest. .5/5 Oh, fun thing I noticed while watching the "chase" sequence with the poo poo covered jock dumbass being pursued by zombies. If you aren't completely brain dead by that scene, you'll notice that the zombies can leap insanely high, how do they do this, you may ask? Well, obviously, they can do it because the wild woods are littered with springboards! (too lazy to screencap, check it out for yourself.)
|
|
#
?
Jul 24, 2004 10:42
|
|
|
This was a GODAWFUL movie. It's not even hilariously terrible like Battlefield Earth ("Center Wipe!" "21!"), it just makes you sad for the human race. It did have lots of gratuitous breast shots, and the chick that played Alicia was SMOKIN' HOT and graced us with many bouncing boob scenes. Oh, and how does a movie manage a score below 0.5 when the lowest rating is 0.5?
|
|
#
?
Jul 26, 2004 08:06
|
|
|
The first review up here said that characters dying was a pro. Unfortunetly, no, it's not. How? Because Uwe Boll managed to make a character that you don't like's death to be horrendus by having a YOU DIED! game over like moment after they die. No, i'm not joking, they actually have the camera pan around the character as the screen goes red after you see them die, to further explain to you that they're dead. To put this review into two words: Movie Cancer
|
|
#
?
Jul 27, 2004 01:34
|
|
|
How did this movie get a .31 average when the lowest you can vote is .5 . Believe me I want to vote 0 but how was anybody else able to?
|
|
#
?
Jul 27, 2004 17:33
|
|
|
I wanna see this movie just to see how bad it is, and laugh. EVERYONE ive talked to who has seeing it said the same exact things all of you are saying. Haha..
|
|
#
?
Jul 28, 2004 18:50
|
|
|
this movie is so lovely it's hillarious. it gets a 0 on the quality scale, but 5 on the humour scale. 5/5 edit: how can you not love this movie? i mean, just look at this: hotd.gif (nws?) Piney fucked around with this message at 05:35 on Feb 17, 2005 |
|
#
?
Feb 5, 2005 01:38
|
|
|
At least it was better than Alone in the Dark. 1/5
|
|
#
?
Feb 6, 2005 06:15
|
|
|
I might get lynched for this, but I didn't find House of the Dead as assrapingly bad as I've heard. Then again, I've made it a bad habit to watch horrible Hollywood films (Gigli, Freddy Got Fingered and Battlefield Earth remain my trinity of horrible Hollywood poo poo). So I'm probably desensitized to the point where I can tolerate large amounts of crap. I will agree that it was poor, with video game footage being thrown in for some god awful reason and that one bullet-time shoot-em-up scene that went on for TOO drat LONG. Sad part is, I really can't see House of the Dead being turned into a decent movie at all. The game was really nothing more than a light gun shooter with some Z-Grade plot thrown in (Dreamcast House of the Dead 2 has the WORST voice acting in the history of video games, by the way). Uwe Boll to me sounds like a guy that really has no sense of direction. Read his interviews and you can see the guy has no idea which end it up. 1.5/10
|
|
#
?
Feb 11, 2005 07:07
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 20, 2024 01:08 |
|
|
I borrowed this DVD from a friend from all of the horribleness I was told about it. Horribleness was confirmed true. When you see gratuituos boobies roughly 6 minutes into the movie, you know you're hosed. I'd give it a 0 if I could. Uwe Boll is divine punishment for our sins.
|
|
#
?
Feb 14, 2005 06:02
|
|
