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Pimpsolo
Jun 6, 2004



We've all seen threads in the past requesting you to admit to the worst things you've done, have you killed somebody in cold blood, raped a small child, skinned a kitten alive, et cetera, there's a problem though: We all have a certain degree of forum reputation, no one wants to be known as the furry, the child rapist, whatever. We all have ip addresses linking us to our homes; we can't post about our recent crimes.

I want to know just how dirty our forums are, tell me your worst secrets anonymously. Are you a permabanned member? Has your penis been cut off? Did you rob and murder an innocent couple across the street, only to save their limbs in your freezer, and make their skin into lampshades.

I don't want any bullshit though, please. I beg you, I know this vulnerable and is an easy way to make things up, but can we please try to go on the honor system as it will keep this more interesting I believe.

Here's how we do it: Firstly, I solemnly e-swear that under the same code as catholic priests, your secret is safe with me. It really doesn't matter though because you have the opportunity to stay as anonymous as you wish, use a proxy, use 50 proxies. Whether you use a proxy or not, I will not post your ip address, the emails are deleted (not archived) upon me posting the content only here.

Email me something so truly embarrassing or horrific that you won’t even risk telling internet web surfers who don't know you at all.

saconfessions@gmail.com

I will probably post every email I receive in quotations exactly as I receive it. Go ahead, get all that weight off your back, create an email account, and go find some proxies for the really paranoid.

Edit: Some of the guilty have been using http://www.anonemailer.com/ I think this is a good idea for those who don't have access to a proxy.

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned...

Only registered members can see post attachments!

Pimpsolo fucked around with this message at Aug 22, 2005 around 09:00

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King Awwyeah
Jul 7, 2005

Then the apple went up my butt

If someone tells you they raped a child and got away with it, you have an obligation to the law to inform the police.

jobehaix
Feb 16, 2004

A turtle? Yes, a turtle.

quote:

Ravager came out of the closet to say:
If someone tells you they raped a child and got away with it, you have an obligation to the law to inform the police.
Indeed. And if you don't, you're nearly as bad as they are.

Pimpsolo
Jun 6, 2004



An anonymous email tip is not a credible source, informing the police would be quite a waste of time? However if they do ask, they will recieve total control of my email account, only to find our child rapists and murders have used proxies if they're smart. Hopfully the Something Awful crowd isn't that awful.

Dr. Lemon-Fresh
Jun 2, 2004

I know this for I am Antonio Handsome.

That's not totally anonymous, really. What'd be better would be a web applet like that one confession website that got some attention in GBS recently.

Frog 1.0
Jun 2, 2001

Now with 33% less Engrish

I pee in the shower.

Edit: oh wait, I didnt do this right.

Pimpsolo
Jun 6, 2004



quote:

Dr. Lemon-Fresh came out of the closet to say:
That's not totally anonymous, really. What'd be better would be a web applet like that one confession website that got some attention in GBS recently.

I thought about it, I feel that's far too susceptible to the bullshit I was trying to avoid. I understand it isn't 100% anonymous, but neither can we be sure the web applet is either, or any web applet for that matter. The servers can log ips, and it's just a mess, hopfully this weeds out those problems, we'll see, it's worth a shot I think.

Chef Tony
Jun 13, 2005

The Miracle Blade will stay sharp the first time, the fourth time, everytime!

Are you going to post some of the confessions here or no?

BangersInMyKnickers
Nov 3, 2004

I have a thing for courageous dongles



quote:

Dr. Lemon-Fresh came out of the closet to say:
That's not totally anonymous, really. What'd be better would be a web applet like that one confession website that got some attention in GBS recently.

Just use an fake return address and send it through your ISP's smtp gateway? Here's a pretty comprehensive list http://www.knightsbridge.net/faq/mailservers.html

Or hell! Someone else's SMTP gateway. Odds are a ton on that list aren't secured.

BangersInMyKnickers fucked around with this message at Aug 22, 2005 around 06:14

Pimpsolo
Jun 6, 2004



quote:

Chef Tony came out of the closet to say:
Are you going to post some of the confessions here or no?

Every confession will be posted, currently I haven't recieved any confessions yet, however I will be checking regularly.

GodofLint, great suggestion. Get cracking you anonymous morbid freaks.

Pimpsolo
Jun 6, 2004



quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:


My confession is that I lied about something in my confession that I submitted to the SomethingAwful.com Forums Anonymous Confessional via E-mail. In addition, I told dozens of people that I did this so it really isn't anonymous now is it. I feel terrible! I'm just kidding. I don't feel that bad about it! I'd do it again if presented with the opportunity.


See, now this, this is not what I'm looking for really. It seems to have a sarcastic tone to it. This isn't what I'm digging really. I would like to respond though: it is still anonymous anonymous emailer, because none of us know who you are.

Edit: I have recieved another confession from the same user it seems.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I was presented with the opportunity to lie again on this internet confessional email service, so I did.
Wait since I sent this and I promised I would before I guess that isn't really a lie.
Ok the beginning of the email is a lie because I promised I would lie on the internet again but I sort of half-didn't.

oneinchhard
Mar 14, 2003
I AM FUCKING AWESOME!

Awesome idea

Pimpsolo
Jun 6, 2004



quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

forgive me father
for i have sinned

I used to drive with my car's tire pressures below factory spec. to
increase ride comfort, all the while decreasing my efficency,
destorying the enviroment.

god forgive me

This is great, see, a poster who probably browses AI would have never admitted this, or used any type of grammar to do so. I applaud you for your candor. You are forgiven.

And another:

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I (with two friends) burnt down the home of a very poor old man when I was 10. We were there when the firemen arrived - and the old guy showed up. He was on his knees crying because he had nothing.

After that date, he always thought I was just being kind to him because I was a nice person...

Farts Domino
May 8, 2004



Oh god, the poor old man. I don't know if I can follow this thread past that

Misanthropology
Sep 26, 2004

by Lowtax


Less bitching and more confessions please tia

Samurai Pizza Cat
Feb 8, 2004

by Lowtax


This is actually a cool thread idea :>

Pimpsolo
Jun 6, 2004



This guilty party wanted to disclose the following:

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

forgive me father
for i have sinned :\

I used to make fun of this socially-awkward kid named Dennis all the time last year in High School. Everyone hated him, and everyone made fun of him. I don't know where he is now, but I feel bad about it. I would REALLY make fun of him too, I was really bad.

Also, in that same year, I got mad at one of my friends. I retaliated by telling everyone her secrets, including the amount of times she has had sex. She lost alot of friends. In the end, she figured out it was me and tried to kick my rear end, but I denied it.


Another anonymous emailer wrote:

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I once "digitally enhanced" a photo of my friend's wife, to see what her
bikini was hiding. Screw the 10th commandment, she's loving hot.

kazelsnet
Dec 16, 2004


Awesome thread. Contribute!

Spilrod
Sep 14, 2002

by Fistgrrl


I killed a man in Reno just to watch him die.
I also shot the sherrif, however, I did not shoot the deputy.

Ultramega OK
May 14, 2003

I'm a Catholic, I can feel guilty about anything.

Some of these responses should be interesting.

Pimpsolo
Jun 6, 2004



quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

At the age of 17 I have yet to kiss a girl. I'm overweight, though this isn't the only reason. Looking back I've had opportunities, just never realized it at the time. The biggest factor in this is low self confidence.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

Earlier this year, I was late to school because I slept in. It was
raining, and I was kinda new to the driving thing. I was parking
facing downhill, with a car in the spot across from mine. I went to
reverse to straighten up my car when it skidded a bit on the slick
asphalt and nailed the car in front of mine before I could get to the
brake to stop it. Anyways, I just backed up into the space across the
aisle from the spot that I was going to park in. There were some dents
in the front bumper, but nobody saw it happen since I was late to
school. I didn't tell anybody because it was a crappy little ricer
that belonged to some rich little sophomore.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

When I was real little, I remember finding out what a blowjob was. I really wanted to see what it felt like. So I tried to get my cat to do it. Please note, that this was A LONG LONG LONG LONG LONG LONG time ago. It still haunts me. What the gently caress was I thinking? Jesus Christ.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

Years ago, back when I was about 7 or 8, I went to a friend\'s house for baby-sitting. Now, this kid was my same age but apparantly he had some warning lights that I, at the time, did not understand and everyone else had ignored. Like a budding scat fetish and an affinity for his little sister\'s genitals who was 4 or 5 at the time. Anyway, one afternoon when we were playing in the basement the kid coaxed me to undress and sorta rubbed his penis on me. I didn\'t have a concept of sexuality at the time, so I thought it was just weird and felt bad because it was a no-no to be naked. Lucky for me, the little pervert didn\'t try to ram anything up my butt. At that point, my mother came to pick me up and saw the scene. I didn\'t go to their house in the afternoons from that point on.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I used to mock a fat kid in middle and high school named Steve. Later, I ratted on him for hacking the school's computer network. I didn't feel guilty for that, since he did do it. But he got charges filed against him, and I ended up going to the police station to give some form of video testimony.

Steve was expelled and later went to a Catholic school in the area. One day, he took a gun and blew his head off.

To this day, I wonder if my taunting had anything to do with it.

Chriskory
Aug 18, 2004

Back when I was actively driving I drove Akina even in my dreams

moooooore plz

voted 5


edit
\/ hot enough to do something wrong, feel bad then anonymously confess via email? i hope\/

Chriskory fucked around with this message at Aug 22, 2005 around 06:46

tiananman
Feb 6, 2005
Non-Headkins Splatoma

This thread is making me so hot.

Pimpsolo
Jun 6, 2004



quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

When I was 13 or so, I was hanging out with my half-sister that I
rarely saw. She asked me to give her a massage, so I obliged. I
started out at the shoulders, went down further, and eventually I was
massaging her breasts. Getting ballsy, I moved slowly down to her
nether regions and began fingering her. Being a virgin, I didn't make
any further moves, but I'll bet I could've hosed her if I'd tried.

At about 14 or 15, I tried to have sex with my mom multiple times
while she was sleeping, but I (still a virgin) had no clue what I was
doing and couldn't get it in. I don't know if she knew, but she's
dead now. I also stole a shitload of money from her and she never
caught on.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I got stupendously drunk on Jack Daniels a couple weeks ago and
disclosed the exploits of my girlfriend and myself to a friend of
mine, then feigned having been so trashed as to have forgotten what I
disclosed.

Really I just felt like bragging that I could bring her to orgasm
several times in one sitting.

And still do, apparently.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

want to have sex with one of my girlfriend's best friends, even though I'm practically engaged. I'm so right for her and my penis must have her.

I feel that I've said too much. I don't know how goony either of them may be...

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

One time I used a condom and a bunch of lotion, and I made a makeshift
fleshlight out of a cardboard paper-towell tube. It took me forever
to come, though.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I have a panty fetish. My dad recently married a very attracive woman, and for a while I used to enjoy seeing thongs etc. in the laundry room. I once tried one on. I'm fat. It wasn't pretty. This has since lost its novelty.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I religiously masturbate to furry porn and badly drawn cartoon porn.

The following are from separate emailers, however I lumped them into one quote for obvious reasons.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I poo poo my pants on a daily basis. I also use the shower head to clean my rear end of poo

ACTUALLY HAVE SHITTED IN MY PANTS AND I'M 20.

I am a 25 year old virgin.

closeenough
Jan 31, 2004


This is a bit like the one with the postcards. Much love. Voting five for more humanity.

adante
Sep 18, 2003


quote:

Ravager came out of the closet to say:
If someone tells you they raped a child and got away with it, you have an obligation to the law to inform the police.

just out of curiousity does this include privileged communication?

quote:

DhaliClone came out of the closet to say:

Indeed. And if you don't, you're nearly as bad as they are.
oh come on. It may be bad you cannot seriously put that on the same level as actually raping a child.

BangersInMyKnickers
Nov 3, 2004

I have a thing for courageous dongles



quote:

adante came out of the closet to say:


just out of curiousity does this include privileged communication?


oh come on. It may be bad you cannot seriously put that on the same level as actually raping a child.

You stick your penis in babies... over the INTARWEB!

Mola Yam
Jun 18, 2004

Kali Ma Shakti de!

I hope Graves emails you so we get some closure.

Phillip J. Fry
Feb 11, 2004

A day without sunshine is like, night.

i like this idea

Pimpsolo
Jun 6, 2004



quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I am incomprehensibly frightened of the dark. If I go down to get a
drink of water at night, I have to have some sort of light source
shining in front of me so that I can be sure that there is no lurking
terror that I am about to stumble into. Even then, once I close the
refridgerator door, I have to literally run up the stairs to keep the
unseen horror from reaching me and committing unspeakable atrocities
upon my person. The creature that I never see. I know it is there. It
is supernatural. Shorter than me, eyeless with dribbling, shruken
lips, that draws a rattling breath as it reaches its terrible claws to
rend my living flesh from the bones while I stand helpless, unable to
shriek for pain or help or anything. Needless to say it becomes
slightly debilitating at times.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I had a sex change when I was eighteen. I'm 26 now, and nobody knows.

I don't know why this makes me feel guilty. Maybe awkward is a better word.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I love to team kill in online games.

I don't know, I just get the thrill from hearing people pissed off as hell. Maybe it's the fact that I can't enjoy games these days that fuels me to team kill.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I was about 10 years old when I broke my neighbor's window while hitting a baseball off of a tee. They asked me about it later, but I denied the poo poo out of it. They still haven't had it fixed for some reason.

I feel bad about it, because they were really nice to me. I'm now over 20 years old, and I feel like I should send a window repair man over to their house anonymously.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I masturbated to the "badly drawn futurama porn" thread

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

Forgive me father for I have sinned. I have never confessed before, but hope with this confession to relieve some of the weight on my shoulders.

I take justice into my own hands.

If you have wronged anyone, I'll do everything in my power to destroy you. It doesn't matter if I don't know the person you betrayed. I don't attack people physically. I attack them through my network and my resources.

The retaliation fits the crime. I've blackmailed people with incriminating photos and made them suffer in silence. I have stolen passwords to e-mail boxes and blogs to destroy the relationships they mistreat and take for granted. I've participated in luring some into fake relationships and then spreading their private lives out for everyone to see.

Some people are permanently mentally damaged. A lot of them take anti-depressants. Some have threatened killing themselves or others due to the social complications. All of them understand why they were dealt with as they were.

The worst one, by far, indirectly resulted in a successful suicide. But that was a long time ago.

They all, in my eyes, have deserved it. I have no regrets about any of them. I think that these people don't understand what they do when they hurt people, and they need to learn before they do it again to someone else.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I've regularly post[ed] drunk.

I masturbate to the livejournals and myspaces of girls I know. (the pictures obviously)

I stole a girl's underwear and jerked off on it.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

While this isn't a deep, dark confession, it lingers over me greatly:

I'm 24 years old, a college graduate, and I honestly don't know my multiplication tables or division. I've tried recently and in the past to commit them to memory, but I've tried and they simply don't remain in my head. It sort of makes me feel like a fraud because a lot of the people I socialize with are scholarly folk and see me as a whiz with math. Only with a calculator nearby, however. Third graders can do this stuff, but I cannot for the life of me learn it on my own.
I'm going to interject here, I feel the same drat way about 4's 6's 7's 8's and 12's I'm in college and passed College Alegbra with ease.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I voted your thread "1"

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I actually masturbate so often.. fingers are knotted. I never get real erection. Touching anything really doesn't encourage dick.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

There was one time I had met a girl and we hit it off pretty well. We decide to fool around for a bit. She goes down on me and starts playing with my rear end. She then sticks a finger up there and to be honest I liked it. I let her know and then she decides to put a dildo up there. I thought it was loving hot and probably the best blowjob I've ever got. I'm a straight man but when she did that I had one of the best orgazms ever.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I carved a hole in a pear and had sex with it. It feel really good, but I didn't come.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I continually reassure one of my best friends that she is an
intelligent person with wonderful taste and an original personality,
when in fact I think that she is a pretty shallow attention whore with
an incredibly hit or miss taste in music and style and will never be
as smart as I or many of her friends are. Just because she takes a
pile of AP classes doesn't mean she's all that intelligent, especially
when she get's merely average scores overall. I mean honestly, she
thinks Jethro Tull is one of the best things to happen to music ever
and that that crappy "Reefer Madness" musical is some incredibly deep
social commentary.

I think that I'm just trying to compensate for the fact that I
hoodwinked myself into liking her for longer than I should have by
complimenting her, justifying having wasted the better part of a year
on liking her.

Juanito
Jan 20, 2004

I wasn't paying attention
to what you just said.

Can you repeat yourself
in a more interesting way?


Hell Gem

quote:

Pimpsolo came out of the closet to say:

quote:

I actually masturbate so often.. fingers are knotted. I never get real erection. Touching anything really doesn't encourage dick.
I was bored, had nothing else to do at a quarter till 3.

Brosa Parks
Jan 28, 2005

Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed.


Oh god, this is loving golden and hilarious and goes against all that is right and good in the world. Five.

closeenough
Jan 31, 2004


This is the confession postcard thing I was talking about : http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

tiananman
Feb 6, 2005
Non-Headkins Splatoma

Anyone have a link to the confessions website that the other hilarious confessions thread was based on? God that thing was funny.

persona au gratin
Feb 26, 2003

the cure for yellow fever.

quote:

closeenough came out of the closet to say:
This is the confession postcard thing I was talking about : http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

I like this more, because he can filter through them and weed out "OMG I HAXORED THE FBI lol" responses.

Pimpsolo
Jun 6, 2004



quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

When I was a kid, I would torture my little brother.
Not just "OMG I won't stop tickling you!!" stuff... I
mean "convinced him to yell "gently caress YOU" at our mom, so
he'd get his mouth washed out with soap." "Locking him
in the bathroom, with the light off (he was afraid of
the dark)." "Convincing him that the fan in the
bathroom was actually a monster that ate little boys
while they went poo."

Also, we all have that hot cousin, right? Well, when I
was a kid, my cousin taught me how to kiss. With
tounge. I don't consider this to be my first kiss.

I take interesting stories that I hear from my
friends, and take them as my own, and act like it
happened to me.

I am a cock-teasing attention-whore in public. Even in
the presence of my bf. He somehow doesn't seem to
notice.

I like doing sexual things in public. And I don't mean
grabbing asses. I mean
hand-down-the-pants-OMG-I'm-cumming sort of stuff.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

Forvige me father, for I have sinned.
I lied to a girl and pretended to be interested in her solely for sex.
I also use my previous volunteer work to pick up women at parties.
I will say 5 Hail marys

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

Forgive me father, for i have sinned. It has been 12 years since my last confession.

My fiance was having netsex with randoms off the net, so our sexlife has been non-existant, and in the last year i have developed feelings for a person I have never met. (thanks internet)to the point where if my partner asks for sex now, I daydream about this other net person instead.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

Once I took panties from my mother's dresser and masturbated on them, then tucked them near the bottom of the dresser.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I like the smell of my own farts. Not in a wierd, sexual way. I just happen to think they smell pretty good.
C'mon, everyone knows that feeling. I thought.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I burnt down my house when I was 10. My parents lost everything inside, and we narrowly escaped. I have never told anyone about it.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I had an online affair with a woman I met on an MUD when I was 11. I said that I was 27.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I broke into 16 cars during one night at a Ford
service training faculty. I made off with a trunk full
of ford diagnostic equipment and specialized tools.
I've never owned a Ford car.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I once stole donation money my mom had gathered for homeless babies and used it to buy a PSP game.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:
I enjoy Fark more than Something Awful

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I\'m 19 and I pissed my bed two months ago. I drank like a liter of juice right before I fell asleep though.
Well, that's semi excusable.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I have gone on to several library computers to see someone is already logged on to SA; so I post a banme thread to get them banned.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I gave my girlfriend HIV. I haven't told her about it yet.

mexi-fries
Mar 23, 2003

EUTHANIZE ON A WHIM. IT'S MORALLY RIGHT! ALSO, I HOB PETA'S KNOB.

My ex-roommate told me he molested two children when he was 15 years old and has fantasies of loving 12 year olds, and now I work at the same company as him, one building over. He has a kid. (I don't talk to him anymore.)

Oh, wait, I was supposed to email this somewhere...

jbltk
Jun 12, 2005

by Lowtax


quote:

Anonymous Jerkwad likes cock and said:
I enjoy Fark more than Something Awful

Burn him!

Pimpsolo
Jun 6, 2004



quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I am currently dating a 17 year old girl, and I am 20 at the moment. When I first met her a year ago we clicked very nicely. However, she was severely religiously and sexually repressed thanks to her uptight bible-thumping family. In the year that I have known her now, I've gotten her to question her faith to the point that she only attends church now because she thinks that the principles of the stories do people good, but doesn't really believe in any of it. When we first met, she said she would only kiss someone she was going out with, and that she wouldn't go any further than 1st base with a guy until she was married. After knowing her for 3 months, we were sucking each others faces off (not dating, mind you). After 6 months I was feeling her up. After 9 months I was fingering her. After 11 months I was going down on her. After 12 months she was giving me head.

Our relationship has been causing a huge strain on her family because I am adamently non-Christian and will always refuse to convert. I've been introducing her to new music and culture, the things that her family has been trying for so many years to shield her from. They say her more cultured self is loosing touch with God, there are constantly fights with the family, she wants to get out of the house as fast as possible, and the mother wants a divorce from her now second husband. All of those things aren't really directly my fault, as they started before I entered the picture. But my presence is speeding their family's demise up considerably.

I'll be buying her a vibrator in the next month or so, so she can keep intertained while I am away at university and can't visit. I'll probally be having sex with her in another years time, and we drat sure won't be married.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I have hosed my bed a dozen times and a banana three times. I have used a dildo on myself probably six times. It didn\'t feel good, I just liked the idea that it was a dildo penetrating something.

This is my third confession and the night is young.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

When I was a teen, I would take a condom and fill it with lube then place it between the matresses and gently caress my bed all night long.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I regularly check threads that I've posted in to see if anybody has
quoted me. I guess that I long for the approval and acceptance of
strangers.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I felt up a girl who was passed out, then proceeded to jack off on her

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Rogue Helicopter Pilot
Jul 22, 2005
WORDS GO HERE

quote:

tiananman came out of the closet to say:
Anyone have a link to the confessions website that the other hilarious confessions thread was based on? God that thing was funny.
http://grouphug.us ?

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