Something Awful Anonymous Confessional

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Something Awful Anonymous Confessional

«‹›45 »

Orzo: Sep 3, 2004; IT! IT is confusing! Say your goddamn pronouns!

Holy poo poo, this looked like a pretty bad idea to start out with but some of these are amazing.

# ? Aug 22, 2005 08:24

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 26, 2024 10:22

Pimpsolo: Jun 6, 2004

quote:

jbltk came out of the closet to say:

Burn him!

HEY! I report, you decide. :foxnews:

On to some more:

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I've masturbated to Powerpuff Girls porn

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

Sometimes when I visit the Gas Chamber or Leper's Colony and see probations, bans, permabans and gassed threads delivered by Ozma and Mayor, I feel like making a GBS and FYAD topic calling them shitheads for their decisions and seeing which thread grows the fastest with people defending them.

I think Spokker is the best admin SA has ever had and wish he were still on the team.

I don't 'get' FYAD but still browse it occasionally for the porn threads. Those are the only worthwhile threads in the entire forum.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I know the next several years comprise the most important formative time for me personally and professionally. To successfully navigate through them requires more discipline and patience than I have. I need to establish a strict, harsh and comprehensive routine in just a few days, or I�m floating without a sail through still, open waters.
These years will not directly affect anyone else. I�m usually very good and reliable when someone is depending on me. Now, I need to get my act together and do something not because someone else expects me to do it, but because I know it�s the right thing.
This isn�t anonymous because I did something wrong. It is anonymous because it embarrasses me that others seem to get through comparable times with ease, and I�m still fighting for the resolve.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I have genital warts and have had unprotected sex with at least 15 people since I discovered without telling them.

I have also had sex with men for money before.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

Everyone in pet island is obsessed with this ugly sickly little dog. It has a horrible tilty head and it looks like it smells like poo poo. Maybe you've seen the sigfiles with her picture. Whenever I see the thread about its tribulations get bumped, I check to see if it is dead yet. So far I have been disappointed.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I once was seeing a married woman who was much, MUCH older than me.
We hosed on her bed--once while she was on the phone with her husband
and then her kid. I still have a pair of her dirty underwear. She
was pretty hot, too; nothing like what you'd expect from a middle-aged
married woman. Tiny and in good shape. I don't know why her husband
wasn't loving her brains out every night, but he wasn't.

# ? Aug 22, 2005 08:25

Arach: Oct 3, 2003; Dive! Dive! Di... are you diving yet?; Grimey Drawer

quote:

From the inbox of the confessional:
I regularly check threads that I've posted in to see if anybody has
quoted me. I guess that I long for the approval and acceptance of
strangers.

Holy crap. I have a twin. Hello my fellow sad-panda in arms.

# ? Aug 22, 2005 08:30

DominionGalactica: Oct 13, 2004; "Defender of the Universe"

quote:

Arach came out of the closet to say:

Holy crap. I have a twin. Hello my fellow sad-panda in arms.

I reckon most people do this. I've done it, and i know a few other goons who have also done it. Youre not alone!

# ? Aug 22, 2005 08:32

jobehaix: Feb 16, 2004; A turtle? Yes, a turtle.

quote:

adante came out of the closet to say:
oh come on. It may be bad you cannot seriously put that on the same level as actually raping a child.

I didn't put it on the same level - I said "nearly."

Voted 5! This thread is great!

# ? Aug 22, 2005 08:32

Pimpsolo: Jun 6, 2004

Although I have been screening these, I thought this one was pretty funny, and honestly, who knows if it's true?

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

The only confession on here that disgusts me is the one about teamkilling.
Also, I stabbed Nicole Brown Simpson and framed it on the negro.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

Since I was a teenager, I've been stimulating my rear end for sexual pleasure. First with my fingers, then with foreign objects. I have hosed myself using various suitably shaped bottles from the bathroom. I have also held the handle of an electric toothbrush to my anus and been stimulated without penetration that way. I once achieved orgasm with a miniature shampoo bottle from a hotel room inserted wholly into my rectum.

In addition to this, I've stimulated my penis orally. Despite not being flexible enough to achieve suction, I have on some occasions brought myself to orgasm using stimulation from my tongue, and subsequently swallowed the ejaculate.

P.S., I also became very aroused from reading the fan fiction story Agony in Pink (in which the pink Power Ranger is tortured to death by a sex sadist monster), and that alone troubles me more than anything I've done to/with my rear end/mouth.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

Forgive me father, for I have sinned...

Last night I convinced a girl to take photos of herself naked and send them
to me. In return I masturbated on webcam for her. I don't even like her that
way, I'm just an exhibitionist.

Also, I peed in the holy water.

Dick!

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I have tapeworms, and intentionally infected one of my friends with them because I hated him.

I told a girl I loved her, gave her flowers, and did many other things with her, but in truth I was just trying to get closer to her sister.

I would slouch really far in school chairs, so my knees could feel up the asses of girls in front of me.
I\'d also stick my elbows out in narrow rows, so passing girls would have to rub their bodies against them. I would later masturbate thinking about these things.

I was an early bloomer, and in elementary school flashed my boner at a girl I liked.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I like to piss everywhere but in the toilet in public bathrooms. I even poo poo on the floor, in sinks, and even in urinals. One time I poo poo in the garbage can of a porno store that had jerk-off booths.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I slept with my neighbor's husband several times and after he said we couldn't see each other anymore, I got really depressed and got drunk one night. I walked over in the middle of the night to go talk to him, and I saw his wife having sex with some other guy. I left a note for her, saying I saw her loving this other man, and I told her about her husband and I. They got divorced very soon after that, and never spoke to my family agin.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I like to dress up as a women and i'm a guy

Simple enough.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

A homeless man in a wheel chair approached my car when I was at a red light. I had my window down cause me ac broke and he came up to me asking me for money. I told him I didnt have anything on me, and he said that it was cool and then tried to pull himself into my car through the window. I freaked out and floored the gas and ran the red light, causing him to roll on the ground several times. I may have run his leg over...

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I like the feeling of poo poo going out my rear end.

You're stuck in the Freudian Anal Stage, seek help.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I work with a lot of pretty women at my job. I find myself gazing at them. Some of them do wear some revealing clothing and I zone in on cleavage most of the time. Most are married or at least in a relationship of some sort. I wonder if they notice me staring at their tits and rear end.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I have tried to goatse myself. Several times.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I beat off frequently to porn where girls get dicks shoved down their throats til they puke.

I think i'm better than everyone because i listen to death metal instead of whatever music they listen to.

I miss my ex-girlfriend, she was a nazi and on the road to meth addiction but she was nice and when I hung out with her she was really fun, but i didnt talk to her because i was too much of a pussy to have sex with her, even though she was hot. I miss her a whole lot, too.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I started having an affair and it's spiralled out of control until now I'm living what amounts to multiple lives. I have so many secrets I'm amazed I manage to keep track of them all. If I ever get busted I could seriously end up on television like the guys who are secret polygamists, etc.

I could write a lot more, as the start of this situation is what's seriously made me into what amounts to a sex addict, but everyone's confession is pretty short.

If people want to know the details, and it could help someone out later in life to not make my mistakes, I'll mail again using this phrase in the subject line-
The Crow Road

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

Though I almost hate her guts, I still masturbate to the though[t] of my
ex-girlfriend, dispite constantly denouncing her to my friends. She's
possibly the worst girl I've ever met, but she's probably the most
attractive person I'll ever date.

# ? Aug 22, 2005 08:39

Scaramouche: Mar 26, 2001; SPACE FACE! SPACE FACE!

While these bring out the schaudenfreudengruven in all of us I bet later in the thread when it slows down the OP will just start making up juicy ones if he hasn't already.

# ? Aug 22, 2005 08:44

NeerWas: Dec 13, 2004; Everyday I'm shufflin'.

quote:

closeenough came out of the closet to say:
This is the confession postcard thing I was talking about : http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

Wow, this site is really touching. There're some really beautiful cards there.

# ? Aug 22, 2005 08:44

Acolyte!: Aug 6, 2001; Go! Rocket Kiwi! Go!

The homeless one is startlingly close to something that happened to me, except the fellow was on crutches, and wanted a ride to the mission.

# ? Aug 22, 2005 08:45

Suxpool: Nov 20, 2002; I want something good to die for...to make it beautiful to live

This is one of the best ideas ever.

# ? Aug 22, 2005 08:45

CountZero: Apr 17, 2005; by Ozma

Man, this sort of stuff is seriously addicting. f-f-f-five

# ? Aug 22, 2005 08:48

Pimpsolo: Jun 6, 2004

quote:

Scaramouche came out of the closet to say:
While these bring out the schaudenfreudengruven in all of us I bet later in the thread when it slows down the OP will just start making up juicy ones if he hasn't already.

I'm having enough trouble keeping up as it is, I actually planned to contribute, as that's what gave me the idea for this thread, but haven't had time yet.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

Remeber those pictures of Lowtax in Austrailia with his tshirt tucked into his shorts and his socks pulled up to his knees?

Jesus christ, what a loving dork!

Can I just say... I totally disagree.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I groom pets for a living and have jacked off numerous dogs before. (And
liked it)

I've even used my mouth once.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

One time I got excessively drunk and puked my brains out. I thought I was gonna die and it scared me. I couldn't fathom how they were gonna tell my 3 year old niece she was never going to see her uncle again. I also wanted to go home and tell my parents I loved them and I was sorry for being such a gently caress up.

I feel much better now.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

i believe that the world is going to end in a few decades, and its going to be incredibly horrible leading up to it. worldwide tyranny 1984 style, and the weather getting more and more eradic every year. People will turn into disgusting, soulless animals, murdering each other for their own survival. The seabeds will break open, spilling magma into the ocean, causing it boil. This will create an incredible amount of steam, which will block out the sun for a while. The heat in the ocean will cause horrific, Godzillaesque monsters from the deepest parts of the ocean, where all the radiation rested from nuclear tests, to emerge like CTHULU. They will destroy the coasts. as dormant volcanos inexplicably erupt, more tsunamis mount, record-breaking earthquakes destroy cities, government-created famines will run amok and it will end with a biblical flood when the equator becomes the poles and the poles become the equator, as our entire history is crumbled, smashed, burned and washed away to make way for a new cycle of humanity.

i utterly believe this.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

Killing_field has a few good ideas for his stories, but I think his execution falls short. I'd like to offer some criticism, but I'm too worried about everyone in on the "killing_field is perfect!" circlejerk getting mad at me. I think he is now too full of himself to improve his writing any further.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

One time, when I was about 14 or 15...still a virgin. I took a pair of my cousins panties and sniffed them while I beat it.

I sincerely hope all these people sniffing their relatives undergarments are at least doing it because their said relative hot.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I've tasted my own poo poo before.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

Of my 22 years on this Earth, I've been someone's "boyfriend" for roughly two months. The only reason I've ever been on a date is because a girl asked me out. I broke up with her because I didn't like talking to her on the phone.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

Oh, this is the cousin panty sniffer..it happened on a camping trip. On that same trip I fingered a sleeping 14 year old

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

Tell that guy that said \"The only confession on here that disgusts me is the one about teamkilling.\" to shut the gently caress up.

Shut up guy.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I spent an entire semester in a linguistics course literally staring down the pants of the fine young lady who sat in front of me. I aced the course.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I'm 23 and still have a security blanket.

I've masturbated with family members 5 feet away.

I used to masturbate by humping my pillow, every night, for years. I'd just come on it and leave it there to dry. My mom would wash it every few months, without saying anything.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I've been with my boyfriend a long time, we're probably going to get married or something. Sometimes, though, I look at him and actually hate him. Sometimes I actually am disgusted with myself for letting him touch me. I think about sleeping with his friends. Most of the time, I love him, but then I can't help but wonder if I only do because he loves me.

# ? Aug 22, 2005 08:50

Countblanc: Apr 20, 2005; _{Help a hero out!}

It's times like this I wish I sinned more than I have.

Fake edit: I suppose I could write in about being the third person with a "Count" name, at least.

# ? Aug 22, 2005 08:50

persona au gratin: Feb 26, 2003; the cure for yellow fever.

Though I almost hate her guts, I still masturbate to the though[t posted:

of my
ex-girlfriend, dispite constantly denouncing her to my friends. She's
possibly the worst girl I've ever met, but she's probably the most
attractive person I'll ever date.]

I know how you feel, anonymous person.

different anonymous email posted:

I beat off frequently to porn where girls get dicks shoved down their throats til they puke.

I get very angry at porn or stories of porn where a girl isn't quite into it, like this. It makes me sad and angry when women are put in positions like this. I can't stop thinking about their backstory.

quote:

Count Von Count came out of the closet to say:
It's times like this I wish I sinned more than I have.

Fake edit: I suppose I could write in about being the third person with a "Count" name, at least.

Third and fourth?

persona au gratin fucked around with this message at 08:55 on Aug 22, 2005

# ? Aug 22, 2005 08:51

CountZero: Apr 17, 2005; by Ozma

quote:

Count Von Count came out of the closet to say:
It's times like this I wish I sinned more than I have.

Fake edit: I suppose I could write in about being the third person with a "Count" name, at least.

beat you by two days, buddy

# ? Aug 22, 2005 08:53

dharma queen: Jul 5, 2005

Goons are loving scary.

# ? Aug 22, 2005 08:54

Pf. Hikikomoriarty: Feb 15, 2003; RO YNSHO; Slippery Tilde

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I started having an affair and it's spiralled out of control until now I'm living what amounts to multiple lives. I have so many secrets I'm amazed I manage to keep track of them all. If I ever get busted I could seriously end up on television like the guys who are secret polygamists, etc.

I could write a lot more, as the start of this situation is what's seriously made me into what amounts to a sex addict, but everyone's confession is pretty short.

If people want to know the details, and it could help someone out later in life to not make my mistakes, I'll mail again using this phrase in the subject line-
The Crow Road

I would love to hear the details.

# ? Aug 22, 2005 08:54

DominionGalactica: Oct 13, 2004; "Defender of the Universe"

quote:

aluminum2mr came out of the closet to say:
People are loving scary.

Fixed.

# ? Aug 22, 2005 08:54

dumbhand: Nov 5, 2004; WATCH OUT!

This is one of the greatest ideas for a thread ever. Voted 5

# ? Aug 22, 2005 08:55

Lay-Z: Mar 5, 2003; Goin' down to Tickfaw, gonna have myself a time...

I guess it goes to show that no matter who you are or how well off you are, you have some skeletons in the closet. Some of these are pretty funny, the pear loving one I've been laughing at for a while now. This is a pretty good thread.

# ? Aug 22, 2005 09:00

Tyblerone: Dec 12, 2003; by Fistgrrl

5

hosed up poo poo yo's

# ? Aug 22, 2005 09:00

Pimpsolo: Jun 6, 2004

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:
I didn't send out any thank you notes for the graduation gifts that I
received. I love my relatives and I thanked them in person both for
the gifts they gave me and for coming to watch and celebrate my
matriculation, and I think that is enough.

At night, I can't sleep for the guilt at not sending the damned
letters, though, but it's far too late to send them now.

Argh, I can relate, and I was just almost forgetting it too, and now I wont sleep again. Thanks.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

Until my mid-teens, my family lived on about 11 very rural, wooded, acres. My friends and I used to have the best of times running around these woods and doing whatever the hell we wanted, because hey, they were our woods, right? Well one day when I was about 11 or 12, we were out exploring, and we found a water tank and corresponding water system on the outlying reaches our our property. Now, considering that I knew that this wasn't OUR water system, and that I knew that it WAS on OUR land, we decided to take drastic action. We went up to my dad's tool shed, and grabbed the two biggest pipe-wrenches that we could find, and proceeded to go back down to the spring and smash every single pipe that we could find. There were a lot of them. We hosed that water system up good.

Now the next day, I'm sitting at home, alone, when the phone rings. It's our nearest neighbor, who happened to own the parcel of land adjacent to us on the side of the now quite destroyed spring. He asks me whether my dad had been down to the spring recently to do any work, I freeze up, and tell him that no, my dad hadn't been down there in months. I gather, from the neighbor's pondering out loud on the phone, that the water system was his originally, and when my dad bought that part of the land it was in the agreement that our neighbor could keep his water system intact. Well, at least until we destroyed it, that is.

So for the rest of the afternoon, I paced back and forth between my bedroom and my parents room, all the while terrified that I would be found out, that I would be grounded, that I would be killed and fed to small animals, and such. I contemplated suicide many times on these paces, eyeing my dad's shotgun every time I walked into his room... Somehow, I calmed my nerves, and managed to not mention this incident ever again. I have to imagine that my parents know what happened, because eventually the spring got fixed. They have never, in over 10 years, brought this incident up, and one of these days, I'll mention it to them and find out their side of the story.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I liqui-shat my pants during a run in marine corps boot camp. My kill hat found out eventually, and I ended up cleaning the head for three hours under his supervision.

I also shat and pissed myself a lot while going to the head (still at boot camp) at 1 in the morning. I lost a lot of clothes because of this.

None of this happens to me anymore.

I am also a baptist.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I have very conservative political views on almost everything, including homosexuality. Someone even bought me a custom title once regarding comments I made in D&D about gays and their lifestyle.

At least 50% of the porn I look at is gay porn, and I have had sex with men on more than one occasion.

This is why I made this thread. Thank you for submitting... no pun. I'm sorry.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I like to rub my dick in mustard. Don\'t ask me why...

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I bought platinum hoping guys would PM me and I would find a boyfriend on the SomethingAwful forums.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I'm 21, and I've done utterly nothing with my life. Every opportunity I've been given, I've shat on and ruined. I dream of getting fit, finishing my degree, and going through Marine OCS. I know, though, that it's entirely likely that I would wash out of Quantico and will remain an obese virgin for the rest of my life.

You should see 40 Year Old Virgin, I just saw it yesterday, hilarious. Oh and sorry about your dilemma and all.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I torture cats on a regular basis. Stray or cats that wandered from their homes.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

Confession of a lurker.

I'm equipped with the typical sex drive of the
standard straight male who's ever looked at a pair of
breasts, but I'm WAY too addicted to female anal
pornography. About 95% of the time the only thing
that gets me off is imagining I'm licking rear end, loving
rear end, fingering rear end or rubbing my face between a pair
of sexy butt cheeks. In real life, oral or anything
standard will get me off, but in my fantasy world the
rear end reigns supreme and makes me most aroused. In
addition and to a greater extreme, I have a "slight"
scat fetish, but am not turned on by the idea of
eating it. I don't think about it all the time, but
if I'm feeling particularly dirty/kinky the idea of
smells will get me off. I have no idea where this
originated from, SERIOUSLY. I've grown up in a pretty
normal and healthy household, I'm just hosed up.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I actually hate lowtax, i like SA but i think that lowtax and everyone that runs SA needs to loving die, I think they are money grubbing whores that overcharge the poo poo out of people for dumb rear end poo poo that forum sites that are larger than SA give away for free, 9 bucks to put a loving picture under your name, what the gently caress ever! and dont' give me poo poo about "bandwidth" costs, cause i loving know by now they have their own dedicated line and they arnt' paying for bandwidth anymore, so they can take their little fuckign excuses and cram them stright up their loving asses, just make the goddamn membership like 3 bucks a month and give up the goods on all the features and quit charging for stupid poo poo, and i saw what i think was lowtax on "attack of the show" and i must say he's looks like a loving emo goth wannabe faghole!

KISS MY loving rear end LOWTAX, YOU LOW RENT gently caress SUCKING rear end in a top hat BITCH rear end loving LOSER, YOU COULDN"T TURN ON A BITCH WITH A LIGHTSWITCH YOU loving UGLY BASTARD, YOU LOOK LIKE SOMETHING AN IRISH MOTHER STICKS IN A POT TO BOIL FOR DINNER!!!

the rest of SA is cool though, however SA's creator can suck my loving balls, i really truely loving hate him.

Honestly, if mods don't want this stuff, and I would understand why. I wont post any more of these obviously if anyone indicates I shouldn't. I think It's worth the read though? By the way, I TOTALLY disagree. Also please inform me if anything like this is against forum rules for me to quote, I want to stay 100% forum legal here.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

My grandmother had a stroke several years ago and she has never been
the same. It's been something like eight years, and in all that time I
have not once had an honest to goodness enjoyable moment with her. I
cannot call her on the phone or even talk to her in person the same as
I could when I was a child, because she is not that same person. Now I
think she is dying, she has begun to give up, not doing any physical
therapy to bring herself back to some semblance of normality. If she
dies, my grandpa will, too.

He cried because she has given up. He is the classic tough man,
veteran of war upon war, dirty jokes and that strange demeanor of mock
toughness. He never shows any vulnerability.

And he cried.

I've not cried since I tore myself up falling off of my bike when I
was a kid, and I get near about to when I think about it. Not because
I'm losing these wonderful people, these inspirations, their stories,
their lives, but because I'm afraid that if they do go, I'm never
going to get the chance to make it up to them by speaking with them
like they deserve. Even worse is that I can't even begin to tell this
to my closest friends and that I might not even have it in me to cry
anymore.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I got head from my best friend's girlfriend. My best friend is a goon

:dramabomb:

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I visit fark solely for the boobies links.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I was babysitting this kid who was about 13 months old once, and he was
being a brat for the entire night. I eventually lost my temper and punched
him in the chest.

So you're the one on 60 minutes. This is one I really hope isn't true, or that it was a really light punch? How do you punch a kid in the chest?

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

TheSwami sucks. He's a liar, he's conceited and he sucks at the phone number game. I don't know why people feel the need to suck his drunk cock when he drags himself out of the woodwork like they do. I'm still waiting until his fifteen minutes of forum fame are over.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I think that 90% of the punishments for mod sass are bullshit. The mods who issue them are abusing their powers to punish people who argue with them in a manner which is otherwise acceptable on these forums.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I love pre-op transsexuals. I find myself jerking it to tranny porn all the time. I fantasize about having sex with one and even being on the receiving end. I don't like guys or even masculine looking transsexuals. I like the very feminine looking ones. I've never followed through actually having sex with a transgendered person though.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I poo poo everywhere I can.

On my neighbors porches
On my neighbors cars. Hoods/Bumpers
On the seat of their renal tractors
On their window sills
On people's necks at parties who passed out.

In people's Drinks

Literally everywhere you can think of

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I lie to girls. Not little lies, but elaborate fake life stories I try to get them to hook up with me or set me up with their friends. I lie about sex, I lie about doing or not doing drugs, I lie about being molested as a child, I lie about what I\'m looking for in a girl, I lie about religion, I lie about mental disorders, I lie my loving rear end off and stay consistent.

This is the only way I get girls. When I\'m done with them, I cut off all contact and never speak to them again.

# ? Aug 22, 2005 09:05

nitrogen: May 21, 2004; Oh, what's a 217°C difference between friends?

quote:

While this isn't a deep, dark confession, it lingers over me greatly:

I'm 24 years old, a college graduate, and I honestly don't know my multiplication tables or division. I've tried recently and in the past to commit them to memory, but I've tried and they simply don't remain in my head. It sort of makes me feel like a fraud because a lot of the people I socialize with are scholarly folk and see me as a whiz with math. Only with a calculator nearby, however. Third graders can do this stuff, but I cannot for the life of me learn it on my own.

This person probably has something called dyscalculia. I have it, and have the same problems.
I thought I was some weirdo, until my fiance�, who is a special education teacher, explained the thing to me.

http://www.dyscalculia.org/

# ? Aug 22, 2005 09:07

Hoju: Jun 1, 2000; The kids can call you Hoju

quote:

Mort came out of the closet to say:

I would love to hear the details.

Me too

# ? Aug 22, 2005 09:10

grand_danois: Jan 9, 2005; not a dog irl

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I know the next several years comprise the most important formative time for me personally and professionally. To successfully navigate through them requires more discipline and patience than I have. I need to establish a strict, harsh and comprehensive routine in just a few days, or I�m floating without a sail through still, open waters.
These years will not directly affect anyone else. I�m usually very good and reliable when someone is depending on me. Now, I need to get my act together and do something not because someone else expects me to do it, but because I know it�s the right thing.
This isn�t anonymous because I did something wrong. It is anonymous because it embarrasses me that others seem to get through comparable times with ease, and I�m still fighting for the resolve.

That describes me to the T! Good luck, anonymous buddy. I hope it works out for ya.

# ? Aug 22, 2005 09:13

HawaiinYeti: Mar 12, 2005; All right, all right. Knock it off. We tried. Whatever.; Grimey Drawer

quote:

Some jack rear end came out of the closet to say:

I torture cats on a regular basis. Stray or cats that wandered from their homes.

I seriously hope you loving die. I don't expect you to reply, but what do you get from torturing cats that don't know what the gently caress? They're just going about their natural lives until you do whatever the gently caress you do to them.

# ? Aug 22, 2005 09:15

hog wizard: Feb 16, 2005; by angerbeet

This is some of the funniest poo poo I've ever read.

# ? Aug 22, 2005 09:16

Pimpsolo: Jun 6, 2004

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I hate my ex but can't stop thinking about the time we spent together, even 8 months after we broke up. Since then I mostly use women for sex and feign interest in them, including her cousin which I regret.

I'm also afraid swimming in water I can't see through which makes going to the lake an interesting trip with friends.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

Last night a subordinate slept over in my room...and tonight I'm about to go
gently caress her best friend.

This isn't how I want to live.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I've Jacked off a Dogg

When I was 17, I pulled back my cousins panties to see her pussy.

I have stolen, over the years, a considerable ammount of things from numerous people. Including 3 laptops.

I watch my neighbors loving all the time. I also watch the fatty next door undress after a hard days work, and make fun of her to myself in the dark about her flapjack titties.

I shot my neighbor in the neck with a bb gun.

When I first purchased said bb gun, I sat up in my treefort for a few hours pretending I was a commando. The treefort was on a hill overlooking my street. The BMW across the street from me beeped, started and drove at least 300 yards down the street before I squeezed off a shot while I lead the thing through my scope. I remember hearing a loud pop and screeching tires as the entire rear window shattered.

I was so scared I laid down but there was no chance he would ever see me.

I also used to go to the golf course and shoot at drunk drivers as they left the bar late at night.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

Nothing that I have ever seen on the internet has ever truly disturbed
me. Nothing.

Climaxing dicknipples on a multi-breasted, hermaphroditic centaur
being anally raped by a dragon? Bring on the lolz.

That polio-stricken Goddess Bunny, tapdancing and looming toward the
camera? Haha, at least the poor girl knows how to make a living!

Harlequin babies? Kinda gross, but they look like cute widdle fishies.

Even that fyadlol video never made me sick to my stomach or creeped
out, just given me a morbid fascination to pause the video and see the
gross tortures.

The only thing that truly shakes me is myself, that nothing I've seen
has made any sort of lasting impact. I even tell my friends how
disturbing something is so that they won't realize how strangely
inured I am to all of it.

I won't even go onto ogrish for the chance that none of the terrible
depravities they have on file there will affect me.

Oh, and this is something like my eighth confession tonight, but I've
enough to continue for hours.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

Dear TFR:

I was watching TV with some friends the other day and by gum, when
MacGuyver pistol whipped a neo-nazi with his finger inside the trigger
guard and the muzzle pointed roughly in the direction of his own head,
I laughed instead of shrieking in horror and bitching about the
dumbass writers.

Please forgive me.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I'm really hosed up sexually. I waver between wanting to be totally humiliated forcefully by dozens of guys, to wanting to have sex slaves of my own. I'm bi and I have a kind-of girlfriend but I also can't stop thinking about men, and 99% of my fantasies are about them.

Also lots of the time when people write banme rants about dickish stuf the admins have done I agree with them but I never say anything because I don't want to get banned myself.

Also also, if I had the power to make people explode just by looking at them, a shitload of people would be dead and I wouldn't feel sorry at all.

I... think that's a Twilight Zone episode?

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I think Lowtax is a poo poo poster. His frontpage articles are usually pretty good, but that's it. I don't buy the line that he's entitled to be so loving grouchy because he has to put up with a lot of other faggots. Boo loving hoo, grow a thicker skin and stop getting pissed off and running off to fyad with "gbs shits all over my thread waaa". I'm sure ozma, fistgrrl, omgwtfbbq, mayor wilkins etc all get retarded posts and questions, but they're not complete babies about it. Lowtax takes poo poo way too seriously (yes i know it's his livelihood, but even so) and then tries to convince himself and others that it's just lol internet lol and you're a fag if you take it seriously. Also fyad is an unfunny useless circlejerk parasite forum 90% of the time.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I tried to sleep with my mom while she was passed out drunk.

I used to wear diapers and masturbate in them.

I like to watch bestiality and want to gently caress a horse sometime.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I sold a pregnant woman four cigarettes for a dollar because I really wanted some gum.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I like to act like a girl in mmo's to get free items from horny geeks.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

Forgive me father for I have sinned:

Once I was on a long trip on a Greyhound bus. I was getting horny looking at a hot older chick wearing a tight shirt and her nipples were hard. I couldn't help myself and I went to the bathroom and rubbed one out.

Thats right, I jerked off in the back of a Greyhound bus.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

want to know how the girl who wrote

"I bought platinum hoping guys would PM me and I would find a boyfriend on the SomethingAwful forums."

is, so I can be her boyfriend. I'm entirely serious and I know its sad, but any girl being a goon is enough reason for me to want to loving marry her.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

When I was in junior high, I attended a winter formal dance (as formal
as junior high dances could get) and was hanging out with some
friends. A boy came up to me and asked me to dance and I told him no
because he looked like a real geeky dork and I didn't want to be seen
dancing with him. I wish I could go back in time and say yes to him
because it must take a lot of guts to go up to a girl and ask her to
dance, and rejection at that age can be a big deal. It's kind of
insignificant, but looking back on it I really wish I said yes and
hadn't been so shallow.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

When I was about 10 years old my friend who was 12 told his younger brother
(7-8) to lick his friends rear end. His little brothers friend (7-8) then pulled
down his pants and my friends little brother licked his rear end with a huge grin
on his face.

The kids face while licking the other kids rear end has haunted me for the last
10 years of my life.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I used to fantasise a great deal about having sex with my moderately attractive cousin. I enjoy insex videos very much, and would love to experiment with that kind of thing but I have no idea how I would find someone who was willing to come along for the ride. I'd post more stuff but I think it would become possible for some people to figure out who this is.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I'm a 20 year old virgin who masturbates around 3 times a day to hentai porn.

I thought there'd be more of these confessions to be honest.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

For as long as I remembered, I have always been attrached to older
men. I have since been intimate with a man, 3 times my age.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

bmevideo.wmv got me arroused

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

Like that other guy, I was able to lick the head of my cock when i was about 14/15. I once put honey on it and sucked/jerked myself off into my mouth and swallowed. I'm too fat to do it any more but i would if I could.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

When I was a kid, twelve or thirteen maybe, I would look at kiddie porn because I wanted to fantasize about being with people my own age. I didn't know it was wrong and wasn't concerned with the abuse those little girls must have gone through. I've often wondered what the legality of doing that actually is. I've come to the conclusion that it would be an underage person looking at porn, whatever the punishment for that is, and then the child porn charge. I don't think the judge would just let the two cancel out.

Quite the moral/legal predicament.

# ? Aug 22, 2005 09:18

Bob Harris: Nov 2, 2004; For relaxing times,
make it
Suntory time.

Only two pages and this thread is already gold. This is history we're witnessing, folks.

# ? Aug 22, 2005 09:19

Arach: Oct 3, 2003; Dive! Dive! Di... are you diving yet?; Grimey Drawer

Thread of a loving era. I'm transfixed and mashing F5.

quote:

HawaiinYeti came out of the closet to say:

I seriously hope you loving die. I don't expect you to reply, but what do you get from torturing cats that don't know what the gently caress? They're just going about their natural lives until you do whatever the gently caress you do to them.

Seriously. That poo poo wont do at all. In this thread I've experienced two things, sympathy and laughter. This Cat killing gently caress gave me blind irrational rage. FYAD.

# ? Aug 22, 2005 09:20

CountZero: Apr 17, 2005; by Ozma

Some of them disturbed me a little bit, but the one that really got me was the one who punched a baby in the chest.

honestly! who the gently caress does that?! I wanna kick your rear end, sir/ma'am

also, who's the ladygoon who wants a goon boyfriend? that's kinda hot

# ? Aug 22, 2005 09:25

Pimpsolo: Jun 6, 2004

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

A couple months ago, while I was still at University, I was walking down the stairs to the laundry room the morning after an evening of marijuana-hazed misbehaviour. I farted, but it wasn't just a fart - I actually shat my pyjamas. I went upstairs to throw away my pyjamas, wipe the poo poo off my leg, have a poo poo into a toilet, and put on my bathrobe so as to go downstairs and finally collect my laundry, which I'd put in the dryer late the previous evening.

The worst thing is that, while I was in my room putting on my bathrobe, I seriously considered posting a thread in GBS about my pants-making GBS threads adventure. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to do so anonymously.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I'm a guy but I hate being male. My entire life I've just felt like
there was something wrong and about two months ago I had a nervous
breakdown over it. I'm scared to change genders even though everyone
I know in real life is supporting of me and just wants me to be
happy. The truth is after realizing that I want to be a girl I've
been a lot happier in general with myself. I used to have to have
CONSTANT stimulation in order to distract myself from this issue but
now as long as I know I'm doing something about my gender problem I'm
able to be happy just existing. Being transgendered sucks; you're
damned if you transition and you're damned if you don't.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

Forgive me father, for I have sinned...

Even though I'm engaged, there are at least 3 women I know that I
would still have sex with. I actually think of them most of the time
when I'm having sex with her, or when she's pleasing me. Don't get me
wrong, I love my fiancee, and the thought of not being with her kills
me... it's just that she's my first, and I really would like to screw
some other chicks before we get married, and while I'm still young.

I think Lowtax, and everyone involved in creating content for SA, even
though they are occasionally funny, are gigantic assholes. 85% of the
usual posters on SA are mentally deficient, without a shred of common
sense, or otherwise sub-par human beings. The 15% that are not
complete wastes of atoms more than make up for it, though. I feel the
same way about political and social conservatives.

I really, really wish there was such thing as magic, genies, fairies,
or any other wish-granting beings/abilities, because I really want to
be a superhero.

I feel worse for blind, deaf, or disabled animals than I do for humans
with he same afflictions. I really want their to be extremely harsh
laws for animal cruelty and abuse. It's not that I hate humans, but
that I think humans have the cognitive capacities to understand what
is wrong and are able to more easily live their lives, unlike most
animals. However, I do think Earth needs a cleansing, and humans need
a reality check - I want a lot of aliens to come down and kill lots of
people, if only to show humans that we aren't the boss of the
universe.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

When I was like, 9 to 11, I was on a family vacation to yellowstone national park. We lived in south carolina or delware at the time, I can\'t remember which, so we were pretty far from home. We were on the road there or back or whatever and at a gas station and somebody left their coke unattended by the soda fountain machine. I put a bunch of pepper in it. It was at the top so i think they didnt notice and drank it down to the bottom and right at the end got pepper cola and it ruined their whole drink.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

Sometimes I wish my dad would die just so that I could feel a wash of grief and at the same time, relief.

He's been a very heavy smoker forever, and even though he's not sick now, I know he's going to get cancer and die way too young. I just wish he would either stop smoking or just...stop being around.

I love him, but I hate him for not quitting. And I feel guilty about it.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

Me and my friends occasionally go to New Hope, Pennsylvania, where there's shopping and restaurants and stuff. We live in Yardley, PA, it's like a half hour drive.

Anyway we'll spend the day or afternoon or whatever there. There happens to usually be a lot of gay people there. So me and my friends will make fun of them.

But I secretly think a lot of the gay men and teens there are really hot and i would gladly have gay sex with them, and I consider myself bisexual.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I really wish I could believe in some form of god, but no matter how
hard I try, I can't.

I have not set foot outside of my apartment for the past week and a half.

I smoke and drink to help with my social disorders so that I can enjoy my life.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I caught one of my best friends dressed up like a girl when I dropped by his house just a few days before graduation. He was home alone and wearing his older sister\'s clothes. He looked passable, and, well, kinda hot. He ended up sucking me off and I came on his sister\'s clothes and his face. I haven\'t talked to him since.

quote:

anonymous email came out of the closet to say:

I have been a member of the forums for a few years and have made lots of online friends. None of them know I\'m a girl. I\'m afraid to tell them because they\'ll treat me differently.

Pimpsolo fucked around with this message at 09:28 on Aug 22, 2005

# ? Aug 22, 2005 09:25

Squiggle: Sep 29, 2002; I don't think she likes the special sauce, Rick.

This is an excellent idea. Bravo.

# ? Aug 22, 2005 09:30

Poopsichord: Aug 8, 2005; POPOPOPOPO

quote:

anonymous e-mail came out of the closet to say:
I really, really wish there was such thing as magic, genies, fairies,
or any other wish-granting beings/abilities, because I really want to
be a superhero.

Hello, fantasy friend.

# ? Aug 22, 2005 09:30

shame on an IGA: Apr 8, 2005

quote:

When I was a kid, twelve or thirteen maybe, I would look at kiddie porn because I wanted to fantasize about being with people my own age. I didn't know it was wrong and wasn't concerned with the abuse those little girls must have gone through. I've often wondered what the legality of doing that actually is. I've come to the conclusion that it would be an underage person looking at porn, whatever the punishment for that is, and then the child porn charge. I don't think the judge would just let the two cancel out.

I could be sure I heard about a case a few months ago where a NJ girl was charged with child porn for taking photos of herself.

# ? Aug 22, 2005 09:31

CountZero: Apr 17, 2005; by Ozma

quote:

The Proc came out of the closet to say:

I could be sure I heard about a case a few months ago where a NJ girl was charged with child porn for taking photos of herself.

hey what?

# ? Aug 22, 2005 09:31

Squiggle: Sep 29, 2002; I don't think she likes the special sauce, Rick.

quote:

CountZero came out of the closet to say:

hey what?

He said I COULD BE SURE I HEARD ABOUT A CASE A FEW MONTHS AGO WHERE A NJ GIRL WAS CHARGED WITH CHILD PORN FOR TAKING PHOTOS OF HERSELF!

# ? Aug 22, 2005 09:33

CountZero: Apr 17, 2005; by Ozma

quote:

Squiggle came out of the closet to say:

He said I COULD BE SURE I HEARD ABOUT A CASE A FEW MONTHS AGO WHERE A NJ GIRL WAS CHARGED WITH CHILD PORN FOR TAKING PHOTOS OF HERSELF!

Ohh, thanks, I am a little hard of hearing

# ? Aug 22, 2005 09:33

tiananman: Feb 6, 2005; Non-Headkins Splatoma

Oh god, reading your own confession is like looking at your own anus in a mirror.

Hmmm...that's kind of a confession all its own, isn't it?

# ? Aug 22, 2005 09:42

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 26, 2024 10:22

Hizawk: Jun 18, 2004; High on the Lions.

I am pretty sure the lady goon is just a guy who wants other guys to spam all the other lady goons in hopes of finding the nonexistent lady goon. That makes the most sense, and I mean, this is SA anyways.

anonymous e-mail came out of the closet to say:
I really, really wish there was such thing as magic, genies, fairies,
or any other wish-granting beings/abilities, because I really want to
be a superhero.

I like magic more than technology. I can do without the whole superhero thing.

# ? Aug 22, 2005 09:42

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Something Awful Anonymous Confessional

«‹›45 »