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DamnCanadian posted:Well, I guess history is the least of the kid's worries, but I think he meant Marc Antony and Cleopatra, given that Alexander the Great was dead long before Cleopatra was born. seriously, watch out for the West Nile eh?
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Nov 30, 2006 20:13
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| # ? Apr 23, 2024 11:29 |
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Haha, awesome. This is the first time I've ever bothered subscribing to a thread. Tell us more, Uncle Humper-Monkey!
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Nov 30, 2006 20:14
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I've got to say man, you live an enchanted life. God speed, thread subscribed.
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Nov 30, 2006 20:16
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This is the most recent good story I have read since the one's involving your blind friend. I'm looking forward to these.
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Nov 30, 2006 20:17
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Man this is completely unfortunate. You can do what my dad did and that's forced labor. Work his rear end off until he cannot move and that usually settles them down after a few months. Although we got a myriad of nightly rear end kickings on top of the forced labor, but hell i'm none the worse for wear. Got out in great shape, top notch work ethic and i'm the most courteous man I know. Starting making a list of chores and get ready for guard duty sir
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Nov 30, 2006 20:18
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There aren't enough people like Humper-Monkey out there. If anyone can straighten this kid out, I'd wager it's him. I am looking forward to seeing how this pans out.
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Nov 30, 2006 20:18
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I saw you post in another thread and I thought to myself "You know, I sure would like to see another Humper Monkey thread." Lo and behold! Thank you for this.
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Nov 30, 2006 20:18
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oh hell yes now wheres that update
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Nov 30, 2006 20:18
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So much for getting anything done at work today. The first bit was awesome, I cannot wait for more.
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Nov 30, 2006 20:19
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Another Humpermonkey thread! The last one was amazing cant wait for this one to play out.
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Nov 30, 2006 20:19
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At least I can live vicariously through this story, I'm not legally allowed to smack around pissy children 
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Nov 30, 2006 20:22
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Great start, Monkey. Now I have something to look forward to when I get back home tonight 
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Nov 30, 2006 20:22
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Jesus Christ, I'm not a fan of the military and the way it is currently being wielded, but I'll be damned if I'm not glad that about half of my family has military background. That poo poo wouldn't fly in the family. Definitely ready and waiting for the rest of this story.
The Dipshit fucked around with this message at 20:27 on Nov 30, 2006 |
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Nov 30, 2006 20:23
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Where's the rest of it? I look forward to seeing how this madness turns out!
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Nov 30, 2006 20:25
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Haha. Sorry your ex-wife gave birth to a little anime human being that thinks hitting girls is cool. Can't wait to read more.
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Nov 30, 2006 20:26
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OK, so I'd hung up the phone from my ex and turned around. He's finally come in the house, and is looking around. Now, this is a little house I bought when I figured I'd either get killed, or need somewhere to live after the Army wouldn't let me stay anymore. It's a little four bedroom cottage, cute as hell, with hardwood. My wife worked hard to make it into a home, and I could see her touches everywhere. "What a dump." Way to get on my good side. gently caress this. I've had about enough. "Strip." "What?" "Strip to your underwear, throw your clothing on the floor." "No." "Booooy." By this time he's learned that when I said it like that, and the vien in my forehead pulsed like a python eating a baby, I was about at the end of my rope. "This is sexual abuse." he whines, but starts undressing. I check him for needle marks, look up his nose, then toss his pockets. Three joints I'd missed at the rest stop, and a small baggy of ragweed hidden in his wallet. "Get dressed, get your poo poo, put it in here. I can't trust you, I'm searching your poo poo again." I tell him, sitting down and lighting a smoke. I want a loving drink and for him to vanish up his own rear end. All the father/son bonding scenarios that I'd wished for when I was driving to get him had all turned to some kind of sick joke. My wife took the pot and threw it in the wood stove, and I started a fire while he lugged his poo poo into the house, whining the whole time. I tossed the poo poo, found more dope, clothing that hadn't been washed in long enough it stunk to high heaven, more sicko-porn. It went into the fire. I ignored his complaining, and finally told him to put everything in his room, and to go to bed. "I'm sorry." My wife tells me, reaching out and holding my hand. I knew what she meant. "I'm going to sleep on the couch." I tell her. She just nods, and goes to bed. 0430 and I snap awake, clawing at the couch and nightmares scattering. I get up, stretch, ignore the rice crispie sounds, and wander into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee and smoke a cigarette. I'm on my second cup of coffee, I've stirred up and loaded up the fire to warm the house, when I hear an unfamiliar alarm go off. You've got to be kidding me. Sure enough, I hear rustling, then his door (You live in a house for 5 years, you learn to ID every loving noise that house makes) and footsteps. I reach out and turn off the kitchen light. He reaches for the door, dressed all in black. "Going somewhere?" I ask from darkness. He jumps. "Ummm... errr..." "Go back and put on real clothing. In about two hours I'm taking you to register for school." He mumbles to himself and walks off. I hear him slam his door, and I call out: "Don't bother trying the windows. They don't open in that room!" I hear something hit the wall and chuckle. An hour later, his sisters are all trying to talk to him, and he's said poo poo like "I don't talk to mortals!" and other bullshit. His sisters are crushed. On the way to the JR. High I tell him he'll start treating his sisters with respect. "Or what?" he sneers. "Or the only thing in your room will be your bed and a cardboard box with your clothing. I'll lock everything else in the shed." I answer. He stares at me in shock. "Mommy won't let you." "You're mother isn't here, boy." We get to the school, he's signing up for classes. They have to wait three days before he can start while his records get transferred. "I should call the cops on you, my ear still hurts." he whines on the way home. I pull into the grocery store, jump out, and go over to the County Mounty's car. "Hey, Bud, my son needs a reality lesson." I tell Bud, the local Sheriff. "Then give it to him. Need me to hold him?" "Just explain reality to him." So Bud goes with me back to the car, and Bud explains that the definition of child abuse in Washington State is a fuckload different from Idaho, and this was backwoods, and the local law and judges and child welfare services believed that a lack of discipline led to youth crime. He gets the point that while he may have been able to call CPS in Idaho for being stood in the corner, as long as I don't try to do lasting harm or go all loving Resivior Dogs on him, he's pretty much out of luck. He spends the rest of the day hiding in his room. I try to get him to come out, but he just slams his door or yells: "LEAVE ME ALONE!" OK, no prob, he needs time to adjust that he's not able to bully the adults in this house. At dinner he just sits there, staring at his food. "I want to call mommy." he says at dinner, "And I don't want this, it looks weird." "Eat or starve!" my middle daughter quotes. "SHUT UP, BITCH!" he screams at her, sticking his fist in her face. I start to stand up and the wife grabs my leg. "Apologize to your sister." she says. It's the tone. I've heard her sound like that before. "NO! I HATE IT HERE! YOU DON'T RESPECT ME!" he screams. He points his finger across the table. "YOU'RE A loving BIT..." she grabs his finger and twists. "Eat or starve." My wife repeats, staring at him. I know what he's seeing. "You can call your mother after dinner." I tell him. "I'm not eating!" he yells, and throws his plate against the wall. My wife gets up, walks around the table, grabs his ear, and makes him clean it up. He calls his mom. "Mommy, can I come home?" he whines. I hear laughter and then a *click* "I'd say that was a no. Get your laundry, you're going to learn to wash your loving clothing, then you're taking a shower." He stunk like a bag of assholes left in the sun. ---------------- It's 0530, wake up time! The bus gets there at 0700, and there's things to do! The girls get up, chattering and laughing, and I bang on his door. "WAKE UP CALL!" "gently caress OFF!" he yells. I open the door, walk in, and flip his matress off his bed. "Get up. Get dressed in the sweats I gave you last night." He's obviously surly, but he does it. gently caress it, I'm tired of his poo poo already. The whole family goes out in the front yard, we stretch, then we start jogging. We jog down to the beach (Not that far, maybe two blocks) and start jogging on the sand. It's the oldest daughter's turn to count cadence, and before we do a half mile, the boy is flagging, gasping for air and bent over. I turn us around early, and we jog back to the house. (This is a normal routine, my kids and I do PT together every morning. They're proud of themselves, and healthy) By the time we get back, he's crying and gagging. We don't even do a mile. "Don't you have PE or something?" I ask. "Mommy told the school I didn't have to do it. I'm telling her you made me do this." "Mommy can't help you now, boy." ----------------- I'm a suspicious bastard. My kids know this. I have keyloggers on the computers they use. I have a list of numbers and addresses for all their friends. They get their rooms inspected for cleanliness and such (Don't get me wrong, they get rewards and chore money, I'm not a total Nazi) as well as their mom checking their feet once a week. My oldest daughter knew I'd read her email. Now, she knows I'll pick up the extension and listen. It's not them I don't trust. It's all them other motherfuckers out there. Anyway, I'm playing Civ III and I see the "In Use" light flash on the phone. Suspicious I pick it up, hit mute, and listen. It's The Boy. He's talking to his girlfriend, asking her to send him $150 so he can get a bus ticket out of here. I make him do chores and stand over him while he does them. I took away his Gameboy and PS1 for threatening to slap his sister when she wouldn't give him the TV remote. I checked his homework every night and his teachers emailed me his homework. I make him excersize. And horrors of horrors, I won't let him watch cartoon network, and he's missing Dragonball Zee. He's going to run away tonight, when he knows I go to sleep. There's nothing I can do to stop him, I'm just a stupid old man. At midnight, he's going to sneak out. She tells him she can't send him money, and he says he'll just steal it out of my wife's desk drawer. (She kept my tips in the drawer) He starts going on about how they're Cleopatra and Alexander the Great, and she goes on about how she'd waited for him to reborn for eons (Eons? WTF?) and kept herself virginal just for him. (Virginal, she was loving pregnant) He was talking about how he knew his sperm could overwhelm the "stupid mortal" sperm that got her pregnant, and it would be his child, but they'd have to hide it would have a tail. (At this I was totally confused, so I typed in Dragon Ballz on Google and found out. Oh man, this was hosed) So after dinner, he sulks off to his room, and the girls and I play "Monster Tag!" in the front yard till bed and bath time. I tell my wife about the phone call, and she asks me what I'm going to do. "I'm gonna invite Bud and Scott over." I tell her. She starts laughing. I go wait about an hour, go out the back door to the back porch, and wait. Bud and Scott show up, and we wait. He runs, we track him. He gets lost in the National Park, and if we hadn't been tracking him, he'd have died of goddamn exposure. Bud taught SERE for 4 years after Vietnam, Scott was an Ex-Ranger, and I was raised by my father. It was like tracking an elephant. He stole $250 out of my tips (The tips were saved until we had enough to go to Disneyland, on a cruise, buy Christmas presents, birthday presents, etc, it was called "Happy Money" by us) and got lost. The next day, I took him to the local counselling center. He'd been living with me for a month, and hadn't learned a goddamn thing.
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Nov 30, 2006 20:26
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hacknee posted:Where's the rest of it? I look forward to seeing how this madness turns out! Oh you better buckle down and commit several days to reading this thread, it will be completely mesmerizing.
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Nov 30, 2006 20:28
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raditts posted:Haha. Sorry your ex-wife gave birth to a little anime human being that thinks hitting girls is cool. Can't wait to read more. I have no idea how I would react to a 13 year old defying me because he's "insert-random-anime-hero". Abortion in 200th trimester time. That type of behavior is not even cool for an 8 year old.
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Nov 30, 2006 20:28
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hee hee great story 
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Nov 30, 2006 20:33
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Check their feet? 
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Nov 30, 2006 20:36
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the last monkey humper thread i read was the one about the blind kid. I can't wait, and oh so subscribed.
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Nov 30, 2006 20:37
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Remulak posted:Check their feet? Yeah I wondering about that myself.
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Nov 30, 2006 20:37
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drug use with needles?
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Nov 30, 2006 20:38
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While the kid sounds like a total douchebag, he's loving 13. And your daily family jogs and crazy spying habits are really weird.
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Nov 30, 2006 20:38
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This little poo poo reminds me of my half-brother. They are drat near exact in every way - only, replace the Dragon Ball crap with anything dirtbike and that's him. He swears he's going to be a pro dirtbike racer or some poo poo... and this makes him untouchable. I was raised by my grandpa... a Marine in the Korean War, ex-boxer and all around badass. I'm sticking to this thread like saiyan-jizz on your boy's girlfriend, Monkey. I gotta see where this goes.
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Nov 30, 2006 20:39
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This is a little unbelievable, but it's entertaining anyway. Awaiting more.
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Nov 30, 2006 20:39
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I need to sleep but this is just too good.
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Nov 30, 2006 20:40
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-Misfit- posted:I have no idea how I would react to a 13 year old defying me because he's "insert-random-anime-hero". Abortion in 200th trimester time. That type of behavior is not even cool for an 8 year old. I know what you mean. I always thought I'd like to have kids someday, but I am not sure how I'd handle anything like this. I hope that I could raise a kid so that it never reached this stage, but I do worry about it. Like H-M said, it's all of those other motherfuckers out there that you need to worry about. edit: Llegovski posted:While the kid sounds like a total douchebag, he's loving 13. And your daily family jogs and crazy spying habits are really weird. Bart Fargo fucked around with this message at 20:43 on Nov 30, 2006 |
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Nov 30, 2006 20:40
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Remulak posted:Check their feet? Gotta make sure they wash between their toes  .
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Nov 30, 2006 20:40
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They will have to hide the fact that the trailer whore who got knocked up and had your son's sperm rearrange all previous DNA, will have a tail. . . I hope he doesn't lose a whole lot of sleep wondering how he's going to accomplish that. You should start walking around him mentioning how much you love Dragonball Z and poo poo. He should instantly stop liking it.
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Nov 30, 2006 20:41
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This is probably one of the best threads I've ever read, keep going!
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Nov 30, 2006 20:41
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Humper Monkey you live such an interesting life. Cant wait for more stories.
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Nov 30, 2006 20:42
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You really have a solid grip on your kids' lives. Other than your noncompliant, newly acquired son, do your other children ever complain about how it's unfair that their friends/peers are parented differently? If this kid has yet to adapt to his new family and life, when do you think he will start to come around (if ever)?
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Nov 30, 2006 20:43
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Holy crap you are an awesome dad. The fact that you're totally up front with your kids about guarding them is amazing. My dad just did poo poo like that in secret because he didn't trust me. Something about "how he wouldn't trust himself at that age". Good luck with the surprise kid. Tell him anime is for pussies and make him watch 24.
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Nov 30, 2006 20:43
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Remulak posted:Check their feet? The only thing I can think of is drug use. It's one way of taking the needle without any of the obvious places showing. Lynex posted:Hygiene. Toe-nails and all that jazz. That too, heh, and the most likely of the explainations I wager considering how awesome your kids are. I was raised very matter-of-factly so I respect your style, sir. Great story. CapnBiggles fucked around with this message at 20:45 on Nov 30, 2006 |
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Nov 30, 2006 20:43
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Remulak posted:Check their feet? Hygiene. Toe-nails and all that jazz.
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Nov 30, 2006 20:44
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efb.
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Nov 30, 2006 20:45
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 serialized posting
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Nov 30, 2006 20:45
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Oh, Humper-Monkey.  You're what this kid needed. But was it in time? It is sometimes possible for a 13-year-old boy to stop being a sack of poo poo, so I hope that wherever he is now -- with you or elsewhere -- he's got a shot at it.
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Nov 30, 2006 20:45
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| # ? Apr 23, 2024 11:29 |
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Great writing. If this is indicative of your usual writing, you really should be writing novels. You have a skill for telling a story.
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Nov 30, 2006 20:46
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