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Directed by: Tom McLoughlin Starring: Jeremy Sumpter [There are a lot of SPOILERS about the film in this review, but I don't think it will hinder the viewing so I will not hide them. If you don't want spoilers I suggest you don't read this review. Sorry.] “You are about to enter an adult only site, if you are under 18 (and in some states 21) do not enter and click ‘leave’ where you will be directed to https://www.google.com I’d say around one hundred percent of people under 18 (and in some states 21) are clever enough to click enter to see some breasts and vagina, and a penis in between that breast and inside that vagina and sometimes anus. That’s exactly why they’re on the site in the first place. There will be no crisis of conscious where their mouse will hover over the ‘leave’ button. Their will be no clicking of the leave button. Even if they ended up on the pornographic site by accident they’re liable to click ‘enter’ as an exercise of curiosity. Following that, the person will be overcome with wonder and will soon have no friends, no girlfriend, will get beaten up, will attempt suicide, they will have a family that despises them; their dad will even want to punch them in the face, they will fail at school or work; and your wife if you have one will divorce you. Or at least according to the film “Cyber Seduction: His secret life.” This film’s portrayal of pornography struck me as particularly hilarious. There is not one bare breast in this film at all; the idea of ‘porn’ is someone fully clothed dancing semi-erotically. I wouldn't expect any less, though, it's a TV Movie with an MA rating. The guy in the film, Justin, is so addicted to pornography that before his swimming tryout he’d rather just sit by the pool on the bench looking at porn (pictures of clothed girls!) on his girlfriend’s PDA and be coerced into the pool through shouting. He was a great swimmer before, but he only scrapes a third place here; pornography has forsaken Justin. His e-mail address is given as “Justin@email." Classy stuff. Justin becomes infatuated with some cliché slut that goes to his school and is dating a buff jock bastard. His infatuation is based on the fact that she has her own website where she does things of a slut nature and he e-mails her as ‘swimmer’ and she laps it up like a cat to milk. He meets her in a café and she urges him to grab her tit which he does and leaves abruptly because he’s probably drat near pissed a white river in his pants. Anyway, he shows Jock Bastard a website he likes which is of a girl dressed in latex bondage and Jock Bastard freaks out because he’s a prude and Justin@email just doesn’t understand. Jock Bastard even tells Jock Bastard numbers 2-5 about it and they berate the poor guy, who just goes off and looks at more clothed girls prancing about on his computer. He’s so into pornography at this point that he doesn’t listen to his girlfriend anymore, he just looks around at girls breast region and anal-region with lustful camerawork used to show how infatuated with girls features he was at this point in the story. Sorry state of affairs. So Cliché Slut re-emerges into the picture and Justin finds himself at her door, she invites him in and drags him upstairs so they can make sweet love in her parents’ room. Justin freaks out when she starts reaching for his trousers and asks to go slower, and so she says“We can go as slow as you want” and starts unbuttoning her blouse. She apparently loves the cock. Justin’s a little cry baby and apologises frantically that he can’t and she starts trying to beat him up as she throws him out for not wanting to violate her. I was expecting her to shout “rape” just to make the movie a little more cringe worthy. They go one better. They have her go crazy after he leaves and slam her head on the edge of a sink, and then look at herself in the mirror as blood pisses out of her forehead. Stupid Cliché Slut. After this turn of events, Justin@email goes home and realises he has a porn addiction and that’s that. He’s cured. All he needed was a psycho to offer him intercourse. So he goes through all the apologies needed with all the major characters that he’s pissed off in a big way, and as he’s leaving his ex-girlfriend's house walking home he meets up with Jock Bastard who proceeds to beat the poo poo out of him, because apparently Justin “likes to beat up girls”. Obviously Cliché slut told her boyfriend he gave her that gaping hole in her head. The film ends in a heart-warming moment where Justin@email attempts suicide by drowning himself in a pool; his whole life flashes before his eyes, which is mainly him hugging his ex-girlfriend and swimming with his mother. No porn at all. Porn is not part of your life. I’m sure when I die I’ll see a million vaginas getting pile-driven on a computer monitor. He realises his life is worth living. OTHER SCENES OF NOTE: - Justin shows his little brother pornography, which causes Justin’s brother to not talk at all during dinner but to nonchalantly talk about Grand Theft Auto later on. - Justin’s brother shows his small black friend porn, and his small black friend’s mother finds out. She is not happy with the mother of her son’s small white friend. - Justin’s mother finds a CD labelled “VIRGIN VAGINAS” in a drawer and goes crazy. She says their son will lie to her and claim “VIRGIN VAGINAS” is a new band. He doesn’t. Also, that’s the worst name for porn ever. The little fool should learn that you label your porn discs with bland names like, “Microsoft Word” and “Not porn.” Failing that you get an external hard-drive and fill it with porn and hide it under your bed. - Justin checking porn on his girlfriend’s PDA, his computer, the internet café computer, Jock Bastard’s computer and loading porn onto his memory stick and e-mailing it to himself and hacking the computer system at school so he can look at pornography while there. - Justin drinking many, many energy drinks which puts them in the same class as internet pornography for life corruption in my book. - Justin's mother talks to a friend about how she divorced her husband because of his addiction to internet porn. It’s a TV movie though, so no hard feelings. It’s one of those films you should watch if you want a good laugh and an urge to watch pornography. RATING: 2 PROS: Unintentionally humorous, novelty value of story, strangely watchable CONS: Terrible scaremongering story, repetitive scenes, novelty value of story wears off ADDITIONAL INFORMATION: http://imdb.com/title/tt0457270/
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Mar 30, 2007 22:45
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I saw this movie a while back when it first aired, and I have to say it was an amazing piece of TV cinema. It is a scarily-true-to-life depiction of what you get when you combine A DRAWER FULL OF RED BULL, "porn" (read: not really porn), and an entirely too cloistered and innocent upbringing. The scene of Justin's rebirth through his self-baptism in the pool at the end is particularly touching, as it offers the viewer the hope that maybe this teenage douche will stop doing things like looking at porn on his girlfriend's PDA. Really, though, the porn isn't the main culprit - the true villain is the camwhore who goes to school with him and becomes psycho-attached to her apparently sole viewer and decides to gently caress up his life. Congratulations, Lifetime, you've truly captured the essence of the modern teenager's plight. 5.5/5
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Apr 1, 2007 04:19
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