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 THIS IS SOLDIER GUY ACTION NEWS REPORTING THIS IS AN UGLY PLANET; A BUG PLENAT  Oho whats this  Wheee I am a torso!!  A handsome young rouge approacheth  OH GOSH that was my favorite thigh ... ...  'twas but a glimspe... OF THE FUTURE |
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Jun 6, 2007 04:11
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 Meet Jonathon Rico, our hero, he sucks pretty bad  I GOT ONE ARM AND DON'T TAKE NO GUFF  Jonny is confused probably 80% of the movie  His girlfriend uses her flattened maw to strain krill from the nearby ocean  He is freidns with doogie  Blanche is blind and old yet amazingly still pretty hot |
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Jun 6, 2007 04:22
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Stryder posted:seriously subscribing if you're going to do the whole movie. strap in cochese  Jonny is captan of the limp wristed human being team and he wins evrey game  You can't tell it but this is Diz she sa smokin hot redhead and you get to see her boobs TWICE  Dad I am gong to join the army to b wit Caermen forever!  OH NO the mobil infantry is for suckers you are goiong to harvard at that is final young man  Jonny she is your mother your lustful gaze is inappropriate at best  I know I will woo you with an offer of a trip to Smegma Beach eh eh |
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Jun 6, 2007 04:31
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LATER AT THE BIG DANCE/GRADUATION OR WHATEVER Jonny come dance with me I am basically a creepy stalker but way hotter then youre girlfriend  Carmen says "My father is not home tonight" this means she wants intercourse THE NEXT DAY AT THE ARMY PLACE  We are proimising to be army guys  Carmne is going to be a pilot Doogie is a pychic so he gets to be in intelligence (lol military intelligence sure is a oxymoran) and Jonny is dumb so he signs up for the MOBIL INFANTRY  GOOD FOR YOU THE INFARTRY MADE ME THE MAN I AM TODAY  oh snap he only got like hafl a leg if this is the man he is today jonny sure is in for some trouble, i think this is the point they are makning  Let's make a pact to be bffs or bfs-f depehnding on grammar |
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Jun 6, 2007 04:40
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AND NOW A BREAK FOR THE NEWS umm you may want to rethink this  Our first tru glimspe of the enemey: they are called arachnids or 'bugs' and here is one eatin a cow  mormons tried to settle on a bug planet and got ate, silly mormans (why is the cow censored and not the human corpses I think it is 'social commentary') |
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Jun 6, 2007 04:47
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ARMY TRAINING BEGINS (the movie takes a while to get good so I may skip some boring stuff) Jonny begins training courtesy of the hardest scerew to ever walk a turn at shawshank  A big guy gets his arm broke his name is probably 'moose'  Diz shows up she is now an army guy THE PLOT THICKENS (just kidding there is no plot)  Jonny Rico meet Jonny Bartlett; GOT ME A SCORE OF TWELVE |
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Jun 6, 2007 04:54
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Army training continues Jake Busey mouths off to his sarge and gets a kinfe in the hand for his efforts good job slacker  GRATUITOS CO ED SHOWER SCENE  Diz's boob pt. 1 (she turns around)  Meanwhile Carmen is flying a spaecship and we learn she has a reputation for being "CRAZY" Fun fact: the co-trainee is Amy Smart and you can see her get railed in public in the movie "Crank"  My name is Zander Handsome and I was on the other FUTUREBALL team and I want to gently caress carmen so here I am on a speaceship |
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Jun 6, 2007 05:02
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boobs aren't allowed in byob deal with it Jonny plays future paintball and it is totally sweet  Caermen sends him a letter that say s "i went to jupiter to find something bigger than my lips lol I'm dumpin you"  It's okay man at least your head is not shaped like a can of beef a roni  Jonny tells moose to take off his helmet and moose gets shot RIGHT IN THE loving EYEBALL  jonny takes his licks for his mistaek this is more social comentary but its really ham-fisted compared to the book an thats sayin something  captain the gravitational pull of my hair is threatening hull integrity |
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Jun 6, 2007 05:10
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Carmen dodges a bug meteor (they poop lightning to shoot rocks at earth) and jonny decides to go home from the miltray COME HOME SON OH BOY IT IS GETTING DARK  What is happening? WE ARE GOING TO WAAAAAARRRRRRRRR  Oh no...have we been....whacked!?  the goddamn bugs whacked us johnny  the GODDAMN BUGS wacked US, JOHNNY  TEH GOFAMDNA BUGGS WHACKDE US JONHY! 
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Jun 6, 2007 05:26
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Death Pants posted:quotin to make it avatar size  NEWS BREAK  in the wake of buenos aieres (that is where jonny is form) there is a big mess to clean up  bugs! doogie is movin up in the world  gently caress YOU FISH IM BATMAN  This is army guy news channel reporting live we are going to war TOMORROW i sure hope i don't get brutally cut in half THUS ENDETH PART I, PART II: THE WAR, TO FOLLOW |
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Jun 6, 2007 05:34
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I am tired for now (I just watched this movie and now am watching it again for pictures) so I'm takin a break, let me know if you want me to go on |
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Jun 6, 2007 05:42
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 ONWARDS...TO WAR  First wave assemble T-minus two minutes til all you fuckers are dead  I love you johnny rico here is a thumbs-up   MEAN WHILE IN SPACE  Captain bugs are shooting rear end plasma at us also my hair is back to normal but my lips goddamn  I HOP E THE GODDAMN BUGS DONT WHACK US  ONWADR TO VICOTRY  WE ARE NOT MEN WE ARE DEVO  Good thing we brough t two rockets lets shoot them at guys  gently caress YEAH ROCKET GUYS  OKAY we are out of rockets we only brought two FOLLOW ME TO DEATH  We have discovered their weakness it is bullets!  OH gently caress  Did we bring enough guys |
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Jun 8, 2007 19:54
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Oh poo poo when I posted this update the thread died now there a bunch of replies, sweet, gimme a sec |
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Jun 8, 2007 21:50
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 Standard army fighting guidelines state "the line" is the best military formation  Shizumi says "come get some" he also says "my name is shizumi I guess, who am I you have never seen me before"  Oh no my leg (his only leg the other one has been taken by this bug already this bug is GREEDY)  Is he going to be...WHACKED?!  yes  COMMAND SAYS "YOU GUYS ARE hosed" LETS GET THE gently caress OUTTA HERE I GOT WARRANTS  Camera guy for army guy action news did not know "totally getting killed in the chest" was in his job description but it WAS  We hav ecome full circel |
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Jun 8, 2007 21:59
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NEWS BREAK We may have made perhaps a small error  Sky marshall old guy retires, aunt jemima sworn in as president of the army  This is a talk show segment where they talk about the bugs miltary acumen and they hint at some kind of "brain bug" commanding their movements but really it is about the guy on the left and the rest of this update is about him      
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Jun 8, 2007 22:10
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Aybraus posted:I think you should label his emotions. He only has one emotion it is "reproachful insolence"  In the wake of Klendathu (that is the bug's home planet it was kind of dumb to go there first)  THE END |
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Jun 8, 2007 22:19
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 HAHA HE IS NOT DEAD IT WAS A RUSE, HE WAS MERELY ENTANKED (also he grew a second head out of his chest)  Hello woman-thing, we are here for our new unit (the old one was violently killed)  OH HO WHATS THIS SAM FISHER IS THERE NEW C-O (this means commanding officer) |
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Jun 8, 2007 22:25
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 welcome to da roughneckz  RATCHEK'S ROUGHNECKZ!  Everyone: "Hoooaugh" Okay the new plan is to go to the planets around the big bug planet and kill bugs and try not to get viciously murdered and first planes are going to bomb the gently caress out of them  bombs away bitches  Wow this is really a way better plan  Haha seriously what the gently caress why didn't we do this before  This is a bug eyeball it is gross  this guy hates bug eyeballs because once a bug eyeball killed his dad  Jonathon I espy some insects over yonder I believe it would behoove us to nuke them  We only brought one rocket this time  gently caress YES  A new villian emergeth this one is called a "tanker"  they shoot fire it burns  johnny shoots a hole in its butt and fills it with a grenade  QUICK THINKING JONNY  one for the posters  Jonny is made corporal until he is dead, he makes diz his squad leader on the promise that she show him her boobs PipeRifle fucked around with this message at 22:48 on Jun 8, 2007 |
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Jun 8, 2007 22:44
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Also I skipped the part where Johnny fought Zander sorry Here is a quick summary: Johnny fought Zander and then Johnny got a tattoo |
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Jun 8, 2007 22:52
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Sorry guys I got a friend over I will update more later fun fact: I had a poster for ST2 but have yet to watch it |
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Jun 9, 2007 01:04
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Guys I will get to this later today (I just woke up and it's too early just now) but if you stick with me til the end I will host some  VIDEO clips of Diz's boobs if you're really that curious
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Jun 9, 2007 12:49
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Oh what the heck it's 8 AM but why not The bugs defeated the crew makes camp in the middle of an empty field on a bug planet because they are loving morons and captain ironsisdes says HAVE FUN THAT IS AN ORDER  Jake Busey or "ace" as his character is known was previously shown playing a violin so now he has a techno-violin  Guy who was previously hostile says "HEY RICO YOU KILL BUGS GOOD" and now they are fiernds  Black guy is like "hey you knew the captain when he was a teacher why does he never smile anymore" and Rico delivers the most sensitive line in the movie "I guess your bottle fills up pretty quick when your KIDS GET SMEARED"  Diz says "let's dance jonny" and jonny says "DUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR NO THANKS HOT READHEAD"  excuse me son wtf r u doin go dance w/her  Ace serenades the couple while wearing his most romantic face  The couple retire to their space tent and get space naked (Diz's boobs part 2)  HEY RICO IT'S TIME TO GO FIGHT BUGS IN TEN MINUTES WHOA WHAT THE HECK  tee hee we were engaging in heavy petting  make it twenty minutes lol |
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Jun 9, 2007 14:17
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Dot Communism posted:I like that now I dont have to watch starship troopers because I get the idea this is far better than it ever could be You should still watch it but read along in this thread when you do |
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Jun 9, 2007 14:26
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 The plaec they are going is to an outpost that has a distress beacon which is saying "help help"  whiskey outpost this is radio guy come in I am not will wheaton I repeat I am definitely not wil wheaton  doo de doo I am climbin da mountain  OH MY  they can loving fly now that's bullshit  bulllllshiiiiiiiitt  captain ratchek knows what he muts do  crusher to sick bay  I WOULD EXPECT NE 1 OF U 2 DO DA SAME 4 ME (NOTE THIS IS NOT FORESHADOWING) |
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Jun 10, 2007 10:23
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 whisky outpost is a loving poo poo hole  3 CRANKS  ON THE WOODEN FIST  hello we are here about your distress bacon  "SOMEBODY SURE HUMPED THE BUNK" (<---wtf)  goddamn bugs came right up when they were having chow (my dad gary busey is insane)  Ratchek: "I think this is where they came in" yes good job lieutenant dipshit  Johnny finds a bug that is a small and suspicious bug MEANWHILE IN THE COMMUNICATONS TENT  hey this guys got a big hole in his noggin what the heck  I wonder if he has any brains left  there are no brains in his head I think  his brain is gone i checked  A mysterious sound is coming from the corner lets pull our guns in case a 12 foot, barely-sapient arachnid has locked itself in this cooler  oh my look who it is General Fraidycat  one more guy manhandling the dead guy's melon, general F says bugs got in his head and made him do things and also that his name was Farley  ANNOUNCEMENT: WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE  ANNOUNCEMENT: OW MY FACE  ANNOUNCEMENT: BOO HOO WAHH WAHH  ratchek: chin up sissyfag we aren't going to die ace: I just pooped  Hey guys I believe we are all about to die  COME ON YOU APES DO YUO WANT TO LIVE FOREVEER  i hope not cuz drat PipeRifle fucked around with this message at 11:05 on Jun 10, 2007 |
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Jun 10, 2007 11:01
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Crate! posted:General fradycat is the dude from those VW commercials. No he's not that guy you may remember him from "Things to do in Denver When You're Dead" or "Operation Dumbo Drop" but it's not the funny accent guy who was in armageddon, though they share a certain gauntness of feature |
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Jun 10, 2007 11:30
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 hello we are a million bugs  FIRE AT WILL (but not will wheaton he died already) There's a big long scene of them fighting bugs so I will just try to capture the dumbest faces and comment where necessary  rico squeezes off a few lol    More of dem fukkin flyin bugs  INCOMING BUGS WITH RAZOR WINGS TRY NOT TO GET DECAPITATED  what was that sarge i couldn't hear you  i was getting decapitated  me too (i am a different guy)  our heroes show some common sense for once in the goddamn movie and duck  rico squeezes off a few lol (did i use this one already)  Good job killing that bug johnathing!  oh....oh um  Haha the general is now a general area of red paste  and Ace couldn't be happier! |
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Jun 10, 2007 11:37
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I am sorry guys I was putting this off as long as I could The bugs are uncomfortably close to the base ie they are eatin it  Attention army we are totally hosed please send an unfucking team to this location RADIO: Inside the outpost thats crazy JONNY: then I hope you have a ~*CrAzY PiLoT*~!   more dumbface brigade  There are still like a million billion bugs even though lots of them got killed this why in the book they stand for commies or capitalists or something BOAT IS ON THE WAY, FALL BACK AND DON'T GET STABBED EXCEPT YOU JOHNSON  roger that sir  here come da judge  BUHHHH??!! ZANDER HANDSOME?! oh well let's go  why am I falling down just now  Oh no admiral ratchek has fallen in the sandbox...of defeat  YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO RICO DO IT RICO  Blammo goodbye major ratchek  No time for lolligaggin there's a tanker on da loose  Diz: num num this grenade is delicious  But I guess I can share   WOO HOO I AM DA GREATEST  Diz consider looking behind you maybe  huh why |
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Jun 10, 2007 20:16
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 Diz gets stabbed twice but maybe she'll be okay  Okay 4 times but still  Oh she also gets dragged all over the base  And that fucker breaks off his dam arm in her torso  Johnny the doctor decides pulling it out is probably best  They get diz back on the ship and get steppin because another tanker is here  two random dudes get burnt  gently caress this burgh |
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Jun 10, 2007 20:27
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 Diz is lookin hot she's all like "Johnny I am dying"  Oh no Diz you'll be just fine (I am lying)  It's okay that I'm dyin because I got to have you (like sex)  OH WAIT IT'S NOT OKAY AFTER ALL *dies*  Zander: I think you should know your friend rico is back there Carmen:    Can we nuke the gently caress out of the bug planet please everyone cool died down there also will wheaton  Negative jughead command has plans for P (lol)  MI DOES THE DYING FLEET JUST DOES THE FLYING  Wait the fleet is mobilizing for something big Next time: SOMETHING BIG |
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Jun 10, 2007 21:05
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Deuterium 2.0 posted:Guys I am sure yanking out serrated blade-like objects from wounds is a commonly accepted medical procedure I'm gonna make a gif of him yanking it out and loop it so it looks like he's stabbing her |
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Jun 10, 2007 21:15
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Engine Fortegue posted:yeah i mean you can't just leave that poo poo in there i don't think piercings work when they're that big and through major organs  Edit: AHAHAA THAT'S WAY TOO FAST, AWESOME |
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Jun 10, 2007 21:22
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 The fleet has been mobilized because they like parking in a big cloud so they can all get kiled  There is a funeral for Diz where jonny says some moving words  then her coffin is pooped into space  Doogie shows up and he is a COLONEL now!?  They have a kind of mad discussion but it's all just face shots so here's the gist: Doogie knew that jonny's mission had a low "survival probability" because he is psychic so he is sory it had to be him. But they thought there may be a "brain bug" on P and couldn't afford to go unless they were sure So now they are going back to P (lol) to try to capture the brain bug alive and also Doogie got motherfucking HARDCORE and he makes Jonny the new lieutenant and leader of da roughnexkz! WHOO!  Ah home sweet "place where everyone I liked got killed"  Johnny: Ace they send us a bunch of kids to be in the army this sucks Ace: my hair is a broom  Listen up you guys I only have one rule everyone fights no one quits (editors note those are two rules) if you don't do your job I'll kill you myself (editors note this never happens) WELCOME TO DA ROUGHNECKXZ!  RICO'S ROUGHNECKZ!  awwwwww yeah |
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Jun 10, 2007 21:42
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MEAN WHILE IN SPACE Bugs are shooting butt plasma at the fleet because they know they are there  Oh crap maybe we shouldn't have parked so close together  This is Carment's ship by the way  captain janeway lives through all the explosions only to trip and get crushed by a door what a dumbo  Carmen and Zander get in the escape pod and make it off the ship sadly  ATTENTION SPACE: DURRRRRP |
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Jun 10, 2007 21:59
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 Johnny the roger young (the space ship) has broken up I think carmen probably died sry  Johnny:   Camren "lands" the ship by bouncing it off a mountain  through another mountain  along the ground  And into a rock. Good going flying ace  Attention army we be all in trouble and poo poo  CARMEN IT'S ME JOHNNY HEY HOW YA DOIN WHAT'S YOUR SITUATION Ace:   the situation is we're hosed  Carmen and Zander nut the hell up for once  Johnny: we have to go rescue them! Ace: i peed my pants  Meanwhile, at Zander's leg: stabbing  Carmen also gets stabbed but lucky for her it's in her shoulder where all her blood lives  Ace:  Johnny:   YOU HEARD DA COMMANDER RESCUE PARTY TIME   No she is already dead of this I am 100% sure |
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Jun 10, 2007 22:16
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 Ow my shoulder! (she is still alive look at that)  Oh crap so is Zander  A bunch of those little bugs show up...but why  Elsewhere johnny has a weird feeling adns says "we should got his way carmen is over here"  Ace: "Not to be rude buddy but word has it she's dead" haha real tactful cupcake Johnny: who cares let's roll come with me ace and black guy  bugs:  it's da brain bug Eeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwww  Here take my knife so y'all can cut a bitch  OUR HERO (I lightened this one cuz the cave scene is really dark and my screenshots are darker too for some reasona nd I want you to see how awesome this thing is)  Suggested dis for this scene: "hey you never told me your momma was on TV"  Brain bug has a spike in its vagina mouth have you put two and two together yet?!  When I think brains I think Zander, good choice brain bug  Face scientists from around the world were consulted about what face you would make if your brains were getting sucked out, witness their conclusion  Carmen is pretty sure she don't want her brains sucked out because she'd hate for the bug to go hungry lol    The brain bug and Carmen realize they have a lot in common when it starts vigorously yowling and spraying fluids everywhere  Johnny comes around ac orner with a bomb and all the bugs stop...but why  Johnny: "you know what this is don't you PCHEWWW" (he makes an explosion sound)  BECAUSE YOU'RE SOME KIND OF BIG FAT SMART BUG <---one of the best lines in the movie  Brain bug: I'm outta here I got warrants  BRAIN BUG SIGHTED MOVING WEST AND IT'S TOTALLY GROSS Bonus: Brain sucking scene on Youtube but it's not mine and it's kinda lovely quality |
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Jun 10, 2007 22:38
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 The brain bug is gone so the regular day-labor bugs mount a counterattack  This is ace's serious face  lance-constable blackie takes one for the team  He asks to be left there with the nuke so he can kill bugs and bring honor to his family  while the other three gtfo he lays there shooting and screaming "you like that?!" over and over and it's a really uncomfortable scene  The way to escape a nuclear bomb: running  The emerge into the rave scene from matrix reloaded  Oh look it seems they have captured the brain bug using the most modern warfare technique of hitting it and tying it up  Ace has finally decided to kick back and just make a stupid face, consequences be damned  Doogie pulls some vulcan mind meld poo poo with the giant bug so I guess he is really a good psychic  don't I get one phone call  Doogie: "IT'S AFRAID" (now you know, you may have seen someone post a picture of a gross naked vagina and somone will say "it's afraid" and everyone else wil say "lol" this is what it's from)  THE ARMY: A CELEBRATION OF FEAR Doogie it was you wasn't it that told me how to find carmen (I told everyone it was because I could smell her period like a bear that's how I found her)  Well that's clasified  WINK It turns out the guy who captured the bug was their drill instructor, who was told earlier (I realize I skipped some relevant plot points) that if he wanted to see combat he'd have to bust himself down to private  GOOD JOB SARGANT  THAT WOULD BE PRIVATE, SIR (see now it all makes sense) |
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Jun 10, 2007 23:05
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ENDING NEWS BREAKDOWN! The brain bug has been captured and scientsts are probign the gently caress out of it in search of knowledge  literally  WE HAVE THE SHIPS  WE HAVE THE WEAPONS (wtf where was the nuke gun before?!)  WE NEED SOLDIERS (to die)  Soldiers like CAPTAIN Carmen Ibanez (she is a captain now and Amy Smart is her lieutenant: reminder, check out Amy Smart just getting railed in front of a bunch of japanese tourists in "Crank")  Soldiers like Lieutenant Johnny Rico (COME ON YOU APES YOU WANNA LIVE FOREVER?!)   fin |
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Jun 10, 2007 23:15
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Seriously guys thank you so much for sticking with me Check out YouTube for a lot of the greater clips and be sure to rent the movie if this thread tickled your fancy I found out it's way harder to clip video than I thought so here are some montages you may enjoy DIZ'S BOOBS 1 DIZ'S BOOBS 2 DIZ'S BOOBS 3 DIZ'S BOOBS 4 (Some of these are the same scene just different shots, they're what I could dig up pre-made because the quality is better in some of them.) |
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Jun 10, 2007 23:21
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| # ¿ Apr 19, 2024 20:40 |
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Spaceman Bill posted:an epic thread You were the wind beneath my wings |
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Jun 10, 2007 23:24
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