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 VIDEO OF THE FINAL BATTLE NOW UPhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTScOwUXonc CLICK HERE TO SEE JUST THE FIGHT PICTURES AND TEXT: http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=2820029&userid=37541  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ZOOFIGHTS IS A THREAD ABOUT ANIMALS FIGHTING IN A NIGHTMARE WORLD CLICK HERE IF YOU ARE NEW http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=2820029&userid=37541 TO ONLY SEE THE FIGHTS AND GET UP TO SPEED WITH THE TOURNAMENT  Here's the old threads: Zoofights 1: http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1542862 (available for download at http://rapidshare.com/files/1093631...ghts_1.rar.html ) Zoofights 2 part 1: http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=1919113 Zoofights 2 part 2: http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=1927389 Zoofights 2 part 3: http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=1938047 Zoofights 2 the end: http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=1945611 ROUND TWO SO FAR: Steamcrab VS Drillbjorn ----> STEAMCRAB ZOOFIGHTS EPISODE THREE: ZOOFIGHTS BEGINS  “And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.” – Genesis 1:26-27 The year is 1870, and man has a whole load of dominion over the earth. The continents are tied together with steel telegraph cables, Railways are carving themselves through every jungle, and a whole lot of awesome poo poo like steam hammers, fancy hats, manifest destiny and the theory of natural selection is kicking off all over the place. Gorillas become rugs. 50 million bison become jerky. 100 foot long whales are hauled out of the sea like turds and rendered into the oil that makes the teeming, filthy cities visible from space. Man has totally owned Beast, and the food chain is just a big piece of loving chain that a guy with a monocle uses to beat the poo poo out of elephants. I’m wearing my monocle, so let the beatings begin.  It's been two years since the last thread, and I've had a few people ask me if I was ever going to do another one of these, and so here it is. (This is a good point to go and get some smelling salts for your wife, and a stiff whiskey for yourself. We’re not going anywhere, and first fight draw is incoming fast. I’ve got a stack of drawings, a pot of coffee and a head full of stupid.) NB To a Mod: if we could get some old timey rinky dink piano midi music embedded in this thread I think we would be off to a good start. Major Failure fucked around with this message at 13:54 on May 24, 2008 |
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Apr 8, 2008 22:00
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 Deep in the bowels of Victorian London, in an underground brick-vaulted arena choked by cigar smoke and the stench of money, whiskey and old moustaches, the financial, political and scientific overlords of the West are gathered to witness the first of fourteen nights of exquisite, state of the art zoological shitkicking. Presiding over the carnage is inept ex-officer of the union Major Failure – a crooked civil war Captain who, having absconded with a boxcar full of confederate gold, added a rank to his name for the fun of it, and set himself up with an abandoned army hospital and a square mile of sewers across the Atlantic in London. Hiring a small army of animal collectors, mercenaries, ethically bankrupt surgeons, and drunken and embittered zoologists, he now arranges pit fights between mechanically “enhanced” animals for the elite of the world to place ridiculously large wagers upon. And you all get to watch and decide what happens. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the first ever symposium of the Zoofights society. Over the next two weeks you will witness the blood and grandeur of natural aggression and human engineering at its finest as sixteen biomechanical wonders from all corners of the globe battle it out for the title of KING OF BEASTS. We’ll be holding a battle in the arena every night – the next eight days will see all 16 competitors squared up and pitted against each other to leave us with 8 winners to enter round two. Winners get fixed, and losers go to the incinerator. It’s old school, knock-out, steel on flesh Zoofights, and I promise it won’t collapse into a heaving mass of roleplaying, weird nanobot combat and psychotropic drug binges like last time. This time round, you’ll be treated to artistic renderings of all the combatants by our state-of-the-art pneumatic robot cartoonist, H0g4rtH. We’ll come to those in a minute... Meanwhile at ringside, the two hardest men of the nineteenth century, Bill “the butcher” Cutting and Al Swearengen will be offering their opinions of the contestants and their chances, as well as supplying expletive-peppered, blow by blow commentary on the fights themselves.   You’re in good hands. After each fight is announced, you’ll have twenty four hours to register your prediction of the outcome. Based on your votes I will post the results of the fight in various forms for your amusement. So settle down, gather your popcorn, and roll up your sleeves. It’s going to get pretty hosed up from here on in. I’ll update this first post with links to all new matchups, fight results, and pictures as they happen. In a few minutes we'll be switching over to live recording from our man in the bookie's office, Jack the Ripper (channelled by Robotic T-rex), who will be introducing our Brutes for you to pit against each other. ROBOTIC T_REX WILL GIVE YOU YOUR VOTING INSTRUCTIONS IN 15 MINUTES
Major Failure fucked around with this message at 00:58 on Apr 9, 2008 |
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Apr 8, 2008 22:31
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dog kisser posted:Woo, finally. No active audience participation, this time, dammit. That killed the last thread dead. Agreed, dead right. It's going to be a good old fashioned bash 'em up this year. Mr. Bad Guy posted:What the hell is that a pile of? Bison skulls, in Dakota. good to have you back, man.
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Apr 8, 2008 22:40
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What the gently caress is all this commotion about a loving train? Jesus Christ, you hoopleheaded cocksuckers, take heed of some of the other loving monstrosities on display - believe me, you'll be wishing they were as gentle as a goddamn train.
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Apr 8, 2008 23:05
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 Sorry I'm late, boys. A very good evening to you Mr Swearengen, Mr Ripper, and all you good citizens. It's come to my attention that there's a certain degree of excitement about sharks and trains and all kind of unamerican nonsense going around. Now listen here; whereas I commend you all in your identification of potential champions, let's not ignore some of the more indistinct animals. I'll tell you this much - they all loving stink and I'll be glad to see the back of them, but I especially will not miss numbers 5 and 7. Just plain foul, number 5, and I wouldn't turn my back on 7 for a second. Major Failure fucked around with this message at 23:26 on Apr 8, 2008 |
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Apr 8, 2008 23:17
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Goreld posted:I'm gonna go for the number 12 underdog here, as it appears to be some sort of parasitic mite with an overdeveloped brain.  ....
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Apr 8, 2008 23:45
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Cirrus_Alreia posted:Your attempts at misleading us are amusing, old chap. Please, put my money down on number 13.  You think I'm joking, cocksucker?
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Apr 9, 2008 00:07
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Ladies and gentlemen, voting ends in one hour. Since you all seem keen on him by a fair majority, I'm gonna tell the boys to get number 3 loaded up behind the arena doors. So that's a moot point. Who he faces is still up to you, so go ahead and choose!
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Apr 9, 2008 00:57
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Voting closed! 5 minutes please...
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Apr 9, 2008 01:55
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The Ripper has collected in the votes, and the refrigerated crates containing our gladiators have been winched down to the arena floor on rusty cranes. It’s time to set them loose. Tonight’s arena will be a recreation of the bleak Siberian Pacific coast, the most apt place of battle for our contestants. Snow and ice brought by train from Wales, and cold grey shingle will surely make these arctic giants feel at home. Let’s meet them.  Round one, fight one: Siberian Struggle  Weighing in at four tons and with six metres between its outstretched clawtips, The Crustacean Sensation from Yokohama Japan... STEEEEAMCRAAAAB To celebrate their rapid industrialisation and adoption of civilised culture, the Japanese government has sent this genteel ambassador for the tournament. A colossal spider crab trawled up from abyssal depths off Kamchatka and reinforced with steel and hydraulic joints, steamcrab moves slowly but inevitably on land. Striding elegantly in his rocklike armour, billowing exhaust from the reactor built into his carapace, steamcrab is a wonder to behold. He is also an impeccable gentleman, being possessed of a fancy hat, a bow tie and a dashing brass combat monocle. Even though he also has an iron shearing claw and a grille spewing scalding steam at ground level, he will murder his opponents with honour and civility. Top Trumps Scores: Size: 18ft across, with a 6ft diameter body core. 4 tons in weight, mostly in armour. Attack: 9/10 – a powered iron shearing claw and scalding steam exhaust. Defence: 9/10 – steel-reinforced calcite armour, and plenty of boiler plating. Resilience: 5/10 – this fellow barely registers pain, although is susceptible to leg loss Evil: 1/10 – while awesome, this gent has little malice to him, and is thus easily fooled. Rage: 1/10 – a major flaw of steamcrab is his inability to work up a good battle fury. Likes: Buckets of rotting seaweed, Western Sophistication, fish heads, coal and chess Dislikes: Enemies of the Japanese Empire, dishonour, rust. VS  Weighing in at ten tons and fifteen feet high at the shoulder, The Mummified Monster of the Mad Monk... REEEEEEANIMAMMUT Believed to be a pet project of the notorious Russian cleric Rasputin, this unloveable hulk died twenty thousand years ago and was frozen in a snowdrift. Now with the aid of unspeakable black sorcery and a few hundred gallons of formaldehyde, the sinister sorcerer has brought it back to all three and a bit of its remaining feet. Shambling along in a comet trail of flies, gnats and corpse beetles, this beast barely knows how to walk – but it hasn’t forgotten how to kill. It has no infectious zombie powers, but it makes up for that in sheer presence and mass. Top Trumps Scores: Size: 15ft high, weighing ten tons. Attack: 8/10 – Devastating amounts of brute force and inertia behind smashing legs and tusks. Defence: 4/10 – Saturated hair and worm-chewed dead flesh, with a few metal plates. Resilience: 10/10 – Reanimut will fight until it is no longer joined together. Evil: 8/10 – Given life but no soul by Rasputin’s black magic, this beast has a black heart. Rage: 4/10 – Foul tempered but hopelessly addled, this blundering behemoth has not the presence of mind for real anger. Likes: Trying to remember the ice age, trampling, vodka. Dislikes: having its brain chewed by birds. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's ON. You have 18 hours from now to decide on the winner of this fight. In 18 hours I will post pictures of the battle, along with a fight report - all based on your voting and arguments. Then we will draw for round two. I won't be counting votes that don't come with at least a sentence of justification or argument against someone else. (I like to have something to read in these threads too!). So get arguing about it. Al and Bill Cutter will be chiming in from time to time with ringside info, and a few other pundits may make an appearance. Diagrams, graphs and poetry all very much welcome.
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Apr 9, 2008 02:04
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Mr. Bad Guy posted:Poetry, you say? Bravo
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Apr 9, 2008 02:14
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 Well Bill, seems all these high falutin' cocksuckers are throwing in with the crab. I suppose with that hat of yours you'll be doing the same.  I like his hat, Al, but I don't like his style. Sure the boy's all metal and knives, but where's his moxy? I'm sure you've been in as many knife fights as I have and you'll know well that a knife you don't know how to use is a weapon for your opponent. The mammoth is a monster, and I honestly don't know if that crab is going to have the determination and stamina to stop itself getting battered to bits. It's a loving giant crab against some meat, Bill. What the gently caress do you expect to happen? I'm a butcher by trade, Al. And I know all about meat. It's powerful stuff. Reanimammut ways ten tons, man. That amount of bone and gristle hitting anything will wreck it. The crab simply can't get enough damage in in time.
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Apr 9, 2008 09:40
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Goreld posted:
Bravo man, that was worth five votes, and as such I'll chalk them up for the underdog. I make these threads for poo poo like this. Looks like the crab contingent need to make some strong arguments of their own...
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Apr 9, 2008 10:07
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arena gates open in two hours
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Apr 9, 2008 17:42
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hour of power. Pictures up starting in 60 mins...
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Apr 9, 2008 19:03
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by the way, if anyone fancies doing banner ad designs for this, I'll make them a zoofights style avatar.
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Apr 9, 2008 19:19
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voating closed
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Apr 9, 2008 20:00
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BATTLE STARTED Steam from the Crustacean's herbal tea rolls and blends with his engine exhaust in the icy stillness of the arena, as a thousand gentlemen watch on with their breath held. Everyone has their eyes on the immense figure lumbering out from beneath a raised portcullis at the arena wall - everyone but steamcrab. As the wheezing behemoth creeps towards him like a motile hill through billowing steam, he concentrates on the fine porcelain cup held between his pincers and calms himself. His enemy's attack is inevitable, and must be met in a dignified fashion. The mammoth picks up speed, shedding clumps of rotten fur and mouldy bone splinters with each lopsided lurch forwards. Soon, the floor is shaking...
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Apr 9, 2008 20:09
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 The charge builds, and with just thirty painful yards left to close, steamcrab puts down his cup and turns to embrace his foe with pneumatic claws spread as wide as three men standing. The wall of stinking, soggy fur and prehistoric gristle hits the stalwart cyborg, and everything is obscured in a titanic burst of vapour as he vents superheated gas to cope with the impact. Ice sublimes into hot steam and even the audience is doused in swirling mist, making it impossible to tell who has survived the collision...
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Apr 9, 2008 20:26
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 At last the fog rises, and presents a grim scene. Reanimammut stands at the head of a bloody furrow carved in the snow the trailing of his smashed leg, gently steaming. Age-brittled limbs are definitely buckled by the impact, but there is no fighting left to be done. All that remains of steamcrab is a salmon-coloured stain in the snow and a few shattered leg pieces. Reanimammut glugs a few gallons of vodka from the tank attached to his liver and sinks down to hibernate on the spot of his victory...
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Apr 9, 2008 20:43
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 - This shouldn't be happening....
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Apr 9, 2008 20:49
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 But hold on, what's this? Something isn't right....
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Apr 9, 2008 20:50
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Squidactyl posted:STEAMCRAB! STEAMCRAB! STEAMCRAB! CALL FOR YOUR CHAMPION HAVE FAITH
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Apr 9, 2008 20:54
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 - Jesus Christ STEEEEEEEEAAAAAAMCRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABSTEAMCRAB WINS! FOUR LEGS DOWN BUT SIX LEFT! ROUND TWO COCKSUCKERS!!!!!!!
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Apr 9, 2008 20:58
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ok, draws for the next brackets occuring in approx 1 hour, second fight to be announced sometime after midnight GMT.
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Apr 9, 2008 21:05
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Woland posted:Stepping outside of roleplaying for a second, this is a hell of a thread, and you are amazing. Cheers mang  It's all my drawing, and t-rex is doing some trims in photoshop, plus all the Ripper stuff (he should be about in a little bit). I'm having a hell of a time!
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Apr 9, 2008 21:10
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SABOTAGE  Our head of security, gorillesis, has had to seal off storage bay 10 due to a breach of security and an act of sabotage on contestant number ten. Vital mechanisms were stolen, leaving the largely mechanical competitor temporarily unable to fight. 10 is off the menu til we can get to the bottom of this, guys.
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Apr 9, 2008 22:31
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Woland posted:#14 clearly. woland, keep doing this sort of thing. I really like it
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Apr 9, 2008 22:37
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Spoonsy posted:Changing my vote to 5 instead of 10 boys. Hey, want to buy a mammoth corpse for fifty bucks?
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Apr 9, 2008 22:54
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Spoonsy posted:Forty bucks and it's a deal. *spits in hand* done. p.s - I don't want anyone to think this is going to become a sort of RPG like last time. Anyone posting "in character" is just doing it to add to the atmosphere of the thread, which is good fun. But mainly this thread is about mass participation. I'd love this to end with a shitload of media made by a ton of different people, so if you have any art or writing skills please feel free to throw whatever you have at the thread. Major Failure fucked around with this message at 23:07 on Apr 9, 2008 |
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Apr 9, 2008 23:03
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Filthy Assistant posted:Sir, I'll pay 100 and a herd of fine cattle for it. I have uses for it, which I may not go into as of this moment, but the fruits of the labor shall be shown shortly. split it with spoonsy - it's his carcass now, but I'm sure he'll let you tinker with it.
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Apr 9, 2008 23:10
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half an hour of voting remains. 14 is in, so it's now a dead heat between 5, 9, 7 and 13 only vote for these numbers now, folks.
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Apr 9, 2008 23:36
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LADoMAN posted:The glorious moment where SteamCrab cracked down on the Ruski innards was captured for all time and put on display to serve as a reminder of the nippo strength, go crab go! totally awesome.
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Apr 9, 2008 23:43
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Round one, fight two: The Ale of the Brutes Weighing in at three tons and standing thirteen feet high, The Murderous Marine Mammal from the Malarial Marshes of Manaus... OHHHHHH THE HUUUUUUUGE MANATEEEEEEEEEE Not many people know about the British Government's space war with the chinese over opium grown on the moon late in the 1860s, but this embittered veteran will never forget. The Huge Manatee is the only surviving member of a litter of twelve manatee pups grown in a secret installation on the Amazon river and trained for combat in space. Fed steak rather than seagrass and taught to smoke cigars inside an astronaut helmet, this guy has left behind everything that is cosy and pleasant about being a manatee. In an armoured space suit conveyed on two stout piston legs, and armed with a three-shot lead harpoon gun as well as a wrist-mounted chainsaw, Manatee will fight any opponent like he fought the Celestials in Tycho Crater back in '68. Top Trumps Scores: Size: 15ft tall, three tons in bulk. Attack: 7/10 – superdense high-velocity lead harpoons and a diamond-tipped chainsaw Defence: 7/10 – maneuvrable, lead lined and steel-articulated spacesuit with bulletproof glass dome. Speed: 6/10 - not exactly fast, but a lot faster than you'd expect for a manatee. Resilience: 7/10 – layers of blubber and a hardass vet's attitude make this guy shrug off major wounds. Evil: 5/10 – Amoral and jaded? yes. Evil? No. He was just following orders back at Tycho. Rage: 4/10 – He stopped caring about anything a long time ago. Likes: Harpoon oil, cigars, the amniotic embrace of swamp water Dislikes: Remembering the war, the Chinese, and Vacuum. VS  Weighing in at 1.5 tons each, and ten feet high, The Blundering Brutes from Brunei... TAAAAAPOGRES! Dudes do not come cruder. These fellows really are loathsome. I don't know who thought it would be a good idea to inject Malayan Tapir cells into those Ogre eggs we had lying around in the archive, but I hope they're happy now. Our three tapogres do nothing but drink, smoke, and bellow mindlessly like cretins in between belching and honking poorly formed cuss words. They stink, they're hideously aggressive, and they'll look you right in the eye while making GBS threads on your desk. Retarded yet hugely brutal and possessed of monstrous strength, these three sorry brothers will nonchalantly risk everything in order to spoil other people's lives. Top Trumps Scores: Size: 10ft high and a ton and a half each. Attack: 6/10 – Massive ogre clubs and huge arms. Defence: 5/10 – Thick tapir hide and muscles like sandbags. Adept at blocking with clubs. Resilience: 7/10 – A tapir's doggedness, an ogre's constitution. Plus there's three of them. Speed: 8/10 - fast on their hamlike feet, and good jumpers. Evil: 5/10 – They're just a bunch of wankers, really. Rage: 8/10 – Lazily furious at everything, especially when liquored up. Likes: Bruting stuff, doing massive liquid farts, shouting their own name Dislikes: reason
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Apr 9, 2008 23:58
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Lost Downtown posted:By the by, will there be a loser's second-chance bracket in this tournament as well? That's where the severely twisted "improvements" and combinations (even by Zoofights standards) seem to get made. there sure will be - it'll run parallel to round two once we've got 8 losers
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Apr 10, 2008 00:02
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Oh I see you've all thrown in with the loving sea cow on this one, you no good, bought-out cocksuckers. Those tapir boys can drink the manatee under the table and he knows it - which is relevant, since every one of those fuckers is going to enter the ring drunk as a loving sailor. Jesus loving wept people, let's have a little devil's advocate here, ah?
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Apr 10, 2008 00:24
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gently caress it, we're cloning the tapogres. there's now six of the bastards.
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Apr 10, 2008 00:52
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Mr. Bad Guy posted:I'd like to hear what Mr. Cutting has to say. And for that matter, are any of the contestants particularly American? I can't wait to get the Butcher on a patriotic rant about how every other nationality is inferior and contributing to the stagnation of ZOOFIGHTS. There is indeed an American in this tournament, but I'll keep quiet about him for now. This Manatee fellow is a warrior though, even if a British warrior - I can see it in his one eye. He's seen the worst there is, and whatever Swerengen says, no number of tapirs can measure up to that. come on you defeatists, don't abandon your hero just because the odds are against him. Show some backbone. Voting ends in 18 hours.
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Apr 10, 2008 01:09
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Aidsteen posted:A spacesuit can take a beating from space rocks, it can take the worst some ogre's got. I really want a t shirt that says that
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Apr 10, 2008 01:36
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Captain Corduroy posted:YOU CAN'T FIGHT MANATEE HALL, YOU JACKANAPES  good
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Apr 10, 2008 02:05
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