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Hello friends! I baked cookies today. I prefer chocolate chip cookies that are a little on the crispy side, almost like sweet crackers as opposed to chewy or doughy cookies. You can accomplish this by cutting some of the sugar out of the recipe and replacing it with 2 tablespoons of corn syrup. I decided to make cookies because one of my friends was feeling really down after a bad day at work, not that you closeted torture fetishists would know what it's like to have friends, let alone what it's like to feel the touch of a woman. But I also baked cookies for you. When you're doing baking of any kind, getting the recipe order correct is important. Even with a simple recipe like cookies, you need to pay attention to what comes first and how it is done. It's a good habit to follow the directions by the letter until you get a feel for what can be cut or changed. This habit will serve you well when you begin working with more complicated recipes. You're all filth. Yes, that's right. Every last one of you is filth. In this case, you have to melt the butter first so it can cool before you add in the chocolate chips. Otherwise they melt into the cookie dough.  Next you mix up the dry and the wet ingredients separately, you miserable bigoted cowards. You want to be able to sift the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients to ensure even distribution, otherwise you would spew racist and hate-filled bullshit from behind a disingenuous facade of realism and rationality as if torturing fifteen year olds and imprisoning them without charge for years was truly in our long-term national best interest.  I despise you. That's why I prefer to use dark brown sugar with a high molasses content, even though the recipe calls for light brown sugar. I think it gives the cookies a nice molasses-y flavor  you self-centered, hate-filled children. Here's the cookies being scooped out onto the sheet just before they head into the oven. I really like Anolon jelly-roll baking sheets because they seem to heat evenly and the high sides make them useful for a lot of baking tasks, but none of you would know that because you feed like animals from a trough of violent sensationalist news and glory in the abuse of fundamental human rights. You discuss the semantics of what it means to truly torture a person as if you had the faintest inkling of what it means to suffer. Mercy is foreign to you. You are ignorant savages so far removed from principles of human decency that if you were suddenly thrust into the resurrected presence of the framers of the Constitution, they would immediately begin spewing blood from every orifice and their souls would yearn for the grave.   Now the cookies go into the oven. You know they're getting done when they begin to flatten out and crisp up around the edges. You causally wish death on children. You have no concept of justice other than that of the sword, and it fails to penetrate your stunted consciousnesses that it is possible to recognize and preserve the humanity of a criminal while not condoning their actions. It escapes you that we should strive to be better than those we publicly condemn. I have no idea which of you is trolling. I'm not sure I care. The fact that there is casual acceptance anywhere of practices pioneered by the inquisition is a spew of vomit across the honor and dignity of this nation. You praise the casting down of habeas corpus and due process like fanatics cheering the destruction of a false idol. To those of you who look at the case of Omar Khadr and see righteousness in his indefinite imprisonment, or who respond with a world-weary shrug of the shoulders, I say this: I regret your existence.  And they're done! I like to make my cookies spell out messages.   And that's a batch of cookies. Please join me next week when I bake a tart tartine depicting your mother getting gang-raped by a platoon of Russian paratroopers.
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Jul 16, 2008 03:35
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| # ? Apr 26, 2024 21:15 |
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this is the most elaborate troll I've ever seen. edit: this is also the most delicious troll I've ever seen.
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Jul 16, 2008 03:37
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Your k looks stupid
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Jul 16, 2008 03:37
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Needs more freedom.
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Jul 16, 2008 03:37
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You need to work on your cookiemanship.
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Jul 16, 2008 03:38
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This thread... it tastes like freedom.
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Jul 16, 2008 03:39
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GvB posted:And that's a batch of cookies. Please join me next week when I bake a tart tartine depicting your mother getting gang-raped by a platoon of Russian paratroopers. Please dear god follow up on this.
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Jul 16, 2008 03:39
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Use parchment paper, it's even better than your fancy sheet and a lot cheaper
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Jul 16, 2008 03:41
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The Cursed Seeker posted:Please dear god follow up on this. Ill vote 5 if he does it.
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Jul 16, 2008 03:41
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This explains why ANZAC biscuits make me hate black people.
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Jul 16, 2008 03:42
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GvB posted:
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Jul 16, 2008 03:43
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Oh god, this gets me so hard  
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Jul 16, 2008 03:43
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We have a food forum, JERK.
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Jul 16, 2008 03:44
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I'm making these this weekend
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Jul 16, 2008 03:45
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In return for your cookies here is some merchandise straight from Gitmo  Guantanamo Bay: It don't "Gitmo" better than this! 
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Jul 16, 2008 03:46
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This thread and GvB are both delicious and wonderful.
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Jul 16, 2008 03:48
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I am not a fan of sweets but I would buy a cook book with these instructions.
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Jul 16, 2008 03:49
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This is the greatest thread in the world. "You rated this thread a '5'! Good job, go hog wild!"
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Jul 16, 2008 03:50
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unprofessional posted:We have a food forum, JERK. seriously, can we start waterboarding instead of probating. I'm tired of pussy footing around.
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Jul 16, 2008 03:51
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OP I.. I think I love you
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Jul 16, 2008 03:52
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So was your friend just standing there, watching you bake cookies in order to post an awesome thread on the internet?
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Jul 16, 2008 03:53
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Funny enough. Wouldn't recommend to friends but would talk about it if they found it. 'You rated this thread '3'! Great job, go hog wild!'
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Jul 16, 2008 03:54
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JUG OF LUBE
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Jul 16, 2008 03:54
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easily the best political thread in GBS for years.
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Jul 16, 2008 03:54
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Did you use some industrial lube so your cookies wouldn't stick to the pan?
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Jul 16, 2008 03:54
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glock30 posted:cookiemanship This word makes the thread worth it.
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Jul 16, 2008 03:55
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Huh. So on the one hand, you're saying torture is not yummy. On the other hand, who else do we know who loved to put things in ovens? That's right. The witch in the gingerbread house.
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Jul 16, 2008 03:55
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GIT' MO COOKIES
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Jul 16, 2008 03:58
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Saint Sputnik posted:The witch in the gingerbread house. Freedombread house. And those kids were way loving out of line. Anyone who eats your house and attempts to push you into an oven deserves to be classified as an enemy combatant and treated as such.
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Jul 16, 2008 03:59
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Mr. Clark2 posted:JUG OF LUBE Oh he's the "For animal use only" guy, I forgot about that.
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Jul 16, 2008 04:02
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evilsake posted:In return for your cookies here is some merchandise straight from Gitmo This man is a true American hero.
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Jul 16, 2008 04:06
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GvB owns, haters vacate~
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Jul 16, 2008 04:10
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Troll house cookies.
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Jul 16, 2008 04:15
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So would you bake every single 15 year old murderer cookies because it's so not fair that they killed someone and get punished for it? Or just the ones that kill American soldiers because hey, gently caress Americans. Woot.
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Jul 16, 2008 04:15
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This is loving brilliant.
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Jul 16, 2008 04:16
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This is the greatest thread.
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Jul 16, 2008 04:18
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If Gitmo apologists get cookies, imagine what kind of awesome sweet treat Al Qaeda or Taliban members get! Gitmo fans: troll house cookies Arab Head cutter-offer: white wedding cake (the most awesome cake God created!)
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Jul 16, 2008 04:23
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RobTG posted:So would you bake every single 15 year old murderer cookies because it's so not fair that they killed someone and get punished for it? Or just the ones that kill American soldiers because hey, gently caress Americans. Woot. Dude, the cookies are for you. Smile and say thanks. You don't want to come off as someone with bad manners do you?
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Jul 16, 2008 04:24
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RobTG posted:hey, gently caress Americans. Woot. woot
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Jul 16, 2008 04:24
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RobTG posted:So would you bake every single 15 year old murderer cookies because it's so not fair that they killed someone and get punished for it? Or just the ones that kill American soldiers because hey, gently caress Americans. Woot. No, he is also a proficient baker of pies and cakes. And yes, gently caress Americans.
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Jul 16, 2008 04:26
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