Register a SA Forums Account here!
JOINING THE SA FORUMS WILL REMOVE THIS BIG AD, THE ANNOYING UNDERLINED ADS, AND STUPID INTERSTITIAL ADS!!!

You can: log in, read the tech support FAQ, or request your lost password. This dumb message (and those ads) will appear on every screen until you register! Get rid of this crap by registering your own SA Forums Account and joining roughly 150,000 Goons, for the one-time price of $9.95! We charge money because it costs us money per month for bills, and since we don't believe in showing ads to our users, we try to make the money back through forum registrations.
Herman Brood
Jan 30, 2006

Snorkzilla posted:

There's nothing quite like the feeling of rooting around in the cabinet above your refrigerator and having your Mom's dildo roll out at you. Especially when it is glistening with lube and covered with hairs. I guess the only thing that could be worse is if I had found out later that it was my Dad's. Ahhh memories.
When I was in elementary school I somehow managed to find my mom's vibrator in some drawer or such. Of course, I promptly took it with me to school to show it off during recess. Memories indeed.

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Toothy
Jan 30, 2006

There's treasure everywhere!

Snorkzilla posted:

There's nothing quite like the feeling of rooting around in the cabinet above your refrigerator and having your Mom's dildo roll out at you. Especially when it is glistening with lube and covered with hairs. I guess the only thing that could be worse is if I had found out later that it was my Dad's. Ahhh memories.

This..... made me cringe. And I'm desensitized to the Internet! :barf:

sexy olorin
Apr 14, 2008

Workin' the corners of Azeroth.

Snorkzilla posted:

There's nothing quite like the feeling of rooting around in the cabinet above your refrigerator and having your Mom's dildo roll out at you. Especially when it is glistening with lube and covered with hairs. I guess the only thing that could be worse is if I had found out later that it was my Dad's. Ahhh memories.


Along the same line, my ex boyfriend who lived with me, forgot to put his toy away after using/cleaning it, my son found what looked like a futuristic green train and had put it behind his Thomas The Tank Engine trains, which I found him playing with when I went to check on him while making dinner. Was pretty embarassing but semi funny.

Sly Pistachio
Mar 20, 2008
That is the most disgusting fleshlight I have ever seen.

Why is it... red ?

Is it the "special time of the month" model?

Nelson Mandela
Jun 4, 2007

SO SHINY
SO CHROME
Probably. Latex is easier to arouse and bring to orgasm around that time.

TommyFilth
Aug 25, 2000

by Ozma

sexy olorin posted:

Along the same line, my ex boyfriend who lived with me, forgot to put his toy away after using/cleaning it, my son found what looked like a futuristic green train and had put it behind his Thomas The Tank Engine trains, which I found him playing with when I went to check on him while making dinner. Was pretty embarassing but semi funny.

I used to work at a grocery store, when I was 17, and this woman would come through my line three times a week with her kid, and she would talk to him in this sickly-sweet condescending kind of voice. It was absolutely hideous, like dragging a thumbtack across the scrotum of your soul, and it brought out murderous feelings in me.

And she called me Thomas. Because that's what my name badge said. I told her, "I like being called Tom." And she laughed and turned to her son, saying something like, "But we remember you better as Thomas because we like Thomas the Train Engine!" My skin became ashen, and one of my coworkers said something about me not looking so good, but it was too echo-y for me to know who said it, and then I was laying on the floor fifteen feet away and there's blood all over my hands and my shirt.

I don't wanna talk about this anymore.

Grandpas a Racist
Mar 26, 2007

by T. Finninho
there there thomas.

close this thread and send these blue-balled goons home you fake-posting cocktease bastard.

hellbastard
Apr 4, 2006

TommyFilth posted:

I used to work at a grocery store, when I was 17, and this woman would come through my line three times a week with her kid, and she would talk to him in this sickly-sweet condescending kind of voice. It was absolutely hideous, like dragging a thumbtack across the scrotum of your soul, and it brought out murderous feelings in me.

And she called me Thomas. Because that's what my name badge said. I told her, "I like being called Tom." And she laughed and turned to her son, saying something like, "But we remember you better as Thomas because we like Thomas the Train Engine!" My skin became ashen, and one of my coworkers said something about me not looking so good, but it was too echo-y for me to know who said it, and then I was laying on the floor fifteen feet away and there's blood all over my hands and my shirt.

I don't wanna talk about this anymore.

You were right to be angry...

It's Thomas the TANK Engine.

kuribo
Aug 2, 2003

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
This one time, my mother and my stepfather were arguing. I guess to understand this story, you'd have to know that my pops was a heroin addict, who at the time, had gotten so high that he picked a mole off the middle of his penis. Anyway, it got infected, and left his junk so mangled looking that... well, you get the idea.

So, one evening, I'm in my bedroom watching a movie, and I hear all this shouting. Open up my bedroom door, and there's my mother and my pops arguing with a full head of steam about how he's never home and always working or hanging out with his buddies. At this point, my mother screams at him, "No, you're never home, that's why I use THIS every day after you leave." And starts smacking him him with a dildo.

God am I glad these people didn't raise me.

Eat This Glob
Jan 14, 2008

God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. Who will wipe this blood off us? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we need to invent?

I'll have to add to the derail, I suppose. When I was in middle school around 13 years old or something, I was over at my buddies house. My buddy says "I gotta show you this, stay here" so I parked it in the kitchen. He goes into his mom's bedroom just off the kitchen and comes out with this 10" vascular-as-hell monster dildo. "Check this out," he says. He turns it on. Turns out it's not a dildo, but a vibrator. With the rpm's this thing is kicking out, you'd think it was a 2-stroke pull start engine model. "loving gross," I say. He takes this as his queue to put it against his throat and start talking like Ned from South Park. He starts coming at me. I want nothing to do with his fat mom's giant 50 horsepower mega-vibe, so I take off and he chases me around the house with it. He didn't catch me, thank God. Twelve years later, I've never let him live down him having his mom's pleasure pole so close to his mouth.

McBeth
Jul 11, 2006
Odeipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.

Hiyme posted:

I've never let him live down him having his mom's pleasure pole so close to his mouth.

My mom had a reusable douche under the bathroom sink and my older brother used to fill it with water and sometimes drink out of it. I like to remind him now and then, he's 34.

sexy olorin
Apr 14, 2008

Workin' the corners of Azeroth.

Hiyme posted:

I'll have to add to the derail, I suppose. When I was in middle school around 13 years old or something, I was over at my buddies house. My buddy says "I gotta show you this, stay here" so I parked it in the kitchen. He goes into his mom's bedroom just off the kitchen and comes out with this 10" vascular-as-hell monster dildo. "Check this out," he says. He turns it on. Turns out it's not a dildo, but a vibrator. With the rpm's this thing is kicking out, you'd think it was a 2-stroke pull start engine model. "loving gross," I say. He takes this as his queue to put it against his throat and start talking like Ned from South Park. He starts coming at me. I want nothing to do with his fat mom's giant 50 horsepower mega-vibe, so I take off and he chases me around the house with it. He didn't catch me, thank God. Twelve years later, I've never let him live down him having his mom's pleasure pole so close to his mouth.

I don't laugh very much at work but this had me going. Only gross childhood memory I have was having to hear about my friend's parents about to start having sex. My friend said he then heard this loud fart and his mom say oh just forget about it. Luckily I never had to hear any of these things in my childhood.

TommyFilth
Aug 25, 2000

by Ozma

McBeth posted:

My mom had a reusable douche under the bathroom sink and my older brother used to fill it with water and sometimes drink out of it. I like to remind him now and then, he's 34.

Why on earth would anyone own a reusable douche?

McBeth
Jul 11, 2006
Odeipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.

TommyFilth posted:

Why on earth would anyone own a reusable douche?

You clean it out and it's good to go, and cheaper than buying disposable. I take it you aren't in possession of a vagina?

TommyFilth
Aug 25, 2000

by Ozma

McBeth posted:

You clean it out and it's good to go, and cheaper than buying disposable. I take it you aren't in possession of a vagina?

Not personally, no.

From all accounts, though, I've been led to believe that the act of douching is what causes stank in the first place.

In any case, why own a personal douchebag? Cheaper or not, you have to admit that it's not something most people want to keep.

I guess it'd be cool if it was monogrammed or something.

I heart bacon
Nov 18, 2007

:burger: It's burgin' time! :burger:


McBeth posted:

My mom had a reusable douche under the bathroom sink and my older brother used to fill it with water and sometimes drink out of it. I like to remind him now and then, he's 34.

Oh, dear lord, I nearly launched liquid onto my monitor reading that!

MICHAEL ASSFACE
Jan 24, 2006

by Fragmaster

TommyFilth posted:

From all accounts, though, I've been led to believe that the act of douching is what causes stank in the first place.

Jesus Christ, you don't know poo poo.

EDGECRUSHER
Feb 28, 2001

TommyFilth posted:

Not personally, no.

From all accounts, though, I've been led to believe that the act of douching is what causes stank in the first place.


If this was opposite day. Who the gently caress got you to believe that stank puss comes from using douches? My god...

TommyFilth
Aug 25, 2000

by Ozma

MICHAEL ASSFACE posted:

Jesus Christ, you don't know poo poo.

No, I do. I know thousands of opinions.

EDGECRUSHER posted:

If this was opposite day. Who the gently caress got you to believe that stank puss comes from using douches? My god...

A couple of people. Doesn't matter, let's just put it this way: before there was douche, what did women use? Soap and water, like a normal bath, maybe? Why isn't that enough? It's a body part, it doesn't require a solution in order to be properly cleaned.

KillerFuzzball
Jul 1, 2007

taste the pain

TommyFilth posted:

No, I do. I know thousands of opinions.


A couple of people. Doesn't matter, let's just put it this way: before there was douche, what did women use? Soap and water, like a normal bath, maybe? Why isn't that enough? It's a body part, it doesn't require a solution in order to be properly cleaned.

I thought douching caused an imbalance in some bacteria or something and caused stank. At least that's what I learned in sex ed.

TommyFilth
Aug 25, 2000

by Ozma

KillerFuzzball posted:

I thought douching caused an imbalance in some bacteria or something and caused stank. At least that's what I learned in sex ed.

Exactly.

atomikdarling
Apr 29, 2007

Pouring one out for my Ohmies.

KillerFuzzball posted:

I thought douching caused an imbalance in some bacteria or something and caused stank. At least that's what I learned in sex ed.

It screws up your bacteria and pH levels, and leaves you more susceptible to infections, which smell. As far as I know, most doctors agree that regular douching can do more harm than good. Basically, if you've got some kind of serious odor problem down there that soap and water isn't taking care of, you need medical attention.

McBeth
Jul 11, 2006
Odeipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.

TommyFilth posted:

Exactly.

As mom put it once, 'you gotta clean house now and then' I didn't ask for more details. She also told me about a secret desire to write romance novels where a guy put his manhood into a woman's femininity. Another time she casually mentioned that all the guys she's ever been with have all tried for the back door action, 'including your father'.

It's never not awkward.

taint massage
Jun 13, 2008

We already run the misfits outta our country. We sent 'em back to England.

McBeth posted:

As mom put it once, 'you gotta clean house now and then' I didn't ask for more details. She also told me about a secret desire to write romance novels where a guy put his manhood into a woman's femininity. Another time she casually mentioned that all the guys she's ever been with have all tried for the back door action, 'including your father'.

It's never not awkward.

So did she give up the butt?

McBeth
Jul 11, 2006
Odeipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.

taint massage posted:

So did she give up the butt?

I'll ask this Thanksgiving.

Mister Fister
May 17, 2008

D&D: HASBARA SQUAD
KILL-GORE


I love the smell of dead Palestinians in the morning.
You know, one time we had Gaza bombed for 26 days
(and counting!)

McBeth posted:

As mom put it once, 'you gotta clean house now and then' I didn't ask for more details. She also told me about a secret desire to write romance novels where a guy put his manhood into a woman's femininity. Another time she casually mentioned that all the guys she's ever been with have all tried for the back door action, 'including your father'.

It's never not awkward.

Sometimes i'm glad my parents are religious :cry:

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

TommyFilth
Aug 25, 2000

by Ozma

taint massage posted:

So did she give up the butt?

Imagining one's mother having anal sex... never really thought I'd think about that.

I don't mind telling you, I'm a very visually oriented person, and what I just pictured in my head was not pleasant at all.