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 IF YOU WANT TO SEE ALL THE FIGHTS AND NONE OF THE NONSENSE, GET YE TO THE WEBSITEor click HERE to read just my godlike utterances, and not a whisper otherwise. I done got interviewed by a websight Another very cool article here COME ARGUE ABOUT FIGHTING ANIMALS ON IRC Bassetking posted:I've spoken to gamesurge, and they are denying our attempt at channel registration due to the association with the illegal activity of cruelty to animals, so it looks like Synirc is our best bet. It can be joined through irc.synirc.net, and then /join #Zoofights  Ladies and gentlemen, it's the beginning of May, and that means it's time for SA's very own Colosseum to get into gear. Mix up a bucket of rat's milk and paint thinner, and get yourself ready for a truly grizzly start to the summer. Tonight is the start of a festival of bloodsports that will see more than 20 artists bring you rivets, railguns and sucker punches until there's no fighting left to be done. That's right, Sports Fans - it's time for Zoofights V. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=afoMqvIWa5E (If you haven't seen this before, it's basically a big thing where we make up some monsters and draw them fighting based on the outcomes of arguments about which one would/should win in a fight) Brand new Zoofights Website ITS GOT TWITER --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Story This is a tough time to have a zoofight. Things have changed since our golden era of space stations and champagne. Most significantly, human civilisation has been decimated in an atomic war, sparked by an attempt to give squid access to the internet. It was kind of our fault. Or rather, we should have said something about it. You may remember from crude paintings daubed on the walls of your caves and tin shacks that our last tournament featured a competitor from the nightmare squid/war future described above. If your tumour-riddled ancestors were particularly good with a clay-daubed thighbone, you may have been able to distinguish it attacking a space station from Jupiter's atmosphere, while being savaged by a giant moth that thought it was God.  If not, I suggest you read the website. All will become clear. In any case, the squid got beat, and that's why there are now two suns in the sky. Unfortunately, absolutely nothing was done to avert the advent of the Seanet project, and so a few decades after the tournament, the whole drat thing happened anyway. Some squid got hooked up with VoIP, the ocean gained sentience, and a whole lot of nukes got launched. You know the rest. Luckily, our guys knew what was up. They called round the international elite and started selling places in our state of the art, futureproof cryo-bunker. When the mushroom clouds started blooming, we finished our brandies and settled down for centuries of comfortable sleep under a mile of rock and lead. Now that our monitors have assessed the remnants of humanity to be capable of attending an unparalleled spectacle of violence and chance, we are back in business! The aim of the game is the same as it ever was: beef up 16 animals into relentless monsters, then make them fight and bet on it. I'm afraid to say that not everything has gone to plan, however. The fuses on the coolant pump for sector G went down about 70 years back, and we lost Castro, the Belgian aristocracy and 70 tons of foie gras overnight. On the bright side, Fidel's torporgic humidor made it through just fine, so we're cool for cigars.  To be fair though, unless you're reading this from an LCD screen implanted in the back of a prostitute while sipping complementary champagne in the Cryolounge, cigars and foie gras won't be on your agenda for the next three weeks. Instead, you can enjoy a wide selection of sawdust pastries, carrion chunks or scavenged human flesh from any one of our concession scaffolds. Bring a blade, though, because we'll be throwing it from a gantry in burlap sacks, with strict orders to gun down anyone who makes a move towards the security cordon. Things could get rowdy.  Nevertheless, there are fine drinks for all at our legendary bar, and the hot drugs stand will continue its timeless tradition of handing out piping hot psychedelics for all and sundry. So come one, come all, park your rusty dune buggies, and take part in the spectacle of this year's Zoofights. The first round's on us. How it works  Each year, the Zoofights army sweats blood and whiskey to bring you visions of savage arena combat, fought between souped-up bruisers from every corner of the animal kingdom. It is the resource to end all "which would win" conversations: a quest to pit endless theoretical monsters against each other under the cold eye of a voting crowd. This year's event, Zoofights V, will be brought to you by a legion of artists from across the world, each possessing their own teeth and limbs. In this thread and on the site listed above, you'll be able to check out the fighters as they are announced, vote on the outcomes of their duels, and then watch the action unfold in sickening technicolour. 16 monsters will enter, and only one will be crowned king of beasts, chosen by the support of the baying mob. Voting  Shortly, you will be presented with the first of eight matchups for Round One. These matchups were chosen randomly by goons during the AMINAL WARZ thread a month ago. The outcome of the fight will be decided by your arguments, your conviction and your anger. Make clear which contender you think will win the brawl, and if possible shout down and rubbish anyone who disagrees with you. Generally, there will be 48 hours between the announcement of a fight and the fight itself, to allow time for it to be drawn, coloured and possibly animated. In that time, we will monitor the strength of arguments here and on the website via a scoring system, and then feed that into a random number generator to get a result. Basically, one word votes don't count, and every word said in support of an underdog increases the chances of a surprise victory against the odds. How does the tournament work?  See the website for how ZF4 worked - basically, there are 8 fights in round one, which produce 8 winners and 8 Loser's League contenders. In round two, the winners square off in four round two bouts, and the LL fighters have their own four fights. In round three, the four contenders that have won both of their fights go head to head in two semi-finals, while the four winners of the Loser's League fight the defeated opponents of the semi-finalists in a terrifying Royal Rumble. The winners of the semi-finals then fight, with the winner going on to face the winner of the Royal Rumble for the tournament trophy. Roleplaying  Since Zoofights is all about participation, it's fun to post as some kind of dude from the tournament's setting (in this case, ARMAGEDDON), and argue as they would. However, things get awkward and a bit off-topic when people start using it to launch their own crossover fanfiction monsterpieces, so just try and stay within the theme. Doctor who and stuff is cool b/c it's like a running joke, as is Gezora. Just because. Keep any in-post avatars to the same size as a normal forums avatar (less than 150x150), and feel free to challenge other posters to fights - who knows, we might even draw them. ROUGH FAQ PATCHED TOGETHER FROM THREAD ANNOUNCEMENTS ----------------  A NOTE ON VOTES---------------- From now until the end of the tournament, for votes to count, they must be posted in the format ##Contendername. This way, I won't get into the embarassing situation of totally losing count of the votes, since the citadel's No matter how well-written non-formatted votes are, they won't come up in my search. THIS IS THE TRAGEDY OF DEMOCRACY IN A WORLD OF MACHINES. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ HOWEVER, votes with diagrams or graphs or pictures will get 5 rather than 1 point, and possibly even more if they are super awesome ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ On the same note, can some brave soul give me an accurate vote count up to this post in the thread? I have 2 different tallies at the moment, and I want to have the numbers right. If you could, confidentially email me the result at zoofights4@gmail.com, and justice will reign once more. -------------------------------------- THE WAIT OF THE WORLD ON UR SHOULDERS -------------------------------------- To avoid disappointment, Zoofights sternly but gently reminds you that this tournament will see 48 hours in between fights being announced and taking place. On the other hand, the fights will be twice as long, hopefully in full colour, and more things may crop up to amuse you in between bouts. It will also mean no week-long gap in between the rounds, so it will all balance out in the end. If you're impatient, go start a riot or swap drinks recipes or talk about ratios, or whatever else it is you've been doing to eke out the years in your fallout shelters. ------------------------ KEEPING TRACK OF THINGS ------------------------ This thread is getting big fast, so don't forget that THE MIGHTY WEBSITE will be updated in near-realtime to get you up to date on the latest developments in an instant. For the sake of those reading the thread, please try and keep character pictures from cropping up too often - maybe just on your vote posts or when you have a visual point to make. Less pictures means it's a lot easier to load and scroll down the page, and will make things a lot more readable. That said, there is some completely hilarious in-character smack talk and commentary flying about, so I'm not going to be a giant dick about anything. Also, art relating to the competitors is totally welcome at any point, needless to say. As are new artists - sign up at the email address above if you want to get in on the action. Major Failure fucked around with this message at 22:02 on May 20, 2010 |
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May 2, 2010 03:04
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Round One, Fight One: DREADNAUTILUS  fighting the squid menace While humanity's governments were crippled during the Seanet war, a guerilla resistance still rages against the Squid from strike bases in the deep oceans. Dreadnautilus is the latest product of this struggle, a cyborg drone built to fight tentacles with tentacles, and entered into Zoofights in the hope of winning supplies for the desperate resistance. Bristling with kinetic weaponry and equipped to fight above or below the surface, this juggernaut is limited only by extreme stupidity - a necessary measure to safeguard it from seanet control. Unfortunately, this means a reliance on constant instructions from radio operators on the battlefield. -------- VERSUS/ -------- BRUT-O5  fighting civil disturbance The blunt, pitiless ergonomics of Brut05 have inspired envy throughout the pits. A combat-engineered warthog with towering hydraulic hind legs and twin concrete-shattering assault cannons, he is one of the latest batch of riot suppression units commissioned by an increasingly desperate South African government to solve its post-nuclear problems. From the destitute aliens that arrived seeking refuge after betting away their fuel money at Zoofights IV, to the cy-boer war of '79, this mass-produced bastard has seen more problems than an army of Jay-Z clones. His solutions, unsurprisingly, tend to involve a lot of goring, stamping and automatic weapons fire. Fight location To get things kicked off, this fight will be a running gun battle through district Z, the huge slum encircling the Zoofights arena compound. Low walls and rusty iron sheds will be commonplace, as, invevitably, will be civilian casualties. [b]TACTICAL ANALYSIS  Dread's going to have to take cover or get up close if he doesn't want his shell shattered in this fight. His inaccuracy won't be much of a disadvantage, since there aren't many decent lines of sight in the slums, but he is probably going to get slightly confused by the density of the terrain. If it comes to an all-out firefight at close range, his tentacles and automatic weapons will deal a horrendous amount of damage.  Brut-os is going to have to split his attention between his adversary and its controlling radio team in this battle, but will dominate if he gets in a superior firing position. With his tendency to smash things, a lot, he will have to be careful not to brain himself on a hovel or something. Up close, he has an advantage in leverage, and won't hesitate to prove it with crippling kicks and shunts. --------------------------------------------------------- [b]VOTING BEGINS NOW
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May 2, 2010 03:58
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3 Sided Die posted:Theres this really cool dude, ok? He's standing around being all chill, like cool dudes are known to do sometimes, a cool dude like this would love to weigh in on the victor of this fight, but hes busy, busy being totally sweet. JohnDonovanLiver posted:That cool dude is standing over there. Right by the gold clock. Death Pits of Crap posted:Who wants to take bets on the quantity of third-party casualties? We will be keeping count, on-camera! SpiderHyphenMan posted:
I don't think that chap's likely to answer, but this is fine - if a challenge is accepted, it'll go on my list of things to try and slip into the footage throughout the tournament. Daktar posted:Niv-Mizzet posted:Mister Leaf posted:This, for example, is probably going to end in blood. Ravenkana posted:
Thanks for joining! Keep conversations short and unillustrated, and you'll be fine. Battlehobo4000 posted:
WHAT YOU CAN'T https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdsodvPtbnA - Zoofights theme tune Mr. Crane posted:
You want to watch the crustaceans round here, mate. Remember this fellow from ZF3? I'll wager you've dealt with crabs with lasers before...  Trundel posted:
That's how we roll. Oh by the way, how's Cuba working out for you? Yeah, thought so.  BigHead posted:
I don't think valley girls survived armageddon, old chap. LeschNyhan posted:
SSN-79, are you watching zoofights while you're meant to be defending the shattered empire of man again?.
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May 2, 2010 11:58
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Good evening, sports fans! Fires are burning all over the citadel, and from the smells wafting up to the command tower, there's oviously some fine rat cookouts going on tonight. Now that you're all settled in and hard at work staking territory or drinking dusty whiskey, I'm going to make a few housekeeping announcements: ---------------- A NOTE ON VOTES---------------- From now until the end of the tournament, for votes to count, they must be posted in the format ##Contendername. This way, I won't get into the embarassing situation of totally losing count of the votes, since the citadel's No matter how well-written non-formatted votes are, they won't come up in my search. THIS IS THE TRAGEDY OF DEMOCRACY IN A WORLD OF MACHINES. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ HOWEVER, votes with diagrams or graphs or pictures will get 5 rather than 1 point, and possibly even more if they are super awesome ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ On the same note, can some brave soul give me an accurate vote count up to this post in the thread? I have 2 different tallies at the moment, and I want to have the numbers right. If you could, confidentially email me the result at zoofights4@gmail.com, and justice will reign once more. -------------------------------------- THE WAIT OF THE WORLD ON UR SHOULDERS -------------------------------------- To avoid disappointment, Zoofights sternly but gently reminds you that this tournament will see 48 hours in between fights being announced and taking place. On the other hand, the fights will be twice as long, hopefully in full colour, and more things may crop up to amuse you in between bouts. It will also mean no week-long gap in between the rounds, so it will all balance out in the end. If you're impatient, go start a riot or swap drinks recipes or talk about ratios, or whatever else it is you've been doing to eke out the years in your fallout shelters. ------------------------ KEEPING TRACK OF THINGS ------------------------ This thread is getting big fast, so don't forget that THE MIGHTY WEBSITE will be updated in near-realtime to get you up to date on the latest developments in an instant. For the sake of those reading the thread, please try and keep character pictures from getting too big or cropping up too often - maybe just on your vote posts, or one a page, or just when you have a visual point to make. Apart from anything else, I start to see them in my nightmares. That said, there is loads of hilarious in-character smack talk and commentary flying about, so I'm not going to be a giant dick about anything. Time Santa loving rocks, while we're on the subject. But yeah, less pictures means it's a lot easier to load and scroll down the page, and will make things a lot more readable. Just a navigation thing really. Also, art relating to the competitors is totally welcome at any point, needless to say. As are new artists - sign up at the email address above if you want to get in on the action. Major Failure fucked around with this message at 01:40 on May 3, 2010 |
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May 3, 2010 01:21
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Flint_Paper posted:
In all fairness, I feel the same way. If I could plead the crowd to turn down the volume on character picture posting, it would make the thread a lot easier to navigate. On-topic stuff is fine, and references to backstories are totally cool, but I want newcomers to be able to drop in out of nowhere and get an idea about what's going on, rather than think it's some kind of nightmarish version of that game where people have names written on their foreheads and have to guess who each other are. Ravenkana posted:If you do it well, you feel a bit more integrated with the fights themselves. Basically, this. Am I making sense? I've been down in the labs huffing porcupine glands again, getting things ready for tonight's festivities. After the South African team spent half the night bugging me for walrus biltong, I'm feeling a bit delicate. Major Failure fucked around with this message at 12:39 on May 3, 2010 |
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May 3, 2010 12:36
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VOTING CLOSED for tonight's event! Fight due to begin 10pm GMT, unless things go seriously awry (which, to be fair, they often do).
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May 3, 2010 16:04
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 As afternoon begins to fade into evening, those denizens of the Zoofights encampment that can not afford arena tickets gather in their hovels to go about their meagre ablutions. Muffled stadium rock echoes from the pre-fight show in the Arena, as smog-filtered sunlight trickles through holes in rusty doors. In this particular shack, it is a peaceful moment. A nourishing stew of child feet and ropes is on the hob, and a fine bottle of Mega Wine has been procured for the occasion. Maybe next bout, these paupers will be able to afford to watch the fighting from the horsebone bleachers of Arena One. For now, they are resigned to remaining far from the action...
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May 3, 2010 23:05
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 ZOOFIGHTS BRINGS THE ACTION TO YOU In a cacophany of mangled iron and bestial grunts, domestic tranquility is shattered, and where once was dinner, now there is only terror. These two chumps were unlucky enough to win our weekly "meet the contestants" lottery, and as a result their home has been chosen as the starting point for tonight's brawl. With Brut-os locked in the embrace of Dreadnautilus' tentacles, there is no gunfire - only the brutal smashing of shell on corrugated metal as his invertebrate assailant is thrashed left and right against any hard surface. Bits of table and stuff fly everywhere, but the undersea avenger's shell is just not cracking. It's time to take this to the street...
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May 3, 2010 23:20
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 As word gets round the slum that the fight has started early, the wretched inhabitants of bars and vice dens flock onto balconies and gantries to see things go down. Brutos bursts from the hovel in the grip of his enemy, and leaps straight down into a sidestreet clogged with dust and broken machines. He thunders and bounds down the urban canyon, swiping Dread this way and that against rough stone, manky pipes and old cars alike. Meanwhile, the mollusc's radio operators sit tight in a nearby dwelling, whispering sage advice to their stalwart war engine. "hold on, you loving idiot. Change the frequency! No, no, no, that'll lose the connection. Seriously man, don't let him let go - that thing's going to destroy us in a loving second." "Dude, this is terrifying? What do I tell the squid now. How the hell do I see his health bar?" "I don't know, they never went through this in basic. I'm scared, Jim."
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May 3, 2010 23:32
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 Dreadnautilus is momentarily distracted by the bickering of his terrified radio operators, and loses his grip on the raging hog. A disciplined warrior would use such a moment to back off and get a good line of sight with ranged weaponry, but Brutos is not one of those. He is a warthog's front half bolted onto a cheap infantry mech, and he will do what he drat well likes. IT'S GORING TIME. Free of the tentacles, Brutos flails his forelimbs and lets loose a guttural roar from the darkest reaches his civil protection days. He rears up a massive foot to gain momentum, and prepares to deliver a headbutt to rock the district...
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May 3, 2010 23:41
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 "Dude, dude, he's hit us hard, which button controls the missiles? We totally need the missiles! WHICH ONE IS IT? Oh poo poo bro he's gonna fire, hide hide hide" The hydraulic headbutt sends Brutos' hovering foe careening down the street, dazed and reeling from the impact. Guided by a rapidly disintegrating sequence of commands from his handlers, dreadnautilus searches for cover, safety - anything to get away from the cruel South African steel of Brutos' rifles...
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May 3, 2010 23:49
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 Dreadnautilus cowers in the shadow of a mud hut as the Joburg Juggernaut finally lets rip with both cannons and tears up the street. Dangerously exposed, his hopeless radio crew fumble with their set, frantic to get it transmitting again after its carrier taking five shells to the gut. They only succeed in popping out the batteries, killing the uplink to Dread's radio array and leaving him temporarily alone with his own mind... Thanks again to the incomparable discount_bees for this painting
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May 3, 2010 23:59
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 Memories of the sea come back to him... memories of fighting leviathans with tentacles like steel cable, in the deep trenches south of Japan...
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May 4, 2010 00:03
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 With the confusion and doubt sown by his handlers temporarily relieved, Dreadnautilus moves with blistering speed. Hurtling round the corner, the living weapons platform releases a swarm of munitions, darkening the sky with rocket trails and hot lead in an attempt to break Brutos' long range dominance. Plaster walls are smashed into dust, and the horrendous hog has his turn to be forced into cover, ducking behind a conveniently-placed bus to avoid being minced. But as Dreadnautilus draws close to take advantage of his surge, a crackling begins to sound in his brain. "Hey man, I think it's on. IT'S ON, TALK TO HIM DUDE." "Okay, hey, can you hear us? You gotta kill this warthog guy, ok?" "...can he hear us? KILL THE HOG MANG" It only takes Brutos a heartbeat to react to the lessening in the storm of bullets, as Dread is once again distracted by his essential helpers...
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May 4, 2010 00:21
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 BUS KICKBrutos does what Brutos does best, and boots the bus down the street with a punt from his mighty leg. Dreadnautilus manages to dodge out of the way in time, allowing the bus to sail on, cartwheeling end over end in a cloud of dust and scrap metal. It bounces with an almighty crunch, and hurtles towards Dread's radio operators. With barely time for a terrified glance upwards, they are pulped into gumph by the tumbling vehicle. gently caress man, watch out for the BU-" (For those of you taking stock of civilian casualties, that bus was crammed full of living brains in jars, transported as food for our higher-class attendees. Not only did its destruction ramp up the kill total to 315; it also gave dozens of souls early release from a waking nightmare. Well done Brutos.)
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May 4, 2010 00:31
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 The fuel tank on the bus goes up, and Dreadnautilus, shocked into paralysis by the death of his handlers, is surrounded by an inferno that dries and wrinkles his fragile caphalopod skin. The flames reflect in the pitiless eyes of its tormentor, and the only sound to be heard over the crackle of the flames is the whirr of servos as rifles are brought to bear... For the first time in its life, Dreadnautilus can think clearly. Time seems to slow, and decisions come more rapidly, more lucidly. It peers through its targeting monocular, wondering how many fractions of a second it has before Brutos begins to perforate its shell with white-hot uranium. For a second, it wonders whether it really did need the radio operators to make intelligent decisions, or whether they were there to stop it making decisions that were a little too smart...
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May 4, 2010 00:42
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 With chilling focus, Dreadnautilus concentrates on the one calculation he needs to secure victory, and squeezes off a single slug from an armour-piercing grenade launcher. In the instant before Brutos' rifles fire, a dull thud sounds as the round punches straight through the cyborg's chestplate. The rifles get off a dozen or so rounds, but it is over before it started. KO - DREADNAUTILUS WINS WITH A VOTING MAJORITY AND SOME SERIOUSLY DECISIVE RANDOM NUMBER RESULTS Luckily, those jokesters on the South African team stuffed Brutos chock full of delicious meat, so he's burst apart like some kind of hideous butchershop pinata. Go scramble to get some ribs, a sausage, whatever - all meat released on the battlefield is guaranteed neither radioactive nor human sourced, as per health and safety regulations. Rusty oil drums for Barbecuing will be half price at concessions stands all night, in celebration of this meaty victory. Next fight incoming shortly... Major Failure fucked around with this message at 01:24 on May 4, 2010 |
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May 4, 2010 00:59
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Round One, Fight Two: BLOOD 4 OIL  fighting for the last drops of oil What oil remains in the post-nuclear world is hoarded by survivors of the production cartels, on artificial fortress islands in the scum-choked Persian Gulf. BLOOD 4 OIL haunts the surrounding marshes, harvesting oil-producing algae with its tungsten proboscis. To avoid wasting precious gasoline, it is fuelled by blood; wherever it lands, clouds of tiny offspring billow from its back to descend on anything nearby with a pulse while it guzzles fuel oil. Capable of drilling through steel, this thing can drink a car's tank in seconds and turn a field of goats into dust for dessert. Makes malaria look fun. -------- VERSUS/ -------- Snake Preview  fighting the future... in infrared After an aircraft laden with salvaged wartime technology was shot down by cargo cultists deep in the Peruvian Amazon, local shamans wasted no time in claiming the time-bending machinery aboard for their god - a green anaconda grown vast on meals of sacred cattle. But their attempt to give it sight beyond time backfired horribly when they turned on the unshielded chronoreactors and bits of cooked snake flew everywhere. Rearing back in a nimbus of green light, the half-skeletal serpent was cursed with the ability to see the immediate future - but only in infrared. It had become Snake Preview. Fight location This fight will take place in the chuck D memorial terrordome, which we couldn't quite afford to shield against the dangerously high radiation output of Snake Preview. Therefore, since the giger count is going to be insane in there anyway, we've dumped a load of toxic waste onto the arena floor to make things more interesting. [b]TACTICAL ANALYSIS   Snake preview will have an advantage against Blood 4 Oil's speed with his infra-red sight beyond time, but this will get confused when the mosquito's offspring are full of hot blood and swarming. Still, they will be full of hot radioactive blood, so things are going to get grimmer for the insect the longer the fight goes on - leukemia is pretty much a certainty. Also, don't forget that the whole time, spectators round the arena will be getting bathed in sleeting radiation. Should be fun! --------------------------------------------------------- [b]VOTING BEGINS NOW
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May 4, 2010 01:31
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Bash Ironfist posted:Uhhh guys. I don't want to be a dick but it's getting kind of hard to see if there's been any actual updates, what with all the roleplaying going on in this thread. Just sayin'...maybe keep it to casting your vote or something. For anyone having this problem, this is exactly why I made This big old website. I thought that having everything collected in one place without an attendant thread would ease up the pressure here a little. In any case, the thread's been loads of fun to read, but maybe the number of identical character portrait pics could stand to go down a little. I know dread vs brutos went up a bit late, but it should be pretty much right behind thread updates from now on. Do you think I should put this more prominently in the OP? Major Failure fucked around with this message at 10:12 on May 5, 2010 |
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May 5, 2010 10:09
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Ghost Hat posted:loving Bravo, sir - you do win. This is a 10-vote effort, right here. On which note, voting closedReally interesting numbers tonight, and people's artistic/lyrical/analytical efforts made an enormous impact on the outcome. Fight incoming in around 2 hours....
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May 5, 2010 20:41
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Oh yes, and while you're busy boiling up the last scraps of that awful warthog for your sandwiches tonight, this might keep you entertained. I done got interviewed by a websight.
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May 5, 2010 21:20
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 Good evening, Sports Fans, and welcome to the second fight of Zoofights V, coming to you live from the Chuck D Memorial Terrordome. Tonight, this sludge filled circle of rusted sheet metal will be the grave of one of our unlucky contestants - but which will it be? The oil-hungry arthropod from the Persian gulf, or the Brutal Boid with horrid timesight? Only Snake Preview knows, deep in his ruined cortex, and he isn't saying anything. The fight starts with a gurgle rather than a bang, as Blood 4 Oil emerges from the gamma-heavy tar of the arena floor, as he once did when emerging from his larval form in an oil-choked sea. It is counting on the masking effect of the sludge to hide his heat signature as it sneaks up on the prescient reptile. But despite his designers having watched old VHS tapes of Predator nearly eight times, the extreme radioactivity of the Terrordome Gunge gives him away - Snake Preview knows he is coming, and whips round to face him in a shifting mass of exposed bone and rotten scales....
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May 5, 2010 23:51
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 With eerily fast reaction times, Blood 4 Oil withdraws rapidly, and pumps tens of thousands of freshly hatched Anopheles from his abdomen. The cloned swarms descend in a black sheet, their metabolisms overclocked to force an incredibly short and thirsty life. Without any kind of point defence mechanism, Snake Preview is overwhelmed - the sheer number of assailants turn sheets of flesh to papery waste in seconds, and it looks for a moment as if the eldritch reptile will lose the plot and fall down like a sack of poo poo... Major Failure fucked around with this message at 00:56 on May 6, 2010 |
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May 5, 2010 23:59
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 But reptiles are tough old bastards, and Snake Preview has not had enough yet. His blood, viscous and aged as it is, has made a hard meal for his enemy, and the sluggish traces that remain are enough to nourish his twisted frame. Hissing audibly over the deafening rattle of giger counters in the Terrordome, the ruined anaconda rises and prepares to strike at its foe with terrible foresight. However, with the air full of clusters of insects bulging with hot blood, a prediction is proving harder to form than usual in Snake Preview's brain...
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May 6, 2010 00:11
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 Join us now, as we take a horrible sojourn into the mind of Snake Preview. No-one below the ability of a class-7 ultrabrane could possibly percieve infra-red signals through the fourth dimension, so we've had our conjurers and mystics put together this live feed from the inside of SP's skull. The clocks represent time, and everything else is heat - makes sense, right? Well, much like you, Snake Preview is distracted by the sheer number of large heat signatures drifting through the air around him. He sways his ragged neck from left to right, trying to anticpate the mosquito's strike, but can find no certainty in the glowing horror of his senses...
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May 6, 2010 00:22
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 While Snake Preview is pontificating like a giant bellend, Blood 4 Oil uses his nightmare-inducing speed to turn the future into the present, before his titanic opponent has a chance to say otherwise. The insect's whirling tungsten drill plunges into Preview's clogged innards, sending spasms up and down the giant snake's cadavre. The struggle sends spatters of tar-encrusted scale all over the place, and the crowd crane their necks to catch sight of a victor...
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May 6, 2010 00:35
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 As the struggle dies out in the centre of the Terrordome, a battered Blood 4 Oil rises into a shaft of light. The insect leaks crude oil and protoplasm from a hundred crush wounds, and the audience wonders briefly why the snake has withdrawn from its crushing grip - is it dead at last? The great green carcass lies still, while Blood 4 Oil seeps ichor and weakens as it processes gallons upon gallons of DNA-destroying snake blood. Sensory hairs begin to drop from the drone's head in clumps, and the whine of its wings fluctuates weakly. But the brawl is over, and Round 2 is only a short, delirious flight away. Until the snake begins to stir again... Major Failure fucked around with this message at 00:54 on May 6, 2010 |
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May 6, 2010 00:46
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 With seemingly impossible resilience, the Snake leers up once more from the murk of the arena floor, brandishing a nightmarish grin at the battered insect. It does not have the strength for another bout in Snake Preview's tentacles, and merely hovers weakly as a ghastly message begins to form in the air. "Your going 2 die" projects Snake preview - does it truly see the immediate future for Blood 4 Oil's ravaged form, or is this one last unearthly bluff?
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May 6, 2010 01:03
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BONUS SHOT As the despair-ridden standoff plays out in the gloom of the arena, the audience fall into panic. They, too, have seen their own mortality in gazing at Snake Preview's display, and do not know what to do for the best. As the seemingly indestructible reptile gloats, hands visibly wither under the bites of roving mosquito clouds, and skin darkens under the onslaught of sleeting gamma radiation. Blood 4 Oil dangles heavily in the air, and confronts the fact that it, one day, will die. It doesn't give a poo poo.
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May 6, 2010 01:10
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Blood 4 Oil's designer's didn't just watch Predator a lot - they were also big fans of Terminator. BRAINSTABgently caress you, predestination. Swooping with the effortless indifference of insects everywhere, Blood 4 Oil ignores Snake Preview's prediction and jams 10 feet of tungsten through its skull instead. With both heart and mind punctured, the serpent is finally brought down for good, its eye sockets winking out in a heartbeat. BLOOD 4 OIL WINS!!! <and that's enough for tonight! Fight 3 announced tomorrow evening, but will be back once I've had some sleep!>
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May 6, 2010 01:22
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Iamyourking posted:
Good point - I'll include vital stats from the next fight on. Doomtalker posted:1 and 1, not bad. Can't wait for tomorrow evening, of course; Major, you're REALLY outdoing yourself this year! The real talent has come from the surgineering team - tonight was brought to you by 6 different artists, with just a few bits by me - there's no way I'd be able to produce half this much alone. While tonight's fight was a little abstract in places, the punch-up announced tomorrow evening will be refreshingly visceral. Watch this space.
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May 6, 2010 01:43
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UK attendees, you are in for an election night treat - stand by for fight 3 announcement at 10pm GMT, so once the polling booths close, you can rock up here and vote all over again
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May 6, 2010 20:03
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Round One, Fight Three: AN ELECTION NIGHT TREAT Timing was genuinely coincidental here, the eery allegory of it all only occurred to me this evening SMASH GORDON  fighting Smash Gordon is a controversial attempt by England to circumvent our "no human competitors" rule: a cloned Neanderthal entered into the tournament as an animal. As dense in stature as he is in mind, this brutish thug is the culmination to years of experiments by the propaganda wing of the British police state, aimed at creating an unstoppable terror weapon for Scotland Yard. In fact, he is so colossally challenged that he needs to be guided through non-violent life by his trusty bulldog, Nelson. Nonetheless, he retains a brute cunning, which is truly deadly when backed up by hubcap-sized fists. -------- VERSUS -------- The Sturgeon General  fighting to the bitter end The tattered remnants of Russia's army forgot who they were fighting, but never who led them. Under the forbidding bellow of The Sturgeon General they marched, driven onwards by the hated fish on its ancient tank tracks. When they stumbled through hunger, cold or radiation sickness it urged them forward, and any who disobeyed were transfixed with a mighty shout, then mangled under its treads. The General never let discipline slip, not even when the last man in the legion died under its wheels. Therefore, in admiration of its leadership talent, we have given it an army of devlish antigrav stingrays. Fight location This fight will take place on the hallowed ground of Arena 1, at the heart of the Zoofights citadel. A 100 yard circle of bleached sand sunk into an iron-walled pit and overlooked by rows of rickety seating, that only one contender will leave victorious. TACTICAL ANALYSIS   This fight will be nothing if not bloody. A brawler who can withstand immense punishment, versus a grim colossus designed to beat virtually anything in a war of attrition. Those floating roller-skates will be an important factor, tethered to their mothersturge by steel cable, as will Smash's stalwart bulldog, Nelson. While the rays have potent stings, they are relatively flimsy at just 3 feet long. Sturge's devastating bellow attack and thrashing tail should not be discounted, but neither should the Neanderthal's frightening strength and ability to close. If Smash can get near Sturge's face and withstand the bellowing, he will be in his element... --------------------------------------------------------- VOTING BEGINS NOW
Major Failure fucked around with this message at 23:11 on May 6, 2010 |
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May 6, 2010 22:42
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stereobreadsticks posted:
It was actually a chilling coincidence, but it seems to have found a creepy synergy with Westminster. The blundering brute in red fails to achieve a majority vote against the condescending blue fish, but might just manage a victory by sharing votes with a small mammal. On which note.. Ravenkana posted:Why was I so foolish to believe in the caveman? Only ##Nelson has any true potential. Why, after Zoofights I wouldn't be surprised to see him running for Prime Minister... and winning. Yes, I'm going to start counting votes for Nelson, and I'm going to factor them into the random number generation that decides the victor. Fight 3 is no longer a two-party system, it would seem. Can anyone fashion some kind of post-apocalyptic swingometer? I swear there's some neon tubes and rusty metal piled up behind the South arena concessions abbatoir, you can use that if you run out of cat bones. Gann Jerrod posted:  Nothing personal old chap, but I can't be doing with all that. Appreciate the enthusiasm and all, but it busts through the mood like a rhino's face through a tissue paper sculpture of an egg, and stops people from wanting to read the thread. Jimmy Sapphire posted:
Chuffing gently caress that's ace. Leave it with me, you'll see this again. ZeeToo posted:Nuclear Pogostick posted:homerlaw posted:<3 <3 <3 Infographics <3 <3 <3 6 more hours of voting, people. Also, there are a couple of housekeeping announcements to make, while I'm here. - 6,000,000 cartons of "Brute's Flute" cigarettes have been donated to Zoofights by the South African government, as a gift completely unconnected to the efforts we will make to repair Brut-Os for the Loser's League. As a result, smoking is now mandatory. If you don't have lungs or a mouth, just hurl the cartons into braziers and warm your hands - a desert storm is coming in, and you'll need every scrap of heat you can get. - The stores of foie gras we lost during hibernation have been found at last. They were roaming the bottom levels of the complex, howling wordless pleas for death through throats made of greasy liver tissue. Coincidentally, you may wish to try the new tinned GooseChow on sale at the North Stand Omega-Mart for just eight bottle caps. - If you'd like to see large versions of any of the pictures from this year's introductory presentation, just let me know and I'll make a psot with a few. Otherwise, they'll eventually be on the website. - Does anyone have any Turtle Pellets? We are in sudden and desperate need of a lot of them, fast.
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May 8, 2010 11:22
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Ok, ghouls, drifters and barflies, voting's over for this round. EDIT: Votes counted - well, that's eerily like reality then. Major Failure fucked around with this message at 17:38 on May 8, 2010 |
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May 8, 2010 17:09
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Jim the Nickel posted:
Thank god for that, at least that'll keep things from kicking off back here for another few days. Can't speak for Nelson, but we had these lying round in the Yard of Unspeakables, I suppose they might be of some use to you? 
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May 8, 2010 21:40
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toppro posted:So when's the fight then? RIGHT NOW  As the suns finally emerge after two days of fierce dust storms, they hammer hard UV onto the tin plates and rusty girders of the Main Arena. Rowdy onlookers hurl cans and abuse at the arena sand, where a rusty old armoured van bearing the British colours is awaiting the start of battle. Then, as the chanting and hammering of steins on railings grows to a crescendo, a radiation-savaged tape of soviet marching music comes crackling over the arena's sound system. There is a creaking of time-busted hinges, accompanied by the low thunder of treads, and the arena gate begins to rumble open... Theme Tune for Fight Major Failure fucked around with this message at 00:27 on May 9, 2010 |
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May 9, 2010 00:10
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 With a howl like Brian Blessed challenging the devil to a fistfight from inside a wind tunnel, the Sturgeon General makes his entrance. Eardrums rupture, rivets shake loose and glasses crack as the relentless titan bursts into the light, while his swooping cadre of roller-skates writhe to his turbine-enhanced dirge. The van stays immobile on the killing floor with no signs of life apparent, and Smash Gordon is nowhere to be seen. The Sturgeon General, enraged by the lack of killing, notches up his senseless wailing and steams towards the vehicle...
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May 9, 2010 00:19
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 The General rolls to a halt just feet from the squat grey van, letting his roar wind down to a low moaning as he awaits a challenge. As he towers in the centre of the arena, the lone click of a lock echoes over the remnants of his scream...
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May 9, 2010 00:22
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| # ¿ Apr 25, 2024 05:34 |
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May 9, 2010 00:24
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