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I'm going to be attending an event this weekend that gives out an award for best joke at the end of the night, basically having everyone stand up and tell a joke and then a judge deciding who is the most hilarious. I won Best Joke two years ago, but last year I came up short, so this year I'm turning to the goons for an ultra funny joke that I can take the prize with. For content, here's the joke I won with two years ago. I feel that a text posting doesn't do it justice, but the important things about this joke are using a ridiculous growly bear voice and dragging it out a lot. It can technically be cut short for tellings with less patient crowds, but I like long jokes as it gives me more time to make up ridiculous stuff to throw in. This is a pretty adlibbed up telling as well as I don't think I ever tell this joke the same twice, but you'll get the jist of it: A bear walks into a bar and walks up to the bartender and says, "Give me a beer." The bartender takes a look at the bear, points to a sign above the bar, and says, "Sorry Bear, but I can't serve you here. As this sign clearly reads, there is no beer for no bear in this bar." The bear takes none to kindly to this news and shouts in the bartender's hideous face, "You big jerk! Give me A BEER!" The bartender doesn't appreciate being called a big jerk in his own establishment, but he is the kind of man who holds his ground in the face of adversity. He cooly responds by glancing up at the sign and saying once again, "I'm sorry bear, but the rules are the rules and the rule is that there is no beer for no bear in this bar." The bear is pretty outraged at this point and yells out, "If you don't give me a beer, I'm going to rake my claws across your bar and ruin it!" The bartender doesn't like the sound of this, but he holds fast, "I'm sorry Bear, but I simply cannot serve you. I go by the rules and the rules say clearly, no beer for no bear in this bar." Hearing this, the bear, being a bear of his word, takes his gigantic bear claws and rakes them accross the mahogany leaving huge bear claw marks in his wake. After completing his vandalism, the bear smugly looks at the bartender and says, "Well what do you think about that? You'd better serve me that beer!" But the bartender simply replies, "Listen bear, I'm sorry, I really am, but I can serve no beer to no bear in this bar. That's all there is to it." The bear flies into a rage at this and says to the bartender, "I'm crazy mad now! If you don't give me a beer, I'm going to maul that guy over there playing pool! How would you like that, Mr. Big Shot Bartender??" And the bartender replies, "Well I don't think I'd like it at all, but I still can serve no beer to no bear in this bar. That is what the rules are and they are clearly stated on this sign above my head. Can't you read bear?" The bear is in fact illiterate and this comment just maddens him further. Continueing to be a bear of his word he bounds over to pool table and starts clawing the poor man's face off. Once his grisly work is done he returns to the bar and says, "Now GIVE ME A BEER!!!" The bartender simply crosses his arms and says, "No beer, for no bear, in this bar." The bear, now at his wits end, shoots back, "Your rules don't mean anything to me! If you don't give me a beer this instant, I'm going to go eat that lady over at the other end of the bar!" The bartender replies simply by pointing his bony finger up at the sign swinging above his mottled brow which clearly reads: NO BEER FOR NO BEAR IN THIS BAR Once again, the bear being a bear of his word and being overcome with rage runs down to the end of the bar and eats the lady up in one giant gulp. After doing so he walks back to the bartender and starts to speak, but is cut off by the bartender! "And we don't serve drug users either," he says. The bear is quite confused at this comment and says, "What are you talking about bartender?" To which the bartender says back, "That was a bar-bitch-you-ate."
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Jun 22, 2010 18:15
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| # ? Apr 25, 2024 23:30 |
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This guy is out at a bar after work with his friends. "Guys, I can't get too drunk. If I come home piss drunk again my wife is going to leave me" A few shots later the man is piss drunk and vomits on his shirt. "Guys, what the hell do I do? My wife is going to kill me!" he says. His friend comes up with an idea, "Relax here's what you do: Take this $20 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When she sees the puke just tell her that a guy at the bar puked on you and gave you $20 for a new shirt." He's thrilled at the idea and continues drinking. When he gets home his wife is up waiting for him. "You're drunk! This is it! I've had it with you!", she says. "No, honey, look" He pulls out two $20 bills from his pocket and explains, "A guy at the bar puked on me and gave me $20 for a new shirt. I only had a beer! Honest!" She calms down but asks, "Okay, then whats the other $20 for?". He explains, "Because he also poo poo in my pants."
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Jun 22, 2010 18:38
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What's Beethoven's favourite fruit? BA-NA-NA-NAAAAA Works every time.
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Jun 22, 2010 19:02
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I don't know if they're a religious crowd, but this one's always been a great favorite of mine: One day, God is totally bored out of his mind and decides to take a vacation. Only problem is, he can't decide on where he wants to go. He asks St Peter for advice. "Why don't you go to Mercury?" suggests St. Peter. "It's nice and hot all the time, you could work on your tan, relax in a sauna..." God says "No, it's way too hot" "Well how about Pluto then?" tries St. Peter again. "It's really cool, you could go skiing, do some ice fishing, maybe shack up with a cute little snow bunny." God says "Ugh, no, way too cold" Peter then hits upon Earth. "It's right in the middle, you've got warmth and heat when you want it, you've got mountains and skiing when you want it, it's got pretty much everything you could ask for from a resort." God says, "No loving way. Last time I was down there, knocked up some bitch, started all sorts of poo poo"
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Jun 22, 2010 19:17
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goatse
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Jun 22, 2010 19:22
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How do you make a skeleton? put a leper in a wind tunnel
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Jun 22, 2010 19:30
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Why do seagulls fly by the sea? 'cause if they flew by the bay, they'd be baygulls!
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Jun 22, 2010 19:46
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Two muffins are in an oven. The first muffin turns to the other and says, "Hoooo boy, it's hot in here." The second muffin looks at the first and screams, "OH MY GOD, A TALKING MUFFIN!" It's all in the delivery. Also: Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
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Jun 22, 2010 20:14
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smashthedean posted:I'm going to be attending an event this weekend that gives out an award for best joke at the end of the night, basically having everyone stand up and tell a joke and then a judge deciding who is the most hilarious. I won Best Joke two years ago, but last year I came up short, so this year I'm turning to the goons for an ultra funny joke that I can take the prize with. You must be great at delivery if that actually won something content: Why couldn't helen keller drive a car. Because she was a woman Schweinhund has a new favorite as of 20:42 on Jun 22, 2010 |
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Jun 22, 2010 20:33
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This is the best joke in the world. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
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Jun 22, 2010 20:39
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I tell this joke all the time, mainly because it's the only one I can remember. So there were three elephants on top of a cliff. The first two jumped off the cliff, but they didn't jump far enough and they hit the rocks. The third one jumped a little farther and hit the water. BA-DUM-TSSH!  It's the sound they make
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Jun 22, 2010 20:42
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What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eye deer What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no penis? Still no loving eye deer. What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre What's brown and sticky? A stick What's 12 inches long and white? Nothing What's 12 inches long, has a purple head and makes women scream all night? SIDS Why do women get yeast infections? So they'll know what it's like to live with an irritated oval office
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Jun 22, 2010 20:44
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So a baby seal walks into a club...
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Jun 22, 2010 21:09
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There's always this gem: What do you call a black guy that flies a plane? A pilot, you loving racist. Or this, for maximum amount of  :Two men walk into a bar. The first man orders a scotch and soda. The second man remembers something he'd forgotten, and it doubles him over with pain. He falls to the floor shaking, and then through the floor into the earth. He looks back up at the first man, but he doesn't call out to him. They're not that close. Don't bother if you suspect your audience is a Whedon nerd, though.
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Jun 22, 2010 21:52
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Guy walks into a bar and orders a dozen shots of tequila. The bartender says thats a shitload of drinks, and asks the guy what the occasion is. "I had my first blowjob today", he says, and the bartender tells him the thirteenth one is on the house then. Guy says "Thanks, but if twelve shots doesn't get the taste out, nothing will".
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Jun 22, 2010 21:58
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A man goes to his psychiatrist and says "Doc, you gotta help me. Last night I got completely trashed, went home and blew chunks!" The doctor replies "That's a pretty common activity, what do you need help with?" "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog!" Mellow Harsher posted:Two men walk into a bar. The first man orders a scotch and soda. The second man remembers something he'd forgotten, and it doubles him over with pain. He falls to the floor shaking, and then through the floor into the earth. He looks back up at the first man, but he doesn't call out to him. They're not that close. I've seen everything Whedon has done.. but I don't recall why this is funny. Explain?
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Jun 22, 2010 22:01
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CharlesWillisMaddox posted:I've seen everything Whedon has done.. but I don't recall why this is funny. Explain? It's funny 'cause it' not.  It's from one of the latter episodes of Angel season 5. It was Wesley's attempt to tell a joke to Illyria. Just shows how fundamentally broken Wesley had become, plus foreshadows a bit of plot involving a reality-altering spell.
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Jun 22, 2010 22:08
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A man walks into a bar. Fortunately, there's a doctor nearby...
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Jun 22, 2010 22:12
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
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Jun 22, 2010 22:15
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Knock knock. Who's there? 9/11. 9/11 who? You said you'd never forget.
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Jun 22, 2010 23:20
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Magic Hate Ball posted:A man walks into a bar. Fortunately, there's a doctor nearby... Three nuns walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.
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Jun 22, 2010 23:54
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"A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime." I actually share a ton of the jokes with realistic endings to people, and I'm the only one who gets them most of the time.
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Jun 23, 2010 00:10
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An engineering major, and psychiatry major, and an English major are standing at the counter of a McDonalds's when a guy runs toward them, pulls out a little box with a button on it. The man pushes the button and in a flash of light, he disappears. The engineer, surprised at what he has seen said, "How on earth did he do that?". The psychiatrist, just as surprised as the engineer said, "Why on earth did he do that?". The English major, who didn't seem very surprised said "Hey do you guys want fries with that? You're holding up the line!"
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Jun 23, 2010 00:18
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Two cannibals are eating a clown and one turns to the other with a weird face and says does this taste funny to you?
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Jun 23, 2010 00:38
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What's the difference between jam and jelly? You can't jelly your dick in a girl's rear end in a top hat
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Jun 23, 2010 00:43
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What did the constipated accountant do? Worked it out with a pencil.
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Jun 23, 2010 00:44
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How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Ya know, it's a really obscure number, you've probably never even heard of it.
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Jun 23, 2010 00:49
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Schweinhund posted:You must be great at delivery if that actually won something In the same vein: How'd Helen Keller burn her hands? Trying to read the waffle iron Why'd Helen Keller's dog run away? You'd run away too if your name was EUUURGGGHHHAAARRGGGHHH What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? A Dictator! --- A grasshopper walks into a bar and sits down to order a drink. The bartender looks up at him, smiles, and says "Hey buddy, we have a drink here that's named after you!" The grasshopper looks up and says "Really? You have a drink called 'Steve'"? BOOTY-ADE has a new favorite as of 01:48 on Jun 23, 2010 |
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Jun 23, 2010 00:59
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What did the Chinese pirate say? Nothing much, he was too busy frying the prane
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Jun 23, 2010 01:04
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Two toms and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
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Jun 23, 2010 01:44
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I watched America's Got Talent (against my will) last night and they had a stand up comedian who actually did pretty decently. The audience turned against him fast because they'd had a run of terrible comedians, but he managed to get out "A friend asked me what I'd be if I could be any animal, and I said an eagle. And he said 'Why, so you could fly?' and I said 'No, so I could finally have sex with an eagle.'"
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Jun 23, 2010 02:06
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Why should you drink apple juice? Because O.J. will kill you. Edit: Two peanuts were walking through a park. One was assaulted. KelsoTimebomb has a new favorite as of 02:14 on Jun 23, 2010 |
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Jun 23, 2010 02:11
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Here's a couple that fit your longer style. This first one works well if you draw out the passenger reactions and then calmly cut to the punchline. Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start. The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die." And one more. A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down. The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over: the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What the hell are you doing???" The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "gently caress your canoe!"
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Jun 23, 2010 02:18
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It seems there was this man who was having a terrible time with constant headaches. After months of this his doctor told him he'd finally discovered the problem. You see, the doctor said, your testicles are compressing against the base of your spine and that's the root cause of your headaches. The doctor went on to tell him that the only solution would be to remove the man's testicles. It wasn't an easy decision, but eventually he could stand the pain no longer and went in and had his testicles removed. When he was released from the hospital, he felt like a new man, and decided to go get some new clothes. He went to an upscale shop and picked out some things he liked, and noticed that the tailor never took, or even asked for, his measurements, and said as much. No, the tailor explained, he had an extraordinary eye and never needed to use a tape when sizing up his clients. To prove it he rattled off the man's measurements, in minute detail, all precisely correct. Impressed, the man finished his purchases and started to leave the store, but then turned as he remembered he needed some new underwear. Ah, said the tailor, thirty-six. The man laughed and said he'd been wearing thirty-four since he was in high school. "Oh, you couldn't wear thirty-four, it'd compress your nuts up against the base of your spine and give you these terrible fuckin headaches." A penguin's driving his car through down when all of a sudden black smoke starts pouring out from under his hood. He happens to be passing a mechanic so he pulls in. The mechanic sticks his head out from under the hood of a car and says, "Yeah it'll be a little bit before I can take a look at it." The penguin kicks around the place for a while, flipping through Reader's Digest, but then sees an ice cream shop across the street. he goes over and gets a dish of vanilla, cuz penguins can't really eat a cone with their flippers, so he's goin crazy down in the dish with his beak, makin all sorts of happy noises, ice cream flying, it's pretty funny. Anyway, he goes back to the mechanic and the mechanic sticks his head out from under the hood of a different car, the penguin's car this time, and says, "Well, it looks like you blew a seal." "No, it's just ice cream." Ballsworthy has a new favorite as of 02:50 on Jun 23, 2010 |
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Jun 23, 2010 02:44
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A man on a business trip in Ireland stops at a local pub for some drinks. As he's sitting at the bar, an old Irishman sits down next to him, he does't say anything, just sips his beer and stares at his glass. The businessman lets him be and continues with his drink. After a while, the Irishman leans over and says (kind of slow Irish accent), "Ay, Laddy, 'dyou see the pier down by the water?" "I built it. Laid every timber myself, do they call me Seamus, the pier builder?" The man turns to look at him, "Umm... I don't know, do they?" "No. They Don't." The Irishman turns back to his bear as if nothing had happened. The business doesn't know what to think so he goes back to his drink. A while later, the old man turns back to him and says, "Ay, Laddy, 'dyou see that wall on the edge of town?" "I built it, laid every stone myself, do they call me Seamus, the wall builder?" The businessman turns back again, "...I don't know" "No. They don't" The old man returns to his drink again as if no one else was there. The businessman, more confused now, slowly goes back to his drink. Again, a while later, the old man leans over, "Ay, Laddy, you see this bar here? I made it, carved every piece myself" The businessman admired the intricate carvings on the bar. "Do they call me Seamus, the bar builder?" "No?" "No. They don't, but if you gently caress one goat you get a reputation!"
cmasterflex has a new favorite as of 03:01 on Jun 23, 2010 |
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Jun 23, 2010 02:54
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I've got a few memorized. The first depends entirely on the delivery and how smart your audience is. A woman walked into a bar and ordered a double entendre, so the bartender gave it to her. This one is great for mixed company but seems to only elicit a laugh with people from certain states. A woman was doing some spring cleaning in the house while her husband was away on business and she came across a locked suitcase in the closet she didn't recognize. She remembered that her husband kept a spare set of keys in the garage so she tried them until she found one that opened the suitcase. Inside were three empty beer bottles and around $200 in cash. She was puzzled and concerned that her husband would hide money from her so she set to ask him when he got home. The husband returned home later that week, late one night, and settled into his easy chair with two beers ready to drink. His wife came out of the bedroom and asked him about the case. The husband stammered and hemmed but he finally cracked, weeping as he told her that he'd been cheating on her. "Honey, every time I got out on business, I just can't resist and I usually end up sleeping with one or more women while I'm gone. When I come home, I drink a beer for each woman I've slept with and I put it in the suitcase as a reminder, I've been trying to stop!' The wife is understandably dismayed and appalled. She can't believe it but then she asks why he has money in the suitcase. "Well... er, I return the bottles when the suitcase gets full."
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Jun 23, 2010 03:02
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haha, the canoe and suitcase jokes are awesome
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Jun 23, 2010 03:06
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Me: "My grandfather died in a concentration camp, you know." Other person: "He did?" Me: "Yeah, he fell off of the guard tower." The gratifying part of this one is watching the face of the person you're telling it to as they work through the implications of dying in a concentration camp by falling off the guard tower. It's better if they know me well enough to know that I'm Jewish, which most of them are, because "My grandpa was a nazi!" isn't the kind of thing you break out on a first date.
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Jun 23, 2010 03:22
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Three vampires walk into the bar. The first vampire says, "I'll have a glass of blood". The second vampire says, "I'll also have a glass of blood". The third vampire says, "I'll have a glass of plasma". The bartender says, "Okay...that's two bloods and a blood light".
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Jun 23, 2010 03:48
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What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? Full.
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Jun 23, 2010 03:56
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