Retail Thread: I'M A BALLET DANCER! I HOPE YOU ALL SHIT YOURSELVES TO DEATH!

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Ask/Tell > Business, Finance, and Careers > Retail Thread: I'M A BALLET DANCER! I HOPE YOU ALL SHIT YOURSELVES TO DEATH!

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Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

Star Man posted:

I had a three-month stint at Walmart in my hometown in 2008. I worked in the garden center and spent a lot of time helping people load their trucks at our back gate and getting patio sets out of storage trailers. Around two months in, we had our keys to the gate and trailers taken away because there was a high amount of shrinkage, so management took away our keys as a precaution. Among them were our keys to the trash compactor. Even the store janitor had his taken away. The god drat janitor couldn't take out the trash.

I worked at a Wal-mart at that time, and we had the same thing happen. There was ludicrous shrink, they took all the keys. A few months later, they fired 75% of the overnight associates and the overnight manager. Apparently, they had been sandwiching high-ticket items (TV's, consoles, etc) between pallets and depositing them in the boneyard out back, then retrieving them in the wee hours of the morning. We never did get our keys back.

# ¿ Jan 7, 2016 00:01

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# ¿ Apr 20, 2024 00:12

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

Butyraceous posted:

You'd think they'd have the thought process to go "Hmm, well maybe not these keys."

Whenever corporate policy is involved, thought is not.

# ¿ Jan 7, 2016 09:36

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

Yawgmoth posted:

I escaped the hellscape of retail a couple years ago, but I have a story I think fits here.

I work at an office as the office administrator; I answer the phone, keep everything stocked, direct people where they need to be, and basically keep everything running smoothly. We're situated near several things that have paid parking, and so we had a mounting problem with people parking in our lot and then walking to other places nearby (thus leaving no room for our clients). So we got a tow company to put up signs saying "this is private parking for [address], if your car is towed call [towing] at 867-5309" and they put someone in the lot to tow people who parked and then went anywhere but inside our building.

This, as you can imagine, led to a good number of people coming in and asking where their car went; and I, being a merciful ~~lord~~ deskie, told them. And people would come up with all sorts of wonderful things to say to try to beg/threaten/otherwise cajole me into bringing their car back to them for free. Being that these people were clearly not our clients and were not ever going to be, I was given every retail employee's dream: carte blanche in what to tell these people. Such timeless classics include:
A: It doesn't matter because that would be 5 minutes too many, and B: You're a liar, because unless you're talking about a different beige camry with 13 cat stickers along the rear windshield, that was towed over an hour ago.
Oh really? You didn't see the sign as you come down the main inlet road, the two signs on either side of the entrance (including one just underneath a stop sign), and the sign on the little tree island that marks the beginning of parking spots? Because if you didn't, you shouldn't be driving with such poor eyesight.
Good luck with that. Finding a civil attorney willing to take the case might be tough what with all the concrete evidence of you being a dumbass who can't follow simple instructions, but hope springs eternal.

A couple of notable events: One was a woman who tried literally every sympathy card she could muster. It was her birthday AND she just lost her job AND her mom is sick AND her dog ran away AND she was only there for a minute, couldn't I just say that she worked there and that it was a mistake, pleeeeeeeeeeeeease? No, I won't. That would be a hassle for me and defeat the entire purpose of towing. After about ten minutes of pleading and bullshitting, she sighs, then grabs a business card off the card holder and runs. I see her standing around just on the edge of the lot on her phone, and about 5 minutes after the begging I get a call from said tow company asking if she works there, saying that one of our sales guys is "the boss". I laugh, say no she doesn't work here and he is definitely not the boss. She comes back in all sour-faced with "why can't you just help me out?!" and I tell her to wait outside, but she can keep the card if she wants. She threw it in the trash instead.

The best one by far was the guy who came in several hours after getting towed, in full 90s thug-gangster regalia, claiming he had a work tag and was allowed to park there. Except that he(obviously) didn't, and when asked what his work address was he named something a full block away. Told him he was SOL and to pay attention to the signs next time and he flips his poo poo. Starts accusing me of lying to him about the parking/address, of being racist, of extortion, etc. Then he threatens to "kick [my] rear end" if I don't get his car back, to which I laugh and call 911. He loving waits for the cops to show up and they take him into custody. I give my statement and offer our security camera feed. Last I heard he had some other warrant out for his arrest and wouldn't be leaving the county bed & breakfast for a long while.

This is the best, most heartening retail story I have ever heard.

# ¿ Feb 10, 2016 19:43

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

The deli people at the Walmart near where I live always go over and just round the weight down without being asked. It's pretty nice, actually.

# ¿ Apr 24, 2016 05:57

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamt I was still working for Walmart. I awoke, equal parts terrified and depressed. Truly, it is the Great Fear that sticks with retail employees, even after you've escaped.

# ¿ May 10, 2016 03:33

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

Credit where it's due, when our pharmacy register came up $100 short, Wal-mart didn't even bat an eye. The AM said "I bet I know what happened, watch this" and took out a screwdriver. After removing the till he unscrewed the liner underneath and, lo and behold, there was a $100 bill that had slipped in there somehow.

# ¿ May 29, 2016 20:34

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

I know it sucks, but being able to tell people to get the gently caress out and never come back makes it seem almost worth it.

# ¿ Jul 7, 2016 17:26

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

I have sliced my fingers on new stock bottles of medication countless times. Usually happens when I've opened the bottle, had to look away to answer a question or some other multitasking bullshit, forget that I've opened the bottle, and try to open it again.

# ¿ Aug 2, 2016 04:07

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

The only qualification for a retail stocker is if they think you won't steal enough to affect their bonuses.

Retail management often misjudges this one criterion.

# ¿ Sep 8, 2016 07:54

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

Today felt like Wal-Mart. In the bathroom, someone had sprayed poo poo on the floor, toilet seat, and walls. The tip of the handle of the plunger was also covered in poo poo. My mind shies away from the implications.

# ¿ Sep 28, 2016 05:55

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

And this is why you don't tell anyone where you're going or not going on vacation, and don't answer the phone while on that vacation (unless your sole response is going to be " :lol:

I'm in Maui, deal with it yourselves."

# ¿ Oct 4, 2016 21:35

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

It looks like you're starting to make the same mistakes in your new job that you were making in your old job: you are building a reputation as the fixer, the guy who will pick up the slack for all the shitbirds for no benefit and will interrupt his life to compensate for their failure to plan. You need to consider the consequences of being quietly competent. I don't want to tell you to be a slacker piece of poo poo, but I know you've been down this road before, except instead of bathrooms, now it's freezers.

# ¿ Nov 1, 2016 10:04

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

Cowslips Warren posted:

Aaaaaaaaaaaaanw now motherfucking jury duty summons. For a city an hour away from me.

What the flying tityfucking Christ gently caress. If I have to go in, I'll have to leave my house at like 5am to get to the court near 7am, due to rush hour, and still have an hour or so to kill before the court even opens. And forget getting home before 7pm.

Why the gently caress can the courts throw a jury net a hundred miles wide? Oh, cause we are the largest county in the state? gently caress you! Why can't I at least get a loving summons to the court a mile away, or even downtown? How have I been picked twice in less than ten years when none of my coworkers have once?

I don't know how it works in your state but here in California they let you transfer your jury service to any court you feel like, and you get to show up any day you want within a week of the written date.

Hmm. I used to get a summons every year, but I haven't in the past five years.

# ¿ Nov 6, 2016 05:56

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

cephalopods posted:

Probably similar to the reason customers will go out of their way to stand on the sole remaining filthy patch of floor so I can't finish loving mopping it.

This one may have benign origins; I know I naively tried to stay off the nice clean floor that the janitor has just mopped because I didn't want to mess up his hard work with my dirty shoes. I didn't realize at the time that I was probably getting in their way.

# ¿ Nov 7, 2016 07:41

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

The Lord Bude posted:

Our area manager came in once right before Christmas because he lost a bet with my store manager and his penalty was to be a checkout operator for a day. Spent 8 hours on a checkout.

I refuse to believe your stories. It's like they're coming from some alternate retail dimension where things happen as they should.

# ¿ Nov 24, 2016 17:55

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

NerdyMcNerdNerd posted:

What song on the store radio has been driving you insane this holiday season? Mine is Last Christmas. It has all the substance of jello in a hurricane force wind, and it is about as pleasant- our store had two renditions of it.

They're expecting no traffic through the doors post-Christmas, so everyone's hours have been slashed to the bone. They're completely and utterly hosed if traffic swells.

gently caress that song.

# ¿ Dec 24, 2016 09:23

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

AA is for Quitters posted:

It's funny. My store doesn't punish if you have to call out, but people rarely do anyway. We don't require doctors notes, the only "problem" you face is if you don't have pto you're out those hours. But people come in unless they're dying all the time. Management is usually happy to appreciate the effort, will work with you so you can go home early or do easy stuff, like work in store pickup where you can sit down and no one gives you poo poo for it. It's amazing. We're all way more productive this way.

Soon enough your employer will yield to the siren call of some stupid consultant bullshit like LEAN, and you will receive dictates to realign your workflow to better synergize with industry-leading best practices going forward. Treasure this time while it lasts.

# ¿ Jan 15, 2017 02:37

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

Zenithe posted:

Wouldn't it be many many times easier to replace a truck driver than a baker at short notice?

Flesh units are indistinguishable and interchangeable to the Lord of Spreadsheets. Coincidentally, the relationship between cause and effect remains shrouded in mystery.

# ¿ Mar 26, 2017 02:58

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

Which part is more unbelievable, the eldritch horror customer or an ASM acting like a decent human being?

# ¿ Mar 26, 2017 21:54

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

Anora posted:

With Janitors, at least at the places that can "afford" them now, is that one or two are awesome, but the rest just do nothing. Or at least the day time ones do nothing. At both wal-marts I worked at you'd find the day one in the break room, except at the two times they were cleaning the rest rooms that day (~~usually~~ always at rush hours), the night guys were the ones pushing the brooms and using the waxers. I would routinely wait at a glass spill for over ten minutes for them to grab a broom and pan.

Speaking of Wal-mart, last time I worked at one, I was running into the store for the third or fourth time that day to go grab something not included in an order when I saw an old guy with a US army hat sitting in a power scooter cart, looking troubled. Turned out his cart had run out of power, and he couldn't speak to call for help, even from the three other employees right next to him, putting clothes on a rack, ignoring him. So I went up to him, and told him I'd go and get him a cart, or at least find someone who could (because I was under time obligations to help customers only I could help). Saw an AP guy and told him about it, but decided to go talk to a CSM from upfront, because I didn't know if the AP had other theft related things to deal with. The CSMs response when I told her all this stuff was "Well, it's you problem now." Now that I've been fired from that job, I kind of wish my response had been to yell at her for not helping a disabled vet, when there were 4 other CSMs, and I was the only pick-up guy. Ended up having to drive a powered cart to where the guy was, but the AP guy had already done it (I thanked him later), and then had to explain to another manager why I was driving a powered cart through the store, then had to explain to like 4 customers why it was taking me so long to get their orders ready. gently caress Wal-mart.

The Walmart I escaped had 4 janitors. Two of them were completely useless. One of them, the head janitor, was there from the day the store opened and was damned good at his job, as he had to loving carry the two non-helpers. The last was a quiet, hard worker who always got things done without complaint. He hanged himself, and the next 4 years had only the head janitor to do the work for the whole store. If he wasn't there, it wasn't going to get cleaned until his next shift.

# ¿ Sep 12, 2017 11:41

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

Star Man posted:

I have come to the conclusion that God exists and that he is a retail boss.

Need a "Jesus is my AssMan" bumper sticker.

# ¿ Sep 19, 2017 06:19

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

MC Hawking posted:

I just told 'em that I have their number. I might call 'em to find out some details but the guy is a greaseball.

You've spent a long time getting hosed over while being part of the solution. Maybe it's time to start being part of the problem?

# ¿ Sep 21, 2017 01:53

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

Really need to find a way to slip Sixteen Tons into the store playlist.

# ¿ Oct 2, 2017 04:57

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

Leal posted:

Yeah I ignored it but I just know its gonna come bite me in the rear end.

Like seriously can I have ONE, just ONE, loving time where I have consecutive days off and NOT have to loving worry about my loving phone ringing and having my job, or any coworkers, show up on the caller ID? Just one. Please. Just one loving time is all I need. Why is it every loving time I can actually relax my time off is promptly ruined cause of a loving call in? This call couldn't of happened tomorrow, or thursday. No it had to happen on the first loving day of my 3 day vacation.

This is what retail does. I didn't answer it but the mere fact I was called already fills me with dread and pretty much tanked my mood for the rest of the day. Its so loving frustrating.

E: Holy poo poo now ANOTHER coworker is calling me! Voicemail: I need you to come in tomorrow ot work 1-9 pm.

Hah. gently caress no. I am not going to have a loving roller coaster schedule. So I'm going to have to force myself to stay awake a few extra hours tonight, come in tomorrow to work a schedule I hate working, then have to promptly sleep after getting off work that day cause I need to be asleep 5 pm the day after on my "day off" to come in 3 am friday. No no no no gently caress you guys

Don't loving go. Make it clear that you turn off your phone on your scheduled days off and that you're nobody's bitch.

# ¿ Oct 10, 2017 22:12

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

Leal posted:

They're still trying to get me and have started sending texts. The big emergency that requires loving up my weekend? Someone did a no call no show today and so they got suspended. I would put an emote here for my reaction but I don't think there is one.

All I know is that I've been feeling progressively more sick as the day as gone on so for all I know I'll be waking up tomorrow with a headache and sore muscles on top of my runny nose and scratchy throat and can get a doctor to give me a note saying "let him have his day off you fucks"

Turn off your phone. Their problems are not your problems. You owe them nothing, and if they are upset, it's not your fault, it's their fault. They have other options than to drag you in on your day off, they are just too lazy to exercise them because they expect you to compensate for their failures to staff adequately.

# ¿ Oct 11, 2017 02:43

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

I keep having a dream, maybe twice a year, where I�ve enrolled in college again and oh god I have to get everything packed and then holy poo poo I don�t live there anymore I need to drive 800 miles to get there, wait poo poo which dorm am I in, did I get all my classes, wait gently caress I have no money I can�t afford this!

# ¿ Jan 9, 2018 07:15

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

Pentaghastly posted:

I've been trying to cut back on sugar lately because I've realized since working here that I actually do have a huge sweet tooth and that's not ideal. I was confused that my face has been breaking out and graciously accepting a day old doughnut from the pastry case every night doesn't help that at all. I dont even want to know how many calories that thing has. Work isn't that terrible that I have to self medicate with sugar.

Anyway I've been training myself on taking my coffee without any sugar and just a little 2% in the morning. Water is a given at work and iced teas are good unsweetened but sometimes I need a kick. I'm just going to start ordering a doppio with an ice cube and throwing it back before I clock in.

Really makes you hurt when you think about people that order fraps and white mochas with extra whip everyday (nonfat milk pls)

I stopped buying soda a year ago. Now I drink iced tea or Gatorade. Every now and then when I�m eating out for dinner I�ll have a coke and it shocks me how ridiculously sweet it is. I used to drink two liters of that liquid sugar bomb every day. I feel so much better now.

# ¿ Mar 2, 2018 04:19

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

I always tip cash so the waitstaff can under-report their tips if they want to.

# ¿ May 30, 2018 23:51

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

At my pharmacy there is one customer who pays for the entire monthly payroll for the pharmacy with just the profit margin on one of her monthly prescriptions. She is the nicest lady and has never given us any problems. We pander to her relentlessly, and we�re happy to do it. The assholes who treat us like slaves are basically paying us nothing compared to her.

# ¿ Jun 11, 2018 16:13

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

Clearly you need to prioritize and multitask better. The problem isn�t the task, it�s you! At least according to one of my idiot staff pharmacists, who repeats that poo poo like a mantra in the most condescending tones imaginable when techs try to explain to her that they can�t be answering phones and helping three different patients and filing and filling and processing immunization paperwork all at the same time, and that trying to do everything just means that nothing is completed in a satisfactory fashion, and maybe she should try to do something, anything at all maybe.

# ¿ Jun 12, 2018 07:35

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

MC Hawking posted:

Stores actually train people on registers instead of expecting them to figure it out on the fly? :woah:

Train as in �pulling a train on,� not learning skills.

# ¿ Jul 7, 2018 19:28

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

The Lord Bude posted:

Is it weird that I've always wanted a retail management video game to play? Like a theme supermarket; complete with bullfrog level humour.

Syndicate exists, though? It even has a self-destruct button.

# ¿ Sep 17, 2018 05:45

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

I had not thought I could ever see more of a wreck than the Wal-Mart I used to work at. Those pictures are... bracing.

# ¿ Oct 1, 2018 09:07

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

ijii posted:

Which is why I'm hopefully going to step down to a position that is no longer a classification. The $2 bump in pay is not worth all the BS I have to deal with.

Speaking of which, our grand reopening is done and over with. Stress all the way to the end, did like 3 +12 hour shifts this week. Someone called out sick every drat day. I was beat. This next Thanksgiving week will be a breeze compared to this week.

Somewhere, a finger on a monkey�s paw curls. A chill wind blows past, sounding for all the world like sinister laughter.

# ¿ Nov 17, 2018 02:54

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

UZworm posted:

I always found it odd how easy it seemed to be when I worked at Walgreens to get transfers set up; people seemed to do it successfully all the time there and I very nearly did myself one time.

Not anymore. Idiot store managers drink the consultant koolaid and rule their shitheaps with an iron fist. No one escapes.

# ¿ Nov 22, 2018 22:48

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

I often imagine customers being devoured by wolves. It helps.

# ¿ Nov 24, 2018 09:18

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

Dropped my 2 weeks today and will hopefully never have to work retail pharmacy ever again. Hallelujah. Of the other four techs I work with, one is leaving with me and the other three are pregnant and will be leaving on maternity leave starting in a week. The pharmacy manager is strongly considering coming with us, too. This whole store is going down in flames.

# ¿ Dec 1, 2018 04:53

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

Management has finally become aware of just how hosed they are and are offering technicians from other stores significant raises if they transfer to our dumpster fire. Gee, maybe they should have thought of that before they pissed off everyone here enough to leave? Nobody is biting. The end approaches.

# ¿ Dec 6, 2018 02:56

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

I have been a week free from retail. Life is so very, very good. Making another $500 a week over my previous job and I never have to speak to or encounter a customer ever again.

# ¿ Dec 21, 2018 23:26

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# ¿ Apr 20, 2024 00:12

Preechr: May 19, 2009; Proud member of the Pony-Brony Alliance for Obama as President

Well, this only really applies to retail pharmacy workers, but try and find openings in non-retail pharmacies. Mail order pharmacies are popping up all over the place these days. Despite what people may tell you, there are positions in them that are not the hapless phone bank operators that still have to deal with customers. I could have left years ago to do what I do now but I didn't realize that you didn't have to be a customer service slave at a mail order. Get hired for fulfillment, or insurance, etc. Actually, if you don't have a tech license, you can still work in a mail order pharmacy as a clerk and make a hell of a lot more money than you could in retail while basically staying in the warehouse all day. Hospital inpatient pharmacies also seldom deal with patients directly, but positions are more limited, and there exists the very real possibility of accidentally killing the poo poo out of someone if you make a mistake.

Preechr fucked around with this message at 00:16 on Dec 22, 2018

# ¿ Dec 22, 2018 00:14

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Ask/Tell > Business, Finance, and Careers > Retail Thread: I'M A BALLET DANCER! I HOPE YOU ALL SHIT YOURSELVES TO DEATH!

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