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The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > The Ray Parlour > The neverending Weekend Web thread for bad posts about football
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trem_two
Oct 22, 2002

it is better if you keep saying I'm fat, as I will continue to score goals
Fun Shoe
https://twitter.com/talks_michael/status/1760602939758874715

* # ? Feb 22, 2024 20:18
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# ? Apr 20, 2024 15:49
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vyelkin
Jan 2, 2011
 Barney Ronay is out of control. This is, somehow, the opening of an article about football:

quote:

The Middle-Aged Serial Action Murder Epic has been one of the most popular movie types of the last 50 years. These films tend to have the same basic setup, which is middle-aged men repeatedly murdering the thing they’re anxious about.

For many years this was simply Nazis. A group of men, occasionally disguised in Nazi uniforms – nuance: fear that deep down they actually are Nazis – slaughter thousands of endlessly replicating Nazi soldiers and everyone feels good about this.

The Taken films were popular because they showed a middle-aged man repeatedly murdering his own feelings of no longer being useful. Liam Neeson dramatised brilliantly the sense that while you, a middle-aged man, may spend your time driving around sombrely in a family estate car, you are still utterly vital to the correct functioning of the world because nobody else out there knows how to stack the dishwasher properly or seal a leaking shower tray; that we are only ever a second away from a tearful life or death call because no one else has your very specific set of skills on how to restart the wifi router (“Listen carefully to what I’m about to say … ”).

In recent years Jason Statham has dominated the genre. Statham’s key skill is murdering the alarming and indeterminate future, as represented on screen by yacht-dwelling international power-brokers and their slick and flashy goons. But really this is global elites, modernity, Ulez cameras, the cash-free economy, new lightbulbs, stuff that means you can’t get anyone on the phone any more but have to download an app.

By contrast Statham is analogue, petrol-driven, bald but still ripped and handsome. Often he’s called things like The Roofer or The Tiler. In his latest film he’s The Beekeeper. He has a workshop where he makes things with his hands. His mission is to murder a whiney douchebag crypto bro who’s making the world worse by harvesting data or some internet poo poo. Statham shoots him in the head in front of his mother.

A bit earlier he also encounters another younger beekeeper (“So, you’re my replacement”) who is glamorous, female and dressed in purple (optics: woke), and briefly it seems like a mouthwatering new adversary has arrived. But she’s only on screen for two minutes before Statham throws her against a petrol pump and burns her to death. Statham is murdering the future. So men can still have sheds. And this feels good.
* # ? Mar 23, 2024 13:59
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Butterfly Valley
Apr 19, 2007

I am a spectacularly bad poster and everyone in the Schadenfreude thread hates my guts.
I wonder how insufferable he is irl

* # ? Mar 23, 2024 14:07
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the sex ghost
Sep 6, 2009
 Waiting patiently for the build up to the end where he links it to idk Chelsea's transfer policy and then just doesn't. Lmao

* # ? Mar 23, 2024 14:10
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cagliostr0
Jun 8, 2020

Butterfly Valley posted:

I wonder how insufferable he is irl

Turn off your monitor and all will be revealed

* # ? Mar 24, 2024 00:57
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Brendan Rodgers
Jun 11, 2014

* # ? Mar 27, 2024 17:36
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Sandwolf
Jan 23, 2007

i'll be harpo


 Harry Kane

* # ? Mar 27, 2024 17:37
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Thanks Ants
May 21, 2004

#essereFerrari


 He's just reposted some poo poo from a whatsapp group hasn't he. Awful.

* # ? Mar 27, 2024 17:42
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the sex ghost
Sep 6, 2009
 Jordan Genderson is much neater. Just sloppy work all round

Also 77 likes lmao. Turns out calling radio presenters nonces on twitter is not the lucrative side gig it appeared to be

* # ? Mar 27, 2024 17:45
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Shrapnig
Jan 21, 2005

 As a connoisseur of rivals.com-style puns that's a very poor effort although Jude Bellinghomosexual made me chuckle with how lazy it is

* # ? Mar 27, 2024 17:47
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Sandwolf
Jan 23, 2007

i'll be harpo

Shrapnig posted:

As a connoisseur of rivals.com-style puns that's a very poor effort although Jude Bellinghomosexual made me chuckle with how lazy it is

Luka BLModric

* # ? Mar 27, 2024 17:48
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Thanks Ants
May 21, 2004

#essereFerrari


 This but it's announcing Jordan Henderson in the squad for the Euros

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtllWIiOTuA

* # ? Mar 27, 2024 17:49
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vyelkin
Jan 2, 2011

Shrapnig posted:

As a connoisseur of rivals.com-style puns that's a very poor effort although Jude Bellinghomosexual made me chuckle with how lazy it is

I appreciate the simplicity of Gaymar Jr. but that's about it

* # ? Mar 27, 2024 18:04
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Her Dryer
Oct 15, 2012
 Imagining someone crying with laughter reading these and sharing it with all their friends, red faced and cackling. Actual dog brained stuff.

* # ? Mar 27, 2024 18:13
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FullLeatherJacket
Dec 30, 2004

Chiunque può essere Luther Blissett, semplicemente adottando il nome Luther Blissett

the sex ghost posted:

Jordan Genderson is much neater. Just sloppy work all round

Also 77 likes lmao. Turns out calling radio presenters nonces on twitter is not the lucrative side gig it appeared to be

I had to go back and check who posted it, jesus wept

Why couldn't he just slip slowly towards wandering the streets in an open dressing gown and trying to involve himself in an active manhunt, like a normal person having a mental breakdown

* # ? Mar 27, 2024 19:24
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jesus WEP
Oct 17, 2004

Sandwolf posted:

Harry Kane
* # ? Mar 27, 2024 23:26
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McFlurry Fan #1
Dec 31, 2005

He can't kill me. I'm indestructible. Everybody knows that

 The famously woke sentiment 'ACAB'

Whats Panit Xhaka? Something on pansexuality?

* # ? Apr 1, 2024 20:07
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# ? Apr 20, 2024 15:49
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Jose
Jul 24, 2007

Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer
https://twitter.com/nocontextfooty/status/1776508560899281150?t=DWrZi5pnhFF4FIAM98MYPw&s=19

* # ? Apr 6, 2024 08:20
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The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > The Ray Parlour > The neverending Weekend Web thread for bad posts about football
«‹›383 »