Breadgunner: A Mercenary's Tale.

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Breadgunner: A Mercenary's Tale.

ursa_minor: Oct 17, 2006; I'm hella in tents.

Nobody chooses to be a Breadgunner. Who would? No, no, it's the type of occupation that finds you. No matter how hard you run, no matter how hard you hide.
We all know human nature, and we all know some of us are drawn to the darker side of bread, like inverse-moths to a lightbulb that gives off darkness instead of normal light even though it's been turned on. The lightbulb is supposed to do that. It's expected to give off darkness, and it doesn't even weird out the people who installed it. It's a slippery slope that they've greased themselves. One day you're practicing kneading drills in your Mom's basement, the next day you're teaching teenaged rebels in B.F.E. how to bury roadside bagels for dirty money. It happens so fast, like a really fast fever dream that seems to take forever...

I've been hired by governments, secret government agencies, secret governments, secret agencies, NASCAR teams, secret NASCAR teams, and even Japanese people. It's all covert; even the secret stuff. However, when you're in my business, the Press is a necessary evil, a monkey on your back, a bird in your coffee. Constantly present like some sort of gnat that is always buzzing around your head, but is also somehow keeping your head from blowing apart via some unexplained physical anomaly. Maybe it's gravity. Maybe it's real life.

Anyways, I've got quite the picture album under my belt. Let me show you some.

Here I am during the Danish Coup of 2009, providing suppressing fire for my fellow Mercenaries as our enemies run for their lives.

The taste of war is always in my mouth, a scent in my striped socks; but in war's off-season, I sometimes donate my time and unique skills to various NASCAR teams. NASCAR teams in need. One has to set side aside time for humanitarian efforts.

Back in the 1990s I was heavily involved in paramilitary activities in the Middle East. We were fighting a fairly organized and well armed military that appeared to have no national ties, but a strict dogmatic code. I never met my Japanese benefactors, but I also never met a better squad.
Strangely, my memory of those times are somewhat grainy.

Maybe you've caught glimpses of me over the years. Heck, I'm sure quite a few photos of me exist out there in the ether. I even have more myself, but I'm more interested in what you've got. When you've spent a better part of your adult life as a breadgunner, you don't have enough time not to be a narcissist. As yeast is to bread, ego is to a Breadgunner. It keeps us fresh. Keeps us alive.

Let's see what you've got.

# ? Jan 22, 2011 08:17

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Sep 11, 2024 01:04

Incomprehensible: Jun 22, 2010; In the dark, it all looks the same.

I seem to remember a young Breadgunner who had aspirations to be the first in space.

They say your dough still holds the most important pieces together. And if you squint JUST hard enough into the dark, night sky, you can see it. Rising.

EDIT: Oh! You were also really great in that one movie!

# ? Jan 22, 2011 09:17

less than three: Aug 9, 2007; Fallen Rib

I am vaguely intrigued.

# ? Jan 22, 2011 09:50

CmdrChicken: Jun 16, 2008; SEA PATROL!

When I was young it was the height of the Vietnam war, my parents would turn on the television every evening and on the news we'd see the war in our very own home, and for all these years I would ask myself if something seemed a little unusual.

And not until today do I now know what I didn't for so long. Our country is in debt to you, wherever you may be.

# ? Jan 22, 2011 10:10

SlightButSteady: Sep 13, 2007; Soiled Meat

I'm reminded a little bit of the protests at the time and ultimately, The Bread State Massacre. Just couldn't imagine it happening today

e: resized.

# ? Jan 22, 2011 11:07

ursa_minor: Oct 17, 2006; I'm hella in tents.

less than three posted:

I am vaguely intrigued.

# ? Jan 22, 2011 11:18

Nuclear Pogostick: Apr 9, 2007; Bouncing towards victory

# ? Jan 22, 2011 12:45

origami manatee: Oct 21, 2010; I made food

First you had to research Chemistry at a University and then Breadgunning at a Bakery, but the payoff was great!

# ? Jan 22, 2011 12:54

Big Ol Billy: Aug 12, 2007; Pays as good as money!

Count me intrigued as well. Here's a cutout of the noble hero for anyone that wants it:

# ? Jan 22, 2011 14:08

HighClassSwankyTime: Jan 16, 2004

nice socks

# ? Jan 22, 2011 14:20

Big Ol Billy: Aug 12, 2007; Pays as good as money!

Meanwhile on a top-secret research facility orbiting Mars...

# ? Jan 22, 2011 14:42

Bloody Hedgehog: Dec 12, 2003; 💥💥🤯💥💥
Gotta nuke something

# ? Jan 22, 2011 14:42

melaQuit: Mar 3, 2008; Sooo glad

# ? Jan 22, 2011 14:46

Big Ol Billy: Aug 12, 2007; Pays as good as money!

Someone had to do it...

# ? Jan 22, 2011 14:58

Holy Doughnuts!: Oct 20, 2010; Sergeant Butterman, the little hand says it's time to rock and roll.

Noble Seven was the bravest of them all. He fell defending Harvest.

# ? Jan 22, 2011 15:14

saladin: Jan 31, 2009; Hey pussy

Breadgunners need down time too:

:nws:

https://wi.somethingawful.com/8a/8ae4419c59bd68e1ba8a9ec1c7f4b002954c6c0e.jpg :nws:

# ? Jan 22, 2011 15:16

TC_: Mar 17, 2006; Party time!!

Bloody Hedgehog posted:

Noooo not Breadgunner! :ohdear:

# ? Jan 22, 2011 16:22

Everdraed: Sep 7, 2003; _{spankety, spankety, spankety}

Ugh, nothing but a nuisance those Breadgunners. I remember seeing one as a child and I still have nightmares. I'll never forget that deep, monotone voice...

YOUR LOAVES, GIVE DEM TO ME. :qq:

# ? Jan 22, 2011 16:32

TheMaskedUgly: Sep 21, 2008; Let's play a different game.

Why does this subject spawn the best first page of ps threads in recent memory?

# ? Jan 22, 2011 16:50

Jeremor: Jun 1, 2009

It's easy for many to forget that the breadgunner was not just a heartless doughy killing machine, he also helped save lives every day with various volunteer services.

Let no innocent bread be baked before it's time, believed the Breadgunner.

# ? Jan 22, 2011 16:54

Facechild: May 26, 2008

Everdraed posted:

Ugh, nothing but a nuisance those Breadgunners. I remember seeing one as a child and I still have nightmares. I'll never forget that deep, monotone voice...

YOUR LOAVES, GIVE DEM TO ME.

This deserves my 5. Thank you goon sir.

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ? Jan 22, 2011 16:58

A LOVELY LAD: Feb 8, 2006; Hey man, wanna hear a secret?; College Slice

It is the privates duty to inform you that the bread private Pyle is holding is both warm and buttered sir!

# ? Jan 22, 2011 17:06

Douche Wolf 89: Dec 9, 2010; World Number 1 Breakdancer

Everdraed posted:

This is fantastic.

Facechild posted:

This deserves my 5. Thank you goon sir.

This is terrible.

# ? Jan 22, 2011 17:11

StrungOutFlip: Mar 17, 2009; Alright guys, lets shoot the stars...ohhh you just killed every star!

# ? Jan 22, 2011 17:33

Rocket Man: May 2, 2007; One of these days, Alice ... BANG! ZOOM! Straight to the moon!

Many people don't realize just how influential Breadgunner was. Breadgunner, and his unique yeast-based combat style, was adapted and adopted by many well-known freedom fighters and defenders. The melee applications proved especially effective in anti-extraterrestrial missions.

# ? Jan 22, 2011 17:48

PepperSinclaire: Jan 21, 2007; But everyone's doooing it!

Breadgunner also spent some time filling for the long-time Iron Maiden guitarist Janick Gers. His constant attempts to sneak bread-based lyrics into the songs wore on Bruce Dickinson, who eventually had Breadgunner removed from the group.

# ? Jan 22, 2011 17:59

HighClassSwankyTime: Jan 16, 2004

saladin posted:

Breadgunners need down time too:

https://wi.somethingawful.com/8a/8ae4419c59bd68e1ba8a9ec1c7f4b002954c6c0e.jpg

whats not NWS about that

# ? Jan 22, 2011 18:00

TC_: Mar 17, 2006; Party time!!

HighClassSwankyTime posted:

whats not NWS about that

It's a pretty obvious dick joke, and some of us work in conservative places or use company computers.

# ? Jan 22, 2011 18:17

beer_attack: Aug 25, 2010

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ? Jan 22, 2011 18:25

Diet Coke: Jun 11, 2010

edit:

Everdraed posted:

This is amazing.

# ? Jan 22, 2011 19:03

Arse Porn Cage: Oct 9, 2003

Everdraed posted:

Ugh, nothing but a nuisance those Breadgunners. I remember seeing one as a child and I still have nightmares. I'll never forget that deep, monotone voice...

YOUR LOAVES, GIVE DEM TO ME.

Brilliant! The dinner rolls falling out of the box are a nice touch.

Big Ol Billy posted:

Meanwhile on a top-secret research facility orbiting Mars...

It still has the original Doom guy's face at the bottom. Unfortunately no one has seen Breadgunner's face and lived to tell about it.

# ? Jan 22, 2011 19:05

dee eight: Dec 18, 2002; The Spirit
of Maynard

I've zero photoshop skill but I'd dearly love to see breadgunner cast as a plastic army man. Also a breadgunner/judo hobo team-up.

# ? Jan 22, 2011 19:32

Forti: May 5, 2009

Typically, Breadgunner enjoys his spare time in dangerous fashion.

One time, we were hanging by a single piton 2,000 feet up. Sheer rock all the way down. I told him to cut the rope, save himself, but he didn't. He held on, saved us both. I suppose that's just how he rolls.

# ? Jan 22, 2011 19:40

WHERE MY HAT IS AT: Jan 7, 2011

The breadgunner is rumored to have had a hand in the planning of Operation Breadstone

edited to make sense.

# ? Jan 22, 2011 19:56

Rocket Man: May 2, 2007; One of these days, Alice ... BANG! ZOOM! Straight to the moon!

During his illustrious career, Breadgunner has served with some of the most (in)famous personalities in American history.

(I would love to see someone with actual Photoshop/GIMP skills actually do this well; source image is at http://www.posterswholesale.com/product/id/105294/Movie-Gangster-Montage)

# ? Jan 22, 2011 20:13