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ursa_minor
Oct 17, 2006

I'm hella in tents.


Nobody chooses to be a Breadgunner. Who would? No, no, it's the type of occupation that finds you. No matter how hard you run, no matter how hard you hide.
We all know human nature, and we all know some of us are drawn to the darker side of bread, like inverse-moths to a lightbulb that gives off darkness instead of normal light even though it's been turned on. The lightbulb is supposed to do that. It's expected to give off darkness, and it doesn't even weird out the people who installed it. It's a slippery slope that they've greased themselves. One day you're practicing kneading drills in your Mom's basement, the next day you're teaching teenaged rebels in B.F.E. how to bury roadside bagels for dirty money. It happens so fast, like a really fast fever dream that seems to take forever...

I've been hired by governments, secret government agencies, secret governments, secret agencies, NASCAR teams, secret NASCAR teams, and even Japanese people. It's all covert; even the secret stuff. However, when you're in my business, the Press is a necessary evil, a monkey on your back, a bird in your coffee. Constantly present like some sort of gnat that is always buzzing around your head, but is also somehow keeping your head from blowing apart via some unexplained physical anomaly. Maybe it's gravity. Maybe it's real life.

Anyways, I've got quite the picture album under my belt. Let me show you some.

Here I am during the Danish Coup of 2009, providing suppressing fire for my fellow Mercenaries as our enemies run for their lives.


The taste of war is always in my mouth, a scent in my striped socks; but in war's off-season, I sometimes donate my time and unique skills to various NASCAR teams. NASCAR teams in need. One has to set side aside time for humanitarian efforts.


Back in the 1990s I was heavily involved in paramilitary activities in the Middle East. We were fighting a fairly organized and well armed military that appeared to have no national ties, but a strict dogmatic code. I never met my Japanese benefactors, but I also never met a better squad.
Strangely, my memory of those times are somewhat grainy.


Maybe you've caught glimpses of me over the years. Heck, I'm sure quite a few photos of me exist out there in the ether. I even have more myself, but I'm more interested in what you've got. When you've spent a better part of your adult life as a breadgunner, you don't have enough time not to be a narcissist. As yeast is to bread, ego is to a Breadgunner. It keeps us fresh. Keeps us alive.

Let's see what you've got.

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Incomprehensible
Jun 22, 2010

In the dark, it all looks the same.

I seem to remember a young Breadgunner who had aspirations to be the first in space.



They say your dough still holds the most important pieces together. And if you squint JUST hard enough into the dark, night sky, you can see it. Rising.

EDIT: Oh! You were also really great in that one movie!

less than three
Aug 9, 2007




Fallen Rib

I am vaguely intrigued.

CmdrChicken
Jun 16, 2008

SEA PATROL!


When I was young it was the height of the Vietnam war, my parents would turn on the television every evening and on the news we'd see the war in our very own home, and for all these years I would ask myself if something seemed a little unusual.



And not until today do I now know what I didn't for so long. Our country is in debt to you, wherever you may be.

SlightButSteady
Sep 13, 2007



Soiled Meat

I'm reminded a little bit of the protests at the time and ultimately, The Bread State Massacre. Just couldn't imagine it happening today



e: resized.

ursa_minor
Oct 17, 2006

I'm hella in tents.


less than three posted:

I am vaguely intrigued.

Nuclear Pogostick
Apr 9, 2007

Bouncing towards victory


origami manatee
Oct 21, 2010

I made food




First you had to research Chemistry at a University and then Breadgunning at a Bakery, but the payoff was great!

Big Ol Billy
Aug 12, 2007
Pays as good as money!

Count me intrigued as well. Here's a cutout of the noble hero for anyone that wants it:

HighClassSwankyTime
Jan 16, 2004



nice socks

Big Ol Billy
Aug 12, 2007
Pays as good as money!

Meanwhile on a top-secret research facility orbiting Mars...

Bloody Hedgehog
Dec 12, 2003

Gotta nuke something


melaQuit
Mar 3, 2008

Sooo glad

Big Ol Billy
Aug 12, 2007
Pays as good as money!

Someone had to do it...

Holy Doughnuts!
Oct 20, 2010

Sergeant Butterman, the little hand says it's time to rock and roll.




Noble Seven was the bravest of them all. He fell defending Harvest.

saladin
Jan 31, 2009

Hey pussy


Breadgunners need down time too:

http://img.waffleimages.com/8ae4419...c0e/funtime.jpg

TC_
Mar 17, 2006

Party time!!


Bloody Hedgehog posted:



Noooo not Breadgunner!

Everdraed
Sep 7, 2003

spankety, spankety, spankety


Ugh, nothing but a nuisance those Breadgunners. I remember seeing one as a child and I still have nightmares. I'll never forget that deep, monotone voice...



YOUR LOAVES, GIVE DEM TO ME.

TheMaskedUgly
Sep 21, 2008

Let's play a different game.

Why does this subject spawn the best first page of ps threads in recent memory?

Jeremor
Jun 1, 2009

Anyone foolish enough to stand in my path...
shall endure the pain of a thousand deaths...


It's easy for many to forget that the breadgunner was not just a heartless doughy killing machine, he also helped save lives every day with various volunteer services.


Let no innocent bread be baked before it's time, believed the Breadgunner.

Facechild
May 26, 2008


Everdraed posted:

Ugh, nothing but a nuisance those Breadgunners. I remember seeing one as a child and I still have nightmares. I'll never forget that deep, monotone voice...



YOUR LOAVES, GIVE DEM TO ME.

This deserves my 5. Thank you goon sir.

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

A LOVELY LAD
Feb 8, 2006

Hey man, wanna hear a secret?



College Slice



It is the privates duty to inform you that the bread private Pyle is holding is both warm and buttered sir!

Douche Wolf 89
Dec 9, 2010



Everdraed posted:


This is fantastic.

Facechild posted:

This deserves my 5. Thank you goon sir.
This is terrible.

StrungOutFlip
Mar 17, 2009

Alright guys, lets shoot the stars...ohhh you just killed every star!


Rocket Man
May 2, 2007

One of these days, Alice ... BANG! ZOOM! Straight to the moon!


Many people don't realize just how influential Breadgunner was. Breadgunner, and his unique yeast-based combat style, was adapted and adopted by many well-known freedom fighters and defenders. The melee applications proved especially effective in anti-extraterrestrial missions.

PepperSinclaire
Jan 21, 2007

But everyone's doooing it!


Breadgunner also spent some time filling for the long-time Iron Maiden guitarist Janick Gers. His constant attempts to sneak bread-based lyrics into the songs wore on Bruce Dickinson, who eventually had Breadgunner removed from the group.

HighClassSwankyTime
Jan 16, 2004



saladin posted:

Breadgunners need down time too:

http://img.waffleimages.com/8ae4419...c0e/funtime.jpg

whats not NWS about that

TC_
Mar 17, 2006

Party time!!


HighClassSwankyTime posted:

whats not NWS about that

It's a pretty obvious dick joke, and some of us work in conservative places or use company computers.

beer_attack
Aug 24, 2010




(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

Diet Coke
Jun 11, 2010





edit:

Everdraed posted:



This is amazing.

Arse Porn Cage
Oct 9, 2003



Everdraed posted:

Ugh, nothing but a nuisance those Breadgunners. I remember seeing one as a child and I still have nightmares. I'll never forget that deep, monotone voice...



YOUR LOAVES, GIVE DEM TO ME.
Brilliant! The dinner rolls falling out of the box are a nice touch.

Big Ol Billy posted:

Meanwhile on a top-secret research facility orbiting Mars...


It still has the original Doom guy's face at the bottom. Unfortunately no one has seen Breadgunner's face and lived to tell about it.

dee eight
Dec 18, 2002

The Spirit
of Maynard



I've zero photoshop skill but I'd dearly love to see breadgunner cast as a plastic army man. Also a breadgunner/judo hobo team-up.

Forti
May 5, 2009



Typically, Breadgunner enjoys his spare time in dangerous fashion.



One time, we were hanging by a single piton 2,000 feet up. Sheer rock all the way down. I told him to cut the rope, save himself, but he didn't. He held on, saved us both. I suppose that's just how he rolls.

WHERE MY HAT IS AT
Jan 7, 2011


The breadgunner is rumored to have had a hand in the planning of Operation Breadstone

edited to make sense.

Rocket Man
May 2, 2007

One of these days, Alice ... BANG! ZOOM! Straight to the moon!


During his illustrious career, Breadgunner has served with some of the most (in)famous personalities in American history.



(I would love to see someone with actual Photoshop/GIMP skills actually do this well; source image is at http://www.posterswholesale.com/pro...angster-Montage)

Ensign Expendable
Nov 11, 2008

Lager beer is proof that god loves us


Pillbug

Arse Porn Cage
Oct 9, 2003



Ensign Expendable posted:


Quantum of bread? Baguette of solace?

DarkSol
May 18, 2006

Gee, I wish we had one of them doomsday machines.

Arse Porn Cage posted:

Quantum of bread? Baguette of solace?

Quantum of Sourdough.

Chernabog
Apr 16, 2007



dee eight posted:

I've zero photoshop skill but I'd dearly love to see breadgunner cast as a plastic army man. Also a breadgunner/judo hobo team-up.



Maybe I'll turn all the cops into army men too later. If I'm feeling like it.

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Aye-Aye
Jan 23, 2007

We've become more monster than monkey.


Chernabog posted:

Maybe I'll turn all the cops into army men too later. If I'm feeling like it.

Just make them tan. Breads natural target.

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