Terrible Fantasy Book Covers

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Anony Mouse: Jan 30, 2005; A name means nothing on the battlefield. After a week, no one has a name.; Lipstick Apathy

We've all seen them. Fantasy book covers that make you stop and say, "what the gently caress?" Covers that look like they were painted by the fat chick who runs the dragon/wolf/fairy art table at the local anime convention. I weep for the author who finally gets their book published, only to have an atrocity like these slapped on the face of them.

So, let's judge some books by their covers.

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Ah yes, the thrilling tale of a hero and his two ugly friends, on their epic quest to ride horses in front of a castle, waving a pennant that on first glance appears to be an American flag. I can't imagine this book reads as anything other than a D&D campaign written by high-schoolers, and the description on the back cover doesn't help its case:

"Two hundred years ago the gentle paladin Procursus sacrificed his life to free the land of Vedette from a foul dragon. Now his descendant, Aitchley Corlaiys, has been chosen to restore the endangered land to greatness."

Ah yes, the time-honored tradition of giving things names that have never been used before, anywhere, ever. You know, to make it unique. Doesn't "Aitchley Corlaiys" just roll off the tongue? "Procursus" as the name for the Ancient Hero of Legend has to be the most transparent thing I've ever read.

Let's take a closer look at our brave warriors:

Matthew Broderick, the B-list movie actor, moonlights as Aitchley Corlaiys, the B-list fantasy hero. I hope he's better at slaying dragons than he is at booking good movie roles.

I always wondered what happened to Hoggle after Labyrinth. By the look on his face, I'd guess that his Thong of Insurmountable Binding is giving him a Level 4 wedgie.

Who the hell is this guy? If you're going to bring a dwarf on a quest, at least bring a buff, burly dwarf with a real beard an an axe, not this Joey Fatone look-alike wimp. Judging by his choice of side-kicks, our hero Aitchley ranks somewhere between LARPers and the bleached skeletons real heroes pass by on their way into the villain's evil lair.

Let's move on to the next book in this trilogy:

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Looks less like a party of adventurers going on a quest, and more like a group of renn-faire rejects going trick-or-treating. Why is the hot blond not wearing any shoes? If you're going to trek to a forbidding castle littered with impaled skulls, you could at least stop by a 7/11 and pick up some flip-flops.

"Aitchley Corlaiys's powers are growing, and they have never been needed more than now. The brigand Harris Blind-Eye has escaped - with the lovely Berlyn as his hostage. He has stolen the mysterious alchemical necklace Aitchley risked his life to recover. He wields the magical shield of Aitchley's ancestor, the great Procursus. Everything Aitchley has ever held dear - everything that might lead him to the elusive Elixir of Life - is in the hands of Harris Blind-Eye."

I dunno, but based on that, it sounds like Harris is the real hero here, seeing as how he's already got all the required duds. Aitchley seems more like a self-entitled douche who's trying to steal from a disabled blind guy so he can drink the Elixir of Life. Probably won't even share it, either. Douche.

Matthew Broderick was unavailable for questing, so they brought in Adam West from circa 1960 instead. For the record, the same person did all of these covers (credited simply as "Maren") so I'm not sure why the main hero has had plastic surgery between novels.

Our hero traded in Hoggle for something with tits. Typical scantily-clad fantasy blond, she probably gets rescued by the hero, starts off hating his guts, until she gets a look at his Longsword of Extra Deep Stabbing and changes her mind.

Nega-dwarf is back, holding his dagger like he's about to cut some bread with it. Apparently they couldn't find any clothes to fit him, so the hero gave him his spare extra-large tunic and said "gently caress it, just wear this. Yeah, you look good in it. No really you do, trust me."

Finally, the epic conclusion:

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Our hero and his band of lackeys turn to grave robbing to pay the bills. Seems like kind of a secluded place for a Lenin-style glass coffin. Was dead insect dude here expecting bands of adventurers to raid his tomb daily? Well if they're going to drop by, they might as well have a look at your dessicated corpse. Instead, they're ignoring the mummy and staring at something out of view. Judging by the Geiger-esque hallway behind them, maybe it's a BDSM torture chamber.

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Aitchley is now at his most manly-looking. Token love interest drops the pretense of even carrying an axe, and now clings uselessly to his arm. Nega-dwarf has a foot for a hand, but at least he found some good-fitting clothes.

Well, that's I all I got. This is clearly the tip of the iceberg for terrible fantasy book covers, though. I dare you guys to find some that are even more ridiculous than these. To find some, try browsing Amazon's Sci-fi and Fantasy section or http://www.goodshowsir.co.uk/ .

# ¿ Jan 27, 2011 03:35

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# ¿ Apr 24, 2024 08:57

Anony Mouse: Jan 30, 2005; A name means nothing on the battlefield. After a week, no one has a name.; Lipstick Apathy

abata and ekubo posted:

The fact that a book went to print with this as its cover is simply atrocious. I hope it was self-published, because I can't imagine any reputable company sullying themselves with it.

The one-eyed barbarian water skiing behind saber-toothed tigers is ridiculously awesome, and I can't even look at the lizardman space pope without cracking up. My mind is blown!

# ¿ Jan 27, 2011 10:19

Anony Mouse: Jan 30, 2005; A name means nothing on the battlefield. After a week, no one has a name.; Lipstick Apathy

dinozombiesgoRARR posted:

Or just go here:
http://www.goodshowsir.co.uk/

A website dedicated to calling out the worst fantasy/scifi covers of all time.

Holy poo poo, awesome! Good find!

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This guy is loving ecstatic to be riding his fish... dragon... snake thing. Seriously what the hell is that?

# ¿ Jan 27, 2011 11:18

Anony Mouse: Jan 30, 2005; A name means nothing on the battlefield. After a week, no one has a name.; Lipstick Apathy

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That's a Mack truck there at the top. What.

# ¿ Jan 27, 2011 11:29

Anony Mouse: Jan 30, 2005; A name means nothing on the battlefield. After a week, no one has a name.; Lipstick Apathy

Petr posted:

These covers always bothered me too. In the first one they look like a couple of shroom-munching hippies who fell into vats of fabric dye. In the second one it looks like Covenant is Moses parting the seas or something, and has a very weird messiah-like overtone. Then again, Covenant is a sort of messiah figure in the books, so maybe that's what the artist was trying to capture. But it still doesn't quite fit a vaguely Christian-like interpretation.

# ¿ Jan 28, 2011 01:57

Anony Mouse: Jan 30, 2005; A name means nothing on the battlefield. After a week, no one has a name.; Lipstick Apathy

Skypie posted:

Wait a minute, that's Covenant? I always just assumed it was the Elohim. Does that mean the chick is Linden Avery? Does not fit a mental image I had of her at all.

Yeah I guess that makes significantly more sense than Covenant dressing like he flunked out of clown college.

For some reason my mental image of Covenant has always been Kelsey Grammer.

# ¿ Jan 29, 2011 02:18

Anony Mouse: Jan 30, 2005; A name means nothing on the battlefield. After a week, no one has a name.; Lipstick Apathy

Hogo Fogo posted:

Run! It's the space frog snakes!

Are you making GBS threads me? :frogout:

# ¿ Jan 29, 2011 14:51

Anony Mouse: Jan 30, 2005; A name means nothing on the battlefield. After a week, no one has a name.; Lipstick Apathy

An hour well spent.

# ¿ Jan 29, 2011 15:59

Anony Mouse: Jan 30, 2005; A name means nothing on the battlefield. After a week, no one has a name.; Lipstick Apathy

Reminds me of a suit from Planetes.

# ¿ Jan 31, 2011 08:31

Anony Mouse: Jan 30, 2005; A name means nothing on the battlefield. After a week, no one has a name.; Lipstick Apathy

Making fun of my beloved fantasy series? Not on my Something Awful, good sir. :colbert:

# ¿ Feb 1, 2011 20:22

Anony Mouse: Jan 30, 2005; A name means nothing on the battlefield. After a week, no one has a name.; Lipstick Apathy

Nessus posted:

Can't I just rub one out, sir

e: grounds for dishonorable discharge, that

Soldier, either honorably discharge, or be dishonorably discharged!

# ¿ Feb 4, 2011 08:44

Anony Mouse: Jan 30, 2005; A name means nothing on the battlefield. After a week, no one has a name.; Lipstick Apathy

Himuro posted:

I really want to read this book based on the name alone.

I've actually read this. I think. If I remember correctly, it's about "seed" spaceships with growing vats sent out to colonize new worlds. When the ship arrives at a new world, it spits out an android that is solar-powered (depicted on the cover; it absorbs radiation through its skin) that acts as a kind of shepherd. Then the ship starts growing new humans, animals, and plants in its vats while the android looks out for the new civilization. It's been a long time since I read it, so that's all probably half wrong, but it wasn't a bad book.

Of course, the title plus the golden naked dude on the cover is pretty :gay:

# ¿ Feb 6, 2011 09:46

Anony Mouse: Jan 30, 2005; A name means nothing on the battlefield. After a week, no one has a name.; Lipstick Apathy

benito posted:

Oh god, the Garfield plushie on the TV...

# ¿ Feb 8, 2011 00:27

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# ¿ Apr 24, 2024 08:57

Anony Mouse: Jan 30, 2005; A name means nothing on the battlefield. After a week, no one has a name.; Lipstick Apathy

Iluvlortab posted:

I read this book twice in my teen years thinking I was all sophisticated and worldly. It is not a comedy that is for sure and thinking of it now I wonder why I read this piece of poo poo.

Is this the one that has Satan eating the main character and then ejaculating him out of his penis?

# ¿ Feb 23, 2011 20:45

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