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It is my firm belief that man can subsist on nothing more then chili and anger. To that end, I have decided to share my own favorite chili recipe with the lot of you, so that you may convert your shame and anger into chili and anger. In this way, I am the best humanitarian who has ever or will ever survive. I'm going to be breaking a few sacred chili rules here. Too bad; I apologize to no one. Ingredients:
Instructions:
And that's it, you're done. You just went from a pathetic, flaccid pushover to a chili-chewing boner-owner in about an hour. Your life will thank me. Who's next? Don't even think about posting a recipe with corn in it. You should be ashamed of yourself.
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Apr 19, 2011 15:53
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| # ? Apr 24, 2024 01:13 |
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GOD HAS DIED
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Apr 19, 2011 15:55
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http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3261214 I must admit, I haven't read through that entire thread either, but I bet there are a few recipes with corn in it. Beans seem to be the hotly debated issue, however.
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Apr 19, 2011 15:56
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osukeith161 posted:http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3261214 That thread is old, sad and full of bad recipes. This thread is for people who love chili more than they hate themselves.
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Apr 19, 2011 16:02
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While I find the french onion soup mix hilarious, and your chili to be bland as gently caress otherwise; I like your thread. It gives me a boner. Some tips: Get some decent chile powder(s) - mainly ancho, of course, but then combine in some spicier ones, like california or new mexico hot. Supermarket "chili powder" is poo poo. Learn what the difference is. Use differnt kinds of chiles. I find a combination of fresh, dried, and smoked gives some real depth of flavor. I like fresh habeneros, dried arbols, and smoked jalapenos (chipotles) or new mexicos. Use real garlic and lots of it, then you can use regular tomato paste, silly. Soak and cook dried beans properly. They will have better texture by about a thousand. Use real onions. Use more peppers. To everyone else: the bean debate is retarded. Chili is good both with and without and nobody gives a gently caress what you think can and cannot be called chili. Shut the gently caress up.
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Apr 19, 2011 16:16
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Your chili is bad and you are too. Here is my chili recipe: 4lbs Cow cubed (MOO MOTHERFUCKER) 1lbs Habanero peppers (pussy) 5 ghost chilis (witty comment) 2lbs dried red (kidney) beans (*BRRRRRRRRRRT*) Smoked Ham Hock (OINK OINK MOTHERFUCKER) 1lb garlic peeled and minced (VAMPIRES) 4 large onions finely diced (JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE) 1 large can diced tomatoes (drained of most juices but not all) (can use whole canned tomatoes but crush that poo poo up with your hands) (MORE PARENTHESIS) A lot Chili powder (DICK MUNCHER) some garlic powder (NUMBER MUNCHER) some onion powder (OREGON TRAIL) a bit of cornstarch (APPLE IIe) beer (BEER) Soak beans overnight for at least 8 hours. Cook beans with smoked ham hock and some of the onion. Cube the steak / cow up into 1/2in pieces. Coat with mix of cornstarch/onion powder/garlic powder and brown. Blend habaneros and ghost chilis in blender with a bit of beer to form CHILI PASTE Combine beans, leftover meat from ham hock, garlic, chili powder, chili paste, tomatoes, beer, beer, and the rest of the stuff into a big pot. Simmer for a while until it tastes good. Add some salt and pepper if needed.
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Apr 19, 2011 16:21
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porizj posted:The worst chili recipe, ever  This has got to be a troll. Surely you don't honestly think that this is a good recipe for chili. For the love of God, it's got loving mushrooms and you're going on a tirade about corn, YOU should be ashamed of yourself. I'm all for a good deviation from a classic but this "recipe" is complete rubbish. Onion soup mix?! Quit crying and pick up a drat knife and cut your own drat onions. Go post in the slow cooker thread, it's a better fit for you.
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Apr 19, 2011 16:30
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I always put canned creamed corn in my chili it adds a certain sweetness.
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Apr 19, 2011 16:37
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I really like this recipe. I had to make a couple of substitutions, because I couldn't find certain ingredients, but I'm really happy with how it turned out. I changed the pork to beef, simply because I prefer beef. I obviously kept the tomatoes, but I had to replace the onion soup mix with cheese sauce, because I'm reverse lactose intolerant (if there's not sufficient lactose in my food, I get sick). I know a few purists will be cross with me for this, but I had to leave out the mushrooms (I'm allergic to them). Instead, I used large flat sheets of pasta. I thought it'd be nice to give it a bit of an avant garde twist, so I made my chili in layers. One layer of meaty sauce, followed by the mushrooms (flat pasta), topped with onion soup (cheese sauce). After a couple of layers like this, I topped the whole thing of with beans. Except, because I couldn't get beans, I used grated parmesan. It was delicious. A++++ would cook again.
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Apr 19, 2011 16:46
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Scientastic posted:I really like this recipe. I had to make a couple of substitutions, because I couldn't find certain ingredients, but I'm really happy with how it turned out. wait a minute...
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Apr 19, 2011 16:49
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Top Class
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GrAviTy84 posted:slow cooker I know a terrible recipe was posted but its a bit unfair to suggest he has learning difficulties
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Apr 19, 2011 16:51
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OOH!! CHILI!! 4 lbs deer meat (venison bitch, go shoot your own loving deer) 4 red bell peppers (cubed, like ice) 2 poblanos (gotta have some green yo) 1 (big) can crushed San Marzano tomatoes (dont gently caress my venison with your mexican tomatoes) 1 big rear end white onion (you want that heat) 10 jalapenos (MOAR GREEN!!) 5 serranos (EVEN MOOOAAARRR GREEEEN) 2 habaneros (kinda orange) 1 can chipotles in adobo (this isnt green at all) (DONT BE A PUSSY PUT THEM ALL IN) 3 dried anchos (ground to powder) 3 dried chile de arbols (same as above) 2 dried new mexico (just do it again) 4 tbs cumin (GRRRIIIIND) 1 smoked ham hock 1 parmegiano reggiano rind (yup... trust me) 2 heads of garlic (crushed and chopped) 1 lbs kidney beans, soaked, rinsed. (cans are for homos) SALT... PEPPER... RED WINE VINEGAR!! Enough deer stock to cover. Now. Brown deer chunks, remove. Sweat onions, peppers, garlic and chilies, add chili powder, brown and get it toasty, remove. Toss in tomatoes, deglaze with tomato juices. Reduce tomatoes to remove the water and concentrate the flavors. Add to the meat back. Add the veg back. Add the smoked ham hock and the cheese rind. Add the beans. Add stock to cover. Add lid. Cook that poo poo for 4 hours. Check it occasionally and add more hot stock if needed. When you got it good hit it with the salt and pepper and vinegar until it tastes right. At this point, if you want it thicker, you cheat and add a slurry of corn starch until desired thickness is achieved. Eat that poo poo with cornbread and sour cream.
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Apr 19, 2011 16:54
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Now hold on just a minute. I don’t want anyone misinterpreting my chili. My chili is not about experimenting with gay sex during your college years. My chili is not about wearing a god damned chef’s hat. My chili is not about sauntering around with your premium ingredients while singing a pretty little song about your first period. This is back to basics chili. This is “I’m flat loving broke” chili. This is “I have one hour to feed myself before my shift surfing for CP at the local library starts” chili. This is camping chili. This is hunting chili. This is house full of screaming little shits chili. This is the comfort chili you make your best friend right after he walks in on you speed-bagging his sister. This is quick, easy, tasty, man chili. This isn’t the chili you have Gordon Ramsey weep into because you didn’t use all fresh ingredients. And this is not the chili you waste a perfectly good steak making. This thread is for the kind of chili you make by throwing 5 dollars of crap into a pot and screaming at it until it bends to your will. Any other type of recipe can go over to that “let’s put tequila in chili and pretend we haven’t failed as human beings” thread and contemplate the best day to commit suicide.
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Apr 19, 2011 16:56
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porizj posted:This is camping chili. I know I always take french onion soup powder when I go camping.
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Apr 19, 2011 16:57
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porizj posted:let’s put onion soup mix and mushrooms in chili and pretend I haven’t failed as a human being Fixed your post for you.
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Apr 19, 2011 16:59
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Scientastic posted:I know I always take french onion soup powder when I go camping. Here's what I take when I camp: 1 case french onion soup mix AND THATS IT
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Apr 19, 2011 17:02
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Only pussies bring their dried french onion soup mix camping. Real Men hunt wild onion soup mix and dry it over the fire before making mushroom stew.
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Apr 19, 2011 17:06
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Scientastic posted:I know I always take french onion soup powder when I go camping. As you rightly should. It's a lightweight way to perk up dehydrated anything. It'll make those portages just glide by.
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Apr 19, 2011 17:07
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porizj posted:This is “I’m flat loving broke” chili. I just checked, and (pound for pound of raw ingredients) your chili costs more than my chili, which I make with beef steak, pork ribs, real onions and fresh chillies. I even erred on the side of caution and allowed myself more meat by weight, to allow for the bones in the ribs.
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Apr 19, 2011 17:09
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porizj posted:As you rightly should. It's a lightweight way to perk up dehydrated anything. It'll make those portages just glide by. Who the gently caress brings pre-sliced mushrooms camping? Also, if this is broke chili, why are you buying extra processed ingredients to make it more expensive; ie sliced mushrooms, tomato paste with garlic and so on and so forth. edit: drat Scientastic beat me to it.
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Apr 19, 2011 17:10
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Scientastic posted:I just checked, and (pound for pound of raw ingredients) your chili costs more than my chili, which I make with beef steak, pork ribs, real onions and fresh chillies. I even erred on the side of caution and allowed myself more meat by weight, to allow for the bones in the ribs. What's your price? Mine costs between 5 and 10 dollars, depending on what's on sale.
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Apr 19, 2011 17:13
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porizj posted:What's your price? Mine costs between 5 and 10 dollars, depending on what's on sale. I just checked at Asda, and 1kg of ground beef is the same price as 500g stewing steak and 800g pork ribs (about Ł6). No onion soup mix, but 1kg of onions costs 50p, so I'd have more money and onions to spare. A bag of fresh chillies is 67p, a bulb of garlic is 26p and everything else is common to both (or left out because it sucks).
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Apr 19, 2011 17:17
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KenMornignstar posted:Who the gently caress brings pre-sliced mushrooms camping? For camping, you substitute in pre-sliced, dehydrated mushrooms. Hit up any asian market. Sliced mushrooms cost the same as non-sliced around here. And since when was tomato paste expensive?
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Apr 19, 2011 17:19
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Let's not make this about cost. Your chili would still be poo poo if it cost a tenth of what mine does, it would still be a triumph of convenience over quality and this would still be a terrible thread. There is simply no need to buy pre-sliced mushrooms, tomato puree with garlic in it, or loving french onion soup mix. If you want to put mushrooms in your chili, fine, whatever, but buy mushrooms and slice them yourself. If you crave garlic, mince a bulb of garlic. If onion flavour is what you desire, put in a couple of loving onions. To summarise, if you're going to cook something and brag about how good it is, make it good and put in some loving effort. Don't just post a load of crap ingredients and expect people to applaud you for your terrible short-cut shite.
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Apr 19, 2011 17:26
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My broke rear end chili recipie is similar to the ops. However it is a bit different. 2.5lbs of whatever ground meat is on sale (who bought turkey you faggots?) 1 big rear end onion (slice that poo poo up first) 1 can tomato paste (um put in your own garlic assholes) 2 cans tomato sauce (do not get italian seasoned stupid) 1 BIG can of diced tomatos (you can substitute crushed if that is all your pansy rear end can locate) 2 jars of mushrooms (gently caress off it's about texture assholes) 2 heads of garlic (smashed all to gently caress) 1 can red beans (gently caress 8 hour overnight soaks unless its me soaking in gin) 1 can black beans 1 case beer Beer (any beer, but you know if you can afford the darker get it, one for the pot, the rest for getting loving DRUNK haven't you seen any of my movies!) Cumin (all of it!) Chili powder (you better have homade good poo poo here, snort that store brand garbage) Brown your loving meat and garlic and onions. But that poo poo in the crock pot. Put all the other poo poo in the crock pot, stir, turn temp to low. Slam remaining 23 beers. Passout drunk, wake up, vomit, notice the smell of delicious chili. Eat chili. Go back to your miserable life.
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Apr 19, 2011 17:29
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porizj posted:Now hold on just a minute. I don’t want anyone misinterpreting my chili. My chili is not about experimenting with gay sex during your college years. My chili is not about wearing a god damned chef’s hat. My chili is not about sauntering around with your premium ingredients while singing a pretty little song about your first period. Still hate your recipe, but I love your posts.
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Apr 19, 2011 17:36
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Scientastic posted:General crying and menstruation. I'm so sorry to have offended your delicate sensibilities. All I have to go on is about 10 years of people lining up to fellate me after trying my chili. Lucky for you there's an entirely other chili thread dedicated to pretentiousness! Feel free to go there and exchange tips on bras.
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Apr 19, 2011 17:38
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porizj posted:All I have to go on is about 10 years of people lining up to fellate me after trying my chili. Anything to get the taste out of their mouth, I suppose.
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Apr 19, 2011 17:40
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Scientastic posted:Anything to get the taste out of their mouth, I suppose. I dont want to get probated for no content posting but holy poo poo that made me laugh.
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Apr 19, 2011 17:40
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porizj posted:I'm so sorry to have offended your delicate sensibilities. All I have to go on is about 10 years of people lining up to fellate me after trying my chili. You must work in a soup kitchen then. Good for you for feeding the homeless. Edit: KenMornignstar posted:holy poo poo that made me laugh. ditto
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Apr 19, 2011 17:43
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there are some things you must learn, you goddamned MOTHERFUCKER - Onion soup mix has no place in a real kitchen, let alone in chili. Get that poo poo out of here if you want to sit at the big kids' table. - Chop your own onions, mince your own garlic. Learn how to use a knife, basically. - Whole peeled tomatoes, not tomato "sauce". Crush that poo poo. Through a sieve if you care about seeds. I ain't make no watery goddamn poo poo chili and I ain't eat it neither. - Make your own chile powder. Get dried peppers of different varieties, learn what each contributes to the flavor, and mix your own blend.
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Apr 19, 2011 17:43
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None of you have ever really been "broke" from what I can tell. Step 1. Start panhandling. After a few hours, your immense hunger will be telling you it is time to make some chili. Depending on how large your city is, you should have about 5 dollars in change, and one person whose holier-than-thou attitude thought that you would just blow it on booze, so they offered to buy you lunch instead. Eat the bun, lettuce, and mayo from the burger the person bought you. Save the patty, tomato, and onion. Step 2. Go buy a pint of liquor with your money, it serves no use in this recipe. Step 3. Return to fast food restaurant, steal as many ketchup packets as you can before they kick you out. As you are being kicked out, take a handful of salt and pepper packets. Step 4. Finish your pint of liquor. Step 5. Find a used ziplock baggie in a dumpster. Crush up your saved patty, onion, and tomato. Add as much ketchup as the bag will hold. Use your salt and pepper packets, if available. Seal. Shake vigorously. Step 6. Urinate all over the bag, making sure to cover the entire surface. Your minute-long alcohol induced piss should warm the contents to roughly luke-warm. Hey, you are broke, no complaining. Step 7. Enjoy.
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Apr 19, 2011 17:46
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You are required to do one of the following, of your choice: Option 1: Eat one whole US Number 5 can (that's 7 cups or 56 fluid ounces) of creamed corn. In one sitting. You must eat the corn directly out of the can, using either a straw (normal, bendy, or boba straws are all fine) or your bare hands. You will provide evidence of you consuming said product, either photographic or video, and provide commentary on the flavor, texture, and other aesthetic issues that occur to you as you consume. Option 2: Fix a batch of chili according to any of the recipes posted in this thread (before or after this challenge is issued). Provide photography showing the cooking and eating process. Compare and contrast the flavor profiles, ease of preparation, and expense of your chili and the chili you selected. Option 3: Buy a bunch of canned chili with beans. If you attempt this challenge with no-beans chili I will give you a failing mark. Open the cans and fill your bathtub with enough chili to cover any parts of your anatomy that may be considered NWS. Immerse yourself in the chili bath and have a friend photograph you holding a sign with your username as you enjoy your beany bath. This image MUST be worksafe. You have until midnight Pacific Time on Friday, April 22nd to perform your chosen task. If you fail to perform or decide to being your own menstruations about how you are being treated, I will ban you and consider giving you an obnoxious red title for good measure. Any other poster may attempt to beat you to in this Mod Challenge. If anyone does so, that person (or persons if there is more than one entry of acceptable quality) will decide your fate.
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Apr 19, 2011 18:00
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Mod Challenge
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Oh hell yes
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Apr 19, 2011 18:03
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Bart mod is best mod (something in parenthesis.)
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Apr 19, 2011 18:07
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I wish I had a bathtub.
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Apr 19, 2011 18:11
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Scientastic posted:Anything to get the taste out of their mouth, I suppose. Too much of one type of awesome can be overpowering. I greatly appreciate your understanding that the only way to return a human mouth to homeostasis after it's been heavily rocked is by administering my boner.
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Apr 19, 2011 18:13
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This is the best thread in goons with spoons at the moment. Porizj please keep up the awesome.
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Apr 19, 2011 18:16
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Come on, Scientastic. Make my chili, win the challenge and have me banned forever.
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Apr 19, 2011 18:33
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| # ? Apr 24, 2024 01:13 |
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porizj posted:Come on, Scientastic. Make my chili, win the challenge and have me banned forever. This is such a low effort cop-out.
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Apr 19, 2011 18:39
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