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Nerdfest X
Feb 7, 2008
UberDork Extreme

404GoonNotFound posted:

The best part is that due to a series of lawsuits, Five Hour Energy is no longer allowed to claim that they actually provide energy nor last a full five hours.

5 Hour Energy now has a campaign "Don't listen to all the bullshit, get the facts on our website, and decide for yourself"

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muscles like this!
Jan 17, 2005



It'd be interesting to watch a compilation of all the 5 Hour Energy commercials over the years just to watch their shifting pitches.

Mahoning
Feb 3, 2007


muscles like this? posted:

It'd be interesting to watch a compilation of all the 5 Hour Energy commercials over the years just to watch their shifting pitches.

I always thought it was a mistake for them to go after coffee drinkers. I mean coffee drinkers love coffee for the most part, and if you start knocking coffee as something one shouldn't drink, you'll just anger your target audience.

The better strategy would be to go after the RedBull/Rockstar crowd and play up the fact that those have poo poo tons of sugar and 5 Hour Energy doesn't.

ElwoodCuse
Jan 11, 2004

we're puttin' the band back together

Somebody did, I forget who but they showed a Tony Montana style mound of sugar and said "this is in every can of Rockstar and Monster"

dijon du jour
Mar 27, 2013

I'm shy


5-Hour Energy may not be the only people making a product you don't need and are probably better off without, but they are particularly bad at marketing it.
I'd like to take this opportunity to bring up this 5-Hour Energy commercial again:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSHCbizqIo0

They actually thought this parade of obvious half-truths would fool people.

dijon du jour fucked around with this message at May 17, 2013 around 16:41

Cyril Sneer
Aug 8, 2004

Life would be simple in the forest except for Cyril Sneer. And his life would be simple except for The Raccoons.

muscles like this? posted:

TV trend I'm getting tired of in commercials, that loving Imagine Dragons song being used for every goddamn upcoming thing.

I feel like we're at an all-time low in terms of terrible music in commercials.

You Are A Elf
Apr 26, 2010

Black Gold!


dijon du jour posted:

5-Hour Energy may not be the only people making a product you don't need and are probably better off without, but they are particularly bad at marketing it.
I'd like to take this opportunity to bring up this 5-Hour Energy commercial again:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSHCbizqIo0

They actually thought this parade of obvious half-truths would fool people.

5-Hour Energy commercials also have a small disclaimer in a black box at the end of every commercial that says "These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease," including this one. I don't know about you, but if my primary care physician recommended me something that's not been evaluated by the FDA and is not intended to treat any illnesses I may be suffering from that may be the cause of my lack of energy, then I would go straight to the medical board and have the doctor's license revoked immediately.

"Doctor, I feel incredibly weak and cold and lethargic all the time. It hurts to do anything, and sometimes I even pass out because I am completely drained of energy."
"Here, take this 5-Hour Energy and you'll be all better!!"
"But doc, aren't you gonna check me for anything? Maybe I have cancer, have some sort of deficiency or a rare disease."
"Nope! Trust me, I'm a doctor. Drink this 5-Hour Energy."
*passes out and falls to floor; blood starts pouring out of eyes, nose and ears*
*to the unconscious patient's face* "5-Hour Energy, IT'S EXTREME!!!"

muscles like this!
Jan 17, 2005



dijon du jour posted:

5-Hour Energy may not be the only people making a product you don't need and are probably better off without, but they are particularly bad at marketing it.
I'd like to take this opportunity to bring up this 5-Hour Energy commercial again:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSHCbizqIo0

They actually thought this parade of obvious half-truths would fool people.

Its like they looked at those old cigarette ads that got banned and decided, "Hey, lets do that!"

BigBallChunkyTime
Nov 25, 2011

Kyle Schwarber: World Series hero, Beefy Lad, better than you.




Illegal Hen

404GoonNotFound posted:

The best part is that due to a series of lawsuits, Five Hour Energy is no longer allowed to claim that they actually provide energy nor last a full five hours.

That's what they get for disparaging the good name of coffee.

devtesla
Jan 2, 2012




Grimey Drawer

dijon du jour posted:

5-Hour Energy may not be the only people making a product you don't need and are probably better off without, but they are particularly bad at marketing it.

You call that bad marketing, but these fuckers made billions off of this poo poo.

hahahahahahaha

Visual Sneeze
Mar 4, 2008

Rose City 'til I die!


You Are A Elf posted:

5-Hour Energy commercials also have a small disclaimer in a black box at the end of every commercial that says "These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease," including this one. I don't know about you, but if my primary care physician recommended me something that's not been evaluated by the FDA and is not intended to treat any illnesses I may be suffering from that may be the cause of my lack of energy, then I would go straight to the medical board and have the doctor's license revoked immediately.

To be fair, that's a very standard disclaimer and I've never heard of this product or other energy drinks being used to treat symptoms of what anyone thinks is an illness. Usually it's just that someone only got 3 hours of sleep before a workshift or is hungover and likes to deal with it that way. Note that all they claim the doctors said is that people who are using energy supplements anyway should try to use low-calorie types.

That said, I think it's an awful product. And if you get to the point where you've developed a dependency because you're only sleeping 5 hours every single night, or worse, you don't have any why, then yeah you should probably see a doctor. I'm sure (god I hope) that nearly any doctor would then advise lifestyle changes or try actual diagnosis and medication.

veedubfreak
Apr 2, 2005

by Smythe


5 hour energy works perfectly fine when I make the 15-17 hour drive from my house back to my parents' house once a year.

Doctor Butts
May 21, 2002

AFC NORTH PITY FUCK


The detestable 5 hour energy commercial around here is this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJn6vpVbUM0

Caffeine + vitamins!

ElwoodCuse
Jan 11, 2004

we're puttin' the band back together

That disclaimer is on any product that the company wants to sell as kinda medicinal but not have the FDA check its ingredients or efficacy

raditts
Feb 21, 2001

The Kwanzaa Bot is here to protect me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KUoUb2jEj4
I see this commercial at least 5 or 6 times a day lately. All I can think while watching it is "So that's what it's like when manic pixie dream girls age beyond the range where people think it's cute."

Gonz
Dec 22, 2009

Jesus, did I say that? Or just think it? Was I talking? Did they hear me?


I'd like to think that woman stole all the things in that commercial.

Vakal
May 11, 2008



veedubfreak posted:

5 hour energy works perfectly fine when I make the 15-17 hour drive from my house back to my parents' house once a year.

I'm in the same boat. It's probably just a placebo effect, but a bottle of energy drank does seem to make the last couple of hours of a 10+ hour drive not so horrible.

Of course, a bag of chocolate covered espresso beans works even better.

Rirse
May 6, 2006




Pretty sure this ad was mentioned before, but tired of the "Bing Challenge" ads where they lucky find the world dumbest people who somehow liked that crappy search engine over Google.

knife super power
Nov 4, 2010


I once took a 3 hour nap and drank a bottle of 5 hour energy and I felt just fine. I did drink the 5 hour energy before my nap, and it didn't keep me from falling asleep at all.

Miss Kalle
Jan 4, 2013

This avatar is lacking a certain something, don't you think? IT'S MISSING YOUR SCREAMS, TRANSFER STUDENT!


I ended up getting that stupid Accucheck Nano jingle stuck in my head this moring, and it led me to wonder just what kind of dreams have to be crushed for someone to take the gig singing it. Maybe they had aspirations of being the next Britney or Adele, but here they are now.

Doomsday Jesus
Oct 8, 2004

Doomsday Jesus we need you now.

Mahoning posted:



The better strategy would be to go after the RedBull/Rockstar crowd and play up the fact that those have poo poo tons of sugar and 5 Hour Energy doesn't.

Then Redbull/RockStar/Monster make a commercial highlighting their sugar free variants that give you same stuff in a bigger drink for the same money.

Tragedienne
Sep 7, 2007

"I need your stage no longer. I dance for myself."


Miss Kalle posted:

I ended up getting that stupid Accucheck Nano jingle stuck in my head this moring, and it led me to wonder just what kind of dreams have to be crushed for someone to take the gig singing it. Maybe they had aspirations of being the next Britney or Adele, but here they are now.

Someone needs to make "Behind the Music: Commercial Jingles"

QuickbreathFinisher
Sep 28, 2008

by reading this post you have agreed to form a gay socialist micronation.


Miss Kalle posted:

I ended up getting that stupid Accucheck Nano jingle stuck in my head this moring

gently caress you for even bringing this up, because now it's stuck in my head too. I would honestly probably love that song if it wasn't about blood glucose meters.

vyst
Aug 25, 2009



Gonz posted:

I'd like to think that woman stole all the things in that commercial.

I pretend it's not her house.

raditts
Feb 21, 2001

The Kwanzaa Bot is here to protect me.

Miss Kalle posted:

I ended up getting that stupid Accucheck Nano jingle stuck in my head this moring, and it led me to wonder just what kind of dreams have to be crushed for someone to take the gig singing it. Maybe they had aspirations of being the next Britney or Adele, but here they are now.

It's not as dream crushing as whoever had to sing this poo poo:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWVA7epfiRk

Mister Kingdom
Dec 14, 2005

And the tears that fall
On the city wall
Will fade away
With the rays of morning light

Well, it's official. I'm sick of the Wendy's chick. She's starting to get a bit arrogant about it.

ElwoodCuse
Jan 11, 2004

we're puttin' the band back together

Tragedienne posted:

Someone needs to make "Behind the Music: Commercial Jingles"

One of the radio bumpers in Grand Theft Auto goes

We hate singing this poo poo
But our record deal fell through
It's Flash FM

Mister Kingdom
Dec 14, 2005

And the tears that fall
On the city wall
Will fade away
With the rays of morning light

Tragedienne posted:

Someone needs to make "Behind the Music: Commercial Jingles"

Yeah, doing commercial jingles suck. Just ask this guy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxS6rfuWdPM

You Are A Elf
Apr 26, 2010

Black Gold!


Mister Kingdom posted:

Well, it's official. I'm sick of the Wendy's chick. She's starting to get a bit arrogant about it.

She was arrogant from the get go with the very first commercial of her condescending a woman looking at salads in a supermarket.

*to the salads the woman is looking at* "OH HI GUYS HOW'S EVERYONE DOING TODAY??? :iamafag:" *to the woman herself* "They've all been here since yesterday and I'm glad to see everyone is back "

Terrible.

Capn Beeb
Jun 29, 2003



raditts posted:

It's not as dream crushing as whoever had to sing this poo poo:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWVA7epfiRk

I hate every single commercial that uses background music like that. The same note, hammered on at the same tempo for the entire commercial, coupled with sorta whispered vocals, drives me up the loving wall.

...of SCIENCE!
Apr 26, 2008

43 species of parrot?! Nipples for men?! SLUGS?! Are we not in the hands of a lunatic?! If I were creating the world I wouldn't mess about with butterflies and daffodils. I would have started with lasers, 8 o'clock, day one!


Mister Kingdom posted:

Well, it's official. I'm sick of the Wendy's chick. She's starting to get a bit arrogant about it.

I just feel bad for the real Wendy. Can you imagine what it must be like, sitting in front of a bunch of suits who are in charge of your father's empire (which bears your name and face, albeit in caricature) and being told "Yeah, you're too fat and boring for our commercials"?

Especially when Dave Thomas himself was a hefty dude without supermodel good looks.

muscles like this!
Jan 17, 2005



Except she totally does show up in their commercials? They have two sets, one with fake Wendy and one with real Wendy.

Gonz
Dec 22, 2009

Jesus, did I say that? Or just think it? Was I talking? Did they hear me?


Wendy's should let Paul Verhoven, David Lynch or Lars von Trier direct a series of commercials for them.

Nerdfest X
Feb 7, 2008
UberDork Extreme

T-mobile Frankenstein commercial? Same premise as the Geico caveman. Still dumb.

ElectricSheep
Jan 14, 2006

she had tiny Italian boobs.
Well that's my story.


muscles like this? posted:

Except she totally does show up in their commercials? They have two sets, one with fake Wendy and one with real Wendy.

Real Wendy looks like she has a severe case of lockjaw whenever she talks.

Words come out, her cheeks puff with air, but...nothing much seems to happen with her mouth. It's creepy.

jisforjosh
Jun 6, 2006

"It's J is for...you know what? Fuck it, jizz it is"


Tragedienne posted:

Someone needs to make "Behind the Music: Commercial Jingles"

Jimmy Page started as a session and jingle musician, there are happy endings!

Nevvy Z
Jan 3, 2004



piratepilates posted:

Teeth whitening commercials are the scourge of the earth. Never before has there been a set of commercials that are so useless, manipulative and outright annoyingly dumb. They all have that same premise of attractive woman looking at their teeth and thinking oh ho hum my teeth just aren't white enough.

Yeah this would be fine if their teeth weren't already the whitest teeth I have ever seen, why does one woman think her teeth aren't white enough when compared to her wedding dress? YOU'RE COMPARING IT TO THE WHITEST THING KNOWN TO MANKIND, OF COURSE IT WON'T STACK UP. Or the woman on her date who thinks the guy won't like her because her teeth aren't white enough, here's a hint: he doesn't give a jack poo poo.

I wouldn't have such a problem if they had actors with non-white teeth or who didn't fret over such stupid poo poo but it's always presented in such a stupid way that it infuriates me.

My teeth are actually permanently dyed a yellowish color by a medication I was taking when they were growing in. I'm starting to get a very deep understanding of how teenage girls get eating disorders.

Edit- Woops, I opened page 1 and scrolled a bit, not the last page. Still true.

muscles like this!
Jan 17, 2005



Mythbusters were planning on doing an episode about teeth whitening products but they got completely shut down by Discovery Channel corporate.

Bloody Hedgehog
Dec 12, 2003

Gotta nuke something.


muscles like this? posted:

Mythbusters were planning on doing an episode about teeth whitening products but they got completely shut down by Discovery Channel corporate.

Not really a huge loss. Several independent studies have shown most of the products don't do a drat thing, and the ones that do give very limited whitening, and it doesn't last. You really have to go to your dentist and get a professional whitening to see any appreciable improvement.

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Gaunab
Feb 13, 2012



I'm tired of hearing I Love it by Icona Pop. It's appearing in more and more commercials.

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