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Culinary Bears
Feb 1, 2007



It really doesn't sound like your boyfriend respects you much if he tells you to shut up when you disagree with him, even if it's just in this case - because this is a pretty loving major case. I'll reiterate that yes, there are many many normal people out there that do not and will never want children. Some people don't even want pets either, or dependents of any sort - it's not sociopathic to just not get any joy out of sacrificing your time/money to nurture something.

There are also many parents out there that gently caress up their kids really badly because they were pressured into having them but they just don't love them. Or worse, they resent them. Or even worse, the stress of having a child they don't like raising drives them crazy and they get violent and abusive. If you think there is at all a significant chance of you ending up like that, you should think long and hard about how ethical it would be for you to have a child - at least a very young child, as there are lots of older kids out there to adopt.

And really, that's the advantage you have in all of this. If you do change your mind one day, go ahead, have a kid. Too old/infertile/whatever and it really matters to you? Save up and adopt. On the other hand, someone who does have a kid and changes their mind about it elsewhere can't erase that decision. They don't really have any good option that doesn't either gently caress up their kid or destroy them socially in a way far worse than if they never had one in the first place. You can always have a kid, but you can never go back in time and un-have a kid.

That's really the part that I don't get. People with no interest in children get a ton of patronizing bullshit - you're so immature, you'll change your mind, etc. even though it's obviously completely unacceptably absurd to do that to someone in the opposite situation - "Hey, pregnant lady, are you really sure you want to have a kid? What if you change your mind in a few years? You're too young to make such an important decision. Think of all the time and money you'll have to spend. Maybe you should get an abortion, you'll be glad that you did afterwards. Avoiding the stress of a child can strengthen your relationship..."

Full disclosure: I was raised in an abusive home, so were my parents and etc., in a chain of people who were stressed out overachievers that only really had children because they thought they had to, and the added stress made them screw their kids up, rinse repeat. Whoop de do, I'm in the same situation, all about hobbies and doing poo poo with my life instead of somebody else's. Don't like kids, like animals, but I made the wrong decision in getting a cat and am looking for a new home for it. He's a great cat but I just don't feel enough towards him to make up for all the stress of putting up with his bullshit, and I get disproportionately angry when it dirties up my counters or knocks down/breaks something valuable/I need to find it a home every time I go out of town/etc because I don't really love him enough, even though I was sure that I love cats - hell, I volunteer heavily at a shelter and everything. Good thing it's not a human child!

On the other hand, my husband had a pretty normal childhood with an awesome supporting family, and he's even really good with children. But he just doesn't like them, never has, absolutely does not want to give up so much of his life to raise one, and since he's in his mid thirties now I think it's safe to say he won't be suddenly changing his mind. And he didn't end up caring much for the cat, either, though he'll play with it and take care of it and all the good stuff.

Despite all this, I'm having an incredibly difficult time getting a certain medical procedure done so that I don't have to constantly be on high doses of OCP to not literally bleed to death. Because I can't fix it otherwise without becoming infertile. That is what aggravates me. It's very easy to find support for wanting to have a kid; it's extremely difficult to get support for wanting to never have a kid, with all the reasons in the world and the possibility of adoption. Even though having a kid is no less irreversible. (And if you're not actually out to sterilize yourself, not having a kid is completely reversible, making people who are assholes about it all the more absurd.)

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Culinary Bears
Feb 1, 2007



Fatkraken posted:

I don't think surgical sterilization helps with periods if that's what you're suggesting. They don't remove the ovaries so the hormonal cycle still goes on as normal, menstruation is not usually affected (in rare cases it can get WORSE). Ovary removal is a really bad idea in most cases outside of stuff like cancer since a lack of Estrogen is so strongly related to osteoperosis as well as a bunch of other serious issues. I guess you could have a hysterectomy without ovary removal, but that itself has a lot of risks

Derail: They might be referring to endometrial ablation, which is removing or reducing the lining involved in periods. No lining, no monthly bleeding. It's not really surgical sterilization, although it can make you sterile. It may also not make you sterile, but then if you get pregnant there can very often be horrible complications such as placenta accerata, ectopic pregnancies, etc. (Basically there is no longer a proper lining for stuff to attach to). Someone with an ablation ought to use birth control just in case they didn't become sterile, because these are very nasty and even life-threatening.

It's treated in a similar vein to sterilization by a lot of doctors though, because there's a good chance it actually will sterilize - and if it doesn't, getting pregnant becomes very difficult and dangerous.

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