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I was surprised to find out we don't have an ongoing thread for The Onion here. I'm sure there are many good "stories" we've all missed seeing the first time around so I figured I'd start one up so we could all share our favorites. A few starters... "Supreme Court Rules Death Penalty Is 'Totally Badass'" http://www.theonion.com/video/supreme-court-rules-death-penalty-is-totally-badas,14244/ "New Six Flags Ride Based on Relationship with Deborah." http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-six-flags-ride-based-on-relationship-with-debo,17223/ "Uneducated Forklift Driver To Address Nation on Rush Limbaugh Radio Show" http://www.theonion.com/articles/may-29-1993,10561/ "Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck" http://www.theonion.com/video/victim-in-fatal-car-accident-tragically-not-glenn,14380/ Also, can't start the thread without this classic, "Holy poo poo! Man Walks on loving Moon!" http://www.theonion.com/articles/july-21-1969,10515/
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# ? Mar 5, 2021 06:51 |
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http://www.theonion.com/articles/god-answers-prayers-of-paralyzed-little-boy,475/ "No," Says God
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I know this one is a video and may not be what you're after, but it kills me every time I watch it: "Hot New Video Game Consists Solely Of Shooting People Point-Blank In The Face" http://www.theonion.com/video/hot-new-video-game-consists-solely-of-shooting-peo,14325/
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Instant-win airbags
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The MacBook Wheel "I'll buy almost anything if it's shiny and made by Apple" "I like that the email automatically says 'sent from my MacBook Wheel', that way people will know that you have one." NorskHotDog has a new favorite as of 20:05 on Mar 14, 2012 |
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Man, Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?
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Last time there was an Onion thread I posted this one, which is still my favorite: But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them http://www.theonion.com/articles/but-if-we-started-dating-it-would-ruin-our-friends,11473/
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This one was way too prophetic: January 17,2001 Bush:'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace and Prosperity is Finally Over' http://www.theonion.com/articles/bush-our-long-national-nightmare-of-peace-and-pros,464/
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The darker side of jewellery made from the skulls of babies.
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Working Man Proud of Job He Hates I have known many people like this. Area Man Passionate Defender of What He Imagines Constitution To Be Duck_King has a new favorite as of 21:16 on Mar 14, 2012 |
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Not a full story (actually just a headline and picture) but the Owls Are Assholes one is always good: Owls Are Assholes And all the Onion Sports articles/headlines on painting Tim Duncan as the worlds most boring man are awesome. Example: Tim Duncan Reveals He is Friends With Over 10,000 Women ed. How could I forget my favorite one: 26-Year-Old To See Every rear end in a top hat He Ever Went To High School With On Night Before Thanksgiving The Broletariat has a new favorite as of 21:21 on Mar 14, 2012 |
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Ask A Man With A Russian Accent Trying To Convince You To Go To An Ecstasy Party All of the "Ask a X" ones are pretty good, it's a shame they don't do point/counter-point anymore.
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These two never fail to brighten my day Sumerians Look On In Confusion As God Creates World Frito-Lay Angrily Introduces Line Of Healthy Snacks
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![]() e: Sorry I thought this was D&D New Social Networking Site Changing The Way Oh, Christ, Forget It TurnipFritter has a new favorite as of 21:56 on Mar 14, 2012 |
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SerCypher posted:These two never fail to brighten my day Holy poo poo that's wonderful, I'd never seen that one before.
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Nasa Completes 52-year Mission To Find, Kill God http://www.theonion.com/articles/nasa-completes-52year-mission-to-find-kill-god,19263/ My favorite quote: TheOnion posted:It was in that year that U.S. astronaut Neil Armstrong became the first to step on the moon, and uttered the legendary phrase, "Where are you, God, you loving human being? Come and get me!" B-Hard has a new favorite as of 22:43 on Mar 14, 2012 |
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sok2bametalhead posted:I know this one is a video and may not be what you're after, but it kills me every time I watch it: Videos should totally count. Child Bankrupts Make-A-Wish Foundation With Wish For Unlimited Wishes As for an article. Suicide Letter Full Of Simpsons References
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Bee Stuck Between Screen Door, Front Door Going loving Nuts It's short, so I'll post it. quote:HUNTSVILE, AL—Users of the front door at 1418 Sycamore Avenue report the appearance of a common bumblebee ricocheting back and forth between the front and screen doors in a manner described as "pissed." According to witnesses, no one has been able to ascertain how the bee became trapped between the two portals, but it is totally losing it and will absolutely sting someone if it gets out, most likely in the eye. "Look at the size of that thing," homeowner Tony Paris said. "He's just going nuts. Just fly out of there, bee, come on." At press time, the bee was resting for a moment before resuming flipping the gently caress out I also like Shitload Of Math Due Monday, Study Reveals: Babies Are Stupid, and Alzheimer's Sufferers Demand Cure For Pancakes.
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Weekend With Boyfriend's Parents Explains A Lot And there was one called "rear end in a top hat Man Proud Of rear end in a top hat Son" but I can't find it. Oh well. This one will do. rear end in a top hat Admits To Being rear end in a top hat In Supreme rear end in a top hat Move
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Iowa State University Photoshops black guy into course catalog front cover. I love this one because that's where I went to undergrad.
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Volume posted:As for an article. And this one too. Nation's Educators Alarmed By Poorly Written Teen Suicide Notes
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One that springs to mind for me: Area Homosexual Saves Four From Fire Falmouth resident Kevin Lassally (inset), who likes to hold and kiss other men, is being hailed as a hero after rescuing a family of four from a deadly blaze. Lassally suffered burns covering over 25 percent of his body and sustained injuries leaving him unable to work or have sex with other men for about two months. Doctors describe his condition as stable but homosexual.
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The best headline they ever did was "Black Man Asks Nation For Change" during the 2008 US Presidential Election cycle. I totally agree with "The Supreme Court Rules The Death Penalty As Totally Badass" as their best video AND article. The delivery of "I am the Law." just slays.
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One of my favorites was a video for the Ocular Penetration Restriction Act of 2007: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VZF-_-E73o
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I'm partial to "Sony Releases New Stupid Piece of poo poo That Doesn't loving Work." http://www.theonion.com/video/sony-releases-new-stupid-piece-of-poo poo-that-doesnt,14309/
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Call Of Duty 2 Gamer Wonders If War Is Worth Dying 79 Times For
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Does anybody remember the title to the article that was just a bitter, generic fill-in-the-blank rehash of all the war stories in the news at that time? I haven't been able to find it. I did find this one, Report: Massive Wildfires, Geopolitical Crises, AIDS, Human Rights Violations, Deadly Shootings, Africa, Trapped Travelers, Ethical And Moral Issues, Child Labor, Drug Wars but I don't think it's the right one. It was at least five years ago.
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POINT/COUNTERPOINT: (Not gonna spoil the counterpoints on any of these.) Maple Syrup Is An Excellent Way To Enhance The Flavor Of Pancakes And Waffles http://www.theonion.com/articles/maple-syrup-is-an-excellent-way-to-enhance-the-fla,17143/ According To The Economist, NASA Is An Industrial Subsidy In Disguise http://www.theonion.com/articles/according-to-the-economist-nasa-is-an-industrial-s,11532/ Cats Are Better Than Dogs http://www.theonion.com/articles/cats-are-better-than-dogs,11571/ smokyprogg has a new favorite as of 23:40 on Mar 14, 2012 |
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Michael Vick fails to inspire teammates with great dog fighting story.
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Abeya Minora posted:The best headline they ever did was "Black Man Asks Nation For Change" during the 2008 US Presidential Election cycle. Oh that one was great. Reminds me of this one. Southern Sheriff Pulls Over Obama Campaign Bus For Broken Taillight http://www.theonion.com/articles/southern-sheriff-pulls-over-obama-campaign-bus-for,2579/ Marion County deputy sheriff Dewey Clutter posted:"Now Barry, someone 'bout your height, 'bout your skin color knocked over a Piggly Wiggly up in New Hebron just a coupla hours ago," Clutter continued. "But you wouldn't know nothin' 'bout that, now would you?"
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African-American Neighborhood Terrorized By Ask Murderer
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Clinton Goes Back In Time, Teams Up With Golden Age Clinton
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New Device Desirable, Old Device Undesirable
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Their most prophetic one - Bush: Our Long National Nightmare of Peace And Prosperity Is Over http://www.theonion.com/articles/bush-our-long-national-nightmare-of-peace-and-pros,464/
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Laid Back Ant Colony Refers To Queen As 'Judy' Also: http://www.theonion.com/articles/we-gave-rex-to-a-nice-farm-family-vs-they-had-me-p,11544/ ALSO: http://www.theonion.com/articles/as-long-as-youre-smiling-nothing-can-get-you-down,21198/ They need to do more point-counterpoints The Chad Jihad has a new favorite as of 01:17 on Mar 15, 2012 |
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Larch Tote posted:I'm partial to "Sony Releases New Stupid Piece of poo poo That Doesn't loving Work." Probably the best Onion News Network piece ever made. The resignation of the reporter at the end is priceless. "It never ends...this poo poo."
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I've always been a big fan of Brave Mountain Lion Fends Off Group Of Hikersquote:"I think it's safe to say those hikers will think twice before getting into another tussle with this feisty little fellow," Meiggs added with a chuckle.
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# ? Mar 5, 2021 06:51 |
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Blood... Blood Everywhere http://www.theonion.com/articles/bloodblood-everywhere,2420/ Fire Consumes Big Happy Farm Where Families Send Sick Dogs To Run Free And Play http://www.theonion.com/articles/fire-consumes-big-happy-farm-where-families-send-s,20641/ Nation Refuses To Read Headline Beyond Words '4-Year-Old Girl Forced To' http://www.theonion.com/articles/nation-refuses-to-read-headline-beyond-words-4year,27379/
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