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Handsome Ralph
Sep 3, 2004

Johnny Pussy?

I was surprised to find out we don't have an ongoing thread for The Onion here.

I'm sure there are many good "stories" we've all missed seeing the first time around so I figured I'd start one up so we could all share our favorites.

A few starters...

"Supreme Court Rules Death Penalty Is 'Totally Badass'",14244/

"New Six Flags Ride Based on Relationship with Deborah.",17223/

"Uneducated Forklift Driver To Address Nation on Rush Limbaugh Radio Show",10561/

"Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck",14380/

Also, can't start the thread without this classic,
"Holy poo poo! Man Walks on loving Moon!",10515/


That DICK!
Sep 28, 2010,475/

"No," Says God

Apr 29, 2008

I know this one is a video and may not be what you're after, but it kills me every time I watch it:

"Hot New Video Game Consists Solely Of Shooting People Point-Blank In The Face",14325/

Sep 15, 2004

naw, you love it
you little ho-bot

Instant-win airbags

Mar 31, 2010

Off the top of my head...

Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids

God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule

U.S. Commemorates 9/11 By Toasting Stable Afghan Government From Top Of Freedom Tower

Man We Thought To Be Barack Obama Revealed To Be Weak-Willed Impostor

Patriotic Teen Fails Spanish

College Basketball Star Heroically Overcomes Tragic Rape He Committed

Oct 23, 2010

The MacBook Wheel
"I'll buy almost anything if it's shiny and made by Apple"
"I like that the email automatically says 'sent from my MacBook Wheel', that way people will know that you have one."

NorskHotDog has a new favorite as of 20:05 on Mar 14, 2012

Feb 13, 2010

Man, Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?

Mar 8, 2004

Last time there was an Onion thread I posted this one, which is still my favorite:

But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them,11473/

Jan 28, 2003

This one was way too prophetic: January 17,2001 Bush:'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace and Prosperity is Finally Over',464/

Apr 20, 2007

Welcome to the Fantasy Zone!

Get ready!

The darker side of jewellery made from the skulls of babies.

Sep 5, 2003


Working Man Proud of Job He Hates

I have known many people like this.

Area Man Passionate Defender of What He Imagines Constitution To Be

Duck_King has a new favorite as of 21:16 on Mar 14, 2012

The Broletariat
May 23, 2004
I wonder if there's beer on the sun?

Not a full story (actually just a headline and picture) but the Owls Are Assholes one is always good:
Owls Are Assholes

And all the Onion Sports articles/headlines on painting Tim Duncan as the worlds most boring man are awesome. Example:
Tim Duncan Reveals He is Friends With Over 10,000 Women

ed. How could I forget my favorite one:
26-Year-Old To See Every rear end in a top hat He Ever Went To High School With On Night Before Thanksgiving

The Broletariat has a new favorite as of 21:21 on Mar 14, 2012

Aug 20, 2006

My all-time favorite article, Hard Times Hit Springsteenville. If you aren't a Bruce Springsteen fan it will make very little sense to you, but for Springsteen fans, this poo poo is dead-on perfect.


SPRINGSTEENVILLE, U.S.A.—Across America, cities are facing shrinking job bases and plant closings. But nowhere has the recent industrial slowdown hit harder than Springsteenville. A blue-collar, rust-belt city whose 75,000 inhabitants are almost all factory-employed Vietnam veterans, Springsteenville was once considered an ideal American town, but now faces a state of economic emergency.

“Our glory days have passed us by,” says Mayor Joe Roberts, whose parents came to Springsteenville in 1951 to work in the city’s then-booming auto plant. “The situation is similar to the wink of a young girl’s eye.”

With the recent closing of Springsteenville’s textile mill, located across the railroad tracks, unemployment has hit an all-time high of 34 percent.

“It seems like there’s always another plant closing down,” Roberts lamented. “Once we stood for a hard day’s work for a day’s pay. But now, these jobs are going, boys. And they ain’t coming back.”

“To your hometown,” the mayor continued. “Your hometown.”

Unemployment is at an all-time high in Springsteenville, and it appears that spirits have never been lower. Most of the city’s workers served their country bravely in the 1960s and ’70s, when, after getting in a little hometown jam, they had rifles thrust into their hands.

“I was sent to a foreign land,” said Kyle Braley, who works on the highway in nearby Darlington County. “To go and kill the yellow man.”

In the 1980s, Springsteenville was a symbol of working-class pride and patriotic vigor, but by 1996, Springsteenville has seen better days and is increasingly in danger of becoming a sad caricature of its former self.

One petroleum worker (who asked not to be named) said that upon returning from Vietnam he had gone back to the refinery, but the hiring officer refused him, saying that, son, it was unfortunately not up to him. The veteran then tried approaching his V.A. man, who similarly replied, “Son, don’t you understand?”

Adding to Springsteenville’s woes is the recent drastic rise in teen delinquency. Fueled by the perception among youth that the city is both a death trap and a suicide rap, many teens are getting out while they are young. Underage drinking is an epidemic and teen pregnancy is at an all-time high, as many high school-age teens go down to the river, despite the fact that the river is dry. Some teens are proving it all night, typically out in the street. Others, such as local teens Bobby Jean, Wendy and Rosalita, have opted simply to run away.

One disaffected factory worker told reporters that life in Springsteenville makes him feel as if someone took an edgy, dull knife and cut a six-inch valley through the middle of his soul. He also noted that he is on fire.

Compounding Springsteenville’s economic woes are the city’s tremendous traffic problems, with many residents turning to their automobiles as a way out. Among the most popular auto-related escapes: driving all night, racing in the street, cruising on the oft-visited Thunder Road, and driving either stolen or used cars.

“It’s true,” Mayor Roberts confirms. “Our highways are jammed with broken heroes on a last-chance power drive. This is terrible, and not just because of the risk of a tragic wreck on the highway. We can’t have kids thinking that they can skip some school, shoot some pool, act real cool, stay out all night, and it will be all right.”

The rising tide of hopelessness among Springsteenville’s young has contributed to an equally swift rise in the crime rate. Residents of the suburbs are afraid to go out at night, largely due to a recent, much-publicized freeze-out on 10th Avenue.

“I was stranded in the jungle trying to take in all the heat they was giving,” recalled victim Bad Scooter, speaking from his hospital bed. “I then turned around the corner, and things got extremely quiet, extremely fast.”

Police are still investigating the incident.

(Links are to YouTube videos of referenced songs.)

BrooklynBruiser has a new favorite as of 21:42 on Mar 14, 2012

May 2, 2002

I'm cuckoo for cocoa cocks!

Ask A Man With A Russian Accent Trying To Convince You To Go To An Ecstasy Party

All of the "Ask a X" ones are pretty good, it's a shame they don't do point/counter-point anymore.

May 9, 2006

Gay baby jail...? What the hell?

I really don't like the sound of that...

Fun Shoe

These two never fail to brighten my day

Sumerians Look On In Confusion As God Creates World

Frito-Lay Angrily Introduces Line Of Healthy Snacks

Apr 21, 2010

We're not allowed to post real world news stories that are so farcical that read like Onion stories, right?
e: Sorry I thought this was D&D

New Social Networking Site Changing The Way Oh, Christ, Forget It

TurnipFritter has a new favorite as of 21:56 on Mar 14, 2012

Aug 20, 2006

SerCypher posted:

These two never fail to brighten my day

Sumerians Look On In Confusion As God Creates World

Holy poo poo that's wonderful, I'd never seen that one before.

Feb 22, 2012

Are you talking to me or my ass?

Nasa Completes 52-year Mission To Find, Kill God,19263/

My favorite quote:

TheOnion posted:

It was in that year that U.S. astronaut Neil Armstrong became the first to step on the moon, and uttered the legendary phrase, "Where are you, God, you loving human being? Come and get me!"

B-Hard has a new favorite as of 22:43 on Mar 14, 2012

Ride The Gravitron
May 2, 2008

by FactsAreUseless

sok2bametalhead posted:

I know this one is a video and may not be what you're after, but it kills me every time I watch it:

"Hot New Video Game Consists Solely Of Shooting People Point-Blank In The Face",14325/

Videos should totally count.
Child Bankrupts Make-A-Wish Foundation With Wish For Unlimited Wishes

As for an article.
Suicide Letter Full Of Simpsons References

May 22, 2007

Bear Witness

College Slice

Bee Stuck Between Screen Door, Front Door Going loving Nuts

It's short, so I'll post it.


HUNTSVILE, AL—Users of the front door at 1418 Sycamore Avenue report the appearance of a common bumblebee ricocheting back and forth between the front and screen doors in a manner described as "pissed." According to witnesses, no one has been able to ascertain how the bee became trapped between the two portals, but it is totally losing it and will absolutely sting someone if it gets out, most likely in the eye. "Look at the size of that thing," homeowner Tony Paris said. "He's just going nuts. Just fly out of there, bee, come on." At press time, the bee was resting for a moment before resuming flipping the gently caress out

I also like Shitload Of Math Due Monday, Study Reveals: Babies Are Stupid, and Alzheimer's Sufferers Demand Cure For Pancakes.

protocols of wylin
Jul 11, 2006

Weekend With Boyfriend's Parents Explains A Lot

And there was one called "rear end in a top hat Man Proud Of rear end in a top hat Son" but I can't find it. Oh well. This one will do.

rear end in a top hat Admits To Being rear end in a top hat In Supreme rear end in a top hat Move

Nov 6, 2009

College Slice

Iowa State University Photoshops black guy into course catalog front cover. I love this one because that's where I went to undergrad.

protocols of wylin
Jul 11, 2006

Volume posted:

As for an article.
Suicide Letter Full Of Simpsons References

And this one too.

Nation's Educators Alarmed By Poorly Written Teen Suicide Notes

Mr. Pither
May 28, 2006

Hello, friends!

One that springs to mind for me:

Area Homosexual Saves Four From Fire
Falmouth resident Kevin Lassally (inset), who likes to hold and kiss other men, is being hailed as a hero after rescuing a family of four from a deadly blaze.

Lassally suffered burns covering over 25 percent of his body and sustained injuries leaving him unable to work or have sex with other men for about two months. Doctors describe his condition as stable but homosexual.

Downtown Abey
Feb 14, 2002

The best headline they ever did was "Black Man Asks Nation For Change" during the 2008 US Presidential Election cycle.

I totally agree with "The Supreme Court Rules The Death Penalty As Totally Badass" as their best video AND article. The delivery of "I am the Law." just slays.

Pastry Mistakes
Apr 6, 2009

One of my favorites was a video for the Ocular Penetration Restriction Act of 2007:

Larch Tote
Mar 10, 2007 the world.

I'm partial to "Sony Releases New Stupid Piece of poo poo That Doesn't loving Work." poo-that-doesnt,14309/

Apr 30, 2003

Bjorn you glad I didn't say banana?

Call Of Duty 2 Gamer Wonders If War Is Worth Dying 79 Times For

Feb 25, 2005

invisible or nonexistent, and should be treated as such

Does anybody remember the title to the article that was just a bitter, generic fill-in-the-blank rehash of all the war stories in the news at that time? I haven't been able to find it. I did find this one,

Report: Massive Wildfires, Geopolitical Crises, AIDS, Human Rights Violations, Deadly Shootings, Africa, Trapped Travelers, Ethical And Moral Issues, Child Labor, Drug Wars

but I don't think it's the right one. It was at least five years ago.

Apr 9, 2008



(Not gonna spoil the counterpoints on any of these.)

Maple Syrup Is An Excellent Way To Enhance The Flavor Of Pancakes And Waffles,17143/

According To The Economist, NASA Is An Industrial Subsidy In Disguise,11532/

Cats Are Better Than Dogs,11571/

smokyprogg has a new favorite as of 23:40 on Mar 14, 2012

Jun 19, 2003

of a full load.

Michael Vick fails to inspire teammates with great dog fighting story.

Handsome Ralph
Sep 3, 2004

Johnny Pussy?

Abeya Minora posted:

The best headline they ever did was "Black Man Asks Nation For Change" during the 2008 US Presidential Election cycle.

I totally agree with "The Supreme Court Rules The Death Penalty As Totally Badass" as their best video AND article. The delivery of "I am the Law." just slays.

Oh that one was great. Reminds me of this one.

Southern Sheriff Pulls Over Obama Campaign Bus For Broken Taillight,2579/

Marion County deputy sheriff Dewey Clutter posted:

"Now Barry, someone 'bout your height, 'bout your skin color knocked over a Piggly Wiggly up in New Hebron just a coupla hours ago," Clutter continued. "But you wouldn't know nothin' 'bout that, now would you?"

Supreme Allah
Oct 6, 2004

everybody relax, i'm here

Nap Ghost

African-American Neighborhood Terrorized By Ask Murderer

Senior Woodchuck
Aug 29, 2006

When you're lost out there and you're all alone, a light is waiting to carry you home

Clinton Goes Back In Time, Teams Up With Golden Age Clinton

Jun 12, 2011
hatsuune miku wishes you

a happy and safe halloween

New Device Desirable, Old Device Undesirable

Supreme Allah
Oct 6, 2004

everybody relax, i'm here

Nap Ghost

Their most prophetic one -

Bush: Our Long National Nightmare of Peace And Prosperity Is Over,464/

The Chad Jihad
Feb 24, 2007

Laid Back Ant Colony Refers To Queen As 'Judy'



They need to do more point-counterpoints

The Chad Jihad has a new favorite as of 01:17 on Mar 15, 2012

Mr. Bojangles
Nov 6, 2003

I'm special
So special

Larch Tote posted:

I'm partial to "Sony Releases New Stupid Piece of poo poo That Doesn't loving Work." poo-that-doesnt,14309/

Probably the best Onion News Network piece ever made. The resignation of the reporter at the end is priceless. "It never ends...this poo poo."

Jun 13, 2003

I do solemnly swear that in the year 2015 I will theorycraft my wallet as well as my WoW

I've always been a big fan of Brave Mountain Lion Fends Off Group Of Hikers


"I think it's safe to say those hikers will think twice before getting into another tussle with this feisty little fellow," Meiggs added with a chuckle.


Aug 28, 2007

When I get sad, I
stop being sad and
be AWESOME instead.

True story.

Blood... Blood Everywhere,2420/

Fire Consumes Big Happy Farm Where Families Send Sick Dogs To Run Free And Play,20641/

Nation Refuses To Read Headline Beyond Words '4-Year-Old Girl Forced To',27379/

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